Like No One Ever Was
by FinalArc
Summary: Nature brought the tornado, Team Rocket got them stuck in it, Age caused the building's collapse, and Bad Luck did the rest. But none of them are to blame for electrocuting Ash to the point of brain damage. That's all on Pikachu.
1. Chapter 1

**A new saga, it's been awhile since I've begun one of those... expect the updates to be slow, though I'll do my best to keep it consistent. If you'd like an audio version of this fic, please visit my profile page ****.**

Chapter One: たたかいつかれて おやすみグッナイ (Tired from fighting, good night, good night)

In hindsight, Team Rocket did work for a worldwide crime organization, and while we had enjoyed a lovely month or so without them in our hair, they now had access to funding. Battles with them no longer hinged on just their pokemon, and their odds of actually succeeding in one of their capture attempts increased by several percent.

But, to be fair, they aren't the one's who stuck us in the condemned building, nor did they do anything to affect the weather. All they did was cause us to get separated from friends and civilization in the middle of a huge gale, which could have happened to anybody.

But blaming them is easier.

We thought we were safe once we got inside that old, stone mansion, possibly once a castle from bygone years. It was the only structure around for miles, and between it and the tornado that was developing outside, we knew which one we were going to pick. If we'd known beforehand of it's lack of structural integrity, we might have made a different choice.

"I think we're supposed to head for a basement," Ash said dubiously, already noting that if this place had one, the entrance to it was well-hidden. Not that Ash's survival skills are incredibly top-notch, but we decided to go with his second plan, and hide in the bathroom. "Pipes," he explained, wedging himself between the bathtub and the toilet and wrapping an arm around the porcelain. "They go deep underground, so it's harder for the tornado to suck it into the sky." I must not have looked like I believed him, because he frowned and said, "Well, if you have any better ideas, let's have them."

In the end, I jumped into his lap and tried to ignore the sounds of the howling winds. "We'll just wait here for the storm to pass, " Ash said reassuringly, and I nodded into his chest, a little bit embarrassed to let him see how spooked I was. But, good friend that he is, he pretended not to notice my shaking, and just stroked my head in a comforting way.

A few minutes later, we realized that getting picked up by wind was a secondary concern, and that the ceiling was caving in around us. "Move!" Ash shouted, and we were up on our feet and running back to the main room, looking frantically for something to save us.

"Pikaa?" I turned to say, but was interrupted when I saw a giant chunk of wall flying towards us. I'd never seen a wall fly before, and was momentarily impressed by that fact before it blazed past me and took out the stairs. Now we had a full view of the swirling funnel outside, so much closer than before, and I saw Ash's face turn white. Under my fur, my skin was probably the same.

"Maybe that corner?" Ash suggested, sounding far more hesitant than I had ever seen him before. But it seemed as good an idea as any; stone walls on a couple sides to protect us from flying objects, and near what was left of the stairs so we had something to hang on to. We crouched down, Ash's arms looped around the stairwell and me, wind mercilessly whipping at us.

We clutched each other tightly and watched the house coming down around us, stones shattering just inches away from us and windows bursting apart to send tiny shards of glass cutting at our skin. Somewhere in the ordeal, Ash had lost his hat, and his black hair flew wildly around like it was going to be uprooted from his head. "Are we really going to die?" I heard him whisper as he pulled me closer, and I realized how frightened he truly was, for he wore his mantle of trainer seriously and had never before admitted hopelessness in front of me.

But I was thinking the same thing, so I dug my claws into his shirt and comforted myself with the thought that at least this time he wouldn't go without me.

With all the suddenness of a wrecking ball, our doom exploded above our heads, and we were caught beneath the shower of brick, lumber and slabs of stone. Ash twisted his body, shielding me as he always did, and the only memory I have of that round of chaos is the two of us clinging to each other.

The dust never settled, always caught and flung by the crying winds, but when the torrent of falling objects let up, we broke apart and started pushing through the rubble to find a safer place to hide. Ash did so much more slowly than I would have expected under the circumstances, and when I turned to look at him properly, I saw that he hadn't even risen to his feet. There was something off in his movements and in his eyes; he seemed dazed, but in a way that sent my senses panicking. I would even go as far to say that he _smelled_ off.

"I'm fine," he replied when I called out with worry, though his voice was slow and had a hint of a slur to it. "I just don't..." his words were cut off with sudden fear. "Look out!" He lunged for me, and all I knew was loud noises and the taste of dust.

When my senses returned, I was trapped beneath walls of wood, brick and dust, a cavity formed by the human bridge above me. I've never been one for closed spaces or confinement, and the realization that I was trapped in such a tiny hole sent me into a panic, my cheeks sparking wildly. "Pika!" With barely enough room to move, and nothing but stale air to breathe, I began shocking everything wildly, lashing out in hopes that something would give way. "Pika-CHU! CHU! _**CHU!**_"

"It's okay, Pikachu, you're fine!" Ash cried desperately between thundershocks, jerking and wincing with each blast. "Just don't panic!"

That was like telling the wind to stop. "**CHU!**" I gulped, discharging more electricity along with frightened tears. I couldn't remember ever being so scared, frightened enough to not even care that I was frying Ash along with everything else. "Pika_**-CHU!**_"

"Please," I heard a breathy, pained whisper from above me, "Stop..." Something about the tone got through to me, and with shaky, hiccuping breaths, I slowly managed to come back to earth. "See, you're fine," Ash breathed in his soothing voice, though it was slightly off-putting due to the obvious fatigue and pain he was feeling. "Just take deep breaths, you're all right." Whether or not his diagnosis was correct was beside the point; I did my best to believe in his calm words.

Looking at him properly, I could see that if I'd thought his eyes were off before, they were seriously off now. The size of his pupils was nothing less than unnatural. "Pikapi?" From the way he grit his teeth, his labored breaths and the way his arms were shaking under the pressure of holding himself up I knew we were in trouble. "_Pikapi?_"

And the _blood_, there was so much blood. It was matted in his hair, running down his face, tiny drops falling to trickle down his arms, even. But, "I'm fine, I'm fine," was all he said in response, and I nuzzled his face and tried not to think about how breakable humans really were. Despite my electric attacks, I'd always felt that Ash was the stronger being due to his larger size, but seeing him bleed changed all my preconceptions. Checking into a Pokemon center wouldn't cure this.

"Pikachu, I can't-" he wheezed, body convulsing a bit, and I could see that his arms were about to give way. I shifted my position a bit so that he could lower himself without crushing me, hoping that the rest of the debris didn't fall down with him. However, it seems that "I can't" meant that he really couldn't, and he collapsed on top of me, lumber, dirt and stone shifting to pin us in some more.

But I was safe, wedged in the arch between his knees, elbows and stomach, and I willed myself not to panic again. That was getting harder to do, with the blood pools continuing to grow and his once blue and white shirt turning suspiciously dark shades. "I love you," he whispered, and I froze, having heard his say that with such finality before and fearing that I was about to lose him again.

Terrified that if he lost consciousness, he'd be gone forever, I released a Thundershock. "Pika-CHU!" Ash actually began to cry, and the guilt almost eclipsed my relief that he was still with me.

"Don't, please," he said in soft, nearly unintelligible tones, "No more, okay?" What could I do, but comply?

And so, for what might have been minutes or hours, I just lay there, pressed up close and taking comfort in his soft, ragged breathing, trying to locate a heartbeat. I talked to him occasionally, hoping to keep him awake, but his responses were never more than slurred moans, and eventually, they ceased altogether. If not for the occasional, choked breath, it would have been easy to imagine I was trapped in my grave with a dead man. When Officer Jenny's rescue team miraculously discovered us, my voice had never been so full of joy and desperation.

They took us to separate hospitals, reminding me once again that I was a Pokemon and Ash was not, a line that got so blurry when we were together, but suddenly as present and tangible as a wall. Luckily, a few hours with Nurse Joy and I was completely recovered, and Iris rushed with me back to the human hospital. I suspect that she had preferred to stay with me than in the human ER.

When I arrived, I knew why. So much waiting, so much rushing, so little information. Cilan was a wreck, sitting in a chair with a cup of coffee clutched in his hands like letting go would unleash chaos on the universe. But he was relieved to see me. "Maybe Ash can have a full recovery, too."

Maybe. Though the waiting room was nerve-wracking, it was easier to imagine the possibilities of a miracle when we were there. Much easier than when they finally let us get a glimpse of Ash, all bandages and tubes, and I began to think that maybe miracles didn't exist in this world anymore. When Cilan began looking up Ash's emergency contacts in his Pokedex, I knew we were in trouble, that this was a problem beyond our capabilities. The biggest miracle the world had ever seen was slowly falling out of it.

I began to wish that they hadn't given us an update, that they'd kept Ash secluded behind their ominous swinging doors, because the information pressing down on me was too much to bear. I didn't want to hear about complications, or about big words I couldn't understand. I didn't want to hear how many breaks and where, or that he couldn't breathe without a machine doing the job his lungs were supposed to be doing. All I really wanted to hear was that they could make him all right again, but nobody was saying that at all.

It became apparent that Ash didn't keep his emergency information up to date, because Brock was still the first contact, and the second was Gary Oak. Third was, of course, his mother, the furthest line. It didn't really matter, though, we'd be calling them all eventually.

"Who are these people?" Cilan muttered as he scrolled the numbers. "Why isn't one of us in here, you know, someone who's actually traveling with him?" The very reason why Brock had shanghaied the Pokedex all those years ago, after Ash and I got lost briefly and Brock and Misty spent all day calling local Pokecenters. Of course, as the months went by, the two of them quit assuming the worst and didn't worry about us when we got separated, and eventually we progressed to the point where we all got lost together.

Gary's number had been in the Pokedex since the day they left home, and Ash decided to just leave it there, rejecting other, more practical choices. I suspect that he's never really been able to let go of the Gary that used to run and play with him like a brother, and I also suspect that Gary spent all those years secretly hoping Ash would hang on tightly to what he himself threw away.

"You know Ash doesn't plan for emergencies," Iris scoffed, finding comfort in insulting Ash like everything was normal. "He's such a child."

Nobody knew where Gary was, so Nurse Joy promised to pass the information through the Pokemon Center's network until it found him, but Brock answered right away. "What on earth- It's the middle of the night!"

Was it? Had we been here for that long? But when Brock heard what we had to say, he sobered up and promised to catch the next plane out there. He also volunteered to call Ash's mother for us, which made us grateful to him for the rest of our lives. None of us were looking forward to that conversation.

I didn't want to sleep, but having Brock bring up the time made me realize how exhausted I actually was. "You've had a rough day, Pikachu," Iris tried to reason, "We'll wake you up the second there's news." A nice offer, but my trainer couldn't breathe without an iron lung, and so for me, there would be no such thing as a restful sleep.

In the end, I stayed awake right up until they wheeled Ash in from recovery, and once they convinced me that he was stable, with enough beeping machines to keep him from running off to the spirit world, I allowed myself to collapse on his hospital bed and curl up beside him. It might have been against some sort of protocol, but no one stopped me, and I refused to interpret that as an ominous sign.


	2. Chapter 2

**Ah, Perfection, will I ever achieve you? Still, writing a straight drama/tragedy is a worthwhile challenge. But I can't deny it, I'm out of my element- where are all the jokes?**

**Well, since Ash is still down for the count in this chapter, please enjoy everyone's fraying emotional states...**

Chapter 2: It's A Whole New World We Live In

The familiar smells of mountain dirt and flowery perfume woke me up, and even before I opened my eyes, I knew that Brock and Ash's mom had arrived. "Glad to see you're alright, Pikachu." They did their best to sound cheerful, and I think they were genuinely glad, but it was hard to be positive with so many tubes hooked up to the boy we cared so much about. I licked Ash's face, hoping for a response, but received none.

He looked so thin with all of his hair shaved off.

"Maybe now that you're up, Ash well be next?" So, Ash hadn't woken yet? That worried me. People had tried to explain to Ash and I the difference between Pokemon fainting and human fainting, and all we'd managed to come away with was that fainting kind of sucked for me, but it sucked even more for humans, particularly if they went beyond fainting and stayed unconscious. As Brock put it once, "The longer it takes you to wake up, the higher your chances are of not getting up at all."

Not the words I wanted to remember at this time. "Pikachu, I know you're probably tired," Brock's face was both sympathetic and tense, "But we need you to tell us what happened."

Cilan nodded. "You guys just disappeared, right in the middle of the tornado warning. If Officer Jenny hadn't thought to track Ash's Pokedex signal, we might never have found you." I wasn't really in the mood to, but nodded and filled them in on the Team Rocket attack, and how we took refuge inside that old building, brushing lightly over the more sordid details inside that house of terror. No one was looking for more than simple confirmation, for most of the assembled party couldn't understand me well enough to get the little details, anyway.

And I wasn't ready to acknowledge that this might not have happened if Ash wasn't always having to save me.

"That kid... why is he so stupid?" Brock groaned, and I blinked. If I was going to defend our actions, I had no leg to stand on, given the sorry state things were in, but it hadn't been just Ash's decision, so he wasn't the only stupid one here. "Well, I guess they don't get many tornadoes in Pallet, but you'd think he'd know a Rocket trap by now." As if Brock didn't fall for them just as frequently.

"Pika!" I shot back, somehow taking offense at the idea that Ash was stupid and ignorant, even though I'd said so myself on many occasions that he didn't have much in the way of common sense or survival skills. Ash was the type who ran _into_ disasters, not away from them. But as he'd been trying to save our lives, it seemed wrong to criticize any decision he made with my best interests at heart. Delia seemed to understand how I was feeling, enough to reach out and stroke my fur until I calmed down. That pure, kind gesture reminded me of Ash, and I felt a tiny bit guilty.

It occurred to me that someone needed to tell the other Pokemon. I pitied whoever had that job, and tried to feign exhaustion so that it wouldn't be me. But the guilt took over, and in the end, I went with Brock, Iris and Cilan to break the bad news.

The second the pokemon all saw Brock, they knew something was up, and the expression on his face didn't fool anyone into thinking it was a random encounter. He was a stranger to them, only known through old anecdotes and had no business being in Unova with his studies. Released from the pokeballs with no Ash in sight made everyone nervous enough; a stranger with a face like the one Brock was wearing didn't soften the blow at all. We should have left him behind, but old habits died hard, and he was used to handling Ash's disasters.

Scraggy cried, which ironically proved to be a relieving distraction, as we all rallied together to convince him that Ash was fine and the doctors were taking good care of him. After that, we unanimously resolved to leave him out of any discussions that weren't positive. I dreaded what would happen when we wound up having to tell the others in the lab.

We sent Scraggy to play with Axew, who performed brilliantly as comforter, confidant and cheery voice of optimism, mostly because Iris had kept him sheltered from how bad things really were. All he knew was that Ash was sick and needed some time to get better, and we were fine with letting Axew reinforce this white lie.

In the meantime, there were updates, and there were tests. Supposedly, the more information doctors had to work with, the more they'd be able to help, but I still became nervous whenever nurses walked in to add or reduce fluids in Ash's body. Especially when they came to take blood; the act made me sick to my stomach.

"Calm down, they're not hurting him," Snivy muttered at me on one occasion, eying me and my raised fur disapprovingly. "These are the people making him better, remember? Don't go shocking anybody." I hadn't planned on it, but she was right, and I was tense as a live wire. I needed to _do_ something, and since the Audino had shot down my idea to thundershock Ash back from unconsciousness, I was running out of ways to be helpful.

As stupid as it was, I wished we could take Ash to a Pokemon Center and cure him there. I was used to Pokemon Centers, and though I couldn't claim to do Nurse Joy's job, I usually knew what was happening. The atmosphere was familiar to me, and to Ash, and I was sure we'd be more relaxed there. Snivy kept saying that it wasn't actually that different, but it _felt_ different, and I was out of my element.

I missed Bulbasaur, voice of maturity, or Squirtle, king of diffusing tense situations. Mostly, I missed Ash, strong and in charge, except when he wasn't, but he'd pretend he was and we'd all pretend we believed it until he got himself together again. Now, I was de facto leader, the team captain. It probably wouldn't be good if I had a breakdown now, much as I felt I deserved one.

It would help if the other pokemon would quit directing their questions to me. "How should I know?" I finally snapped at Tepig, then regretted it when I saw his hurt little face.

"Sorry, you just always seem like you're on top of things..." In what world? "You've been traveling with Ash the longest, so I thought you'd know..."

I sighed aloud. "Well, hospitals aren't my specialty," I admitted reluctantly. "We don't usually have a reason to visit one."

"Really?" Snivy asked. "I was surprised it took Ash this long to end up here." I was struck with a sudden, completely unreasonable urge to hit her.

"Well, if you have questions, ask Audino, that's what she's for," I grumbled back at Tepig, deciding I wanted to be alone for a bit, though I doubted I'd be granted it. "Or Oshawott, he's supposed to be the _expert._"

I had doubts,_ extreme _doubts at how much Oshawott actually knew about hospital procedures, but as he said, "I grew up in Pokemon centers and research labs!" He claimed that he knew everything there was to know about biology and medicine, though I'd been in my fair share of centers and labs myself, and was still drowning in all the information being thrown at me. Human physiology was too deep to understand in a single day.

Cilan didn't seem to be faring any better than I, which both comforted and worried me. It was nice to find someone else who felt overwhelmed, but I was used to looking up to Cilan when things went wrong. Like Tepig's view of me, I had an image of Cilan being a pillar of strength and a trove of knowledge.

As it turned out, this wasn't true at all. He walked around the halls like a zombie, often repeating, "This shouldn't be happening, I don't understand, I just don't get it..."

"Well, pay attention, then!" Iris would snap, and he'd shut up and try, but, like me, couldn't absorb all the information being thrown at him. I was a little surprised that Iris wasn't the one having some sort of culture shock, being the wild, natural girl she was, but she was taking the crisis with far less hysterics than I would have guessed. "Knowledge is power," she kept saying, and followed Audino and the nurses around to question every step of their duties.

And so, Cilan and I looked to Iris for explanations, when the doctors grew weary of speaking to us like we had just hatched from an egg and didn't know up from down. Maybe it had something to do with her being our friend, but things did seem to make more sense when filtered through her voice.

Sometime during the day, Bianca showed up, though I'm not sure when and I'm a little surprised that I missed it. As focused as I was on Ash's condition, I didn't think it was possible to be oblivious to the storm of energy and near disaster that followed that girl around. But, once I became aware of her existence, I was surprised to find her sitting fairly calmly with Cilan in the waiting room, still more energetic than anyone had a right to be, but not bouncing off the walls or flying into hysterics over the situation. I guess we all have hidden sides.

Periodically, the doctor came by to keep us informed. It was voted that Oshawott and Tepig should be exempt from these updates, and we tried to be discreet at first, but they eventually discovered what we were up to. Tepig understood, though not happy about it, and resolved to stay with Ash during these times and was very helpful in convincing Oshawott to do the same. Though Tepig was growing in maturity, bad news would be best broken to him by a third party and Oshawott would fly into a panic if we let him in on some of the things the doctor was telling us.

Snivy actually suggested that I stay out with the other two. "You're a mess, Pikachu," she said in her blunt way that was probably supposed to be kind, but usually came off as haughty, "If you don't get a grip on yourself, they're going to kick you out." I knew she was right; several Audino had been watching me with wary eyes. But despite my aversion to acknowledging reality, I couldn't stay away, and told her as much. "Well, at least try not to look like you're going to fry us if we look at you funny."

"Isn't that my normal state?" I tried to joke, and she just rolled her eyes. But she patted my shoulder with one of her vines, and I felt just a little bit encouraged by the camaraderie. And so, I forced myself to sit through all the updates and pay attention to every word.

Ash's heartbeat was slow and irregular, and he still couldn't breathe by himself, "And that's what we're most worried about at the moment," the doctor valiantly tried to explain, even though Brock was the only one who could understand ventricular fibrillation and neuropathy without dumbing it down to imbecilic components. "It's taking everything we have just to keep his heart and lungs going." If Ash woke, and we had to acknowledge that he might not, there seemed to be a high chance that he would have permanent, lasting effects, might not be the same Ash we knew. We were forced to realize that he might spend the rest of his life in a vegetative state, even though I couldn't picture an Ash that didn't run and play freely under the sky.

"Ash is strong, he'll pull through," his mother said resolutely, more convincingly than I could have mustered at the moment, and Oak placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. It may have been a clue to my mental state, but I couldn't remember him arriving at all.

"Of course," the old man agreed, and for the first time, he really did look his age, "He's been through worse spots than this."

_Yes, and the last time nearly destroyed the planet and he had to be rescued by a legendary,_ I thought bitterly to myself. Anytime Mew or Victini wanted to show up would be fine with me.

It was hard to resist the urge to let the doctor's endless stream of words wash over my head, and I wasn't the only one who felt that way. Tranquill surprised us all, flying off in the middle of a conversation. We didn't see her again for several hours, and when she returned, she informed us that she wanted to go to Professor Juniper's laboratory.

"I don't think I can stay here right now," she explained, sad and embarrassed. "I'm sure some of the others would rather be next to him." Actually, I had been positive that she would be the one to insist on staying at his side, but I was quickly learning that I didn't know anything.

"Please stay," I found myself asking, not realizing how much I appreciated her until she threatened to leave. "We need you here." Tranquill was cheerful, determined and gentle, while Oshawott was callous and oblivious, Tepig was young and inexperienced, Snivy was reasonable yet unapproachable, Scraggy was just a baby and I was a hopeless wreck. Without her, I was sure we would fall to pieces.

In the end, Professor Juniper decided for us; it seems she couldn't switch out Ash's Pokemon without his permission, excepting certain circumstances. If the current situation didn't qualify, it didn't take much imagination to figure out what would. Tranquill didn't argue, but she curled up on one of the tree branches outside and kept to herself, despite Oshawott's attempts to talk to her.

I probably shouldn't have, as there were many other things I could have been doing besides bothering worried friends, but I chased Oshawott away and joined Tranquill on the branch. I don't think she wanted me there, but she didn't turn me away, either. We watched the sky in silence for some time, caught in our own tormented thoughts, before she spoke.

"If it happens, where will you go?"

My blood froze. No, I didn't want to think about it, didn't want to go down that path, not again... But the truth was the same as it had always been. "Nowhere."

Tranquill looked at me sideways, but gave a small nod.

"Me, too."

Though I hadn't actually done much of note all day, it was surprising how exhausted I was, but having gotten my wish for a break, I decided to return to reality. Too late, it seems, as Ash's mother and Professor Oak were discussing something intensely with the doctor.

Wondering what I had missed, I ran up to Snivy, only to stop as I realized that everyone was staring at me. Oak and Delia had even stopped talking long enough to sneak glances at me, then look away hurriedly. "What's going on?"

"We'll tell you later," Snivy muttered, trying to walk away, but I chased after her.

"Do you have somewhere better to be? Tell me!" I insisted, and she gave a pained sigh.

"Can't you ever give it a rest?" Not making any ground with her, I caught Cilan's eye and started on him next. He was a little easier to crack, though he seemed to agree that he probably shouldn't be telling me whatever grand secret had been divulged.

I didn't think there was any news worse than what I already knew. "Well, they were just telling us about Ash's medical records, and some tests he had done in Hoenn..." What? I didn't remember that. "Like, normally Pokemon attacks don't do anything serious unless you get hit by a Zapdos, or something, but I guess something had gone wrong at the lab in Littleroot Town and the Professor there wanted Ash to get checked out."

Littleroot Town... A fresh start to a brand new journey, which somehow turned out exactly like our first one. As much as I like bonding with Ash, I prefer to not risk our lives while doing so.

"So, I guess they did some tests, and found that Ash had developed some sort of neurological disorder... It's an abnormality in his brain," he clarified when I tried to interrupt him. Ash's brain was abnormal? Misty had been saying that for years, but I didn't think she'd like to be proven right like this. "The cells were damaged, so the brain isn't sending messages the way it's supposed to..."

"Pikaa!" I waved my arms wildly, wanting elaboration. I also wanted Cilan to make eye contact, as he was deliberately not looking at me.

I got both of my wishes, though the look in Cilan's eyes made me wish he'd look away again. "When Ash was in Littleroot Town, they noted some problems with his reflexes, and when they followed up later in Slateport City-"

"Pi!" Cilan looked at me with compassion.

"Yeah, Brock doesn't remember either. But he thinks it's possible that Ash could have slipped away for a few hours." Possible, yes, there was a contest hall in Slateport, so we might have been focused on May. And though it's rare for him to go anywhere without me, it's not like I make him give a full report of his coming and goings. But for something like this, I should have been informed, and entertained the thought of zapping my incompetent trainer once he awoke. "But, in Slateport he reported some light tremors. The doctor there guessed that Ash had about five to ten years before he wouldn't be able to continue his Pokemon Journey... but obviously what's been happening here made it worse."

I stared, temporarily stunned into silence. This could not be real. But Cilan was too depressed for this to be some sort of joke. "I don't think there's anything we could have done if we knew. It sounds it was already too late when Ash first went in." Still, why on earth didn't he tell me? He told me everything. Cilan got up to leave, but I had one more question.

"What caused it?" He almost refused to answer, which should have been a warning sign, but I managed to convince him that I'd have to find out sooner or later.

"They're thinking it happened over time, because he ...well..." The look on Cilan's face told me I wasn't going to like this one bit. "Because he's been training an electric type..."

Oh, _no..._

And suddenly, all Ash's behavior made sense.

"I don't think this sort of thing happens normally, but you and Ash are, well... you're kind of unique." In that I'm a lot more powerful than my level says I have any right to be, or because we can't go three days without Ash getting caught in the crossfire of a full blown attack? "I'm sorry, Pikachu."

Sorry? Hadn't I asked for it?

In every sense of the phrase, hadn't I asked for this?

"Pikachu, are you all right? You don't look so good..." Probably not, but when the world starts going up in flames, you can't be expected to look all that great. Cilan's worried face slowly dissolved into white lights as I was suddenly accosted with several years worth of memories with me shocking Ash, and wondering which one was the one that made him break.

My vision was completely white now, and I realized I was about to faint without even battling. A new strategy for the League Conferences- Guilt: It's Super Effective.

Snivy's vines reached out before I passed out and hit my head, helping me lay down with gentle grace. "I told you to give it a rest," she sighed. Yes, because ignorance would make all of this go away.

"Pikachu!" A hand accompanied Professor Oak's voice and both were so authoritative that I was forced to pay attention. "Listen to me. I've seen those reports, and most of your attacks don't even come close to the levels it would take to harm a human."

"Pi?" My voice felt detached, like it was a balloon tied to my head with a string.

"Yes, your average output wouldn't give that boy tinnitus." Was that supposed to be good? "And Ash knew that, too, because he asked me."

I was starting to make out rough outlines of Oak and Cilan's faces, and the colors gradually bled back into my world. "I didn't know why he was so curious, at the time," the professor admitted, "But he wouldn't let me off the phone until I'd shared all my data. You are certainly capable of disastrously high power levels, but we both agreed that you'd never even think of releasing such an attack if you thought there was a chance of it hitting someone."

If this was supposed to make me feel better, it wasn't. It took years of training before I had the kind of control he was talking about, and according to Cilan, it was the past I needed to be worried about. More importantly, my intentions don't have any bearing if I'm sick and delirious, possessed, brainwashed, or amnesiac, all of which have happened with unusual frequency to me since leaving Pallet. Not that anyone could have planned for those events.

"Ash knew," Professor Oak kept insisting, "As we all know, that you would never hurt him." And yet, somehow, I did.

Knowing that, I couldn't sit still, and once I got my full awareness back, I dashed to Ash's room and leaped onto his bed. "Why didn't you tell me? You idiot!" I yelled, though I knew full well that he couldn't answer. Even if he could, when faced with my temper, he knew it could be tactically advantageous to feign ignorance. "You should have told me! I could have..." What, exactly? Would it have even mattered? "We could have tried..." I said vainly, even though I wasn't sure what I was really talking about.

He was always doing this to me. "If the trainers are scared, then the pokemon will be scared, too," he'd said on occasion, and Ash had always taken those words too seriously for my liking. Far too often, I'd seen him put on a brave face as he rushed off towards danger and certain death, somehow managing to get us all out of it at the last minute. Except when he couldn't, and that was the part I was learning to watch out for. Ash would never let us see doom approaching, but would stand up to whatever threat while ushering us all to safety, faking a calm smile or a fighting spirit. Somehow, his mask was so perfect that we never caught on to his plans for martyrdom until they were already set in motion.

"Get inside your pokeball, you'll be safe there," he'd say, as the temperatures dropped. He'd stand under the rain and shout defiantly at the sky he couldn't hope to beat in a lifetime. "After that, just trust me." And then he'd shove us to safety, close the lid of the capsule, bar the doors or recall the pokemon. "Don't worry, you just stay right there." He'd take care of it, he had a plan, there was nothing for us to be afraid of. Until we realized that he didn't expect to ever see us again. He was always doing that, even if we'd willingly follow him to certain death if it meant a chance to protect him. And maybe that was why he did it.

"You're so stupid," I whispered through tears. Or was I the stupid one, for falling for it so many times? "At least, tell me you were going to do something about it." Surely he was, this was his Pokemon Journey we were talking about. He'd never compromise his future as a Pokemon Master, or be a slave to a ticking clock. Ash must have been asking about a solution, looking for a way to beat this.

For all it mattered, now. "You could have the decency to wake up so I can lecture you properly."

His face was still, yet surprisingly peaceful. I wondered if he was dreaming. His arms had scrapes and bruises, but not as many as I would have expected. If I overlooked the lack of hair, I could almost imagine he was resting after a long day of playing outside.

I could still remember the spot on his right arm where I'd bitten him, even though that scar faded after only a few days. But until it was gone, it was like a tiny, vicious voice slipping into my mind. You did this. This is your fault. This happened because of you.

All that for a simple bite. How long were these scars going to last?

"You idiot. What would I do without you?" I nuzzled his cheek. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't think he told anyone, Pikachu." Snivy slipped into the room and joined me on the bed. "Not even his mom."

I decided not to point out that Ash told me plenty of things that he never told his mom. Instead, I lay down and curled up against Ash's side. His hand was just millimeters away, and if I held my head just right, I could imagine he was scratching me behind the ears. "They're all saying it's my fault, aren't they?"

"No one's saying that."

"But it's probably true." Snivy was quiet for a moment, then came over and patted my shoulder.

"If you want my opinion, I think that old building deserves most of the credit." She stayed by me while I pretended I wasn't sobbing into the bedspread, and eventually we both fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Guys, I have a confession to make. This is scary. I'm scared to death about writing _fanfiction,_ of all things. But I really don't know if I have this in my bag of tricks. Can I carry this thing all the way to the end? Like flying a plane, we had a rough takeoff, we're still going through turbulence, and I've just realized that I've never landed something like this before...**

**And yet, this is all incredibly exciting. **

Chapter 3: なかなか なかなか なかなか なかなか 大変だけど (It's very, very, very difficult, but...)

Gary arrived the next morning.

With gale winds and an Aerodactyl the size of a small building, he made quite an entrance, but Gary always did have a flair for the dramatic. Brock said that it was a coping mechanism, or some sort of denial thing. I don't think about Gary's internal issues much, to my shame, because most of them end up affecting Ash. But I've had internal issues of my own, after all, and by the time I'd overcome them enough to even consider helping Ash and Gary patch things up, they'd done it by themselves.

It was far too early for Ash to be up, even by normal circumstances, but the younger Oak went straight to Ash's room and refused all deterrents. We tried to warn him beforehand, but Gary always did have to see things for himself. Even with reality staring him in his all-too-pale face, he had to see all the facts, and follow them to the very end.

Upon entering the hospital room, I thought briefly that we may have finally invented a scenario that Gary couldn't turn around by the sheer force of his attitude.

"This isn't happening," he declared upon arrival. "This can't happen, not to Ash."

Gary Oak, forever defying and defining the universe on his own terms. "Well, it did," Brock sighed, trying to gently lead him out of Ash's room and away from that tired, almost defeated face.

"No, you don't get it!" Gary protested, wrenching his arm free and ignoring Bianca's ironic advice that he had to calm down. "Because nothing happened to me! You can't have Ash hurt and Gary fine, because we're always together!" he all but cried, a slightly crazed look taking place behind his eyes, "And I won't let it!" Brock blinked for a grand total of three seconds before exploding.

"Since _when?_" he shouted, and Bianca gave up her frantic shushing. Ash didn't look like he had any inclination to wake, anyway. "For three years, you never said a civil word to him, and for the next few years, we barely saw you! If you're always together, then where in Ho-oh's blazes _were_ you?"

Gary froze, and stopped responding to questions after that. Brock looked guilty over his outburst, but it was nothing compared to how secretly happy I was that, for a second, we could blame someone other than myself.

We had to call a nurse, who brought Gary a blanket and a hot drink, and helped us get him safely seated in a chair, but he never quite rose from his state of shock. His Umbreon was beside itself. "I've never seen him like this," it kept repeating, "Not ever." I'd always thought that Gary would be the type to stand strong when all around him had fallen, braving storms right until the end of the world. But Ash and I had faced the end of the world together, and I was only now discovering that without him, I couldn't face another day. Should I really have been so surprised if Gary proved to be the same?

Luckily for my sanity, we got the miracle we were all praying for around noon. Ash's heart actually made an attempt at having some semblance of rhythm and with every hour Ash moved just a little further from the grasp of the spirit world. In the early evening, his eyes fluttered open, and our tears of relief were shed freely. When we realized he could breathe without assistance, we thought everything was going to be fine.

But we celebrated too soon, because while he was awake and somewhat cognizant, Ash had not been as responsive to questions and stimuli as the doctors had hoped. I would have called that exhaustion, and thought that Ash was entitled to it, but there seemed to be some genuine concern over this. But they let us in to see him anyway, and graciously waited to descend upon my trainer with all the new tests they'd cooked up for him now that he was finally awake.

The visiting times were staggered, not wanting to overwhelm Ash too much upon returning to the waking world, and we all deferred to Ash's mother for first place, even though I truly wanted to be the one Ash saw first. But my turn would come, and I watched her run to Ash's side, stroking his hair and clutching his hand with relief and joy.

Ash smiled back at her, though he seemed distant and didn't make any attempts at speech. Again, I refused to worry, as the boy had only just started breathing earlier that day. If he didn't move or speak much, wasn't that normal? But I couldn't help but notice that he did seem different, not that I had a host of experience with a hospitalized Ash to compare to.

I'm not sure what I expected when I was finally granted entrance. Maybe for one or both of us to cry, maybe I secretly hoped he'd spring out of bed and start shouting wildly, fanciful as that was. But if he'd just smile at me in that happy way that always seemed to open up his soul, I felt like that would be enough.

But when I sprang up on the bed with a cry of delight, I didn't see anything remotely similar in Ash's eyes. In fact, his body had gone stiff, and he looked terrified. "Pikapi?" I moved a little closer, which only served to make him more agitated. In the background, the heart monitor was beeping faster and louder. "Pika?"

He closed his eyes and turned away from me, like a frightened child, and it felt like a slap in the face. His body began jerking awkwardly, as if he was trying to move himself far away but couldn't quite do it. "PiKachu?" I asked, trying to get him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong, but he just kept inching away, making a high-pitched keening noise that sounded like screaming.

With the spasmodic movements and the shrill, dangerous beeping of the heart monitor, I began to worry that he might hurt himself, but even so, I still had to be forcibly moved from the room by two Audino. By this point, Ash had begun wailing, with loud, full shouts that echoed down the halls and only stopped with the addition of medicine to his IV bag and my complete removal from his sight. If Ash's awareness had been minimal before, it was non-existent now, and the best anyone could do was calm him down until the drugs kicked in and he fell asleep.

"What on earth?" Brock muttered, while Bianca stroked my fur with more gentleness than I would have expected of her. "I though he'd be thrilled to see Pikachu." I had thought the same way. Never once had I any reason to consider otherwise. We were best friends, and yet, he had been repulsed by me to the point of having to be sedated.

"Well, he's been through a lot," Iris pointed out reasonably, "And Ash is kind of an idiot. Who knows what was going through his head?"

"What, like a nightmare, or something? Day-mare? Are those real?" Bianca wondered aloud, and I wanted to believe that explanation so badly. Brock shrugged his shoulders.

"We'll know more once he talks to us. It might not have anything to do with Pikachu at all."

Brock was wrong, though. A few hours later, I dared to creep into the room of a slightly loopy but awake version of my trainer, but I didn't fare any better than before. This time, he just closed his eyes and sobbed, and I left before he got too worked up. Whatever it was, it had everything to do with me.

I heard some familiar voices as I exited the room, making my fur stand on end. "Look, we don't want any trouble-"

"Trouble? Prepare-"

"Now's not the time for dat, you knuckleheads!"

No, _they_ couldn't be here, not now. I sped around the corner and my anger doubled to see that I was right. "Pi-Pikachu!"

Team Rocket turned in perfect sync, knowing my voice as well as I knew theirs. "Pikachu!"

"We heard," James said, in a voice so broken that I almost felt sympathetic.

Almost. "Get out," I hissed at them. They didn't get to be here, they didn't deserve to be here. Meowth took a tentative step forward, holding his hands up in a gesture of surrender.

"Look, we're not gonna steal anything," he insisted, flinching when my cheeks sparked. "We just wanna see the twerp, that's all."

"We swear," James interjected, but I wasn't at all swayed. I stood my ground, blocking the hall.

"I don't care what you came for!" I yelled at them. "I want you gone! You hear me?" Out of the building, out of my life, out of existence, all of that would be fine.

"Please?" Meowth tried again, bravely taking another step forward. "We didn't mean- well, we wanna apologize."

"Like _hell_ I'm letting you in there!" I screamed. Iris ran forward, worried and nervous.

"Pikachu, calm down!" I didn't care what they wanted to do, or how innocent their intentions were today. They'd been making my life miserable since Viridian, causing trouble everywhere they went, breaking absolutely everything they touched. And I still had a score to settle with Meowth for duping us on our way to Nimbasa City, and this time, there was no Ash to talk me out of it.

They were a big part of why there was no Ash to talk me out of it.

"I said, _get out!_"

Brock stepped up, face tense and stern."Pikachu, stop it!" he commanded. "If you don't get a grip, they're going to make you leave!"

"Please, Pikachu?" Jessie spoke for the first time, taking her eyes off the floor.

"I hope you _die!_" I chraged up, prepared to release a thunderbolt and send them blasting off, but the Audino put a quick stop to that. Stupid Disable. "_No!_ Don't you see? They're criminals! They-" I was cut off when Cilan scooped me up in a crushing embrace.

"I know, Pikachu, I _know_," he told me as his tears fell on my fur. "We _get _it, we do, but this isn't helping..." I struggled for a bit, but was eventually forced to give up and see reason. But I got my victory in the end; in the commotion, Officer Jenny was called, and since Team Rocket was still wanted for various crimes, they split without ever getting near Ash.

Throughout all of this, Gary displayed all the movement and pallor of a stone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Now that Gary's here, I feel much more confident, not that he's proving to be too terribly useful to anybody...**

Chapter 4: Our Courage Will Pull Us Through

When Ash woke, he was much more cooperative than the night before, though the sight of me sent him into another hysteric fit. Once he calmed down from that, however, and couldn't see any sight of me, he was willing to submit to being poked, prodded and asked all sorts of questions.

And that was where we ran into trouble.

Aphasia, they called it. I called it nonsense.

"I swear, they're making most of this stuff up," I muttered, and Snivy shushed me with her evil eye. I was on the receiving end of that a lot lately. "This is a fake disease!"

"Strictly speaking, it's not a disease." The therapist, who had sculpted a rough model of the human brain out of differently colored chunks of plastecine, was trying to explain to Ash what was happening to him, and the rest of us were trying to follow because the explanation we'd already heard was simply unbelievable.

"The red part controls your comprehension of words, and this blue part controls your ability to speak them." Ash nodded periodically, enough to suggest that he was understanding her, but retained a pained scowl that he refused to part with. "The red part is mostly fine, so you can understand us when we speak. But since the blue part was hurt, your brain is having trouble remembering how to talk." And read and write, among other things. "Do you understand so far?"

Ash nodded, but his face revealed that he thought the whole thing was absolutely ridiculous. I would have laughed if it wasn't somehow true. But, at least, we were finally able to establish some communication between reality and whatever hell Ash was currently living in.

"Nnnnnnnnn..." Words failing him, Ash picked up the pieces of the putty brain, moving them around and seeming to be asking a question, but no one was quite sure what. Frustrated tears came to his eyes and he eventually had to give up, letting the therapist try to play a game of Twenty Questions to get at his meaning.

Ash couldn't remember how to talk. He could hear us just fine, understand us with only minimal difficulty, but couldn't _remember _how to talk. He could still follow one of the Professor's lectures, but couldn't string together a three word sentence. _ Ash couldn't remember how to talk!_

"Seriously, this can't be real." Apparently, reality had no part to play when it came to human physiology.

Oshawott wrinkled his nose. "How can they stand being so complicated? He must have a million things wrong with him!"

"Well, it's not like he chose it for himself." And then, everyone looked at me.

My fur bristled. "What?" They looked away; these interchanges were becoming far too routine.

I took a deep breath and tried to remember that we had Ash back with us, sort of, and that was a miracle. And there were steps we could take, everyone kept saying, training for his mind that would help Ash regain some of his language abilities. We had to keep hoping, keep working towards the brighter future.

Ash was patting his head, trying to ask for his hat through pantomime, and in that instance, realized that all his hair had been shaved off. At his face, my hope deflated like a balloon.

"I'm going to go play with Scraggy," I muttered to the rest of the company, who nodded with varying levels of distraction. I hopped off the windowsill that I'd been spying on my trainer from and trotted across the grass to where Tranquil was rolling a ball around for Scraggy to Headbutt.

I wasn't allowed to let Ash see me. Supposedly, it was a temporary thing, just until we could figure out why he'd been afraid of his own pokemon, but I suspected the nurses didn't want me anywhere near him after the report from Hoenn arrived. Doctor Proctor was a little kinder and didn't give me the evil eye whenever he saw me, but it didn't change anything. Ash went into hysterics at the sight of me, so I had to keep my distance until his heart got a bit stronger.

Scraggy tried to Headbutt me as a greeting, and I stepped out of the way. "How's everything out here?"

"I'm trying to help him perfect his attacks," Tranquill replied as Scraggy turned around and came charging the other way. We dodged in unison. "But I don't think he's actually listening to my advice."

"I'm not that surprised." But at least he was keeping busy. "And how are you doing?" We hadn't properly talked in a while, not since Ash was unconscious and our world was finding new ways to destroy itself.

She smoothed out her feathers as Scraggy rushed by a third time. "I'm much better now that Ash is awake."

I nodded. "Aren't we all?" I kicked the ball and sent Scraggy chasing after it, wishing I had half of his energy. "Little guy's pretty wound up, huh?"

"Well, it's been an intense few days, and we can only hide so much from him." True, sooner or later, Scraggy would realize that this wasn't a routine hospital visit, and I only hoped that Ash could show some improvement before we were forced to come clean about the real reason we were here. "I heard, by the way. Oshawott told me." I didn't need to ask what she was talking about. "I know that you never meant to-"

"It doesn't really matter," I sighed. What I'd meant to do, what I'd wanted, all of it was meaningless, because it had happened. "Compared to half a building falling on him, that's just icing on the cake." A terrible metaphor. "No wonder he can't stand me."

"We don't know that's the case."

"I'm his best friend, and he doesn't want me near him. What other explanations have you got?" She was quiet after that, and the two of us silently took turns knocking the ball across the lawn so Scraggy could Headbutt it back at us. Ash hadn't freaked out over any of the other pokemon. Granted, he hadn't gotten more than a glimpse or two of them, as everyone had been preoccupied with the discovery of his lack of language ability. But he hadn't cried or yelled when he saw them, and actually seemed to like the Audino.

"I didn't like him at all, when we first met." Even after deciding to give him a chance, it was several weeks before Ash truly won me over, before I realized how much I cared. It had been instantaneous for him, but for me, we were halfway across Kanto before I realized that I would break if he ever abandoned me.

As it was, we weren't that far from that situation, now. "To be honest, that first day," I said quietly, "If he'd been hit by Gary's car and died, I probably wouldn't even have cared."

"I don't believe that." Very kind of Tranquill, to believe in my better nature, but she hadn't known me for that long. It had been a long journey, and I'm not the pokemon I was at the start of it. But the conversation was interrupted by Oshawott running towards us it breakneck speed, nearly tripping on the way.

"You're not going to believe this! It's terrible!" He shouted, and we shushed him quickly.

"Scraggy might hear you, idiot!" A quick look over our shoulder told us that we were safe, for the moment. "Keep your voice down."

"You've got to come right away," Oshawott continued with no regard for the preservation of Scraggy's innocence. "Come on, you guys, it's really bad this time."

"What happened?" Now, I was the one who didn't care who heard me. "A heart attack, seizure? Did he stop breathing?" Tranquill's eyes were wide, like a Stantler in headlights. "Tell me!" I was already running towards the door, leaving behind a stunned Tranquill and Scraggy, who was just starting to catch on to the conversation. Oshawott toddled behind me, not able to keep up as I raced through doors and around corners, flying into Ash's room and only remembering at the last second that I needed to hide under the table.

I caught my breath; he was alive, seemingly fine. It was everyone else who looked like they had died. "What's going on?" I asked a nearby Audino.

"You're not supposed to be in here," she sighed.

"But I heard-" I was interrupted when I heard Ash's mother speaking, and thought I had better pay attention.

"What's wrong, Ash?" she kept asking, and I craned my neck to get a good look at them. Ash didn't seem to be in any more pain then usual. If anything, he just seemed confused. "These are your friends, aren't they? You're acting like you don't even recognize them."

_Oh, no, no, nononono..._ Oshawott skidded into the room beside me. "This is what you were talking about?"

He nodded, blubbering ferociously. "He wouldn't smile at me! Not even when I made funny faces!"

"Maybe he's just not in the mood to deal with your idiocy after all he's been through today," Snivy snapped, joining us under the table. "I know I'm sick of it." But she looked concerned, hurt, even.

Cilan approached the bed, hesitant. "Ash, it's me," he said earnestly, "Cilan. We're traveling together, remember?" I don't think Ash's reaction really surprised anybody, but we were all hoping our instincts would be wrong. The shaking of his head was a pronouncement of doom. "No, no way..."

"He's just tired!" Iris proclaimed, stepping forward with a confidence that everyone knew was false. "And you've got so many bag's under your eyes, Cilan, nobody would recognize you!" She leaned towards Ash, grinning expectantly. "Of course you remember me, right?" But Ash shook his head again, innocent and nervous, and that changed Iris' whole demeanor.

"Y-you, you," she stuttered, staring at her friend in horror. "Ash, you... you run off, sleep for days, and then forget all about me? You- you're such a _child!_" With that, she fled the room, almost knocking over Brock on her way out.

He turned towards the doctor, as shocked as anyone else. "It couldn't be amnesia, could it?" The doctor frowned to himself.

"It's possible..."

"No." Gary stood up so quickly that his chair fell over with a clatter, thus proving that he wasn't furniture for the first time that day. "No way, Ashy-boy, you can't forget your friends!" He was by Ash's bedside in two strides, shaking with emotion. "You forget about Brock, too? Your pokemon? Dawn? _Misty?_" As far as I could tell from my awkward angle, Ash looked lost and confused. "And me? Did you forget about me, too?"

No. Miraculously, Ash did seem to know him, for all the comfort it brought Gary. "But not them? They're by your side every single day, and you_ forgot _them? What else did you forget, huh?"

"Gary..." Professor Oak began, but Gary was beyond listening. Possibly beyond reality, if the look in his eyes was any indication.

"What about J, remember her?" Brock and Professor both grabbed one of Gary's shoulders to stop him from throwing himself at the bed. "We faced her together! Or that time you got possessed by a legendary, you've got to remember that!" Ash's face remained blank, and Gary's eyes actually teared up, something I never thought I'd see.

"I think we'd better step out for a minute," Professor Oak was saying, and he attempted to guide his grandson towards the door, but Gary was having none of it, and struggled against his captors.

"And the Silver Conference?" he all but shrieked, yet all he got for his effort was some confused blinking from Ash. "You can't forget the Silver Conference, you hear me? We battled, you beat me, we spent the whole night talking!" Everyone who wasn't occupied with trying to hold Gary down was looking away and wiping tears. As for Gary himself, he was bawling openly, angry tears cascading down his face. I felt like we were back facing that tornado.

"You _won_, don't you remember? You finally beat me, doesn't that matter to you?" He kicked the edge of the bed, and now all the medical staff were on red alert. "_Come on, Ketchum!_"

"That's enough for now, Gary." And with Brock's help, Oak forced his grandson out into the waiting room while Ash simply stared. He looked sorrowful, if nothing else.

My mental state wasn't much better than Gary's. Ash had lost his memory! Years of his life- accomplishments, failures, friends, rivals- gone! Already, Doctor Procter was discussing with Ash's mother all the things they could try in order to figure out just how much of Ash's life had vanished, but it almost didn't matter, at this point.

He forgot us. He forgot all of his friends, excepting whatever he remembered about Gary, and me, whom he couldn't stand.

He forgot us!

"I can't believe it," I breathed. How could he- He promised he'd never forget! "He doesn't even know us..." Oshawott continued to sob, and I caught sight of Tepig across the room, sniffling in Bianca's arms.

"Maybe he'll remember later?" she was saying hopefully, even though I didn't think even _she _could be such an airhead. "I forget things all the time, right?" But if it made Tepig feel better for a few seconds, then it was a nice lie.

"Well, this explains a lot about last night. Ash just doesn't remember you," Snivy said to me, trying to find the silver lining, but I wasn't buying it. Giant chunks of Ash's memory had winked out of existence, _memories I had a place in_, and there was no silver lining in that.

"It doesn't explain anything!" I tried not to shriek. "Ash Ketchum loves pokemon. He loves _all_ pokemon! He loved me the second he saw me! He loved me before he even met me!" I was approaching hysterics, and everyone had taken a step back and was eying me warily. "Ash has _always_ loved me, and if he forgot, he'd just start all over again from the beginning! He can't hate me, and he can't forget, it's impossible..." Someone had called an Audino over, who started chanting something that made me a little bit drowsy. I resisted that at first, but the sleepiness forced me to let go of my frustrations and eventually, I calmed down.

"He can't forget, he just can't..." Impossible. "He promised he would never forget me." Never forget me, never forsake me, never abandon me, never stop being my friend. He'd promised that to a lot of people, and now, he couldn't even _remember_!

It was Cilan who picked my groggy self up off the floor, with tentative, shaky arms. He carried me out into the waiting room, and I had to comply, since it would take a good ten minutes before I'd be able to shake that darn sleep attack.

Gary and his grandfather were several feet away, still causing a ruckus. "Now, calm down, Gary! He hasn't forgotten you, that's more than many of the others can say."

"But he forgot everything that _matters!_" Gary insisted, far gone enough that he didn't care who saw him weep. Those cheerleaders of his would have fainted, if they were here. "Everything that makes me _me!_ Who am I, now?"

Professor Oak sighed and put a hand on Gary's shoulder. "I know that it hurts, but Ash hasn't stopped being your friend-"

"You don't _know!_" Gary cut in. "You have no idea! You don't know what it's like to look at him now, to be his friend when he doesn't know anything about you! You can't imagine what it's like to look into his eyes and see that he doesn't_ know _you anymore!"

"Actually," Professor Oak said in a terse voice that made Gary pause, "I can imagine it pretty well." The two generations of Oaks gazed at each other for a moment, before the Professor pulled his grandson into an embrace. "Oh, Gary, Gary..."

Gary just sobbed. For my part, I stopped resisting my growing weariness, wanting to sleep my way out of this bad dream. Cilan's arms, though still shaking, were warm and familiar, and if I closed my eyes, I could almost pretend things were normal.

"It'll be alright, Pikachu," Cilan said, "Somehow. We'll get through this." With those words echoing in my mind, I curled up closer to him and willed myself to dream of a healthy, hale Ash who laughed aloud and hugged me in his arms.


	5. Chapter 5

**So, Silver is a character of the day in Pokemon Chronicles, who had a very interesting reaction when Ritchie brought up Ash. As that particular episode spent a lot of time drawing comparisons between Silver and Ritchie, Ritchie and Ash, and how all three of them are basically the same person, I've been wanting to complete the triangle for some time now, and have Ash and Silver interact.**

**Anything else implied here is simply conjecture on my part.**

**But as far as conjecture goes, you will agree that it's rather difficult to write a fic like this and _not_ go there. So, please forgive my indulgences, and I hope I've left it vague enough that it can be ignored by those who are poised with their bazookas at the ready.**

**Enjoy!**

Chapter 5: GOLDEN SMILE & SILVER TEARS

It was confirmed very quickly that in addition to lacking the ability to speak words, Ash also couldn't write them, read or identify them out of context. Numbers also eluded him, as well as being able to figure out the date, though the latter didn't surprise anybody.

When shown pictures of his family and the Oaks, he seemed to recognize them, but not Iris, Cilan or any of his pokemon. With some questioning, it appeared that Ash's memories were fairly solid up until his ninth birthday, but everything after that was shaky at best. He couldn't remember leaving on his Pokemon Journey, and even a picture of Misty didn't seem to spark any recognition, but for some reason, he did react to a picture of Max, and, oddly, was able to pick out Agatha from a picture of the Elite Four. I didn't think being forgotten was so bad by comparison, because when they showed him a picture of me, he started crying.

I hadn't thought it possible that anything could distract me from his physical ailments, but that was the world we lived in now. The only speck of light available was that physically, he was improving, after a fashion. If not for the involuntary shaking, ranging from almost imperceptible to glaringly violent, Ash would likely be back to "normal" very shortly, healing much faster than the average patient. That was Ash in a nutshell, abnormally normal, and still worlds away from the plane the rest of us operated in.

But, when the doctors decided they were finally done with finding bad news, we managed to rouse Gary from his stupor enough to drag him into Ash's room for a proper reunion. Whether Ash remembered all of us or not, we'd been craving his presence for too long to pass it up. I hung back near the doorway, ready to bolt in case the sight of me caused any trouble.

"Good morning!" Bianca shouted cheerily as we entered, though it was afternoon, and she knew full well that nothing about the morning had been good. She walked straight up to Ash's bed and waved wildly, favoring the direct approach. "I missed you," she added when Ash stared at her blankly.

Ash pulled away, shyly, though it might have had something to do with his current inability to use his right shoulder for anything as strenuous as waving. When Bianca realized this, she immediately switched to her left, causing Ash to laugh and be won over, though it seemed moving the left side of his body wasn't any easier for him. It didn't look like he was in much pain, but there was little to no control, and there was less 'waving' than there was 'spasm-ing'. "I'm glad you're back."

He returned her smile, but still seemed depressed about something, which was his right; he had a lot of topics to choose from. Cilan, however, proved insightful enough to figure it out. "This is weird, huh? We know you, but you don't know us."

Ash nodded, looking away with unease. I wanted to rub cheeks with him, let him know that it was fine, that we were just happy he was still alive. Let him know that he wasn't alone. But I was afraid that I would scare him again, so I stayed hidden.

Cilan pretended to be untroubled. "Well, if we all introduce ourselves, then we won't be strangers anymore, right?" Ash seemed to like that idea, and gratefully smiled in return. Cilan proceeded to give his name and a long, embellished version of his many achievements, and Bianca enthusiastically told Ash more than he probably wanted to know about her. All the excitement seemed to be tiring him out, so Iris wisely kept her introduction short. Gary hung back, which didn't surprise anybody, even though Ash kept trying to get his attention, and Brock was quiet. If Cilan hadn't made introductions for him, he might not have called attention to himself at all.

"This is Brock, you guys used to travel together," Cilan said, constantly searching for recognition in Ash's eyes. I think if he could find some, he'd finally lose the haunted look in his own. "Brock's a cook, too, like me. When you're better, we'll have a cook-off, and you can judge who's better." Ash looked eager, his love for food had survived.

"Yeah, you look like you're sick of this hospital slop."

All things considered, the atmosphere was positive. Ash was a bit shy with his human friends, which wasn't surprising, as Sam and Ritchie were the only two people I'd ever seen Ash bond quickly to. On the surface, Ash was amicable and trusting, but it took time before he opened up completely to people. Pokemon, however, Ash would trust them implicitly. He'd never consciously admit to it, but it wasn't hard to see if enough time was spent with him, and it wasn't that hard to pick up a few hints as to why Ash was wired that way.

But I knew the things that Ash whispered in the dark, lonely nights, and the things he didn't dare give a voice to. I knew his secrets and his quirks, his fears and his vulnerabilities, and I knew that for a boy so eager to trust everyone he met, it could still be daunting to place a heart in the care of someone else.

While Ash was friendly to all, they had to earn their place in his heart over time, and no one was shocked to find that this would likely be the case now. But he seemed to genuinely like all of them, and he was enamored with the Pokemon, again, not surprising in the least.

But we should have been on our guard, as things were going a little too well. Within a few hours, Ash had forgotten everyone for the second time.

"This certainly leaves a bad taste..." Cilan said nervously, looking from Ash to the therapist, who was standing up marvelously to the news that her patient had trouble remembering all they'd done earlier that morning. "If Ash can't remember new things, how's he supposed to recover?"

"Exactly, it's not fair to take his old memories _and_ his new ones," Bianca declared. "They should just pick one or the other!" Everyone sighed.

"Now I know why your dad didn't want you to go traveling," Iris muttered. Regardless of what was fair, in addition to losing a great portion of his memory, Ash also had a great deal of trouble retaining new information. But the therapist was quick to assure us that progress was not impossible; Ash was just going to have to work a little harder. Iris was quick to latch onto that hope, and did her best to pull everyone else along with her. "Like the people in the dragon village used to say, 'A cracked bowl can still hold water.'"

But Ash didn't share Iris' optimism. With every forgotten skill or memory realized, he withdrew more, and asking a question was like pulling teeth. As much as his short term memory was impaired, he was growing aware of his own deficiencies, and how much he had lost was starting to sink in.

"You can't get discouraged," his mother lectured him, gently. "It's hard now, but you can beat this. It's only impossible if you give up." Ash just stared at the ceiling, and his thoughts were probably the same as mine: Delia was wrong, this was as impossible as it got.

Then again, Delia had stood up to an Entei, played therapist to a desperate five-year-old with an army of reality-bending pokemon at her command and flown straight into the apocalypse to look for her son. If anyone could do the impossible, it was her, and everyone said Ash was just like his crazy mother.

Around us, there was talk of surgery, though I was never sure to what end. More and more, I was being left out of such discussions, which may have been by my own subconscious choice. Certainly, I was withdrawing from the group, preferring to curl under a table by the door and watch Ash in secrecy than sit in a room with them and pretend things weren't completely hopeless. Deep in my heart, I had stopped believing things could ever get better.

And so, I watched Ash watch the scenery pass by, wincing if he twitched and ready to run for a nurse if it turned into a seizure. But most of the time, Ash just sat there, lost in whatever thoughts he still had available to him.

Until_ he_ showed up. "Sir, if you can't keep you voice down, I'm going to have to ask you to leave!" Out in the hall, a tall, gray-ish-silver haired man was making quite the commotion.

"Come on, Prockty, you need more excitement in your life!"

"I just performed two back to back surgeries, I do not need more excitement!" Doctor Proctor muttered to himself. "Sir-"

"Name's Silver."

"Silver, sir," the doctor grit his teeth. "Visiting hours are over. And you have to keep you voice down, there are patients trying to recover!"

"Alright, alright," the man called Silver conceded with a sigh, the Chikorita on his shoulder following suit. Even so, he brushed past the doctor into Ash's room, and I scuttled further under the table. "But you'll let me in, right? After I came all this way?" He looked around briefly. "Hey, where's Delia?" He addressed the question to the room at large, though only Cilan was nearby to answer.

"She left with Professor Oak to get something to eat." And that simple act had taken hours of persuasion. We'd been trying to get Delia out of the hospital and into the fresh air for _days._

Silver just shrugged when he heard. "That woman," he said with more fondness than irritation, "Always running off somewhere." Turning back to Ash, Silver waved heartily. "How's it going, there, half-pint?" Cilan, though interested, stepped into the hall to give the man his privacy.

Since the man walked into the room, Ash's eyes were singularly focused on him and him alone. It was the first time since the accident that I'd seen him with his eyes so wide and interested. While Ash didn't make any sounds or movements, this man had his complete attention, and I wasn't quite sure if it was warranted or not; I'd never met the guy, and there weren't many of Ash's friends that I didn't know.

Even if there were, apparently Ash had forgotten them all, anyway. "Met a friend of yours awhile back. Ritchie... That guy coulda been your long lost twin or something. I hear news from him now and again, he's a good kid." Silver parked himself in a chair by the bed, and the Chikorita jumped off his shoulder and started inspecting Ash. To my contradicting relief and dismay, Ash seemed interested in the Chikorita, proving that it really was me and me alone that he had a problem with.

Silver leaned back a little, continuing to chat. "Made a bit of a name for yourself, not bad for a kid your age. Keep seeing you in tourney matches on the TV." I was reminded briefly of Max, though this stranger seemed to have a bit more respect for Ash's accomplishments. "Nice job in Sinnoh, it's not easy when a guy comes at you with a legendary. Makes me miss my youth, though..." The man's demeanor seemed casual and relaxed, but I could see that he was really watching Ash like a poised Fearow, as were we all. Ash simply pet the Chikorita with halting movements.

"All these strong trainers, new ones every year... I keep thinking I'd like to get back into tournaments," Silver carried on, "Maybe I'd face you in the arena? The timing's never right, though. Yeah, the tournaments are every year, but nature can change in an instant. Still, with people like you around, I start thinking that the right match could be just as rare and valuable as chasing a legendary." He grinned at Ash, who still kept his blank face, devoid of any clue he was following the conversation.

It sobered Silver up rather quickly. "You're just like your mother. Every time I catch a glimpse of a tv, one of you is always on, you pair of crazies. But I never thought... well, after that thing in Greenfield, I should have known better than to think that life would wait around while I wasted time." Ash turned his head slightly, as Chikorita sighed and stretched, looking up at it's trainer with slight sympathy. "Kept thinking I'd like to meet up with you, battle that famous Pikachu you're training, but I always went chasing after something else. Took something like this to get me to track you down." Chikorita noticed me under the table, and having enough of being pampered, hopped off the bed and trotted over to me.

Ash visibly became uncomfortable as Chikorita slipped into shadow. Silver raised an eyebrow. "Something wrong?" He followed Ash's gaze, peering into the darkness where I was hiding.

"He doesn't like me," I muttered to the Chikorita for an explanation. "I make him anxious."

Chikorita nodded, calling back to it's trainer, who relaxed, but raised an eyebrow "The Great Ash Ketchum, scared of a Pokemon," he drawled. "Never would'a thought." He leaned forward towards Ash, adopting a kind tone that I would not have thought possible of the rough and brusque man. "It's not going to hurt you, you know."

Ash turned and looked at him, and my heart stopped because Ash didn't just turn, he nodded. "...sca...ry..." He spoke. He reacted to a sentence, and spoke. _He was back!_

"PIKAPI!" My gleeful shrieking sent Ash into a shock, and I dove out into the hall while that Silver man put an arm around Ash to bring him back. Even strangers got to touch him, while I couldn't even look at him, and the injustice of that kept me from running too far away.

But, I was too excited by the new turn of events to dwell on that for long. We had hope again.

"Easy there, half-pint," Silver reassured, and Ash calmed down enough that I dared to peek around the door. His attention was focused on Silver, now, who had beckoned his Chikorita over since it seemed to help distract Ash from the 'monster' that might be outside the door. "What are you so scared of? To hear everyone else talk, you're too reckless to be scared of anything, let alone your best friend." Silver's eyes were calculating, at odds with his flippant voice. "You're Ash Ketchum, the kid who started his journey with some authority-resistant Pikachu Sammy Oak found chewing on his power cables, and then used it to take on a rock gym. You're the only trainer in decades to have the badge from Cinnabar Gym, and one of the few to have defeated Sabrina or Surge. Your mom told me you made it all the way to Viridian City in only a day, without a town map and that crabby Pikachu in tow." The man winked at me, smoothing over any offenses.

"...mnnn..." Ash distractedly replied, looking over in my general direction, but thankfully, he couldn't see me.

"Ever hear of the GS Ball?"

Ash looked up, and so did I. We had dragged that stupid thing over two continents, only to never hear from it again. With our luck, it was probably a worthless piece of junk collecting dust at Kurt's house. Silver laughed to himself. "It's a mysterious pokeball, painted gold and silver, but no one knows what's inside. Scientists have been trying to figure it out for years, but because no one can open it, I think most of them have given up. It's frustrating, and since they can't understand it, they decide that it's worthless." Yeah, that was a pretty accurate summary. But I would agree with the scientists, there; Pokeballs were meant to be used, and if no one could figure out how to use one, then by definition, it was worthless.

But Silver had a different opinion. "You're that GS Ball, kid. You always have been. But you'll open up when the time is right for you, not for anyone else." The strange man was speaking very earnestly, now. "No matter what anyone else thinks, there's something special inside you, and when you're ready, you'll show the world."

Maybe it was just the emotional roller-coaster I'd been on all week, but my eyes were tearing up at the metaphor. I hadn't thought about it that way, but it was true, had always been true, and maybe it still could be. It could have been stupid to put so much faith in a stranger's words, but Silver had nailed Ash completely, and I thought that someone who could grasp his essence so easily must know what he was talking about. Somewhere over the course of the conversation, Ash's gaze became completely riveted on Silver, hopefully taking in every word.

As for Silver, he was rising to his feet, ready to head out again. "I have to be going, for now, but I'll stop by and visit you again, 'k, kid? I'll bring Ritchie, too." Ash's eyes continued to follow all his movements, and Silver leaned over to ruffle the boy's hair, stopping the familiar gesture abruptly when faced with Ash's bald and bandaged head. He patted Ash's shoulder instead. "Take it easy. Even Pokemon have to rest at the Pokemon Center now and again." He waved as he left the room, but was stopped slightly when Ash waved back.

"...baahh...'bye...," Ash said, continuing to attempt communication, and a few feet behind me, Cilan was striking gleeful poses and going off on how he was a conversation sommelier and "It's Speaking Tiiiime!" For once, Iris didn't grumble.

Silver smiled appreciatively. "That's the spirit." He waved again, Ash mimicking him until they were out of each others' sight. The man stopped at he passed me, a change coming over his face, and he reached down to pat my head. "Don't give up on him, okay?" he charged, scratching me behind the ears. "Whatever things might look like, he definitely hasn't given up on you." What had he based that on? I didn't know how he could say that so confidently, but this man had known how to bring Ash back to us, and so, I felt I should try to trust him.

"Pikaa." As if I had to promise. Whatever happened, I wasn't going anywhere. Silver smiled again, a tiny trace of sadness in his eyes.

"I know it's hard, but don't give up." With that last bit of advice, he left us behind, and I realized I still didn't know who he was. "Say hi to Sammy Oak for me!" We heard his voice echoing even after he had passed out through the doors, as well as the fleet of orderlies who were no doubt trying to usher him out.

Professor Oak and Delia were shocked when Cilan relayed the greeting. "Silver was here?"

Ash's mother stamped her foot with as much humor as frustration. "That man!" she declared, dashing off in the direction Cilan had pointed. "Always running off somewhere!"

I laughed to myself, my spirits lighter than they had been in a long time. For all of the things weighing us down, I couldn't deny the truth of the strange man's words; Like the GS Ball, Ash was the one mystery no one could ever crack, the greatest undiscovered and unsung treasure of the world, and worth every second of waiting.


	6. Chapter 6

**For some reason, this chapter was hard to find a song lyric to title it. And then I remembered Pokemon Heroes, and it suddenly seemed so obvious.**

Chapter 6: Give Me Just One Chance...

Ash was back, and attacked his new therepy regime with gusto, pushing himself as fast as he could in order to regain his ability to speak. The progress felt slow, but since he seemed to have more or less kicked his depression for the time being, progress _was_ being made. Ash's physical condition was also improving immensely, to the point where he could stand to sit upright, and Doctor Proctor was willing to risk letting him be wheeled outside and spend time playing with his Pokemon.

"Now, he's still recovering, so be gentle, okay?" I told Scraggy again, hoping it would sink in this time. "Try not to be too loud, and no jumping on him, okay?"

"And no Headbutts," Snivy added, to which I was quick to reinforce.

"Yes, absolutely no Headbutting him." Scraggy nodded over and over, but the first thing he did upon seeing Ash was try to Headbutt his wheelchair. But after he got that out of his system, the rest of the afternoon was spent peacefully between Ash and the five pokemon.

It's not as if I wanted that to go badly, but it hurt when Ash's reactions to all of them were overwhelmingly positive. Ash, whether nine, ten, fifteen or twenty, would always love Pokemon, and the fact that he couldn't remember their past together was only a minor point of distress for him, at least on the surface. Not so much for the rest of our group, but the pain was easily soothed by all the warmth and affection Ash was so eager to shower them all with. Faced with their trainer's unconditional love for them, it was easy to accept that he might not remember small things like how they all met.

I had to go walk around by myself for a bit, because being near that display made me ill, especially once it seemed that being surrounded by his Pokemon was actually helping Ash recover. Not that I begrudged him, or was even surprised by this, but I couldn't understand what made my case unique. I went from being a best friend to being the only Pokemon that Ash Ketchum would turn away.

But I wasn't the only one having problems, even though it felt like it. After so many of us had endured the task of reintroducing themselves to our best friend, we walked in later that evening to find that he had forgotten over half of us. Again. By morning, he'd yet again forgotten everybody.

"How many times do we have to do this?" Bianca sighed, her cheery, oblivious attitude starting to wane.

"As many times as it takes." Iris, who had been so strong before, was starting to lose her courage. We could all see it, and half of what she said was meant to convince herself that she was okay. Her despondency grew every time she had to reintroduce herself to Ash, especially since he remembered Cilan more often than not.

"He's not really remembering anything we said or did, he just remembers that he knows me," Cilan tried to reassure her. "It doesn't mean he thinks one of us is more important, or anything." I, as well as Iris, did not find that comforting in the slightest.

Neither did May, when she arrived, pale-faced and on the verge of tears. But May was a paradox in cases like this, and she bravely sat by Ash's bedside and introduced herself as many times as she had to, smiling through the endless streams of tears. He might not have remembered her from visit to visit, but Ash clearly enjoyed her company, and that, at least, was something.

"He believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself," she said at one point. "I have to pay that back."

Misty wasn't able to leave the gym, or that was the reason she gave all of us. I didn't fault her, and neither did Brock. "The worst is over," he said with a sigh, "And Ash will be back in Pallet Town soon, where she'll be able to visit all she wants. Let her have the chance to brace herself." There were a million practical and personal reasons to keep Misty from flying all the way to Unova, but I still wished that she'd come anyway.

But she called, and Ash was absolutely delighted with her phone calls, one sided as they tended to be. He watched the webcam with rapt attention, hanging on every word, and always seemed disappointed when she had to hang up.

We didn't have any indication that he remembered who Misty was prior to each phone call, in fact, we suspected the opposite, but one day he surprised all of us by waving his left arm wildly while the nurse was checking the blood pressure with his right.

"Everything okay? Are you in pain?" she asked, but Ash shook his head and pointed to the computer. She complied and gave it to him, and Ash proceeded to access the videophone software and call Cerulean without any assistance whatsoever. Everyone in the hospital was floored, and on the other end of the line, Misty was in tears.

I had mixed feelings. On the one hand, Ash was retaining some information instead of perpetually losing it, and that was a miracle. But, still, it hurt. He couldn't remember enough about me to know that he didn't despise my entire existence, but he could remember the phone number for Cerulean gym.

It was never quite clear, just what Ash was thinking when he saw me, if he remembered meeting me before, or if each encounter was just a replay of that first time they let me into his hospital room. Some of his reactions were more violent than others, but all involved terror and avoidance, and I desperately wanted to know what was going on in his head.

And with desperation backing me up, I went to see him.

It was late evening, and for a rare moment, he was alone. I crept inside, hugging the walls until I got close to his bedside. In the back of my mind, I knew this was completely reckless; what if I triggered a breakdown? But, at the same time, I wanted to believe that we could work this out. I still believed that just being together could make a miracle happen, like it had so many times before.

Finally, I gathered my courage and jumped onto the foot of the bed. "Pikapi?"

He jerked, pushing himself as far back as possible, his wide eyes focused on me. "Aaaah, yuhhhh!" His usual incomprehensible sounds accompanied his retreat, pressing himself as far back against the bed as possible, but he didn't scream or press the call button for the nurse. I wondered if he remembered he could do that, but if not, I wasn't going to enlighten him.

"It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you," I said in my most soothing voice, but it wasn't having much effect. "Don't be afraid." Ash didn't listen in the slightest, gritting his teeth and covering his face in his hands. It wasn't right that Ash should cower before anything, least of all me.

"The Pikapi I know faces his fears," I said, hoping to appeal to his pride, if nothing else. And maybe that was the right move, for Ash did raise his head again, fearful and tear-stained as it was.

"...you.. mmrph..." he uttered, an attempt to say something, and I wondered if this was how he used to feel when we were first starting out, back when he couldn't understand me and before he learned to read me like a book.

"I won't hurt you," I promised, and though he looked like he was still waiting for the coming blow, he didn't flinch when I took a step closer. Inch by painstakingly slow inch, I moved closer to his side, until we were face to face. Less than a foot separating us; I could lean in and rub cheeks if I didn't suspect he might go into cardiac arrest. "Do you remember anything about me? Something bad?"

Ash just continued to stare, so I tried another question. "Are you mad at me? Did I do something to make you upset?" As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I felt kind of stupid. I've got a long career out of doing things that make Ash upset, most recently, frying him while he was trying to save us from a collapsing building. I may very well be responsible for most of his current condition, and who wouldn't be upset by that?

It was then that a thought occurred to me. "Pikapi, do Thundershocks... hurt?" A small, almost imperceptible nod, not that I was surprised. But to what degree? "A lot?" Humans process pain differently than Pokemon, I'd learned that a long time ago, but I didn't really understand it. Still, humans bled, as Ash had demonstrated in a rather spectacular manner, and even little scratches hurt and stayed on his skin for weeks. I couldn't remember the last time I saw a pokemon bleed, or any time where an electric attack did more than cause it to faint.

Ash didn't answer that question, but I forged ahead. "Is that why I scare you?" Still, no response, and I found myself getting frustrated. I was doing everything I could, but he wasn't even trying!

"I can't do anything if you won't talk to me!" I snapped, and I regretted that when he recoiled. Some progress I was making. "Sorry. I just want to make this right..."

"What are you doing?" We both turned out heads as Oshawott clambered up onto the bed, jumping between me and Ash, protectively. "You're not supposed to be here!"

"Says who?" I challenged, not liking the attitude Oshawott was taking, or the way Ash seemed relieved by his presence.

"Says me! You scare him!" he pointed with some proud posturing that was more annoying than it usually was. "Everyone knows you just make him worse!"

The part that stung was that deep down, I agreed with him. The rest of me was focused on how unfair this whole situation was. "Tell me," I all but growled, "Just how much are you enjoying this?"

Oshawott looked hurt, like he didn't shove me off Ash's shoulder at every possible opportunity. "Look, Pikachu," he said, changing tones completely, "I would never want to break you guys apart." Oh, please. "But you do make him...weird, and he needs to get better." He looked at me with stupid naivete. "Don't you want that?"

Was there any question? "You want me to disappear for the next few weeks? Months? Years?"

Oshawott fidgeted. "Well, no, but..."

"Then what do you want from me?" I cried, and the question was directed to Ash as much as Oshawott. Ash's heart rate sped up and he started making frightened noises again, which cause Oshawott to jump to his defense.

"You could try thinking about someone other than yourself for a second!" he shouted at me, scallop at the ready. "It's your fault he's like this, after all!"

"Why you little-" We started circling each other, stepping gingerly around Ash's knees while waiting for the other to make the first move. Battle was inevitable; I had trouble tolerating Oshawott on a good day, and under the current circumstances, I was ready for war. "Quit being so high and mighty! You think this is easy for me?"

"You're not thinking about Ash! You're just jealous!"

"Jealous! Of what?" I scoffed.

"You being here hurts him, but you don't even care," Oshawott shook his scallop angrily, "Because you can't stand it if his whole world doesn't revolve around you!" And that pushed me over the edge.

"That's it, you little squeeze toy, you're dead!" And I pounced, sparks clashing against scallop shell as we tumbled off the bed. It wasn't one of our better battles, for neither of us were going full out. Even as angry as we were, we didn't hate each other, not really.

But if I could just make him hurt a little... somehow, I thought it would make life fair again.

Finally, Oshawott misstepped and I got my chance. "Pika-CHU!" Not even quarter power, not nearly enough to hurt him as much as I was inside, but enough to prove my point. Whatever that point was, I'd kind of forgotten in my rage.

But it didn't matter, because a sharp pain in my cheek stopped everything. I turned, thinking Oshawott had pulled some sort of trick, but I stopped short when I saw Ash was on the ground with us, clumsily knocking Oshawott's scallop out of the fray and reaching out towards the stunned Pokemon.

Had Ash just slapped me?

"Nnnnnnnno," he kept saying in a distressed manner, and the two of us were sufficiently humbled enough to stop fighting. "I'm sorry," Oshawott mumbled, like a young child caught doing something naughty.

I didn't feel much more mature myself, but I went and collected Oshawott's scallop and brought it back to him with an apology of my own. But when I approached the other two, the look Ash gave me sent chills down my spine. I didn't think it was possible for someone to be so terrified, let alone someone like Ash. By now, the machines were sending out the frenzied signals to the nurses, and I was sure that I would be banned from this room again.

And maybe that was for the best, right now. "Pikapi," I tried to say, but Ash just scrambled backwards, and I realized that it was a pretty impressive feat of coordination, that he had managed to get out of bed and defend Oshawott without hurting himself too badly. That said, his arm was twitching madly, nearly convulsing, and the rest of him was shaking. Ash was in pain, couldn't move properly and could barely call for help, yet he had jumped in to defend a friend he didn't truly know from his own greatest fear.

That was the Ash I knew and loved.


	7. Chapter 7

**Unfortunately, I have a clear divide between Season 8 and everything after it, and while writing this chapter, I realized that I don't know all the Isshu character's English names, haha. I did, at one point, consider writing this fic with all the Japanese names, but realized that I'd have the same problem with a lot of the pokemon Satoshi caught in Jhoto and Hoenn. It's a shame we can't mix an match. I'll probably have Ash making a joke about this, later down the line...**

_**Chapter 7: **__**けんか なかなおり またけんか 言いたいこと いっぱいあるけど **__**(We fight, make up, then fight again, there are a lot of things I want to say to you, but...)**_

I had forgotten just how good Dawn was at deluding herself.

"This is fun!"

Fun. She was so much like Bianca, it was scary, excepting that deep in her heart, Dawn knew full well that nothing about this situation could ever be classified as fun.

"It's like a game!" she cried out cheerily, sifting through flashcards and grinning at Ash. "Come on, try to guess another one!"

Ash groaned and rolled his eyes, having little patience for word games on a good day, let alone a day when all of his memories had been fried and bashed out of his head. But he complied, in time, looking over at Dawn's flashcard and sighing. "Whyyy...?"

"Can you tell me what this is?"

An apple. "...aaaaah..." He shook his head. "...aaabbbuuu..." It was painful to watch, and only Dawn, with her constant "No need to worry!" mantra could handle these exercises for any significant length of time.

Luckily, Ash had no shortage of visitors, so the job was divided considerably. Stephan actually managed to make a joke out of it when he stopped by. "Now you actually have an excuse for getting my name wrong."

His reaction was considerably more positive than many of the others who stopped by. Burgundy was the worst. "I warned him," she told Cilan, an odd look in her eye that might have been grief or sadism. She looked straight at me with those eyes and a blank face. "I told him he should have replaced you."

Cilan made sure that she left immediately and never came back.

Georgia stopped by briefly as well. She didn't stay long, but she also didn't trade barbs with Iris, and that was the most thoughtful thing she could have done, really. Trip took one look at Ash, snapped a photo, and then left promptly. Iris yelled after him, wondering how on earth he could take a photo of his rival looking so incapacitated, but he didn't turn around. I was content to accept that Ash had a knack for attracting rivals with personality issues, and left it at that.

Not to be outdone by the others, Paul actually called the hospital, news of the accident having spread to whatever corner of the world he was currently spreading cynical-ism to. Not that he had much to say beyond general inquiries. "Figures the idiot would do something like that," was his parting shot, and he hung up with all the abruptness we had come to expect from him.

"Cheery," Gary drawled, after the fact. "Where'd you guys pick him up?" Brock sighed.

"One of Ash's rivals. Trust me, we never went looking for him, he kept finding us." That wasn't entirely true, as Ash had a disturbing masochistic slant to his behavior when it came to his rivals, and whenever he saw Paul, he tended to trail after him like a Poochyenna starved for attention.

"Rival, huh?" Gary said, with a touch of a smirk back on his face. "Ever as good as me?"

Brock's voice had never contained so much venom and ice, not even when he had Dameon by the collar. "You're probably about even when it comes to battling, but no, Gary, nobody's ever been able to beat you at making Ash feel so completely worthless." His voice had risen a few decibels, and it distracted Ash and Dawn from their conversation.

The color drained out of Gary's face, which was alarming, as he'd never quite gotten it back since first arriving at the hospital. "What's your problem, Brock? That's," he paused for a second, maybe having to choose his words with more care than usual. "That's in the past."

"The past?" Brock scoffed. "Every time I see you, you insult him! And if you haven't noticed, all Ash has got is the past! You might as well have shown up with those stupid cheerleaders!" Dawn got up from her seat and made her way over nervously.

"Don't you think you're being rude?" she pointed out with hesitation. "Gary is Ash's friend, just like you are-"

"You don't_ know _him, Dawn, you've only met him twice!" Dawn mumbled that it was more than that, but Brock ignored her. "You didn't have to spend years watching this kid dismantle Ash's self-esteem. You didn't see Ash breaking over and over, and put himself together only to get bashed down again!"

"If I remember correctly," Gary snarled, "You didn't do much to stop me. Agreed with most of my insults, in fact." True, and it hit a nerve with Brock.

Not that it was helping the older boy's mood. "You came in, tore everything apart, and then left. I'm the one who traveled with him and supported him after you crushed his dreams."

"No, you're the one who ditched him every time you saw a pretty girl." And just like that, we'd unleashed a whole volcano of emotions. "I'm sure your 'support' meant so much coming from a guy who'd abandon him if ever a girl would say yes. You only travelled with Ash for so long because you're pathetic and no one else would put up with you." I thought Brock was going to punch him. He might have, if Dawn hadn't held him back.

"This is ridiculous!" she cried. "You're friends, Ash's friends! You shouldn't be fighting!"

"Friends?" Brock scoffed. "Trust me, Dawn, this guy doesn't qualify."

"What?" Gary was seething. "I've known Ash longer than you have! You're saying that means nothing?"

"The first time I met you, you were publicly humiliating Ash in front of his own mother, so, no, I don't think you're winning any best friend prizes today!"

"You-!"

"You're a spoiled little brat who has to have everything. You want all the toys, and everybody worshiping you, like a fussy toddler! But you couldn't have Ash," Brock accused, "So you broke him until nobody could have him, until you were the only person he looked up to. And it might have worked, if he didn't go off and get a new best friend." That struck a chord with Gary, but Brock continued before he could form a counter. "Interesting, huh, how he replaced you _so_ easily. You've never been half as important to him as Pikachu. And after all your speeches and your insults, Ash has dozens of friends who will cross regions for him, and you don't have any friends at all."

"Stop." The voice came from Ash, and from the look on his face, he was threatening to get out of his bed. "...n-not... stop... nnnn... b-b-brothhhhhh... t-t-t..." Whatever he said, it was enough to guilt Brock into leaving the room. Gary continued to stare at the floor, lost in his own thoughts again.

"...wro...ng..." Gary looked up, slowly, unusually hesitant to meet Ash's eyes. "...so... wrong..."

"What do you know about it, Ashy-Boy?" And he left as well.

"Ga...ry!" But he didn't turn around, and Ash's shoulders slumped in defeat. Dawn looked torn, and eventually made her way back to Ash and picked up her flashcards again.

"Let's get back to this," she said kindly. "They'll calm down in a minute, and then you can talk some sense into them." I opted to go out and find our two comrades, recognizing that something had been stewing for some time now, and they wouldn't simply calm down.

Brock was in a corner of the waiting room, sitting in a chair with his head in his hands. He looked up when I came over. "Guess you're pretty disappointed in me, huh?"

"Pika." I was, though I could hardly blame anyone for emotional outbursts, particularly if Gary was involved. He had a knack for causing those. "Pikachu?"

"I..." Brock groaned and shook his head. "I don't want to talk about it, it's stupid." I would have pushed the issue, but a nurse came over and called to us. "A call for me on the videophone?"

"Actually, it's not for you," she said awkwardly, "I think it's for the Pikachu."

Odd, but when I got to the phone and hopped up on the seat, I saw that it was Bulbasaur, calling from Oak's laboratory. "Oh, good, I was wondering if I was ever going to get through to her." I hefted up the receiver and placed it to my ear, then realized I didn't need to go through such unnecessary effort and found the speakerphone.

"What's up?"

"You're asking me?" True, what could possibly be happening at home to eclipse this? "No one's updated me in days, what's going on?"

I did my best to fill Bulbasaur in. "He can talk now, sort of. A few words, here and there, but some of them don't make a lot of sense. It's hard to tell, sometimes, he's not as chatty as he used to be." Ash wasn't a lot of things that he used to be. "But he's improving a lot. I think his memory's getting a bit better, too, but it's hard to tell, since he can't really tell us stuff..." I swallowed, trying not to drown in cynical thoughts.

"Will he be able to leave the hospital soon?" Ah, that.

"We'll be coming back to Pallet in about a week or two," I announced, and Bulbasaur looked pleased. "He's supposed to go for some sort of procedure in Viridian, but I think they want him to recuperate a bit first, and he really wants to go home." Ash had no idea where he was, that Unova even existed. He didn't belong out here. "By the time we get back, he'll probably be walking."

"I'll roll out the red carpet for you," Bulbasaur promised with a laugh, and I smiled a bit, until a thought sobered me up.

"Have you told the others?" Bulbasaur's grimace told me before his words did.

"Everyone at the lab found out along with me, but I haven't called Squirtle, or..." his voice trailed off as his grimace grew more pronounced. "We've all been debating on who gets to call Charizard."

"Not me," I said quickly, then explained, "He'll kill me."

"Probably." I looked down at my feet, kicking at the useless receiver.

"How much have you..." I took a deep breath. "Have they told you this was all my fault?"

Bulbasaur was quiet for a moment before answering. "Well, to be honest, we suspected it had something to do with you and a Team Rocket scheme gone wrong. If not you, one of the other Pokemon, Ash has a problem with that whole savior/martyr thing he's got going on..." Bulbasuar always had the most cynical view of Ash, or at least, down to earth. Part of that attitude was likely just carry-over from his experience with the pokemon at the Hidden Village, and he saw Ash in a very human light. Even so, I knew he'd gone beyond the days when he thought Ash would abandon us or leave us behind in danger, and that Bulbasaur loved his savior/martyr and as critical as he was, never wanted Ash to change. I did, I wanted Ash to be just a little more selfish and self-preserving with every fiber of my being, but Bulbasaur, oddly, did not. Ash would cease to be Ash if he were not so consummately devoted to his role, and therefore, unworthy of Bulbasaur's trust in him.

Unfortunately, that led to situations like this. "Tracey told me the details, and about the tests in Hoenn, but I haven't passed that on yet. I won't, unless you want me to."

"I don't." They'd probably find out on their own, eventually. "If Ash wants them to know, he can bring it up."

"Does he even know?" A valid point.

"He goes into convulsions at least once a day, so I think he knows something's up," I said dryly. But he probably had trouble remembering exactly why, given that hanging on to new information was proving so difficult. Even so, it didn't feel like our story to tell. Ash had kept this to himself for so long, and I wanted to believe he had done so for a purpose, that when the time was right, he would share this secret. "I think it can wait."

"Right," Bulbasaur agreed, and we fell quiet. Talking with Bulbasaur, I felt like we had things under control, like we could plan and organize our way through this mess. I wished he was still traveling with us.

"You wanna talk about it?" I wasn't sure. I felt I hadn't done anything all week but talk about this, and yet, there was so much I had left unsaid.

"I..." By rights, they should all hate me. "I think I did this to him."

"_Right_," Bulbasaur sighed with the usual lilt he had when he thought I was being stupid. "Because a collapsing building had nothing to do with it, everything is always you, you, you..."

"I thundershocked him, okay?" I snapped back, and Bulbasaur was quiet, though not from surprise. "Like, a real one, the kind that usually knocks him out or makes him glow blue." Bulbasaur bit back a laugh, but he hadn't been there on the day we got attacked by aliens. I had been so scared when Deoxys grabbed Ash, not knowing what had been done to all the other humans that were taken, and had let loose all the vestiges of my power to break the foreign pokemon's hold. I probably should have worried a little more than I did at the time, but it was somewhat humorous after the danger had passed, even though I didn't think humans were supposed to be glowing like that.

"Trying to escape?" It wouldn't have been the first time, but, no.

"We were trapped, and... I panicked," I finally admitted, giving a voice to the thoughts I had been keeping buried. "I don't even really know why, just, it was small and cramped, and I could barely breathe..."

"That's not like you," Bulbasaur agreed. "Or maybe it is. You do hate pokeballs, don't you?" It's not quite the same. I don't like closed spaces, but it's a bit particular. Some places are safe, and some are not. Ash's arms are safe. Cages aren't. Tunnels were usually okay, but a broken down pile of rubble...

"I don't like feeling trapped," I said, "I always worry that if I go in a pokeball, I'll never come out."

"Maybe it felt the same? My mother used to say that the earth was the ultimate pokeball that catches all living things someday. Belonging to the great trainer in the sky." I thought about that for a minute.

"She really said that?"

"She was a trove of off-beat metaphors." Comparing death to a pokeball didn't help my mental state much.

"Well, maybe I'm just a coward..." Bulbasaur snorted at me, and I was mildly offended at first.

"You're not a coward, Pikachu. You used to be, but not anymore." For some reason, I didn't find this all that reassuring. "If you were a coward, you wouldn't still be here, now." Possibly not, but...

"I want to run away," I confessed, not knowing that of myself until that moment, "I want to run away from here so badly..." Run, as far as I could, without looking back to see the carnage behind me.

"But you don't, and that's what makes you brave. You're becoming just like him."

And I stopped, because that was the biggest compliment anyone had ever given me.

"Thank you."

"You'll be okay, Pikachu. And Ash will be okay. We're going to get through this."

"Right." In the corner of the screen, I saw Tracey trying to get Bulbasuar's attention, likely needing to make a phone call. "I'll see you in a couple of weeks. Try to get it through Bayleef's head that she can't tackle Ash when he arrives."

"Oh, good grief," I nearly laughed at Bulbasaur's expression of realization. "I'll tell her. I'll tell them all, most of these nutcases need to hear that speech..." All we needed was an over-enthusiastic greeting to tear open all of Ash's stitches. "I'll call Squirtle, too, and all the others. I might hold off on Charizard until Ash is actually back home, though. I don't want him arriving and setting his temper loose on everyone."

"Good idea." Hanging up, I felt a feeling of dread when I thought of facing Charizard. Everyone was being extremely considerate towards me, considering how much I was involved in the whole mess, but Charizard would be sure to look for someone to blame, and there was no better candidate than me. Our friendship might not survive the fact that I had permanently damaged our trainer, actively, if not intentionally.

I wandered back into the waiting room to find that Gary had returned, along with that spacey, not-quite-with-us look he'd been sporting a little too frequently of late. I made my way over to Brock, to either comfort him or scold him for making Gary weird again, just when he was starting to act functional. It wasn't like Brock to take out his frustration on other people, but then again, this accident was bringing out the worst in all of us. If Ash could have seen us in his right mind, he'd be shocked at the way we were behaving.

May had found Brock, and was a good listening ear for him, able to listen impartially while he ranted about some boy she'd only heard about through old stories. "It's not fair, you know. Everyone thinks Gary Oak is so great, but we've been traveling with Ash for years! We're his real friends!"

"It's not a competition," May said diplomatically, rubbing her sneakers on the tile floor until they squeaked. She might be a good listening ear, but I could tell that our recent bout of infighting was making her uncomfortable. "Ash is still everyone's friend-"

"He doesn't remember us, May!" Brock cried. "He doesn't remember _me_! I've spent every day with him for the past three or four years, and he's forgotten everything about me, but he still remembers the little brat who picked on him, and it's not fair!" He looked like one of his baby siblings, throwing a tantrum. "Why? Why Gary? Wasn't I just as important?"

"Pika, pikachu," I assured as I joined the fray, and was startled to see that Brock looked a little misty-eyed. I didn't often see him cry.

May continued squeaking her shoes against the tiles. "You said some pretty awful things to Gary."

"Well, they're all true," Brock snapped, and I grimaced, biting back the thought that if Brock was going to say such things, he should have been saying them years ago, when Ash needed someone to stand up for him. We'd all let Gary tear him to pieces without a second thought, so none of us had the right to be dredging up criticisms after the two of them had buried the hatchet.

"That doesn't make it right." Brock would have agreed with her on a good day, but none of us had been having a good day for awhile.

"It should be me Ash remembered," Brock kept muttering to himself. "It should have been me. I'm the one who should be his best friend, Gary doesn't deserve it..."

"I think," May said, an edge forming around her constantly insecure phrasing, "That you're not the one who gets to decide who does and does not deserve to be loved by Ash." And with that, she got up to go join Dawn with the word exercises, leaving Brock to mope. I stayed with him for awhile, understanding his sentiments a little more than I would have liked to admit, but could only take about ten minutes of Brock stewing before I felt my own mood falling prey to darkness and depression. I went to go check on Gary, feeling that someone probably needed to.

He was staring out the window, watching the rain dashing itself against the glass. He didn't look away from the mesmerizing sight when I tugged on his jeans, but he did speak, which was probably a good sign of mental health. "When we were kids, I always wondered where rain came from. Gramps used to say that it rained because the pokemon who controlled the weather were crying." He laughed to himself. "And Ash used to say that we should go find them and cheer them all up. I joked that he was so small that if he got hit by a raindrop, he'd drown." I could easily picture the two of them as small children, bickering and playing with toys, running and teasing with big smiles on their faces.

I didn't like to admit it, but Gary knew a side of Ash that I could never know, an Ash that existed before the Pokemon Journey. That was just the way life worked, I supposed, but sometimes I did feel little twinges of envy when I thought that there was a part of Ash's life I had no place in. I understood why Ash hadn't chosen to use me in the Silver Conference when he faced Gary, and actually admired him quite a bit for making that decision, but it still hurt to be left out of something so important.

Gary continued staring at whatever it was he thought he was seeing. "There's actually an old Kanto legend where it rained for so long that the earth flooded, and all the people died. But the Pokemon cried, and their tears stopped the flood and brought the people back to life." I felt like I'd heard this before, but I couldn't remember where. _But there are no pokemon tears today, just waters which no one can survive._

The rain cascaded against the windowpane like someone was crying waterfalls. "I don't think it's ever going to stop raining."

I sighed, watching the bewitching and disheartening rain with Gary for a time, until Professor Oak came up behind us. He coaxed a cup of hot chocolate into Gary's hands, then led him back to one of the chairs, awkwardly trying to start some sort of conversation. But Gary's silence and vacant stares to the floor made it clear that he had no wishes to acknowledge reality on any terms that weren't his own.

"It's going to be alright, Gary," Professor Oak promised kindly. "You can trust your Grandpa on that." He put an arm around Gary's shoulders and the boy leaned into him, and I found myself wishing fervently that Ash could come and put his warm arms around me.

Professor Oak would have to do, and I accepted the offer to jump into his lap and have my fur stroked by gentle, loving hands. "Do you remember when we first met, Pikachu?" he asked, just as I was closing my eyes.

That had been so long ago. "Pi..." I murmured, letting myself relax. Outside, the storm was still brewing on all fronts, but in this corner of the waiting room it was quiet and loving.

"I certainly remember you, chewing on my power cables. Right in the middle of the Boccer Championship game, too." He laughed a little and I joined in. The old man had been so furious. "You were so young. I don't think anyone's ever hated me as much as you did right then." It wasn't anything personal; I hated everyone, back then, particularly people with pokeballs telling me what to do. "I didn't know what to do with you." I laughed to myself, thinking on how the world spun around crazy until things fell into place. I could still remember Oak's face, grimy from crawling and slithering under his deck to find me munching on the live wires. The last thing I wanted was to be trapped in a pokeball by a doddering, old geezer, or get stuck with some little brat as their starter pokemon, and yet, that chance encounter with Oak was ultimately the best thing that ever happened to me.

Could the world work itself all out a second time? "The older you get, the more you start to worry about the future," Oak continued. "Your life becomes harder and the world becomes more of a mess. You start to wonder if a bright future can even exist." Especially now. "When I was young, I glimpsed the future, but, as time passed, it felt more and more like a half-forgotten dream. When I saw you, you reminded me of myself. You looked like someone who'd lost faith in the future." Professor Oak patted me, and I felt his smile through my closed eyes. 'Lost faith' was a mild way of putting it. I had gone so far over the edge that I was actively raging against the future. If I hadn't been placed in Ash's care, I'd likely have done something stupid and reckless before too long, which was ironic, as those were thing I generally accused Ash of having a penchant for. But his stupidity did not, thankfully, include self-destructive behavior.

Professor Oak sighed aloud. "I didn't really believe it was him, not at first. I didn't even suspect it for several years, but when I did, I wouldn't believe it. But over time, my half-forgotten dream became stronger in my memory. I lost faith in him a few times along the way, but he always reminded me that the past was the past, and that the future would be just fine. To Ash, I'll never be more than a foolish old man, but when I'm with him, I feel like little Sam again."

_Sam... _of course. Why on earth hadn't we realized it sooner?

Why now, when Ash couldn't remember him well enough to appreciate it?

"That's why I captured you, I thought you needed someone who could bring back your future." The future, and the past. Linked in ways I couldn't understand, all converging on the one boy who knew how to connect them. Ash could build a bridge between Past Gary and Future Gary and let the water flow underneath, could take Dameon's Chramander and turn it into Charizard and then, _Ash's_ Charizard, the two of them laughing over their tumultuous past with perfect acknowledgment but none of the pain.

Ash saw where I was coming from, and saw a future I could never see for myself, and then, moving mountains, worlds and my own stubborn heart, he got me to that future. When I was with Ash, I knew that the sun would rise every morning, and we were ready to face what it held for us. Before him, I didn't care if the sun rose the next morning, and didn't much care if I was even around for it. I didn't care about much of anything.

Would I go back to that place, now? Having come so far, looking back on that part of my life, it seemed so dark and meaningless.

"Do you remember when you and Mrs. Ketchum used to take us to the movies?" Gary spoke up, changing topics completely. I think the question was directed at his grandfather, but he possibly could have meant it for the floor, as he was staring at it so intently.

"Yes, I remember."

"Ash always liked those stupid comedies. He'd roll all over in his seat and embarrass himself, and then I'd tell him to shut up and stop acting like a moron." He shook his head, a bit of a smile on his face but pain in his eyes. "I never told him, but I kind of liked those movies, too." Professor Oak smiled to himself, and patted Gary's shoulder.

"He wouldn't have kept inviting you if he thought you didn't want to come." Insight. It always surprised me that Ash had it, but he did, and Oak was right; Ash could just as happily have gone to the movies by himself.

"I liked documentaries best," Gary continued. "Sometimes a drama or action, but I liked more realistic movies. I was always telling Ash that those zany slapstick comedies and hero fantasies were nothing like reality." _Ash _was nothing like reality, when you got down to it. "And one day, he told me that he liked movies because they weren't reality, that he saw enough of real life every day, and he didn't want to see anymore." Interesting. And now his real life was stranger than anything people could dream up for a movie. "I never figured out what it was he didn't want to see..."

"Yes, you did." Both Gary and I were surprised by his answer. "You forced him to sit through all those war dramas with you, and then you made up "secret endings" for him where everything turned out happily." Gary fidgeted, gripping the cup of chocolate long since gone cold. "You should stop blaming yourself for this."

So that was it. If The Great Gary Oak had been here, this might not have happened. In Gary's mind, he should have arrived in that shiny, red car, thrown that stupid cape dramatically over his shoulder and somehow thwarted the mafia and forces of nature. Like I wished I had been able to do.

"Who's going to make up a happy ending for him, now?" My heart broke for him. "I can't do it anymore. I've forgotten how to see the world like he does."

"Well, maybe it's Ash's turn to change the story for you. He makes his own happy endings now." Would that I could have such faith, that I could believe this story could ever have a happy ending. "The heroes only achieve their goal after going through the darkest hours imaginable, after all."

Gary's lips twisted, and his thoughts were the same as mine: we didn't want Ash going through dark hours, but constantly living out his zany, comedic life where the only danger was boredom.

But that was something out of our control. I left the two Oaks and wandered back into Ash's room, taking my customary spot under the shadowy table by the door. Ash seemed in decent spirits, though maybe a little frustrated by Dawn and May's insistence on drilling his vocabulary. I felt for him, Ash hated these sorts of games, but with all the progress he was making, I wouldn't be the one to stop the girls.

"Use your words, Ash." Ash responded with a moderately rude hand gesture, but refocused himself and grimaced at the picture of a Pokemon Center.

"...j-j-j...Joy..."

"Yes! One point!" May cheered, and Ash looked rather pleased with himself. "What else can you find at a Pokemon Center?"

"...ch-ch-ch...uh... chuh-bliss..." Ash struggled here, but May and Dawn hung on with encouraging looks. "...piii...nn...k..."

"Um, we'll give you a point if you can explain that one," Dawn said uncertainly, and Ash shot an exasperated look at her. "Well, I'm sorry! What are you trying to get at with "pink"?" For an explanation, Ash pointed to his arm and started making gestures that made no sense to anybody. "Words, Ash."

"Bah!" Ash grumbled, but tugged a little at his bandages and spoke again. "P-piinnkk... b-booorrr... pookkkeee..." May and Dawn shot each other worried glances. "Aaaft...ter..."

Dawn pursed her lips. "Well, 'after' is a word," she said to May, but May disagreed.

"We don't know what you mean, Ash. Try something else." She thought for a minute while Ash looked furiously helpless. "Is this thing alive, or inanimate?"

"Inanimate means it's not alive," Dawn supplied helpfully, which caused Ash to roll his eyes at her. "Sorry. Carry on."

"...dddd... dee-dea...ddd...de..ad..." Ash said, then paused and shook his head. "nnnnn... nnnnooo..."

"Alive, or inanimate, Ash, just pick one!" May sighed. "Just repeat what we said." Ash stared at her for a minute, wide-eyed with surprise.

"...d-did..." The girls stared back.

"No, you definitely didn't," Dawn replied, and Ash shook his head and insisted that he had. "Can't you just say it like we said it?"

"Did!" Ash repeated again, a little bit heated this time. But, under their unyielding gazes, he finally conceded and held up two fingers. "...t-tw..ooo... ti...ti-me..."

"Two time? Like, the second one?" Dawn interpreted, and Ash nodded, grateful to be back on track. "So, an object, how do you use this thing?"

"... uhhh... b-br... um, c-c-can...an't... bro-kkkenn..." Ash kept holding out his bandaged arm for emphasis, "hhhhhh... hhuuurrr... fffiixx...hu..rt...p-pok-ke...mnnn..." Dawn suddenly stood up, triumphant.

"'Fix hurt Pokemon', that's a _sentence_!" Ash looked up, almost as surprised as me and the girls, and a slow grin broke out across his face. "Triple points, Ketchum, way to go!"

It was, of course, kind of a bad sentence, but a few days ago, we weren't sure Ash recognized his own name. A tear fell from my eyes, and I was surprised to find myself crying, but for a change, with joy. Maybe Professor Oak was right, maybe Ash could still see the future none of us could see, and write his own special ending to this tragic tale.

Or, maybe, I thought, watching May and Dawn laughing with their old friend as if this were a typical game on a typical day, maybe we were finally being given the chance to bridge the gap between his past and future, writing the happy ending he wanted to see.

In my jubilation, I forgot how important it was for me to stay in the shadows, and I somehow managed to catch Ash's attention. Our eyes locked for a moment, and in those seconds, I saw our happy ending re-writing itself into something darker.

"...you..." he breathed, and May and Dawn were both on their feet in a second.

"He's not going to hurt you, Ash," they began, but Ash wasn't paying attention to them anymore, wide eyes focused only on me.

"...hhh...i-i-i..." I had no idea what he was saying, and he looked just as terrified as ever, but this did feel like progress. At least he was trying to say something to me. "...lll...l-liii...g-g-goouhhh..."

"I don't understand," I said softly, as non-threateningly as I could.

"sss...sca...rrr..." he whispered back in a choked voice. "...so... so sscar-ed..."

"I know." And I'd do anything to make that go away, but he had to tell me how.

May and Dawn were still poised at the ready, but they hung back a bit while Ash tried to form words to his thoughts. "...sa...sa... don-t..." He gulped, blinking back tears that were forming, and never once breaking eye contact. "...de...ad... g-go..ne... scar-ed..."

"You're fine, Ash," May said gently, "There's nothing to be scared of, anymore."

"...saave... mmee..."

Oh, I wished I could. "Pika?" How, though, that was the question. And from what?

"...go!" That was clear, and an order. "Go... g-go aaa...awa..yy...ugh... go... scareddd... sst-tooppp...stop..."

I'd had enough of torturing him for one day, so I slipped out of the room and slunk back into the waiting room. Just when things seemed to be going well, they took another turn for the worse.

Gary was alone again, and had gone back to staring out the window. I joined him in this pursuit, and tried to ignore the new jealous feelings towards this boy that I seemed to share with Brock. Hating Gary was an easy way to take the focus off of myself, but it wasn't his fault that Ash could remember good things about him.

"What's that?" Gary muttered, squinting his eyes and actually looking cognizant as he peered out of the window. I wondered if he might have dropped off the earth enough to be hallucinating, but when I followed his gaze, I also saw a shadow out in the rain. "It looks...sort of..."

Familiar. To me, at least, there was something about it that I was sure I'd seen before, and though it seemed like such a crazy idea, I nonetheless jumped off the windowsill and ran for the door, Gary on my heels.

We dashed out into the rain, following all the senses we had available to us to track down this phantom. Elusive shadows caught in the corner of our eyes, sounds that might be raindrops, or breathing, or something else entirely. A smell that was both familiar and not, and of course, a sense, pure and strong, that_ it _was here, despite all reasons why that should not be so.

"Pika-Chu!" I fired a weak thunderbolt, not hitting anything but feeling the impression that I had not been so far off. Something had been there, and my gut instinct told me it was still nearby. "Pika-Chu!" Still nothing. "Chu!"

This was getting frustrating. "Show yourself!" Gary cried, hair plastered to his neck. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea. If my suspicions were correct, this would terrify the kid.

On the other hand, Gary supposedly raised an Aerodactyl from a fossil and had been there when Ash, Dawn and Brock had all gotten possessed by legendary Pokemon. Nothing should surprise him, anymore.

"Quit playing games and get out here!" I shouted into the rain. "I know it's you!"

"Games were never my design," I 'heard' the familiar voice speaking into my mind. So, I was right. "My apologies." I looked to the dark shadows in a group of nearby trees, and watched it step into the light, pulling back it's hood. A one-of-a-kind pokemon, with strong, athletic legs, a pair of spindly arms, a permanent scowl and the eyes of someone who could destroy the world with a thought.

"No way..." Beside me, Gary was going pale. I took a step forward, prepared for whatever new craziness that was about to be brought into our lives.

"MewTwo." The scowl became more of a smirk.

"We meet again."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: It's not about win or lose, it's the path you choose...

* * *

><p>Even when he's in a good mood, MewTwo freaks me out, and standing next to him can be awkward. Standing in front of him, possibly blocking him from his goal, is like staring down death. I'm not sure why I feel so uneasy around him, since we last parted as good friends. We've actually only met once in my memory, and as cranky as he'd been at the time, he was on our side.<p>

I'm pretty sure that it's the time we met outside of my memory that's the source of worry.

Ash wouldn't have a problem with MewTwo showing up unannounced, I was pretty sure of it, and his smile wouldn't be laced with uncertainty like mine was, even with the mysterious pokemon's penchant for scowling, displays of power and lurking in shadows. Ash knows full well that MewTwo is capable of killing him before he can even comprehend the situation, but has a trust in the strange pokemon that cannot be shaken by MewTwo's demeanor, or the fact that MewTwo may or may not have tried to kill him once before. Or that he may or may not have succeeded in that venture; details are still sketchy on that point.

But Ash wants to trust everything and everyone, be it Team Rocket, ludicrously powerful pokemon or perfect strangers, and he doesn't much seem to care that it's unwise. In his view, all are innocent until proven guilty. I usually call it naivete, but when Meowth was traveling with us to Nimbasa, Ash told me that he wanted to trust that thieving cat even though he knew who it was and all the years of trouble it had brought to us, and I'm not sure it's being naive if Ash knows he's doing it.

Whatever I call it, I'm not quite there, and now, I had no Ash to balance me out. MewTwo's sudden arrival sent up warning flags in my head that were hard to smother. "So, uh," I tried to speak without sounding nervous or accusatory. "Why are you here?"

MewTwo didn't respond right away, instead looking over towards Gary. "No way," the boy kept saying over and over. "No way, I can't believe it..."

"Believe it, human, I am very real." I wondered if this was a common reaction? Gary's face was growing paler by the second, and since his pallor had been steadily sinking all day, it was beginning to worry me.

"PiKAchu?" Gary gulped and nodded, though he still couldn't tear his eyes away from the rare pokemon in front of him.

"Why are you here?" he repeated my question. "I didn't think I'd ever see you again."

MewTwo seemed confused. "Have we met?" If Gary's face was any indication, they'd not only met, but managed to traumatize one of them in the process. "I'm afraid the memory escapes me."

"Usually it's the other way around, huh?" I cracked, then flinched when MewTwo turned sharply. Maybe we weren't quite good enough friends to be joking like that.

But I didn't receive an energy ball to the face, and MewTwo actually seemed to smile. Well, smirk in a kindly fashion, as I'm not sure MewTwo actually knows how to smile like a properly adjusted being.

"Indeed." Oh, good grief, how many people has he mind-wiped? "You don't look familiar," he addressed Gary again, who stood up a little straighter.

"I battled you for the Earth Badge. I lost," he added, with a small touch of regret.

"Of course you did." I suppose if you're capable of destroying the planet on a whim, you don't have much need for humility. "Nidoking?" Gary nodded, and that seemed to satisfy MewTwo, even if Gary looked like he was having cardiac arrest.

"For the third time," I broke in, trying to word things so they sounded authoritative while still non-threatening and friendly. I felt like the earth had become a massive sheet of eggshells, and my mental state was just as fragile. I could accidentally offend a comrade who could be deeply and irrevocably hurt by my callousness, or MewTwo could have shown up with the intention to kill us all. It really could go either way. "Why did you come here?"

"I believe it's customary when a good friend is ill to pay them a visit," he replied smoothly. Was he laughing at me? "Or does that ritual not extend to me?" Yes, he was definitely enjoying my discomfort. Even so, the question he was asking was genuine, and a corner of his eyes betrayed his own uncertainties.

"Wait, you know Ash?" Nobody answered Gary, but that didn't seem to matter. "Figures..."

I let out a breath, deciding I could trust MewTwo at last. "Thanks for coming," I said, voice now full of nothing but gratitude. "I should warn you, he might not be able to remember you-" My brain suddenly short-circuited, and my words dropped off while my mind ran off on a completely new tangent. Memory...

"Explain yourself," MewTwo demanded, eventually giving up on me and asking Gary to bring him up to speed on Ash's medical condition. Amazingly, the boy was able to summarize the situation fairly accurately, despite having floated in and out of lucidity all week. "And is this permanent?"

"It's hard to say," Gary replied uneasily, eyes continuously darting toward me, even though I was busy with my own line of thinking. "These next few weeks are supposed to be the best chance he has at recovering, but he's not improving nearly as fast as they were hoping he would... Still, he's come a long way in a short time..." Gary's words sounded dead in his throat, and I'm sure MewTwo picked up on that. Gary didn't do optimism, he did reality, and the reality was that Ash's chances of becoming "normal" went down with every day, and the strides he was making were nothing close to what we were all praying for. We needed a miracle.

Luckily, we had one. "You can fix this, can't you?" MewTwo turned back to me, surprise on his face. "That's why you're really here."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Gary interrupted us with a sneeze.

"Can we not know what he's talking about out of the rain?" His petition was heard, and we reconvened under the awning by the door. It was a shadowy place, especially with the weather as it was, and I doubted we'd be disturbed for awhile. The only people crazy to run out in this gale were already out in it.

I shook some water out of my fur, then continued. "You're psychic, right? You know how to manipulate memories." MewTwo looked both confused and uneasy.

"I am not sure what you mean..." As if.

"I mean, you can bring his memory back!" I insisted, now sure that I was correct, and we did have hope again. "You can fix whatever's wrong in his head. Isn't that why you came?" MewTwo looked from me to Gary, the latter only half-following the conversation, and shook his head.

"I merely came to ascertain the situation..."

"And now that you've done that, you can save him!" Save Ash from his own mind, his own traitorous brain. "Can't you?"

"I'm not sure I-"

"You wiped our memories all those years ago!" I persisted with a small touch of acid. "I think you owe it to us to give some back!" Gary seemed to get the gist of my words, and his eyebrows shot up with childish hope.

"Can you really do that?" he asked, as if he was five-years old and asking MewTwo if there was a Santa Claus. I had met Santa, along with a whole host of beings that shouldn't exist, as well as seen a lot of abilities that shouldn't have been possible. If I could take down a Rhydon with a thunderbolt, then restoring a few memories should be a piece of cake for a psychic of MewTwo's level.

"I don't believe I can..." the cat-like pokemon began, but under Gary's innocent eyes and my glaring ones, he finally relented. "But I can try."

We only had to wait about an hour for the visiting hours to end, after which there was much less chance of being discovered in Ash's waiting room. MewTwo was reluctant to reveal himself more than necessary, and I was just as reluctant to explain to the uninitiated how we'd first met this friend, as I honestly wasn't quite sure, and MewTwo was content to keep it that way. While we waited, I was able to ask about something that had been bothering me for awhile.

"So, what's with the cape?"

MewTwo tossed his head in a haughty sort of way. "It's a cloak. I don't like to draw attention to myself."

"A cape doesn't draw attention to yourself?"

Gary was following the conversation well enough to comment, "I don't think it's so bad..."

"You wouldn't," I sighed. But watching MewTwo's eyes narrowing dangerously, I decided to let that topic of conversation go. Unfortunately, doing so moved us to another subject full of hidden minefields.

"How extensive are the physical injuries?" MewTwo actually sounded a bit hesitant, not unlike I'd been feeling on a regular basis. "Not life-threatening, I assume?" He may have wanted to sound aloof, but he'd never hide the flavor of soul-piercing terror that all his worst fear were realized. I knew that tone all too well.

"Not anymore." Thanking all deities. "Not sure how permanent, though, there's still treatments and therapy..." MewTwo looked at me from the corner of his eye, not turning his head.

"But you have not given up hope."

Not yet. "There's still a chance." Now, more than ever. Just a few moments ago, things had been looking up, but the hopes I harbored now eclipsed all that joy. Ash's slow recovery was wonderful, but nothing compared to the new miracle we now had. We could beat the physical maladies, I was sure we could, if only he could remember...

Friends, family and well-wishers slowly drifted out of Ash's room and off to the Pokemon Center, or whatever hotels they were staying at. Some of our closer friends were camped out on the back lawn of the hospital, not wanting to be separated at this time. Ash's mom remained inside, often dozing off in chairs unless Professor Oak could convince her to take better care of herself. Two nurses wheeled another boy into Ash's room, taking up the unused side of the room. He was covered in bandages from head to toe, and I didn't want to postulate what those were hiding. He looked young, about half Ash's size.

I wondered if he had a best friend crying somewhere.

But luckily for us, he didn't have any visitors late at night, and appeared to be fast asleep, so when Delia finally stepped out of the room, we took our chance and snuck in.

Ignoring the room's new occupant, I focused my attention on Ash, reluctant to wake him up and have to hide again. Soon, I told myself, soon, it'll all be back to normal. MewTwo will fix everything, and you'll have your best friend back. I clung to that belief, not daring to consider the possibility of this not working.

I climbed into a wastepaper basket and we woke Ash up, ignoring his groggy protests. He'd thank us when this was all over. Gary picked up my basket and set me on a table near the bed, high enough that Ash couldn't peer over and see what was inside. He then sat down in a chair and crossed his arms, despite MewTwo's slightly pointed looks. I think MewTwo might have preferred Gary's absence, but letting MewTwo near Ash was not going to happen if Gary wasn't present, he'd made that very clear. I don't know what sort of history those two had, but Gary seemed to remember it very vividly, and he may have been justified in his concern.

Meanwhile, MewTwo cautiously approached Ash's bed. "Hello."

"...hello..." Ash's curious eyes met MewTwo's impassive ones, though if I were to guess, I'd say MewTwo was not as emotionless and controlled as he tried to appear.

"Do you know who I am?" A shake of the head, not surprising. "Well, then...there we are..." He trailed off and the two stared at each other for some time, before I finally broke in.

"Let's get started, before someone comes in." In reality, I couldn't have cared less about MewTwo being discovered. I was impatient to get Ash's memories back, to have him look at me with love and recognition. I wanted to hear him speak, properly and unhindered, and I'd been deprived of it for far too long. "Come on!" Ash's eyes widened; he'd heard my voice, and was nervously scanning the room for me.

"As you wish." MewTwo raised one of his toothpick arms and closed his eyes, a blue glow mmiting from his palm. I watched with rapt attention, waiting for my miracle to take place.

"Oh, hello! Are you a friend of Ash's, too?"

All of us turned in wide-eyed unison towards Ash's mother, who was just walking back into the room with the jovial smile we could usually expect from her. MewTwo threw his hood up over his head frantically, I ducked lower into the wastepaper basket, and Gary shrugged his shoulders and just looked up to the sky.

"I, um, am please to meet you..." MewTwo thought aloud, actually stammering for a brief second.

"Oh, you're a ventriloquist!" Delia clapped her hands with childlike enthusiasm, and I sighed to myself. I've often suspected there was some sort of steady gas leak at the Ketchum house. Of course, it worked in our favor that Delia didn't suspect anything odd about this new psychic visitor, since I couldn't remember ever hearing MewTwo "speak" with an actual voice. Did he even have vocal cords?

Apparently, he did, for he cleared his throat and began speaking without telepathy. "No, I... never mind." MewTwo turned back to Ash, keeping his head turned away from Delia. "I was hoping I could speak with your son. Alone."

Delia nodded amicably, settling into a chair. "Oh, that's perfectly fine, don't mind me!" Gary started snickering. "Gary, where have you been all evening? Your grandfather has been worried sick!" The boy had a moment to look chagrined before the man himself walked through the door.

"Oh, there you are," he said with relief. "Kids! I found him, he's all right!"

"All right?" Gary muttered, apparently not aware that he'd spent the week acting like a Cubone when it first finds it's skull. "I'm perfectly fine." Sure he was, perfectly fine... The two nurses from before arrived, pushing past the professor and taking the blood pressure of the boy on the other side of the room.

"Well, if you disappear like that, what are we suppose to think?" May replied smartly, entering the room with Brock and Cilan on her heels. I expected Iris to follow, but she ended up swinging in through the open window.

"I don't think we're going to be having any privacy," I muttered to MewTwo, who was in the middle of nodding his agreement when May noticed the new arrival.

"Oh, no, it's back! The Mirage Pokemon!" All eyes were on her, even from the two nurses and that other boy, who must have woken up in all the commotion. "Right there, in the cape!"

"MewTwo!" Professor Oak seemed torn between apprehension and pure, scientific joy. "I can't believe it!" Brock tried to reassure May as best he could.

"Calm down, it's not a mirage, this one's a friend of ours..."

"A real one?"

"How did you meet a living MewTwo?"

"Yeah," Gary called, plunking himself down into a chair and deciding to just sit back and enjoy the show. "You'll have to tell me that story sometime."

"Well, I would, if I actually had a clue," Brock muttered to himself, while Delia took it upon herself to shake hands with the mysterious pokemon and introduce herself properly. Iris followed, circling MewTwo as if she intended to hug him in the invasive way she greeted all new pokemon, and was held back by Cilan.

"This meeting has a very unusual flavor," he commented, both bewildered and amused.

I lifted a hand up and waved at MewTwo, figuring Ash was distracted enough to not notice me. "Hey," I whispered forcefully, "I don't think we're gonna get rid of them, so why don't you do what we came here for before the Prof starts interviewing you for his radio show." Indeed, it looked like the old man was about to do just that.

"Right," MewTwo nodded, ignoring the clamorous voices and stretching his arm out toward Ash, with a blue light growing at the base of his palm. "Now-"

Whatever he was going to say, it was interrupted when Ash threw up his own hands in a defensive gesture. A glowing ball of blue aura shot from his palms and knocked MewTwo back a few steps, stunning him and all the room into shocked silence.

For a moment, anyway.

"You have got to be kidding me." That was Gary, and I heard Iris whispering something about dragons to Cilan. In the meantime, MewTwo straightened up and tried to find a voice for his thoughts.

"Impossible!" Blatant surprise was another look that MewTwo didn't wear particularly well. "Has he always been able to do this?"

"No," was Gary's flat reply, and all but Brock turned to me.

I sighed. "I have no idea. One day he's normal, and the next thing I know, he's making blue light come out of his palms and speaking telepathically with the local Rilou. I don't know how it happened." It wasn't entirely true; I didn't know how, but I had a rough outline of when and why, though Ash rarely talked about the issue and had never explained the whole thing. Normally, gaining superpowers was the sort of thing I would have demanded an explanation for, but since Brock, Max, May, Kid, Team Rocket, Lucario and himself had all died that day, I was willing to be understanding if he didn't feel like talking. Even now, Ash tended to clam up if we spent too long talking about anything related to Cameron Palace.

"Ash has Aura powers," Gary laughed to himself. "Of course he does, why am I surprised?" Brock shrugged.

"Why does anything about Ash surprise us anymore?"

MewTwo got over his initial shock, and Ash, seeing that no one was attacking him, lowered his defenses, though he kept looking in my general direction with suspicion. I clenched my mouth shut, but waved my arms up at MewTwo to signal that he should get on with it. Once again, MewTwo dramatically reached out towards Ash, and this time, thankfully, Ash didn't react aggressively. Under the blue glow of psychic abilities, his shoulders slumped forward, and his eyes became vacant and lifeless.

"Okay, what did you do to him?" Gary demanded, and I had to admit, he looked terrible.

"Is this some sort of new treatment?" Even Delia sounded suspicious.

"He is in a hypnotic state," MewTwo replied, never breaking eye contact. "It will be easier to look at his memories this way."

"And you'll be able to fix them?" The answer was far more hesitant than I was willing to accept.

"We shall see."

I peeked up over the top of my wastepaper basket to watch the process, though it was mostly MewTwo staring at Ash and Ash staring at nothing. Even so, I was riveted by the sight. Every second brought us closer to victory. Everything would be exactly the way it used to be. Everyone's eyes were focused on the two beings caught in the psychic bond, even the two nurses and their patient, just waiting to see what would happen. Ash would get healthy again, and smile when he saw me, and we'd go traveling just as we always had.

I could already picture it in my head. Ash would shake his head and blink a few times, adjusting to the new situation, and then...

Then he'd call my name.

I'd run to him, and with tears of joy, he'd scoop me up in his arms. "I'm sorry you had to go through that, buddy," he'd whisper, and we'd rub cheeks and I'd know that he didn't mean it. "I didn't mean to forget you. I love you so much! And we'll always be together..."

And I'd be able to tell him... I'd tell him all the things I should have said long ago. "I love you, I need you, I'm nothing without you." And, of course, "I'm sorry."

But most of all, "I'm glad you're back."

Finally, MewTwo broke the trance, but he looked neither pleased nor triumphant. In fact, I don't think I'd ever seen him look so devastated. "There is nothing..." he began, but whatever he was going to say trailed off in his thoughts. He removed himself to a far corner of the room, seeming restless, and the rest of the party murmured among themselves.

Gary looked crushed. "You mean, you can't do anything for him?"

"I'm afraid I cannot. Don't you think I would do so if I were able?" Rudeness, MewTwo's default personality, had returned to his tone. I was not willing to accept that as an answer.

"Well, you can try harder!" Ash whipped his head around, looking straight at my wastepaper basket with that look that I hated so much. "You're not trying hard enough!" Brock saw the fight brewing and walked towards us.

"Now, Pikachu-"

"Excuse me?" MewTwo's eyes narrowed, forcing Brock to back off. In fact, the entire room had returned to silence. I should have been scared into submission by that, but my foul mood was greater than MewTwo's at the moment.

"You can do better than this! You wiped our memories once, so the least you could do is give some memories back for a change!"

MewTwo took a step toward me that might have been threatening if I wasn't so worked up. "He has no way of receiving it. Even if I had the capabilities to do what you ask, it would be like pouring water into a cup with no base."

"So, fix it!" I shrieked, and Ash was inching away from the bedside table that housed me. "You're a psychic aren't you? You're all about the mind, so bring him back to me!"

Somehow, with that, MewTwo seemed to lose his threatening demeanor. "He is not gone."

"Oh, please," I muttered, then pushed over the wastepaper basket, tumbling out and allowing Ash to see me properly. As expected, he immediately bit back a scream and would have scrambled out of bed if Gary hadn't held him down. "I've already lost him once, I know what it feels like!" MewTwo looked startled, as anyone should have been by such information, and I relished that. "I've watched him in pain, I've watched him fall, I've had to stand by and watch while he slowly froze to death, do you know what that's like?" MewTwo's eyes were impassive once again. "I can't just stand here while you give up, not when I have a chance to get him back!"

"As I said, he is not gone."

"I've watched him die!" I spat back. Ash might be here in body, but he was certainly not here in spirit, and that was the part I cared about. "I saw his eyes, I felt him slipping through my fingers, I had to listen to him..." I'll miss you buddy, I love yo- "All because of some damned misunderstanding with a tree!" For some reason, MewTwo seemed both scandalized and slightly relieved by my speech. "This feels exactly the same!"

But MewTwo disagreed. "Life and Death are by no means the same."

"He might as well be dead, for all I matter to him!"

"Pikachu," Gary called over in that simultaneously rude and pleading tone that only he could pull off. "Calm down, okay? You're freaking him out." Ash was having a small panic attack, and I felt ashamed, but also justified.

"You see?" I said in a calmer tone, the anger boiling underneath the surface. "How can you watch this and give up so easily?"

"Reality is what it is," MewTwo said easily, far too easily for my tastes. "He is injured, and where there was once health and memory, there is only void. I am no Arceus, creating something out of nothing." I wanted to protest, but could not find the words for it, and Professor Oak courageously backed MewTwo up.

"I'm afraid he's right Pikacu," he said as if he was giving one of his lectures. "It was a good thing to try, I'm afraid there's no such thing as a quick fix to a situation like this." I grit my teeth, knowing it to be true, but not wanting to let go of my fantasy. After allowing myself to hope for so much, it felt like a surrender to back down, even to go back to the joy and accomplishment of this afternoon. Ash was so much more, and even if he was able to recover somewhat, he'd never be what he once was.

He'd never be what he was to me.

How many more letdowns would there be?

MewTwo seemed to take compassion on me. "I cannot create things from nothing. But, this human... he is a being who finds voids and fills them. He brings light into darkness and joy from despair. He died for you, and then he lived for you." MewTwo walked cautiously back over to Ash's bed. "I suggest you put your faith in him."

I looked towards the bed and nodded, but my heart wasn't entirely in it. My faith in Ash was once unshakable, but that was before he'd broken his promise to me. Unwillingly as it had been, my trust had been broken, and it hurt to acknowledge it.

"He promised that we'd be friends forever..."

"And ya still are!" The strange boy in the other bed leaped to his stubby feet, tears cascading from his eyes like water guns. "Just 'causa dis, you can't give up on 'im!" In perfect sync, his nurses rose to their feet, covering their own misty eyes.

"I agree! That's the way the twerp- I mean, friendship, works!"

"Even the best of friends will fight sometimes!"

"Uh, who are you?" May asked, and we all looked at the three strangers suspiciously.

Brock tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I don't remember seeing you around earlier, and I know the faces of all the pretty girls here..." The nurses shared frantic looks with each other.

"Well, uh, we're new!" they stammered. "Private health care, hired by the family!"

"Just here to do our job!" the red-headed nurse trilled, and we sighed a little. "Sorry to butt into the private moment."

"Oh, don't worry," Professor Oak sighed with a wave of his hand. "You didn't cause any trouble-"

"Trouble?" The two looked like they ice cubes had been poured down their backs. "That word!"

"Keep it togethaa," the boy threatened under his breath, but our suspicions were raised again.

"Don't these guys look familiar?" Iris began, and that was enough to start the train wreck.

"'Don't these guys look familiar?' you say!"

"We're familiar and providing you Medicaid!" I snarled, Brock and May rolled their eyes, Cilan and Iris braced themselves, Gary looked amused, Ash looked bored while Oak and Delia just looked shocked. I have no idea what MewTwo thought of this.

"Prepare for trouble!"

James conjured up a rose from behind an iv bag. "Yes, and make it double!" Nurse outfits flew into the air, revealing the black and white costumes of the team we both loathed and mocked. The bed-ridden boy proved to be Meowth, doffing his bandages in an impressive flurry.

"To protect the world from harsh diseases!"

"To unite all doctors in treating sneezes!"

"To find out what makes you ache and moan!"

"To extend the coverage of your HMO!"

"Excuse me, but are they well?" MewTwo asked aloud. No one answered him.

"Jessie!" We probably should have stopped the motto, but it was one of those things that was just as tedious to interrupt as it was to sit through, so we let them continue, even as they started building a giant 'R' out of the bedsheets. "James!"

"Team Rocket! Checking vitals at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now, or prepare to fight...for your life!"

"Meowth, that's right!" They struck their dramatic poses and held them for a few seconds while the impact sank in. Finally, Delia started clapping.

"Arrr," Ash nodded with a wry smirk, and I had a horrified thought that he might actually remember Team Rocket in a more favorable light than myself, but it turned out that he just recognized the letter 'R'.

MewTwo looked both puzzled and exasperated. "Are you quite done?"

I answered for them. "They were just leaving." The look in my eyes demanded obedience and they slunk out of the room, but not before running up and grasping Ash's hands.

"We're glad your feeling better, twerp!"

"And we're sorry!"

"Yes, horribly!

"Anything you need, ever, just name it!"

"And we won't try to steal Pikachu until you're better!"

"We won't even help with the Unova missions!"

"Get better soon!" I ushered them out of the room as quickly as I could without setting off a Thunderbolt and getting myself in trouble. Once they were gone, the conversation had a bit of a lull.

"That was certainly interesting..." Delia mused to herself, and the rest of us just looked at each other awkwardly until MewTwo broke in.

"May I have a word with the human?" he asked in a voice that wasn't anything like asking at all. "In private?" he specified when nobody made a move to leave the room.

"Sure, we just want to know what you're gonna say," May replied innocently, and if MewTwo had such a gesture in his repertoire, he'd have facepalmed. Finally, he gave up and seated himself across from Ash, facing that familiar yet slightly empty face.

"I, too, have lost the memories of those important to me," MewTwo began. "I cannot even be sure of what I have lost, just that something is missing, something I once was." Needless to say, this was a revelation for everybody. "The memories of people so dear to me are lost forever, and I am only aware of the fact that they are gone." Ash nodded, eyes full of understanding, sympathy and buried pain.

"I've spent the rest of my life trying to find meaning and purpose, hoping to discover who I am and my place in the world. Along the way, I've taken revenge on those who did this to me, forced my pain and anger onto others, and hid from the rest of the world. None of that made any difference. I am still me, whoever that is, and my memories are still gone." From my new vantage point, the usual table beside the door, I could see that Ash had a glimmer in his eyes, a few tears forming and threatening to fall.

"But I have learned one thing of comfort," MewTwo continued, telepathic voice even. "Miracles happen just as often as disasters, and they do not decrease in value just because no one remembers that they happened. Your memories may be gone, but they are not lost." The psychic pokemon looked to the crowd of people and pointed to Gary. "He remembers. And they remember." He widened his gestures to include the shadow under the table where I was hiding. "And I remember. I will remember you always." Ash was touched, but MewTwo was not yet finished. "Even if we all forget, the sky and earth still remember you, and all the places you walked. The earth lives because of you, and that is enough. Your forgotten past is only a small part of you; it is what you do with the gift of life that makes you who you are."

If Ash had a hat right now, he'd have surely pulled it down over his eyes. Instead, he rubbed at his face, vainly attempting to hide sniffles and tears.

"...g-gott... it-t..."

For my part, I wasn't exactly holding it together, either. But when MewTwo spoke to me just before teleporting far away from our crazy lives, I tried to act tougher. "I don't want him to let this go, I want him to come back."

MewTwo maintained an impassive face and tone. "As I said, he is not gone." He looked over my trainer, who was pretending he wasn't still wiping at his eyes. "You need to have more faith in him."

Faith. I wanted to, but... "He's not going to recover completely." It hurt to finally say that definitively. "We all know it, and it's pointless to pretend otherwise." I couldn't believe the words were coming out of my mouth, but it was true. No matter how many breakthroughs we made in Ash's therapy, he'd never be the Ash I remembered, or the Ash he remembered, and he'd never even know what we were all missing.

"If he does not recover completely, does that make him less valuable to you?" MewTwo posed, and I was startled. "If he did not recover at all?"

"No, of course not!" I cried, wincing when Ash heard my voice and whipped his head around. Never less valuable, it's just that this made my life hard, painful and possibly meaningless. MewTwo tossed his head haughtily.

"I know what you must think of me, but I have lived my life the best way I know how, despite having everything taken from me. I imagine," he looked over at Ash, "A heart like his will do infinitely better. If his old life is taken from him, he will create a new one for himself, one that you can both be proud of."

"I liked his old life," I found myself muttering. I was in that old life. But MewTwo had no care for my self-pity.

"You are entirely too greedy. It reminds me of myself." And with that disturbing comparison, he teleported away.

I did not want to be compared to MewTwo, though I was forced to admit that I wasn't even sure why that was. I was friends with a person I couldn't remember the most important things about, and though that made MewTwo hard to deal with sometimes, we were still friends. I still cared about him, and he risked his life for me, when I had no idea who he was. It shouldn't have been so hard to do the same for Ash.

Ash had done the same for MewTwo, without knowing the pokemon at all. It didn't matter to Ash if he knew us, or if we knew him, or even liked him.

And yet... I wasn't sure that I was ready to let our past stay in the past.

My thoughts on MewTwo's words, I finally curled up and went to sleep, alone. In my dreams that night, I poured so much lightning into the sky that the resulting storm nearly wiped out the planet, and it was only after Ash had run into the center of it that I realized I needed to be saved much more than he ever did.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: ここだけの話, 不安ひとつふたつみっつ... (Keep this between us; I have one or two or three worries...)

* * *

><p>"And then Team Rocket showed up?" Misty was incredulous. "I'm surprised MewTwo didn't obliterate them on the spot! You remember what those guys did to him and his friends!"<p>

"Yeah, but Jessie and James were on our side that time," Brock pointed out, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "And I don't know about MewTwo, but I have a hard time associating those three with the real Team Rocket organization, they're a bit too... independent." A kind word choice; I would have gone with 'incompetent'.

Misty laughed prettily. "True, true. Although, some of the news I've been hearing from Unova is worrying me a little..." I left Brock and Misty to their phone call, not really wanting to go over the events of last night, though everyone around me was of the opposite opinion. May was seated at another phone booth, calling her brother and gloating about how she saw the legendary pokemon, "the real one, not a mirage," and Iris and Cilan were trying to describe it all to a skeptical Dawn and Bianca. The former was a little more inclined to believe it, having first hand experience with Ash's apparent homing device for all rare pokemon and bizarre occurrences, but still thought they were making half of it up. So did Ash, when Gary tried to talk about it with him that morning, though some of the tale did seem to resonate with him.

For me, I didn't know how they could be so happy, or talk so cavalierly about it. They hadn't put as much emotional investment into MewTwo's visit as I had, not even Gary, but even so, it was a hope that had been thoroughly shattered, and now that I had said it, I couldn't stop thinking about how Ash would never be normal again. As long as I never voiced that thought, I could delude myself, but having acknowledged it, there was no going back.

It had been such a whirlwind of emotions, this whole ordeal, ups and downs interchanging quickly and suddenly, and I was ready to stop. I was slipping into some sort of lethargic state, lacking the energy to care about Ash's successes and breakthroughs, and knowing that to care a little would pull me back into the cyclone of overloaded feelings again.

I couldn't go through this with him.

Hadn't I said I would brave anything to be by his side? Hadn't I said that we would always be together, no matter what? That I would love him, no matter what happened? I still loved him, and I still wanted to be with him, but I was not physically or emotionally capable of standing by his side through this ordeal. I couldn't stand up to this trial.

Could Ash do it, if our positions were reversed? I honestly didn't know, but I did know that he'd been put in these situations before. I'd lost my memory and my mind more times than I cared to count, and somehow, he'd found the inner strength to stay by me and pull me back. But the durations were shorter, and that was the killer. Could Ash sustain his unwavering devotion for week upon endless week, month after month, year after year with no end in sight?

I didn't know, but his track record suggested that he would have held up better than I was doing. If nothing else, Charizard, Gary and I had trained him to handle betrayal extremely well.

Ash was off in another section of the hospital, doing some physical therapy exercises. He was standing now, and with a lot of assistance, able to walk short distances. There was some worry that once he found his feet, Ash would immediately attempt to start running around like he always had, but we were all relieved and dismayed to find that wasn't the case. Though Ash pushed himself hard enough during therapy sessions, he didn't seem to have any desire to rush himself for anything else. His energy was a fraction of what it once was, and he no longer cared to run off at breakneck speed towards things of interest, literally or figuratively. I hoped it was temporary, but this accident seemed to have taken yet another piece of my friend away.

Ironic, as I'd been the one always telling him to relax, calm down, take things slowly. Now that he was content to do so, it felt so wrong, and I hoped that his inclination towards action would return as he grew more capable of acting on it.

My trainer being absent, I walked into his room and hopped up on his bed. It still carried his scent. On his bedside table were drawings and doodles, shaky sketches that attempted to reveal Ash's inner thoughts. I felt embarrassed for my trainer to look at them; he was no Poke-casso, but he could draw a Dewgong and have it look like a Dewgong. Now, his hands weren't steady enough to show his real talent.

Even so, it wasn't hard to interpret the subjects of his drawings. Iris was a mess of hair, Brock was the one with no eyes, Gary's head was a mess of spikes and, to the boy's chagrin, always sticking his tongue out. The Pokemon, whenever their physical forms were illegible, were always recognizable by their types, and Ash often found it easier to draw vines or flames than Snivy and Tepig.

He never drew me.

I heard the sounds of Ash and his mother returning to the room, Dawn bouncing happily on their heels, and I reluctantly jumped off the side of the bed to hide behind the potted plant. "You're doing really well today, Ash!"

"Nnnn..." He really was, able to walk from his wheelchair to the bed on his own, but it was getting harder to view simply walking as an accomplishment.

"You're going to be able to go home soon, isn't that fantastic!"

"Nnnn..." Ash looked exhausted, and almost collapsed back into the bed. He looked a bit cross when Delia and Dawn adjusted it into a sitting position, but didn't do much more than mumble about it. "Nnnn..."

"You're supposed to be using your words, Ash."

"...Ok..." He might have said "okay", but his tone said otherwise. I had a bad feeling about this day.

"Professor Juniper said she would come by after lunch today," Delia said gently, rubbing Ash's shoulder. "Would you like to see her?"

"Ok," Ash sighed, glumly reaching for his pen and papers. I couldn't see what he was scribbling down, but I could see that he was getting frustrated with the results, even after only a few seconds. His right arm had started shaking, and he eventually set his pen down with enough force to suggest that he wanted to throw it.

"Are you hurting, Ash? Do you want us to call the-"

"Ok!" Ash snapped back, more than a little irritated, and both of the women backed off.

"All right, Ash," they said, trying not to be hurt. It wasn't an easy thing to hide, day after day. "We'll just let you rest for now." Ash mumbled something non-committal and leaned his head back. After Dawn and Delia had left, I dared to peek around the potted plant and look at his face.

After seeing his, I hid mine. I didn't often see Ash cry, and it made me uncomfortable, particularly since I couldn't comfort him.

While we sat in our own private hells, a small rapping was heard on the door. Ash's eyes snapped open and he hastily wiped away his tears as the petite doctor stepped into the room. A shrink, because Ash needed yet another therapist to fix everything I'd done to him. "Good morning, Ash."

"Goodmorn'g..." Ash parroted automatically, having spent hours drilling that response with his speech therapist. He finished rubbing at his face as the doctor sat down.

"And how are you feeling, today?"

"Ok." I was starting to hate that word.

The doctor just smiled kindly. "How are you really feeling?" Ash started in surprise, but it didn't take a shrink to see that he was far from "Ok." He looked at his hands for a few moments, trying to come up with the proper words.

"...hard..." he finally said. "...hard..." The doctor nodded and jotted something down on her notepad.

"It's all right to feel that way," she informed him, and Ash lifted his head again. "I imagine you have a lot of hard days." Ash nodded, and she gave him an encouraging smile. "Don't feel that you have to hide what you're really feeling."

"...n-not..." Ash was struggling to say something, but there was nothing to do but wait patiently until the words came to him, assuming they ever did. "...mom... no..." He shut his mouth and wouldn't say anymore, but the doctor was insightful enough to take a guess at his meaning.

"Do you try and hide things from your mom?" Ash nodded, looking a little embarrassed. Well, that was nothing new. If Delia knew half of the things we got up to on this journey, she'd never let him leave home again. Though after something like this, it almost didn't matter; whether or not we told her about the time we all were nearly wiped out of existence, it would take some effort to convince her to let Ash back on the road after this.

Assuming that was even a possibility. "Are you worried she might be angry?" Ash shook his head quickly, "Or that she'd be sad?" He thought about that one for a few seconds, before nodding slowly. "You don't want your mom to worry about you?"

"...cry..." Ash cried, Delia cried, everybody cried these days. I didn't know what he was referring to, but it didn't seem to matter.

"I'm sure your mother wants to know when you're not feeling 'okay'," the doctor said in a kind voice, and Ash smiled a little.

"...job..."

"Right, that's a mother's job." With Ash in a much better mood than he was prior, the doctor got down to business. "Ash, do you remember what I asked you to do on my last visit?" He'd forgotten, unsurprisingly. "That's fine. I wanted you to think about Pikachu."

I saw Ash freeze, and I did the same, not moving a muscle. It was a touchy subject, but I found myself curious, all the same. I probably shouldn't have been spying on my trainer's private therapy sessions, but if Ash said anything about what he thought of me, I wanted to know about it.

The doctor pushed some photos across the bed towards Ash. "There are a few different Pikachu, here," she explained. Ash refused to touch any of the photos. "Which one is your Pikachu?"

Ash just frowned, then shook his head. "... nnn...no..." Of course, he didn't really remember much about being a pokemon trainer. The doctor tried again. "Do you recognize any of these Pikachu?"

That, he could do. Ash pointed to he one on the far left, presumably, me. The doctor took that picture away, and I saw a lot of tension leave Ash's shoulders. "How do you feel about these other Pikachu?" Ash just shrugged. "Do they bother you?" He stuttered for a minute, but finally replied, "no". "Are you scared of them?" Ash hesitated, but after a long pause, he said "no" again. The doctor took those two pictures back and replaced them with mine. The problem was with me, and me alone.

"Do you remember anything about Pikachu?" Ash looked somewhat pained, but drew zigzags in the air and mimed explosions. "Attacks?" A nod. "Pokemon Battles?" Ash paused for a minute, then shook his head, but he cupped his hands as if holding a sphere. "A pokeball?" More nodding, then a shake of the head. "Not a pokeball?"

"...uh...m-more... rruu...um... yeah..." Ash was growing exasperated, unable to communicate whatever memory he had conjured up, and began making that strained cry again.

"It's okay, Ash, don't worry about it," the doctor said soothingly, waiting until Ash calmed down. "Tell me something else. Is this pokemon your friend?"

The question I had wanted to ask most of all. Surely, whatever else he had forgotten, if he could remember me at all, he must remember some of our friendship. But Ash just looked back at the doctor with such a lost face, so empty and innocent that I felt my heart breaking. Silent tears began to run down his face, and I wasn't far behind. A little prodding confirmed my worst fear: "...d-dunno..."

"How do _you_ feel, Ash?" The doctor steered the conversation along, "Do you like Pikachu?" Ash was still and silent, refusing to answer. The doctor jotted something down before going through some more questions, none of which Ash was able to come up with an answer for. "Is Pikachu funny? Is it kind? Do you remember where you met?" He couldn't even answer whether or not I was his Pokemon, how long he had known me, or anything we had done together. The only positive reaction Ash gave was when he was asked "Is Pikachu powerful?" to which Ash emphatically nodded his head.

"...y-yes..."

"Does Pikachu scare you, Ash?" We moved on to the part I was most concerned about. Yes, I scared him, no hesitation in that answer. "What part of him is scary?" Apparently, there were several things, but the only thing I could interpret was "...s-sho-ck...s-s-s...s-storm..." "Are you scared of thunderstorms?" Surprisingly, Ash's response was 'no', but he continued to insist that electricity frightened him, so we were forced to accept that oxymoron.

"If I told you that Pikachu loves you very much, would that make it any less scary?" _No._ "If Pikachu couldn't use electricity, would that make it less scary?" Oh, if that was all it would take, they could amputate my electric sacks with a rusty spoon, but the answer was still 'no'. In fact, Ash began making biting and scratching gestures, then went into trying to describe something far too elaborate to communicate with his current abilities.

I tried not to be hurt or offended, because it wasn't Ash's fault that he'd been hit on the head and electrocuted out of his mind, but it was hard not to give into anger. After all the promises we'd made, all the things we'd gone through together, this was all that was left?

"Ash, why do you think Pikachu scares you?" Hadn't we already established that? I could power a small building with my electricity, and I had a bad habit of turning it on my trainer. Who wouldn't be frightened by that? But Ash took the question seriously, humming and stammering for several minutes before grabbing a pen and paper.

He scratched out a single dot in the center of a blank page. "...me..." he said in explanation, looking at the doctor earnestly. "...hurt... hurt..." He growled a little, shutting his eyes as if by clenching his teeth and concentrating he could just force the right words out. "...h-h... huuuhh... hurrr-hurtpaindarkstopsavemenothing...nothing..." He opened his eyes again and pointed to his paper again. "...me... nothing..." I couldn't understand what he meant, but the doctor just wrote more notes down and adjusted her glasses.

"Is this how Pikachu makes you feel?" Ash struggled with that.

"...r'member..." he mumbled, jabbing his drawing. "...'mber..."

"A memory? Of Pikachu?"

With an earnest nod, Ash picked up steam again. "...hurtpaindarkstopsavemenothing..." he repeated, repetitiously poking at the dot in the center. "...handsoftpulllostnothing... runpinkblue fightstop blastpainscared nothing!" On the positive side, Ash was offering more spontaneous words in the past half hour than he had the entire week, but the downside was that I had no idea what he was talking about. "...saveyoumissyouloveyougoodbye nothing!"

He was getting far too worked up, and the doctor put a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. "It's okay Ash, we can talk about something else for a minute," but Ash jerked away, putting his hands over his ears and screwing his eyes shut.

"H-h-h...Ha-ha-happ'bir'd'yt'you,'ppyb'dyt'you," he took off, speeding through that song that he'd been forced to sing ad nauseum as part of his therapy. "'ppyBir'day d'rGaryHappy Birthday toyouyou, toyou, doyouspearowdoyouknow whoIamI'mAsh fromthetownof PalletI'mgonnacapture and defeat you all brightballnoshocklisten loveyou comeandgetme, _Nothing_!" With that, Ash was finished, and after a few deep breaths, he looked up at the doctors face, searching for comprehension.

He didn't find any, but he seemed pleased with himself, nonetheless. As for myself, I was floored, but it wasn't by the sheer volume of words Ash had managed to spew out in under five minutes.

It was because I had every word of that speech memorized.

"Nothing," Ash continued saying, staring at the single dot on his piece of paper, "Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing..."

"Is this what you remember when you think of Pikachu?" Ash nodded, not taking his eyes off his paper. He reached out and touched the little dot in the center while the doctor wrote some more things down. "Ash, how do you feel about discussing this with Pikachu?"

"No!" I was a little surprised that she'd waste her breath asking.

"Wouldn't you like to not be scared anymore?" Ash didn't say anything, but I could see him thinking about it. "You've been drawing, haven't you? Maybe you could draw some pictures of Pikachu?"

"No,no!" Ash was quick to protest, but the doctor insisted on it.

"It might help you remember what happened," she reasoned, which was enough of an enticement to get Ash to consider the idea. "Maybe you'll discover some good memories, too?"

"No," Ash muttered, but promised to give it a try over the next few days. He flopped back against the bed as the doctor went to speak with Ash's mother, who had been standing just outside the open door. I waited until both of them were gone before sneaking out of the room, not wanting to run into Delia after that conversation. I knew she was always present for Ash's therapy sessions, and if she'd heard that, I was worried she'd want to talk to me about it.

I managed to get to the waiting room unseen, where May discovered me moping in a corner. She picked me up in her soft, tiny, little arms.

"Don't be sad, Pikachu," she said with as much cheeriness as she could pump into her voice. It may have even been genuine; May has a kind of naivety that even Ash can't match sometimes. "You had amnesia once too, remember?" It's all very fuzzy, but yes, I did remember joining Team Rocket and trying to shock Ash into oblivion. "You forgot everything about Ash, but it all turned out okay."

Except, the two instances were nothing alike. I had a bump on the head, got disoriented for a few hours, and had a migraine the rest of the day. Ash had _real _amnesia, and there wasn't some magic switch that was going to send everything rushing back. Things were never going to be the way they were.

* * *

><p>Over the next few days, Ash kept to his promise of trying to draw pictures of me, though I suspect that his mother had to remind him of that promise. Most of his efforts were abandoned and discarded before they could take proper form, but he finally finished a legible drawing he could discuss with the doctor. I never got to see what it was, since he kept it under his pillow most of the time.<p>

After such an explosion of vocabulary, we had hoped that Ash would start speaking in complete sentences, but he instantly reverted back to single words. His speech therapist was optimistic, however, and took the episode as a good sign. Even his physical energy seemed to have returned, and Ash was getting up and walking a few steps of his own accord, without having to be told to by a physician.

But, as with all good things, they invariably come to an end. Something had been stewing for a while now, and it was only a matter of time before it boiled over.

"Stupid," Ash said for the hundredth time that day, repeating it like a mantra. "Stupid, stupid..."

"Ash, you shouldn't say that!" his mother chided. "It's not very nice!" How ironic; one minute we were begging him to talk, and the next, we were telling him to stop. "Tell us what the problem is!"

Ash crossed his arms and turned his head away. "Stupid," he growled, swatting Delia's hand away when she tried to touch him.

"All right, Ash," she sighed, crossing her own arms. What a pair they made. "Just what do you think is so stupid?"

Her son just rolled his eyes and carried on as before. "Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid."

Delia had enough. "I don't like that word, Ash. Choose a better one." And with that, everything broke.

Fire in his eyes, Ash turned back to glare at his mother. "_Handicapped!_"

No one was quite sure how to respond to that, least of all, Delia. "Ash," she said hesitantly, "Please don't think-" Ash purposefully pushed a vase of flowers off his bedside table, and Delia jumped out of her seat when it smashed on the floor. "Ash!"

"Wrong!" he hissed, "Wrong! S-shut up!"

Side-stepping the broken pottery, Delia sat on the bed and gripped Ash's shoulders. "I'm right here, Ash, I'm listening. Calm down and tell me what's wrong." Ash pushed her violently.

"No! Job! Hate, hatehatehatehate, die!" he was screaming, and the nurses and Audino quickly mobilized. "Go! Go, go, go, go, go!" Everyone was ushered out of the room save Delia, Audino and Dr. Proctor, and that psychology doctor was called in.

About ten minutes after her arrival, the door opened, and she walked out to where we were all waiting. Everyone's faces were pale, demeanor shaken. Though Ash had a temper, he'd never been so violent before, and this side of him scared us.

"Pikachu," the doctor said seriously, "Ash would like to talk to you."

My thoughts raced at a hundred miles an hour, and I followed her into the room. What could Ash have to say to me? Did he remember something else? Was he mad? Was he going to tell me to leave? I suddenly realized that Ash had never been mad at me before, ever. Only when possessed by that ancient king had he ever expressed anger towards me, and while that hurt, I'd known all along it wasn't him. I realized that the idea of Ash yelling at me was terrifying, and I almost stopped and turned around.

But Ash wanted to talk to me, and it had been so long...

I slunk in timidly after the doctor, looking up towards Ash. He was on his feet, glowering while Audino cleaned up the broken vase. "Stupid, stupid, broken..."

"Ash." He turned at the sound of his name, and when he saw me, all his anger faded into fear. "Pikachu's here. What did you want to ask him?"

Ash fumbled for words. "Uh, um... not...stupid!" he finally shouted, stomping his feet. He wouldn't make eye contact with me. "Can't, no! Not... not...underwear, underground... no, no, no! Stupid!"

"Ash, you are not stupid!" Delia admonished, but Ash screamed and threw a pillow across the room.

"No! No, not..." he gulped, and Delia caught him before he could kick the bed with his bare feet, "not under...under-s-stand...can't, can't..."

"Yes, you can," the doctor said firmly. "You're _not_ stupid, and Pikachu _will_ understand, if you calm down and try to tell him." Ash made a pathetic whine, but looked back over at me.

I hated that haunted look in his eyes. "Pikapi?"

"What?" The reply was brisk, sharp, challenging. I wasn't sure what to say next.

"Pi...piKachu?"

Ash rubbed his temples. "Ok, not okay, no, no..." he groaned and shut his eyes, mouthing something that I couldn't quite make out. I waited while he struggled, hoping that if I was patient, he would find his voice.

At length, he did. "... ha, ha, haaaa, haaaaowareyouAshI'mfine..." Ash's eyes were still screwed shut, gaze towards the floor. I could see his mind churning, could watch his mind sorting through the practiced, memorized conversations for the words he needed. What I couldn't see was if he was going to find them. "...whhhh... whhh... whoareyouImAshfrompallet townandthis ismybuddy Pikachu. Why? Why?" He opened his eyes, properly making eye contact and looking like he expected an answer. "Why?"

Why, what? What sort of answer was he looking for in his self-introduction? "It's who you are," I finally said, wondering if he even understood me. "Pallet Town is where you're from. And I'm... I'm you're friend."

"Why?" I felt like I was dealing with a freshly-hatched Pichu.

"Because I am." Did I need a reason? "Because I love you..." Not that I showed it all that well.

Ash frowned. "Wrong. No, no..."

I felt stung. Wrong? Didn't he believe me? The doctor spoke up for me. "Why do you say that, Ash?"

"No," Ash groaned, looking me over with wary eyes. _"Why?" _What was he asking for? "Scared, why? Stupid, why? Why, why, why?"

"It can't answer until you ask the question properly," Ash's doctor implored. "Slow down, try again."

"Why?" Ash barked, but the adults weren't willing to accept that.

"Why what?"

"Why...why scared..." Ash took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "Why, why I...no, no, her, it...you..." it was like he was thinking aloud, saying all the words in his head until he heard ones that sounded like the ones he needed. "...is...save... are, was... wrong, no..." he sighed again, then lifted his head, seeming more confident. "Why...you... why are you... scared... scared, why are you scared?"

A sentence. Ash had just spoken in a complete, coherent sentence. It was the biggest breakthrough we'd seen, and yet, it wasn't enough to shake my deepest fears, my growing pessimism.

I also wasn't sure how to answer. "I... I guess I'm scared I'm going to lose you forever." Ash didn't respond, and I didn't know if he'd understood my words or not. "Pikapi?"

"Hurt, why?" He was quickly reminded, "Full sentences," and I would have laughed at his eye roll if the situation wasn't so serious. "Why..." Ash faltered for a moment, clear blanks surfacing in his mind. "...remember... hate... pidgey... ferns..." His frustration was building again, and Delia was quick to intervene.

"Take your time," she soothed, "It's okay." Ash nodded, absently, mind lost in some word labyrinth.

"...thh... thhhhuuuhhh..." I thought I had an idea what he meant.

"Pika-Chuuuu...?" I didn't let loose an electric attack, just let my cheeks spark a little, but it was enough for Ash to get the concept, and I saw that my guess had been right. However, it had been a bad move on my part, because he was now close to hysterics."

"WHY? WHY?" he kept screaming as he backed away from me, clinging to his mother desperately. "WHY, WHY, WHY?"

"I'm sorry," was all I could think of to say, hoping that I wasn't about to get kicked out. "I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong, but I'm sorry!" Ash was still terrified, but his screaming had come down to some miserable humming. "I never meant to hurt you!"

"Wrong." The tone of voice felt accusatory, whether or not it was intended that way. I stared into Ash's eyes, hurt and confused, before I finally admitted to him something I'd already admitted to myself a long time ago.

"Yeah," I whispered. "Wrong." Even so, "I love you." Had I ever told him that, or had I always assumed that he knew? "And I'm sorry, for all the times I might have hurt you. Can you forgive me?"

Ash's stare was hard and cold. "...hu...hurrrr... Hurtpaindarkstopsavemenothing, _why?_" he demanded. I didn't answer right away, and Ash snapped. "Stupid! Hurtpaindarkstopsavemenothing, why? Why are, why are you..." he trailed off, out of words, through with words. It was written on Ash's face that he had reached his limit, and nothing else was getting through tonight. "Stupid, why?" He shut his mouth and waited for my answer, as if I could have possibly said anything worthwhile.

Even if I knew what he was asking, I didn't think I had the answers he was looking for. "I don't want..." _I don't want to hurt you, I don't want you to hate me, I don't want you to leave me... _ "I don't want you to be scared anymore. So, whatever you want me to do, I'll do it. Whatever... whatever you need, I'll do it."

"You," Ash sighed, sinking to the floor. He looked exhausted. "You, you, you... wrong." Delia knelt down on the floor beside her son, and Ash leaned into her, shutting his eyes to me. "Go. Go, go."

"But..." I took a few steps forward and touched his leg, deciding to press my luck. He winced and jerked it away from me.

"Please," he whimpered, "Go... pleasethankyou, go..." And I did go, because we were clearly done for the night.

We were done, period.


	10. Chapter 10

Um, this chapter has some big-ish spoilers...

Honestly, I didn't ever think we'd have this problem, but, there it is. If you haven't seen episode 79 of Best Wishes, you might want to go check that out. And once the English version airs, I'll come back and change "Suwama's" name.

But, last episode in Unova, guys! I don't usually get emotional while writing, but, well, Ash is conscious, walking, getting more verbal...

I'm just so glad he's back.

* * *

><p>Chapter 10: From the earth, the land, the sea and sky, they can never win (but they sure can try!)<p>

* * *

><p>A long time ago, I was presented with a choice. I had the opportunity to return to the wild, back to my own kind, or stay with a human trainer I'd been forced into a relationship with. Not knowing anything about the trainer in question, I would have always chosen to go, without fail.<p>

The trainer, however, made all the difference.

I lay on my back, staring up at the clouds drifting by. I'd been outside contemplating my feelings for days, growing unusually existential as I tried to make sense of them. But for all my thoughts, I wasn't reaching any conclusions.

I had another choice to make.

I'd considered, all those years ago, what it would be like if I could leave Ash. I fantasized about what sort of circumstances would lead to us parting, what I'd do afterwords, and how I'd feel about it. Every day since leaving Pallet Town, the thought would enter my mind. It wasn't that I wanted to leave, necessarily, just that I wondered. As our journey wore on, it became more of a curiosity than anything, but I'd still think about it.

What I didn't know until that night, that instance that I saw Ash running away, was that "Pikachu" were no longer "my own kind". I loved nature, was wild at heart, still considered myself a Pokemon, but somehow, I'd become something else over time. That's what training did to you, it turned you into something new. And that night, I learned that I was more like Ash than I was like the other Pikachu, and the place where I belonged, the place where I could be with my own kind was right by his side.

Several years later, Ash and I were more alike than ever, but now, my place by his side was threatened.

That feeling of partnership in a pokemon battle is something you can't really understand until it happens to you, and part of why I fought Ash for so long. You can try to explain it, but there's so much that can't be told in words, some magical and incomprehensible unity that you have to feel for yourself. Ash and I are friends and equals, but there's a level to our relationship that exists outside of the friendship. I know that Ash gets it, understands what Pokemon training is supposed to be, and the more I grow to understand it, the stronger our friendship gets. Or, got, as our relationship was now moving into the past tense.

If I left Ash, and I forced my self to remember that this was still a hypothetical situation, I had nowhere to go. I couldn't return to the wild, find a group of Pikachu and live out life as I had previously done. My life had changed, I had bigger dreams, higher expectations and I needed people. I needed humans.

I might have special attacks in battle, but to me, Ash has always been stronger. His arms can pick me up off the ground and carry me away from anything, shield me from everything, warm me from the cold and heal my broken heart. Because a true Pokemon Master does more than just capture Pokemon, and Ash has always known that.

I had been given a choice, but Ash never had one. All of us under Ash's care were free, because he, even at ten years old, understood what his role of "Master" was supposed to be. He knew, better than the strong, experienced trainers, just what he was supposed to be mastering. He was our trainer, teacher, coach, and friend, sometimes a parent and occasionally, a psychiatrist. Protector, defender, and avenger, charged with a responsibility to us that went higher than our friendship, much as I often denied it. As our trainer, he could never give us anything less than everything, and our best interests always had to come before his own. I could choose to come back and prove him wrong, but he could never ask me to stay just because he wanted me to.

Or, maybe, Pokemon Mastery had nothing to do with it. Maybe Ash had never broken the mentality that I would want to leave. Maybe he always feared that he wasn't good enough? I'd told him as much, then promptly retracted it, but I wasn't the last one to do so.

Who could deny Butterfree flying across the sea to be with his mate? And yet, it was a huge blow to Ash, just the same, to know that there were things he couldn't do, things he couldn't be. Butterfree loved Ash purely and completely, but without true love, that life just wasn't good enough. Squirtle found a higher calling, and suddenly, training with Ash wasn't enough. Charizard left a nice flaming hole when he left, one that took years to fill up, and we lost Pidgeotto, Lapras, Larvatar, Ambipom and so many others. Ash was so much to us, but he couldn't be everything.

Maybe he'd always feared that if he wasn't perfect, he wouldn't be good enough for me? Because I knew within seconds that I couldn't leave Ash, not for all the peaceful pikachu forests in the world, but he had really never expected to see me again. I don't think he thought I would ever look back.

And now, as I stared at that sky that ran on forever, I had to choose my path. Ash had told me to go, just like before, but for the first time, he had acted completely according to his own interests. He had asked something for himself, after all these years of selflessly standing before spearow, legendaries, nature, me, and personal heartache, and I felt I owed it to him to honor that request.

At the same time... I didn't want to leave.

I no longer had a place with Ash. I didn't have a place among my own kind. I refused to bond with another trainer. Where, then, was I expected to go?

"Pikachu? Pikachu?" My ears twitched when I heard my name, and I turned my head to see Iris and Axew leaping over to me. "The boat leaves this evening. Don't fall asleep and miss it!"

Ash was going back to Pallet Town, checking out of the hospital today. It was a joyous day, for some, but for me, it was a day of judgment. I was out of time to decide: Where did I belong?

Iris sat down next to me, her long hair waving slightly in the breeze. "It's too early to give up the fight, you know," she declared, and I almost groaned. I'd been trying to avoid this conversation, but people kept finding me and shoving their opinions on me. Well-meaning as my friends were, Ash wasn't terrified by the sight of them, he didn't ask any of them to leave, and they weren't as close to him as I was. This was my choice, and I didn't need their uninformed opinions.

As if that ever stopped Iris. "I challenged Excadrill every single day until I got through to him," she continued proudly. "We had some rough patches, but it got smoothed out in time." I narrowed my eyes at her, and her face dropped. "I guess it's not exactly the same thing..." She scratched Axew's head and flopped onto her back, joining my pursuit of answers amongst the clouds.

She sighed aloud. "Actually, I was thinking maybe I should take a break from traveling. Just find a nice spot near some forests or mountains, and train there by myself..."

"Pika?" This didn't sound like Iris, but she didn't seem quite like herself today.

"I think I need a break," she said, in a voice that might have sounded carefree to those who didn't know her. I was skeptical, but I couldn't think of anything to say. "Cilan's going to go to Pallet Town, to help out while Ash recovers, so Axew and I will be on our own. Traveling with a bunch of other people, it's fun, but... " she sighed again, "It's childish, and I need to get serious. If I'm going to be a Dragon Master, I should find a quiet spot without distractions."

She was going to get lonely. But, maybe she already was. Either way, there was still plenty of time for disaster to find us, and we both turned our heads towards the crashing of brush that heralded Bianca's arrival.

"Pikachu!" she shrieked, running wild zigzags across the terrain. "Pikachu, where are you? Stuff is happening!"

I sat up before she could destroy any more foliage. "Pika?" Bianca heard me and about-faced to dash towards me and Iris.

"Ash is missing!" She cried, and with that, she had our full attention.

"What? How long?"

"PiKAchu?"

Bianca took off her hat and began wringing it in her hands. "I dunno, we just turned around one minute and he wasn't there! We haven't seen him for hours!" Didn't he just get out of the hospital? How could he have disappeared so quickly? "Pikachu, do you have any idea where he might have gone?"

"Pi..." I didn't know where to start. I hadn't seen Ash for days, not since he'd asked me to leave, and who was I to claim I knew what went on in his head? Luckily, Iris had some sensible questions.

"Did he say anything before he left?" she tried. "Was he acting weird before disappearing?"

"Well, he was really upset when he woke up this morning..." Not unusual. Some mornings, Ash didn't take the whole "your body won't obey, you can't talk and you've also lost a decade of your life" thing so well. In turn, people sometimes got sick of having to explain it to him every other day. "Maybe he ran off because he was scared?"

"Of course! I'll check the woods and parks!" Iris declared, bounding off with Axew. "Nature is soothing; it's the perfect place to calm down!"

For her, maybe, but I wasn't so sure. If Ash was scared, he'd never just run off on his own. My trainer didn't often seek solitude, and one of his greater fears was of being left alone. Faced with this situation, he'd want to stay close to the people he recognized, like his mother, or Professor Oak.

So, not scared, but maybe upset? Or did he have a goal in mind? I couldn't be sure where or why he went, but I had a pretty good idea of where he'd end up.

"Pi, pikachu!" I called out to Bianca, who blinked stupidly for a second until she realized that I wanted her to follow me. I was a little apprehensive that I only had Bianca to help me if we were to find Ash and an emergency arose, but I didn't think I had time to run off looking for our more responsible friends. The important thing was that we find Ash, I reasoned, and worry about the rest later. We dashed through the city streets, finally coming to rest in the lobby of the Pokemon Center, and I was relieved to see that I was correct. There was my trainer, sitting by the fountain with sheets of paper strewn around him.

Nothing seemed amiss, though his leg was bouncing up and down with a tremor. To an outsider, he simply looked restless, but Bianca and I knew it was an action far beyond his control. I couldn't wait until they got him to the specialist in Viridian, and finally know if the surgery procedure we'd heard about would be of any use. Curable, or manageable, either one was fine, as long as the downward spiral stopped there. Back in Hoenn, they'd predicted Ash had about five to ten years before his symptoms would prevent him from continuing his journey, but this latest catastrophe had cut that number by at least half.

I couldn't blame the accident, though. Amnesia or no amnesia, I was the reason he couldn't always control his own body, and that was something I was going to have to live with.

"Ash!" I stepped behind a potted plant before Bianca called too much attention to me, then winced when her overly enthused greeting managed to knock him backwards into the fountain. He was quickly fished out, but several of his papers were drenched in the process. "Oh! I'm so sorry!"

Ash just grumbled and gathered up the rest of his papers, which appeared to be drawings, or attempts at them. "Who?" He tapped his foot while Bianca stared. "Who?"

"Oh! I'm Bianca!" She smiled brightly despite Ash's less than warm response. "We're friends, I travel with you sometimes. You know, I'm kind of your rival," she winked, but Ash wasn't impressed.

He shuffled through his drawings. "Don't 'member..." he said, and Bianca started.

"Well... well, it doesn't matter!" she replied, far too cheerfully, and sat down beside Ash on the fountain's edge. "Soon you'll be home, and everything will be normal again!" She looked down at her feet, and I saw that her smile wasn't quite reaching her eyes anymore. "It'll only be things you're used to..." Ash frowned, clutching his drawings to his chest.

"Want...no, gone..." His leg jumped around like it was attached to a spring. "Can't see... forget, then disappears, it disappears..."

"I know," Bianca whispered, "Like it was never there..." They sat in silence for a moment, until Ash thrust his drawings at Bianca with urgency.

"R'mind me," he pleaded. "Every... this, every day... can't disappear, not disappear, see..." Bianca gingerly took the papers, some of which were still wet, and picked through them. "See... see every day... doesn't disappear..." His eyes were so wide and pleading that I wanted to grant all his requests.

But this wish, it seems, was Bianca's responsibility. "I have an idea. We," she declared, with a triumphant smile that worried me just a little, "Are going shopping!"

* * *

><p>I was faced with a small dilemma, watching the two marching out of the Pokemon Center. On the one hand, I felt Bianca was in no way capable of handling any emergencies that might arise. Not that I expected one to, but Ash had been gone for hours and might be close to needing medication, on top of the fact that Bianca was an airhead. I'd feel much more at ease if I could chaperone them.<p>

On the other hand, Ash had been gone for hours, and we owed it to the poor boy's mother to let her know Ash was all right. In the end, I pulled Bianca aside and managed to wrangle a rendezvous point out of her, and then ran off to let everyone else know they could call off the search.

When at last I was able to lead Delia and the rest of our company to the park Bianca had promised to meet us, she and Ash were laying on their stomachs, shoulder to shoulder while scribbling in a book. Scattered around them were pens, markers and crayons, as well as tape and plenty of paper. Even a stapler, which was currently being used to attach some of Ash's previous drawings to the pages. There were some sticker sheets as well, several of which had made it onto their faces.

Bianca looked up, a pokeball sticker covering her nose, and nudged Ash, who had a smiley face on his forehead. "Are you five?" Iris exhaled, disgusted and amused by the pair of them, but Ash was not slighted.

"Iris!" he called, and Iris froze, because Ash never remembered her name. She was still as a rock while Ash shakily got to his feet. "I-Iris..." He walked stiffly over to her, and the two locked eyes, both of them a bit nervous. "You...Axew... thank you..." At the sound of his name, Axew climbed out of Iris' hair with glee. Iris tried to shrug casually.

"For what?" she said nonchalantly, but Ash kept smiling.

"Here..." he said gratefully, "Always here... won't forget..." While Iris was busy pretending not to get emotional, Ash turned back towards Bianca, who gave him the book they had been working on.

"Write," Ash said, opening it and thrusting it at Iris, "Here, go, paper, write..." Bianca had to fish up a marker, but when she handed it to Iris, the purple-haired girl was confused.

"Write what?" she asked, looking back and forth between Bianca and Ash's intense eyes. "He can't read, anyway."

"Later," Ash muttered, a bit embarrassed, and Iris looked properly chagrined. Bianca just kept grinning.

"Write whatever you want," she instructed. "Your name, or a message, or anything, as long as it's from you." She called Iris' attention to the book in Ash's hands. "These are Ash's memories. If he can't remember in his head, I thought, maybe he can keep them somewhere else..."

"Every day," Ash nodded, "Read, every day... more, bigger, not disappear, disappear..." I couldn't see what was written on those pages, but Iris was touched and when Ash petitioned her one more time, "help...help r'member..." she snatched the pen from Bianca and began scribbling with a vigor.

"You," she muttered through misty eyes, "You're just... such a..."

"Kid?" Ash finished, sticking an Axew sticker on her chin. "Know..." The real Axew giggled and stole the pen from Iris to make some squiggly loops of his own. When they finished, they were accosted by the rest of the present company, who all wanted to see this book and perhaps make some additions of their own. Ash jumped in with the rest of them, and our crowd of friends began passing the book around, laughing and pointing and occasionally grabbing a marker and writing their own little edits.

"This is so fun!" Dawn shrieked with laughter, relishing in all the memories that Ash and Bianca had assembled, tiny and abridged as they might have been. I climbed a tree to peer over the crowd, though it didn't help me see the contents all that well. But I agreed with Dawn, with all the stickers, colors and doodles, it did look fun and engaging. "There's even some of the pokemon in here!"

"Snivy looks so bored!" The real Snivy looked over with her usual expression of haughty detachment, and smirked a little at the contents of her page.

"'Not-May May'," May frowned when she found her page. "What's up with that?" Gary was peering over her shoulder and immediately doubled over with laughter.

"I have a sister named May," he explained through wheezes, while Ash waved his arms wildly. "Ashy-boy used to have this huge crush on her..."

"Ash? Acknowledging a girl?" But Ash's face had flushed deep red, prompting more shrieks and howls. "I don't believe it!"

"Believe it or not, I'm fixing this," May declared, grabbing a pink marker. "You need better memories of me than 'not Gary Oak's sister'."

"Food," Ash suggested instantly, and everyone but May giggled some more.

But the happiness of the moment could only last for so long. "Hey, Pikachu's not in here!" Brock turned to Ash without thinking. "Why didn't you write anything about Pikachu?"

"Who?" Ash asked in a disinterested tone, and silence reigned.

I almost fell out of my tree. Nothing ever hurt as much as that one word.

I didn't exist in his world. He hadn't seen me for days, and so, I disappeared. If I wasn't constantly in front of his face, he'd forget all about me...

...and not care in the slightest.

But before anyone could destroy the moment and remind the poor boy that he had a best friend who terrified the living daylights out of him, we had a visitor. "Bianca! I've been looking all over for you!"

"Daddy?" We all turned to see Bianca's father running towards us, his face red and his belly shaking with each step. Bianca smiled broadly while he caught his breath. "What are you doing here?"

"I've come to take you home." And just like that, her smile faded.

"Again? Didn't we already talk about this?"

"Things have changed." Air back in his lungs, her father stood up proudly. "You need to come home with me, now." However, Bianca was not willing to cooperate.

"No, I don't understand!" she cried out in distress. "Why are you doing this again?"

"Bianca has gotten a lot stronger," Iris offered, to which Cilan nodded his support.

"Her flavor ripens and matures every day."

"You already agreed to let me keep traveling after you battled Ash, so why-"

"That's exactly the problem!" her father interrupted, looking a bit embarrassed when he made eye contact with Ash. "I heard about what happened," he continued gently, "And so, I'm sure it's not difficult for you all to understand why I want to keep my little girl safe." Bianca folded her arms petulantly. "I was afraid something like might happen. Can you imagine how I'd feel if this had been you?"

"Yes, actually," Bianca shot back with an acid we didn't know she possessed. "Do you think I've been sleeping the past few weeks?"

"I knew you were too young to begin a Pokemon Journey," her father accused, "You don't know anything about the real world. Come home, and try again in a few years." But Bianca just clenched her fists. "I just want to protect you, sweetie."

"You can't protect me from everything, Daddy." Her gaze was fixed on the ground, body as clenched as her hands. "You think this wouldn't have happened if Ash had just stayed in Kanto with his mother, and maybe you're right, but that tornado still happened and Ash wasn't the only person who got hurt that day." She was trembling with emotion, visibly shaking. "No could protect all of them."

"But if you were home with us, I'd worry about you less," her dad countered, but Bianca's sullen face didn't rise.

"I know you worry," she said after a pause, tears forming in her eyes, "But if I stay home, I won't change. It won't matter how many years I wait, I'll always be exactly the same as I am now. A stupid," she hiccuped, clenching her eyes shut to prevent any more tears from falling, "Air-headed, little girl who can't do anything for herself. I'll never be anything else!"

Her father moved forward as if to embrace her. "Bianca, you know I love you just the way you are." But Bianca stepped away, eyes flashing angrily.

"I love all of my Pokemon, but even they have to give something back," she declared. "Even Pokemon can't be completely dependent on their trainers, they have to try..." Bianca wiped her tears away, even though more were gushing out with every second. "I love them, and I'll give them everything in the world, anything they want. It doesn't matter how many times they fail, even if they never win a battle, I don't care, but all of them have to try..."

"Bianca..."

"You say you love me, but you never push me!" she shrieked, balling up her fists again. The dam had broken on her emotions, and the rest of us could do nothing but watch. It might have been polite to leave, but the shock of so much rage in our usually cheerful friend compelled us to stay. "I know I'm dumb and useless, you don't have to tell me that, but why don't you want me to change?" Her father seemed at a loss for words. "You want me to be stupid and dependent for the rest of my life!"

"That's not true! I just want to keep you safe!"

"Even Pokemon have to give something back!" Bianca repeated. "Otherwise, they might as well be plush dolls. It doesn't matter if they win or lose, but they know they have to try to match your expectations!" Her gaze moved back to the floor, most of her rage gone. "But you don't have any expectations. You don't have any faith in me, or any hope. So, how can you say you love me?"

"All parents love their children," her father replied tersely, to which Delia nodded, but Bianca wasn't swayed.

"You love me, but you don't do anything about it. Even beginning trainers know that doesn't do your Pokemon any good."

"You can't compare Pokemon training to this!"

"Can't I?" Bianca cried. "That's what this journey is about, isn't it?" And her father stopped, because she was exactly right. "It's never been about winning all the badges or filling up the Pokedex, it's about people and life..." she trailed off for a moment, "It's about me being a better person, and my Pokemon being better because they met me." I suddenly flashed back to a dark sky over Route 1, and felt a conflicting sense of awe and sympathy for all the ten year-old children thrust out to make their way in the world. If I could go back and re-visit that day with the power of hindsight, I would have done a lot of things differently.

Ash probably felt the same way, but in all honesty, that disaster was the best thing that ever happened to us. "You can still train at home for a few years," her dad tried again. "Grow stronger with your Pokemon, and then we'll see about going farther."

"You don't want me to end up like Ash, right?" Bianca said, looking over at our friend. "But parents can't protect their kids from everything, and if Ash's mom hadn't let him go on his Pokemon Journey, he would have never met me." Bianca bit her lip, frowning to herself. "I didn't get to play with a lot of the other kids, because you kept me so sheltered. And when I turned ten, all the kids my age left on their Pokemon Journeys."

No wonder she was so immature, the girl had no peer group to relate to. "Everybody grew and changed and left, but I stayed the same. When I met all of you, I made friends for the first time. You guys don't think much of me," everyone was quick to give a protest, however hypocritical it might have been, "But you're always cheering for me and expecting me to be better, and I've changed because I've met you. Especially Ash, and he doesn't remember me anymore, but, I want to believe that something changed for him because he met me, too. I want to believe that it mattered."

She sniffled again, a new wave of tears coming. "Right now, I'm not smart, and I'm kind of useless, but there's at least one person out there I might matter to some day. And like Ash, if I never leave home, I'll never meet them, and I'll never have anything worthwhile to pass on when I do." Bianca straightened up, blinking away her tears. "And so I can't go home yet. I'll work hard to meet everyone's expectations, and then I'll come home and show you what I'm really worth."

Her father tried one last plea, "But Bianca..."

"Even if Ash forgets everything about me, it was worth it," Bianca interrupted. "I'm sorry, Mrs Ketchum, but I wouldn't give up meeting Ash for anything, not even if it meant he never got hurt. I guess I'm selfish that way," she said ruefully, "But if the same thing happens to me tomorrow, I still think it would be better than living a hundred years at home all alone." With that, she was done, and wiped her face hurriedly. "I'll see you all back at the harbor," she abruptly said, running off to be alone with her thoughts and tears.

We all watched her go, even her father too stunned to follow. "She forgot her bag," Gary finally pointed out, and we all shrugged.

"She wouldn't be the same without her unique spice," Cilan said kindly, picking up her bag. "I'll give it to her before we board." Iris was still staring in shock.

"Has she always been that deep?"

"That's what we get for making broad assumptions." Cilan frowned suddenly, dropping Bianca's bag in the dirt. "Ash?"

We hadn't noticed with all the family drama, but Ash's restless movements were becoming quite severe, and he had sat down in the dirt to try and hold himself down. "Why didn't you say anything?" his mother chided, which may have been a little unfair. Ash was clearly frightened by his own body's betrayal, but articulating his condition wasn't his forte at the moment, and I was sure he wasn't fully aware of all his condition entailed.

Sometimes, we forgot that he was just a little boy. Delia knelt down beside her son and put her arm around him. "Stand up, Ash, it'll hurt less if you walk around." Ash looked dubious, but Delia insisted. "Come on, I'll help you up." Getting him to his feet was a bit of a hassle, but the voluntary movement did seem to ease the involuntary, somewhat.

"Didn't he take that medicine this morning?" May asked, but Delia shook her head.

"He ran off before breakfast," she sighed. "There's nothing to do but wait until dinner..." Was this life, now?

"You understand, don't you?" Bianca's father petitioned Delia as we began to walk back. "Bianca's so young and innocent, I couldn't handle it if this happened to her." Delia's response was quiet.

"I don't think it matters if we can handle it or not."

We walked slowly back to the harbor, Ash shuffling most of the way, but his gait improved over the course of the walk. His demeanor, however, was still shaken. "Why?" he kept asking.

"You had an accident, Ash," his mother said wearily, "Don't you remember?"

"Yeah, but..." he trailed off and finally let the subject go to move on to another one. "Bi...Bianca... thinks... wrong, she's wrong," he said earnestly, looking around at us. "Not stupid, not her, wrong... mattered...to me..."

"She'd be happy to hear it," Cilan said quietly. "I don't think anyone tells her that."

When we reached the harbor, Bianca had not yet arrived, but there was something else interesting to grab Ash's attention. "What?"

"Is that a Salamance?" Iris gushed, running forward and Ash followed to pet the large creature. Sitting atop the dragon beast was the gray-haired man from a few weeks ago, and-

"Ritchie!" Brock greeted, and our friend waved excitedly.

"Hey, guys!" He hopped off Salamence and ran up to Ash. "I came as soon as I heard! You look... good..." Comparatively speaking, Ash did look good, finally in his own clothes again. He wasn't the same without his long, disheveled hair, but he looked more like the Ash we knew than the foreign being we'd been exposed to the past few weeks. "You got out this morning, right?"

"Yeah," Ash said uncomfortably, shifting restlessly. "Who?"

Ritchie looked like he'd been hit on the head, and I had an unkind feeling of self-righteousness that it wasn't happening only to me. "I, uh... I'm Ritchie, remember?"

"No," Ash apologized, and in Ritchie's favor, he did look sorry about it. Brock stepped forward before any more feelings got hurt.

"Ritchie is an old friend of yours, Ash. You battled him at the Pokemon League." Yeah, because I'm sure Ash loved remembering that battle. Ash looked incredulous, however, and even a little excited, and his smile relaxed Ritchie.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be here earlier," he offered, and Ash shook his head with a grin.

"Yours?" he pointed to Salamance, but before Ritchie could answer, Silver jumped off and landed in front of them.

"The big guy's with me," he said proudly, ruffling Ritchie's hair and causing the boy to cry out indignantly. "Thought I'd give the two half-pints a ride back to Pallet in style."

"Hold on, Silver!" Delia stomped forward, "If you think you're taking my son a couple thousand feet into the air over an ocean, you've got another thing coming!"

"Aw, the boy's been in the hospital for weeks, let him live a little..."

"That's exactly my point!" Delia argued, and Professor Oak sighed.

"This could take a few hours," he said with a rueful grin. "Shall we leave them to it?" We joined Ash and Ritchie, the former still enraptured by Salamance, and started catching up.

And in all that distraction, no one remembered Sparky... "Pikachu!" the familiar voice called, stretching after a long nap and jumping onto Ritchie's shoulder.

"Finally awake, huh?" Ritchie grinned, turning to Ash. "So, where's Pikachu? Sparky's been excited to see him again." When no one answered, he assumed the worst. "Oh, no! He's not-"

"No, Pikachu's fine," Brock reassured. "He's probably hiding in the bushes somewhere..." He looked around a bit, as did Ash, curiously. "There's kind of something weird going on right now..."

"What?" Ash asked, which only made Ritchie more confused.

"What do you mean, 'what'? Your best friend!" He gestured to Sparky, who had hopped off his shoulder to go poking around for me. "Remember? Pikachu?"

The rest of the group tried to shut him up, but the damage had already been done. "Pikachu..." Ash murmured, thinking it over in his mind while he stared at Sparky, and suddenly, it clicked into place. "AH! Where, WHERE?"

"Everything's fine, Ash, just calm down," May soothed, and Dawn came up on his other side.

"Pikachu's off playing somewhere else right now, no need to worry!" At that, Ash relaxed a little, but he still eyed the bushes suspiciously.

Meanwhile, Sparky had found me. "What the...?"

"I know," I sighed, relieved when my trainer finally looked away. "He got hit on the head, and now this is my life, stalking my best friend from the bushes." Sparky looked at me sympathetically.

"That sucks." Somehow, those two words were enough to break me.

"I know," I whispered again, hiding my face so that Sparky couldn't see my tears. He gently pushed through the leaves and crouched beside me, rubbing his red cheeks against mine. The little flow of electricity was warm and calming.

"Anything I can do?"

I shook my head. "I don't think so, but thanks." I was grateful for his presence, and he stayed with me while the rest of our friends chatted, and while Delia and Silver continued their argument. Pokemon were popping out of Pokeballs, either to greet friends they hadn't seen in ages, or to introduce each other to new ones. With so many Pokemon around, Ash was in his element, and it always astounded me that playing with Pokemon could reduce his symptoms so easily. As long as he stayed moving, when he was with Pokemon, he was almost normal. He'd also gotten over that initial awkwardness, and before long, he and Ritchie were arm in arm like a pair of brothers, grinning from ear to ear. I wasn't surprised, as they'd always been close, but it made me a little sad.

I wanted him to smile like that with me.

"Are you Ash Ketchum?" A foreign voice was heard, and we all turned to face the new arrival. "Is he here?" The kid didn't look like anyone I'd ever met, nor did any of our human friends seem to recognize him. Tepig, however, gasped and stared.

"Who are you?" Brock asked, speaking for Ash, who just hummed in a questioning tone. Our new arrival smirked broadly.

"My name's Shamus," he announced proudly, running up to point dramatically in Brock's face. "I've heard stories about you, but you can't beat me! I challenge you to a Pokemon Battle!"

"What stories are these?" May asked, intrigued, and Shamus grinned.

"Only that you haven't seen anything until you've seen Ash Ketchum battle."

"Ha!" Gary laughed. "You should hear the stories we tell back home!"

"So how about it? Let's fight!"

Brock smiled awkwardly. "Well, actually, Ash is this guy here," he nodded his head in Ash's direction. "And I don't know if your grapevine told you, but he's been in the hospital for a while, so..."

"But you're out now, right?" Shamus interrupted, focusing his attentions on my trainer. "Come on! Let's have a battle! I won't take no for an answer!"

Ash was at a loss. "N-not, wait... huh?" Brock decided to rescue the poor boy.

"Look, can I explain something to you in private?" But Shamus ignored him completely, as well as Tepig, who had run up to the new arrival with excitement.

"Listen, kid, if two trainers lock eyes, they have to battle! You can't chicken out!"

"Yeah, but Ash really can't battle now!" Dawn defended, while Ash looked more and more confused. "You'll have to battle someone else!"

"Yeah, don't be so childish!"

"But I came to challenge him!" Shamus whined, glaring at Ash. "Aren't these your Pokemon?" He pointed to the present party, Snivy, Tranquill, Oshawott and Scraggy, then finally noticed Tepig. Tepig squealed with joy and latched onto Shamus' leg, nuzzling it happily. "Hey, what gives?"

Ash had no clue, but Cilan grew thoughtful. "I wonder... Could it be that this Tepig used to belong to you?" Iris started, head whipping back to look at Shamus, who seemed just as surprised.

As for myself, I was floored, and nearly darted from the bushes to run to Tepig. But finally, a smile tugged at our stranger's features. "So, you were able to get yourself a new trainer. How about that?"

"I can't believe you!" Iris shouted, actively raging, while Cilan's anger was more subdued. "Abandoning a Pokemon like that! You should apologize right now!"

"Chuuuu," I agreed, my own cheeks sparking, and it was lucky that Ash couldn't see me and Sparky right now, because we'd have given a perfectly good reason for people to be scared of us.

"It's my right as a trainer," Shamus said easily, nudging poor Tepig away with his foot. "I can't be taking care of useless Pokemon." He ignored Tepig's mournful cries and focused his attention back on Ash. "So? Are we battling or not?" Ash looked torn between concern for Tepig and general confusion.

"Umm..." He kept looking to the rest of the group for help. "Um, not... don't..." Brock sighed and stepped up.

"We told you already, Ash can't battle right now. Maybe some other time."

"Or you could battle me," Iris offered, clearly having an axe to grind.

"No thanks," Shamus sniffed. "I came to battle Ketchum, I'm not gonna waste my time with the loser's rejects." He smirked down at my trainer. "You look like a weakling, anyway."

If the old Ash had been present, that line would have been a death sentence. The Ash I knew could never stand to be slighted in such a way, and I would have been right on his shoulder, sounding the battle cry.

But the Ash I knew was buried somewhere under that old building. My new trainer just shrugged with a sheepish smile and picked up Tepig in his arms. "...sorry..." he said in a voice that was only mildly disappointed. He gently stroked the poor Pokemon's ears, not caring about Shamus' taunts. Luckily, the rest of our friends were indignant on his behalf.

"Take that back!"

"You jerk!"

"You want a battle? I'll give you one!"

Shamus just waved them off. "I've got better things to do with my time," he drawled, and turned to leave, but didn't make it far before Tepig jumped out of Ash's arms and chased after him. "What do you want?"

"You don't think," Cilan began, a bit of worry in his voice, "Even after everything, Tepig still misses his old trainer?" Iris looked scandalized.

"No way..."

"Um," Ritchie leaned in with a confused look. "Who is this creep?"

"He used to be Tepig's trainer," Cilan explained with a glare. "But he abandoned Tepig and threw him away."

"When we found Tepig, he'd been tied up to a post," Iris added with a glower of her own. "He was so starved and dirty that we thought he was an Umbreon."

"What?" That his a nerve with Brock, and I fully expected him to have Shamus by the collar within seconds, except, Ash somehow managed to get there and do it first.

"What?" he repeated in a voice that channeled thunder. His memories might not be all there, but his righteous fury was still alive, and his variation on Mean Look had never been more threatening. That look that said "I trained a Charizard and face down legendaries, so there is nothing you can do that will scare me!" There was no version of Ash that could stand to see Pokemon hurt.

"Ash!"

"Battle!" Ash demanded, though Shamus just pushed him backwards. "Battle, p-p-pol'gize! A-Apol'gize!"

Shamus wrinkled his nose. "Something wrong with you? Why are you talking all retarded?"

Pokemon match? No...

This was war.

"I've never seen Ash so angry," Iris breathed, to which May, Dawn and Brock all shrugged.

"Hunter J."

"Team Magma."

"Lucario."

"Paul." It was true; before that damned tornado, Unova had been a refreshingly slow region.

Ash looked ready to tear that boy's head off, and as he was backed in that desire by the majority of the crowd, Shamus decided to go along with the Pokemon Battle.

"Fine!" He declared with a grin. "We'll show you the power of the Fire Warriors!" He called his Emboar and Heatmor out of their pokeballs. "And then you'll see how useless that Tepig really is." Ash just snorted his disdain. "A double battle! Tepig and whatever Pokemon you want to watch lose!" Ash's mouth was set in a hard line as Shamus jogged off to a nearby field, his Pokemon stomping behind him. He passed Bianca as he did so, causing her to lose control of her own running while she stared after his Emboar, and she consequently smashed into Ash and knocked him off the dock.

After we fished him out, and Bianca had apologized several times, she finally asked what was going on. "Ash is going to battle that guy," Ritchie summarized, "He used to be Tepig's trainer, but the sleazeball abandoned him."

"That's so mean!" Bianca shrieked. "You teach him a lesson, Ash!"

"Excuse me," a voice broke in, and we were all reminded that Bianca's father was still following us. "Is that really a good idea?"

"I don't see why not," Delia reasoned, and Silver nodded.

"Guys like that don't deserve to call themselves trainers. Show him what a real battle is, half-pint." Bianca's father cringed.

"But he's..." he gestured at Ash in a way that was probably meant to be discreet, but failed. "Well, he can't do this!"

"All boys grow up someday," Delia said resolutely, "It doesn't matter if they're a person or a Pokemon, they all need a chance to prove themselves." She smiled down at Ash. "If not, they never learn how to be men." She dug Ash's pokedex out of his backpack and handed it to him, and though he accepted it gratefully, the anger had long since been dropped from his face. "You can do it, Ash."

"R-Right... T-tepig," he said, but Tepig just looked morose, and Ash bit his lip. "Gary!" he begged, practically launching himself at the other boy. "H-help! Don't... not... how..." Gary snorted.

"Actually, I think you're doing a bang up job on your own, there, Ashy-boy..."

"Gary..." Ash whined, "L-li...linoone... don't..." It was Brock who clapped a hand on Ash's shoulder, startling him.

"We don't understand you," he said firmly. "Calm down and use full sentences." Ash clenched his teeth, and in his mind, I'm sure he was swearing at him.

"...Linoone... don't..."

"Verbs, Ash."

"Have!" Ash snapped. "Don't... don't have...linoone..." Blank looks were shared among the group.

"No, I don't think you do," Dawn said, nonplussed. May tapped her chin, thoughtfully, but didn't seem to be coming up with any insight.

"Need... linoone," Ash insisted again, "Can't, can't battle, how? Can't...rules..." Gary frowned.

"Do you mean a license?" he finally asked, and that was clearly what Ash was looking for. "You already have one, remember? You're a Pokemon trainer now, you've been in lots of battles."

Shamus' distasteful voice was heard in the distance. "Are you guys gonna be all day?" Ash looked uneasily down at his Pokemon, who were all waiting eagerly at his feet, minus Tepig. I would have been with them, except, I didn't think it likely that Ash would choose me.

He looked over each of his Pokemon carefully, with the seriousness I usually associated with league matches.

"Girl," he said finally, and after a few seconds, Snivy and Tranquil realized which one he meant.

"About time he figured it out," was all Snivy said as she stepped forward, but I could see she was pleased. Lucky her.

May leaned in to Brock. "Do you think Ash actually has a chance?" Brock just shrugged.

"I'm a little worried about Tepig," the pig pokemon didn't look like he had any inclinations to battle at all, "But if Ash can call his attacks properly, he should do all right."

"That's the problem, isn't it?" his mother sighed.

"But Ash has been battling for years, even if he doesn't remember," Brock pointed out. "Those neural pathways might still be strong." May blinked.

"Neural what, now?"

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Ever since he started studying to be a doctor, I can't understand a thing he says."

Meanwhile, Ash was trying to plan a strategy, despite Tepig's present apathy. When shown moves or stats in the pokedex, it just moaned, and eventually, Ash gave up and focused his attention on Snivy.

He smiled weakly at her. "Um... not...don't... stupid," he laughed ruefully and pointed to his head, seeming more nervous than he needed to be. "Mess... you... you... clever... clever girl..." Snivy nodded as if this made absolute sense. "Can... can you...? mess?"

"Snivy." She seemed so confident. I wasn't even sure what Ash was getting at, but he brightened at her response and whipped open the Pokedex, scanning Snivy and looking at her attacks.

"Words, not, can't," Ash was saying, scrolling through the data, "See? See? This..."

"Snivy."

"This...?"

"Snivy! Snivy!"

"What on earth are they talking about?" Brock muttered, and Cilan shrugged.

"I don't ask questions when it comes to Ash's battle strategies," he laughed. "I just sit back and watch the show."

"Speaking of the show, I think we should probably get this one on the road," Gary offered. Luckily, Ash and Snivy had finished their huddle, and quickly ran out to face their opponent. Both of them looked far more serious than they needed to for a simple field battle. If I hadn't known, I would have thought they were facing Cynthia for the championship title. Tepig, however, still appeared to be facing the gallows.

"Come on," I said to Sparky with a sigh, "It looks like the party's moving." We scampered along the sidelines and took refuge in a nearby tree, well over Ash's head but able to see and hear the proceedings clearly.

"Ready?" Shamus called, standing at the ready with Emboar and Heatmor. Snivy and Tepig stood across from them, but Ash didn't stand behind his team. Instead, he walked over to the sidelines so he was facing Brock, the referee.

"Hn," Ash nodded, and everyone just stared.

"You're supposed to stand behind your Pokemon, moron," Shamus said, but Ash stood his ground.

"Here." At his determination, Brock chuckled.

"Well, I don't see a problem with it, do you?" As unusual as it was, Shamus couldn't come up with a reason to contest it. In a few minutes, they'd be running all over that field, anyway.

"Fine! Let's battle! Heatmor, Ar-" Before he'd even finished talking, Ash threw up his hand and Snivy was charging in for a quick attack. "What? Dodge!" It was too late, however, and Snivy managed to get in a hit, followed up by a vine whip.

"Blow!" Ash shouted to Snivy, who set loose a Leaf Storm without even pausing for breath, then turned to Tepig. He flung his hand in the direction of Emboar, and I suddenly clued into Ash's strategy. By standing on the side, instead of the trainer's box, he could use visual cues when his words failed him.

"He's brilliant..." I whispered, and Sparky just laughed at me. "What? He is!"

"I'm not arguing."  
>"T'pig, Charge!"<p>

Tepig, however, just hung his head. "Ha! Told you it was useless!" Shamus cried. "Emboar, Flare Blitz!"

"Move!" Ash yelled, and Snivy did her best to escape, but still was hit by the attack. Tepig didn't even try, and was hit full on. "Pull, pull!" Somehow, Snivy interpreted that and used Vine Whip to wrap around Heatmor's leg, pulling herself out of the line of fire before sustaining too much damage. Even so, the attack had taken it's toll, and she whipped around to shout at Tepig.

"Are you going to just stand there?" she scolded. "We're in the middle of a battle, here!" Tepig kicked at the ground, embarrassed and torn.

"I can't," he pleaded, "I can't battle him, he raised me!"

"Raised you?" Snivy sneered. "He left you. How can you stand there and defend him?"

"You don't know, okay!" Tepig cried, whimpering slightly. "He didn't want to leave me, he just couldn't keep me... We were friends!"

Snivy clearly wanted to retort, but there was still a double battle going on, and she had to hold it down as best she could. "Sni-!" Ash threw his hand out in front of him and Snivy shot forwards for another Quick Attack, moving fast enough to avoid Heatmor's Fury Swipes and Emboar's Hammer Arm. "Flamethrower!"

No one was sure if that order was meant for Snivy or Tepig, and it didn't really matter, because Snivy wasn't able to react quickly enough and was hit by Fire Spin. Even so, she still managed to use her Vine Whip to knock Tepig away from Emboar's Arm Hammer, as the little guy wasn't making any attempts to dodge.

"No!" Oshawott squealed from the sidelines. "Don't let them hit you! Fire is super-effective!"

"Oh, shut up, this is harder than it looks," Snivy shot back. I could only imagine. Between the Fire-Types and Ash's inability to articulate commands, this was a gargantuan feat for her. "You going to help out anytime today?" she called over to Tepig, who once again hung his little head in shame. "You think this guy's your friend, but Ash, here," she waved at our trainer, who was scanning his pokedex hurriedly, "He really cares about you."

"He doesn't even remember me!" Tepig shouted, and little tears were threatening to fall. "Pikachu was his best friend, and he abandoned him! How is that any different!"

"He wouldn't do that to you," I said, mostly to myself, not sure where all the confidence was coming from. Sparky moved just a little closer to me, the presence slight, but enough to be reassuring.

"Listen to me," Snivy said darkly, "Ash never abandoned Pikachu, and you know that. It's Pikachu that abandoned us."

"What?" My shock and surprise gave away my position, and Snivy's head whipped around to smirk in my general direction.

"You heard me, you little coward," she taunted. "Wanna get out of that tree and say something about it?" I didn't, because I was worried Ash would see me and react, and so, the battle continued without me.

"You have a whole family here, Tepig," she said between clashing Vine Whips and Fury Swipes. "And we're willing to fight for you, no matter what the circumstances!" She charged forward with Leaf Blade, causing Heatmor to flinch and landing an attack on Emboar before it knocked her away. "What do you care about some jerks that left?"

"Hearts!" Ash called, and Snivy sprung into action, using Attract on the two giants she was facing. It worked just long enough for her to land a Leaf Storm attack.

"Don't you get it! Ash is willing to fight for you, despite everything that's happened, and the rest of us are right here beside you! What has that guy ever done for you, huh?"

"But you abandoned your trainer," Tepig said uncertainly, causing Snivy to stop dead in her tracks. "And then Ash abandoned Pikachu..."

Tepig was slapped across the face by a Vine Whip. "You don't understand anything!" she hissed. "My trainer abandoned me, got it?" Her face was hard and cold. "And we both deserved for that to happen. But Pikachu didn't leave because of Ash, he left because of Piakchu, and if you want to call that abandonment, then you just remember that he brought it on himself." Somehow, I didn't think she was talking to Tepig anymore.

Ash was engrossed in the Pokedex, trying to come up with new moves and strategies while his opponent's pokemon were lovestruck, so I risked shouting back to the competitors. "You don't know what you're talking about!"

"Don't I?" she called back, while Tepig ignored another order from Ash to attack. "Talking to you, it's like Ash is the only person that matters, like you didn't have this whole family of people who loved and cared about you..."

"Tepig, run! Snivy, Flamethrower!" Ash cried again, and Snivy rolled her eyes and released the Leaf Storm to end all Leaf Storms.

"We're going to have to work on this..." she glared at Ash, but in more of a playful way than a malicious one. For Ash's part, he didn't seem aware that he'd just asked his grass-type to use a fire move, and seemed pleased with the results. However, Emboar and Heatmor had both risen from their stupor, and responded with attacks of their own.

Snivy used Vine Whip to block Heatmor from hitting Tepig, but was left defenseless against Emboar's Arm Hammer. "Get up!" Oshawott cried, waving his scallop shell like a flag. Tranquill and Scraggy shouted out cheers of their own. "Come on, Snivy, get up!"

"Of course," Snivy panted, more confident than her physical state justified. "The boy asked for a Flamethrower, after all..." And with that, the look in her eyes was positively murderous. "Haaaaa!" She released a Leaf Storm, but instead of the bright, green leaves I was used to seeing, these leaves were more of a duller color, and they flew straight up in the air to form a massive leaf ball.

"What on earth is she doing?" Sparky wondered, and I didn't have a clue.

"You're supposed to aim for the target!" I shouted at her, but she paid me no mind.

More and more leaves poured from her body into the hurricane of leaves pulsing in the air, but not one of them left the mess to go hit an opponent. "You're attacks don't mean anything if they can't hit!" Shamus taunted, laughing as Snivy's leaves rubbed and grated furiously against each other, never exiting the swirling monstrosity.

And then, the miracle happened. One tiny spark, but with that many dry leaves, one spark was all it took, and suddenly, Snivy had a massive fireball on her hands.

"HA, HA! YES!" She fed the flame with a constant stream of Leaf Storm, and her mass of burning flame engulfed her opponents completely. I didn't think it would be all that super effective, but the sheer shock value alone did some damage, and certainly, Emboar and Heatmor were too busy staring to even consider dodging.

"Wow," Sparky said flatly, "You guys sure upped a level since Indigo."

"Wait until I show you Thunder Armor," I said, still dazed by the glory of Snivy's Flamethrower. Even Ash looked stunned. "..."

"I'm so glad I got out of the rivalry business," Gary deadpanned, and May nodded.

"If Ash can't take the League this year, I'm giving up on him." But Snivy's accomplishment was not enough to turn the tide against two Fire-Types, and Shamus collected himself quickly.

"Don't let them humiliate you!" he cried, "Fire Blitz! Fire Spin! Show them our true power!" Both his pokemon charged into action, combining their attacks into one blue and white flame surrounding Emboar. "Attack!" Emboar charged straight for Tepig, who could only stare in horror as the ball of energy headed his way.

"Not today!" Snivy zipped back and tackled Tepig, knocking him out of the way and taking the full force of the attack.

"Snivy!" Ash screamed, running over, and Oshawott hid his eyes beneath his scalchop.

"Oh, no..." I whispered, craning my neck to get a closer look. Brock had a resigned look in his eyes, and declared that Snivy had fainted and was unable to battle.

Ash picked her up in his arms. "S-sorry..." he murmured, holding her close. "Good... did good, clever, clever girl... sorry..."

"Silly boy," Snivy sighed, blinking with exhausted eyes. "Would I have let you catch me if I didn't think you could do this much?"

Ash pulled out her Pokeball. "Rest..." But Snivy refused.

"No, I'm watching this thing until the end." She faced Tepig, but he wasn't able to meet her eyes. "Are you going to give up, after all that?"

"I can't fight him..." Tepig argued, sniffling. "What's the point, anyway?"

"The point?" I found myself on my feet, running down the tree trunk and towards the battlefield before I could even think. Ash yelped and stumbled back a few steps, but I ignored him. "The point is that Snivy just learned Flamethrower, just for you! That's the point!" I pointed at Shamus with a sneer. "Ever since you agreed to come with us, you've been a member of this family, and we support each other. We never abandon each other, or leave them alone, no matter what!" Tepig was startled by my sudden appearance, but not convinced.

"You say we're a family, but Ash doesn't even remember us!" he wailed. "And you just left all of us!"

Now I understood what Snivy had been getting at. "I'm sorry," I said sincerely. "I'm really sorry. But I'm not leaving you, and neither is Ash. Even if he can't remember everything he used to, he still loves you, and he's still here, ready to support you in anything. Would that guy do the same?" Tepig looked dubiously across the field, then back to me.

"But, if he could forget about you..."

"Ash isn't the only one who matters to me," I said defiantly, realizing something I'd forgotten over the past few weeks. "You're my friend, too, and believe me, there isn't anybody who could make me stop caring about you." I turned to my trainer, fire in my eyes. "Even Ash can't kick me out of my own family." I expected to see fear on Ash's face, and I wasn't mistaken, but there was another strange emotion buried in his apprehensive eyes.

"...back..." he whispered to me, and I smirked back at him.

"You'd better believe it." I turned back to Tepig, completely serious. "Snivy fought so hard to defend you. Are you going to let all that go to waste?"

"You can talk all you want, but it won't do any good," Shamus called from his side of the field. "That little guy's useless. Why do you think I went out looking for stronger Pokemon?" Tepig cringed, shocked and ashamed, and Ash snapped.

"Wrong!" he shouted, Snivy echoing his wrath. "So... wrong! Tepig!" he called, stepping back off the field, "CHARGE!"

It was like a switch was flipped inside Tepig's mind, and he raced forward with all the power of Ash's fighting spirit behind him. "PAH!" He collided with Emboar and knocked the giant pokemon off it's feet, and suddenly, a flash of light erupted on the field.

"Could it be...?"

"An evolution!"

Gary rolled his eyes. "Ketchum, you have the best timing on earth." When the light show died down, Tepig was nowhere to be found, and Pignite was standing in it's place. It roared gleefully, and looked back at Ash, who was both awed and joyous.

"...go."

One Fire Pledge later, and the battle was over. Shamus was stunned, and the rest of us were jumping and shrieking with joy.

"I can't believe it, I just can't believe it!" Bianca was crying jubilantly, and Dawn was hugging May and giggling loudly.

"This is why I travel with him," Cilan laughed. "Nobody else battles like this!" Brock grinned back at him.

"Yeah, I forgot how much I missed this." Ash and Snivy ran to Pignite and embraced happily but awkwardly, laughing so hard that they didn't notice Shamus walking up behind them.

"Good job, Pignite," he said, looking so gentle and kind that I could hardly believe it was the same person. "You've gotten a lot stronger, huh? Why don't you come back with me? Rejoin the team?" I was astounded by the audacity of such a request, even more so when Pignite looked pleased to be asked.

But Pignite let loose a Flamethrower right in Shamus' face. "This is my team, now. I wouldn't leave them for anything."

I smiled as Shamus ran off, but froze when Ash turned back to look at me. Our eyes locked, and I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what would get through to him. In the end, Ritchie called his name, and Ash left without saying another word to me.

It would be a lie to say I wasn't hurt. Snivy sidled up to me, "You know, today was the only day he didn't ask about you."

"Huh?" I turned to look at her in surprise, and she tossed her head haughtily.

"All week, he's been asking where you were. Today was the only day he didn't say anything about you." We watched Ash celebrating with our friends, everyone cheering at his and Pignite's victory. "I don't know what he might have wanted, but he clearly expected you to come back." I chuckled bitterly.

"And if he forgot all about me, then it would have been my own fault?" Snivy nodded.

"No relationship is ever one-sided. It takes both of you to fix mistakes," she said. "Just ask my old trainer." And with that, she walked off to congratulate Pignite, who hugged her enthusiastically and lifted her into the air. I watched her squirming, and thought that maybe she was right.

Sparky zapped me out of my thoughts, and we both raced to join our friends. I stayed on the sidelines, but I didn't bother to hide myself, and I could see Ash watching me nervously.

Even so, he didn't run away.

Would he have the same opinion tomorrow? Would he even remember any of this? I didn't know, and suspected there were going to be many more terrible days ahead if I decided to go home with him. But Snivy was right, and whatever happened between us, I couldn't place all of the responsibility on Ash. Nor was he the only person the ones at home were waiting to see.

"So, you're really coming home, then?" Pignite asked me, and I jumped up on his head and pulled on his ears.

"Definitely!" I laughed as Pignite tried to swat me off, and caught a stray glimpse of Ash watching us.

I couldn't be sure, but he might have been smiling.

"It's getting about that time," Professor Oak cleared his throat. "We should probably get down to the boat."

"I have to be going as well..." Bianca's father faced his daughter awkwardly, and Bianca bit her lip.

"Daddy..."

"Be careful out there, sweetie." He hugged Bianca tightly, and I saw her blink back some tears. "Just make sure you call home sometimes."

"I'll remember," she promised, and they broke apart.

"No you won't," her father laughed. "But you work hard. I look forward to seeing... I look forward to seeing the woman you'll become..." Bianca began crying openly and hugged her father again, and around them, the farewell rituals were beginning among the rest of our group.

"Well, girls," Brock hugged May and Dawn close, "I know the circumstances weren't so great, but it was really good to see you again."

"We'll miss you, Brock."

"Study hard, okay?" Cilan and Iris were also trying to share a hug, but it ended badly when Cilan began choking on Iris' hair.

"Good grief," he sputtered, while Iris smoothed out her mane indignantly. Still, their parting was genuine and sweet. "I really enjoyed traveling with you."

"Me too," Iris confessed, looking down at the ground. "Are your brothers really okay with you leaving?"

"Chili took it pretty hard, but he'll come around," Cilan waved it off. "They both know how important this is to me, after all." Iris nodded, then extended her hand.

"When you come back, let me know," she offered shyly. "We can travel together again. Maybe... maybe Ash can join us, too..."

"I'd love that." He shook her hand with a smile. "Best Wishes, Iris." Axew burst into tears, and Cilan opened his arms for a quick hug. "I wouldn't forget about you, Axew, not ever!"

I made my way around the crowd, saying goodbye to all the pokemon I'd come to know so well, and all the people who'd become my best friends during our time together. When I reached May, she knelt down and patted my head.

"You know, I was thinking about that thing with Lucario," she said kindly, rubbing me behind my ears, "He accused Ash of a lot of things, and said you might have abandoned him. I think Ash was really scared that Lucario might have been right." He never told me... "But Ash never stopped believing in you. He trusted you, and followed you all the way to the tree of beginning."

Great, another moment where Ash nearly died and it was my fault.

"I guess what I'm saying is," May continued, "Ash doesn't really have it in him to give up on things. So try to hang in there, okay?" I nodded, resolving to do my best, and she squeezed me close.

"'When every life meets another life, something will be born'," Dawn quoted when her turn came. "You know all those Sinnoh ledgends where humans and Pokemon came from the same species? When I saw you and Ash, I really believed them." She nuzzled my cheek affectionatly. "I still do, so, don't give up on him." Don't give up, don't lose faith, keep beliveing... some days, that was harder to do than others.

But it didn't matter how many times we failed, as long as we were trying.

"I'll miss you, Pikachu."

"Pi, Pikaka..."

My next target was Bianca, but Ash beat me to her. "B-bi... mat-tered. Mattered." Bianca's eyes teared up instantly. "You... y-you made... mattered... diff-diff'rence. Always mattered."

"I'll never forget you, Ash!" she sobbed, embracing him before he had a chance to react. "I'll be waiting for you at the Pokemon League!" Ash blinked, still staring after he'd been released.

But he clenched his fists slowly, and nodded. "Yeah..."

We all knew we were supposed to be heading off, but no one really wanted to leave, and we delayed our departure as much as possible. No one said it, but they all were afraid that once they left Ash's sight, so much about them would be forgotten, even with Bianca's ingenious solution.

"So much has happened here," Iris said wistfully, "I just wish there was a way to make sure you don't forget Unova..."

"What, none of you hicks have heard of cameras?" Turning our heads, we were shocked to see Trip running towards us, dragging Luke and his camera behind him. Zoura bounded beside her trainer, grinning excitedly.

"What are you guys doing here?" Once they screeched to a halt, Trip shoved a packet into Ash's hands.

"Photos," he explained. "I was documenting my journey, but you guys kept showing up, so..." he shrugged casually, "I thought, whatever, a hick like you might find them interesting-" Ash hugged him before he could form a protest, and though Trip stood there with wooden horror the whole time, I think he was secretly touched.

"I finally finished my movie, too" Luke said, handing over a tape. "When Trip told me what happened, he said you might like a copy. I've got the whole battle documentary on there, even the scenes we couldn't use." He winked at Bianca. "But I think they add character."

"You're brilliant," May declared to Trip, who was still out of sorts after Ash's display of affection, and waved off everybody's praise.

"Hey, let's take one last picture before you go!" Dawn suggested, and the entire group of us squished together for one last photo op. Afterwords, there was nothing left to delay the inevitable, and all those Pallet-bound reluctantly moved towards the dock. "Wait!" Dawn cried, pointing dramatically to Gary. "Future professor, do you have anything to say?"

Gary's eyes widened at being put on the spot, but he took a deep breath. "Though the sun, it fades away, friends grow closer, everyday." He looked around for approval, and Dawn clapped happily.

Professor Oak winked at his grandson. "Needs more practice," he teased, and Gary flushed with embarrassment.

With that, the final hugs were made and we all boarded, save Ash and Ritchie. "Hey, I think I forgot something over there. Ash, will you help me?" Ash grinned devilishly, and the two ran off towards Salamance.

"What are they doing?" Professor Oak asked, and Delia's eyes widened.

"Silver, don't you dare!" But it was too late, and Salamence rose into the air, Ritchie, Ash and Silver riding triumphantly atop it.

"You were out-voted, Delia!" He called back with laughter, and Ash waved at his mother with a cheeky grin. "Don't worry, I'll hang on to him!"

"You'd better stay in sight of the boat!" she chastised, watching them fly off, then groaned to herself. "That boy is going to give me an ulcer." Professor Oak chuckled and picked up her luggage.

"I'd say he takes after his mother."

"No, I blame his father," she muttered, but followed us all onto the boat. Waving goodbye, we cast off from shore and set our sights on the horizon.

We were going home.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: おひさまと おつきさま かわりばんこに かおだして (The Lady Sun and the Lord Moon are always changing faces.)

* * *

><p>It started out like an ordinary day... We'd managed to foil a team rocket attack, meet some new pokemon, and somewhere along the way, Oshawott trapped me under a box. I was trying to explain this to Ash, who just kept laughing at my tirade. "Hang on, slow down!" he chuckled, "I can't understand you!"<p>

I did my best, but it felt like the slower I talked, the less Ash understood me. "What do you mean, you want to lock Oshawott in a box?" No, no, no I said, even slower than before, but it didn't help in the slightest. "You're going to trap me in a box?" Was he misunderstanding me on purpose?

Now, Ash was backing away from me slowly. "I don't understand you, it doesn't make sense... Why would you want to hurt me?"

"I don't!" I tried to say, but now Ash was terrified, cowering in the corner.

"Stop, please!" Stop what? "No more Thunderbolts, no more!" I wasn't attacking him!

Or was I? Ash was writhing in pain, yellow lights flashing around his body, and I was...it couldn't be...

No, no, it wasn't me, I would never do this! I didn't want to do this, didn't even feel the electricity flowing out of my body, but I could see with my eyes as well as Ash could, and it was unquestionably my attacks. "Who are you?" Ash cried out, and I tried to answer, but the charge increased and Ash just closed his eyes and screamed.

"No, stay away!" I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and saw that I had evolved into a Raichu with fangs.

"PIKA!" I awoke with a start, Sparky and Silver's Chikorita standing over me. Sunlight streamed in through the window and I took a deep breath. Just a dream... I was in the other nightmare, now.

"Good morning," Sparky greeted, "They're serving breakfast in the kitchen, you coming?" I stretched and nodded, my mood uplifted by the thought of food. With Brock, Cilan and Delia all in the house, the fare promised to be good.

I heard a familiar sobbing coming from upstairs, and shuddered when I heard the sound of something large hitting the wall. "How long has he been awake?" Sparky stared up at the ceiling, transfixed, so it was left to Chikorita to answer.

"About two hours, I think. He hasn't left his room yet." How ironic; last night, we couldn't get Ash to stay in it. Everything had changed, he complained, he couldn't find his things. His mother had managed to put a positive spin on the situation, and Ash eventually was taken over by a curious spirit of exploration, but I should have known it couldn't last forever.

Silver and Ritchie were already polishing off stacks of pancakes when I entered the kitchen. "Good morning," they both called out cheerily, and Chikorita and Sparky jumped on their respective trainer's shoulders. I suddenly felt very alone.

"You're just in time, Pikachu," Brock broke me out of my thoughts, "A full course breakfast, coming your way!" Within seconds, a plate of pancakes and a bowl of cut fruit obscured my vision, and I started attacking them to fill the emotional void.

"Are you really leaving, then?" Ritchie said to Silver, who nodded ruefully.

"A man's gotta make a living," he said, and Ritchie just snorted.

"And here I thought you were just a freeloader." Silver flicked some juice at him.

"Mind your elders, half-pint. I can't stay forever. Are you gonna fly back with me?"

"Actually," Ritchie looked hesitantly at Brock and Cilan, "I thought I'd stick around for a few more days, if that's okay with Mrs. Ketchum. I haven't seen Ash for awhile, and, well..." he hid his face behind a fork-full of pancake. "Maybe I could help out a bit... you know, if they have room for me..." Cilan beamed.

"I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all," he said happily, "And I, for one, would be more than grateful to have an extra hand to stir the soup."

Brock agreed. "Yeah, Ash can really tire you out sometimes." As if on cue, another angry scream was heard from upstairs. I closed my eyes, trying not to think of what sort of day that boded for us.

Silver smiled and carried his dishes to the sink. "Well, if I don't have to wait around for you, then I think Salamance and I are going to take off. Hopefully we can make it to Shamuti before noon."

"Be sure to say goodbye to Mrs Ketchum."

"Do you think I just eat and run?" Silver snapped, and Ritchie's face said that's exactly what he thought. "You're just a little smart-alack, aren't you?"

"Look at who my role models are."

"Role model, nothing! My kid's not allowed to grow up into me and neither are you, got that?" Ritchie just laughed while the grizzled man grumbled up the stairs.

His mood dropped shortly after. "Grow up..." he muttered, poking at his food. "Is that ever going to happen...?"

"Don't start wishing to be older," Brock warned with a chuckle, "Responsibility is over-rated." I suddenly wondered what Brock had been like at Ash's age, before his parent's left him to take care of all his siblings. Was he energetic and counting down the days until he could leave on his journey? Did he have hopes and dreams of starting out as a trainer, making friends his own age, working his way up to becoming a breeder?

Nothing in Brock's future had turned out quite like he'd expected, and for awhile, he almost wasn't able to chase his dreams. "I mean for Ash," Ritchie clarified, "Do you think he'll ever be able to be a Trainer again?"

I hated him for saying that. It made it sound like Ash had somehow stopped being a Trainer. Even worse, it reminded me that I may have destroyed my best friend's dream.

Brock and Cilan looked at each other. "I guess we'll just have to see..."

"But it's not hopeless, right?" Ritchie pressed, ignoring the awkward looks. "I mean, he was able to battle yesterday."

"He also told his grass-type to use Flamethrower," Cilan pointed out.

"And then she did it!"

"Ash has some really good days, but he has bad days, too," Brock said with finality. "He's working as hard as he can, but it's going to take a long time for him to heal. And even then, it might not matter..." He turned to the sink full of dishes with furious vigor, and it fell to Cilan to answer Ritchie's silent questions.

"Even before the accident, Ash had a progressive disease." How kind, to call it a disease, as if I had no part to play. "His speech and memory are improving, so it looks like he's getting better, but he's actually getting worse. If the doctors can't treat that, then he won't be able to train for long."

Ritchie looked like May's Munchlax being told it couldn't have any more food. "But they're gonna try, right?"

"Of course." And if that failed...? "We'll just have to wait and see what happens." There was some noise in the living room as Silver left, and we all called out our goodbyes. After shutting the door, Delia came into the kitchen to wave from the window, followed by a very sullen and red-eyed Ash.

He straightened when he saw all of us. "G-g-g'dmorn'g how're you 'm fine..." he greeted, though he looked like he was going to be hit on the head for speaking up. One of those bad days, then.

Everyone chorused back their own greeting, and Cilan guided Ash to his place at the table. "You got up just in time. Did you say goodbye to Silver?"

"Yeah..." Ash muttered, stiffly sitting down. He looked terrible, and his eyes were darting all over the room, scanning every little difference.

"We're going to go to Professor Oak's lab to see your pokemon after breakfast," Ritchie said with an attempt at enthusiasm. "Are you excited?" Ash brightened up for exactly one second, and then his shifting gaze fell on me.

"AAHH!" He pushed back from the table, the jug of juice threatening to spill over. "No, no, no, no, no!" I started, more surprised than I really should have been. After yesterday, I had hoped that things would be better, but it seemed things were back to how they always were. Ash clenched his eyes shut and clamped his hands over his ears. "G'way, g'way, g'way!"

"Ash, it's just Pikachu," Ritchie tried, looking hopelessly out of his depth. Ash just shook his head and screamed louder.

"I think I'd better go," I mumbled to Sparky, pushing my fruit bowl towards him and moving to leave. But I was stopped by the stamping of Delia's foot.

"Ash Ketchum!" she chided sternly enough that Ash opened his eyes and stopped his ranting for a second. "Is this how we act at the breakfast table?" The look on Ash's face was almost comical.

"But..." he whined, still on the verge of tears, but his mother just crossed her arms.

"You're a Pokemon Trainer now, remember? And Pikachu is your Pokemon. So, he will stay and eat with the rest of the family." I didn't dare disobey her when she used that tone.

"Yeah, but..." Ash's eyes darted back and forth from her to me. "Read, read, r'member, but..." Our eyes locked for a second, and I found myself holding my breath. He said remember... Did he remember that he was my trainer? Did he remember that he'd read that in Bianca's book? Was he aware of who I was, and if so, what was holding him back? "Can't!" Ash declared, shutting his wide, brown eyes and banging his head against the table. Brock ran to grab his shoulders while Cilan pushed the plate and silverware out of his way. "Can't, can't, can't!"

"Ash, you're fine!" Brock shouted, but it was Delia's calm, yet firm voice that brought the boy back to reality.

"Ash, you are Pikachu's trainer, so this is his house, too," she told him, Ash continuously shaking his head. "Now, you can skip breakfast, or try to explain what's wrong, but you are most definitely not making him leave the table. Are we clear?" Ash had stopped thrashing his head around, but Brock still kept an iron grip on his shoulders while the boy sobbed. I chanced a look at Delia and realized that underneath her calm, motherly facade, she was just as terrified as the rest of us.

What I wouldn't give for one of us to have a clue what we were doing. "Are you ready to calm down and eat?" Delia asked, and Ash finally nodded, though tears were still pouring down his face. "And what should you say to Pikachu?"

The boy cringed, but he faced my general direction, eyes resolutely on the floor. "S-ss...ssssorry..." I wanted to tell him it was okay, but I was worried that might set him off again.

So I just nodded. "D-don't talk... don-ntalk t'me, k?" What? "Donnttt," he hiccuped, more tears pouring down his face while I could only sit there, helplessly. "Don't-t-talk t'me... jusss..." he looked over at his mother. "...pp-please... ...plsss jussss don'..."

I nodded again, slower this time. So much for that fleeting hope that he was finally accepting me. After a moment of awkward silence, breakfast resumed, and we all returned to our food. Ash set about trying to cut his pancakes, and seemed to be having difficulty. I tried to bring it to the attention of Delia, but she had turned around to talk to Mr. Mime.

"Mimey, would you mind getting some vegetables from the garden?"

"Mime, mime!" Ash's fork clattered to the floor, and Delia turned around.

He looked betrayed. "M-my, mm-mmy job," he stammered, staring at his mother with not-yet-dried tears on his face. "Used tttt... use't'be my job, my job..." Delia fumbled for words, not sure what to do and her earlier confidence wavering.

"Well, you always hated doing your chores, right?" she tried to reason. "Mr. Mime is just trying to be helpful." It seemed her explanation wasn't good enough, and Ash turned back to his food, shaking with emotion.

"Here, let me get that." Brock fetched Ash a new fork and cleared his old one from the floor. "Would you like some syrup, too? We have maple and blueberry." It wasn't enough to truly distract Ash, but the boy nodded, blinking back tears.

"B-bluebbbberry, please..." Brock served that up quickly, and Ash tried to go back to eating in silence, but his shaky arms knocked his glass of orange juice all over his pancakes. His breakfast a soggy mess, Ash had hit his breaking point, and he put his head in his hands and sobbed.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" Everyone rushed forward, stopping one step from Ash as we realized we had no idea what to do to make it better. "Can't, hate it, stupid, stupid, can't..."

It was Cilan who broke through the crowed, swinging a spare dishtowel with practiced ease. "Allow me," he said as he swooped in with grace, wiping up the mess and clearing away Ash's meal in the blink of an eye. Everything cleaned and restored, he knelt down by Ash's chair and offered a clean napkin to the boy, who took it and buried his face in it.

On one knee before Ash's chair, Cilan was the perfect picture of humility and servitude, the consummate waiter, and he radiated a gentility that seemed to put Ash more at ease. "This is really hard for you, isn't it?" Cilan said kindly, putting a hand on Ash's arm. "The house has changed, you're not feeling well, and there's all these new people hanging around. I bet it's a lot to take in." Ash nodded, blowing his nose in the napkin.

"H-hurts, 'nd can't...I can't...mom...don't...don't-t b'long, don't belong, not my room, n-not... not my job... can't, can't..." Cilan kept patting Ash's arm while the boy rambled, waiting patiently until Ash finished all he had to say.

"You probably feel like you've been replaced, huh?" Ash nodded despondently. "You've been gone on a pokemon journey the last few years, but you don't really remember much of that. And everybody remembers an Ash that you don't know how to be anymore. That's a lot of pressure, isn't it?"

Ash was calming down, relieved that someone finally seemed to understand him, and I just watched Cilan with amazement. Why couldn't I, his best friend, see any of this?

"But what you need to realize, Ash," Cilan continued, "Is that your mom is never going to stop loving you. She'll always be your mom, and you'll always be the most important thing in her world. So don't you forget that, okay?"

"k-k..." Ash murmured, still sniffling into the napkin.

Cilan just kept his gentle smile. "And you're always going to be my best friend. I'll always love you, no matter what you think you can't do and no matter how many times you get hit on the head." He stood up and ruffled Ash's short hair. "And I'll make you as many stacks of pancakes as it takes for you to understand that."

Tearfully, Ash managed to match Cilan's smile. "Th-thanks..." Cilan patted his shoulder, and looked out the window.

"You know what, it's a gorgeous day! How about you and I go eat outside?" Soft and gentle, he extended a hand to Ash, who took it gratefully. The two of them retreated out to the front porch to relax in the sunshine, while the rest of us remained rooted to our spots with awe.

"He's amazing," Ritchie finally said, to which I could only nod. Cilan had a way of dealing with people, whether friend or foe, hot-headed brothers or scared little boys.

"Well, a good waiter should see the needs of the people around him," Delia reasoned. But Cilan wasn't just a waiter, he was a sommelier. He saw what was lacking, but he also saw the combinations that would best fill the voids, blends that would bring out the best in everything. And most of all, he loved to serve others, always happiest when he could watch us happily eating the food he'd prepared and presented for the people he cared about.

I was hopelessly, insanely grateful that he'd decided to stay with us. Ritchie sat back down in his seat, still a little shaken. "Is this what you meant by the bad days?"

"Still want to stay?" Despite clear misgivings, Ritchie nodded, turning to Delia.

"Would that be all right?" As expected, she was more than pleased to have more company in the house, particularly company that planned to make themselves useful in some capacity. I finished my breakfast and hopped across the counter to the windowsill, watching Ash and Cilan together. The latter was listening patiently while Ash was trying to describe something complex. I couldn't make out the subject, but he seemed unusually serious, and determined to get his message across. Whether or not Cilan was understanding that message was unknown, but he listened anyway.

I missed being the one Ash told his secrets to. "He'll come around, Pikachu," Delia said, kindly, and she scratched me behind the ears. I appreciated her words, but I wasn't as patient as Cilan. How long was I going to have to wait before Ash accepted me as a friend? Would that time ever come at all?

_You know you deserve this, _my reflection in the windowpane told me, _I bet he wondered the same thing when he first met you. _ And that had worked out, but... _all those months later, and he still thought you'd be happier without him. _ Was waiting the only thing I could do?

_Ash had to nearly give his life for you,_ my inner self taunted. _Are you willing to do that? _ Even if the opportunity arose, I didn't think that would be enough to solve my problems. I jumped off the counter and decided to make an early start for Oak's laboratory.

"Here, take the last piece of fruit," Delia offered, and I accepted the kind gesture, even though I was in no mood to eat. I walked outside while debating whether to toss it or give it to Snorlax and nearly passed right in front of Ash and Cilan.

Realizing this, I ducked out of sight, but not before Cilan caught a glimpse of me. He stared at me thoughtfully, then turned to Ash. "So, what is it about Pikachu that bothers you?" Ash looked as if he'd been asked on a date by that Macy girl.

"Ah! Don...Can't..." Ash racking his brain was a comical sight, because his hands would usually get involved, physically shaking his head like knowledge was a coin falling from a Pignite Bank. "Know... know... r'member, r'member things... lots of things, but... um... yeah, wrong..."

"Wrong? Your memory is wrong?"

"No! Just... just wrong... missing parts..." Ash sighed, his leg kicking lightly of it's own accord. "Just parts... do-doesn't make s'nse..."

"But you know Pikachu is your friend, right?" I held my breath. Even if he didn't remember, surely he could see that.

But the universe had no more desire to do me favors than Ash himself did. "No...not...not that..." What? "Always... then nothing, nothing... lets go..."

What did he mean? "What do you mean?"

Ash scratched his head. "Lets go, quick, too... too quick... can't hang on..."

"Do you mean you forget too quickly?" Maybe he couldn't hang on to the memories?

But Ash shook his head, frustrated. "No, hands." He held out his own for emphasis. When Cilan didn't get it, Ash groaned and stood up. "Hands, see? Eyes, c-close, close eyes, close your eyes..." Cilan, curious, obeyed, and I strained my neck a little further to see better.

"Stand," Ash instructed, and he took Cilan's right hand and walked up the porch steps. Cilan, now on a lower level than Ash, nearly stumbled, but Ash charged him to "Stay, stay on step." Slightly straining, Cilan planted his feet and held his ground while Ash gripped his hand.

"Falling," he said to Cilan's closed eyes. "Sinking, maybe, falling, going to fall, to fall, but... this..." He pulled on Cilan's hand a bit more and the green-haired boy nearly lost his balance. "Can't see, can't feel, just this... hand..." Ash bit his lip, watching Cilan struggling to keep from falling over. "Can't...can't save, just... going to fall, can't do anything, but... miss...scared, so scared, don't tell them, so scared." Ash took another step backwards and Cilan lurched forward, grabbing the porch railing. "Nothing to hold!" Ash chided, and Cilan gingerly and shakily let go of the railing, eyes still shut and dangerously close to falling on his face. "Just hands, can't save you, but... but..." Now, Ash seemed as if about to cry. "Don't let go," he whispered, "Can't save, can't save me , but, please, don't... miss you, love you, goodbye... love you, don't let go..." Ash released Cilan's hand, and the poor boy was so hopelessly off-balance that he fell to the steps with a yelp.

"Nothing," Ash sighed, and he sat back down on the steps while Cilan scrambled to do the same.

"What was that?" he asked, the message not getting across to him.

"Remember," Ash said seriously, looking at his own hand. "Nothing, always nothing... end... always lets go..." he sighed again, despondent and maybe even bitter. "Can't hang on forever, can't, nothing..."

Neither I nor Cilan knew what to make of that. "Is this a memory of Pikachu?"

Ash hesitated before answering. "Pi..." He couldn't bring himself to finish my name. "Nothing, fall, hurt, gone, nothing, always nothing... but, something... so scared, can't tell, so scared..." Cilan bit his lip and glanced over at me.

"Have you tried talking about this to Pikachu?" Ash went rigid. "Do you think it would help if you tried?"

"Try?" Ash snapped, giving absent, weak punches to his bouncing leg. "Try... one, just one! Can't, can't... not... good enough, good enough, let go. Just let go, can't."

Because that made sense in a completely non-hurtful way. "I think it would mean a lot to Pikachu if you let him talk to you," Cilan tried again. "He loves you so much, and all he wants to do is show you."

"Can't." Ash was absolute. "Voice, sound, can't, just can't, remember! Remember... dirt, can't, can't breathe, dark, flash, flash, hurtpaindarkstopsaveme nothing! Hear it, hear it, remember, and can't... can't do it, can't, can't..."

"What if I were right beside you? Nothing bad would happen to you."

"Know, no, but..." Ash took a deep breath, shuddering. "Don't wanna r'member... don't wanna forget... can't know..." Ash clutched his knees, both as a vulnerable gesture and to keep them both still. "...I ..."

Cilan patted his shoulder. "Ash?"

"Try," Ash whispered resolutely, and I felt my heart leap. "Fine. Try." Cilan looked over to me with entreating eyes, and I shuffled forward without a second thought.

Once I was standing in front of Ash, though, I almost backed out. What was I going to say? How could I convey the wealth of emotions I felt for Ash in just a few short words that he might not even understand? How could I convince him that all his fragmented thoughts about me were wrong, when he just admitted that my voice conjured up unbearable flashbacks? I stood before Ash, still clutching that piece of fruit and not knowing what to do when he realized my presence.

He didn't lift his head, or meet my eyes. "...h-hi..." Already, he was tense, bracing himself for whatever trauma was to come. I saw his hands twitching, and suspected that he was fighting the urge to clamp them over his ears. Was there anything I could say to change this?

And then, watching him tremble and Cilan start to look like this might have been a bad idea, I realized that I didn't need to say anything. What he wanted most of all was for me to not say a word, and I wanted him to know he could trust me. And so, I took a few tentative steps forward and wordlessly offered him my piece of fruit.

He didn't take it from me, and I'm not even sure he saw it with the way he was determined to look anywhere but at my being, but I gently pushed it into his hands and backed away slowly. Ash stared at the gift, shoulders trembling, and neither he nor I said a word.

Finally, I couldn't take any more of the silence and gave a small wave, before turning around and bolting out of sight. I couldn't stop running once I'd hit the road, and the further I got from Ash, the faster I ran, until I was skidding into Professor Oak's door head first.

"Oh, hello there," Professor Oak said when he opened the door, and for a second, the bump on my head made him look like Sam. "You're a little earlier than I expected. Shall I let you out back to see your friends?" Yes, please, at this point, I needed them more than oxygen.

When I stepped out into the field, the first thing I saw was Bulbasaur and Squirtle. "Guys..." Now, it was okay for me to have a breakdown, and I ran towards them at full tilt, sobbing all the way.

Bulbasaur's vines wrapped around me and Squirtle patted my head while I wailed away about how happy I was to see them, and not once did they comment on what a complete and total wreck I was. That would be saved for later.

Twenty minutes later, I had finally had enough of losing it completely, and was able to greet my friends properly. "I'd ask you how you've been, but I think you just answered that," Squirtle said when I'd calmed down, and I chuckled while wiping tears. "I'm sure it's been an intense few weeks for you."

"You don't know the half of it," I said, smiling at both of them. "It's good to be home."

"Good to have you all back," Bulbasaur returned, then frowned. "Well, almost everyone. There's a few I wasn't able to get a hold of." I nodded to myself.

"I could go out tomorrow and find Pidgeot. I think it's somewhere around Route 1 still." Route 1, with it's psychotic gang of Spearow and more memories than I cared to count. "I suppose we should call Ambipom, too. Even if she can't come visit, I'm sure she'd like to know."

"She might be better off not knowing," Bulbasaur sighed. "The one I'm most worried about is Butterfree." I felt guilt in the pit of my stomach, not that there was anything I could do about it. But Bulbasaur was right; Butterfree would be devastated to learn that all this had happened, even though we had no way of keeping in contact.

Lapras, too, probably would have come if there was any way to relay the news. "We're regular globe-trotters, aren't we?"

"Speaking of," Squirtle drawled, "There's a certain dragon that still needs to hear about this..."

"I thought it would be better to wait until Ash got home," Bulbasaur defended, but Squirtle clearly disagreed.

"The longer you put it off, the worse it's going to be when he finds out." He was about to say more, but there was a commotion amongst all the other pokemon that stole his attention.

Ash had arrived.

Bulbasaur paled visibly. "Oh..." Not the reaction I expected.

"He looks terrible," Squirtle finished. "You didn't say it was this bad." In defense, Bulbasaur looked at me, though I couldn't respond. To me, this was an improvement over that broken wraith in the hospital bed.

"Didn't we tell you?" Brock was saying, guiding Ash into the corral. "All these pokemon are yours, Ash. Why don't you say hello?" Ash looked like a kid at Christmas, but also a little taken aback. I could only imagine what a dream come true it must have been to suddenly have so many Pokemon, all eager to play with him.

"H-hi!" Ash waved, but as our friends drew closer, they stopped in their tracks. I might not have the same perspective, but they could all see that something was terribly wrong with their trainer. He looked sick, sicker than any of them could imagine a person being.

"Oh, come on!" Bulbasaur cried, mustering up some bravery and color for his cheeks. "Is that the kind of welcome you guys give your friends?" Backed up by Squirtle, he rushed forward to greet Ash, and once Ash began petting and tickling his two old friends, the rest of the crowd followed.

I saw a blur of green and yellow rush by me. "Stop her!" At my command, Snivy and Bulbasuar sprang into action, tackling Bayleef into the ground, but no one caught Corphish and Totodile, and Ash went down like a ton of bricks. "No!" Without thinking, I rushed to Ash's side, arriving faster than Brock and Ritchie. "Pikapi, PiKAchu?"

"AAAHH!" Ash scrambled back into the arms of his human friends, apprehensive and trembling, and silence fell over the rest of the Pokemon. I wished I could rewind my life by sixty seconds and choose to keep my distance, because the last thing I wanted was to go through this in front of the others.

"Ash, are you alright?" Brock wrenched Ash's attention away from me, and he managed to confirm that Corphish and Totodile hadn't completely maimed him. After all, that was my job.

"Fine, fine...jussst scared, fine," Ash breathed, anxiety slowly coming down. But then the whispering started.

I could tell myself Ash was sick, and that he'd get better. I could remind myself that he didn't hate me, and he really was trying his best. I could tell myself that I just needed to give this time, we could get through this, no matter how long it took.

But when they all started whispering behind my back, I couldn't take it anymore. I had always been the favorite, the Team Captain, the Veteran Player, Ash's best friend in the whole world and now they were all watching me lose everything. Even worse, I was being humiliated in front of everyone, they were all whispering about me and Ash was just sitting by and letting it happen!

"Pikachu? What is it?" My shoulders shook and I hid my face. Did they really have to ask? Hadn't they all seen my fall from grace? Squirtle ran up to me, but I turned my back.

"Pikachu, what's going on?" I hadn't told Bulbasaur, or any of them about this. They knew Ash had lost his memory, and that included me, but I hadn't talked about how I'd been relegated to the monster that haunted Ash's nightmares.

"He hates me, don't you get it?" I hiccuped. "I did this to him, so now I don't get to be his friend anymore, that's what happened! So you can all just _shut up about it!_" If anything, they only whispered more.

"S-stop..." That familiar voice. I looked up to see Ash with his hands clamped over his ears. "Stop, please, stop..."

"Well, I can't stop!" I finally shrieked, having reached my breaking point. "I can't just not say another word around you _for the rest of my life!"_ Ash got to his feet, angry and nervous, with hands still covering his ears. "I can't take this anymore! You want me, then you don't, you're nice and then you can't stand me, which is it? If you're going to throw me away, then _just do it already!"_

"Idiot!" Ash stamped his foot in frustration. "You, you, you, wrong, always wrong! Never understand, always let go, let go, too quick!" Now, I wasn't the only one crying, though I was surprised Ash still had tears left in him after this morning. "Can't take it, can't take it, too much! _Too much! _Just... wait... not good enough, wait..." Ash was starting to lose steam, and I stepped forward, having broken enough to keep pushing this.

Around us, human and pokemon alike were stunned into silence. At least they had stopped whispering. And if they wanted something to talk about, I was going to give them a topic worthy of it. "Not good enough, huh?" I bellowed, refusing to feel guilty when he cringed. "I said I was sorry, isn't that good enough?"

"Shut up," Ash moaned, closing his eyes and shaking his head. "Don't care, don't care..." That stopped me dead. He didn't care... If he was angry, I could work with that, I was masochistic enough to accept that, but ambivalence... Was nothing I did ever going to be good enough?

"Why are we fighting?" I found myself asking aloud. "You don't want me around, you don't really know me or like me, and you don't even care about this fight. So, why are we still here?" Ash looked at me, fury in his eyes.

He clenched his teeth and forced his hands to his sides. "Idiot! Listen," he seethed, and I backed up a step. "...I...don't... lose...never lose, never give up, fight...fight, I'll fight you every day, every day, w-whole life, understand? Understand...?"

Yeah, I understood. I was just some argument for him to win. But I could be stubborn, too. "Fine," I came back with some scathing words of my own. "Fight all you want, it's the only thing that's ever been important to you, anyway." I turned around, calling one last shot over my shoulder. "But even if you win, you'll always be a loser." And with that, I ran away from the crowd, not daring to look behind me.

I couldn't believe him! It probably wasn't fair to blame Ash, he was the one with the head injury, but I couldn't be expected to stand up to all of this pressure either. Ash didn't care about me anymore, though, that was pretty obvious. He didn't remember anything about our friendship, or hold any love for me, all that was left was a few traumatic memories and a compulsion to prolong arguments until he won.

I meant nothing to him. With heaving breaths, I flopped, exhausted, onto a mossy spot by the pond, unable to go any further. I wasn't sure if I wanted to scream or cry, but I knew that if I started, I wouldn't ever stop.

"Pikachu!" Squirtle had followed me, and I heard the sound of Bulbasaur's heavier tread.

"Go away," I groaned at them, but predictably, they didn't listen.

"You have to go back!" Bulbasaur insisted worriedly when he caught up. "You should have seen his face! The things you said-"

"The things_ I_ said?" I shrieked, my second wind returning. "Did you hear _him_? He reduced our entire friendship down to a stupid argument!"

"Really? 'Cause from where I was standing, that sounded like you..." I wanted to kick Squirtle in the face.

"I can't believe you're blaming me for this!"

"We're not," Bulbasaur was quick to jump in. "We wouldn't, that was terrible, and I'm sorry, but you have to go back and make it right! You can't just leave things like this!"

"He's the one who started it!"

"But you can end it!" Squirtle tried again. "No, wait..." Bulbasaur rolled his eyes.

"Is this how you want to end it?" the grass pokemon rephrased. "Just like this, your friendship is over?"

"What am I supposed to do?" I shouted back. "He said he didn't care about me!"

"Pikachu, were you even listening to him?"

"I heard enough," I snarled, and tried to walk away, but a familiar shadow passed over the grass, and I looked up to the sky. "Uh, oh..." When Bulbasaur and Squirtle followed suit, similar expressions appeared on their faces.

"I thought you said you didn't call him?" Squirtle asked, while Bulbasaur grew steadily paler.

"As if this day could get any worse..." With a giant thud and a flamethrower that could have incinerated the whole corral if he felt like it, Charizard landed in front of us, smoke pouring from his nostrils.

The three of us huddled together, trying not to act terrified of our friend. "Why the hell didn't you tell me?" Charizard growled in that '_I battle with legendaries and that's not even my biggest accomplishment, so don't waste my time_' voice that struck terror into everyone's soul save, possibly, Ash's.

"We were just waiting until Ash got back to Pallet," Bulbasaur reasoned, rather bravely, since Charizard's type could send Bulbasaur to the Pokemon Center before he could even blink.

"Why?" Neither Bulbasaur or Squirtle could come up with an answer, but I had been pushed over the edge enough to tempt fate.

"Because you're an unstable rage monster who breaks everything he touches, that's why." If I thought _Ash _had been mad at me...

"I had to find out on the news!" Charizard roared, stomping his feet angrily enough that the earth shook. "Do you know what that's like? All this time, he's been in the hospital and no one thought they should tell me?" Bulbasaur and Squirtle looked away guiltily.

"Look, we're sorry," they said in an attempt to smooth things over. "We thought it would be better if you didn't know. We made a mistake."

"A mistake?" Charizard was beside himself. "Don't you realize that nothing that kid does is ever going to be as hard as having to relearn _his_ _entire life_? No matter what happens to him, nothing is ever going to be that hard or that horrible, and I wasn't there for him!"

"Oh, like that's anything new," I shot without thinking. In hindsight, I should be grateful that I'm still alive.

Charizard fixed me with a smoldering gaze. "If you want to start pointing fingers, there's a whole lot I could say about you..." I bet there was, and I decided to keep my mouth shut.

Besides, we weren't alone anymore. "You!" Charizard turned around to see Ash, Brock and Ritchie, who had followed either me or the giant balls of smoke and flame. "You...!"

"Hey, kid."

Ash balled up his fists, now even angrier than when he'd fought with me. "You... why here, why now? Why?" Wait, did Ash know Charizard? I pouted and raged inside at the injustice.

On the other hand, while there was none of the fear, Ash's opinion of Charizard didn't seem to be any more favorable. "Left, gone, always gone, why now? Why?" Ash was clenching his fists so hard his knuckles were turning white. "Not good enough, never good enough... go... go back! Go back!"

Charizard was surprised, and took a step forward. "Hey, wait-"

"Back!" Ash shrieked, actively raging now. "Not good enough, weak! Why now, why now, I... I-I'm weak... weak, stupid, stupid..." His anger was still present, but I saw his inner spirit deflating, and at that sight, all my previous anger melted away. "W-who... w-who wants... weak trainer, right? So, go back."

As if Charizard listened to commands. "But-"

"Go back! Go, go, go! Don't want, don't want, can't... weak, weak, stupid, not good enough!" Charizard had had enough, and walked forward to his trainer. Bulbasaur and I shot each other a look, both of us with Vine Whip and Iron Tail at the ready in case this got ugly. "Hate, hate, hate! Why now, why now, always left, why now? S-stupid, w-weak..."

I was ready to attack, sure Charizard was about to let loose a flamethrower, but he surprised all of us when he reached forward and pulled Ash into an embrace. Squirtle pinched himself just to be sure we could believe what we were seeing.

Ash fought against the hug at first, but was powerless against Charizard's arms, and eventually collapsed into a sobbing mess. "N-no, go away... weak, don't want, no one wants... weak trainer..."

"You're not weak, kid," Charizard informed Ash in a gentle voice I had never once heard escape his lips. "You're just evolving." The dragon looked around at the rather sizable crowd of pokemon that we starting to gather, and snorted disdainfully. "Come on, let's get out of here."

"No," Ash protested halfheartedly, but before he could say another word, Charizard had him in the sky, flying off to who knew where.

"Do you think we should follow them?" Ritchie asked, but Brock couldn't be sure.

"If Charizard had enough sense not to fire a flamethrower at Ash, I guess we can hope he'll be smart enough to bring him back safely." All the same, he called out Crobat to keep an eye on them, not that I believed we had any chance of catching up. "Who knows, maybe flying will calm him down?" Ritchie looked doubtful, which wasn't surprising; he remembered how he'd won at Indigo.

Would that I were ten times my size and could just force Ash to bond with me. "I think I made a mistake," Bulbasaur said thoughtfully.

"How do you mean?"

"Well, I was worried that if we told Charizard what happened, he wouldn't be able to handle it and would do something crazy. But," he looked up at the sky with a smile, "Maybe our unstable rage monster was what Ash needed all along?"

I could only hope he was right.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: New rivals, as you fight for survival...**

* * *

><p>Every morning, Ash woke up and yelled at Charizard. Every single morning, he'd start pitching a fit at the orange dragon napping in the corral, and in response, Charizard would usually shut him up gently and take him flying. When they returned, Ash was a bit more subdued and tolerant of Charizard's existence, but by the next day, it would start all over again.<p>

Charizard took it all in stride, or at least, he pretended to. "How can you stand it?" I asked him.

"Well, he didn't win me overnight, either," Charizard pointed out reasonably, even though I didn't think Charizard did calm reason. "I'm taking a page out of his book; I've just got to keep hanging in there until he gets a clue."

It sounded optimistic, but... "Do you think he will?" Because I wasn't so sure there was a point to this anymore. But Charizard was of a different opinion.

"It worked the other way around. Then again, it could take awhile..." He looked at me enviously. "He won't fight for me like he does for you."

I thought about that for the next few days, wondering what Charizard could possibly mean. When I'd asked him, all he'd said was "Come on, isn't it obvious?" Unfortunately, it wasn't, and I supposed he must be talking about how things used to be, where Ash raged against the world and beat it all for my sake.

But Ash didn't fight for me anymore. Like Charizard, I was usually the subject of a yelling match at least once a day. Unlike Charizard, I often was the instigator.

I didn't intend for it, but whenever we interacted, I was tempted to push Ash's buttons until one or both of us began screaming. It filled the void temporarily to have Ash interacting with me, even if it was in a negative way, but every time, I felt like someone was sticking a shovel into my chest and digging an even bigger hole in my heart. Which was fine, I'd already dug my own grave long ago; might as well keep going until I buried myself.

Naturally, this behavior caused all my friends who weren't currently aphasic amnesiacs to worry. "Don't you think this is going too far?" Bulbasaur often said, to which I usually tossed my head.

"No. He wants to fight me every day, and that's what he's going to get."

"You're a moron," Squirtle told me, and after that, I tuned out anything they had to say. Ash's words, however, always struck to my core, even when they were nonsensical.

"Always like this, you, you..." My stubbornness used to be one of the things he loved about me. "Can't take it, too much, go away." Well, there were things I couldn't take either, but I wasn't making him leave. Sometimes it felt like I was the only one who'd even tried to patch things up between us. "Don' care, Don'care..." Yeah, that was obvious, but I still cared, and I was still going to push him. "Lets go, just let go." I wouldn't allow him to let go of me.

"What are you hoping to accomplish, here?" Brock asked me often, usually at the end of his patience. Ash tended to gravitate towards Brock after I'd driven him into a meltdown, and I think the older boy was burning out. "You're going to wear the kid into a nervous breakdown." Everyone else was of the same opinion, but Charizard and I were the only ones Ash actively hated, and even Charizard could get Ash to rescind. No one understood how I felt.

That didn't stop everyone from pretending that they did, however, and even Gary bothered to add his two cents. "I know what you're trying to do," he said sympathetically, "Trust me, it doesn't work." Gary Oak would have to be the last person on earth with the right to tell me how to deal with Ash, and I made sure he knew that. He didn't talk to me again.

If Ash wouldn't remember me positively, I was going to make one hell of a rival, and either way, I'd never leave his memory.

That didn't always equate to me being wanted, however. "No," Ash told me forcefully, despite not looking me in the eye. "Not coming, stay back."

"PiKA!" They were driving into Viridian to visit the clinic. Ash was not done with doctors, not by a long shot, and between house visits and trips to Viridian, he saw a speech therapist and a psychologist once a week. Today, however, was a very important day. We'd finally be visiting with a brain specialist, and know for sure if the surgery we'd heard of could help Ash.

Today might be the day our prayers were answered, and if so, I had to be there.

"Pikachu," I insisted, hopping defiantly towards Professor Oak's jeep. My best friend was going through a crisis, and even if we weren't acting like friends anymore, I still cared about what happened to him. I had to know the prognosis, had to watch this whole thing through until the very end.

"No!" Ash stomped his foot, but his mother put a hand on his shoulder.

"Isn't it okay if Pikachu comes along?" she asked sweetly, while Ash grumbled. "He's very concerned for you."

"Not that..." Ash sighed with a bit of edge to his voice. He frowned at me, actually deigning to look at my face this time. "Jussss you, you, jussst... want to hurt, you, want to hurt." That comment caused everyone within earshot to look over.

I couldn't think of a way to interpret that without sending myself into shock, so I tried to ignore it. "Pika, pikachu!" I was coming on this trip, and I wasn't going to let Ash's harsh words stop me.

"What if Pikachu rides in the front with me?" Delia tried. "That shouldn't bother you." It usually did bother him, actually, but Ash was a lot more tolerant of my presence when I was off with the others, rather than right next to him. I was reluctant to call that improvement, but it was something.

Today, however, nothing would sway him. "No, no, no! Not coming, not!" It was Brock who decided to go behind Ash's back on the matter.

"Here, get in my backpack," he offered after Ash stomped off, having cleared out most of his stuff. "He can't object to what he can't see." I would have protested his choice of words, but between making my point and actually getting to go, I chose the latter option. Cilan frowned while I settled in.

"You know, I think Ash remembers more than he says he does."

"What, you think he's lying?" Brock fluffed out a towel to make his rucksack more comfortable, while Cilan shook his head.

"Not lying, exactly, just..." he sighed. "Listening to him talk, I get the feeling that there's a lot he's not saying."

"Well, that's the understatement of the year." Cilan's frown betrayed that this wasn't what he'd meant, but he didn't say more on the subject, wishing us off. The last thing I saw as the flap of the rucksack closed over top me was he and Ritchie walking back into the house.

Something about that sight made me uneasy. "Pikachuu..." I didn't like this, this felt wrong. It felt too much like a pokeball. "Pika!" Even Ash's backpack wasn't always warm and comforting, let alone Brock's, despite his efforts to make it comfortable. "Pikachuuu~!" I clawed at the flap and would have likely put a few holes in it if Brock hadn't caught on to my distress.

He opened the backpack again. "What gives, Pikachu? You're supposed to be quiet." I didn't answer him, and sprang back into the fresh air, shaking the uncomfortable feeling off.

I'd been crammed into backpacks before. Usually Ash's, but Brock's ferried me more than once in the past. This shouldn't have been a big deal.

But Ash hated me now, and somehow, that made everything a big deal.

"So much for stealth- oh, no..." Brock grimaced, and when I turned to look, I saw that Ash was watching us. "There goes that plan."

Ash looked upset, but he didn't yell. "Should stay," he grumbled at us, clenching his fists. "Not nice..." Brock sighed.

"Ash, you know we're just worried about you-"

"Shut up!"

"Pi, PiKA!" I shouted right back, though Brock shot me a look. Ash fumed for a bit, then pulled something familiar from behind his back. Red and white, and though the paint had long since faded away, the little groove of a thunderbolt still remained.

My stomach dropped as he activated it. What if Ash actually managed to recall me? Would he keep me in there forever?

But he just rolled it across the ground, and my eyes followed it as it came to a gentle rest at my feet. "That way," Ash said with hard, judgmental eyes. "Only like that."

I wouldn't. I wasn't even sure I could.

"Pikachuuuu."

"Only that way," Ash repeated, still aloof. Brock turned to me.

"I know you hate them, but they're not that bad," he pointed out. "They're designed to be a comforting environment." Yes, I knew all that, but it didn't change how I felt. Most of my friends loved their Pokeballs, and the theory of their design reflected nature and healing; I could understand that. Snivy and Sceptile often preferred to be in their Pokeballs, liking privacy, and Bulbasaur claimed that he felt linked to Ash psychicly while inside. All of that, I could appreciate.

But I could never get over the fact that Pokeballs were machines, and smaller than I was. If the hinge or the clasp broke, I'd be stuck in there until it was fixed, and if the trainer lost or abandoned the pokeball, I might not be able to let myself out until they came back. And if the pokeball broke completely, fell of a cliff and smashed into a million bits, what happened to the pokemon inside? Were they lost to the system? Just energy floating in the universe?

Stupid fears, everyone always told me, but I couldn't let them go. Besides, I didn't find pokeballs all that comfortable, anyway.

"Only that way," Ash said for a third time, crossing his arms across his chest. His eyes were shut tight, refusing to look at me anymore.

He was shutting me out.

"Pikapi-" Ash clamped his hands over his ears, and I gave up. "Pi." I smacked the pokeball with my tail and watched it bounce back to him.

He flinched when it hit his shoe, and cracked open one eye. Now I was the one crossing my arms defiantly. "Pika!"

"Pikachu doesn't like pokeballs very much," Brock interceded, but somehow, I got the impression that Ash was completely aware of this.

"Doesn't like," he sneered. "You, you, you... selfish." I started, arms dropping to my sides. "Not, not only one, only one, doesn't like..."

"You're calling me selfish?" I challenged, feeling another shouting match about to begin. "When you're the one who won't give me a chance?" Ash looked furious, but he directed his fury at my unused pokeball, picking it up in his shaking hands.

"Can't, won't, don't want to, always, always," he snapped at it, though his comments were obviously meant for me. "Me, too," he said while watching the pokeball shrink, "Can't do, lot's can't do, scared, but ask, always you." The pokeball disappeared behind his back, and I felt a little touched that he still wore it on his belt, after all this. "I... understand..."

"You don't understand anything!" I told him harshly, "You don't even try to understand!" And with that, Ash had finally been pushed to the edge.

"What?" he shrieked, torrent of emotions finally loosed. Tears came to his eyes, though his were mostly closed and would have only seen his feet if they were open. "What? Want what? Can't do... can't, can't!"

"Can't or won't?" I asked, but Ash, once again, simply covered his ears.

"Shut up, shut up! Can't..." Whimpers were coming out with his breath. "I... I have...too...me, too..." Fine, I'd pushed far enough, it was time to back off.

Or, if I kept going, would I get what I wanted?

"PIKA, PIKACHU!" Ash curled deeper into himself, almost doubling over. "You can't tell me what to do!"

"FINE!" he shouted back, trying to drown out my voice with his own. "Fine! Win! Not looking, not looking! Go!" It took a minute before I realized that he would look away while I got in the jeep. Pretending I wasn't really there.

I wanted to shock him, but if he was going to let me come along, I decided to accept my victory for what it was worth. I hopped up and under a seat, while Brock reached out a hand to Ash.

Ash pushed him away. "Trick, not nice," he seemed hurt, and I felt bad for getting Brock involved in this. "So mad..." But Ash would forgive Brock in a few hours, and by tomorrow this would all be forgotten, possibly literally.

For me, however, I was doomed to repeat this cycle for the rest of my life.

* * *

><p>Ash may have conceded to let me ride in the jeep, but once he arrived at Viridian, his confidence was back. "Stay," he told the seats. "Don't come, stay here..."<p>

"I'm not a pet," I snapped back, and Ash bolted from the vehicle. I followed him, Professor Oak, Delia and Brock, keeping a safe distance where Ash wouldn't notice me.

It was a little more difficult to slip inside the consultation room without being seen, but Brock, ever my champion, distracted Ash while I slid behind a plant. I got settled and Doctor Proctor shook Ash's hand.

"Ash Ketchum. So nice to finally meet you in person." Delia looked surprised.

"You know Ash?"

"I've been consulting Ash via the videophone for years," the doctor revealed, which was news to everybody, including, sadly, Ash. "Ever since he was first diagnosed. I'm sorry to hear about the accident." Ash merely shrugged. Doctor Proctor gestured for everyone to have a seat, and pulled out a yellow folder with Ash's name on it. "Unfortunately, recent events have complicated your condition..."

"But he consulted you before?" Delia interjected, still surprised, as was Professor Oak. They shared a look of relief when the doctor nodded. "Thank goodness, I knew he wasn't incompetent..." Ash looked offended.

"Well, you still could have told your mother." With no argument against that, Ash sat back. Doctor Proctor open the folder and handed Delia some papers.

"As I told Ash, the damage to his neural system was most likely caused by an attack from an electric pokemon. It's extremely rare for the average trainer to encounter this, but after seeing Professor Birch's data on Ash's Pikachu, I felt confident stating that was the cause, particularly if the exposure occurred over a prolonged period of time." There it was, laid out in black and white. All of this was my fault, I'd been killing Ash from the very beginning. "Even so..." the doctor looked uncomfortable, "As I'm sure you're aware, the amount of power and the frequency of attacks necessary to harm a human to this degree is... unfathomable." He shared a look with Professor Oak, who nodded, reluctantly. "It was my advice that Ash turn Pikachu over to Pokemon Control."

I froze, and Brock went rigid. "Pikachu's not violent!" he said on my behalf, and the doctor smiled to placate him. Ash himself did not move, but did mutter something under his breath.

I couldn't catch it, but Doctor Proctor did. "Don't worry, Ash, you were very quick to let me know that. Even so, it was my recommendation that you stop training Pikachu."

"Would it have helped?" Delia spoke up in a quiet voice, and the doctor cleared his throat before answering.

"The damage was already too extensive by that point, but I thought it might slow the rate of degeneration. Most of Pikachu's attacks were, admittedly, not going to aggravate the condition further. Even if Pikachu shocked you now, it would be unlikely to do anything. However," everyone held their breath, "Pikachu's threshold of power is far greater than others of it's species. I'm sure it's a formidable foe in battle." The doctor smiled, and I couldn't see Ash's face well enough to see if he was proud to hear that. "While I agreed that Pikachu's average output posed no danger, and that Pikachu would never intentionally cause harm to you, I was compelled to point out that intentionally or not, you were often hit with attacks far above it's usual output."

Brock and Professor Oak came to my defense again. "Ash and Pikachu don't live an average life," they argued, "Pikachu had to use those attacks just so they'd survive!"

"Pikachu can't be blamed for things it couldn't help." Doctor Proctor held up his hands.

"I'm not here to judge," he chuckled a bit. "And anyway, Ash agreed with you all. You told me that you wouldn't hold Pikachu accountable for things beyond it's control, and though I advised against it, you resolved to continue training as before." He smiled at Ash. "Our health isn't only made up of physical things, after all."

I wondered if Ash felt differently, now.

"We began discussing-" the doctor was cut off when Ash stood up from his chair, whirling to face the back of the room.

"Out," he declared, more than a little annoyed. "Out. Know you're here, out." I didn't move. If he wanted me to leave, then he was just going to have to come over here and make me.

I was surprised when I heard his footfalls drawing closer. Apparently, he was going to do just that. "Said no," he said, with only a plant between us for protection. He looked nervous, but determined. "Go, go out."

"I want to stay," I tried, but Ash, as he'd already done several times that day, put his hands over his ears and turned away from me.

"No, just go. Don't want, don't want you here! Not good!" I shouldn't have expected anything else, but I could dream. "No more, don't talk, just go!"

"Oh, sorry," I retorted caustically, "How dare I care about you so much!" Before I had finished speaking, Ash had whiled on his heels, and I saw the red light coming for me before I registered that there was a pokeball in his hand.

He was trying to recall me?

Luckily, my reflexes were as good as they had ever been, and the beam missed me by a whole second. My first impulse was to laugh at Ash, but when I saw his face, I stopped. He looked so helpless.

"Keep saying, saying," he cried softly, "but never, you...why? Just go, go..."

"Don't you think I'm already involved?" I pointed out hopelessly, but Ash shook his head.

"Don't care, don't care 'bout that, don't want you here..." he continued to cry. "Go, just go..." His tears splashed onto the metal of the Pokeball, and it seemed deafening to me.

So I went. The door fell shut behind me and I felt the wall between me and Ash grow thicker than ever.

* * *

><p>Brock, in his infinite kindness, followed me, claiming he had some shopping that just had to get done that day. I followed him around Viridian City, too listless to be distracted, so eventually, he stopped trying. Even so, it was nice to have another body there. It was more than I deserved.<p>

I deserved to be hated. Doctor Proctor had confirmed it; I did this to Ash, and he was only going to get worse. The fact that he'd lived through that tornado didn't even matter, because I'd already killed him.

He was going to die because of me.

And the sad thing was, it wouldn't be the first time.

"Pikachu, you've got to get a grip." Brock put his hands on his hips and tried to look authoritative, staring down at the mess that was my being. I felt like a deflated Jigglypuff, probably looked like one, too. "Ash didn't blame you, so don't blame yourself." I couldn't overlook the use of the past tense. Who knew what Ash thought now? "He needs you to be strong for him, now." Oh, more guilt. Lovely. How many times had Ash stood by me through sickness and disease, delirium and amnesia. I owed it to him to take care of him now, was that it?

Well, I wasn't as strong as Ash, nor had I ever pretended to be. Our whole relationship hinged on the fact that I needed him to be strong and immovable, whether or not I admitted out loud, and whether or not he was capable of doing so. Who was going to be strong for me?

We finished shopping and returned to the hospital, meeting up with the others. Ash immediately dragged Brock back out into the city. "But I just went shopping!"

"He says he has something he wants to buy," Delia shrugged, and Ash was insistent. Finally, after some tugging and pleading, Brock relented, and the boys ran off together. I chose not to go with them.

Delia collapsed onto a bench, strength seeping from her limbs. Professor Oak joined, her, putting a friendly arm around her shoulders. "Hang in there, Delia. Your little boy is going to pull through this."

She nodded, but didn't smile. "I suppose it could be worse."

"Indeed, it could." The two were quiet for a moment, lost in their respective thoughts, until Delia spoke again.

"Can I ask you a question, Professor?"

"Anything for my favorite student." Delia looked away, clenching her fists.

"If you could switch our places," she said hesitantly, looking at her trembling hands, "Change Ash's accident with... well, would you want to?" Professor Oak was startled, but when he answered, he was completely serious.

"I wouldn't wish that fate on you, Delia," he said sadly, "But yes, I'd endure this if I could have them back with me." That seemed to satisfy Delia, and she nodded to herself. "May I ask you a question, now? If you could go back to your schoolgirl days, when you and Spencer were running amok all over my lab, is there anything you'd tell that girl to do differently? Anything you'd tell her not to do, perhaps?"

"...I guess not," she shook her head. "Maybe I'd tell her to raise her future kid with more common sense and less of a hero complex." I don't think she really meant that last part. Her voice betrayed that her heart wasn't really in that declaration, because as much as she worried for Ash's safety, she was proud of Ash. I didn't think she could honestly want to have raised Ash to any standard lower than the one he'd reached. "Maybe I wouldn't tell her to change anything..." She suddenly smirked. "No, wait, I'd tell her not to lend her bike to Silver, I _still_ haven't gotten that thing back..."

* * *

><p>When we finally returned home, Misty was waiting for us.<p>

"Pi-kachupi!" I launched myself into her arms and willed myself not to cry with relief. I was ecstatic to see her, and she responded just as warmly.

"I missed you, Pikachu!" Of course, eventually, she had to greet Ash, which meant that I had to detach myself and move to a far corner of the porch. "Hello, Ash." He just stared at her, not even returning her wave. Misty fidgeted. "Do you remember me?"

Ash didn't reply, just tilting his head to the side, and Misty sighed, "Well, that's fine. My name's Misty." She smiled broadly, while Ash continued to stare. "It's really good to see you again."

"Bike," Ash finally said, which startled Misty, but she recovered quickly.

"That's right, you stole my bike." That had been so long ago. "And then you _wrecked_ it." Misty was exceptional at holding grudges.

As always, Ash refused to act guilty. He smiled genuinely at her, and Misty moved on to Brock. "Long time no see."

"Yeah," Brock said sheepishly, "I've been wrapped up in textbooks the past few months." While they chatted, Ash kept staring at the pair of them, and I saw a small light flash behind his eyes.

"Spoons!" he cried out, as if suddenly realizing something terribly important. This revelation didn't mean anything to Brock or Misty, let alone anyone else in the party, but Ash was positively triumphant. "Spoons," he declared again, pointing at his two friends as if this one word explained something monumental, and he hummed to himself as we all entered the house.

"That was weird," Misty blurted out, and Brock just sighed.

"Trust me, that was nothing." The house was full now, and both reunions and introductions were made. With so many people, I could move a little more freely, without fear of setting Ash off. My presence bothered him less in situations like these, either because he felt protected or because he didn't notice me, though I'd been pressing my luck with him at the hospital. I wasn't sure he was willing to tolerate much more from me.

But, Ash was significantly distracted by all the other people, and once Gary came over, we had a full party going until we finally remembered what had really called us all together.

"So, how did the hospital go?" Cilan asked, which was the question on everyone's mind. Mine as well, I wanted to know the results more than anything. "Is that specialist going to be able to help?" Ash appeared to be ignoring the talk, sitting himself down on the couch and engrossing himself with the pictures in his Pokedex. Delia sat beside him and proceeded to fill everyone in.

"It looks like surgery might help stabilize his condition," she said with concealed glee. "I guess it's a new procedure, but Doctor Proctor said he was willing to try. If it works, Ash's problems won't get any worse."

"But they can't cure it?" Ritchie asked, disappointed.

"I guess not, but it will be easier to manage, at least. We're also trying him out on a new medication right now," she patted Ash's shoulder, but he didn't look up from the Pokedex, "He took some about an hour or two ago. It should reduce his symptoms a lot."

"So, if he gets the surgery and this medication works out," Misty reasoned, "Then he'll get better, right? He'll be able to live a normal life."

"Or die," Ash interjected, eyes still trained on the pictures in front of him. Awkward silence fell on the room before Delia spoke up.

"Well, yes," she admitted quietly, "There is a lot of risk. The surgery's a bit experimental, so we're still discussing it with Doctor Proctor." My optimism deflated somewhat. Ash closed his Pokedex and turned to his mother.

"Have to?" he asked in a flat tone, devoid of emotional inflection. "Do, do I have to?"

"No, Ash," his mother shook her head, "The decision is yours." Ash nodded to himself and left the room, and the rest of us looked at each other.

"Can he make a decision like that?" Ritchie finally pointed out. "Yesterday Ash told me that he was nine years old and his birthday was in March."

I thought his birthday was in May. Brock groaned, "So, what, he's delusional now?"

"Wasn't he always?" Misty smirked. Delia just rolled her eyes.

"Oh, Ash just told everyone that to try and leave on his pokemon journey a year earlier," she scoffed. "The kids here always leave on April 1st and Ash didn't want to wait a whole ten months after turning ten. He tried to convince the whole town, but his father and I made him wait the whole ten months, ten days and ten minutes." She laughed to herself. "And then he still woke up late and nearly missed the thing."

When the laughter died down, Brock got us back on the topic. "But Ash's memory is still really patchy from day to day. Do you think he's capable of deciding something like this?"

"I keep telling you, his memory's not as bad as we think it is," Cilan said, to which Ritchie didn't agree.

"He thinks he's nine."

"No, he just doesn't remember turning ten. There's a difference." If there was, no one saw it but Cilan. "Look, his memory is a mess, but I think we're over-generalizing it. I think he remembers a lot more that he can't articulate."

"It's kind of hard to believe that when you see him and Pikachu," Brock said dryly, and I couldn't help but agree.

Cilan, however, clung to his theory. "That just proves my point! He clearly remembers Pikachu, but he can't explain the missing pieces." When everyone stared, Cilan huffed. "Am I the only one who actually listens when Ash talks?"

Brock looked like he was considering Cilan's thoughts, but still wasn't convinced. "I don't know, you sure you're not reading too deeply?" Before Cilan could answer, Ash re-entered the room rather suddenly.

"Mom," he said urgently, all seriousness. "Look." He held out his right hand, but nothing happened, so Delia wasn't able to be impressed.

"I don't understand," she admitted, sheepishly, "What do you want me to see?" Ash huffed and grabbed a pen and paper, plunking himself down at the table.

"Look," he insisted again, as the pen slid across the paper making elegant loops and curves. And that's when we started to see it, in his effortless movements and perfect control. The fact that we couldn't see anything wrong was the whole point. "Doesn't hurt..."

"Oh, my..." Everyone crowded around Ash, and Delia was ecstatic, "The medicine is working then? How do you feel?" She placed a hand to Ash's forehead to check his temperature, though Ash's tried to pull away. "It doesn't hurt at all?"

"Well..." Ash looked down at his hands again, biting his lip. He shook his head, but was still grinning when he looked back up. "Better, not gone, but can write, better."

Brock clapped him on the shoulder. "That's great, now your writing practice should be a lot easier." He smiled encouragingly, "I'll bet it comes back to you in no time."

Ash didn't seem encouraged. In fact, he looked insulted. "_Can_ write," he said, irritated. "Don't need practice." Everyone sighed.

"We've been through this, Ash, you had an accident. You can't do a lot of things you used to."

"Know that," Ash shot back, "But can! Can write!"

"Is this like how you think you can read?" Gary sneered, "Because I remember you telling Snivy to use Flamethrower." Ash pursed his lips.

"Can write, can read!" he snapped, and it was Brock who stepped in to be the diplomat.

"Here, you can prove it to us," he offered, grabbing another piece of scrap paper and scribbling something down. "Read this, and then do it." Ash raised an eyebrow, but nodded, and he glanced over the paper. Then, seeming to comprehend the information, he began writing something on his own paper. Finishing triumphantly, he held up the paper and smirked at Brock.

"What did you ask?" Misty spoke up.

"I told him to write out the gyms where he got his badges. Go on, read them out," he urged Ash, who cleared his throat.

"P-pilfer, Cereal, Very, Sandstorm, Cellophane, Forest, Cinnamon, Vi-vigaroth." Ash looked proud, but the rest of us weren't so impressed.

"See, I told you," Gary sighed. "Better get in some more practice, Ashy-boy." Ash looked indignant, but Brock snuck a look over his shoulder.

"No wait, he's got it," he claimed, holding up the paper. "Pewter, Cerulean, Vermillion, Saffron, Celadon, Fushia, Cinnabar, Viridian." He grinned at Ash, "So, you can read, you just can't read out loud?" Ash shrugged.

"Did it," he said, "Told you."

"Since _how long_ have you been able to write?" Misty cried, to which Ash couldn't really give an answer. "Honestly, Ash, would it kill you to tell us stuff now and then?" Behind her, Delia was exchanging glances with Professor Oak.

"Can it come back suddenly like that?" she asked, "I _know_ he wasn't writing last week..."

"The brain is, sadly, not my specialty..."

Gary was still stuck on the challenge question. "You did not get Cinnabar Island's badge," he protested. "That gym doesn't exist!"

"Trust me, I was there," Misty sighed, "It was just hidden in the volcano."

"Or it was, until Team Rocket destroyed it."

"Are you kidding me?" Gary still didn't look like he believed it. "There was a gym that whole time?"

"Wait, how did _you_ know the answer?" Ritchie interrupted, frowning at Ash. "I thought you didn't remember any of that stuff." Ash looked surprised, but pulled the black book he and Bianca had made out of his backpack.

"Don' have to 'member," he said, tapping the cover, "Read." Cilan stepped forward.

"But you do know, don't you?" he accused, though kindly. "You might not remember a lot, but you didn't have to read that in a book to know the cities, did you?" Ash looked uncomfortable, but nodded.

"ss like..." he hesitated, unable to find words to express his thoughts, and then turned to the paper in front of him. He wrote something down quickly and handed it to Cilan. "Like that," he said, and Cilan nodded.

"'Sometimes I remember with my head, sometimes with my heart, and sometimes I know things, but don't remember them at all.'"

"How can you know things but not remember them?"

"Just do. Weird," Ash offered.

"Yeah, I bet." Very weird. Ash, apparently, could write in perfect sentences, but could not read the very same words he'd just written aloud? Nor could he form those words when using his own voice.

I wasn't the only one picking up on that oddity. "If you can write it down, why can't you just say it?" Misty asked, to which Ash cringed.

"Doesn't...boom, flies apart," he said, slightly upset at the thought. "Stupid, so, so..." he fell silent, and it was Brock who brought the conversation back.

"So, where does Pikachu fit in your memories? The head, or the heart or whatever?" Ash glared at Brock, but the older boy didn't flinch. "Seriously, Ash, I'm getting sick of watching you two fight."

"Don't wanna talk," Ash snapped, "Not that, not that."

"Couldn't you at least tell us what's going on? It's like you don't even want to be friends again!" Ash stood up and snatched the paper from Brock's hand, seething as he committed a volley of words to the paper. When he finished, he deposited it in Brock's hands.

"Done, 'k? Done. Bye." He turned around and walked up the stairs to his room, leaving us to crowd around Brock. I crept into the open, as curious as the others.

"I see," Cilan looked over the contents, seeming to understand, "It's a very complex dish, isn't it?"

"Should we show this to Pikachu?" Misty spoke up, and everyone looked at me.

"Pi!" What could he possibly have written that was worse than what he'd already said? Brock knelt down beside me and showed me the paper.

"He says that you want everything instantly," Brock said sympathetically, "And he's really mad at you right now because he thinks you're selfish and always pushing him."

"I guess we're all a little selfish," Cilan said ruefully, "We're always wanting Ash to wake up one day and be the way he used to be."

"But if no one pushes him, he won't get better at all," Misty stated pragmatically, to which Cilan didn't agree.

"I think Ash is already pushing himself as hard as he can." I continued to stare at the words on the page. So, he was mad at me, not that I really needed a written note to confirm that. But, to think I was selfish for wanting things right now?

How could I not want my best friend back every second of the day?

"I didn't realize people still wrote like that," Cilan said about the letter, while I thought this over. "Hardly anyone back home uses those symbols."

"It's pretty common around here," Brock replied, "They teach both systems in the schools. Most people can use the alphabet, too."

"That's really cool." I hadn't thought about it before, but Cilan was right; most of Unova seemed to favor the smooth, curved, modern symbols for their writing, whereas Kanto was definitely a mixture of old and new. No wonder Trip kept telling us we were from the boonies.

It was such a simple thing, something Ash had always been able to do, but knowing he could write in three different systems made me admire him just a little more. He could be so intelligent, and yet...

...all that potential was wasted, since I'd blasted apart his brain.

"I think we should go by Route 1," Misty said suddenly. "We can visit Pidgeot, and, well, that's where Ash and Pikachu started their journey, right? Maybe he'll remember something?"

"Is this the same start that involved blowing up the sky and nearly getting pecked to death by birds?" Cilan raised an eyebrow. "Don't you think that might be a bit traumatic?"

"It _is_ Ash's most important memory," Brock offered, thinking the idea over, "He treasures it."

"Yes, but now he can't talk about it without going into hysterics." Cilan shook his head. "Didn't he just tell us how he feels about being pushed?"

"It's not pushing, we're just going to walk down the road and see if anything happens!" Both sides had a point.

However, I wanted Ash back to me, and if we got him back, he'd thank us regardless of the method we'd used to do it. "Pi! Pika!"

"Okay," Misty smiled at my enthusiasm. "It's settled. Tomorrow, we're going down Route 1!"

* * *

><p>News spread fast in Pallet Town, particularly in my circles. The air hanging over the corral was ominous, and it was with trepidation that I made my way to my friends.<p>

"Hey, what's going on?" Bulbasaur looked tired when he answered.

"Oh, there's a rumor going around..." He shot a look at the other Pokemon, "And it's not worth the fuss everyone's making!"

"A rumor?"

"You've already heard it," Bulbasaur muttered, and suddenly, everyone's shifty eyes made sense. Who was the leak? Tracey? Professor Oak? Oshawott? I felt like I deserved to take a swing at somebody, since everyone was crowding around me with accusatory looks.

"Is it true?" Bayleef started, echoed by at least a dozen other voices. I decided to feign ignorance.

"I don't know what you're talking about." But no one believed that.

"Don't avoid us!" I think she would have held me down with Vine Whip if I'd tried to run. "Are you really the one who hurt Ash?"

I hated that she worded it like that. "It was an accident," I admitted nervously, and watched everyone recoil in horror.

Bulbasaur stepped up to be my advocate. "Yes, it was an _accident_," he repeated, stressing the last word. "It could have happened to anybody."

"But it didn't," Bayleef pointed out, and I flinched.

"Oh, please, it's a miracle you never broke that kid's ribs," Charizard growled, but I wasn't sure if he was defending me or not. There was a fire in his eyes that I didn't like at all. Tauros was about to add something, but Charizard blew smoke rings at the herd. "And the same goes for you."

"I think we all have a tendency to play a little roughly," Noctowl said diplomatically. "Ash as well. Therefore, it's unfair to blame each other for these sorts of things."

Buizel tossed his head, "We're not blaming Pikachu-"

"I am." That sounded suspiciously like Oshawott.

"-we just want him to start using his head. You seriously need to smarten up."

"What are you talking about? I didn't know this would happen!" Buizel ignored my protests.

"Of course you didn't, but you never think, Pikachu! And Ash is always the one who suffers!"

"Oh, and you're so much smarter?" I snapped back, unwittingly setting myself up for Sceptile's barb.

"Well, he's not the one who got Ash killed because we had to drag his lazy ass down a stupid mountain."

I wanted to murder Sceptile.

"Excuse me, but what the hell?" Bulbasaur sounded traumatized. I ignored him.

"You've sure been sitting on that one while, huh?" I sneered at Sceptile, who nonchalantly stuck a blade of grass in his mouth. "How did I know the stupid Tree was alive?"

"It shouldn't have mattered! You could have rescued your damn self in half the time it took for us to come and get you. If you'd stopped playing with Mew long enough to give a thought to that trainer who was worried out of his senses for you, maybe he wouldn't have been eaten by the mountain!"

"What the hell?" Bulbasaur tried again, but nobody answered him. I had always thought this secret would be kept amongst those unfortunate enough to have gone through it.

"And you're just bringing this up now?" I shouted. "How could any of us have known what would happen? I'm not the only one Ash has rescued, you know!"

"No, but you need to start thinking about someone other than yourself!" Charizard had butted back into the conversation, and that was the last straw.

"Oh, this is rich," I laughed, turning to face the dragon, and the other pokemon gave us a wide berth. "You're telling me to think about someone other than myself? And I suppose you're the perfect model of selflessness?"

"Okay, stop it, you two!" Quilava shouted out, backed up by Squirtle.

"I've got a Water Gun, and I'm not afraid to use it!" As if that scared either of us.

"You're so spoiled, you think the world just revolves around you, don't you?" Charizard sneered, twitching his tail in anticipation. "Well, just because Ash worships the ground you walk on doesn't mean the rest of us have to!"

"Ever think there's a reason he likes me best?" I taunted back. "You're getting after me for an accident, but everything you did to Ash, you did _on purpose!_" His eyes widened, and I knew I'd hit a nerve. "That's right, he loved you so much, and you kept tossing him aside like garbage. You're his pokemon in name only, always dropping him whenever something better comes along!" Charizard's flames had just as much potential to damage Ash as my thunder, the guy was certainly powerful enough. Who was he to put blame on me? "And after he saved your life!"

"So? He saved yours, and you still kept him begging like a dog for the next five months." Oh, he was going to pay for that...

"Please stop fighting," Boldore called out, but the two of us had begun circling each other, ready for battle like we never had before.

"You talk tough, but talk is all you are!" I called to Charizard, relishing my new-found bout of insanity. "I remember how you used to be, just a weak little lizard, always needing me to protect you." Charizard's eyes narrowed dangerously, and I knew I was close. "Crying like a baby because your trainer didn't love you anymore-"

-In a fury of orange, Charizard whipped his tail at me, and if I hadn't jumped at the last second, it would have been a K.O.

The battle had begun.

"I can't watch, I can't watch!" Oh, but they should have watched, and the brave ones did, with their mouths falling open while our titanic power clashed. Of course, no one was brave enough to step between us.

"Take this, you little rat! Fire Spin!"

"Pikaaa CHUUUUUU!" I hadn't battled in so long, let alone against an opponent as tough as Charizard. As much as I hated his guts at the moment, I had to admire his skill. I dodged another swinging tail and jumped on his back, delivering an Electric Ball to the back of his head. He responded with a Seismic Toss, followed by Fire Blast.

Counter Shield saved me for a bit, but I grew sick of defense and allowed myself to get hit by a Wing Attack so I could get up close again and start biting his arm. Charizard Body Slammed me back into the dirt, but Thunder managed to send him scrambling back a few feet.

I climbed up a nearby tree, reaching the top and leaping as high as I could into the air. "That the best you got?" I shrieked down at him, and saw his intake of breath. We were about to find out if my electricity was stronger than his fire.

"Get back! They're going to blow the whole corral apart!" The corral? Please. If that's what it took to put Charizard in his place, I was going to wipe out the planet. Charizard beat his mighty wings and took flight, head arching back as he prepared to release his attack. "Chaaaaaaaaaaa-"

"Pikaaaaa-"

"STOP IT!"

That voice brought us both back to reason, like a switch in our personalities. Only one person could command so much authority over us, and it had nothing to do with how many gym battles he'd won.

Charizard and I fell straight to the earth without any grace whatsoever, and looked up to find Ash glaring down at us.

"Idiots!" he lectured, brows furrowed and eyes intense. "Idiots! What thinking, what?" I wasn't sure if he actually wanted us to answer.

"Sorry," Charizard and I both intoned together, feeling appropriately shamed and humiliated. It suddenly struck me that I hadn't seen Charizard so humbled in years, nor had the two of us been chastised together since he was a Charmander.

It felt oddly comforting, to have Ash chewing us both out as if no time had passed.

"No more fighting," he charged, in a voice that told us he wasn't in the mood to deal with us if we dared disobey. When he turned that look on the others, I could feel their collective shrink. "All of you. Just stop it. Not..." he sighed a bit here, closing his eyes but still keeping all his irritation with us strong, "Not that stupid... me, about me, but stop it." He opened his eyes again, resolute. "All of you. Cut it out."

We all nodded and most of the others slunk away with embarrassment, but I ran forward, even as Ash flinched. "Wait! I just... I want to say I'm sorry."

Ash turned and walked away, a little quicker than he might have from any of his other pokemon. I chased after him, wanting to make this right. If he was in the mood to forgive me and Charizard for going at it like twin Primapes, maybe he'd be willing to listen to a second apology? "Would you just listen to me? I'm sorry!"

Ash stopped, but didn't turned around, and I paused a few feet from his heels. Anyone still within earshot had turned to watch this momentous occurrence, and I felt more pressure than I had bargained for. Ash had told us all not to fight, which would probably keep everyone's negative emotions on the back burner for awhile, but whether or not he would forgive me directly was the true test.

Because Ash was the only one in our circle whose opinion truly mattered. If he forgave one of us, the rest of us would learn to follow. But if he rejected me here...?

I tried to pretend they weren't all watching and judging me. "I know I'm the one who did this to you, and you know that, too. All of this happened because of me." Why wouldn't he turn around? "You're hurting, and scared, and I can't do anything to make it right, but I want you to know I'm sorry! And I'll do anything it takes for you to forgive me!" Still, not a movement, not a sound in response. "Really, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault."

"Don't care." Ash pulled his cap down, as if he needed to hide his face when his back was facing me. "Don't care, not about... any of that, don't care. Just don't fight." He began walking again, and I followed desperately.

"Pikapi!" As usual, he wouldn't turn and face me. "Please! What do I have to do to prove it to you?" Ash remained unsympathetic.

"Said, don't care," he sighed, resolutely moving forward. "So, so, cut it out." And with that, he walked off, leaving me behind in the dust.

* * *

><p>I curled up in the branch of one of the trees Charizard and I nearly decimated and tried not to cry. It wasn't hard; I was running out of tears to shed. I also tried not to think about Ash's words, "Don't care".<p>

I had less success with that.

"Hey." I turned my head to the side and tried to ignore Charizard. "You ever going to come down from there?" Hopefully, he'd get bored and go away. "You know I can fly up there, right? Or just knock the tree down."

"You're a jerk," I shot back, having lasted in my resolve for all of two seconds. Charizard had that effect on me.

He looked up at me with solemn eyes. "Yeah, I am a jerk." I was surprised, even more so when he didn't point out that I wasn't much better. "I'm sorry."

"I meant what I said," I lied to him. "You all blame me for this, but I'm not the only one who's ever hurt Ash, or the only one he's put himself in danger for." Everyone wanted someone to blame, so it was natural that they'd vent their anger out on me, but I couldn't stand up to the weight of my own hatred, let alone Ash and all my other friends combined. It wasn't fair at all.

Charizard seemed to understand how I was feeling. "Look, you know what we're all like. We fight and snipe at each other for a bit, but once we've gotten it all out of our systems, we're still as close as we always were. That's how families work."

"I thought families loved each other and always had each others' back?"

"Not mine," Charizard smirked, and I found myself chuckling a little. "It works, because of the one who's raising us. If the guardian does his job, we might still want to fight, but he won't let us break each other. The others will be mad for awhile, but Ash raised us better than this, Pikachu. This can't break you unless you let it." I mulled that over a bit.

"Very profound, for a guy who's hardly ever here." Charizard sighed.

"Look, what happened between me and the kid is between the two of us. Just like this business with you and Ash doesn't belong to anyone but you. The others don't matter; this is between you and Ash and no one else." I nodded, getting to my feet to face Charizard properly.

"Maybe, but I'd be pretty heartless if I didn't care what they think."

"Then let me tell you what_ I_ think," Charizard countered. "You're an idiot, and anyone who calls themselves your friend has a right to say so." I bristled, but he continued. "But you're_ our_ idiot, and we've kind of gotten used to that side of you. So when we're done calling you out on all your faults, you'll go back to being the lovable team captain again, just like always."

"That doesn't make it okay to pick on me."

"Well," Charizard winked, "As I'm sure you know, you're not the only idiot on this team." He looked at me encouragingly. "I'm sorry I said all those things, earlier. This will blow over, I promise."

I didn't know if I was ready to believe him, but I decided to accept his apology. "I'm sorry, too."

"You gonna come down from that tree, now?" After a thought, I jumped down into Charizard's arms, taking comfort in one of his rare hugs. "I still look up to you, you know. I might have gotten bigger, but I've always known you could jump in and kick my ass if you felt like it."

"I don't know, you've leveled up a bit since leaving for the Charicific Valley..." The amount of power Charizard had control over was getting scary. At this point, my best bet was to just not get hit.

"Oh, I found them." We both turned to see Squirtle approaching, followed by Bulbasaur. "We were going to try to get you two to make up, but I see you don't need us."

"And yet, you're still here," Charizard said dryly, but there was a welcome twinkle in his eyes. "Sorry we nearly wiped you all off the face of the earth."

"No biggie," Bulbasaur deadpanned, their collective understatement caused me to break into a fit of giggles. "Oh, good, he can laugh. I was worried you might be broken." It felt good to laugh about something properly, and I let the chuckles grow until I was rolling on the ground in mirth. "I take that back, we're locking you up in the looney bin."

"I'm fine," I wheezed, finally getting my senses back. "I just... I'm just a mess."

"Nothing we didn't already know," Squirtle said wryly. "Sorry things got out of control back there. Everyone knows this isn't really your fault. We'll just work harder to remind them of that."

"Thanks." An awkward silence fell over us, and I sensed that there was more Squirtle wanted to say. "What?"

"That thing you guys were talking about, you know, did Ash really...?" Ugh, right, we'd broken our unspoken code.

"Yeah, he died." I could almost see the gravity forcing down their shoulders like a tangible brick. "But, don't worry, he was brought back."

"Somehow, I gathered that," Charizard quipped. "Did you get the bastard that did it?"

Who, me? "Well, that was the weird thing, no one was actually trying to hurt anyone. Ash was just trying to find me, and the Tree just thought it was defending against diseases, or something like that. The whole thing was just a huge misunderstanding."

The others didn't look like they believed me. "Ash got killed over a misunderstanding?" The part where the Tree was really a sentient mountain that thought Ash was a disease was left untouched.

"It was kind of a weird couple of days..." Everybody assumed the worst, nobody trusted anyone, we all jumped to conclusions and the next thing I knew, I was staring at a spot of ground where I used to have a trainer. "I guess things aren't so different, now. I didn't mean to hurt Ash, but it looks like I was the bad guy all along."

"Pikachu, quit blaming yourself. Ash wouldn't want you to feel bad over this."

"Oh, that's right, because Ash doesn't care." Not the ideal words of comfort. "He couldn't care less about this whole thing."

"Wrong," Bulbasaur stated with authority. "Because if he didn't care, he would have told you about it from the beginning." That sunk into my head, though I wasn't sure I could make sense of it. "Think about it: He kept the whole issue a secret from you because he cares about you so much. He didn't want you to know the truth until he'd found a way to beat this thing."

A good thought, but... "He just said he didn't care about me! So, I guess he changed his mind!" The others shared a look between them.

"Pikachu," Bulbasaur said gently, "Are you sure this isn't another misunderstanding? I don't know why you keep thinking Ash hates you, when all the rest of us keep seeing an Ash who loves you more than anything else in the world."

"And where are you seeing that?" I challenged. "In the way he cries and yells at me, or the way he tells me to shut up and leave him alone?"

"Hey, I tell you to shut up and leave me alone all the time, but it doesn't mean I hate you," Squirtle joked, but I just glared at him.

"Oh, isn't it obvious? He just _wants_ Ash to hate him," Charizard rolled his eyes. "It makes it easier to hate himself." I was about to protest, but then realized that it wasn't that far from the truth. "You keep looking for signs that he hates you, so that's all you're going to see."

"Right, you shouldn't give up hope like this." I was so sick of hearing those words.

"Don't give up, keep believing, don't lose faith," I ranted. "What exactly is it that everyone expects me to do?"

"You? Please, we don't expect you to do anything," Charizard snorted.

"No offense, Pikachu, but you're not that special."

Bulbasaur's tone was less insulting. "We don't expect anything from you, but we tell you not to give up because we're expecting a lot from Ash." I wasn't sure I understood.

"From Ash?"

"Don't believe in yourself," Squirtle advised, putting on his black shades and trying to look like he was saying something impressive. "Believe in Ash, who believes in you." Bulbasaur gave him a sideways look.

"Nice speech."

"I might have borrowed it." Squirtle cleared his throat and turned to me. "You're nothing special. But Ash, he's incredible. So, don't give up."

"Right," Bulbasuar finished, "Believe in that very special Ash who never stops believing in you."

_The Ash who never stopped believing in me... _"You think that still applies?" Charizard shook out his wings casually.

"Well, I know a thing or two about having your entire world change overnight," he drawled, and we all shared a look. "First, you have to figure yourself out, then everyone else, and then, you have to find a way to fit it all together. No matter how strong you are, it's the weakest feeling in the world." I was a little surprised that Charizard was willing to share that with us. "But if I could do it, Ash definitely can. And it helps," his tone changed a little bit when he caught my eye, "To know that there's somebody loving and supporting you, and that they're going to wait for you forever. Even if you don't want them to."

"Maybe, especially if you don't want them to," Bulbasaur suggested knowingly, and Charizard just shrugged.

"Could be," he conceded. "You don't have to do anything, Pikachu, or try to be strong. You just have to wait."

"Yeah, well, we had to wait over a year for you to be our friend again," I pointed out glumly, and Charizard looked appropriately chagrined.

"Well," he finally posed, "Do you think Ash is worth the wait?"


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: 友情 愛情 根性 進化してるよ エブリデイ (Friendship, love, willpower, they're evolving everyday...)

* * *

><p>Route 1.<p>

Everything began here, and we'd built up more memories with every year that passed. Big or small, it didn't matter, because all of them were a part of me and Ash.

There was the tree where I'd watched Ash try to catch his first Pokemon and failed miserably. Which led to an altercation with a Spearow, which led to us running for our lives and a tearful bonding experience. There was also the hill where Ash and Gary had finally parted as friends and equals, and the first Rocket attack we had to fend off after Brock and Misty left.

Route 1 held too many memories for me to count, but hopefully, some of them were still alive in Ash.

"We're on the road to Viridian Ci~ty..." We all stopped short when Misty burst into song.

"Are you okay?"

"Sorry," she said sheepishly, "It was just so quiet, and it felt like something Ash would do." Ash was laughing happily, though, and he might have started humming along if Brock hadn't threatened to clock Misty one if she kept it up.

We were a party of five, Ash, Brock, Misty, Ritchie and myself, Misty's Azuril having been left home and Cilan flatly refusing to come. "I'd like it if Ash were still talking to me by the end of the day." He still maintained that this was a horrible idea, and wanted no part in it.

He might have been right, but I felt it would be wrong of us not to try. In the meantime, I tried to remember the advice my friends had given me. _Believe in Ash, who believes in you. Don't look for signs that he hates you._

Well, he kept five feet between us at all times, but he hadn't told me not to come, so I guessed that could be something.

We kept walking down the road, and I was pleased that Ash had no trouble keeping up with the pace. His new medication was really helping, though Ash still hesitated whenever the talk of surgery came up. I couldn't blame him; last time he went into an operating room, we almost didn't see him come out. But if he didn't go in for the procedure, then even this new medicine couldn't hold back the degeneration of his condition.

Still, for the moment, Ash was looking healthier. Whenever he stopped into the clinic, the doctors were always impressed. They credited the fact that Ash was in his home environment, and surrounded by his Pokemon. Pokemon, they'd said, seemed to have a healing affect on people.

Unless, apparently, you were the Pokemon who got your trainer into the mess in the first place. Then, you were mud.

Even his speech therapist was impressed with Ash's recovery, especially with the efforts Ash made to express himself. During his hospitalization, there had been fears that Ash would shut down, the difficulty of the task pushing him towards non-verbal communication or even disconnecting from the world entirely. But Ash had made gargantuan efforts to let his voice be heard, and now that he was home, his recovery was rocketing along.

As impressed as she was with Ash's willingness to speak, when asked if the boy would make a full recovery, she had hesitated. "It's likely that this is a challenge he will face for the rest of his life," we were told, "But the harder Ash works now, the smaller that challenge will be later."

And Ash worked hard, drilling words and conversations, forcing himself to read and describe the world around him and muscling his sometimes uncooperative hands into copying words onto paper. He was pushing himself in all those aspects, and when he wasn't willing to, Ritchie pushed him the rest of the way.

But no matter how hard Ash worked, the days ticked by and he still wasn't "back to normal". Was it wrong of us to hope for that?

"I can't remember, where exactly did we say goodbye to Pidgeot?" Brock asked as we appraoched the water. He looked at me, but I couldn't be sure, either. Even if I was, it's roosting place might be in another location.

"Come to think of it, Ash caught it in the Viridian Forest," Misty said dubiously. "So it could be quite a ways from here. Maybe we should have Pikachu send up some sparks and get it's attention?"

"No," Ash quickly shot that idea down, so Misty suggested that we keep walking.

"We can cross the bridge and go that way for awhile, then loop back. Hey, see that, Ash? That's the place where you and I first met!" Ash followed her gaze to the embankment. "I fished you out with nothing but an Old Rod. Not my best catch, " she teased, and Ash shoved her, good-naturally.

"Then, your bike? Took the bike?"

"Yeah, and then you took my bike," she grumbled back. "I still can't believe what you did to that thing." We walked along for a bit longer, occasionally chatting, but mostly just watching the scenery slowly pass. It was amazing how easily we slipped into the old pattern, Ash, Brock, Misty and I traveling down yet another road. The addition of Ritchie, or even the subtraction of Ash's memories, didn't seem to make a difference. It felt so natural, like nothing was wrong after all.

And then, we saw the embankment up ahead. The place where Ash had crashed Misty's bike, the place where I'd somehow K.O.'d over fifty Spearow, the place where...

Ash had stopped and refused to go any further. "Turn back," he said, already shuffling backwards. "No more, have to go."

We had stumbled upon hallowed ground. "Pikapi?"

"No, no, no, quiet," Ash whispered. "Think-thinking, can't..." He trailed off and shook his head, trying to walk away. "Can't, can't..." But Brock stopped him.

"Ash, do you know what this place is? This is where you and Pikachu first became friends, right?"

Ash looked extremely agitated, and his shaking shoulders might not have had anything to do with his physical condition. "Can't, can't do it, can't, get out, out...Have to get out..." He kept trying to push past Brock, but the older boy was hesitant to let him go, and Ritchie agreed with him.

"Try to remember what happened here, Ash!" he petitioned, though Ash looked betrayed by the suggestion. "This is really important!"

"Get out! Get out!" Ash kept saying, fear boiling up in him. "Can't do it, Can't, stop, stop, stop it!" But we were here, in the place it all began, the place that held the greatest memory I had, one that used to be important to Ash, too.

I couldn't just let this go. "Pikapi, pikachu!"

"AAAAAHHHHHH!" Ash was over the edge. He buried his face in his hands and started screaming while he backed away from me, and it took both Ritchie and Brock to grab him before he tripped and fell over the embankment. "CAN'T, CAN'T, CAN'T! TOO MUCH! DON'T! DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

"Okay, Ash, we're sorry, we'll get out of here," Brock tried to soothe, but Ash didn't calm down.

"COME AND GET ME, GET ME, COMING, MAKE IT STOP!" Not knowing what else to do, Brock pulled the boy into a crushing embrace, and Ash latched onto him desperately.

"I've got you, okay? You're safe now, nothing can get you. Just... just breathe, okay?" I think it was too late for that.

"Gonna die," Ash whispered into Brock's chest, "Coming, coming closer, I'm gonna die..."

"No, you're not. See? I've got you, Nothing can hurt you." But Ash's anxiety didn't come down, and a few seconds later, Brock was looking worried. "Guys, I think he passed out."

"Well, you're the doctor!" Or, the closest thing we had to one.

"Right..." Brock immediately set to work laying Ash down. "Here, give me your jacket, Ritchie."

Misty and I stepped back while they set to work. "I'm sorry, Pikachu," she sighed, "I really thought this would work." So did I. How could this have gotten so twisted, that our most treasured memories ended up as a source of fear?

It wasn't fair. None of this was.

I turned away from the others, needing to release my frustration. "Pikaaaaa-" When I closed my eyes, I could still see the dark sky, and the back of that little boy standing with his arms outstretched. "CHUUUUUUUUU!" If I sent enough lightening into the heavens, could I break them apart and get Arecus to re-write my whole time-line?

"Piggoooo!" The triumphant call of a bird of prey filled the air, and I saw the giant shadow appear on the ground, growing closer every second.

"Pikaa~!" I whirled around, catching my breath when I realized it was just Pidgeot. "Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" I yelled when it finally touched down. "You know I hate it when you do that!"

"And I see that you're still overcompensating for the fact that you can't aim." Pidgeot's eyes twinkled to let me know it was in jest. "Good to see you, too, Pikachu." Behind him, Ash's eyes were fluttering.

"Hey, welcome back." Brock helped Ash sit up, though Ash was more interested in staring at Pidgeot then cooperating with Brock's fussing.

"What's going on?" The question started out cheerful, but Pidgeot was getting unnerved by the way Ash wasn't running over to greet it. Pidgeot clucked and trilled a few times, but Ash continued to stare blankly. "Ash?"

"There was an accident," I sighed, giving Pidgeot an abridged version of events. "He's lost a lot of his memory, among other things..." Pidgeot listened to my tale with solemnity.

"So, he doesn't remember any of us?" it summed up after I finished, looking at Ash, who was looking back with the same curious expression.

"Well, he remembers some of the others," I had to admit, even if it made me jealous. "But it's patchy. I don't think he remembers anyone completely." I'd take being forgotten, if it were offered to me. Losing the past would hurt, but at least I'd get a chance to start anew. Abruptly, I realized that Ash might also be keeping his distance because I was around, and I moved a few feet away so he could approach Pidgeot without concern.

Pidgeot, true to form, did not miss this, but like always, chose not to comment. It was observant enough to know when to keep it's mouth shut. "Prrrrrriii," it trilled happily while Ash stroked it's glorious feathers, as cheerful as if he'd never forgotten. As jealous as I was, the sight made me smile.

"You should come back with us," I told Pidgeot. "At least for a few days, if they can spare you here. I know the old gang would really like to see you again." Pidgeot seemed thrilled at the prospect.

"Shall I call Butterfree over as well?" My heart stopped for a second.

"_Butterfree?_" Ash took notice of my elation and shuffled to the side. "You actually know where Butterfree is?"

"Of course, the mating grounds are only slightly north of here. His kids come down to terrorize Spearow when they get bored." I wasn't sure which part of that was more unbelievable.

"How does that work? We left Butterfree and he flew across the ocean..." I could still see it clearly in my mind, that cliff by the sea, only a few hours from Saffron City. Butterfree and it's mate disappeared into the setting sun...

The setting sun... westward across the ocean...

Butterfree had flown straight to Pallet Town.

"Are you serious, he's been here this whole time?" I groaned, not sure if I wanted to laugh or cry. Pidgeot did the laughing for me.

"Like I said, just slightly to the north. I showed him where the Professor's laboratory was, but you guys are never there. Usually by the time we realized you were in town, you'd already packed up and left."

"Oh, man," I groaned again, picturing Pidgeot and Butterfree running all over Route 1, trying to catch up with me and Ash. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be, we always figured he'd find us whenever he needed to." Like now? "Give me a few minutes, I'll be back with Butterfree."

"A few minutes? Are you that fast-" With a mighty beat of it's wings, Pidgeot was off like a jet. "Show off."

Ash watched Pidgeot fly off, waving excitedly. "So cool!" he gushed, the majesty of Pidgeot making him oblivious to me. "Wow!"

I could be cool, too, not like he'd ever notice. I resolved to find a warm rock and just wait for Pidgeot to return.

Which ended up, as Pidgeot predicted, only being a few minutes. "Wow, that's fast," Misty quipped when we saw the two winged pokemon approaching. Ash watched for a second, then his eyes widened and he pushed past her.

"Butterfree!" he shrieked, jumping up and down, causing Brock to fret.

"Take it easy, Ash!"

"Here, I'm here! Butterfree!" Butterfree put on an extra burst of speed and torpedoed into Ash's arms.

"Frrrreeeeeeeee!" He nearly took the poor kid out, but the two were all laughs and happy smiles, so it seemed no harm was done.

"Oh, that's not fair," I sighed as Pidgeot perched next to me.

"Well, is it that weird that he'd remember the first pokemon he caught?" I sharpened my evil eye.

"I'm his starter." Pidgeot was silent after that.

Even so, I was too happy to see Butterfree again to be jealous for long. "Get over here, you!" The first two months of our journey, it had only been the three of us, lost in forests and beating down Team Rocket. For a brief moment, the world was nothing but me, Pidgeot and Butterfree playing, laughing and reuniting.

And for that brief moment, I didn't even care what Ash was thinking.

* * *

><p>"And midway through the battle, I realized that the leader of the crazy Pidgey tribe was the same Pidgeotto that tried to eat me all those years ago," Butterfree finished his tale for us, the original team of six. "So, we both cried for a bit, and called a truce. We've been good neighbors ever since. Pidgeot's been there for all my kid's evolutions."<p>

"And sometimes we get together to beat down the Fearow if they get too unruly." Butterfree shuddered.

"Seriously, those guys are out of control." Pidgeot ruffled it's feathers.

"You're telling me. But, birds have to eat."

"You don't eat Bug-types anymore," Butterfree pointed out, but Charizard interrupted him.

"Pidgeot's been trained. Once you travel with a trainer, eating fellow Pokemon doesn't look so appealing." We all looked at him suspiciously. "What? _I _never did! I just scare the senses out of the local Sentret," he smirked evilly to himself.

Butterfree tilted his head. "By the way, is there something different about you? Did you get taller?"

"I evolved, wise guy."

"I know! You changed your hair, didn't you?" Charizard snorted.

"Listen, Bug-"

"I'm just teasing! Congratulations." The dragon was appeased. "So, you're training in Jhoto, and Squirtle's back with the Squirtle Squad. So that just leaves Pikachu and Bulbasaur traveling with Ash?"

"Pretty much, but now, I spend most of my time as King of the Lab," Bulbasaur said proudly. "I rule this corral with vines of iron." We laughed for a bit, but a serious look started to make it's way onto Butterfree's face.

"It's weird," he commented thoughtfully, "We were all so worried that he'd abandon us, but in the end, most of us abandoned him..." We all shared looks between ourselves, not liking it put that way. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that as bad as it sounded. It's just..."

"I know what you meant," Bulbasaur assured, and no more was said about it. We moved on to the topic of Butterfree's family. "Are they okay with you taking off like this?"

"Pink's fine with a short trip away, especially if it's to see my old trainer. I think she's always expected that I'd rejoin Ash now and again," Butterfree answered. "And my kids are all grown. Two of them are on Pokemon Journey's of their own now."

"Look at you, you old man..." Squirtle said with admiration.

"Watch it."

"Are you fine with that?" Bulbasaur asked with concerned fascination. "I mean, you don't know where they are, or if they'll ever come home. Isn't that hard?"

"Sometimes," Butterfree admitted, "But, you know, I went on one, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm really glad for them." I had been with Ash for so long, I hadn't given much thought to what things were like on the other side of the pokeball. Had my parents even noticed I was missing? Had they wished me well, like Butterfree, or just written me off and abandoned me for dead? "It's the pokemon that chooses the trainer, I kept telling them, so make sure you choose a good one," Butterfree continued, "If they got one half as good as Ash, then I'm not worried at all."

"Do you really believe that?" I but in, thoughts still somewhere else. "That the pokemon choose the trainers?"

"Don't you?"

"It's a little different for starters," Charizard told Butterfree. "It's more like... I don't know, destiny, I guess."

"Huh." Bulbasaur leaned in, interested, while Squirtle nodded a bit to himself.

"But you're not with that trainer anymore," Pidgeot pointed out gently. "So, how can it be destiny?" Charizard furrowed his brows thoughtfully.

"I don't know, but the moment you first step out the door with that kid... It's terrifying, realizing that you've got to make your way in the world, and you don't know what to do." Yeah, that sounded slightly familiar. "So you look up to this kid you're with, and see that he's more scared and clueless than you are. But," Charizard continued, "He looks down at you and realizes that you're depending on him. You get to see the look on his face as he realizes that he's nothing, and you're everything. And then, you see him try to become something for you, try to be someone you can look up to. You're there when he's nothing but a speck of dust in the universe, and by his side when he takes his first step as a man. That's destiny." We all stared in awe.

"Sheesh, did you get a lobotomy?" Butterfree joked. "You're definitely not the little Charmander I left behind."

"Yeah, yeah," Charizard huffed. "But what I mean is, Damien was destiny, I wouldn't give up that first day for anything. But after, you know, things went south, Ash was definitely my own choice."

Destiny.

It had a nice ring to it.

* * *

><p>"I wish you didn't have to go, Brock. I just got here," Misty sighed, munching on her sandwiches despondently. "I feel like I never see you anymore."<p>

"I'm sorry, I've just been-"

"Busy, I know," she waved him off. "Just hurry up and pass your medical exams already. Then you can remember what it's like to have a life." Ash had run off to eat lunch with Butterfree, leaving the rest of us crowded around the table to finish off his sandwiches. "It's like those two never spent a day apart."

"I know, they just picked up right where they left off." I stuffed more fruit into my mouth and tried to ignore the talk. It was wonderful, but also a little weird for me.

Speaking of weird things... I felt a prickling feeling on my neck. "Pi?" I turned around suddenly to find myself face to face with Corphish. "Oh, no-"

"Cor-Cor! Now, Ludicolo!" I found my vision blurred by a mess of confetti, and heard the sound of maracas in the background.

"Aw, you guys got confetti in our food!" Brock complained, and I tried to shake pieces of paper out of my fur while Corphish giggled. "And quit stealing my maracas!"

"Well, quit bringing your stupid maracas everywhere," Misty muttered, picking confetti gingerly off her sandwich.

"You never know when they'll come in handy." I finally straightened up and fixed Corphish with a glare.

"Seriously, this has got to stop," I told him sternly, but the lobster just looked at me with wide, innocent eyes.

"Did it work?" Corphish, apparently upset by the way everyone ganged up on me yesterday, had apologized and declared that he was making it his personal mission to cheer me up. Some of his schemes, however, were actually backfiring.

But, it was still sweet. "Yeah, it worked. I'm smiling, aren't I?" I plastered on a fake grin and hoped it was convincing enough. "So, you can stop now."

Corphish just scuttled away mischievously. "Oh, no, just you wait! You're definitely going to be surprised next time!" Good grief... I plunked myself back onto the table and moaned. First everyone hated me, and now I was going to be driven mad by their kindness?

But now that Corphish and Ludicolo had gone and the confetti had been swept away, lunch resumed as before. "I think it's really cool that you're going to be a Pokemon Doctor," Ritchie picked up the conversation where it had been left.

"Thanks, but, I've still got a long way to go," Brock said modestly. "To be honest, sometimes I wonder if I'm really cut out for this."

"Well, all the practice you've had should count for something," Misty encouraged. "You're going to be great. I'll bet all the training to be a breeder is really helpful."

"It is," Brock agreed, "It's just knowing all the technical stuff that's bogging me down."

"Well, the difficult dreams are the only ones worth chasing." Brock's smile fell from his face.

"Yeah, I guess," he sighed, moving to the window. We all watched him curiously.

"Something wrong?"

"I don't know, I just... It is my dream, to be a Pokemon Doctor, even more than I ever thought I wanted to be a breeder. But..." Brock sighed again, leaning against the wall when he turned back to us. "When I first traveling with you, Misty, I really liked that the two of you looked up to me. It wasn't like being at home, because you guys were a bit older and I could leave anytime I wanted. I guess I liked being needed."

"I think that's normal," Cilan said, but Brock wasn't done with his tale.

"When I came back to Hoenn, it was really weird, because I thought everything would be just like it was before, but you and Ash were so much more mature. I felt less like Ash was my kid brother, and more like we were equals." He smiled to himself. "It was great, actually, but then I traveled with him in Sinnoh, and I saw that all my friends were growing up, but I was staying the same. Sometimes, I worry that I decided to study medicine so Ash would have to look up to me again."

"That's not so weird, I hated that the two of you had dreams and I was just a water pokemon trainer. When I went back to the gym full time, I felt like I was finally your guys' equal." Misty argued, but Brock seemed really upset by this.

"Well, I do everything better than Ash now, so I guess I should be pretty happy," he said bitterly. Cilan tapped his chin in thoughtful contemplation.

"Isn't it interesting, how Ash is an essential ingredient in our lives?" he posed. "We've met so many people in our travels, but Ash makes a lasting impression."

"Well, he's pretty cool," Ritchie said, clearing away his dishes. "Kind of hard to forget someone like that."

I had to agree. Ash was one of a kind, like no one I had ever met, or was likely to meet again. I just wished that we could have been so unforgettable in his mind.

"Well, I guess it's that time," Brock sighed, having prolonged his goodbyes as long as he could, and gathered up his rucksack and went hunting for his Ludicolo. I would be sad to see him go. Brock might have felt like he needed to push himself further, but for my part, I had always looked up to him, and I knew Ash felt the same way. We always believed in him.

When it came time to say goodbye to Ash, the younger boy thrust some cutlery into Brock's hands. "Spoons," he said, "Be safe, k?"

"What the...?" Brock looked down at the spoon and fork he'd been given. "What's this for?"

"Oh!" Ash darted back into the house, and hurried out with a small boxed lunch. "Forgot. Here, spoons, food. There..." He grinned up at Brock, who was just starting to understand. "Miss you, but, thanks, you know, being here..."

Brock reached out and ruffled Ash's hair. "Haven't you learned by now? I always come back." He grinned while Ash yelped. "You just take care of yourself, got it?"

"Got it." They shook hands, but after a second, changed their minds and hugged.

"I've got to stop cooking with onions," Brock sniffled as he headed off. "Stupid stuff always gets in my eyes, yeah, onions..."

* * *

><p>"Well, we've tried the traumatic method," Cilan declared, having cornered me in the kitchen. The rain had started pouring shortly after Brock left, confining Ash to the house. At Cilan's request, the other guests had vacated the living room, leaving Ash alone at the coffee table, attempting to build a house of cards. "So, let's try my way, now!" He rubbed his hands and struck a pose. "It's Reconciliation Tiiiiiiime!"<p>

"Oh, good grief, is he always like this?" Misty made a face, but Cilan, as always could have cared less.

"Pikachu, there's your target," he pointed through the kitchen door to Ash, hopefully oblivious to any plotting that may have been going on behind his back. "Now, try to think of Ash as a wounded pokemon. You have to approach him gently and gain his trust." I suddenly got an image of Ash in a Mr. Mime costume. "So, just go in there and don't do anything. Just be there."

"Wait, your plan is to do nothing?" Ritchie interrupted. "How's that supposed to help?"

"Think about it," Cilan said, "Ash is always asking Pikachu to back up, wait, or be quiet, and it's the one thing none of us have ever thought to try. So, let's let Ash decide the boundaries and make the first move."

He was just going to tell me to leave, and Ritchie said as much, to which Cilan frowned. "Then leave." I was dubious, but Cilan was insistent. "We're always saying we care, but how often do we completely ignore everything Ash asks? Maybe he'll get used to you quicker if he knows you're actually considering his feelings."

I felt like Buizel was lecturing me again. But Cilan was right, I was used to face-on conflict resolution when I fought with Ash. Maybe I needed a new approach?

I looked out again at the boy in the living room, wincing when a small flash of lighting crackled. Not because I was scared of it, but because Ash had jumped out of his skin.

"Maybe this isn't the best time?" Ritchie frowned, "He looks so nervous." But Cilan was of another opinion.

"His nature retches at the taste, and yet, he's continuously drawn to the dish." Cilan looked positively devious. "No, this is the best time."

"His hands are shaking." Misty's observation was correct; that house of cards kept tumbling to the ground. "Do you think he's scared, or something else?"

"I don't know, sometimes I think that medicine has a mind of it's own," Ritchie sighed. "Seriously, it just kicks in whenever it feel like it."

"Better than the old stuff, at least this stuff _does_ kick in, eventually." Meanwhile, Ash had started another attempt at a card house. With his shaky, unreliable hands, he wouldn't be able to construct something that delicate, yet here he was, trying to do something we all knew couldn't be done.

I loved him so much.

I tiptoed into the room, slowly approaching the couch. It didn't take long for Ash to see me, and we both froze, several seconds stuck in time while ice formed between us.

I was the first to react, stretching myself casually and hopping up onto the arm of the couch. I curled up as if my intention was to take a nap, and though Ash watched me warily, he didn't say a word. Eventually, he turned back to his task.

So, what now? I waited as the minutes ticked by, almost finding myself drifting off to sleep for real while Ash concentrated on building a fragile structure with the weather distracting him. Every time I moved to do something, I caught sight of Cilan in the kitchen, waving at me to stop. So, I stayed where I was, even though I knew it wasn't getting me anywhere.

A whole hour passed, and I was about to give up and throw this whole plan out the window, when Ash spoke.

"Hey." I blinked, looking around to see if he was talking to me. In the kitchen, Cilan looked triumphant. "C'm'ere..."

It was a miracle, but Ash's tone so businesslike that I wasn't sure if I should be happy about it. But I obeyed the command, and sat on the table across from him. He reached for his black book and began thumbing through the pages, and I noticed that he'd begun writing notes all over the pages. Since proving that he could write, and that his medicine didn't make it so difficult, Ash had begun writing more, to the point where Delia had suggested Ash start keeping a journal. Despite what I would have expected, Ash had actually taken to the idea quite well.

"This." Ash found the page he was looking for, and pushed the book across to me. The picture he'd drawn was a familiar sight, a messy sketch of the night sky, with storm clouds and lightning behind the silhouettes of several bird pokemon. "This, important to you, to you, right?"

I nodded, while Ash tapped the page silently. "Okay," he said at length, closing up the book and moving it away. "Understand, okay."

And this meant what, exactly? "Pikapi?" Ash flinched back a little, and I regretted saying anything. I took a step backwards myself, hoping that would make him relax.

It didn't, but he had more to say. "Look," he reached for the cards, scooping up the deck and straightened it into a neat stack on the table. "Me," he said pointedly, looking only the stack. "Everything, everything in order." I nodded, willing myself to be patient and wait for the point, because if he was going out of his way to connect with me, he must have one. "All memories, all together." How he used to be. I ignored the obvious joke about how Ash had never really been playing with a full deck.

Without another word, he reached out and struck the stack of cards, sending them flying every which way. "Me, now," he said quietly. "Memories got lost, got lost." 'Lost' is the nicest way of putting it. That building collapsed around us, and Ash crumbled like the house of cards he had been attempting to build all afternoon.

"But," he continued, reaching out for a few cards that remained scattered on the table. "Some cards..." He held up the three cards he'd collected. "Still here. Understand, you understand? Still have them." He looked down at the cards in his hands. "Not much, but, have them, I have them. Not, not lost." I wanted to reply, but I wasn't sure I could follow. Maybe all his memories hadn't been lost, but he'd forgotten all the important ones, and the ones he still had were apparently not that good.

"Not good enough, huh?" I wasn't quick enough to contradict him; he was up from the table and walking away before I had a chance to react, and even when I called after him, I could see that the moment was over.

"Pikapi!" But Ash didn't turn around.

Cilan, however, saw this as a success. "You do realize that you just spent over an hour with Ash without fighting? You actually got to talk a bit, isn't that fantastic?" No, not fantastic. I wanted to be able to talk back to him, to laugh and play freely. I didn't want to work and scrape and grovel for every scrap of what might be affection.

It wasn't good enough. If I said so, everyone would just tell me that I was impatient, or ungrateful, but I couldn't help it. I missed Ash, and the way things were, and I wanted it all back.

"Who knows, next time, it might be even easier." I wanted to believe that, I really did, but I wasn't the patient type, but the 'run in and shock the problem until it went away' type. "Just give it a little time, Pikachu, I know it will get better for you."

But, in a day or two, Ash would probably forget about this, and be back to avoiding me. I was reaching the end of my rope. "Pika-" I stopped suddenly, feeling a familiar prickling on the back of my neck.

Someone was sneaking up on me?

"Enough, already, Corphish!" But, when I whipped around, it wasn't Corphish obscuring my vision, but another red object.

I was face to face with a bottle of ketchup.

Slowly, I followed the neck of the bottle upwards, continuing on from the hand to the arm, to the shoulder to, finally, the face. Ash was staring back at me, nearly petrified while our eyes locked. Those wide brown eyes, staring straight into mine, vulnerable and determined at the same time.

Time stopped and warped, like we were suddenly out in the rain and covered with mud. Not ketchup between us, but a pokeball, the stakes higher than they'd ever been, life or death hanging the balance, and fragile relationship deciding our fates.

"S-sss-sor-ry," Ash stammered out, and then he bolted.

I didn't call him back. I just dropped my head against the ketchup bottle and cried.

* * *

><p>"But, what does it mean?" I kept following Bulbasaur and Butterfree around Professor Oak's lab, as it was still raining too hard to be comfortable outside. I'd had some trouble finding the other pokemon, as all of them had taken shelter in various places, some even returning to the comfort of their pokeballs. But I'd finally found two of my friends with the Professor and proceeded to use them as my sounding board. "Come on, what do you think?"<p>

"It's late Pikachu, we're tired," they both moaned. "Why don't you just go to bed? You look like you haven't slept in weeks."

That's what it felt like. "I don't really sleep well without Ash," I muttered for an explanation, then felt embarrassed when I realized Butterfree was staring at me.

"So, uh, when was the wedding?" he asked with a strange look, "And why wasn't I invited?" Bulbasaur started laughing.

"Oh, you missed a lot, they share a sleeping bag now," he chortled with a teasing look at me. "All wrapped up in each other's arms..."

"Okay, you don't have to make it weird," I snapped, and they both burst into another round of laughter.

"Sorry," Butterfree said between chuckles, "I just remember you used to be all "I don't need people, Ash isn't my master, no one tells me what to do!"" He snickered at my sour face. "And now you're so close. It's just cute, that's all."

"Whatever. So, the letter he wrote, what do you guys think about it?

When I tried to ask Ash about it later, he told me he wanted me to go. He was furiously insistent; he didn't want me around. And after Cilan was so sure that we were making progress.

There had been a note, though, attached to the ketchup bottle:

_Pikachu, _

_I bought this in Viridian. Sorry I yelled at you then._

_I'm really angry with you right now. I don't know about the rest, what I feel about you is complicated._

_So please stop asking me._

_Right now, I have a lot of stuff in my head that's messed up. I have a "phobia" or whatever, I don't get it, but I guess you're a part of it, and I'm having trouble making sense of that. But I think you already knew about this, so it really doesn't help to have you terrorizing me all the time. And, anyway, there's other stuff, too._

_But, in my head, I was always fighting for you. That's one thing I remember clearly._

_If you were worth fighting for then, then I guess you're worth fighting for now. Right now, I don't know what made you so important, but if I cared that much, then, I want to have that back. I'll fight for you every day, but stop fighting against me. I'm working as hard as I can, and I know that's not good enough for you, but you'll just have to put up with it. You're not the only one who has Pokeballs they just can't go into._

_I know I've never let go of you. I don't need to remember, I know that's true. I'll probably forget half of this tomorrow, but I'll never not know that._

_I seriously don't care how this happened, or what you had to do with it. You don't have to say you're sorry, because I already know you are. I don't care. So let me deal with this at my own pace, and just wait for me. _

_If you're really my friend, then what are you so worried about?_

"I don't like that bit, 'if you're really my friend', what if he decides he doesn't want me anymore?" I continued nervously, thinking over the contents of that letter and feeling both elated and terrified. "And saying he doesn't care, that's-"

"Oh, good grief, shut _up_, Pikachu!" Both Butterfree and I were a bit startled when Bulbasaur just flipped out. "I really can't take this anymore! It's like you're _trying_ to find reasons to be miserable!"

I was a little hurt by his words and expression. "I just want to know what I'm supposed to do-"

"No one expects you to do anything!" Bulbasaur ranted. "No one _wants _you to do anything! Get it through you're head, _everything is not always about you_!" I wasn't sure how to react.

"I never said it was," I began timidly, but Bulbasaur scoffed, and Butterfree backed him up.

"Okay, whatever's going on between you and Ash, doesn't actually have anything to do with you. He gets nervous around you, sure, but it's not because you, yourself are doing anything to him."

"Even Ash gets that, I don't know how many times he has to tell you he doesn't care about the Thundershocking thing before you believe that he _actually doesn't care!_"

"Yeah, but I'm just some picture in a book to him!" I defended myself. "He doesn't know me, or love me, and if I wasn't in his face all the time, he wouldn't even think of me! And," I mumbled as an afterthought, "I guess that would make him happy."

"Not according to that note," Butterfree said, and Bulbasaur nodded.

"He's actually going through the trouble of writing you one, for starters. You do realize that there are some of us he doesn't remember at all?" At my guilty face, Bulbasaur relented a bit. "Look, we get that this sucks, but he's trying so hard. He hasn't been fighting against you, he's been fighting _for _you, all this time."

"But, if I leave him alone, he's going to forget about me," I was certain, and they sighed.

"Does everything have to be so black and white? Besides, if I had a friend willing to go so far for me, I'd be willing to at least try things his way." I was still unsure. "Look, Ash seems pretty determined not to forget you, no matter what. So, maybe you could give him a little credit?"

"You think he really wants to be my friend again?" I asked hopefully, but was taken back by their expressions of shock.

"So, explain to us how this works in your world," Bulbasaur looked like he'd stepped into an episode of The Psyduck Zone. "Is every day just this joyous rediscovery?"

"Huh?"

"How do you not see it?" Butterfree flapped his wings in an irritated matter. "Honestly, I'm starting to wonder why Team Rocket was so obsessed with you. As far as I can tell, Ash is the only person in the world who would actually want you." I protested, but they weren't done cutting me down to size. "Pikachu, your Thundershocks gave Ash an incurable medical condition that is going to _kill _him if he doesn't go in for some risky surgery. And yet, he keeps telling you that he doesn't care."

"He has amnesia, so he barely remembers you," Bulbasaur continued, "But instead of giving up and starting his life over, he says he's going to work as hard as he can to sort himself out and be your best friend again."

"You terrify him, but he's chosen to fight that instead of get rid of you. You don't listen to him at all, and lately you've just antagonized him, but he still thinks you're worth putting effort into."

"He bought you a bottle of ketchup," Bulbasaur finished with a sour look. "Do kids usually do that for the monsters under their beds? He doesn't bring _me_ anything. Forgive me if it's hard to be sympathetic right now, but you're seriously an idiot."

"I..." Having it all spelled out like that, I did feel like an idiot. But it was one thing to know all those things, and another to believe that they were true. "I know, but it doesn't feel like..."

"Pikachu," Butterfee said kindly, fluttering to the ground. "I know it goes against your nature, but you've got to quit fighting it and accept it. There is no limit to Ash's love for you. That's what we all see that you don't. He will never stop loving you, no matter what happens."

"But I don't want him to!" I finally said, giving a voice to the real source of my confusion. "I don't want him always putting my life above his, or forgiving me when I don't deserve it, that's not how things work!" Was that what had been bothering me all this time? "He loved me, before I did anything to deserve it!" Bulbasaur sighed.

"You know, I'm getting really tired of being your psychologist," he told me. "But all right, Ash's love is deeper than the ocean and purer than fallen snow, and you feel inferior because you couldn't measure up to that from the very beginning, is that it?"

"I don't think Ican_ever_ measure up to that," I confessed. "You guys got it right earlier, I'm an idiot. He's always going to be fighting for me, running into danger for me, and loving me so perfectly, and I'm... I'm never going to be able to match that. I'm not perfect, I have limits, so... so when he says he can't remember why I'm so important, I'm worried that he'll discover that I never was at all."

"But, isn't that why you chose Ash as your trainer in the first place?" Butterfree asked. "Or, whatever, call it destiny if you want," he amended when I looked at him funny. "There's a reason Pokemon and Humans started training together, and that reason is, it works. You've come a long way since I last saw you, so have a little faith in your trainer's ability to do his job. You never had to be important, because he's the one who makes you important." That sunk in, though I usually didn't like to think of Ash as my trainer as much as my friend.

Even so, what Butterfree said made sense. "I'm off to bed," Bulbasaur yawned. "Try not to over-think this, Pikachu, and things will probably look clearer in the morning." He and Butterfree went off to find a place to sleep, and I wandered around the lab, not sure if I was ready for that yet.

They were absolutely right, Ash had proven that I was still in his thoughts, and that he was willing to try and get our friendship back. It was just so hard to wait. And a part of me did want to prove Ash could hate me, because that was normal. I would know what to do in those sorts of situations.

Before meeting Ash, I didn't believe anyone could love someone so completely. Love was always conditional, it had limits. I tried to put conditions on our friendship, but I quickly learned that there weren't any, there wasn't any limit to this.

But just because you knew something didn't always make it easy to understand, or to put faith in.

"Shhsh!" I heard a sound and some whispered voices coming from the room nearby, and since I was sure Oak wasn't up so late, I decided to go and check it out.

I peeked around a door into the dark room that housed row upon row of pokeballs. "Butch, some of these are empty! I thought you said this would be a good haul!" Oh, no, not them...

"It's raining, so I figured most of the pokemon would go back to their pokeballs," Butch replied, and I caught a glimpse of his face. It really was that dumb grunt unit. "Who cares if one or two are empty? Just shove them all in the bag! The old guy keeps lots of strong pokemon at this lab."

"Okay, but hurry before someone catches us!" Too late for that.

"Pi-pikachu!" Butch and Cassidy turned to face me, surprised, but not intimidated.

"Oh, you're gonna defend this lab all by yourself?" they taunted, "What a brave little mouse!"

"Pika-CHUU!" They weren't so patronizing after that, and dropped their bag of loot, pokeballs rolling all over the place. I used my tail to knock most of them into the hallway, trying to see if there were any I could recognize that I could call for backup.

I was about to open Totodile's pokeball when I suddenly recognized the one next to it and stopped short. It wasn't a good time to be distracted, but the pokeball with the little lightning bolt on it caused all other thoughts to fly from my mind.

If it was here, then Ash didn't have it with him. I wasn't one of the six in his traveling party.

I had never not been part of the team, but then again, when we were home, those rules were a little bit lax. It shouldn't have worried me like it did.

But that distraction was long enough for Butch and Cassidy to throw a net over me. "Pika!" Totodile's pokeball rolled far away from me, my window of opportunity shot.

"Raticate, Hyper Fang! Then Sratch!" Niether of those attacks were terribly powerful, but being as I couldn't dodge, Raticate could steadily wear me down.

Not that I was going without a fight. "PikaCHUUUUUU!"

"AAARGH!" Butch fell backwards into a shelf, hard enough that his next steps were dizzy and disoriented. And it served him right, but I couldn't feel happy for long, because his crashing caused one of the crates to become dislodged. It fell to the floor, promising to crush anything unfortunate enough to get caught underneath it.

But my pokeball was still on the floor. I saw the heavy weight falling, and noticed where it would land, and began to panic. "Pika!" I had never loved that thing so much as I did then, about to lose it, but there was nothing I could do but watch the space between it and an obliterating mass grow smaller. "Pikachu!"

The crate slammed into the ground, and I heard the sickening crunch of metal.

It didn't stand a chance.

"What's going on? Who's there?" Tracey's voice carried in the distance, growing closer. Butch and Cassidy began to panic.

"Time to get out of here!" Cassidy hissed.

"But what about the pokemon?"

"We don't have time! Just grab that Pikachu and let's go!" I had no intention of going with them, and let them know with a thunderbolt. But...

"Super Fang, now!" I had taken one too many attacks full on, and felt a familiar weakness coming over me.

"No..." I tried to stay with it, tried to fire off one more attack, but it was futile, and the last thing I saw was Raticate gloating beside that stupid, ugly crate.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: No Time To Question My Moves

* * *

><p><em>I woke up to find myself alone by Ash's pillow, my trainer having slipped away from camp. I stretched a little and looked around, noticing him perched on a rock a few feet away. He was staring up at the comet, mesmerized by it's light.<em>

_I trotted over and hopped up into his lap. "PiKa?"_

"_Just making a wish," he answered. "I never bought that dreamcatcher thing, but, if I make a wish every night, it shouldn't matter, right?" I wasn't sure, but it made sense. It was the wishing that was important, not May's trinket._

_Had he been wishing every night, then? "PikaChu?" I asked, and Ash pulled me closer._

"_What am I wishing for? It's a secret." Why did I even ask? This was Ash; he was probably just wishing that we'd win a league conference this year. _

_Ash grinned down at me. "Why don't you make a wish, too? The comet only comes every thousand years." But, I reminded him, I hadn't been wishing all these nights, and anyway, I couldn't think of anything to wish for. Even with Butler's betrayal weighing us down, things were perfect, as long as Ash and I were together. "Come on, just try. Everyone should have at least one wish." Placating him, I closed my eyes and thought of the thing that would make me happiest. _

"_I wish that you and I will be together like this forever."_

_Around me, Ash's arms stiffened. "You know, if you tell people your wish, it won't come true..." I was about to laugh, except he seemed serious. As Ash was rarely serious if he could help it, I turned around to face him properly._

_There was pain buried in his eyes, and a great deal of sadness. "Pikachu, I-I need to tell you something..." I waited patiently, with an encouraging smile, but just as Ash opened his mouth, he seemed to suddenly change his mind. _

"_Ahh, it can wait," he laughed and started tickling me behind the ears. "I'll tell you after we get Jirachi back to Forina." If I wasn't dying from laughter, I might have pushed a little harder on the issue, but it didn't seem important, and Ash was doing an excellent job at distracting me from it. "Don't worry, your wish will come true," he said as he hugged me. "You and I are gonna be friends forever..."_

* * *

><p>I woke up with a splitting headache, and my first thought was that we must have lost to Gary again. However, as my senses slowly returned to me, I remembered intercepting Butch and Cassidy, and could make out the metal bars of a cage.<p>

"Pika!" I lept to my feet and rammed into the bars of a cage. It was dark where I was, too dark to make out much, and the bars refused to give way. I backed up a step, but felt more bars behind me; not enough room for me to use iron tail.

I was stuck. "PikaCHUUU~!" My thunderbolt wasn't likely to do much, but I gave it a try, anyway. The last thing I remembered was being thrown into that sack. Did Professor Oak see who had taken me? Was anyone able to track where we had went?

Had they noticed I was missing?

"...PIKAPI!" The thought overcame me that Oak might not have noticed that I had been taken, and while surely my presence would be missed, with the way Ash and I were fighting, they might not question it if I disappeared for long lengths of time. As for Ash himself, out of sight was out of mind.

Was anyone going to rescue me? "Chaaa~!" There didn't seem to be much point in attacking the bars of the cage, so I curled up into myself, noticing that it was cold in this place. Even though I shivered, the cool air did soothe my headache a bit, and I let my head rest against the metal floor while I tried to come up with a plan.

Generally, that wasn't my strong suit. I wasn't stupid, I could strategize, but it was always my first instinct to attack, whether or not it was the most advisable course of action. Ash had lectured me about it on more than one occasion. "One day you're going to come up against something you can't just blast into oblivion, and then what are you going to do?"

"Isn't that what you're here for?" I'd responded cheekily, but Ash had been right, and in time, both of us learned a thing or two about strategy. Even so, I still defaulted to overloading things with electricity when problems needed to be solved, if Ash were not commanding me in a pokemon battle. Once, I'd even compromised a hostage situation, which made Ash more than a little ticked at me, but I maintained that it was more preferable that those pokemon know to never mess with us again, and spread the word to their friends. It was how I'd survived before meeting Ash.

And it was why I was always alone before meeting Ash.

My neck was starting to itch, and I noticed that something was around it. Surprised, I lifted my head and began pawing and scratching at it. It was some sort of metal, but I couldn't tell what it was for.

Meanwhile, the door opened. "Is the Pikachu up yet?" I abandoned the strange contraption and began hissing. Oh, I was awake, and the whole world was going to know it.

People. Two humans clad in the black Rocket uniform, followed by a Machamp and an Empoleon. I was in Team Rocket's possession now, so, was this their main base? Or someplace else entirely?

"Get me out of here," I growled as threateningly as I could, but they paid me no mind.

"Finally! The boss has been waiting for it to come around." The grunt hefted my cage by a small handle and started lugging me out of the room.

"Watch it!" his partner warned, "That Pikachu looks ready to fry anything that looks at it funny!" Oh, I was ready to do so much more than that, but when I released my attack, it did nothing to the man.

The grunt carrying me laughed. "Relax, it's a faraday cage. None of the electricity can leave, this little one's just gonna exhaust itself trying." He looked down at me, leering menacingly. "You won't get out of here, no matter what you do."

That wouldn't stop me from trying, and I continued to raise hell all the way to the boss' office, where the grunt threw my cage down in disgust. "Little rat!" He kicked my cage with a sneer, and I snarled back.

"Now, now," a familiar voice said. "There are better ways of teaching lessons..." My hair stood on end. The boss, they had said. I'd been kidnapped by Team Rocket, and they'd brought me to their boss...

"PIKAPI!" For the second time, I cried out his name, though I knew Ash couldn't hear me. We had met this man before, and I knew he wasn't someone to trifle with. As I'd suspected, the man with the voice of evil stepped from the shadows, suit impeccable and his arms folded casually while his Persian began pawing at my cage. "PikaCHU!"

"Calling for your trainer won't work," the leader of Team Rocket said easily, hands resting in the pockets of his orange suit coat. "No one can hear you, and even if they could, they wouldn't come for you."

"No!" I screamed back loudly that Ash would come for me, even though there were doubts in my mind on that point. But Ash wasn't just my trainer, he was both my friend and a good person. He wouldn't let anyone hurt me. And there was Professor Oak, Misty, Ritchie... they would come for me, if Ash couldn't.

The boss just tossed his head. "You're not the first to be so defiant. But I should tell you, of all the pokemon who've come here, not a single trainer has come to redeem them." Not a single one? He must be lying. "They all think their trainers would brave anything for their sake, but in the end, no one comes for them."

"PikaCHAUUU!" Headbutt wasn't in my current move set, but that didn't stop me from ramming my cage as hard as I could, though I was only making my headache bigger. "Pi, PiKA!"

"I understand your sentiments," the cool voice said with amusement while his Persian just purred. "And I'm confident that you will grow to understand mine. I have a proposition for you."

No. It didn't matter what he said, the answer was no. "Pika~" I growled, and briefly considered gnawing on the metal of the cage.

"You have a reputation among some of my employees," that last word was said with disdain, "And now that we've met you properly, I can see they weren't exaggerating. You are quite formidable."

"Let me out of here and I'll show you just how formidable I can be!" I shot back, but the leader of Team Rocket just waved me off.

"So impatient. Of course I don't intend to keep you in that cage forever." No? Then what was he going to do with me? "I have big plans for you. Wouldn't you like to become stronger?"

"All the better to break your neck-" Persian interrupted my rant by slashing at my cage, and I unwillingly jumped. "I'm not interested in your plans. Let me go home."

"This is your home now." And my world erupted into pain.

"AAAARRRGH!" How was this happening? There was no one attacking me! I writhed in my cage, trying to find the source of pain, and eventually discovered it was the collar around my neck.

I began pawing and scratching at it, but it was no use, it was too strong and my limbs were too weak. Even so, I tried to stand straight, rather than curl up into a ball, even though I was sure I was about to faint. Persian just licked it's paw with a smirk, "It's no use posturing, we're not afraid of you."

"Just talk," I tried not to whimper. "You're only safe if I'm in a cage." Persian actually laughed and I grit my teeth. "Let me guess, this collar will shock me if I rebel?" My shaking arms collapsed from under me and I fell, twitching and convulsing.

Persian watched me with glee. "Oh, no, you've got it backwards," it replied as I blacked out, "It only stops shocking you when you submit."

* * *

><p><em>I looked up at Ash, the boy still glowing a bright, golden yellow. "Is there something different about you?"<em>

"_Oh, ha ha..." Ash's sarcasm didn't last long, though, he pushed of the ground a few inches and started floating. "Isn't this the most awesome thing ever?" Not quite as awesome as that time he rematerialized at the tree of beginning, but it was a very close second._

"_I thought you were dead," I said, bursting the bubble. "Again." Ash dropped back to the ground, though the light surrounding him didn't fade. My trainer, Warrior of Light, the Chosen One, the first response for any legendary in a crisis._

_Why couldn't he just be Ash?_

_Ash's eyes were wide, realizing how I felt and the seriousness of all this, but clearly wishing not to have this conversation at all. I let it go at Cameron Palace, but he kept starting these things, so it was about time he finished it. "Look, about that..." I wasn't about to interrupt him, much as he wanted me to. "... I just wanted to keep you safe. You know that, right? I didn't want anything to happen to you." He didn't have to tell me that; it had been obvious. This wasn't what I needed to hear._

"_Just tell me, before you got all Warrior of Light on us, did you... leave... at any point...?" It was so awkward to ask, even with my anger driving me forward, but I had to know. Thankfully, Ash shook his head._

"_No, I was... here, the whole time."_

"_Good." My voice was cold. "And do you have any idea how it would feel if you hadn't shown up again?" Ash wasn't humbled by my dark tone, and he matched it with one of his own._

"_I don't know how_ you'd _feel," he said with narrowed eyes, "But if it happened again, I know _exactly_ how I would feel." When he turned it around like that, I felt fear and revulsion in my soul. I wanted to backtrack, but Ash had taken control of the conversation. Thankfully, he had decided to go down a different path for the moment. "You being gone? Not knowing where you are, or if you're alive, or if you even like me anymore? Not exactly a new thing for me, buddy." _

_I hadn't wanted to go here either, but it was another conversation we'd never had, and probably needed to. Ash had always let me get out of it, as I'd let him slide on his brushes with mortality, but it was time to let these grievances be voiced._

_If we could. "That's not fair," I grumbled. "It's not like I had choices-"_

"_No?" Ash countered, and he must have been terribly upset to have said that. "And you think I'm choosing... this stuff?" _

"_Yes," I snapped. "You could _not _save the world, ever think about that?" Even as I said it, it sounded stupid. "Or, you could have taken me with you!"_

_Ash's eyes were dark and his expression clear: _Not on his life._ "I know you hate being reminded of this, but I'm your trainer," Ash said coldly, indulging all the syllables. "I'm not letting anything happen to you, and I'm not throwing you into dangerous battles that you can't win." I was about to bark a reply, but Ash cut me off. "Seriously, Pikachu, what could you have done?"_

_When I though of how quickly that water had risen, flooding the entire castle with water, I realized that I couldn't have been any help to Ash. My being there would have only made things worse._

"_I get it, you don't need us," I spat. "You saved the day without any help from your team, and even if we'd been there, we'd have only held you back." This wasn't a new thing, surprisingly. "I understand that you don't actually need your Pokemon to protect you or fight for you, and now you glow..." That was still weirding me out a bit. "And that it's your job to protect us, any way you want to, but... I'm your best friend," I finished, looking up at Ash earnestly. "That's got to count for something, right?"_

_That's why I hated people calling Ash my master. It put a rift between us, made our friendship unequal. Not because Ash was above me, as I'd always assumed would happen if a trainer ever captured me, but because I was above Ash. I didn't want him to think I was worth more then he was, just because he trained me for battles. His life was worth every second of mine, if not more._

_Ash knelt down and scooped me up in his golden arms. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, "For how you felt. But I'll never be sorry for saving you, or anybody. Even if bad things happen."_

"_But if I lose you, what good is it?" I asked, and Ash sighed. _

"_Pikachu, I'm not going to be here forever," he said with such finality that my blood ran cold. "Some things don't last." I nearly jumped out of his arms, I was so shocked._

"_What-," I squeaked, "What do you mean, you won't be here forever?"_

"_Well, you know," Ash said far too easily, "Things happen."_

_I felt sick. Dizzy, nauseous and helpless, and Ash tightened his grip on me. "May and Manaphy have to say goodbye eventually. Like Max and Jirachi. Or, Aaron and Lucario." Oh, he had to bring that up? "Sometimes, best friends have to go away for awhile. It happens, Pikachu, I can't just not help people because I'm scared of not being with you."_

"_Yes you can," I muttered to his chest, and Ash laughed softly._

"_Well, I don't plan on going anywhere for awhile." That felt comforting, and I blinked quickly so tears wouldn't fall on his glowing skin. I knew what it felt like to lose Ash, but I didn't know what I'd do if he never came back. He'd always been a bright, shining being of light, and today was the first day that everyone else could see it. If he left, the world would fall into darkness. "I'll always rescue you, no matter what. Whatever happens, we're going to be best friends forever..."_

* * *

><p>The next time I woke, I was on a battlefield.<p>

I was in pain, that same pain I'd blacked out with, and I wanted to curl into a ball and cry myself back into unconsciousness. But I forced myself to rise and look for the man in the orange suit.

He was on the second level, with his Persian next to him as they both looked down on me. "I see the Revive worked. Good morning, Pikachu."

"CHAAA!" If they were dumb enough to let me out of my cage, I wasn't going to waste any time in taking advantage of it. But the Persian and it's master were calm, and my electricity was blocked by a barrier. "Pika..." I was feeling weaker by the second, pain still shooting through my body, and I didn't know how much longer I could last.

"A foolish attempt, but attacking is just what I wanted you to do." My eyes were closed, and I was mostly focused on breathing, but my ears did perk up when I heard that. "If you want to grow stronger, you need to battle and gain experience." From across the battlefield, I heard the sound of a pokemon being released from a pokeball, and the ground shook.

"Blast, blastoise!" _Oh, shut up, _I begged the Pokemon with my mind. My headache was bad enough as it was.

"Pikachu, Thundershock!" Over my dead body was I going to let someone else command me. I felt disturbances in the ground and cracked open an eye to see Blastoise charging towards me.

"Pika..." I let slip an involuntary whimper. That thing was going to crush me if I didn't defend myself, but...

Blastoise slammed into me, sending me flying, and hitting the dirt somehow hurt more than both the attack and the collar combined.

Speaking of that collar, another wave of pain rippled through me, stronger this time. "I am not amused by your disobedience!" the boss' voice thundered while Blastoise readied it's cannons for Hydro Pump. "Attack, and I will be merciful and end your pain!" Oh, it was so tempting, but I wouldn't give in. Even if I wanted to, I wasn't sure I had the strength for it anymore.

"Pi-Pi..." No, I wouldn't fight for this man, even if he hurt me, even if I fainted again. I was Ash's partner, I didn't want to fight for anyone else...

* * *

><p>"<em>Ugh..." Ash's voice woke me up, and I rolled over towards the sound. The room was lit only by moonlight, but after a few seconds, I could make out Ash sitting next to Brock's cot, the other boy's arms on his shoulders. <em>

"_Ash, you're shaking!" Brock whispered, and he put a hand against my trainer's forehead. "Are you sick?"_

"_...need to... go to the hospital," Ash groaned back, flopping against the bed. "I feel terrible..."_

"_You look terrible," Brock agreed, "But you heard the announcement. All the hospitals in LaRousse City are full treating people who were hurt in the disaster. The Pokemon Centers, too. Are you sure it's an emergency?" I shook myself awake fully, and was about to jump off the top of our bunk bed when Ash replied._

"_Pikachu..." I stopped briefly. "Pikachu shocked me earlier..." _

"_Yeah, I remember. You lit up like a Christmas Tree."_

"_I think... I think I'm hurt..." Now I was the one who felt sick. "It wasn't so bad earlier, but now..." I sat very still, not sure what to say or do, or even if my presence was welcome. _

_Had it been that bad? I hadn't held back, so afraid that Ash would be taken from me, but even so..._

_...was I that powerful?_

_Brock tensed. "Has this happened before?" he asked, to which Ash reluctantly nodded his head. _

"_Yeah, but only when big stuff like this happens..." he gestured at the window towards the city, "It's only his huge attacks...just gives me a headache..." I felt like throwing up. I had just wanted to save him, or else I would never have used such a powerful thunderbolt. Whenever I shocked Ash, it was always toned down, even though he could take so much higher, but this... Ash rubbed his arms as if shivering and leaned his head back against the bed. "It can wait... I guess, I just can't sleep..."_

"_Are you sure?" Ash confirmed his choice, and Brock nodded to himself. "Okay, then, give me your arm." He hauled Ash to his feet. "I'll help you downstairs and we'll see if Joy's got anything we can give you that'll help." _

"_...thanks..." Nervously, I jumped off the bed and followed them, letting my presence be known. "Pikachu!"_

"_Pika?" Up close, Ash looked like death warmed over. Upon seeing me, he straightened up a little, though Brock still kept his arm around his shoulders._

"_Hey, Pikachu, how long have you been up?" What he really asked was, _how long have you been listening?

"_Pikachu." Long enough. "Pi...Pika?"_

"_No, buddy, it's not your fault," Ash said tiredly, almost with a laugh. "You saved me, remember?" He weakly ran a hand through his hand through his hair. "It's just a migraine, nothing special. I'll be fine if I can just get some sleep..." _

"_We've all been running ragged the past few days," Brock agreed, but I wasn't sure if he was trying to placate me or not. He had no reason to cover for Ash, so I decided to accept his reassurances. "Let's go see Joy. If you still feel sick by morning, we'll take you to the hospital."_

_I was a bit relieved that it didn't seem serious, but I still felt guilty. "Pikachu..."_

"_You don't have to be sorry," Ash replied with a sigh. "I just feel achey..."_

* * *

><p>Again with the Revives. Why couldn't they take me to a Center and take care of me properly?<p>

But they wouldn't be bad guys if they were into taking care of their prisoners. I opened my eyes, wincing at the bright lights, part of me still lost in foggy dreams.

What new torture awaited me today? "Alakazam, use Psybeam!" Ugh, my stomach felt queasy at the thought.

I didn't fight back as Alakazam levitated me off the floor and spun me around the battlefield. That was what he wanted me to do, fight battles, but I wouldn't give in. Even though Alakazam was beating me to a pulp, and that stupid collar was shooting pain at me every waking second...

My face slammed into the dirt, but I just closed my eyes and took the hit. I wasn't going to give in, I wasn't...

* * *

><p>"<em>It's good to have you back, buddy," Ash grinned, and I jumped onto his shoulders to steal his baseball cap. "Hey, come back here with that!" <em>

"_Pika!" I teased back, always staying one step out of reach. But, eventually, I got cocky and Ash managed to corner me by Abigail's back porch. He retrieved his hat and began tickling me without mercy. "Pi! Pi!"_

"_Give up?" Ash laughed, and when I finally surrendered, he released me. That was his mistake, because I was a sore loser. _

"_PikaCHU!" It wasn't a very strong thunderbolt, but I stopped laughing when Ash suddenly stood up and turned his back to me. "Pi?" We'd played around like this a million times, but something felt wrong now, like I had crossed over a line. "Pikapi?"_

"_I'm sorry, I'm just..." Ash trailed off, and he didn't turn around. I kicked at the dirt and sighed._

"_Is this about the whole 'Sugar' thing?" I asked, annoyed. "I told you to attack, remember?" It was weird, and not something I really wanted to do again, face Ash from the opposite side of the battlefield, but we were helping a friend, and it was just a practice battle. The only part that really bothered me was that he'd used Aipom, because I think she might have enjoyed fighting me just a little too much._

"_Huh? No, it's not- well, maybe a bit," Ash conceded. He still wouldn't face me. "But, well, there's something else, too." He pulled his cap down, casting his already hidden face into shadow. "I think it would be good if you tried not to shock me anymore."_

_I stared in disbelief. "Since when do I_ try _to shock you?" I asked defiantly, then corrected myself. "This didn't count, that wasn't even a real thundershock!" Nowhere close. I wasn't irresponsible enough to throw that much voltage at Ash, especially since the incident in LaRousse City. I had never purposefully thundershocked Ash at full power, and he'd never complained about my playful shocks, either. _

_So what was wrong? "I know it probably won't make a difference, I just can't stop thinking that..." He trailed off, and I took a step forward. Couldn't stop thinking what? What wouldn't make a difference? "I have something I need to tell you, but I don't know how." He finally turned back towards me, sitting defeatedly down on the porch steps. "It's complicated..."_

"_You can tell me anything," I told him gently, surprised by the serious turn the afternoon was taking. "You know that right?"_

_Ash smiled with eyes full of sadness. "You might hate me if I tell you this."_

"_I could never hate you." Ash swallowed and held out his arms to me, and I was quick to acquiesce. The two of us sat on the porch for a few minutes, quietly holding each other close. I didn't always know how to react when Ash was vulnerable like this, but just being there seemed to be enough for him._

"_I don't like fighting you," Ash said at length. "Even if we're just helping someone out, it's weird." I nodded into his chest, agreeing completely. "And I hate seeing you with other trainers."_

_I laughed aloud. "You're jealous!" and Ash laughed with me._

"_You have no idea." But he grew serious again. "It shouldn't have bothered me, we were only pretending, but I hated every second of it."_

"_Well, things are back to normal, now," I pointed out, to which Ash didn't respond. "Was that your deep dark secret?" _

"_No." I was both worried and intrigued. "I'm scared that I might have to leave you someday."_

_Now I was scared. "Why?" Ash hesitated, so I jumped in again, "I don't want to be anywhere else."_

"_I know, and I don't, either. Just... if something happened, and we had to say goodbye-"_

"_Nothing's going to happen. Don't say things like that!" I wasn't sure who I was trying to reassure. "I don't want any trainer but you, so don't..." my voice caught in my throat for a minute, "... don't act like you're trying to abandon me." He couldn't leave me, for any reason, he just couldn't..._

"_I would never." His voice was so resolute, as if all his hesitation from before had vanished. "I'm sorry, Pikachu, I'm being stupid." Ash got to his feet, and I jumped off his lap and faced him properly. "I promise, I'll never abandon you, as long as you promise not to run off with every nice old lady who gives you pie."_

_I laughed and offered my tail for a handshake. "It's a deal." This time when I shocked him, he just laughed..._

* * *

><p>"You're a defiant one, aren't you?"<p>

_Go away,_ I willed the man with my mind, but as always, it did nothing. He remained outside of my cage with the same smile I detested.

"Are you this violent with your old trainer?" Like a switched had been flipped, I was one my feet and attacking the walls of my cage. How dare he say anything about Ash!

"He's my _only _trainer!" I managed to shoot back, but it sounded less impressive with my voice as hoarse as it was.

"You think you're so powerful, but you can't even break out of this cage," the man in the suit said, straightening his tie. "Do you really think your trainer would waste his time looking for such a weak Pokemon? Or one as disobedient as you?" I responded by bearing my teeth, daring him to open my cage and let me out.

As always, however, the man was not intimidated in the slightest. "You're arrogant and selfish. I feel sorry for your old trainer." Oh, how I wanted to kill him! "But you do have potential... If you want to be stronger, I can help with that."

"I don't need your help!" I hollered, and in time, he left, that smirking Persian on his heels. But I couldn't help but feel that some of what he said had been true.

Ash would rescue me, I kept telling myself, he promised he would always come rescue me, no matter what. It didn't matter what anyone else said.

"You can't keep that up forever." A Wigglytuff in the cage next to me looked on in concern. "Really, it's not good for you..."

"What's my other option?" I groaned back, snarling a little, and the Wigglytuff would have backed away if she were not already crammed too tightly into the small cage to move. I felt bad after seeing her hurt face. "I can't just give in to this guy!"

"Maybe just a little," she whimpered, eyes downcast and watery. "Just so the pain is less..." It was so tempting... "I'm sure your trainer wouldn't want you to be hurt like this..."

She was right, Ash would never want this. But he also wouldn't want me working for a guy who steals and tortures Pokemon. If he had to choose, my safety was always paramount in his eyes, but that didn't give me a free pass on all life's hard decisions. I had standards for myself that went beyond Ash's concern for me.

"He'd want me to hang in there until he arrived," I spat with forced courage. "And then he'd pay Team Rocket back for every single second of my pain. Because we don't lose to guys like them." Not then, not now, not ever. Ash always came to rescue me, no matter how far, no matter how dangerous...

No matter what... Ash always came to my rescue, braving terribly odds if need be. He'd climb mountains and face down bounty hunters and pseudo-legendaries to make sure I was safe, without fail and without drama. It wasn't something that made him special, in his eyes, it was just the natural thing to do as a friend and trainer. But coming to my rescue sometimes put him in danger as well...

Because he always came to rescue me, he was hurting now... If Ash did manage to find Team Rocket headquarters and try to rescue me, he'd be facing down an army of grunts and their pokemon. Some of the pokemon here were terribly powerful, and a lot of the people had guns. If Ash came for me, he might not leave this place alive.

Maybe it was time I rescued myself?

In time, a grunt came by to take me back to the arena, and I began formulating a plan. It was hard to focus through the pain, but I forced myself to think, and when I saw that my opponent was a Fearow, a brainwave hit me.

"Pikachu, Thunderbolt!" Oh, I'd give him one, all right... I charged forward, ready to attack, and as I did so, I felt the collar deactivate for a few seconds, pain melting away with nothing but lingering weariness behind.

Perfect. My adrenaline carried me forward, pushing my exhausted limbs until I was close enough to jump onto Fearow's back.

"Feaar?" It wasn't what it had been expecting, and I wasted no time in yanking at the featers on it's head. "Feeeeaar!"

"That's not what I asked for!" The Team Rocket leader's voice thundered over the intercom, and my collar shot out a new burst of pain, and having tasted sweet freedom, it felt even more agonizing than before. But my plan was working, and I wasn't about to back down.

"Pika!" I jerked on Fearow's feathers, causing it to take to the skies in an attempt to shake me off. It didn't work, however. By pulling different feathers, I could guide Fearow into flying in the directions I wanted, and we clumsily made our way up to the roof.

Finally, we were close enough that I closed my eyes and collected all my energy for the thunderbolt my captor had wanted so badly. "PikaCHUUUU!"

I blew a hole in the roof, and I could hear the cries of alarm below me when they realized that I had not intended to battle at all. I forced Fearow up through the hole, but once we left the building, the winds were so fierce that I was blown from it's back, tumbling for several seconds before I managed to sink my claws into something.

I held on to a small piece of metal with all the grip I still possessed, and looked around for a way off the roof. However...

...The ground below me was thousands upon thousands of feet. I could see the ocean stretching on forever, sprinkled with little islands. This wasn't a building, it was an airship!

I squinted my eyes against the ripping winds while I stared down at islands I didn't recognize. I couldn't see another way down, and Fearow had flown back into the ship. Meanwhile, my collar was blasting me more than ever. "Cha..." Suddenly, my brilliant plan didn't seem so great anymore. If I fell from this height, I was done for.

But I couldn't just give up, either. Several Rocket grunts riding various flying pokemon suddenly filled the air, ready to reclaim me, and I shocked as many as I could, but I was far too weak, and my grip was slipping. The last thing I remember was falling as my world dissolved into blackness.

* * *

><p>"<em>Pikapi!" Morning had come, but Ash had rushed off to breakfast without me, so I went bounding into the Pokemon Center lobby to look for my trainer, eager to get fed and back on the road to Straiaton. I didn't have to look far, but what I saw made me stop dead in my tracks.<em>

_Ash was seated at the videophone desk, slumped forward with his head in his arms. The machine was on, but the call appeared to have ended, and the receiver had been hung up. Worst of all, though I couldn't see any reason for it, Ash was crying._

_Full out sobbing, in fact, with complete abandon._

_I ran over, not quite sure how to proceed. "PiKachu?" Ash lifted his head when I patted his arm, face streaked with tears. "What happened? Is it Mom?" I honestly couldn't think of anything else that could make Ash break down and sob like this, but my trainer shook his head. _

"_It's not that," he said, morose and defeated. Once again, he buried his head in his hands. "I really messed up this time, Pikachu. I'm so stupid..."_

"_Messed up what?" Ash offered me no response. "Did Trip say something to you? Because that was a fluke, we'll get him next time!" I sensed another Gary on the horizon... Or what if that girl with all the hair had said something awful?_

"_It wasn't Trip," Ash mumbled back, voice muffled by his hands. Meanwhile, a concerned Nurse Joy made her way over to us._

"_Excuse me," she put a hand on Ash's shoulder, "But can I do anything for you?" With her presence, Ash regained some of his dignity and stood up. _

"_I'm fine, thanks," he said, though his face betrayed him. "I think I'm just gonna lie down for a bit..." We were supposed to hit the road today, continuing on to the Striaton Gym. But all Ash's energy had deserted him, and he flopped back onto one of the cots in the bedrooms, not moving or speaking for over an hour._

_Not that I didn't try to engage him. "Are you not feeling well?" I ventured. "Homesick?" That usually wasn't a problem for Ash, at least, not enough to warrant this big of a reaction. "Anything I can do to help?"_

_He didn't answer any of my queries, so I settled down by his feet and watched him stare at the ceiling. He was so troubled, but I couldn't think of a way to help him. "You're starting to scare me."_

"_I'm never going to achieve my dream, am I?"_

_The hopelessness attached to those words ripped through me like a bullet, and I stood up in a flash. "What are you talking about? Of course, you-"_

"_Being a trainer is one thing, but being a Master, that takes years," Ash intoned. "Years and years of traveling and getting to know all sorts of Pokemon, winning lots of matches. And to be number one, that's even harder. It's the sort of thing that takes a whole lifetime to achieve..."_

"_But we'll do it," I asserted, not liking the resigned despair in his voice. "Every year, we just get better and better."_

"_But we're still so far away," Ash sighed, rolling over onto his side. "I never wanted anything so bad, and now, it's never gonna happen." He refused to meet my gaze, despite all my attempts. "I was so excited to go traveling again, but now, I'm not sure I even want to be here anymore."_

_Ash didn't wear discouragement well, and I didn't like where this conversation was going. "Look," I said, "I choked earlier, against Trip's Snivy." I wanted to blame it all on losing my electricity, but I couldn't. "I got cocky, and I lost. But I'll train harder." Ash looked back at me, face unreadable, and I continued to plead. "You're not a bad trainer. I'll work harder than ever before, and we'll catch some new friends and challenge Trip again. And then we'll win the Unova league," I promised, suddenly serious. "This year, we'll win for sure."_

"_Pikachu," Ash sighed, both happy and sad at the same time, "You're the best." He reached out and scratched me behind the ears, a smile on his face, but eyes still weary. "After we're finished challenging this league, I want to stop. Go home and just spend some time with Mom and all our friends at Professor Oak's lab. At least for a few months."_

"_Sure," I replied easily, ready to agree to anything if it would cheer him up. "If that's what you want."_

"_We'll have lots of time, then, to talk about stuff," he continued vaguely, "And decide... decide what to do in the future."_

"_Okay, but don't worry about the future so much," I told him. "Just because we lose a few battles doesn't mean anything. You're still going to be the world's greatest Pokemon Master." I felt encouraged when some of the sparkle returned to Ash's eyes. "I still believe in you."_

_Ash's eyes were misty, but now his smile filled his whole face. "Pikachu, let's make this our best league ever," he declared as he jumped to his feet, and I was only too happy to agree. "We'll train hard, and play hard, and we're not going to worry about anything at all, okay?"_

_My cheeks sparked with enthusiasm. "Sounds good to me..."_

* * *

><p>"My scientists collected some data on you while you were out. Do you want to know what we found?"<p>

No. I wanted him to go away and leave me alone, because this was Hell, and only dead things got to be here.

Not that I wouldn't have gladly facilitated his invitation if I had the chance. "Despite your expressed loyalty, you don't actually have a trainer. You're not registered to any trainer in the system." Yup, this was definitely Hell. A flash of a crate falling on my Pokeball filled my mind, and I realized what had happened, though I was far too lost in pain and agony to be as horrified as I should have been.

My Pokeball had shattered, so I didn't belong to Ash anymore.

"You're not all that you think you are," the man said. "You think you have friends, but no one's come to rescue you. You think you're brave and powerful, but you've failed to defy me or escape. All you do is lay there, waiting for someone else to tell you what to do."

It was with a jolt that I realized I was still alive. The grunts must have caught me and brought me back into the ship. But my earlier assumption still held true; this was most certainly Hell, a special kind created just for me. One where I didn't belong to Ash in any sense and was left in the care of Team Rocket. "The data on you, it shows that you're powerful, but you're not that special. Surely you've known that all along? You pretend your power is rare and unusual, but you're only slightly above average. Some fancy lights and overcompensating, and everyone is taken in." I couldn't deny, that had been one of my survival tactics at one point.

But all the battles Ash and I had won had to count for something. "Whoever trained you, he must have figured it out, too, that you weren't anything exceptional. You're far more trouble than you're worth. Is that why he released you?"

_No, that was an accident, because you... _ My pokeball should never have been there. Ash always carried it with him. Ash always wanted me with him, before...

The fact was, Ash had released me long before anything happened to my pokeball.

"You don't have a trainer, you don't have friends, and you don't deserve them. You're weak."

_Shut up... _My head was pounding so badly, I wanted to throw up, but I felt a cool mist being squirted onto my fur.

I felt marginally better after that, and blinked my eyes open. A super potion?

"There, that should help." If he expected me to thank him, he had another thing coming, but I wouldn't deny, it felt so good. "You need a trainer to help you survive, and I am impressed with your electric attacks. Together, we could be powerful indeed."

I already had a trainer to make me powerful, and so, declined.

"You have no trainer, and no one to come redeem you from this place. Even if that were the case, would you go back?" Of course I would. "Your move set is ridiculous. You've learned Electro Ball, but for some reason, you don't know Thunder or Volt Tackle? I see the merit of Iron Tail, but what foolish strategy was there in deleting your most powerful moves for the sake of preserving Quick Attack and Thunderbolt?" When he put it like that, it did sound foolish, but my Thunderbolt was basically a Thunder, so keeping both in my move set was redundant.

As for the rest... Ash was the trainer, and he always knew how to get the best out of me. I'd trained with him long enough to have faith that he knew what he was doing. He knew what I was capable of better than I did, sometimes, so even if my move-set was sub-standard, I still had faith in his abilities to make it work.

"I could teach you moves that are much more useful. There's a wide variety of TMs here to choose from, and a battlefield to practice them. Or, I also have a Thunderstone. You could evolve and-"

"PIKAAAA!" No way in hell was I going to let him evolve me! However, I realized when my legs buckled under my own weight, I was in no position to stop him.

The man laughed at me. "Don't fancy change, do you? Well, I'm sure you'll change your mind in time." He slipped the Thunderstone back into his pocket and I sighed with relief. "But, if you don't want to evolve, you'd better prove yourself." I heard a rumbling in the distance and blinked. Was I on the battlefield? It was hard to be sure, with my vision swirling the way it was, but I thought I could make out a Blastoise on the other side of the field. "I have no need for a weak, little Pikachu, particularly one as obstinate as you. Prove to me that you're worth something, or I'll evolve you right now."

No! He couldn't! I saw Ash's face in my memory, relief, pain and love all colliding as he ran up and scooped me into his arms, declaring that he would help me train to beat that Raichu, we'd do it together. His promise in the Pokemon Center way back in Viridian City, and the horror he displayed whenever I came near a Thunderstone.

If I evolved, there would be no more riding on his shoulders. No more hugs that lifted me higher off the ground then I would be comfortable with if it weren't his strong arms holding me safely. I wouldn't be me, anymore, and we wouldn't be us, because somewhere along the line, my identity had become wrapped up in Ash. It wasn't just about my wish to remain Pikachu anymore, though that was strong and permeating, but the knowledge that Ash also loved me as I was make the thought of change twice as repulsive.

"Do as I say. Prove that you can be strong without evolving. If you obey, I will free you from your pain." I forced my eyes to focus on the Blastoise that was now stomping towards me. It was just another Team Rocket grunt we were facing, not an innocent person. I wouldn't be doing anything evil, just having a battle with someone I already wanted to fight.

It wasn't giving in, was it? "Pikachu, Thunderbolt!" I heard the command, and made a quick decision.

"P-pi-Pika... CHU!" It was the most pathetic Thunderbolt I'd ever released, on account of my feeling generally pathetic, but it was enough to take down Blastoise.

And enough that my collar stopped hurting me. As the pain dissipated, I got up to my feet and looked around. The man in the suit was smirking proudly. "You see? Not as loathsome as you made it out to be." He actually stepped over to me and began patting my head.

I would have bitten his hand, if I didn't think that would get me killed. "Pika-!" The pain was back, my collar activating me and bringing me too my knees. Having tasted freedom, this new wave was almost too much to bear. Through it all, this oppressive man's hand continued scratching me behind my ears.

"I'm sorry it could only be for a few seconds," he said in a voice that did not sound remorseful at all, "But that's how it works. It only rewards you when you do my will. If you are more obedient, the pain will lessen." If I wanted to live without skull-splitting agony, I had to keep battling.

When our opponent sent out Fearow, I decided that was a compromise I could handle. There was no hesitation when I was ordered to attack, and my Electro Ball hit it straight in the chest, taking the bird down in one hit. Once again, I was treated to a few blissful moments of pain-free breathing while the Leader of Team Rocket stroked my fur.

"Good job, Pikachu, you performed very well." As promised, when my collar reactivated, the pain had lessened, to a level that was _almost _bearable. "I look forward to more training."


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15: いまのままでいいのか ひとり夜の星を見る (I wonder to myself, looking at the night stars, if we'll be alright...)

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><p>I wasn't always sure how much Ash understood when I talked. He'd sometimes look to me for explanations, only to turn away with an exasperated sigh of "Well, <em>that<em> didn't help..." But other times, I'd rattle on for hours with him laughing and chiming in like he could understand every word. We'd been together for so long that I didn't think too hard about it; I knew that when it was important, Ash would be able to comprehend what I had to say.

But, now... There would never be enough words to make Ash understand what I was about to do.

"Pikachu!"

The far-off voice of the boss snapped me back to my task. Before me, the little, green and gray pokemon shook in fear, trying to push herself up from the ground. She was too weak to run far, but I couldn't let down my guard yet; even if she couldn't run, she could still attack. That voice of hers was dangerous, and if she switched to Pirouette Forme again, I was going to have trouble.

I was helping Team Rocket capture an innocent pokemon. Even without knowing what the boss had planned, it didn't take much imagination to see a terrible future for this Meloetta. She'd be lucky if she was only subjected to the same degree of evil I was. I'd have to be pretty heartless to help Team Rocket hurt her.

And yet... A rustle in the bushes behind me indicated that the boss and Persian had finally caught up. "Pikachu! What are you waiting for?" _This isn't me,_ I kept thinking to myself. _I'm not like this, I never wanted to hurt anyone... _ But no matter how often I tried to convince myself, the haunting voice of my captor returned. _If you're so strong, why don't you escape? If you know better, why haven't you come up with something else? If you hate this so much, why don't you fight back?_

Pokemon aren't bad by nature, it was always said, humans make pokemon do bad things. I had always felt conflict over that statement, for though I had known many pokemon who were merely misguided, looking to please the one they loved, I also knew that there was no force on earth that could make obey Ash when I didn't feel like it. Not even love, though I knew that this had not been tested in a while, as our desires these days were generally one and the same. But I had the feeling that it still was true; I would follow Ash in all his quests against the darkness, but I doubted I could ever follow him into it, obeying an evil master.

Saying pokemon were only the product of their trainers robbed us of our free will, and my freedom had always been paramount. I reconciled my conflict with the reassurance that for every Ekans and Koffing who lovingly followed their criminally demented partners, there was a MewTwo and a Spearow who needed no trainers to order them to hurt others, and a Pikachu and a Charizard who walked the line between. I was the master of my destiny, no one else.

Or so I had always thought. Now, I was forced to see myself as I never had before, reflected back in the eyes of the shivering Meloetta. I was no hero, any more than I was independent.

_You're weaker than you think, _the boss kept telling me. In the end, I caved in front of stronger forces, and submitted to their will. I couldn't fight back physically or mentally. I had gotten such an inflated idea of my own strength that I was losing to starter Snivys and Team Rocket, and somehow, was never humbled enough to learn from it.

_You're not as smart as you think. _ I was nothing without a leader. I thought I was so smart, but now I was being put to the test, only to find there was nothing in my head. Every plan I had failed, and now, there was nothing left but a stupor, only cleared when someone called out an order.

_You're not as righteous as you think you are. _ In the end, I would do whatever my Master told me to do, no matter what they wanted or who that Master was.

_Looks like Ash isn't as strong as he thinks he is, either,_ I thought bitterly. If he'd pushed hard enough, commanded a little more respect, maybe he'd have seen my true colors. And maybe, if he'd ever learned to master pokemon like he was supposed to, I'd be more controlled, more useful, stronger...

Maybe none of us would be in this mess.

But even as I thought it, I knew it wasn't fair to blame all of this on Ash. He wasn't the one standing here thundershocking innocent Pokemon. And if he were here, Ash would rather die than give in like I was, probably even had, at some point. He was both my fool and my saint, and I hated the way those two ideas kept warring in my mind, leaving me weak and powerless.

I was sick of hurting, sick of trying to escape and failing, sick of waiting for a rescue that was never going to come from a person who didn't even want me anymore.

I was just tired... Meloetta looked up with a plea in her eyes that I refused to hear.

"Please," she whimpered up at me, "You don't know what he's going to do. The whole world might be destroyed!" I looked at her with my sad, exhausted expression.

"I don't think I care anymore."

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><p>My heart felt like a rock as the cage pulled Meloetta up to the airship. "Set the course for the temple!" the boss barked, before turning to me with a black pokeball in his hand. "Good work, Pikachu."<p>

When he threw the pokeball, I smacked it back as a reflex, then bit back a scream as my collar fired retribution. It wasn't the first time he'd tried to capture me, and each time I resisted with less strength. I wasn't even sure why, anymore, since being in a pokeball couldn't possibly be worse than anything out here.

Even the boss looked tired of this game. "Must we do this every time?" he mocked, one hand on his hip like he was waiting out a child's temper tantrum. We both knew how this was going to go: I would deflect pokeballs while the output in my collar slowly escalated, until I finally fainted and had to be brought back in a cage. All he had to do was wait, and I'd be in one prison or another.

Why was I doing this?_ You could have run away,_ I reminded myself. _You were all alone chasing Meloetta and you could have let her go and escaped. But you didn't._

_Because it always fails, _I countered. Every escape attempt ended in failure, and I was always dragged back with injury and disgrace. Somehow, they could track my location, and there was no distance far enough to hide from a machine. They always seemed to know when I had disobeyed, there was always punishment for every infraction and the boss was hardly ever pleased with anything I did, and though I knew I shouldn't want to please him, those rare accomplishments did take the edge off the pain and futility. Every attempt I made at rebellion would always be useless.

_But you didn't even try_, my tiny conscious reminded me timidly. And with a shock, I realized I hadn't even given a fantasy thought to running away, or even letting Meloetta go. Blindly, I had just done what I was ordered, waiting around for other people to tell me what to do. Yes, that was less painful, and yes, none of my escape plans or rebellious acts had ever worked, but I had been completely alone with Melloetta and the pokemon of the forest, able to act of my own accord.

Whether to find my freedom, call for help, or simply do the right thing, I had been given a chance to act.

And I did nothing.

This was who I really was. After all these years of thinking I was somehow special, stronger than other Pikachu, brave, a good friend, maybe even a hero, I was now faced with the truth; I was a weak, cowardly, little drone, just waiting for someone to tell me what to do and how to feel about it.

And the guilt that Meloetta was going to suffer for my arrogance just wore me down further. When the boss tried his pokeball the second time, I let myself be captured.

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><p>There was no rest for me in the pokeball. Every oppressive thought shouted at me to get out of here, but I had long since lost the necessary will to exit a pokeball of my own accord. It was supposed to feel like nature, but I could never feel at peace here, and was hyper-aware that this device was unnatural, smaller than I was, and was, above all things, fallible.<p>

It wasn't the PC I was truly afraid of. I'd been in Akihabara's machine, transferred along with Ash, and if I could make it through that nightmare and come off the conqueror then I could handle going through the same scenario with the usual processes in place. It was the PC's ability to fail that scared me. It might feel like nature, but it _wasn't._ A single glitch in the software and pokeballs could be lost to data storage, the pokemon inside never to be seen again. If the wireless pokeball management system failed, pokeballs couldn't be enlarged and opened, and even something as simple as a virus or a rusty hinge could cause me to be trapped.

Or a crate could fall on the little hunk of metal and end everything.

Pokeballs demanded I went wherever the humans wanted me to, show my face when they wanted me to, do everything on their time. They took away my freedom, putting me at the mercy of my trainers and the system itself, and on top of that, I knew the walls were pressing in around me, even if I couldn't see them.

That, and there was absolutely nothing to do.

For hours, maybe even days, I had nothing to distract me from the _wrongness _of this scenario than my own thoughts, and those were no longer peaceful. I tried to fill my mind with home and friends and memories, but all I could remember were the unhappy times. But why should I get to relive happy memories, when I'd turned my back on them so far as to allow someone else to capture me? If I wanted to remember Ash and my friends so badly, why did I let myself become Team Rocket's pokemon?

I tried to fight it, but given the all-encompassing sensation that this was_ not Ash's pokeball,_ all my thoughts revolved around him.

"_He's not as strong as you think he is."_ Gary told me that, once. Gary, in fact, had made sure of that, and would then be the leading authority on it. But times had changed, and heaven forbid anyone should put that kid through anything else. It was almost a joke, just a flippant comment made in passing after a day of playing and teasing Ash, but there was a seriousness buried deep underneath that I couldn't help but catch, even if Gary himself might not have realized it was there.

I'd already seen Ash fail. He was strong, but not strong enough for what I did to him, and I watched the whole castle of friendship and promises come crashing down like it had been made of fine-spun glass. Ash had been so strong, but he had just enough of an Achilles Heel that nature and I were able to tear him apart, and now he was weak.

But no matter how weak he was now, I had proven to be weaker. If we took away every memory Ash ever had, piled more physical limitations on him, he still would have been strong enough to resist Team Rocket. Even the King of Pokelantis hadn't been able to hold Ash completely.

"_Kids are amazingly resilient, you know. But eventually, they are made to grow up."_ The Professor. I don't even remember what he was talking about, just that I'd looked at Ash with a look that said he'd never grow up, and Ash's responding laughter indicated that he never wanted to. By rights, he should have grown up by now. Traveling, betrayal, mortality… Between his accident and my newest betrayal, his innocence was hanging by a thread. What kept him in that hopeful, childlike state?

But, the thought chilled me to the bone, what would happen when he had too much, when he just _stopped bouncing back_?

_No one's coming to save you_, my evil inner voice taunted, and it had been doing so for so long that I had just accepted it as fact. No one was coming, and I was beyond saving, but the thought of Ash tied me back down to earth. I had failed him, making myself weak, useless and a pawn of the enemy, when he relied on me as a friend.

No one was coming to rescue me, because I'd driven them all away. And now that I was gone, Ash had no one to stand in my place.

"_Do you know where you stand?" _Charizard asked me that, years ago when things were not as good between us, though I felt he had forfeited the right to ever say anything on the subject. But our lizard thought that understanding one's place in a relationship was key to everything. I knew what he meant, but I never was able to come up with an answer. Now, though, there had been a clear and dividing line, and I had stepped over it.

"_Do you know what you are to him?"_ Brock was gentler with the same question, but I didn't want to hear it, not back then. I didn't even like thinking about. But I'd nodded anyway, and Brock eventually forgot about it.

"_He loves you a lot."_ I tried to ignore Max like I had Brock. I tried to make light of those words, take only the meanings he wanted to hear. But that was becoming harder to do, every single day. It was painful to give to much thought to my friendship with Ash when you had a best friend that took on a mech with his bare hands every time you were dumb enough to get captured. Anyone else would have just let me go, told me I was an idiot for letting myself get captured all the time. I could almost hear my new trainer laughing at me, telling me that if I'd been paying the slightest bit of attention, it never would have happened. But Ash would risk his life for me ever single day without a word of reproach.

On the other hand, he'd also risk his life for a complete stranger, so I wasn't really all that special. I could lose this boy any day of the week, and everyone treated me like I was somehow obligated to open my heart and present it as a sacrifice. I was already in deep enough, there was no need to risk smashing my heart any more.

Was Ash out there now, looking for me? Or had he given up? Even worse, had he followed me far enough to find Team Rocket, only to be hurt or even killed over someone who wasn't even trying anymore? Over someone he didn't really remember?

If this was where friendship got us, if this was all it could do in these circumstances, it might have been better not to have bothered.

"_Do you have any idea how much your thunderbolts hurt?!" _Dawn had been livid, and I had only shocked her lightly, by accident. Ash just laughed, and told her that she just wasn't used to it, yet. In fact, I had no idea how much thunderbolts hurt, at the time, only that they did. Humans reacted differently to pokemn attacks, I'd been told. Ash would wince and gripe, but he'd never faint.

I knew _now_, though. I knew very well how much a thunderbolt could hurt.

"_I think he likes Pokemon more than he likes people."_ No one would ever know how much of a joke Misty meant that comment to be.

But she didn't understand what that did to me. Knowing that there weren't any other people, that it was just me... just _me_... She didn't need to tell me, I saw, and I wasn't stupid enough to miss all the things Ash didn't say. Normal little boys could produce at least one friend worth talking about by the time they turned ten, if not more, but the best Ash could do was Gary. Whether the town pulled away from Ash or Ash pulled away from the town, I never asked, but I'd have been blind not to notice that Ash wasn't relating to boys his own age very often, that he was barely relating to his own species, that all the humans in his life kept leaving...

And I could also see how close Ash could get to people, when the circumstances were right. But they always had to leave, and then it was just me...

And who was I?

I was a member of Team Rocket, now, and this time, I couldn't claim amnesia as an excuse.

I could see everyone's disapproving faces, Bulbasaur and Squirtle were the worst, because they were exactly the same now as they were years upon years ago. Squirtle's frown was tinged with a reproach that I didn't want to acknowledge, made all the worse when Bulbasaur stopped him from lecturing me again. They were always the first to defend me when the others complained that I never was rotated out of the party, and the first to try and knock some sense into me about _why_ I was never rotated out of the party. They never gave me a break for anything, and if they could see me now, their words would surely cut deeper than anything the boss said to me.

I think I understood their old speeches on a surface level, but that was as deep as I was willing to go. In a way, seeing Pidgeot again brought all those heavy feelings back, because Pidgeot remembered a time when there were too few of us to rotate, and I didn't act much like a best friend. Pidgeot probably laughed to hear about my "special" status of "best friend" and "Team Captain".

Pidgeot was there in the days that Ash only had a few of us to shower love on so freely, and while the others lapped up attention like newly hatched Growlithe, I merely humored him, deigning to put up with his affection. Those were very early days, but even as I grew closer to Ash, remnants of that attitude still remained, an idea that even in more recent years had never gone away.

Ash and I were friends, even best friends, but I couldn't be worth _that _much to him, he couldn't love me _that_ much, because I couldn't comprehend that, or the responsibility that came with it. We were close, but I didn't want to be_ that _close. And no matter how many walls I let Ash tear down, there was always a tiny, paper-thin divide born of my unwillingness to acknowledge just how deep this friendship went, on either side.

Butterfree, however, had noticed it before any of the rest of them had even begun to contemplate it, and was perhaps the first one to bring it to my attention.

"_You know that we can't fill the void you'll leave behind, right?" _

As if nobody had ever left Ash before.

Of course, Butterfree had been the one to leave, in the end. And Squirtle, and Charizard. Lapras. Ambipom. When I was given a chance to part ways, I chose to stay.

I thought that made me special.

But what they understood, and I was only just realizing now, was that the Trainer/Pokemon relationship really was a two way road. Only now that my ties to Ash had been severed in every way possible did I truly understand the gravity of this, how much it meant to me to be _Ash's._

His friend, his pokemon, his partner, his brother. And I was none of it now.

Trainers gave a piece of themselves to their pokemon, and Ash was no exception, offering his heart to us like a plateful of berries for us to gorge ourselves upon. And I had taken more of his heart than anyone else.

And that was what I could now see, that everyone else had slowly started to see a long time ago, that I had taken so much of Ash's heart; he kept giving and giving and I was constantly taking, and my selfish, greedy self of the past never realized that I was supposed to be taking care of this heart I had come into possession of. I took everything from Ash, and the fact that I didn't realize it made everything volatile.

When other friends parted ways, Ash would be sad. But I was mired so deep that any rejection from me would shatter him. All along, I'd had the power to break that boy apart on a whim.

Would he break down when he finally heard what I'd done? Or had the accident dissolved the privilege of him giving a damn what I did with my life?

What I hated to think about was how much sway he really had over me. Because it was easier to put up just a tiny, thin little wall and not think about things too deeply than to acknowledge the soul-crushing weight that hit me every time I thought of being without him. It was easier to lie to myself and pretend that I could handle life without my best friend rather than just admit that we were co-dependent and deal with it.

He loved me so much, back then, and I just wasted time. Didn't it make sense then, that everything would be taken from me? Maybe, if I hadn't been bleeding him dry, he would have opened up to me about his condition earlier. Maybe I'd have behaved differently and taken more care not to get kidnapped all the time, and maybe he wouldn't have been hurt, maybe he wouldn't always feel like he had to prove himself, maybe he wouldn't hate me, or have a reason to think I hated him.

Maybe I would have been strong enough not to let someone else capture me.

That was the one good thing about my new situation: The relationship was one-dimensional, easy to understand. Give and take, nothing demanding or overwhelming. It was like the boss had been saying all along, I wasn't who I thought I was. From the very beginning, I wanted simplicity and barriers, logic and expectations. I didn't look for friendship with Ash, and didn't know what I was facing when he presented it to me. I had to learn that over time, but now, I was learning that I was never really Ash's friend. I failed in that responsibility, and that made everything between us meaningless. I was alone now, none of the others could ever understand the things I'd done, and I could never go back.

But they'd probably agree with my new trainer, that I deserved everything I got, and I was beginning to believe that I should have just let Team Rocket steal me from the start. If I could go back, I'd have let those damn Spearow finish me.

Hours upon hours I was left to my thoughts, forced to ruminate on how this was all my fault, occasionally drifting to the idea that it was all Ash's fault because he was my trainer and friend, and he promised he'd always be there for me, which sent my mood spiraling further as I felt guilty for those angry thoughts.

And so, I was relieved to be let out again, feeling solid ground under my feet and inhaling the sea air, not caring that I would feel the effects of my collar again, or even giving a thought of what I would be asked to do in exchange for my freedom.

That was my mistake. I should have been paying more attention. "Pikachu, Thunderbolt!" I was charging up before I had even fully materialized, ready to unleash all my agitated feelings on my opponent, but when I looked up at the target, my electricity fizzled into nothing.

I was only sure of the fact that I should be Thunderbolt-ing something. Because everything else I saw should have been impossible.

Bulbasaur was staring back at me, his vines falling placidly to the ground in his shock. For a moment, neither of us knew what to do, despite the clear, explicit order that we were supposed to be doing battle. I saw his eyes flicker upwards for a brief second in pleading confusion, and when I followed his gaze, I saw a suffering Meloetta attached to glowing temple ruins, and Ash and Ritchie in a glass box suspended in the air, noses pressed against the glass and mouths agape in dumbfounded amazement.

There was not a word said as the stares were exchanged, and for my part, my brain stopped the second my eyes met Ash's brown ones. There was only one single thought running through, that somehow, inexplicably, he was _here._

Wherever here was. Beyond "island" and "ocean" I had no idea where we were. Had no need to know, and needed it less so, now, because Ash... against all reason, was _here_...

"Well," Ritchie said to Ash after a few seconds of silence had passed, "That solves one problem." Ash just nodded dumbly, unable to tear his eyes away from the scene below.

It was then that I realized what a horrible thing this really was. Meanwhile, the boss was shouting orders at me and Bulbasaur was shaking off his stupor. "So," he began in his usual deadpan manner, despite his battle tension. "It's been awhile. Anything new with you?" Pain rippled through me with every call to attack, and I couldn't hold out any longer.

"Just run!" I hissed, and was only able to give him a second to react before I was unleashing thunderbolts all over the cliff side. Despite my warning, Bulbasaur held his ground and began countering with attacks of his own, while Ash and Ritchie pounded desperately against the walls of their prison.

"Pikachu, what's going on?" Bulbasaur shouted between attacks, "We're here to rescue you!"

I was so far beyond rescuing I could have cried. "Well, don't!" I shrieked back at him. "You guys have to get out of here!" I was silenced by a wall of fire suddenly appearing in front of me, though Bulbasaur turned to the sky with shouts of rage.

"Watch where you aim, you crazy maniac! You want to burn me to a crisp?" Our aggressor, Charizard, ignored Bulbasaur and touched down to earth near us, keeping his disapproving gaze on me the whole time.

"We'd love to get out of here," he snarled, "But in case you haven't noticed, our trainer's been kidnapped, and the world's about to be destroyed." It was then that I became fully aware of the ominous cloud hanging above our heads, and the trinity of pokemon in the sky. Three beasts that radiated pure power were doing terribly one-sided battle with a handful of outclassed pokemon, some of which I recognized as my former teammates.

"Who are they?" I breathed, wincing as my collar triggered higher levels of pain.

Bulbasaur toddled over, eying my collar with suspicion, and began filling me in. "Thundurus, Landorus, and Tornadus. They were awakened after a ritual with Meloetta-"

"None of that is important!" Charizard thundered. "They're big, they're bad, and they're gonna blow this whole region to smithereens! So anything you can do to keep us from dying today," he fixed his intense gaze on me, "Would be really appreciated."

I had caused this. I was the one who handed Meloetta over to Team Rocket, and all my friends had run right into the apocalypse because they were looking for me. But I couldn't help them.

"I'm sorry," I said through grit teeth, before one of my legs buckled under me. Bulbasaur's vine's steadied me and his voice was full of concern.

"It's okay, we're here to help you," he reassured, and even Charizard had compassion.

"We'll get you out of this, Pikachu." Charizard looked over his shoulder at the air battle currently going on it the sky. "Somehow..."

"I'll handle this, go help the others," Bulbasaur ordered, and Charizard took off to the skies. Then Bulbasaur turned to me with a frown on his face. "That collar's doing something to you. Are you being controlled?"

Oh, I wished I could hide behind that excuse. "Just get away," I moaned, sending off some electricity. I purposely missed, but I couldn't keep up the farce much longer, or defy the boss' orders for too long. Bulbasaur was going to have to run. "I'm not on your side today."

"And I've never dealt with that before," he replied sarcastically, but was smart enough to start dodging. "At least you're holding back this time." As long as Persian didn't hear him say that... But since it looked like I was following orders for the time being, my collar's output lessened slightly, and we were able to keep up a weird sort of dance where heavy attacks were tossed around viciously but nothing ever hit.

However, Bulbasaur never got the hint that he really needed to get as far away from me as he could. "How do we get that collar off?" he asked while purposefully missing me with a Vine Whip.

"I don't know how they got it on!" My Iron Tail passed by his head with mere millimeters to spare, and now the boss was calling for Electro Ball. "Just roll over and play dead already!" Bulbasaur paused for a minute to give me a calculating look.

"Pikachu, do you even want to be rescued?" Rescued. From what? What was going to change? I'd still be the villain in this story, and Ash still wouldn't want me. Everyone would slowly turn away as they learned the truth, and once again, I'd be alone, not knowing what to do, where to go or what to think.

As bad as it was with Team Rocket, at least they could fill that void. There wasn't a place for me at home, not anymore.

And what was my supposed freedom going to cost? "You guys need to worry about yourselves!" I shouted back. "This place is a war zone, and the boss is nothing like Jessie and James!"

"Thank goodness," Bulbasaur muttered as he dodged an Electro Ball. "If I hear that motto one more time, I'm going to puke." I skidded to a stop, suddenly realizing something.

"Wait, how did you guys get here?"

"It wasn't easy," Bulbasaur began, sighing when a sailboat covered in R's and one huge, ostentatious flag bearing three familiar faces circled the island. "Really, it_ wasn't_ easy..." I wondered how much swallowed pride had to go down for this truce to have occurred.

As much as I tried, that thought wasn't able to distract me for long. I had reached my limit, and couldn't stand on both sides of this war any longer. "Bulbasaur, I'm sorry..." Bulbasaur only had a moment to look startled before my Thundershock took him out in seconds, leaving him fainted and singed, rather reminiscent of the day we met.

Up above us, Ash and Ritchie were still trying to break out of their prison, Ash resorting to his pokedex to help him out.

"Charmander! Br-break the cage with your tail, with your tail!"

I heard Charizard flying overhead with a muffled, "If that kid calls me Charmander one more time..." Meanwhile, Ritchie was using whatever space remained in the cage to try and beat some sense back into Ash's head.

"Are you nuts!" he cried, trying to wave Charizard away. "If he breaks the cage, we'll be hit, too!" Ash didn't call off the attack, but the cage didn't break, either, so Ritchie was able to feel that ironic relief that sometimes comes when Ash doesn't rescue you.

Meanwhile, Ash was not deterred, and looked over his pokedex with desperate determination. "Try... try Circle, Circle Toss!" He made spiral motions with his hand, and Ritchie peered over Ash's shoulder to look at the pokedex.

"Circle Toss? What's tha- Seismic Toss! Have you lost your mind?!" In so many ways, and Charizard wasted no time grabbing the box and triumphantly lifting it to the heavens, looping through the air in his signature manner before charging back to the ground. Just before they made impact, I caught a glimpse of Ash's face shining with that eager determination that he gets when he knows he's hit upon a plan that's going to work and has decided that the consequences can go to Hell.

I didn't realize how much I missed that.

"Pikachu, stop them!" I was ordered, but though I jumped into action, I had no time to let my attack connect, whether my intention of doing so was fully there or not. In the end, the three off them smashed into the earth with glorious force, and when the dust settled, Ash and Ritchie were seen picking glass out of their skin and hair, otherwise fine.

"When we get out of this, Ketchum, I'm killing you," Ritchie swore under his breath. "You can bet on it." Ash rolled his eyes and recalled poor Bulbasaur. Then, he ran over to Charizard.

"Help Meloetta-etta," he said, jumping onto Charizard's back, and as Ritchie ran off, Ash's gaze turned to me. "Now..."

His eyes narrowing was the only warning I got before Charizard shot forward and grabbed me in his arms. "Piiiiiika!?" We shot through the air, speeding so fast I could barely make out my surroundings. "Piii kaaaa Ch-"

Charizard cuffed me lightly. "Don't you dare let a Thunderbolt loose now," and I remembered how far it was back to the ground. "We're on your side."

And I was on the bad guy's side. "Okay, 'k, stop," Ash called, and Charizard's pace slowed until we were gliding rather peacefully. "P-pi-pikkkka, ka... You okay?" He still couldn't address me by name. What a rescue this was turning out to be. Had Ash even wanted to come?

As it stood, I was not okay, and I think my writhing in pain communicated that rather well. "Thing, that thing... on it's n-neck," Ash puzzled out, and Charizard nodded with a growl.

"Let's see if I can't get it off." He began clawing at my neck, which didn't help anything at all, nor did all his admonishing to stop squirming.

"You cut it out or I'll do more than squirm!" I threatened with sparking cheeks, and that was enough to make Charizard back off and Ash bury his face into the dragon's neck.

With that, my rescue party was out of ideas, and not far from us, our friends were losing their struggles. Thundurus, Landorus and Tornadus were at a level far beyond most of the pokemon, and Ritchie didn't seem to have any better luck extraditing Meloetta from the temple ruins while Sparky battled Persian.

The Golerk from before flew over to us, an unknown human riding it. "Ash! Are you guys all right? Isn't that Team Rocket's pokemon?"

"R-ridley!" Ash waved freneticly and pointed to me. I noticed that he didn't make any comments as to my identity. "That, that thing..." Ridley and his Golerk dropped down so Charizard could deposit me in the human's arms. "Can't get it off, get it off..."

"I might have something..." I tossed and turned while Ridley began fishing in his pockets for whatever it was that might be my salvation, but it was far too early to get my hopes up. "Found it!"

"Look, look out!"

I turned my head just in time to see a huge energy ball flying towards us, and couldn't even brace myself before we were shot completely out of the sky. We plummeted to the earth, and I no longer held back anything, weeping freely into the leg of the nearest person I could grab. Judging by the screams, it was probably Ash's.

I don't know how all of us who weren't Charizard or Golerk lived through our landing. For awhile, all I saw were swirls of black and brown, and I might have thought I'd fainted if not for the distorted voices I could still make out. I could sense that things were happening around me, but couldn't open my eyes or focus on any one thing. Numerous times, I would struggle to my feet and look around, only to find that I was still prone on the ground, eyes clenched shut while my imagination tricked me.

After awhile, things grew quieter. Whatever explosions and distortions going on were happening a little further off, and my mind was filled with more brown than black. One sound that broke through the haze was warm, comforting voice, and although I couldn't make out the words at all, it relaxed me.

With a jolt, my senses came back and I realized it was Ash.

The boy in question pushed back a little when I tried to move, but he needn't have bothered; even if I had inclinations to hurt him, I couldn't possibly do more than whimper at this point. Even turning my head was too much trouble.

Meanwhile, Ash was inching closer to me again. With nothing better to do, I watched him advance, our eyes locking as if his gaze held the power of Thunder Wave. His expression was a curious as it was terrified, and as joyful and relieved as it was pained.

"I-it...It's you, isn't it, isn't it?" he said softly, and when I didn't reply, he clarified, "This feeling, feeling..." he clutched at his chest, swallowing nervously, "The heavy feeling, it's because of you, because of you, isn't it?"

I broke the staring contest and sighed, but did allow for a slight nod. Surely, whatever horrible feelings he had were my fault, we'd had this discussion before. That decided, Ash gulped and bit his lip.

"That, that thing..." he said with a tremor, apprehension breaking his speech into choppy bursts. "O-on your neck... It's h-hurting you, hurting you, r-right?" Everything was hurting me. I no longer registered where the pain came from. "Again...I'm gonna...hold... hold still-still, I'm g-gonna try...try again..."

My body erupted in pain, and I screamed and tried to let loose a Thunderbolt, but the attempt was pathetic. Even so, it was enough to make Ash jump out of his skin. "S-stop, stop, trying... trying to h-help..." As terrified as he looked, I think the expressions on my face were worse. The next time he tried to touch my neck, I scratched at his hand.

And then promptly regretted it, as that small twisting of my body was enough to send me into a world of bright, white lights and endless stabbing. Ash jumped a clear foot backwards while I just writhed.

"PiKAAAAA!" I sobbed into the dirt, my body twisting around as it attempted to find a position that stopped the searing fire, but it was futile. Ash was crawling forwards, only to shrink back with every movement I made, a frightened game of keep-away with weak pleas for me to calm down and try to hold still. That was impossible, as I could barely comprehend that he was speaking.

But when I suddenly found myself wrapped up in a pair of familiar arms, a new clarity washed over me. It did nothing to dull the pain, but my new, lucid state recognized that Ash was gripping me tightly in his arms, close to his chest.

… had Hell frozen over?

His fingers were poking and prodding my sensitive neck, but even so, the shock of him actually touching me was enough to reduce my struggles to mere spasms and reflexes. "Gotitgotitgotitgotit..." I heard him muttering frantically as he wrestled with my collar, and after a good minute of grappling, I finally felt something break.

At first, I thought it was my neck. But Ash laid me down on the ground and backed away, triumphantly holding two sparking semicircles of wires and metal, and hurled them as far away from him as he could. That was my trainer; when out of ideas, just tear the obstacle apart with your bare hands.

_Former trainer_, I reminded myself, and laid my head down to watch my tears fall into the dirt. Everything still hurt, but I did feel a bit better. As long as I could stay still...

As if thinking the same thing, Ash crept closer. "Don't, don't move," he advised. "Your tail, tail, the rock fell on your tail..." I saw a rock, bigger than Ash, a foot or two away. "Char-Charmander helped move it, move it, but you can't...Joy will help, Joy will help... jusss don't move..." But when people tell me not to do things, it only makes me want to do them more. I labored to crane my neck in such a way that I could see what damage had been done...

… and promptly wanted to hurl. I turned my head away so fast it made me dizzy, which didn't help my spinning thoughts. My _tail_!

"It's okay, it's okay," Ash reassured, with an edge of worry to his tone as I started to wail. "It'll be okay, okay, Joy will help, just rest, rest now..." That seemed like a pipe dream, but I tried to hold still and not think about the mess that was my thoroughly crushed tail.

"Please don't ever rescue me again..." I found myself whining, "You guys aren't as good at it as you used to be..." I don't know how Ash responded to that, or if he even understood it. But he did take off his jacket and gingerly tuck it around my shivering shoulders.

"Y-you'll, you'll be fine," he whispered to me, giving an awkward pat before sitting back on his haunches. "You'll be fine..." I tried to accept that reassurance, even as explosions went on in the sky above us.

I saw Butterfree flying beside Pidgeot as they charged Landorus and saw them both blasted out of the sky, only to return a few minutes later, flying lopsidedly back towards their target. I wondered if Ash longed to be up there helping them, and if Meloetta was the one he truly wanted to be rescuing.

"We-we used to, to... travel, travel together, right?" Ash stammered out, distracting me from the epic sky battle and the way my body was trying to murder me. "Be-before? They said, that's what they said..."

I let out a noise, but couldn't bring myself to form words. It seemed enough for Ash, though. He turned his face to the sky, looking lost.

"Was everything always, w-was everything always so_ wrong?_" If I could, I'd have laughed. Oh, if only Ash knew... As it was, I was able to manage a rueful grin, and Ash looked back in disbelief. But we heard a noise from above, and his face morphed into a more shocked and terrified expression.

I had faced down a Zapdos, even managing to communicate with it's electricity. Thunderous put the entire Shamuti Trio to shame. Even Arceus, though commanding a venerating respect I couldn't even begin to describe, had never inspired the soul-rending dread that I felt seeing Thunderous bear down on us.

The lightning reflected in Ash's eyes, and his whole body went stiff as a board. He was locked in a fearful trance as the thunder flew down from the sky. "Go!" I choked out, breaking him out of it and forcing him to his feet. I tried to follow him, but moving sent the white-hot pain taking over me again, and I collapsed in a boneless heap. There was no way I'd be able to dodge, and I took a deep breath.

And that was when I saw the sneaker. That familiar sneaker, falling into view in front of me, not running away from what had to be it's owner's nightmares made real. I forced my eyes upward and saw a silhouette so iconic, it still made appearances in my dreams.

Arms outstretched, Ash stood before me, the only thing standing between me and a giant mass of lightning.

And that's when I found my strength.

Everything after that passed in flashes- my claws digging into Ash's shirt, his head turned in profile at the touch, tears and terror in his eyes, lifting into the air towards the attack- before everything hit.

_Don't fight it!_ I lectured myself, even as all my instincts cried to ward off the attack. _Don't fight, relax, let it flow into you. _Relaxing was the last thing I wanted to do, but it might save my life, and Ash's. _Be a conduit, let it flow through. It's just electricity, it won't hurt you._

It could, it very easily could, but I bit down all my reflexes and concentrated on the scores of electric power now racing through my body.

_Be a conduit. Let it flow._

_You're a conductor of energy. It'll flow through you like water._

_Be a conduit. Don't fight it._

I just kept repeating that mantra. _Don't fight it._

_Let it flow._

_Don't fight._

_It's just electricity. Don't fight it. It won't hurt you._

_Be a conduit, let it flow._

_Let it flow through you._

And, miraculously, I touched back down on the ground again, in one complete piece.

"Pika..." Not only was I not destroyed, I actually felt better, somehow. Which is what I told Charizard, when he landed in front of me and told me I should be dead. "No. really, I feel great!"

What a _rush! _I was overflowing with power, everything tingled and crackled with energy, and I barely registered the pain in my spine. The power had flowed into me, but it hadn't left, and I now felt I could rend worlds if I so wished.

Charizard still eyed me with wary eyes. "Normally, when you get overpowered, you go completely mental."

"This is different." Maybe. I didn't know. I had no idea what this was, just that it was amazing. I looked over my shoulder at Ash, though, and suddenly, it didn't feel quite so great.

Ash's eyes were wide, and he looked more distrustful and apprehensive than Charizard. He didn't say anything, just kept his distance, going so far as to take a step back when I tried to approach him.

And here I thought he'd be proud of me. "Oh, don't looks so mopey, even I don't want to be near you right now," Charizard muttered. "Go discharge some energy on Tornadus and then we'll all be able to relax." As if on cue, the sky exploded with another massive attack, and I realized that Charizard was right. We had bigger things to be worrying about.

Ritchie ran toward us with a barely conscious Meloetta in his arms, and Ridley followed behind on his Golerk. "I've got her!" Ritchie called triumphantly, "But we're not safe yet..." He looked over his shoulder, and the rest of us followed suit...

...Since when did the boss' eyes glow red outside of my nightmares?

"The Reveal Glass," Ridley said by way of explanation, while the rest of us just tried to pretend we weren't creeped out. Even Jessie, James and Meowth, talking with a scientist several feet away, were looking nervous. "We've got to stop this."

"But how?"

"Only Meloetta can calm the three legendary Pokemon," Ridley began to explain hurriedly, while the boss narrowed his glowing eyes at us.

"Pikachu!" he ordered angrily, and I'm embarrassed to say I flinched, "Finish them!"

Oh, that was right, I worked for Team Rocket now. Even so, I hesitated, while every one of the assembly tried to figure out what I was going to do next.

The way I was surging with energy, I could have taken out the whole group, easily, and Ash, for one, seemed hyper aware of that. But I didn't have my collar on, so I didn't have to obey, right?

"Pika!" I called back to the Team Rocket boss in defiance, but he just threw back his head and gave a maniacal cackle.

"Little late to change sides now, don't you think?" he taunted. "Should we tell your new friends how all of this is your responsibility?" I heard the collective gasps, and could somehow feel the way some of them froze up. "They're Meloetta's friends, you know, and you're the one who found and captured her. You've been instrumental to all the steps of Project Tempest!"

"No way!" I heard Ritchie hiss, but I wasn't sure if his anger was directed at me or the boss.

"They haven't come to reclaim you, they came for Meloetta," the boss laughed. "And they'll never understand the things you've done. After your stupid little trainer abandoned you, I'm the one who took care of you! I fed you, gave you purpose, I made you strong!" I closed my eyes, but I could still hear his words, and I found myself cowering. "There's nothing for you out there!"

"Pikaaaaa~" I whined, in some attempt at defiance, and shook my head, but inside, I was already agreeing. I didn't belong at home anymore, and the others would never understand, or forgive me. I wouldn't have been surprised if Ash _was _only here for Meloetta, and didn't harbor any delusions that things could go back to the way the were.

But I kept shaking my head and crying, because I didn't want to hurt my friends. I didn't want to cross this last line. "Pikachu, you are my servant!" I had crossed so many lines already. "After complying so willingly, never questioning anything, you're going to choose _now _to fight back? You think that makes you some sort of hero?" Once I made one concession, it was easier to make another, and another, until I was unable to hold myself back. The time to have stood up for my beliefs was long past, and if I really had a conscience, if I truly wanted to play hero, I should have done it weeks ago. "Finish them, and bring me Meloetta!"

It would have been so easy to obey. And then, I wouldn't have to think anymore. I could prove I was obedient, that I was loyal, and lose this collar for good. There would be no more pain, no more guilt, and it would all be replaced with tranquil simplicity. I'd be free of all my baggage with Ash, because it wouldn't matter anymore. It would be so simple, to do what I was told, be taken care of, and not have to feel.

If I fought back, even if we won, and I went home with Ash, I would have to face up to what I did. Admit all that had happened, and everything I had done. Most of the others would never understand, some of them wouldn't be able to forgive these things. And Ash still had his problems. He still didn't know me, he was still sick, and probably would be for the rest of our lives. "Home" held mostly pain, suffering and confusion.

The boss was right; Ash was still my friend, but I didn't belong at home. And where Ash had let me get captured, the boss had kept me so secured that no one could ever get to me unless I let them.

"Pikachu, listen to me!"

"Pikachu, don't listen to him!" Ritchie interjected, probably sensing that I was losing this battle. But I didn't know what to do!

Physically, I still felt the rush of so much electric power coursing through me, but mentally, I was exhausted. For weeks, I'd let Team Rocket make all my decisions, and it had felt good. It was easy to understand, and the sort of simple relationship I'd come to expect as normal. The boss didn't love me, but he used me, and as long as I did a good job, he would take care of me. I didn't have to think about anything larger than that. There was less fun, no friendship, but friendship had some downsides that I hadn't been prepared for.

I'd had so many fun years with Ash, but now, there was nothing but guilt and pain and loss. It could be that I needed to let all that go. It was over, and I had moved myself so far away from home and friends and family that I couldn't even imagine how hard it would be to try and go back.

Team Rocket could give me everything I wanted now...

... but there was one thing Team Rocket couldn't duplicate...

I remembered Ash stepping out in front of Thunderous, and how he stood in front of those Spearow. Wherever Ash was, there was also hope, and it had seen us through many dark times. Team Rocket could give me safety and security, even simplicity, but they could not give me hope.

And it was hope that allowed me to take risks, gambling everything on a chance. It was hope that caused me to make decisions for myself, and fight back against unbeatable odds. Hope led to trust, it led to joy and it led to love, and Team Rocket could not fabricate it. It wasn't part of their world.

I could choose to hope again, or finally surrender it altogether. I could choose to give up my freedom for numbing peace and security, or I could choose to hope, and take my chances. I could choose Team Rocket, or I could choose...

"Pikapi!" And as long as I chose Ash, he would answer those expectations with everything he had. And when he put his trust in me, there was nothing I couldn't do. "Pikapi!"

"P-Pikachu..." Ash stepped up to my side, fists clenched and eyes wild with rage. They softened a little when I caught his gaze, but he quickly looked away again. Though his head and left shoulder jerked and twitched slightly, he stood firm, and though his voice was soft, it didn't waver at all. "...Pikachu... Thunderbolt..."

I almost didn't believe what I was hearing, but when I questioned it, he just continued to glare at my currently possessed trainer.

"...heard me... get him..." I began to wonder if I was in some sort of dream, but Ash turned his back to me and clamped his hands firmly over his ears. "...I'll be fine... attack..."

I decided not to waste this chance. Digging in my heels, I prepared to give the best attack I had in me, and when I heard his command, "Pikachu, Electro Ball!" I leaped into the air and poured out all of my energy.

"Pikapikapika..." Every last ounce of strength, every last spark, I collected it all into the most massive Electro Ball I had ever seen. All of my anger, all of my sorrow and all of my joy combine to fuel my attack, and I actually felt for a second that I might be torn apart by my own power. "...pika chu PI!"

But when it released, there was no more worry. I watched all that electricity head toward my target with nothing but pride and fulfillment, two things I'd been devoid of for so long.

That Electo Ball decimated the platform. The Reveal glass, the stone incline, and most of the area surrounding it. When the dust cleared, the boss was lying face down in the dirt, with no way to discern if he were unconscious or dead.

For some reason, I was horribly torn on which outcome I would have preferred.

Jessie and James, however, answered that question for us. Before anyone could react, they had grabbed their boss and hoisted him up between them, and his groans proved that he'd survived the physical embodiment of my rage. I was strangely relieved by that, but decided it didn't matter.

"Team Rocket!" Ritchie cried out angrily, shaking his fist as vehemently as he could without jostling Meloetta, "Don't you dare try and escape! Not after what you did!" Ash took that as his cue to turn around, although, he may have been better off not doing so. The blood had all drained out of his face, and seeing all my destruction wasn't helping things at all.

His knees were shaking, and I seriously wondered if he'd be able to stay standing up, but Ash managed to grit his teeth and spit out his words. "I... will..._ never..._ forgive... you..." Jessie's expression actually seemed a bit wistful, but it might have been my imagination.

"Good to have you back, twerp." And then James threw a smoke bomb, and it was the last we saw of them.

That still left us Thundurus, Landorus and Tornadus, and we all turned around to face that danger while Ash lost all the strength in his legs and fell to the dirt. Though he remained sitting upright, he had passed into catatonia, and Ritchie and Meloetta fussed over him while Ridley tried to explain our current situation.

"Meloetta is the only one who can control them," he kept saying. "Her song can make them calm down."

"If they don't blast her out of the sky first," Ritchie shot back, wincing as Landorus released and attack that blew a speedboat to smithereens. "...and there goes our way home..." The rate this was going, we wouldn't live long enough to go home, and if these legendaries had their way, we wouldn't have a home to go to.

"We could distract them while Meloetta gets close..." Ridley said, but his tone was doubtful, and Ritchie echoed his sentiment.

"I don't think any of our pokemon can stand up to those three." That's when Ash decided to join the conversation.

"Pikachu can." He looked like he still wasn't quite with us, horror and bewilderment trading off with his determination. Even though he was clearly being stretched past all of his limits, his voice was resolute. "Pi-pikachu can. Can, can do it."

"What am I, chopped liver?" Charizard muttered, but Ash ignored him, and pointed at the two of us.

"Can do this. You, both, both go..." he ordered, and though I was touched by his faith in me, he looked like he might pass out from the emotional overload. I wasn't feeling so great, myself. Now that I'd discharged all of the extra electricity, the pain from my tail was starting to reclaim it's hold on me. And the pain in my spine, and my arms, and my legs...

Even so, I jumped onto Charizard, biting back a cry when something in my back seized up. I dug my claws into Charizard's back to keep me from falling off, and he turned his head around, concern in his voice.

"You okay?" A redundant question, as I hadn't been okay since he'd arrived, but I tried to answer affirmatively. Nodding ended up being more painful than it looked, so I blinked back some tears and tried to smile.

"Fine," I lied, rendering my bluff useless when I let out an involuntary whimper. But the battle was raging above us, and we needed all the help we could get if we wanted Unova to still be standing in the morning. And I had caused this; I felt I had to be the one to end it. "I'm fine, let's do this!"

Charizard was clearly doubtful, but he knew as well as I did that we were needed, and if we couldn't succeed here, the whole world might suffer. With a roar, he took off into the air, Pidgeotto and Butterfree joining us a few seconds later. Squirtle zoomed by on Golerk after that, and I saw Ritchie sending his pokemon into the fray as well. Between all of us, we had to keep the attention of the legendaries, and draw all their fire.

"Let's do this," Charizard growled, and sped straight towards Thundurus. We dodged an attack, then released Flamethrower and Thunderbolt simultaneously. I don't know how much damage we actually did, but we did manage to get his attention, and the retaliation was swift and brutal. Charizard couldn't avoid it completely, and when his wing got caught in the blast, we spent several seconds free-falling before he righted himself.

"PIKAAA!" In the process, I twisted my back and was assaulted with bright starbursts and searing pain. Charizard whipped around again, adding to my discomfort. "What happened?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine!" I shrieked back, unconvincingly, and pried my eyes open. An attack from Landorus had nearly wiped Ash, Ritchie and Meloetta all of the face of the temple, so I grit my teeth and charged up. "Come on, after Landorus!"

We had to keep them occupied. Ash was counting on us. Meloetta was counting on us. There would be time for fainting and Pokemon Centers later, but for now, everyone needed me to fight. "Pi... ka... CHUUU!" Even though I wasn't sure I could hold on any more, I would find the strength. "Pi...ka...CHUUU!"

"Just a little longer, Pikachu," Charizard said between flamethrowers, odd as it was for him to be encouraging. "We've almost got this, just keep going a little longer." I couldn't' even see, anymore. I barely knew where I was firing.

I could barely move, and I had run out of strength a long time ago. Even so, I heard Ash's voice telling me to attack, telling me I could do this, like we were in a tournament battle.

I didn't like who I'd been all these weeks. I didn't like that I'd lost hope, or that I'd caused all this suffering. But now my choices were leading me back in the other direction, and even though I wasn't sure how far I could go, I knew I could go just a little more. "Pika-CHUUU!" I didn't know what I'd be facing at home, what the extent of these injuries were, or what the future held for me and Ash, but I could carry on, just a little longer. "Pika...chuuu!" One more Thunderbolt, just one more, "Pika... … ChuuUUUUUUU!"

I liked that part of myself, the part of me that hung in there and never stopped fighting until the very last second, and I could be that again, right now. It wouldn't make me a hero, but if they needed me, I could hang on for a few more seconds. "Pi..."

It wouldn't make up for all the trouble I caused, or negate the way I'd completely given up on everything, and it certainly wouldn't make everything between me and Ash like it was before the accident, but I could hang in there until we won this battle. Just a little bit longer.

Until Meloetta sang. Until the trio of legendaries calmed down. Until the world was saved. I'd push myself a bit harder, and keep fighting for just a little longer. I owed everyone that much. I owed myself that much.

I could hang in there until we got to a Pokemon Center. Until we got home. Until Ash told me I did a good job. However long the fight was, I could keep pushing myself, for just a little longer.

Just a little longer...

Just a little longer...


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16: You Think You Can Win, But You'll Always Lose...

* * *

><p>"It's a miracle!"<p>

It was with groggy eyes that I lifted my head towards Bulbasaur's cheerful voice. "What's a miracle?"

"Ash!" he replied, as if it should have been obvious. "Something happened with that battle, he remembers everything!" I shot out of the Pokemon Center like a rocket. "You have to see this, Pikachu, he's all better!"

I could have argued that this was impossible. We'd spent a lot of time in hospitals listening to doctors tell us why it was impossible, and I could have asked how something so beyond the scope of reason could have suddenly happened. Then again, a little bit of glowing goo from the Tree of Beginning and Ash had managed to brush off being dead, so who was I to question spontaneous miracles?

Honestly, I didn't really care how it happened. Just that it had.

I found Ash outside, happily playing while the sun shone brightly down. All was right with the world. "Pikapi!"

When Ash turned to face me, there was perfect recognition in his eyes, and it almost stopped my heart with joy. "Pikachu!" But when I ran forward to jump into his arms, he stopped me. "No, don't..."

I skidded to a stop, looking up at him in confusion. "Pika?"

"I remember you, Pikachu," Ash said with a shake of his head and the saddest smile I'd ever seen. "I remember you, perfectly, but that's the problem..." His face wasn't cold, or angry, but it was disappointed and serious and it chilled me. "I remember _everything_."

I wanted to come up with a good defense, but I couldn't, so Ash kept talking. "How could you let me down like that, Pikachu? I needed you, and you gave up on me. You were so selfish." Now Ash was starting to sound a little bitter. "You even joined Team Rocket. I remember all of that."

"I'm... sorry?" I wasn't sure what to say, or what was expected of me. "I didn't mean to... I didn't mean any of that stuff... this was hard for me, too..."

"I'm sorry, buddy, but I don't think we can be friends anymore." My heart dropped out of my chest. "I can't trust you." Oshawott jumped up onto Ash's shoulder, waving his scalchop shell with spirit. "You let me down, and I need a partner I can count on."

"Wait," I choked out, watching Ash turn away from me. "Wait, no, come back! Talk to me! Don't leave!"

"You're not my pokemon, anymore," Ash said softly. "You're Team Rocket's pokemon. Maybe you should go back to them?"

"No! No, I don't want to, I want you!" I shrieked, but Ash didn't turn around. "I chose you!" Ash hung his head, and his voice was heavy when he spoke again.

"I told you, I remember everything," he said. "You're the reason all this happened. And instead of helping me, you made it worse." He started to walk away, and even though I tried to run after him, I couldn't catch up.

"Wait!" I called to his retreating back, a mist coming up that threatened to take him and Oshawott away. "Come back!" But Ash just shook his head as he walked out of my view. Team Rocket's boss walked up next to me with a smirk.

"_What kind of pokemon can't protect their trainer?"_

"Pika!" I jolted awake for the second time, startling an Audino on my left. It was with shaky breaths that I took in the unfamiliar surroundings and recalled the events of the previous day. We had battled, and I was in the Pokemon Center. I had battled legendaries, with Ash by my side, and now I was healing in the Pokemon Center. All was well in the world.

So why wasn't I happy?

"You're awake!" Audino cheerfully patted my hand. "How are you feeling, Pikachu?"

Dead inside. Soulless. "Fine, I guess." Audino gave a bright smile that I couldn't match.

"You've been healing really nicely. Joy's so pleased! You just have to stay in bed an extra day because your tail needs a little more time, but don't worry! Joy says you'll definitely make a full recovery!"

"Just an extra day, huh?" Thundrus, Landerus and Tornadus beat me to a pulp, Team Rocket's collar wore me straight down to my synapses and our fall from the sky had turned my tail into poffin mix.

And all I needed was an extra day? Ash's accident had put him in the hospital for weeks. He was never going to recover from some of his injuries. Wasn't this the part where we got our happy ending?

We had battled legendaries, and it appeared we had won, or at least, lived to tell the tale. I'd been reunited with my friends, and had finally found the courage to stand up to Team Rocket. Ash had commanded me in battle, asking for an electric attack, no less, and had stayed by my side to protect me.

I should have been celebrating. I should have been happy. Why did I feel so miserable?

"You're friend's been waiting for you," Audino continued, "Should I wake him up?" My friend? I followed Audino's gesture to some chairs in the far corner and saw Ash sleeping there.

As far away from my bed as he could possibly be, but he was here, collapsed on a couple of folding chairs and managing to look exhausted even while sleeping. "No, let him sleep." He'd earned his rest, and I wasn't sure I had anything to say to him right now.

"Well, you should get some rest, too," Audino chirped. "You've got a lot of friends who want to see you, so get well soon!" I don't think Audino meant for that to sound like an order, but I felt the pressure nonetheless. Everyone wanted to see me, everyone was waiting for my recovery, but I wasn't so sure I wanted to see them. Not yet, not until I could get my story straight.

I couldn't tell the others about everything that had happened while I was with Team Rocket. Even if I wanted to talk about it, no one could ever know. They had been pretty willing to accept that I was being forced to fight them during the battle, but how would that hold up today? Would they start to question why Pikachu, the eternal rebel, wouldn't have fought back against his captors? What if they talked to Meloetta? For most of the time I spent with her, my boss wasn't even around, but I hadn't done anything except follow orders. Would they question why I hadn't taken a chance to escape?

They were going to have questions. They were going to want to offer advice and comfort. They were going to make me talk about it and deal with it all and I didn't want to. Not with them.

Maybe not with anyone. What was supposed to happen now, anyway? Was I supposed to get on a boat and sail back to Kanto with Ash? Go back to the corral and act like none of this had ever happened? Keep hiding from Ash and ignoring all the whispers behind my back?

They'd rescued me, but what did they want from me, now?

Except... I hadn't really been rescued.

I had fought back against my trainer, that was true, and my old trainer had returned. The collar that ensured my obedience was destroyed, but... the collar wasn't the only thing that was keeping me captive. Ash may have shown up and chased away the boss and his henchmen, broke their technology and carried me back to the Pokemon Center, but according to the computer systems, I still belonged to Team Rocket.

And in my heart, nothing had happened to change that.

But I was here now, right? I chose Ash over the boss, wasn't that important? That's what Butterfree said, pokemon choose their trainers. I may have chosen to let the boss capture me, but I was choosing to go with Ash now. Team Rocket was long gone, and they had more important things to do than chase down one measly little Pikachu, Jessie and James notwithstanding. I'd only been captured as part of a larger scheme to steal Professor Oak's entire corral, and the boss only bothered with me because I had a small shred of potential. Hadn't he told me over and over how weak I was? They'd never waste their resources trying to drag me back.

But Ash had. He followed my trail all the way to Unova, because he wanted me, and I wanted him back now, and that was supposed to be all that mattered.

So, what was wrong with me?

There was a sudden flicker in the room, and I jumped a little as a green and grey figure slowly materialized over by the door. That trick of hers was unnerving. Had Meloetta been here all along, watching me? I couldn't imagine why she would.

Meloetta flitted over to my bedside. "I just wanted to thank you," she said shyly. "I heard about what happened, so, I'm very grateful that you helped save me. Thank you."

...was I in another dimension? "Aren't I the guy who captured you in the first place? You sure you want to be thanking me?"

"Well, you didn't want to, right?" Meloetta reasoned, and while she had a point, I didn't feel that was enough to erase my crimes. "Betraying your master to help a friend, that's really brave." Brave. That was one way to look at it. Seems that betraying my masters was all I ever did. "I hope you get better soon."

Having said her piece, she flew out of the room, fading invisible as she went. I lay my head back on the pillow and sighed.

I was happy to be back, I really was, but I was no hero. Meloetta might be able to forget, but I never would, and Ash...

...what would Ash think of me, now?

It didn't do me any good to worry, so I just watched Ash sleep and tried to think positively. Everything was fine, wasn't it? He was the one who rescued me, defended me, fought with me. There shouldn't have been any reason to worry.

_Just don't screw this up, Pikachu,_ I told myself. _Get it right this time, don't think too much, and everything will be okay..._

Ash began to stir, rattling the folding chairs a little, and I froze. How was he going to handle me? Were we friends? Enemies? Did he remember yesterday, or everything before that, or nothing at all? Was he afraid?

Was I afraid?

His eyes fluttered open and I watched with held breath as they started to focus on the world around them. I saw the emotions dance across his face, from the groggy irritation of having to get up to the mild confusion of not fully knowing where he was to the sharp panic from not being able to move or speak properly. I saw his fear building with every dart of his head, every jerk of his limbs, and I started to worry myself, knowing that I would be absolutely useless if Ash had a panic attack now.

On his feet, Ash investigated the room with fervor, looking to the window and the unfamiliar scenery, to the posters on the wall, and to my hospital bed. He didn't linger long on the last one, and I winced as his breathing got quicker and quicker. Tears formed at the corners of his eyes as he began pacing, hands clenching and eyes wide while I had a small panic attack of my own. What was I supposed to do?

And then, Ash took a deep breath. Though his eyes were still wide and it seemed as if all his muscles were like rubber bands stretched past their limit, he forced his breathing to slow a fraction, and his pacing grew slightly more relaxed and even. Second by painful second, his anxiety began to come down. I breathed an inaudible sigh of relief, though I still felt like I should be doing something to help him. That's what friends were supposed to do, right?

But Nurse Joy came in at that moment and relieved me of that duty. "Are you all right?" she asked in a worried tone, not surprising, given how upset Ash still looked. He practically launched himself at her, grabbing her arms with wild eyes.

"I, I... uh..." he moved his mouth, but had trouble finding the words and sounds he needed. "Um, um...ssss... p-poke, Pokemon Center, I- I'm at... the Pokemon Center..." he finally gasped out, searching Nurse Joy's face for recognition. "B-bat, bat-battle, battle, there was a battle... He-here, here, we... we came here, with M-meloetta, meloetta..." Joy nodded slowly.

"That's the story I heard," she said with a positivity that only barely concealed her wariness. But Ash calmed down at her confirmation.

"I, I was looking for something, looking for something," he stammered out, "Looking, then a battle, then a battle, and we came here, here... I was, I was looking for something..." He looked over at me for a second, then quickly looked away. Joy patted him on the arm, though it didn't give Ash much encouragement.

"Shall I go and find your friend?" she offered, and left to do that even though Ash didn't seem positive on whether or not that's what he wanted. He still seemed a little lost.

For the next couple of minutes Ash was very deliberate in not looking at me, though he couldn't conceal his agitation very well. He almost jumped out of his skin when Ritchie arrived.

"Ash!" Ritchie cried happily, Meloetta flying over his shoulder, "You're up!" Meloetta dived straight into Ash's arms, and he managed to hug her back warmly, despite his nervousness. I shoved my jealous feelings to the back of my mind.

"Uh, hi... um... hi, uh..."

"Ritchie," Ritchie supplied, and Ash stopped fumbling.

"Ritchie," he said in relief. "I... uh, he, he'sss..." He trailed off as he pointed to me, and Ritchie's eyes lit up.

"Pikachu!" I'm a little surprised he didn't throw himself on the bed and hug me, with all the enthusiasm he displayed, and it was all the more out of place compared with Ash's obvious attempts to put as much distance and as many barriers between us as he could.

_Don't focus on that. _ He was here. That was enough, right? It was all that mattered, and more than I deserved. Everything else could dissolve into the past.

"Sparky really wanted to see you, but he's stuck with Joy," Ritchie told me. "Ash's Pokemon, too. But they should be fine, soon. Maybe they can visit you later today?" The others, we had all been injured in that battle!

Ash must have seen the worry on my face. "J-joy says they just need rest, they just need r-rest." His baseball cap, the old league one from years ago, kept his face bathed in shadows. It didn't fit him as well as it used to, and he kept tugging at the brim. "Everyone, everyone's okay..."

"Yeah, you don't need to worry," Ritchie assured me, and I felt relieved. If anyone had gotten seriously hurt during my rescue mission, I'd never be able to forgive myself.

_Except your best friend. He can go die, for all it changes your behavior._

No, no, this time I wasn't going to make mistakes. Everything after the accident and everything before it, I would wipe it clean and start over. All the pain and hurt, I would bury it, along with all my selfish desires. This time, everything would be okay.

"Ash, you should probably eat something..." As Ash's stomach had just rumbled loudly enough to be classified as an Earthquake attack, he concurred. "And your medicine, don't forget that." Ash responded with a blank look, before the recollection hit and he made a face. The two of them left, with promises to return in a little bit.

For my part, I was glad for the solitude. Visitors were difficult; even without certain subjects being mentioned, they made me feel things that I wanted to forget. It wasn't their fault, but I had spent so long trying to pretend I didn't have emotions that actually letting myself feel something was too painful to deal with. I needed to rest.

So I let numbness wash over me and slept most of the day away. Occasionally, I drifted back into consciousness, but I kept feigning exhaustion and the others let me slip back into comfortable oblivion. It wasn't all a ruse; just the thought of actually holding a conversation sapped all my strength.

But eventually, I was forced to wake up and face the world, as Joy wanted to make sure my tail had healed properly, and for that, I needed to be awake. And the humans weren't the only friends who wanted to see me. I could only avoid it for so long, so I pretended I was excited to see everyone while we went outside and Ash called my friends out of their pokeballs.

It wasn't a total lie. I did care about them, worry about them, love them... but something felt off.

Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Charizard, Pidgeot and Butterfree all materialized in front of me, grinning from ear to ear. I forced a smile, even though doing so felt like sticking a knife in my chest. "Hi, guys!"

"Pikachu!" When did talking to my friends become a chore? Why did seeing everyone's happy faces make me feel miserable? But I pretended everything was normal and tried to laugh and joke like I'd always done.

Bulbasaur, as usual, saw right through me. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, you've been through a lot," the skeptic said pointedly, but I changed the subject.

"How did you guys find me anyway? We're pretty far from home, how'd you know where to look?" Everyone shared glances, so I knew my deflection hadn't been as subtle as I would have hoped. Still, they answered happily enough.

"That friend of yours, Cilan? You told us he was in a class of his own, but we had no idea..."

"We thought he'd lost his mind," Bulbasaur admitted. "Bayleaf had to restrain him. But it turned out he actually knew what he was talking about, once we got Snorlax to translate all the food metaphors for us."

"He solved the mystery and then he and Tracey worked out the plan to contact Jessie and James..." I was only half listening. To be honest, I didn't really care about any of it. But as long as they were telling their tale, I didn't have to do anything but smile and nod at the appropriate times, and hopefully, my feigned interest would keep them from asking about my side of the story.

But they would only let me be passive for so long. "Ash was really worried about you."

I wasn't sure how I felt about that information, if I felt anything at all. "...Oh."

"We realized there'd been a break-in, and saw that you were the only one missing," Butterfree shook his wings. "Man, I thought he was gonna go ballistic."

Well, that was nice, I supposed. I probably should have been touched, or something, but thinking too hard about things was exhausting. Besides, that was then, and this was now. All the paradigms had been shifted, so why waste energy on what had passed? It would only twist around to hurt me later, and what mattered was now.

"You should know," Pidgeot broke in, "Even though he knew you'd been kidnapped, it didn't seem to stick." That short-term memory loss, it struck again! No wonder it took them so long.

"Wow, that must have been the least motivated rescue mission ever!" I laughed and buried my bitterness. It didn't matter. So, Ash's heart wasn't really in saving me, who cared? He'd been there for me when it counted, and I was wiping the slate clean. When I was right in front of him, when he actually remembered, I mattered, and I wouldn't let some past grudges cloud that...

"No, Pikachu, we mean he thought you left." Squirtle frowned at the memory. "Like, you'd run away or something." That was unexpected. "He was really upset."

Even more unexpected. "I'll bet he was, if you guys were making him track down the guy he'd finally gotten rid of." Was I supposed to feel bad about this?

"Pikachu, you've got it all wrong-"

"Well, it doesn't matter now," I cut in. "You're here, I'm safe, and we can all go home together." I forced myself to smile a little. "So, thank you."

"Of course, always," they responded awkwardly, and that's when Joy walked up.

"Are you ready, Pikachu?" Yes, I was ready to get out of here, go home, and make everything normal again. Ash recalled everyone to their pokeballs and joined me, Ritchie and Meloetta walking into the Pokemon Center.

"O-only a bit longer, longer," he stammered, and it took me a second to realize he was talking to me. "Then you can go home, can go home. Th-that's good, right?"

"Pika!" Though I was stunned for a moment, my answer was cheerful. Ash was talking to me, looking at me, all of his own accord! And during that battle, he'd tucked his jacket in around me, and spent all that time by my side, just talking and trying to make me feel better. He'd even allowed himself to touch me.

He still acted scared and nervous, but I still felt it was a monumental improvement. Was he remembering more, or just overcoming his fears? Would things continue to get better?

But, that might have been too much to hope for. Ash looked better than he had in ages, and was speaking more or less coherently, but his shaking was getting worse. It was still manageable, but not as subtle as it was when I'd last seen him. Walking through the Pokemon Center, he earned discreet stares from the other patrons, for even a bystander could see that something about this boy wasn't quite right. I wondered if Ash was finally willing to talk about trying the procedure in Viridian, or if he was still avoiding the topic like it was me.

Finally, Joy led us to a large, brightly lit room, and ushered us inside. There was some equipment along the walls, as well as a small examination table, but the room was mostly open and empty. At Joy's request, I hopped up on the examination table and let her take my temperature, listen to my heartbeat and examine my tail thoroughly.

"Everything seems to have healed properly," she said, after feeling up my tail. "Let's try some of your attacks, just to be sure." I looked over at Ash, who was growing paler by the second. "Your muscles might be a bit weak, still, so just take it easy."

"Is that-that a good idea, good idea?" Ash spoke up, very fidgety and growing steadily more panicked. "Yesterday, at the- and the platform, the platform, it, it was just gone, gone..."

"This isn't the same," Ritchie reassured him. "Pikachu's not going full out, you heard Joy." This didn't seem to placate Ash much. "By the way, that battle was the day _before_ yesterday." Ash was surprised to hear that, but it didn't distract him from his growing fear, and he opted to leave the room while I tested out Electo Ball.

"Pikapikapikapika..." Joy was right, my tail did feel weak. Even though I was able to generate a fair amount of electricity, I couldn't feel enough strength in my tail to throw it properly, and all the adrenaline of two days ago was gone. "...Chu PI!" My tail ached a bit, but I was able to fire Electro Ball decently. It wasn't as fast, or flung as far, and it certainly wasn't as accurate, but it was acceptable, and I knew that with some practice, that attack would return to it's former glory.

Joy also reassured me of that, while Ritchie called out into the hall that it was safe for Ash to come back in now. "Now, let's see your Iron Tail."

Oh, yes! I felt a surge of excitement race through me. There was no electricity involved with Iron Tail, I could show off, let Ash see a different kind of power, show how useful and diverse I was in battle... "Go easy, though. Iron Tail can be a tricky attack, and I don't want you to pull a muscle or hurt yourself." I dismissed her worry and jumped high into the air, ready to show the best of what I was capable of.

But nothing happened. When I swung my tail, it dragged along slow and lazily, with no force or strength behind it. My tail didn't grow hard and metallic, it didn't even stiffen. I felt like I was trying to wave around a noodle.

I touched back down to the ground, feeling fear and confusion. "I was worried about this," Joy began, but I jumped up and tried my attack again before she could say anything.

Still nothing. "Pikachu, come here for a minute." I let her squeeze and fondle the muscles in my tail, let her take an X-ray picture, let her tap all over and check my reflexes, but my mind was racing a million miles an hour. How could my attack be gone? What was wrong with me?

According to Joy, nothing was wrong. "Your tail was severely damaged by that rock," she reminded me, "It's healed properly, but your muscles are still weak. Its going to take some time to build up their old strength." I lept off the table and swung my tail around a bit, hoping that a proper Iron Tail would materialize. I could feel that Joy's diagnosis was correct, but I didn't want to believe it. "It's lucky that you only lost this one attack."

Still nothing. My cheeks burned with humiliation and I tried again, but the results were the same. There was no strength behind my attack, the swing was slow and clumsy, like a half-hearted Tail Whip.

Whether it was because of the weakness in my tail, or the indiscernible look Ash was giving me, I had never felt so powerless in my life.

"Don't worry, Pikachu, you can learn Iron Tail again," Joy was saying, and Ritchie was quick to concur, pumping his voice full of false positivity.

"Yeah, a little training, and you'll be back to normal in no time! Right, Ash?" Ash's response wasn't verbal, and I suddenly found myself unable to look at his face. All I could do was stare at the floor while my embarrassment kept building, and I wasn't even sure why.

_Get a grip, you baby! _I ordered myself, but it did no good, and my eyes stung with the beginnings of tears. The echoes of Team Rocket's laughter rang in my imagination, they'd all be howling if they could see me now.

Finally, I couldn't stand there under everyone's worry and pity and fake cheer, and made a dash for the door.

"Pikachu, come back!" Out the door, down the hall, across the grass... I kept running, as far and as fast as I could manage, until I was stopped by a fence near an embankment. It overlooked the ocean, sparkling and beautiful and somehow mocking me, because everything was mocking me today. Even the ocean had to be especially stunning to highlight how broken I was by comparison.

The grass beckoned me, and I curled up on the ground and sobbed.

I couldn't use Iron Tail, one of my best attacks, one of the only two I had that didn't send Ash into some kind of shock, and the only defense I had against a ground type _and Ash and I had learned that move together! _ He taught me that, days of training and practice and Roxanne's gym battle- So many memories flooded my mind, every second spent learning Iron Tail and every instance I'd ever used the move since. After all the things that had been taken from me, I felt like this was the final blow.

I heard Ash's footfalls long before I dared to lift up my head and look at him. It didn't matter, though, as he opted to stand several feet away, seemingly gazing casually over the ocean if not for the nervous death-grip he had on the fence.

He didn't sound any less nervous when he opened his mouth. "I-I, uh... Ssso, um, I woke up, th-this morning, I woke up, a-and I tried, I tried to talk to everyone and I couldn't, I couldn't..." he fumbled out to the ocean air. "I-it was really ssss-scarey, scarey. I bet at first, the first time, I was probably scared, too, and angry, and angry, p-probably..." I tried to stop sniffling into the grass, but Ash had unknowingly stumbled on one of the reasons I was so upset. Ash had lost a basic human skill, among other things, and I was wailing over Iron Tail? Ash took a deep breath and it seemed to relax him somewhat. "B-but know, now, I know it's not a big deal, not... not really. You're strong, so you're gonna be okay, okay..." he turned his head a fraction, just enough to be looking at me, and though it was timid and shy, his mouth had the curves of a smile. "You're gonna get better. Today, today, you might be scared, but later, later, it's not going to be a b-big deal."

I wanted to run over and hug him. I wanted him to scoop me up in his arms and tell me all of this while facing me properly.

I wanted to thunderbolt him for letting this happen to me in the first place. For daring to think he could give me words of comfort when all this was technically his fault.

I wanted to remind him that even if I could learn Iron Tail for the second time, Ash would never return to normal.

But in the end, I just sat quietly and looked out over the scenery, until Ash raised his voice again.

"I, uh... I found this... this, back when..." A black pokeball was procured from his pocket, and my eyes widened as he enlarged it. My Pokeball, the new one... For having only spent a small time in there, I knew it perfectly. "What... what do you want to do, to do with it?"

_I should break it. Throw it away. Drop it in the ocean. _ But I did nothing, even as Ash set it down in front of me. _ I should destroy that thing. I don't want it. I hate Team Rocket. I hate the boss. I hate it all!_

But I couldn't bring myself to do it. In the end, I ran away, leaving Ash and the pokeball behind me.

* * *

><p>I think they thought that spending some time with the other Pokemon would cheer me up. It didn't.<p>

"Don't worry, Pikachu, you'll relearn Iron Tail in no time!"

"Yeah," I muttered.

"Or you could learn a different move!" Squirtle inserted. "Re-learn Volt Tackle, that one was super cool!" I just sighed and flopped down on the grass.

"Whatever."

Everyone shared uncomfortable looks between themselves. "Pikachu," Bulbasaur began gently, "You haven't said anything about what happened... do you want to talk about it?"

"What's to tell? Butch and Cassidy grabbed me, and then you guys grabbed me back."

"But that collar... that was pretty creepy..." I was starting to grow irritated.

"I said I didn't want to talk about it, okay?" I barked, and that made everyone back off. "Sorry, I didn't mean to yell."

"It's okay..."

"I just want to be alone for a bit, think some things through, you know?" Whether out of kindness, or ruffled feathers, they granted my wish.

"If you change your mind," Bulbasaur said as they left, "We'll be here." I waited until they were out of sight to let out a the sigh I'd been holding in. Why was I such a jerk?

And why did everyone have to get on my case? Couldn't they see I wasn't in the mood for all their chatting and questioning?

They couldn't understand how I felt. It wasn't their fault. They couldn't understand how losing Iron Tail was crushing me, or how seeing that pokeball sent all rational thought flying from my head. Because they didn't know all the hours Ash and I spent perfecting that move, or the hours I spent honing my skills further with Team Rocket. They didn't know how it felt to constantly hold back the electric attacks, when my electricity was as part of my daily life as walking and breathing, and how deliciously wonderful it had felt to use Thunderbolt in battle, for a trainer who had let me go full out. And they certainly couldn't understand how badly I had hated to go into pokeballs, to the point that I would rather put my life in jeopardy, and then had let Team Rocket's boss capture me with hardley a thought.

And they would never, in a million years, be able to understand why I couldn't destroy the object I hated so much.

How could I talk about that with any of them? The things I had done over the past few weeks, when I looked back, I couldn't believe it had really been me. But it was, and it was something far beyond anyone's ability to understand.

I appreciated their good intentions, but I was alone.

* * *

><p>We started training right away. With a rock tied to my tail, I tried to build up the strength in my muscles while Ash did push-ups nearby. It would have felt like old times, except for the gaping distance between the two of us, and the added presence of Meloetta and Ritchie. That, and Ash was horrendously out of shape, after all his time spent wasting away in the hospital. Even now, his muscles weren't always cooperating well enough for heavy exercise.<p>

"You can do it!" Meloetta cheered, though I suspected her cheers were meant more for Ash than me. The two of them seemed close, closer than they had any right to be for how short a time they had known each other, or at least, that's how it felt to me.

Not that it was any of my business who Ash chose to be friends with. "Come on, you guys, a little longer!"

I made it through a few more repetitions before my tail started to shake, and Ash took compassion on me. "B-break! Break!" We both rolled over onto our backs in exhaustion, and it would have been cute, how in sync we were, if Ash wasn't always trying to keep me out of his main focus. Still, I should have been happy that he was helping to train me. It was more than I expected, and way more than I deserved.

After some deep heaving breaths, we got up to continue. "O-okay, 'k, swing your t-tail!" I obeyed, after Ritchie helped me untie the rock, but I still couldn't get my tail to harden the way it normally did. I knew it would take time, but it bothered me, how weak I felt.

Back with Team Rocket, I had been drilled on Iron Tail for days on end. I hated to admit it, but the added element of desperation in that training had pushed me beyond boundaries I didn't even know existed. And all along, the boss oversaw my progress with a knowing smirk. "Could you old trainer have done this? Was he ever this strong? Could he have unlocked your true potential?"

I was forced to concede that the boss was right. If he had been here, I'd have regained control over Iron Tail in less than a day, or have died trying. Not that I was wishing to go back to that life, or anything.

"Swing! One, two, Swing!" I followed Ash's orders numbly, switching off my brain so I could passively meet his demands. It wouldn't do me any good to be comparing training tactics, or my lack of progress under my current trainer. I wanted to be with Ash, so I should just do whatever he said, and everything would be fine. If I thought about it too much, I would just mess it up again. _Go through the motions, don't think about it too hard, you'll get Iron Tail back eventually, just listen to his voice and do what he says..._

"Stop, stop..." Confused, I turned around, and I wasn't the only one. Meloetta and Ritchie were just as surprised by Ash's announcement, and the boy himself crossed his arms with a puzzled frown. "Something's, something's wrong..."

"What do you mean?"

"Melo?"

Ash couldn't put his finger on it. "Jusss... just feels wrong..." He came to a decision and nodded to himself. "We're stopping, stopping, take a break." Just like that? But he was insistent, and Ritchie and Meloetta were driven off to play elsewhere. I would have left as well, if Ash had not called out to me. "Wait..."

He wouldn't face me, keeping his face turned away, but he kept his serious tone. "S-something's wrong... d'you, do you feel it?"

Everything was wrong. It had been wrong for months and it was only getting worse. But all I said was, "Pika..."

Ash made a humming noise in response, but wouldn't look at me. "This... this isn't working... " I froze. "Joy, joy says you're fine, but he..." I heard the disgust in his voice, "Who was, who was he? Th-that trainer..."

"I'm fine," I said back, a little defensive. Like I even knew where to begin answering that. Even when Ash's words made sense, I never know what was going on in his head to prompt them. "Just tired. I'll get this down, soon..." I had to. I didn't want to think about what would happen if I couldn't.

"What h-happened?" Ash asked again, and this time, I felt my hackles rise.

"What does it matter?" I snapped. "Why didn't you ask that when I went missing, instead of playing with Meloetta?" When he looked hurt, I regretted my words, but before I could apologize, Ash had run off.

So much for forgive and forget. But even if I could manage to do both, which I needed to, there were things I could never tell Ash. If we were going to patch up our partnership to the point where it was functional, there were going to have to be boundaries.

There were things I had told Team Rocket that I could never tell Ash, new or former. He'd go crazy if he knew how broken I'd really become, but Team Rocket, they knew exactly what kind of mess I was. The boss knew precisely how much faith I'd had that Ash would come for me, that he loved me and I loved him, and he knew when that faith had run out. He knew how much pain I could take before I screamed and how much before I begged, and just how to stroke my fur to soothe the pain away.

He knew how to make me cry and whimper, how to make me rage, and he knew all the fantasies I had of paying it back in kind. I told him, in all sorts of horrible words, just how much I wanted to make him pay, and he knew, especially towards the end, how little resolve I actually had to go through with it.

I could never tell these things to Ash. I didn't want him to know, but more importantly, _he _didn't want to know, Ash wasn't as strong or as devoted to me as he used to be. My time spent with Team Rocket's boss was private, and I didn't want to share it with anyone.

If I were lucky, I'd forget it someday, and it would be like a bad dream. But for now, I'd have to keep putting on an act for everyone so they wouldn't worry. I could do that.

I could keep going, until this all went away.

* * *

><p>For the second time, Ash had stopped our training because something "didn't feel right", and I was getting frustrated. I was trying as hard as I could to re-master Iron Tail, and to obey Ash, but I couldn't do anything if <em>he<em> wasn't trying.

Ritchie seemed to sense how I felt, and presented me with an idea. "Do you want to work with me for a bit?" he asked. "I've got an idea I'd like to try, and then we can surprise Ash with how much you've improved." I wasn't terribly keen on the idea, but I needed to be doing something. I agreed, and Ritchie started running me through a drill he'd used in training Sparky.

It wasn't that it was a bad idea, or that it was ineffective, but I didn't enjoy the training at all. The only thing that kept me motivated was the thought that Ash might be happy if I finally got this right. Otherwise, the whole thing made me uncomfortable.

I remembered that day I'd pretended to be "Sugar" and let someone else command me in a battle against Ash. We'd agreed to it so easily, wanting to help a friend, but we'd both been surprised by just how much it affected us. Neither of us had expected to feel the way we did, and we both agreed that we hated it and we should never do it again. It wouldn't be the last time I'd helped someone else, or even assisted another trainer in a battle, but we'd always set boundaries after that, even if they were just verbal. I was Ash's, and Ash was mine. He handled all my training, and I fought all my battles for him.

Of course, all those past feelings shouldn't have mattered after letting myself become a pawn of Team Rocket. The boss had pushed me to new heights, together, we'd perfected my Thunderbolt into something Ash would have been delighted to see.

Even now, after the big rescue, I was still Team Rocket's. All the skills I wanted to dazzle Ash with had been given to me by someone else.

"Come on, Pikachu, more energy!" Ritchie encouraged. "You'll never get anywhere if you don't push yourself!"

I nodded placidly and ran through the drill another time. I would get this, I would grow stronger, and show Ash that it wasn't hopeless. I'd regain use of Iron Tail, maybe he'd teach me all new moves to replace the offending electric ones? I could do this, I was going to be perfect...

"W-what are you, are you doing?" 'Offended', was the word I would have used to describe Ash's voice, but when I turned around and saw his face, I changed my assessment to 'betrayed'. "Why, why...?"

Ritchie, ever-cheerful and apparently oblivious, tried to explain to Ash what we were doing there. "... and then I got the idea to try it with Pikachu, to build up his tail muscles. We thought we'd work on it and surprise you." Oh, we'd surprised Ash, all right. He backed away from Ritchie like the boy had a knife in his hands. "Ash?"

Technically, I didn't belong to Ash anymore. And after the way he'd been treating me, we really couldn't claim to be close friends or partners now. Moreover, he was the one who had let me be captured, leaving my pokeball in the corral to get smashed and never letting me near him and taking so long to rescue me. His own botched rescue scheme had caused me to lose Iron Tail in the first place, so he had no right to act like Ritchie and I were figuratively cheating on him.

But I felt bad anyway, and I hated that Ash was always making things feel like my fault. "Well, what did you want me to do?" I asked. "It wasn't like you were doing anything."

Ash looked crestfallen, and I almost apologized on the spot. "But, but I..." he trailed off, mouth moving but no sounds coming out, "..." I didn't know what he was trying to say, but how he felt seemed fairly clear.

"Sorry, I just thought this would help," Ritchie said, but his words didn't seem to console Ash at all, and Ritchie was still acting bewildered that this was even an issue. "I helped a lot of my pokemon learn moves this way. I thought I'd teach it to Pikachu and maybe he'd progress a little faster."

And something in Ash's eyes died. I watched the light in his eyes just blink out of existence, and he stared back at me and Ritchie with an expression that I'd never seen before. Not once in my life.

"Ash, are you mad?"

"No..." Ash intoned, cracking a smile that did not reach his dead, blank eyes. "Th-thanks, for helping, thanks..." I think Ritchie recognized that something was wrong, and he spent the rest of that awkward day trying to make it up to Ash. By the end of the day, he'd more or less succeeded and Ash was behaving jovially again, but I couldn't forget what I saw.

I couldn't be sure, exactly, but I think I'd just found what it was like to see Ash Ketchum give up.

* * *

><p>In the morning, Meloetta and Ridley would be leaving, and everyone had stayed up late to chat, eat and in the case of Squirtle, profess undying love for Meloetta. If I were in such a mood, I'd have pointed out that she was clearly taken with Ash, and Squirtle didn't really have a chance here. But he seemed just as happy with his unrequited affection, so I kept that thought to myself.<p>

I didn't dislike Meloetta. Not at all, but being around her made me uncomfortable. She was everything I was trying to forget, a constant reminder of everything I wasn't and everything I unfortunately was. That, and Ash really enjoyed her company. Watching them together made me feel cold and empty, even if I was surrounded by other friends.

And so, as nice as it was to spend time with everyone, I decided to retire early. The Pokemon Center wasn't crowded that day, so there were plenty of empty rooms and spare beds to choose from, and I curled up on one in the room across the hall from where Ash was staying.

I didn't know why, but I suddenly felt exhausted, and wished I could sleep through the next month. Two months. Forever. Always relaxed and peaceful, unencumbered by anything.

That would have been nice, but the rest of the world had other plans, and I was disturbed by a knock on the bedroom door.

I rolled my head over towards the sound, and watched the door slowly inch open toward me, though no one actually entered. Even after the door had fully opened, the person on the outside continued to hide behind their two inches of wood.

I had a pretty good idea who it was, though. "Pikapi?"

"Ah!" There was some stammering, and then, nervously, the brim of a baseball cap appeared around the edge of the door. "I-is it okay, is it o-okay if I... I... in, can I c-come in?"

This was unusual. I gave him the permission he didn't need to ask for, and laid my head back on the pillow as he scuttled in, tripping on air and fidgeting uncontrollably. I might have lied when I said this was okay, but I couldn't refuse him. After what had happened in training, I probably owed him.

"Um... I..." Ash fumbled with a chair and set it near the foot of my bed, facing away from me, and sat down. His gaze was towards the wall, his back to me, and I wasn't hurt by that. Before, it would have bothered me, but no longer. If that was how Ash wanted it, then that was how it was going to be; I was only a pokemon, all that mattered were orders. Not who gave them, how they were given, or what they were. None of this had to be personal.

"Uh, yeah... I..." Ash seemed a bit more relaxed now that his main focus was the opposite wall. "Wanted to... talk, talk to you... tell you..." He could have stayed outside, having fun with Meloetta, but he didn't. It was touching, and I tried to focus on those positive feelings. "I'm glad, I'm glad you're b-back.. know... know you think I'm not, think I'm not, b-but...but I am..."

I wanted to believe that. I really did.

"Then why was my pokeball in the corral?" So much for this not being personal. Stupid kid, able to manipulate my feelings since day one. "Why wasn't it with you? Why did you let this happen?"

Ash took a few minutes to get my meaning. "W-why...? Why did I, did I... leave the po-pokeball in the...?" He shook his head and swung his feet. His legs were too short to properly rest on the floor, and it made him look younger than he actually was. "I don't know... I don't... remember... I'm sorry. Sorry..." And he was sincere.

It would have wrenched my heart, if it hadn't been shattered already. This time, it was too late to say 'sorry'. An apology wouldn't be enough to fix this mess.

But, it didn't really matter. Ash was an idiot, that was nothing new, but he wasn't cruel. As a pokemon, all I was expected to do was follow orders, so why should I care if Ash _forgot the reason I had been tortured for weeks on end?_

Ash must have sensed the feelings I was trying to suppress. "Job, that-that was my job..." he said morosely, "My job, but I didn't... I didn't do it. I'm sorry."

I felt like it should have been enough. If I would just reach out, there would be a lifeline, I could jump for it, and this simple apology would be enough to heal everything that was hurting me, but I knew what reality was. There weren't enough apologies in the world to make this situation okay, and the more Ash tried to fill my heart with complicated emotions, the more I resented him for it. "I'm sorry."

I hated him for stirring up all the feelings I'd buried, coming back into my life and made everything hurt twice as much as before. I chose him over Team Rocket, but I couldn't be what I used to be, any more than he could be like he used to be. I didn't want everything to hurt again.

Lashing out at Ash would only make me feel worse, but I couldn't stop myself. We would never be like before, and I hated Ash for pretending like we were.

"You liar," I muttered out, and if Ash didn't understand my words, the sentiment came through loud and clear. "You're not sorry, you don't even know what you're supposed to be sorry about."

I could sense Ash's hurt frown without having to see it. "Y-you, you're hurting... I'm, supposed..." To what, protect me? That was how our whole debacle started, his stupid obsession with protecting things. "I'm you're trainer, so..."

"Ha!" I snarled, a hurt laugh bubbling to the surface, and I snarled back my reply. "You haven't been my trainer for _weeks!"_

Ash was silent after that. His legs stopped swinging, and the two of us let the quiet reign while our thoughts swirled around us.

What I said was harsh. This was not his fault, and he couldn't be held accountable for things he couldn't reasonably be expected to do. And despite his aversion to me, there was no evidence that he had wanted any of this to happen.

I needed to be perfect. I had to stop taking all my feelings out on him, I needed to try harder to master Iron Tail, and I needed to keep all of my horrible, dark feelings buried so far down that no one would guess they were there. We would never be like we were, but if I didn't mess this up again, it would be close enough.

We could make this work. As long as he stopped pretending he loved me like before, because I knew it wasn't true, and I would never be able to forget all the ways he'd unwittingly let me down. "I want you to know, I want you to know..." Ash said as he got up from his chair. He walked over to the door, and though he stopped, he didn't turn around to look at me. "If-if you're in trouble, I'll come save you, I'll save you. Always, if you need me, I'll save you. I always will." Months, and I couldn't get him to stay in the same room with me, and now this?

I hated him. I hated how I loved him so much.

"I'll always save you."

After he left, I put my paws over my mouth to muffle my screams. Everything I had ever wanted, but I couldn't truly have it. How dare he say that after letting me be captured and tortured and forced to fight my friends? How dare he make a promise like that when he spent most of his time cowering from me? How could he say those words when he knew that saving me was the whole reason he was broken, scared and damaged?

How could he forgive me for everything, and how dare he learn to love me just as my ability to love had been slaughtered?

This was karma, or irony. A few months ago, and I would have leapt for joy to hear such words from Ash. Now, they only cut me like an attack of Razor Leaf.

The boss had predicted this. He knew I'd never be able to go back, he'd told me that countless times, not that I had a great history of doing what my trainers asked. I wanted to be with Ash, I still did, but everything he did frustrated me. I felt there was always something black and ugly beneath the surface that I needed to suppress, and it was getting harder to do that.

Why did he always have to make everything so difficult? But, since day one, Ash had never done what I'd expected him to. Why was I expecting that now would be any different?

But I couldn't keep going like this. I didn't want to keep snapping at everyone, my bad mood constantly growing, but I also didn't want to go away.

I was just going to have to try harder. I would be perfect, I could make everything perfect.

* * *

><p>Ridley was perched on Golerk's shoulder while he waited for Meloetta to finish saying her goodbye's. Everyone save Butterfree was smitten with her to the point of tears, and I suspect the memory of Butterfree's mate was the only thing keeping him from going misty-eyed like our companions.<p>

"Goodbye, everyone!" Meloetta chirped, and she even had a sweet smile for me, which was touching, considering everything. But Ash received the warmest goodbye, and she dived into his outstretched arms to embrace him for several minutes.

I wasn't jealous. That would have been stupid. Because Ash could make as many friends as he wanted, I didn't own him. And he didn't own me, so why would I be threatened by someone else getting close to him? More importantly, Meloetta was nice, gentle, and she clearly made him happy...

...as soon as they disappeared into the horizon, I ran off into hiding and spent the rest of the afternoon to myself. I let my thoughts eat at me until I heard a boat-horn in the distance, and several people calling my name.

Despite all my reservations, it was time to go.

All the same, I was slow and hesitant in leaving the shady bush I'd been dozing behind, and took long enough that Ash managed to find me.

Our eyes locked for a second before he tugged his hat over his eyes and turned his back to me. But he didn't leave, and instead, sat down shakily in front of the bush. This was becoming a regular thing, Ash turning away to talk to me, but at least he was speaking to me now. That was progress.

"It's, uh... it's time, time to go..." he said, "Do-don't you... want to go home, home?"

Did he think I didn't? Ash buried his face into his knees and kept mumbling. "You can leave, leave if you want, don't-don't have to stay, but... but..." But? "But, you should..."

"Pika." It wasn't that I didn't want to go home, or that I had any intention of disobeying him. I was just confused, and the thought of going back, having to deal with everyone else and their questions... It was going to be hard. Just like dealing with Ash was sometimes hard.

But that didn't mean I wanted to stay behind.

It was hard for Ash to say his next words. "... please come home... R-ritch... Ritchie, he, he'll be there, you like Ritchie, right?" He sounded so sad, as if pleading with me. "He's a-a good trainer, trainer, you'll learn Ir-Ir... train, and get strong, stronger..."

I left the bush with a sigh, "You don't have to bribe me. Especially not with Ritchie." It was a little insulting. But it was comforting to know that I was wanted.

Ash curled into himself a little more. "I... I know, know I'm not..." he took a breath, "Not smart, smart, like Ritchie, or str-strong... He'ssss ssa great, great trainer... but I..." I was worried Ash was going to cry, and decided I wouldn't be able to handle seeing that. Given our current track record, I wasn't even sure why it was happening.

"Hey, I'm coming home, okay? So, cheer up!" I tried to sound happy and consoling. "Let's get going, or the boat will leave without us!" I ran out to the docks and Ash followed behind.

I don't know why I didn't tell Ash he was a great trainer, too, or he had been, or that he was the main reason I wanted to go home. I don't know why I couldn't bring myself to say something to give him confidence, or even just reassure him. I knew that I should have, but I didn't, and I honestly couldn't understand why.

But to know that Ash wanted me, more importantly, that he would cry if I wasn't around, that was hard to process. Empowering, but confusing, too. And I was a bit busy dealing with all those emotions to handle Ash and his rivalry issues.

I tried not to think about it, but in the back of my mind, it still pricked at me.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17: きのうの敵は 今日の友 (An enemy yesterday is a friend today...)

* * *

><p>Home was exactly the same as we'd left it.<p>

I was completely different.

I walked the familiar house like I'd done a thousand times, but I didn't belong. The flower garden smelled the same, but I was a stranger. Professor Oak's corral hadn't changed a bit, but I felt like an intruder.

It wasn't that I wasn't happy to see everyone, but they were too much, and they were so excited to have me back, but I wasn't me anymore. They wanted to see the Pikachu I'd been before the kidnapping, and I could only keep up that act for so long.

It was easier to be alone, but that didn't stop Corphish and Glalie from trying to throw surprise parties whenever they could. One time, they'd startled me so badly that I'd Thunderbolted them.

"He's still a bit twitchy," Bulbasaur explained with a sigh, while I apologized profusely.

"I'm not twitchy..."

"We just wanted to cheer you up..." Seems I wasn't that great of an actor.

"Well, thanks," I sighed, "I really appreciate it." I forced a smile, but it seemed to just encourage them more.

I should have been grateful that they cared. Not everyone could be so kind to the person who'd barbequed their trainer.

But it was exhausting, and even if their intentions were good, I didn't like the way they kept talking behind my back... "... well, maybe Pignite could talk to him? He might have a better idea of what Pikachu's going through."

"I'm not sure Pignite really knows what_ he _went through, let alone Pikachu." I rolled my eyes and strode into the clearing where everyone was having their 'secret meeting'.

"Guys? Enough already. If you want to say something, say it to my face." I don't think my face was all that intimidating, because even though they jumped with surprise, nobody backed down.

"Fine. You're not yourself, Pikachu. We think you need help." Bulbasaur was calm, but unyielding, and the only defense I could come up with was to laugh.

"Really? Because I feel fine."

"You jump at shadows, your temper's non-existent," Snivy listed off, "You're always brooding by yourself and you don't seem to care about anything-"

"I care about lots of stuff!" Like not being in this conversation. "It's you guys who keep picking on me!"

"Picking on you? Pikachu, we're worried!" Squirtle had stepped forward now. "You were gone for weeks, and that stupid guy did all sorts of horrible stuff-"

"Shut up!" I spat back, before I could even think about it. Because he wasn't stupid. The grunts were, they were crude and idiotic, but the boss was a gentleman. A businessman. He wore expensive suits, listened to classical music and drank wine out of crystal glasses. It was an insult to everything I went through to call him 'stupid'. "You guys have no idea what you're talking about."

"That's why we want you to tell us," Quilava timidly spoke up, "So we can know how to help you."

"But I don't need help!" What I needed was to stop thinking about it.

"We're your friends, Pikachu, give us some credit!" Bulbasaur snapped. "We know when something's wrong!"

"Oh, do you?" I laughed coldly. "Then where were you the last few weeks? Where were you on the day I was kidnapped? I don't remember you being around to help me then!" Everyone shrank back a bit, guilty. "Or all the weeks before? You were so happy, weren't you, that Ash loved you or remembered you, I bet you didn't even care how I felt-"

"That's not true!"

"Shut up!" They were supposed to be my friends. Why were they making everything harder? "What I need is to be left alone! What do I have to do to make you understand that?"

"All right, Pikachu, fine! We're sorry!" I didn't like the look in their eyes. It made me feel like I was the bad guy, and I got enough of that from Ash.

The boss had been right, I didn't belong here anymore.

* * *

><p>Training was not going well. Though I felt my tail had grown a little bit stronger, our progress had plateaued, and all of us were frustrated. I could see that Ritchie thought I wasn't trying hard enough, even if he never said it, and Ash still maintained that "something was wrong" and he wanted to stop.<p>

For me, I didn't know why I wasn't improving, but I was starting to feel scared. If I didn't master this soon, what was going to happen?

Meanwhile, at the house, tensions were high for a different reason.

"I thought we agreed_ I_ was making dinner tonight."

"That tastes somewhat inaccurate." After I'd gone missing, Brock had traveled down from Pewter to help locate me. I don't know if something had happened between them, but I was starting to worry that one day we'd find either Brock or Cilan with a carving knife stuck into his back.

"Your food tastes 'somewhat inaccurate'!" Brock retaliated. "What is half this stuff? It looks more like an art project than a meal."

Cilan sniffed. "Taste, substance and presentation are the marks of a chef who has honed their craft to perfection."

"Yeah, well, I'm questioning the substance..." Misty later pulled Brock aside by the ear.

"What's with you, lately? Back in Unova, all I heard was 'Cilan's so cool! Cilan's such a great chef!' What happened?" Brock just shrugged away her hand.

"I don't know, everything about him just tick's me off..." But they weren't the only one's bickering. Ash, continuing to insist that 'something was wrong', had started to avoid Ritchie outside of training situations. When asked about it, he would shut down, and even though Ritchie tried to open dialogue, it seemed like the more encouraging he was, particularly about Pokemon training, the quieter Ash would become.

Unless Gary was around, in which case, Ash might still keep his silence, but he'd be almost violently irritable. "Come on, Ashy-boy. You've got to say something sooner or later."

"..."

"This wasn't cute when we were seven, and it's really not cute now."

"..."

"You're acting like a baby. But whatever. Don't talk, don't get better, and someday I'll be a famous researcher and you'll just be a loser. See if I care." It was obvious that Gary was trying to provoke a reaction out of Ash, but it seemed even Ash's greatest rival wasn't going to be able to push him over this hurdle.

"I give up. Smell ya later." Gary stomped off, leaving Ash stewing and fuming, and still silent.

A few hours later, Ash would be himself again, as long as Ritchie didn't push anything, but this behavior bothered me. I didn't like the way his eyes lost their determination and their sparkle at those times, like something was eating at him from inside.

No matter where I went, there was conflict. "We have got to get through to Ash about treatment. The longer he puts it off, the worse he's going to get."

"We can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do!"

"But this is killing him!"

Tensions were running high. "Good grief, Pikachu, what is wrong with you?"

"Why are you guys always causing me trouble?"

The air was thick with discord. "I swear, Cilan, if you add your unpronounceable spices to my curry..."

"Oh, it's_ your_ curry, now, is it?"

And I was in the middle of all of it.

I tried my best to master Iron Tail, to show even the smallest shred of improvement. I tried to be encouraging to Ash, saying and doing all the right things without being overpowering and scarey. I tried to console Ritchie without looking like I was favoring him over Ash. I acted twice as cheerful whenever I was around the other pokemon. I fawned over both Brock and Cilan's food equally, even as they shot glares at each other across the dinner table.

It was exhausting. And useless.

The clang echoed through the whole house when Cilan's cloche hit the floor, and I knew I could do nothing to salvage this situation, because nobody messed around with Cilan's cloche and got away with it. All I could do was pray that the next words out of his mouth wouldn't be "It's Homicide Time!"

As it was, the look in Cilan's eyes was frightening enough. "You're going to regret that!"

"Am I, pretty boy?" Brock looked ready for a brawl. "I'm not scared of someone who needs three gym leaders to do a job I handled by myself!"

"Why, you-!"

"Boys!" Delia shouted, and at her rebuke, they looked appropriately chastised, but we could see, as they slunk out to the backyard and shot dirty glances at each other, that this fight wasn't over.

In fact, as soon as they were out of view from the window, Cilan shoved Brock. "I can't believe you'd do that to my cloche!" he yelled, in a voice that declared he thought Brock had no honor as a chef.

"Ha! A real cook doesn't need fancy pots! Am I right, Misty?" Misty looked away.

Brock knew as well as I did how much Misty liked gourmet cuisine. It was only her loyalty to Brock and aversion to the conflict that kept her opinions to herself. "Stop arguing. Do you want Ash to hear you fighting like this?" But Misty's lack of support only pushed Brock further.

"You don't belong here, Cilan! Go back to Unova!"

Cilan crossed his arms non-nonchalantly, but his knuckles were white. "I'm Ash's friend, just as you are."

"I think you want to be a lot more than just friends with Ash."

"Oh, we're going to go there, are we? How original," Cilan said with condescension, while Misty just froze.

"Brock, what's gotten into you?"

"Well, why else would you follow him all the way back to Kanto, and hang around so long?"

"Why don't you tell me?" Cilan challenged, grinning at Brock's taken-aback face. When Brock didn't say anything back, Cilan wagged a finger. "Now, now, don't accuse me of things that you don't have the courage to say aloud."

"You're a freak."

"Of course, forgive me. How dare I let friends know how much I value them and offer all help I can when they face a life-altering crisis. There must be ulterior motives at work."

"Pikaaa," I urged, not liking this situation at all. But Brock and Cilan had gone far beyond the point where they could just drop everything and get along. They were striking for blood, now.

"I'm just saying, Ash's got friends and family here, and he's recovering nicely. Looks like you need him a lot more than he needs you."

Cilan smirked. "Perhaps that's true. But consider, how long he's traveled without you and all the time he's spent here without needing you at all? If I'm so unnecessary, you must be downright dispensable."

"I've known Ash way longer than you. I was his best friend before he even knew you existed."

"After which point, he's clearly changed his mind."

Brock snarled. "And look where that got him." That strike hit clear and true, and Cilan couldn't deflect it. Brock moved in for the kill. "You were with him that day, you were supposed to be his friend, but you're just useless, aren't you?" Though Cilan pretended to stand strong, we could all see him crumbling. "No one wants you here, you're just a big, annoying joke. You pretend you're here to help Ash, but the truth is, none of this would have happened if it weren't for you! Everything that happened to Ash is your fault!"

"That is not true!" Misty shrieked, clutching Azurill close. "Brock, apologize!"

"I believe we are at an impasse," Cilan said coolly. "What's the saying? 'Too many cooks spoil the broth'?" Brock grinned slyly.

"Hey, if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen."

* * *

><p>The next morning, Cilan announced that he was leaving for Unova. "I've been away from the gym for quite some time. If I don't return and battle challengers, the PIA will suspend my Leader Qualifications."<p>

"And you have to do this right now?" Ritchie asked with suspicion, knowing full well of the tension between Brock and Cilan.

Cilan finished cramming all his pots and folding tables into his backpack, then hefted it onto his shoulders. "I suppose not; there's still some months left of my allowed time for sabbatical," he said. "But things seem to be going well here, so it seems as good a time as any to take my leave." He winked at Misty. "It's best to appease the PIA as much as possible, am I correct?"

"Yeah," Misty agreed glumly, carrying on with the ruse. "We're going to miss you, though. And your crème brulee." Brock refused to meet Cilan's eyes while everyone said their goodbyes, and we all pretended there wasn't anything unusual about the fact that the two weren't speaking.

The real trouble was when Ash came downstairs. "...y-you're _what?_"

"You knew I'd have to go home eventually, didn't you?" Cilan said in an attempt to remain cheery. "But, don't worry, there's cake in the fridge. Your mother's saving it for dessert tonight." For all Cilan's chatter, it did nothing to change Ash's initial horrified reaction.

"B-but, but you said," he stammered, hands shaking, "Y-you promised... we talk, we talk a lot, and you..." Taking pity on him, Cilan put a hand on Ash's shoulder.

"You have a video phone, Ash. You can call me any time."

"But..." Ash hung his head, "Movies, you talk about movies, trains, trains, and f-fishing, and I listen, I listen, and you said... and I, and I tell you, tell you lot's of stuff, you always listen, even, even if it's wrong, you under-derstand, listen to all of it..."

"You can still talk to me whenever you want. I'm not dead."

"Important..." Ash whispered, and Cilan stopped. "That's... that's what you said." Ash raised his head again, looking a little helpless. "What, ...what did I d-do?"

"It wasn't you." The response was immediate and emphatic. "I swear, I'm not leaving because of you, or anything you did, I promise you, Ash." That didn't seem to be enough of a response. "I meant what I said. You're the best friend I ever had. " He grinned so infectiously that Ash couldn't help smiling a bit in return. "And I love talking with you. You have got to be the most interesting person on the planet. I won't ever forget you." His smile drooped a little. "I have to go back to Unova now, but it's not because your taste soured or grew stale. We'll see each other again, I promise." Ash blinked away his tears and nodded.

"Unova... t-that's where hair, girl with the hair, she lives there?"

"You mean Iris? Yeah."

"Sh-she'll talk with you, right?"

Cilan's smile was fake. "Of course!" Iris was wonderful, but she generally treated Cilan's bursts of passion like they were annoying and troublesome. Ash had always been the one Cilan found a listening ear with, getting excited about all sorts of things simply because Cilan was excited, and that mattered to Ash.

Of course, Cilan would have his brothers, but I suspected he might be lonely without Ash, and Pansage confirmed it when I bid my goodbyes to him. "He's going to be a huge pain for the next little while," Pansage bemoaned of his trainer. "I bet we'll be watching sad movies and eating ourselves sick for a month straight..." That did sound like how Cilan would cope with lonliness. "Traveling with you was good for him. He became his own person."

"I dunno, Cilan's always been a bit of an..." Currently, Cilan was thanking Delia for her hospitality by comparing her to a seven-layer cake. "...individual..." Pansage laughed.

"Yeah, but our identity has always been "The Striaton Trio"," he explained. "But now, we've got Stunfisk and Crustle, who've got nothing to do with the gym, and I've made friends with you, and Axew, and all the pokemon here. It feels like I'm just Pansage, and he's just Cilan. Our flavors are great together, but they can be used in other dishes, too."

I guess that made sense. Pansage smiled over to where the humans were still exchanging sad goodbyes, save Brock, who kept hanging behind awkwardly. "It'll be good to see Panpour and Pansear, as well as Cress and Chili, but I think Cilan really enjoyed making a friend who wasn't obligated to get along with him..."

"Well, we're off!" Pansage ran over when he heard his trainer's call, and vanished into his pokeball. Cilan turned to give everybody one last wave. "It's been a pleasure."

Except for these last few days of the cold war in the kitchen, it had been. "...d-do you have to, have to go?" Ash asked, and Cilan almost broke.

"I'm sorry," he replied, then plastered on an easy smile. "But Ash, you've so many friends here, and so much to do! I'm sure you'll be far too busy to be missing me!" However, Ash was of the opposite opinion.

"...I miss everyone who leaves..."

The hug Cilan gave Ash could have strangled the boy, if Ash weren't embracing him back with just as much force. "Best Wishes, Ash."

"B-best W-wishes..." And then, he was gone.

* * *

><p>I think Brock felt guilty about driving Cilan away. After all, Brock wasn't normally hot-tempered, though certain topics could set him off. If I were to guess, I'd say he was ashamed of how he'd acted, and if Cilan were around, he'd have given the most sincere apology ever heard.<p>

But Cilan was not here, so Brock's feelings of guilt could only stew. Meanwhile, Ash had grown moody as the day progressed, not only due to Cilan's absence, but the way the rest of us were so awkward about it. It reminded us of a fight we should have stopped, and hurt feelings that, as friends, we should have been able to soothe.

The training that day was less productive than usual, and made all the worse by the presence of Gary. After we all decided to call it quits, he followed us back to the house. "Cheer up, Indigo Platuea wasn't built in a day!"

"..." Ash didn't respond, and had already been shutting Ritchie out for some time, so Gary's rude tone began to escalate.

"Even if today didn't go so well, you can't give up! That's for losers."

"He's right," Misty agreed when we arrived. I jumped into her waiting arms and let her cuddle me. "Pikachu's trying his best, so I'm sure he'll relearn Iron Tail in time."

Ash made a face, and Gary poked him. "Sheesh, how'd you get all your badges with an attitude like that?"

We were all surprised when Ash shoved Gary away from him. "What? What? What's your problem?" Gary took a step back and held up his hands in defense.

"Hold on, there, Ashy-boy..."

"Why are you so mean to me, mean to me?" Ash demanded, and we all saw the pain mixed in with the anger. "No-no one else, just, just me!"

"Oh, come on, Gary's rude to everybody," Misty joked, while Brock nodded, and Gary pretended not to take it personally.

"Anyway, we're kind of past this. Several years and league conference past."

"But I, I was worst," Ash glowered, and Gary crossed his arms in front of him. "Why? Only me, why?"

I expected Gary to deflect it, but instead, he rolled his eyes. "Oh, fine, if you want to know..." He leaned against the wall and pretended like none of this was worth his time. "Molly Hale."

"Huh?" Ash looked stunned, along with Brock and Misty.

"You're kidding, right?"

"No, I'm not," Gary snapped back. "Ash promised to play with me that day, but instead you went up to Gramps' lab to play with Molly. That's why I hated you." I doubted this was the whole story, but it seemed to mean something to Ash.

"Sorry..."

"Why are you apologizing?" Misty gave a surprised laugh. "That's the silliest thing I ever heard!"

"To think," Brock was also laughing, "Years of bitter rivalry over a kid who could barely walk!"

"Not, it's not silly," Ash disagreed, and his apology to Gary was sincere. "Sorry."

"It's been more than a decade, Ketchum. I'm over it," Gary huffed, but it was lacking in it's usual arrogance. "Later, I've got stuff to do."

Brock, Misty and Ritchie, however, still found the whole thing weird. "I can't believe that was the secret behind their huge rivalry."

"I know. Who'd have thought Gary was that petty and childish?"

"Uh, have you known Gary long?" Misty rolled her eyes at Ritchie. "Still, that's stupid, even for him."

"It'sss not stupid," Ash disagreed again, to the disbelief of everybody.

"You're kidding, right? Why?"

"B-because," Ash said simply as he walked out of the room. "My, my dad came back..."

* * *

><p>It always came in the silent, midnight hours when I was alone and half-asleep. The air would go stale, the moon and the house lights would dim, and the room would echo with metallic footsteps. From the corners, I would see shadows moving and hear purring or deep chuckles, but as soon as I moved to fight or flee, the vision was gone.<p>

At those times, I wanted to run to Ash, but I knew I couldn't. Even so, there were several times that I would try, making it as far as his bedroom door and wondering if I dared wake him and ask him to help me.

But in the end, I always retreated. I knew that I needed to handle this alone, not go making more trouble. I needed to figure this out alone. Something was wrong with me, horribly wrong, but I couldn't burden Ash with yet another thing, couldn't cause more trouble. Nobody could find out about all the things swirling in my head, all the pain and hurt and hate. That was my struggle, and I had to overcome it.

And as I went back to sleep, in my mind, the boss was always laughing at me.

* * *

><p>I knew I should have been happy that people cared about me. That they loved me, were worried about me and wanted me to be happy again.<p>

But when Bulbasaur rounded up some of our friends and cornered me for an intervention, all those thoughts went out the window. "Are you kidding me? Would you leave me alone? I have enough to deal with!"

"We're doing this because we want to make it better!"

"Well, this isn't really helping!"

"Pikachu, you're not yourself," Bulbasaur insisted, and I could have rolled my eyes. Of course I wasn't. It didn't take a genius to see that.

But I didn't need all their prodding and pressure. "Look, I know you guys want to be all noble, but stop making me your project." That ruffled some feathers, and it was Butterfree who stepped up to the plate.

"We're doing this because we care about you," he insisted. "It's not healthy for you to keep going like this. You need to talk to someone."

That was the last thing I needed. "I haven't seen you for years, Butterfree! Now you show up and think you know how I feel? You don't know anything about me!" That shut Butterfree up. On to the next batter...

"This isn't you, Pikachu," Staraptor said. "Can't you see why we'd be worried?"

"Well, all you're doing is causing me trouble," I replied viciously. "Can't _you_ see that you're annoying?"

The general outcry wasn't any less hostile, and I could see Bulbasaur's worry as he lost control over the situation. Served him right, for messing around in my personal life. "You're such a brat! I don't know why we put up with you!"

Honestly, neither did I. "Well, if I'm such a nuisance, why don't you leave me alone?" I spat. "Then we can all be happy!"

"Maybe we will!"

"That's enough!" Bulbasaur intervened, and I tossed my head.

"Sure is. I'm out of here."

"Oh, no, you don't!" Bulbasaur was the only one who chased after me, but he was also someone I could easily outrun, even after Ash and Ritchie had put me through my paces. However, I'd forgotten about his Vine Whip. "Gotcha!"

"Let me go, you-"

"Okay, I agree, the group ganging up on you was a bad idea." Bulbasaur refused to call off his vines. "But it's just you and me, now." True, no one else had followed, my bad attitude saw to that. "So, spill it. What's bothering you, and how can we help you _get _help?"

"I don't need help," I shot back, and Bulbasaur just sighed.

"I've seen a lot of stuff in the Hidden Village," he told me. "The kind of stuff that makes me wonder how I ever gave Ash a chance. Some humans are real jerks, you know."

I did know. "And you think that makes you an expert on me?"

"No, but..." Bulbasaur was growing frustrated. "I don't think you understand what Team Rocket was trying to do to you-"

"Oh, that's rich!" I shrieked. "Remind me, of the two of us, which one was actually there?"

"You don't get it, Pikachu, because you haven't seen it yet!" Bulbasaur roared back. "But I have, I've seen it a million times! Team Rocket wasn't trying to capture a powerful pokemon, they wanted to make you weak! If they'd had their way, they'd have made it so you wouldn't be able to _breathe _without them around!" He was seething, but not at me. "I've seen this a million times, Team Rocket would have hurt you in every way possible, and you would be begging them for more! That's how broken they wanted you!"

It scared me, to hear Bulbasaur talk like that. It scared me more to think that he might be right.

"You're right, I don't know what's going on in your head, or how you feel," he continued, "But I know that even though we got you away from Team Rocket, you're still letting them control you!"

When he put it like that, I saw everyone's point of view. However... how could I do anything else?

"I...I know, okay..." I murmured back at Bulbasaur, and he seemed to calm down. "I know that, but I'm going to be fine. I can deal with this." There was nothing wrong with me, I just needed time.

Because Ash had more than enough to deal with right now, and I didn't want to find out what he'd do when he realized that he didn't want to deal with a broken Pikachu on top of everything else.

"Not by yourself, you can't. We all want to help you, why are you pushing us away?"

"I don't need your help. I don't want it. I don't want to think about this anymore..." I just wanted it to go away. "Let me go."

"Pikachu, you can't-"

"I can't do this, I can't do that!" I shouted, my mood changing into something black. "What _am_ I allowed to do, huh?"

"Listen to the friends and family that love you?" Not good enough.

"I am _sick_," I coldly hissed, "Of people telling me what to do. Now, let me go."

"Pi-"

"Let me go," I said for the third time, "Or I'll give you a Thunderbolt even Ash hasn't seen." Bulbasaur must have known I wouldn't really make good on that threat, and that even if I attacked him, he'd simply faint and be revived with very little damage. I could tell by the way he looked at me, that he wasn't afraid or intimidated by my words.

But he let me go, anyway. There wasn't much else he could do.

* * *

><p>It seemed like forever, but finally, we made a breakthrough in training. My tail grew hard and metallic, if only for a second, and I nearly fell down and kissed the dirt.<p>

Finally. _ Finally!_

It was only for a second. Though I tried all day, I couldn't duplicate it a second time, but just knowing that it was possible gave me a little hope.

"You should try using Pikachu in a battle," Ritchie suggested, his face falling when Ash turned away. "If he's in a battle, the adrenaline might kick in and push him further."

A battle. Yes, yes, I wanted a battle. I wanted to use Iron Tail. I wanted to feel something shattering on impact, and I wanted Ash to have to look me in the eye...

… But all Ash said was "Maybe..."

* * *

><p>The shouting and screaming from the front yard had startled everybody, and we all ran out to see what the commotion was.<p>

I didn't expect to find Ash trying to pound Gary's face into the dirt, but I shouldn't have been that surprised. He'd been volatile all day, and we were all walking on eggshells, waiting for the moment he threw a tantrum over something.

That he was being so violent, though, that was a surprise. And that the target was Gary- the two of them had been joking happily just that morning.

"Ash! Ow-I'm sorry!" Gary yelled, trying to defend himself, though not as well as he probably could have. "What the- OW!"

"Ash!" Brock pulled Ash off the other boy and held his arms down. "What's gotten into you?"

"Best, you're the best!" Ash shrieked at Gary, not caring who heard him. "Had it, I've had it, sick of it! You're the best, now you're the best! G-gary's better than Ash, better at everything now, happy? Are you happy _now?_" Happy wasn't even close to what Gary looked right then.

"No, I..." It wasn't often that I felt sympathy for Gary Oak. "Ash, that's not what I-"

"_Are you happy now?!"_

"Ash, stop it!" In the end, Gary ran off home like a herd of Houndoom were after him, pale and shaken, while Ash stomped up to his room and slammed the door. "No lunch for you, mister! Not after that!"

"What's gotten into him?" Brock asked, and everyone else gave nervous nods. "It's like everything we say puts him in a bad mood."

"I think he's just upset because his father's coming home today," Delia sighed, and she ran a hand through her hair as if she hadn't just said something monumental. "He does tend to get moody about that."

Ritchie didn't understand, but Brock, Misty and I exchanged pointed looks, eyes wide like saucers. "Um, Mrs Ketchum," Misty began delicately, "Does Ash get along with his dad...?" Delia blinked in surprise, then laughed.

"Why, of course he does! But, you know, boys will be boys..." None of us knew what to make of that, but when Delia left, we formed a huddle.

"I told you," Brock said. "Didn't I tell you?"

"Fine, you told us," Misty huffed. "I guess it's true..."

"Um, what's going on?" Ritchie asked, and we quickly filled him in.

"We've traveled with Ash for years, and he's never once talked about his dad. When Ash mentioned him the other day, that's the first sign we had that the guy was even alive."

"Or that Ash knew who he was."

"I should talk to Ash," Brock said abruptly. "I should have asked him years ago." But nobody was quite sure if it would drag up painful memories, and whatever the situation was, it never seemed to bother him.

"Look, we're not sure Ash even wants to talk about it," Misty pointed out, but Brock disagreed.

"That's when we thought he didn't have a dad, that he'd died before Ash was born or something. But now we know the truth."

"I'm not sure we know anything yet," Ritchie said uncertainly, and Misty agreed.

"Do not go turning this into your personal mission, Brock."

"Misty, I know what it's like to have issues with your dad," Brock responded sternly. "If I were Ash, I'd like to know that there was someone I could talk to, someone who understood." And with that, we all went up to Ash's room, opening the door cautiously.

"Ash?" Ash was writing furiously in his journal, but he stopped when we came in.

"...hi..."

"We, uh, wanted to talk to you about something," Misty began, and Ash nodded, actually cracking hints of a smile. For Misty, he'd always smile, until she started picking on him. Brock sat down on the bed beside Ash, while I moved to the corner of the room, where I was not quite as visible and threatening.

"So, your dad's coming to visit. What's he like?" Ash stiffened, and his eyes grew wide.

"Huh? You... how...?"

"Your mom told us." Ash didn't look too pleased by that. "Is he a Pokemon Trainer, like you?"

"Not like me," Ash mumbled, but didn't say more.

"You remember my dad, right?" Brock continued. Ash didn't nod right away, it could be that he didn't remember. "He and my mom, they're not always the most reliable. I love them, but they ran off and abandoned me a lot. Left me to look after all my brothers and sisters. I hated both of them for a long time, and even now, we don't always get along."

"T-that's sad..."

"For years, I thought they left because of me. Because I did something wrong, or because I was too hard to take care of, or something. But it wasn't true." Ash seemed sympathetic. "You never talk about your dad, you know."

"...oh..." Ash stared at his hands.

"Even when we were traveling together, you never talked about him. Has he been gone for a while?"

"...yeah..."

"Do you miss him?" Ash nodded. "But you don't want him to be here." Ash waved his hands in protest.

"T-that's not, not, I..." but after a second, he surrendered. "It's, it's... hard, hard when he's here..."

"What's he like?" Ash didn't answer that, so Brock just patted him on the shoulder. "Well, we'll meet him soon, I guess. I just want you to know, whatever reason he had for leaving, it wasn't your fault." Ash responded with a strange look. "And you're not a bad kid if you feel angry. Sometimes, dads don't always do the best job."

Now Ash's eyes were narrowing. "What, what are you talking about, talking about?"

"Your dad, Ash. I'm guessing he's a lot like mine. Always running off somewhere, and not coming home for years. Abandoning his family when they need him."

"...no, no..."

"You never talk about him, and the thought of him visiting makes you upset. You don't have to pretend, anymore, we get it. We've never seen him, even after all our visits, and he didn't even come to see you while you were in the hospital-"

"_WHAT?"_

Ash was on his feet, horror written in his eyes, and everyone suddenly had a sinking feeling. Even Brock was starting to think this might have been a bad idea. "Sorry, Ash, I just mea-"

"Liar." Ash seemed terrified. "Liar, you're lying, l-lying..."

"I'm not, Ash." Brock stood up and took a step towards him. "We were there the whole time. He never came to see you."

"B-but that's not, no, no!"

"We shouldn't have brought it up!" Misty crossed to Ash with an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, Ash."

"T-take it back!" Ash yelled at Brock, ignoring Misty. "Take it back, it's a l-lie!"

"I'm not lying."

"He wo-wouldn't, he wouldn't...!" And then Ash burst into tears.

Sobbing, cascading tears.

"No, y-you're lying, he wouldn't leave, never, never leave us, he was there, he was!"

"What's going on up here?" Everybody looked properly ashamed when Delia walked through the door. "Ash? Honey, what's wrong?" She ran to Ash's side, followed by a not-unfamiliar man.

"What's the matter, half-pint?" Long gray hair, trench coat... all of us were on our feet.

"Silver?!" Ritchie could only point. "When did you get here?"

"Just now," Silver replied, with barely a nod in Ritchie's direction, focusing more on Ash. Speaking of Ash, he'd stopped crying and was now running out of the room, giving Silver a violent shove as he passed. "Ouch! What was that for?"

"Ash! Get back here and apologize!" Ash, however, was long gone, and Delia fumed. "I'm running out of punishments for that boy..." She was about to say something else, but Ritchie cut her off.

"Silver, why are you here?"

"Can't a man visit the most beautiful woman in the world?" Delia blushed as Silver pecked her on the cheek, and we all realized that we'd made a terrible mistake.

Brock elbowed Ritchie, with eyes so wide I could actually see his irises. "Why didn't you say something?" he hissed, and Ritchie whispered back with just as much shock, "I didn't know, either!"

"This is our fault," Misty blurted out. "We knew Ash was upset about his dad coming, but we said some things we shouldn't have, and I think we upset him. We're so sorry!"

"I'm not," Brock glared at Silver. "This guy's hardly ever around, Ash never talks about him, and you're saying it's our fault?" Silver barely gave Brock a response, and instead turned to Delia.

"I'd better go after him." She nodded, and he ran out of the room, bounding in a way that really did remind me of Ash. I sighed aloud, mirroring Delia. What a mess.

Meanwhile, Misty was still distraught. "We're so sorry, we really didn't know Silver was Ash's dad!" Ritchie nodded helplessly. "We didn't mean to cause so much trouble!"

Brock, however, was not as apologetic. "Look, I'm sorry I upset Ash," he said, "But I can't forgive a guy who runs off and abandons his family like that! Going off and chasing adventure and leaving his son alone? It's selfish!" Delia was quiet for a second, before letting out another sigh.

"I don't think you understand," she said. "Silver isn't the one who's never home. Ash is."

For the second time in under a minute, we were all stunned.

"Silver's a well-known Pokemon trainer, and_ his_ father, he's famous," Delia explained. "Ash loves them both, but he considers them his greatest rivals. He's so set on becoming a Pokemon Master. 'When I'm the world's greatest Pokemon Master,' he used to say, 'I'll challenge you!' He's been working very hard for that goal..."

"But why wouldn't he talk about that?" Indeed, it seemed like the sort of thing Ash would have bragged about constantly.

"Well," Delia looked uncomfortable. "Things haven't always been easy for Ash. He just... never seemed to excel at anything, and you know Ash, he's so concerned with proving himself and making us proud. But, the other children would say all sorts of terrible things to him, I think Gary was his only friend. And whenever Silver was in town, things just seemed to get worse." Delia ran a hand through her hair. "And one day, Ash just stopped calling Silver 'dad'."

At our stunned faces, Delia waved a hand. "It's not as bad as you think! It just seems to be easier on Ash if less people associate him with Silver. He's so concerned with making his dad proud. So Ash doesn't tell people who is father is, but now that Ash is a successful Pokemon trainer himself, I'm sure..." Delia trailed off, changing her mind. "Well, I suppose now it's complicated..." Indeed. If Ash had been concerned about accomplishing things and making his father proud, suddenly losing the ability to do simple things, along with the memory of most of his accomplishments, must be humiliating.

"So... we don't see Silver because Ash is avoiding him, not the other way around?"

"I don't know if I would say 'avoiding'," Delia evaded. "It's rare that they're traveling in the same region, but whenever it happens, Ash suddenly becomes very busy. He seemed to be growing out of that phase though, before..." Before his life was reset.

There were footsteps on the stairs, and we all turned to watch Ash and Silver walk through the door. "I..." Ash looked up at Silver, who gave him a pointed look. "I'm sorry, for yelling, I'm sorry."

"No, we're sorry," Misty said, and she elbowed Brock in the ribs.

"We shouldn't have jumped to conclusions." Ash looked grateful, and Silver nudged him out the door.

"Good job, half-pint. Now let's go find that Gary..." They left to go make the apology, and we were left staring at each other.

"I am an idiot," Brock finally said, and Misty just patted him on the shoulder.

"We love you anyway."

* * *

><p>Of course, we would never admit to what we were doing, but the next few days were spent spying on Ash and Silver.<p>

As Delia said, there didn't seem to be any bad blood between them. Ash was as warm and gregarious as he was to any other person he'd met, but we did all have to conclude that something was off. There was something missing in their dynamic that said "father and son", and without being told of their relationship, it was very easy to dismiss Silver as a friend of the family, like Professor Oak.

Which is what Brock articulated to Silver, in a nutshell, when the man grew wise to all our spying. "Well, who exactly did you think I was?"

"Some freeloader," Ritchie piped up, and Silver muttered something about uppity kids who didn't know how to respect their elders.

But it was easy to see that Silver loved Ash, and the high regard Ash had for him. Moreover, I remembered that day in the hospital, when Silver and Chikorita swooped in and were able to break through Ash's shell. After shutting all of us out, that man had been able to get through to him.

But something was missing, and it made everything feel just a little sad, on top of all the other things that were going on. This was a problem I couldn't fix, but I did my best not to aggravate it, and be the perfect Pikachu. If only I could get Iron Tail back, I was sure that would be a big help, as Ash was getting more and more sullen over the subject.

But nothing I did seemed to be good enough to break Ash's funk. Nothing I did, no matter how gently, how cheerfully, nothing could take away his ever-present nervousness at my presence. Even when he spoke with me, he preferred not to look at me, and his speech sometimes descended into terrible incoherence if he got too anxious.

And it wasn't just Ash. If I seemed too happy over my food, it reminded Brock how he'd driven Cilan away with his selfish actions, and if I wasn't happy enough, it made everyone depressed and encouraged people to try and make me talk about whatever horrible things had happened with Team Rocket. I was walking on eggshells all the time, and it was burning me out.

More than once, I felt like this whole thing had been a mistake. I should have stayed in Unova, parted amicably with Ash and then put it behind me forever. Or I could have proved my loyalty to the boss, stayed with Team Rocket and never have to worry or feel an emotion ever again.

I hated everything about this situation, I was tired of trying to please everyone, working so hard, and never having any reward. Why couldn't someone else have all the responsibility? Why was I the only one who had to hold back and let things go? What about what I needed?

Ash should have to suffer just as much as me, this was his fault as much as mine.

But Ash kept closing himself off, becoming more and more introverted, so no one knew quite what he was thinking or feeling. Ritchie was actually starting to wonder if he cared about training session at all, but he, along with the rest of us, were taken by surprise when Ash suddenly announced one morning that he wanted to battle Silver.

While Silver looked elated, I was having a small heart attack. His biggest rival in existence, the one battle in the world that he refused to have, the one that meant the most, he wanted me to fight it _now? _ Was he insane? Ritchie had told us stories of Silver trying to battle a Moltres with his Salamance, and we were starting to get the idea that the two were capable of holding their own in such a match. This man had years more experience, and Ash was still sick and I couldn't use Iron Tail, and _he was Ash's father- We were not ready for this battle!_

But Ash was insistent. "J-just practice, a practice battle. Pi-pikachu needs a battle to help with I-Iro-training, training." Ritchie clapped his hands.

"That's right, we talked about that! I'm sure a battle will be good for Pikachu." Ash frowned and grew sullen, and Ritchie winced. What a terrible start, this was going to be such a mess.

Meanwhile, Chikorita was chattering excitedly, "Oh, please use me, I've been wanting to battle Pikachu for _years,_ please, oh, please...!" It was actually kind of odd, realizing that Chikorita not only knew who I was, but had probably watched Ash grow up and followed all our league battles, when I was just now finding out of their existence.

Silver understood Chikorita's feelings, and it was decided that the battle would take place after breakfast, over at Professor Oak's laboratory. I was almost too sick to eat. There was no way this was going to be okay.

But Ash wanted to have this battle. He wanted me to fight, and that meant he believed in me, right?

I told myself that, but I didn't believe it for a second.

After breakfast, Ash spent several minutes looking around the house, frowning to himself. "You lose something?" Brock called out from where he was washing up the dishes.

"Um, yeah," Ash scratched his head. "Where's Cilan, where's Cilan?" I was surprised Brock didn't drop the plate he was holding.

"Cilan went home a few days ago, Ash. Remember?" Usually, if Ash thought long enough, he'd find that he did remember something of the sort, or at least be able to recognize that he'd forgotten it, but this time he just turned up a blank.

"No. What are you talking about, talking about?" Ash folded his arms and looked impatient, but when Brock hesitated in giving an answer, he began to grow worried. "No, no, Cilan likes it here, here, doesn't care that I'm, I'm, he wouldn't, what did I do, what did I do?" I don't know why Ash was so quick to assume this was his fault. It was turning into a trend, and I didn't like it at all.

Brock wiped the soap suds off his hands and gave Ash his full attention. "You didn't do anything, Ash. He just had to go home. It had nothing to do with you." When Ash still looked upset, Brock put a hand on his shoulder. "I promise, it had absolutely nothing to do with you." Brock looked very uncomfortable, but there was a reassuring honesty in his voice that I hoped Ash would respond to.

"Okay..." Ash replied, but I don't think he really believed it. But soon, Brock had finished up the dishes and we were all on our way to the lab, some of the company more excited than others.

For me, the walk up the road felt more like a death march. "This is great, huh, Pikachu! You haven't been in a battle for a while!" I gave Ritchie a look, and he grew sheepish. "Well, other than that whole Team Rocket thing where we saved the world..." he trailed off, and Ash actually chuckled.

"Even I remember that, remember that..." When we reached the corral, though, Ash was all seriousness, and he took his place on the battlefield.

He looked nervous. Not confident, not even excited. And I was even worse, nearly a basket case.

We weren't ready for a battle this important. Neither of us were. I still couldn't use Iron Tail and Ash- could he even call my attacks? I kept searching Ash's face for something, either encouragement or permission to quit, or anything, but the boy was stone.

A stone that trembled and twitched involuntarily, oh, we were not going to be okay...

Professor Oak stepped up to referee, and the only words I got from Ash were, "A-are you ready?"

No. Not at all. But the battle began, and I jumped in to face Chikorita, anyway.

"Quic-quick..." I finished the attack before Ash could figure out how to say it. "Sw-swi-i-Ir-Iron..." By the time I'd figured out what he was asking for, the opening had passed, but I swung my tail anyway. Nothing happened.

We weren't together at all. We weren't fighting as one, we were two seperate people, and sometimes, I felt like Ash wasn't even on the same field as me, like he was calling some completely different battle.

"H-hyper sm-smash!" Good grief, was he kidding me? But I tried a Quick Attack and managed to connect a bit, which seemed to please Ash. Chikorita, however, was having absolutely no problems wasting me with Vine Whip attacks.

But they were going easy on us. I could tell, for all the pummeling I was taking between Vine Whips and Tackles, Chikorita was holding back.

This was getting more humiliating by the second. "Qu-qu-" I didn't wait for Ash to finish, and started up a Quick Attack. This time, I hit Chikorita full on, and I crowed a little when it went flying. Whatever Iron Tail might be, my Quick Attack was better than ever.

And who did I have to thank for that? Right, Team Rocket.

"Iron t-Tail!" This time, I did manage to turn my tail into metal, but I couldn't hold it long enough to hit Chikorita. It retaliated with Razor Leaf, and for holding back, it still did a lot of damage.

If something didn't happen soon, we were going to lose. "Iron Tail, tail!" Again, Iron Tail wasn't strong enough to land a hit, and the small joy I felt at getting it to materialize in the first place was blasted away by the realization that I was fighting this battle with only two attacks.

Why wasn't Ash calling out my electric ones?

As if I had to ask, but it worried me. Chikorita had a whole host of attacks to blast me with, "Now, Chikorita, Solar Beam!" and I was limited to two?

"Pika!" I struggled to my feet after the attack, but my heart wasn't in this battle. We were losing. Chikorita was making us look like fools, and Ash wasn't doing anything to help me.

"Razor Leaf!"

"I-Iron Tail!" Ash had thrown me out into a battle I had no chance of winning, and was letting me lose, was letting Chikorita pummel me all because he was still scared of lightning. He had asked me to fight the most important battle of his life, and we were losing miserably, looking like idiots, like newbies on the first day of our journey, and he wouldn't lift a finger to help me!

Iron Tail missed again. I could hear our friends whispering from the sidelines. I could see Silver and Chikorita looking a little worried. I could see Ash, concern on his face, but still clinging to Quick Attack and Iron Tail as his only strategy.

I kept following his orders, not knowing what else to do. Even though I could hear Ash's voice, I felt alone on the field, not connected or supported at all. This whole battle was an embarrassment, and I felt my cheeks burning.

I knew I was done several seconds before Chikorita's last attack connected, and all I could think of was how humiliated I felt. When I came to, about a minute later, I felt even worse.

We'd lost. I felt disgusted with myself, and even more disgusted with Ash. He should have known better. How could he do that to me?

The hurt was still burning in my heart while everyone offered cheery condolences and words of encouragement. The flames grew higher as I saw Ash return all the comments with simple nods of his head. _Are you disappointed, Ash? Don't you see this is all your fault? _He kept his face turned downwards, eyes constantly in shadow. No one could tell exactly what he was thinking, but his body language didn't exactly read as 'pleased'. _Well, maybe if you had half a brain cell up there, you'd-_

_-And who's fault is that?_

It wasn't until much later that we were left alone, hanging out in Professor Oak's library, and I'd spent the entire time stewing. This did not go unnoticed by Ash, and after a few minutes of fiddling with the mouse on Professor Oak's computer, he made his way down from the loft with trepidation and approached the sofa I was curled up on.

I hated this place. I hated that all my friends were perfect and capable of battling with Ash while I was a mess. I hated that the humans had let themselves be hit with a security breach and let me be taken and ruined. I hated that Tracey and Professor Oak left blankets, throw pillows and pizza boxes in places where I could see and be annoyed by them.

And most of all, I hated Ash. And by the look on the boy's face, he was certainly picking up on it. "I, uh, jussst, um, you know, I think you did a good job, a good job..."

Lies. Every last word. Nothing about that battle had been good, and we could barely call it a battle, I'd been trounced so thoroughly.

"...you shouldn't be, shouldn't..." _What shouldn't I be, Ash? Tell me, just like everyone else, tell me what I'm supposed to be and how I'm supposed to feel. How to act, what I can't do, what I have to do, what I am and am not allowed to feel. _ "I know, I-I know it was... but, still, um, I'm glad, uh... yeah, I'm not... not..." _ Not what? You're not anything, not anymore._

I got impatient with all his babbling. It was just making my hurt feelings feel worse, and I despised the part of me that was still punishing myself for losing to Ash's dad. As if I should care what some dumb little boy thought of me, after he threw me away.

"Listen," I angrily interrupted, tears pricking at my eyes, "Don't you ever do that to me again. Don't you dare send me into a battle if you're not going to have my back!" I was yelling now, and Ash took a fearful step back.

"S-sorry, sorry, I..." He turned away from me, pulling his hat over his eyes. "Sorry, I messed up, I..."

"Yeah, you messed up," I sneered, giving in to my black mood. I was sick of this farce, sick of pretending I was perfect, trying to give in to every single one of Ash's whims. "You messed up big time, and I'm the one who had to suffer for it. I'm always the one who suffers for your mistakes!" I felt new fuel being added to my fire. "What, you think I didn't mind? That just because we're friends, I'm okay with getting beat up and chased by Team Rocket and getting lost in the woods every other day? That I like putting up with your stupidity, and your idiotic jokes, and running after every silly little thing that comes into your head?"

I had liked all that, or, it hadn't mattered to me. I used to love Ash, I used to wake up and be disappointed that he was still sleeping and couldn't play with me. _And then I'd Thunderbolt him awake-_ "But now I know you're a little liar. You don't trust me, you don't want me around, you keep secrets from me!" Ash was starting to cry, and for some reason, it made me even angrier. "All that time I thought we were friends, and you were hiding the truth from me! Why? Afraid I'd leave if I found out how weak you were?" Ash wiped his face and ran for the stairs, muttering some more 'sorry's under his breath, but I wasn't satisfied yet.

Everything in my heart was in pain and on fire, and I wanted Ash to feel it, too. I jumped up onto the stairs, blocking his way. "Look at me," I commanded when Ash stumbled back in fear. I let my cheeks spark, and watched Ash cover his eyes. "You're not my trainer anymore! I let you pretend you were, but don't you ever put me through that again!" Ash was nodding, more out of blind fear than actual agreement. "Don't even talk to me, unless you're ready to handle this!" And I let loose a Thunderbolt.

Ash screamed, turning tail and running, but I chased after him, a sadistic grin on my face. "What's wrong? You said you wanted to be a Pokemon Master, and you're scared of a little lightening?" I managed to back him into a corner, watching him cower in fear, and didn't feel bad about it at all. "I've been trying so hard, I've done everything I could, everything anybody asked, and you don't even try!" The fluorescent lights were flickering above us, with all the lightning I was throwing around. "Well, now it's your turn. I'm sick of all this, I can't do it anymore!" I was surprised to realize tears were falling down my face. "I can't do it anymore, I can't!"

Meanwhile, Ash was still screaming, and I thought I heard voices from the other room rising in alarm. They'd surely be running in to save Ash in a second, making all of this my fault. Never mind that Ash had let me down, that I was suffering, that I had hit my limit. The boy in front of me continued to wail and scream, clutching his ears and trying to press his body as much into the wall as he could.

"Stop running away!" I shouted, amp-ing up my voltage. I wouldn't hit him, no, I wouldn't go that far. "LOOK AT ME!"

Ash's eyes were open, but he refused to turn his head toward me, just wide, wild eyes with pupils so dilated I'd have thought his eyes were little black spots in a sea of white. One of his hands snaked up to his hair, while the other scraped at the bookcase for something to save him, clawing the wood, the wall... his face...

… "What are you...?" When he started drawing blood, all my rage disappeared in an instant. Ugly red lines burned across his cheeks, there was blood under his fingernails and Ash just kept staring with eyes wide and unseeing, full of terror. "Stop that, what's wrong with you?" But he couldn't hear or see me, and he continued mutilating himself, blood on his face and fingers, chunks of hair in his hands. "Stop it, you're hurting yourself!"

But he was gone. No more a human, not even an animal, just an entity of fear. An evil spirit, masquerading as a child. And I had turned him into this.

_What was wrong with me?_

Tracey and Gary rushed into the room, along with Bulbasaur and Marill, and I heard Professor Oak behind them. I heard all this, but it only registered distantly, in some unimportant part of my brain, because the sight in front of me was arresting all my senses. Any move I made sent Ash further into hysterics, and I could only watch, helpless and horrified, while Ash pulled out tufts of his hair and attempted to scratch his own face off.

What had I done? "Ash, stop!" Tracey shrieked, running immediately to Ash's side, and Bulbasaur reacted even quicker than that, using Vine Whip to hold Ash's arms down while Tracey practically flew down the stairs. Gary's reaction was much like mine, standing still in open mouthed horror.

"... something's wrong with him..." Didn't need a researcher to tell me that. "Do something!"

"I'm trying!" Tracey snapped back, wincing when Ash started hitting his head against the wall. "Stop that!" Professor Oak huffed and skidded onto the scene, but still, moving impressively fast for his old age.

He was by Ash's side in a minute, gathering the boy in his arms and helping Bulbasaur restrain him. "Gary, call the hospital. Tracey, go get his parents," Oak barked, and Tracey ran like I'd never seen him run before. Gary, however, remained shell-shocked. "GARY!"

"I, uh," the boy snapped out of it, and turned to the computer. "Right!" A few clicks were heard on the keyboard above us, while Professor Oak turned his attention to Ash.

"It's okay Ash, you're safe," he pleaded, even though Ash didn't seem to hear or see him. "Calm down, it's me, Professor Oak. You're safe." I could only watch with Professor Oak in horror as Ash's eyes rolled back into his head, his shaking, jerking and flailing more violent than it had ever been. As much as Oak and Bulbasaur tried to hold Ash still, he'd developed some sort of terrible strength, able to struggle and fight his arms free. "It's me, I've got you, you're safe..."

"Emergency Services. What's your situation?" Oh, thank goodness!

"My friend, he's, he's-" Gary couldn't find words to describe what was currently going on with Ash, with the boy shaking and grinding his teeth loudly enough to make us all wince. "He's-"

"A boy is having a seizure," Professor Oak called up, taking over the situation. He'd also moved Ash into the center of the room, far away from the wall. "Tell us what to do." Though he spoke calmly, I could hear the fear in his voice. I didn't like the thought of facing a situation where even Professor Oak didn't know what to do.

As it turned out, there wasn't much we could do but lay Ash on his side and keep any objects out of reach. I couldn't tear my eyes away, even though it pained me to look. Prior to this, Ash had experienced tremors and shaking, sometimes large ones, but nothing on this scale. Most of the time, it could be mistaken for restlessness. But this was something else entirely, Ash was no longer in that body, I was sure of it. There was just this creature, this thing that took over while Ash was locked away somewhere. I didn't want to see any more, but I couldn't move my head away.

And then, the universe granted my wish, and Ash just stopped. He slumped down, his movements ceased, and he stopped, laying motionless.

Death-like.

Professor Oak checked Ash's pulse and breathing, and between him and the Emergency woman, we were assured he was alive, but I didn't believe it. Supposedly, we were supposed to wait for Ash to come back to himself, to "reboot", but I couldn't help but feel a sense of loss. What if Ash didn't come back from this? What if he stayed locked in whatever prison his mind currently inhabited, what if he never woke up again?

The kind, gentle voice of Professor Oak continued, along with the old man's soothing gestures. "You're going to be fine, Ash, we're all here. It's me, Sam, I've got you, you're safe..." But I couldn't help but think that it was useless. Ash couldn't hear him. Ash was off somewhere else.

And I had driven him there.

"... what's wrong with me?" I whispered aloud, and Bulbasaur could only look me over with sadness. And that one look pushed me over the edge. I ran out of the room, ignoring everyone's cries.

I kept running, out of the lab, down the hill, past Delia and Silver and into the wooded area just outside of Pallet. I kept running even as my lungs burned, not knowing what else to do.

What was wrong with me? Something was wrong, normal pokemon didn't antagonize their trainers until they lost their wits! Trainer, ex-trainer, friend, he was supposed to be my friend, and I had turned him into _that!_

I finally crashed into a couple of Rhyhorn, in the middle of a clearing. The bigger one seemed upset at nearly being run over by a careless Pikachu, and I was furious that my inertia had been interrupted. "Hey, you gonna apologize or what?"

Me? Apologize? Beings like me didn't apologize for all the destruction we left behind us, we just kept running forward until the day it finally caught up and consumed us. "As if."

"Calm down," the other Rhyhorn said with the feel of long-suffering. Like Ash and I had used to be, in the beginning, before our personalities had fused into one. He'd get all wound up about something Gary said, and I'd tell him to calm down, that he was being stupid, that maybe Gary was right, and Ash really was a worthless human being, and why did he think he had pride worth defending, certainly neither Brock, Misty or I thought he was worth so much...

"Come on," I taunted, "What's the matter? Afraid?" I knew that would get the big one, I knew his type. "Not a coward, are you?" I wanted a battle, I wanted to smash things, I wanted to exhaust myself until I couldn't even think anymore.

"Why you-!"And he was charging towards me head on, ready to demolish me. I didn't run or dodge, just prepared to meet that brute force with Iron Tail.

-The Iron Tail I knew wouldn't work-

The impact nearly knocked me unconscious, but Ash had trained me far too well to be beaten in one hit. Ash had trained me well enough to rob him of all his senses, did this Rhyhorn think he could beat me so easily? I was on my feet again in seconds, ready for more. "Is that all you've got?" The big Rhyhorn was about to make another charge, but his friend stopped him.

"Okay, you've proved your point," he chastised, but I wasn't about to let him interfere.

"I'm not done yet!" I released a Thunderbolt on both of them, and while I knew it wouldn't have any real effect, it would send my opponent into a fierce rage. Ignoring all of his friend's words, the two of us barreled across the clearing, and I attacked with a barrage of useless Iron Tails, parried by Body Slams and Take-Downs.

I don't know what kept me from fainting, but I felt a hatred in my heart that refused to die, even if my body couldn't keep up with it. My vision swirled, I felt like vomiting, I might have even broken something, but I still pushed myself up with a seething, deranged grin. "Giving up?"

The other Rhyhorn jumped in between us. "Yes,, now stop this! The little guy's gonna die if you keep this up!" He turned to me with a much kinder face. "Look, you're not doing so good. There's an old professor up the hill, he can help you. You need to get those injuries looked at," he dodged my spiteful Thunderbolt, "I'm serious! You're badly hurt, you can't keep battling like this!"

"I don't care!" I screamed back. "I don't care, now fight me, you cowards!" I pooled my energy for Electro Ball, managing to enrage the big Rhyhorn again, and somehow finding the strength to be on my feet and running toward the charging mass of rock. "Take your best shot, I dare you!"

There was no way I'd win this battle. There was no chance that Iron Tail, or any of my attacks would work, not in my current condition. I was pretty sure I wouldn't last through another attack, in fact, I wasn't even sure I'd live through the collision.

And I didn't care. I really didn't care.

"Blastoise, Hydro Pump!" A stream of water hit Rhyhorn milliseconds before it collided with me, but all it did was slow him down. I was still struck with enough force to send me flying into the trees, striking a trunk with enough force that stars exploded in front of me, before the world dissolved into a mess of blurred colors that grew darker and darker.

I saw a glimpse of purple and black before everything went completely under, and my last conscious thoughts involved cursing Gary Oak's name. It certainly wasn't the first time that had happened, but I hoped, this time, it would be the last.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18: You Teach Me and I'll Teach You

* * *

><p>The room was dark, save for the computer monitor that lit Gary's face like a Duskull. I slunk into his welcome lap, but lay there like a stuffed animal, resisting the urge to cuddle close for comfort. Even though Gary seemed to want the reassurance, I didn't feel up to offering that small act of kindness, and certainly not for receiving it.<p>

"She's taking a long time," Gary said in a voice barely above a whisper. Of all people, I didn't know why Gary had been left behind to attend me. If anything, someone should have been taking care of him, and his Umbreon agreed with me. The poor thing was nearly out of it's mind with worry for it's trainer, and Gary had recalled it into a pokeball to avoid it's piercing stares and worried pleas.

Tracey should have been here instead. Or Misty. Care-giving was Brock's natural role, and even Ritchie was capable of looking after us while everyone else was at the hospital.

Except, for all the injuries I'd incurred, treating me wasn't the chief concern. I didn't need a nurse.

I needed a guard.

And that was probably the key. Gary, bless his cold, black heart, was probably the only one who could stand to look at me.

A woman reappeared on the video monitor. "Mr. Oak? Are you still there?"

"Yes!" Gary snapped to attention, while I let my eyes wander about the room, or at least, the bit I could see from the screen's illumination. I'd never been to the Oak's house before. The Professor was always at his lab, and Gary had never extended the invitation.

But next to the computer were a couple of pictures that Ash and his mother had made it into, along with some people I didn't recognize. Probably other members of the Oak family, but I didn't know. "I'm sorry, but your sister's not here right now."

Though the place was well kept, it was hard to believe anyone was actually living there. It seemed trapped in stasis, a snapshot of an old memory. A museum, or art collection, carefully maintained and barely disturbed.

"Do you know when she'll be back?" Gary and his sister were always off traveling, rarely home, but it was a bit odd that Gary wouldn't have given his home a "lived in" feel after all the weeks back in Pallet Town.

"I'm afraid I don't..."

"Oh," Gary sounded disappointed. "Well, when she gets in, could you tell her that her brother called. Again," he added at the end, and the woman nodded sympathetically.

"I'll let her know."

"Thank you." The screen winked out, and left only the barest hints of a glow. "She must be really busy..."

"Trying to call May?" Gary spun his chair around, and we came face to face with Professor Oak.

"Gramps! I didn't hear you come in!" I hadn't either. "How's Ash?"

Professor Oak grimaced. "Much better," he said in a voice that was less relieved then it could have been. "But there are some problems. I came to ask if you would come back with me to the hospital."

The horror in Gary's eyes was breathtaking. "Me? But what can I do?" Blood drained out of his face by the second, which was ironic, as the next words out of his mouth were, "Do I have to give blood? A kidney? My heart?"

"Gary, calm down-"

"Because I will, he can have it, you don't have to ask..." Gary babbled, and it wasn't until Professor Oak put both hands firmly on the boy's shoulders that he relaxed a little.

"Nothing so drastic," the Professor chuckled, and patted his grandson's shoulder. He pulled a nearby chair over and sat down, while Gary regained his regular breathing. "We just want you to talk to Ash, that's all. We're hoping you can coax some words out of him, he's being a bit uncooperative."

"I'll have him screaming obscenities at me in five minutes," Gary promised, only half joking. He ran his fingers over my fur, and a cloud passed over Professor Oak's eyes.

"I'll also be bringing you with me, Pikachu," he said, calm, but very stern. "Nurse Joy's arrived from Jhoto. She's an expert in Pokemon Psychology." I wasn't keen on the idea, and it must have shown on my face. "I'm afraid this isn't up for negotiation. Don't make me force you." I wasn't much for cooperating, but I also wasn't going to resist, and I'm not sure if Oak was pleased by that or not. "Good. Let's get going."

He got up to leave, but Gary seemed hesitant. "Ash isn't going to freak out like that again, right?" I jumped off his lap as he got to his feet. "I mean, he's better now, isn't he?" Professor Oak frowned uneasily.

"I'm not a medical doctor, so I can't promise anything."

Gary sighed, "That's not very reassuring."

"I'm afraid nothing about this is." Professor Oak folded his arms. "None of what happened today was expected." I looked away so he wouldn't catch my eye. "But Ash's tremors are only going to get worse with time, you know this."

"Yeah, but," there was a helpless edge to Gary's voice that didn't suit him. "Before, it was just little shakes, or he couldn't sit still, or maybe he couldn't hold his Pokedex, but today, that was..." Gary shuddered. "That wasn't Ash. I don't want to see that again." Professor Oak took pity on him, but there was nothing he could do, and his face grew sad and solemn.

"Gary, I need to be honest with you." I saw Gary freeze, and thought I heard him mumble, "no, not again," but it may have been my imagination. "Ash has been moved to a psychiatric hospital. While we're hoping it's temporary, it is very serious."

I really thought Gary was going to faint. If I were less selfish, I'd have made a move to steady him, but luckily, he had a grandfather for that. "What's wrong with him?"

The Professor seemed reluctant to say it aloud. "I'm told that this could potentially be brief, less than a month, maybe even a matter of days."

For all Gary's unwillingness, I had to admire the way he always walked straight into the depths of Hell when he had something worth chasing. "What is it?" Professor Oak's reserve broke, and he came clean.

"If he recovers quickly, they're calling it a brief psychotic disorder." Well, that was both terrifying and vague. "Ash has been under a lot of stress, and yesterday may have been too much for him to handle." I turned my eyes to the floor and hoped no one looked at me. "However..." There was more? "It is possible that he's been suffering from an undiagnosed condition ever since the accident in Unova. If his symptoms persist," Professor Oak took in a breath, while Gary and I held ours, "The diagnosis is schizophrenia."

I did not grow up human, and while I had lived among them long enough that I had basically been domesticated, I did not have the same soul-curdling revulsion that Gary did when hearing that word. That word cut straight to his heart, it was the boogeyman that lived in all the shadows, the Ultimate Terrible Thing that could happen to you. Somehow, I think Gary would have reacted better if he'd been told Ash was dead, then to have that barely pronounceable word applied to his friend.

"No, that has to be wrong..." But, according to the Professor, it wasn't.

"Like I said, it's possible that this could be brief," he consoled Gary, "And his doctor is fairly hopeful that this will be the case. That's why we need you at the hospital, Gary, you may be able to help him. He needs all of our support right now."

"Right," Gary said shakily, "I'll help, any way I can." I think he was less terrified earlier, when he was offering up his own heart.

For me, though, I didn't truly understand Gary's fear. "Pika?" Professor Oak looked down at me when I called out in a timid voice. Maybe I didn't deserve to know, but I felt I should ask what all this really meant. What it meant for Ash, not the vague understanding I had of the word.

Professor Oak just sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. "Right now, Ash's behavior is somewhat... dysfunctional. His thoughts and words are disorganized, and it's impossible to understand what he says. I'm afraid," he looked sympathetically at Gary, "That you'll have your work cut out for you, having a conversation with him, but I hope you'll try. It may help his prognosis."

"Of course," Gary replied quickly, looking as if his grandfather had asked him to jump into the volcano on Cinnabar Island.

"I know this all sounds very serious, but Ash is receiving excellent care," Oak assured us both, "And it's possible that he will recover completely and quickly. So try to keep a positive outlook." I didn't know if the Professor was speaking as a scientist or a grandfather, but it was comforting to hear that I had only sort of killed Ash, not completely destroyed him.

"Do you wish it had been me?" Gary's voice was almost a whisper, but it took Professor Oak and I by surprise.

"What are you saying, Gary?"

"You had to stop traveling on Pokemon Journeys to look after me," Gary explained in a dead tone, "It must have been hard, being stuck here in Pallet Town. And Ash, you've always, liked him, he's like your second grandson..." Gary sucked in a quick breath, emotion starting to color his voice a little more. "He's the one who's always winning and calling home with accomplishments, you knew he would, you always thought he was special..."

"Gary-"

"-I mean, I know I've been kind of a brat," Gary continued, picking up speed, "You're always at the lab and May never comes home, and after I last saw Ash, he packed up and ran to the other side of the world,"- he was beginning to look frenzied now- "I'm not as easy to get along with as Ash, and if Mom and Dad weren't always trying to get out of the house, maybe they-"

"Gary, stop it!" Professor Oak's voice was stern as he pulled his grandson into a hug. "Listen to me, none of that has anything to do with you. It's not your fault!" Though Gary quieted, he didn't seem to believe it fully. "No one makes it through this world without sadness, and you can never know when your whole world might be snatched from you in an instant." He pulled back a little, forcing Gary to meet his eyes. "But, I promise you, the future is full of wonderful chances."

"I think I wasted all my chances," Gary muttered. "Ash and I were finally getting along, and now it's all gone, we wasted so much time fighting..."

"Everyone has regrets, Gary," Oak consoled. "You're not the only one who wishes they had more time." He clapped his hands on Gary's shoulders. "But I'd be a stupid old man if I ever traded away the chance to watch you grow up. There is nowhere on earth I'd rather have been than Pallet Town. I promise you that." This seemed to help Gary a little. "Now, go get in the car. I'll be out in a bit." Probably embarrassed by the way he was crying, Gary obeyed quickly. I followed at a sluggish pace, barely moving an inch by the time Gary was out the door.

Professor Oak watched his grandson run out as if he thought Gary might also be in need of psychiatric help, and frankly, I agreed. I hadn't really been paying much attention to Gary during this whole crisis, and it seemed no one else had, either. I was wrapped up in my own selfish world, but I did hope that someone would take it upon themselves to look after Gary, now.

The Professor turned to the computer and typed in a few quick words, bringing up the same screen Gary had been looking at before.

"Hello? Oh, is that you, Professor Oak?"

"Yes," Oak said grimly. "I need to speak with my granddaughter. I don't care what she's doing, just get her on the line." At his brisk tone, the woman darted off-screen, and a beautiful brown-haired girl soon took her place.

"Grandpa!"

"Daisy May Oak," the Professor said with enough authority to shake the room. "Don't you ever ignore your brother's phone calls like that again." The girl looked surprised, then rolled her eyes.

"Oh, Gramps, I didn't mean anything," she said easily. "This is a busy season for breeders, and you know what a drama queen Gary can be."

"I know exactly what Gary can be. And right now, he's a little boy who needs his big sister." Daisy May looked appropriately chastised. "You're too old for me to tell you what to do, but your family needs you now. Please come home as soon as possible."

"Yes, Grandpa." They parted soon after, and the Professor turned his weighty gaze on me.

"Well, Pikachu," he said wearily, "Let's get going."

* * *

><p>If I wanted to see Ash, I had to go through Joy. She was the one with the power to decide what happened to me, but I had no interest in talking to her. I didn't much care what happened to me, and didn't think there was any point in me seeing Ash now.<p>

"Is it that you don't want to see Ash, or that you don't think you should see Ash?" She seemed to know how to read my reactions and push my buttons, but for all her questioning, I wouldn't give her a word in response. What I really wanted was to disappear into the air.

"Right now, it looks like you meant to hurt Ash at the lab." She was trying to get a reaction, but that wouldn't work. "Is that true?" Yes. I had meant to hurt him. I wanted him scared and terrified, just like I was. I wanted him to feel as bad as I felt all the time.

Of course, I hadn't meant for things to go this far...

I made no progress with Joy, but progress was her design, not mine. If they left me on this floor to rot, I didn't care. Dumped me in the Safari Zone with little more than a goodbye, also fine. Dropped me off a cliff, perfect, bring it on.

There was no punishment good enough for what I'd done.

"Excuse me." I was a little surprised to see Ash's doctor requesting to speak with Joy, but not enough to expend effort reacting. As we weren't getting anywhere, Joy got up and shared some words with the doctor, before coming to some sort of agreement.

Ash's doctor entered the room, sitting down in Joy's chair. This was new.

"I need to discuss something with you," she began, voice crisp and thin. I could only imagine what she thought of me. "If you're going to see Ash again, there's some things you should understand."

Except I had no intentions of barging into Ash's life again, but I just sighed and let her continue. "When I first began working with Ash, he was terribly frightened of you, as you may remember." Oh, did I ever. "At the time, we made a list," she pulled a paper out of her pocket and showed it to me. "Goals, for overcoming his fear of you. The first ones are rather simple." She read over some of the items at the top of the list. "Saying your name. Drawing a picture of you. Talking about you for more than three minutes."

To think that that would be so hard to do, for someone who had once been my best friend. "But the goals get harder later on the list. Being in the same room with you, talking to you, being able to touch you, hug you, watch your Electric Attacks and even fighting in a Pokemon battle together. In the beginning, Ash was sure he couldn't do any of the things on this list, but recently, he was making attempts at some of his biggest goals." She put down her paper and looked at me with solemnity. "I tell you this, because I don't think you understand how hard Ash worked for your sake. Knowing this, don't you want to speak with him?"

No, and why did she think that would be a good idea? But if she was trying to send me on a guilt trip, it was certainly working. "You don't want to talk to Ash?" I shook my head, and then was startled by a bit of commotion happening outside the room.

The doctor turned her head towards the door and sighed with resignation. "Well, it seems he wants to talk to you..." I felt like ice water had been poured down my spine, but before I could contemplate anything like running for my life, Ash had barged into the room, determined, driven and furious.

I had never thought he was capable of expressing the kind of rage I was currently seeing. Ash Ketchum was going to kill me, I was sure of that, and began making my peace with the world.

Ash pointed angrily at me, the yet-unhealed scratches on his cheek making him look all the more otherworldly. "The c-candle sings, sings and I hate radishes!" he declared, moving his finger from between me and the door. "Don't you think so, think so? Clouds are white, and then we have to wash the t-towels."

...What in the wide world of Arceus?

I looked up at the doctor, who just pursed her lips into a thin line. "Ash is experiencing something we call formal thought disorder," she explained, as if that actually made sense of anything. She put a hand on Ash's trembling shoulder and said kindly, "Ash, unfortunately, we can't understand what you're saying right now."

"Why-Why isn't grass blue? I ate, ate all my vegetables!" Ash fumed for a minute, sneaking glares at me. His fear was still present, I could see it in his eyes, but he was channeling it into anger, using his fear to propel his fearsome rage and gain the courage to face me.

I wasn't sure that this was any better.

"Lunch! And then breakfast!" Ash suddenly demanded, and I started to see why Gary had been so afraid before. I didn't understand this, this was defying the world as I knew it and it terrified me. "Hurry, before the Tauros break out, break out!" He had grabbed his doctor's piece of paper, and after a game of frenetic charades, she deduced that what he wanted was a pen. Achieving that, Ash took to the floor and began scrawling words like doing so would take down Tobais' Darkrai.

When he was done, he thrust the paper at me, confident and fierce. "Don't you remember, remember? After we c-clean the garden, Pidgey, Pidgey nest in your hat, in you hat! I think R-Rattata likes it!" I wanted someone to put a gag over that boy's mouth, but, if possible, what he had written was creeping me out even more...

What he'd written had only made a marginal amount of sense, only because most of the words seemed to relate to the same topic...

"Pikachu Pikachu I Am So Mad I Am So Mad You Don't Don't Know Hate Rocks No Idea How Mad I Am So Mad Training Training Pikachu Training I Promised I Promised Teach You Iron Tail I Am Going To Help You Lean Iron Tail Ritchie Dad No You Don't Get To Run Away You Don't Get To Decide You Don't Have The Right To Decide I Decide I Am So Mad Pidgey Hungry Yes Please Training After That I Don't Care I Don't Care You Can Leave Whatever I Don't Care But We Are Finishing This Don't Give Up Don't Let Go Don't Give Up Not Now Not You Don't Give Up On Me On You Learn Iron Tail Don't Let Them Win You Don't Get to Run Away Anymore I Decide Get Out Get Out And Train Training Run Train Run"

I looked up from the paper and at the face of my legitimately psychotic former trainer. Either we were going to train to learn Iron Tail, or he was going to kill me and hide my body somewhere in the woods. Quite possibly both. "It's like mountains!" Ash insisted, pointing for the door, and I decided there was nothing to do but go along with this.

As he'd said, I'd given up the right to decide.

It took some time for Ash to communicate exactly what he wanted from me, but after some demonstrations, I realized that he intended for me to run laps around the hospital building. This I did, not realizing just how long he intended for me to keep doing this.

I lost count after lap forty-nine, and it was only a few laps later that I started to get dizzy. Ignoring Ash's insistence that I should "program the tv remote," I paused for a second to catch my breath. Meanwhile, our friends were trying to see if Ash was, in fact, trying to train me to death.

"I think Pikachu has had a little too much," Delia cautioned, and it was unexpectedly nice for her to be concerned about me, considering what I'd done to her son.

"Ash, if this is some revenge thing, I think it needs to stop." Ash just glared at Ritchie and, in his own special command of language, demanded that I get on my feet and keep running.

So I did. I ran until I couldn't see straight, until all rational thought was driven from my head, until there was nothing in the world but Ash's voice and what he asked me to do.

I made it five more laps around the hospital before Ash stepped in front of me and forced me to stop. But I was only given enough time to take one gulp of sweet air before I saw Ash coming at me with an aluminum bat. I had been right, he was trying to kill me!

I dodged back while Misty let out a terrified scream. The bat missed me by a mile, and Ash looked frustrated. "The moon sets at night, at night! Th-that's what cups are for!" This had to be a bad dream.

But, dream or no, I had no more strength to dodge, and was running out of desire to. If I was upset by the way Ash was acting, there was no one to blame but myself. The next time Ash swung the bat, I didn't move an inch.

...it still missed me by a good two feet.

I was confused as to why Ash didn't take his chance to bash my brains out, but then I realized, somewhat helped along by his pointing, that he had never been aiming for me. All along, he'd been aiming for the space in front of me.

He wanted me to parry.

As soon as I realized this, I swung my tail without thinking, and was met with a satisfying sound of metal striking metal. The vibrations shivered up my spine, but I felt a small, infinitesimal surge of joy. My Iron Tail had worked, it had connected!

Ash didn't give me time to celebrate, swinging his bat around yet another time, and I was quick to react. Iron Tail faltered this time, and I fell to the ground, with Ash pulling back just enough that he didn't hit me across the hospital lawn. But the next time, it was a true hit, and the time after that, producing glorious clangs and reverberations.

The world fell away. It was just me and Ash, and this insane game we had developed, but the look in his eyes challenged me, encouraged me, and pushed me on further. I attacked with Iron Tail after solid Iron Tail, each time feeling stronger, even as my body felt more exhausted.

I was starting to see spots, but I knew what I had to do. I jumped into the air, focused all my energy and calculated my timing down to the last second, seeing Ash's bat move almost as if it were in slow motion...

… I hit it so perfectly that the resulting vibrations caused Ash to drop the bat and fall to his knees. I wasn't that far behind, utterly spent, but giggling with feelings I had not felt for ages. Accomplishment. Success. Satisfaction. And when I saw Ash's face, I was able to add something else to that list.

Pride.

I was proud of myself, and Ash was proud of me. "Everyone knows, knows about Snorlax," Ash said, so smug and matter-of-factually, as if he'd known it all along. Ash was proud; not because I would win him battles or bring him glory, but because I was the best I could be, and that mattered to him.

I felt I was capable of doing anything he asked me to, even moving the world.

As it was, I ran ten more laps around the hospital before he let me pass out into oblivion.

* * *

><p>Ash kept my waking hours so full of training that I could barely see straight, let alone think, and he pushed me so hard that I slept soundlessly and dreamless, like a rock. There was no energy for pessimistic thoughts, no time for bad dreams or ugly shadows to torment me, for Ash kept me busy every waking hour, and so exhausted that I needed all night to recover.<p>

But there soon came a morning that I wasn't woken by Ash's demands of gibberish and immediately chased out for training. I woke up, rested and content, and was given plenty of time for my thoughts to grow complex and anxious again, as Ash was unable to come distract me from them.

Because Ash had driven a pencil through his wrist that morning.

When I heard the news, I almost threw up. He was crazy. Ash was crazy. My Ash, my precious, precious human boy was sick and raving and I had made him that way. He might as well have been driving pencils through my heart.

I had been so happy during training, and forgotten that I wasn't supposed to be happy at all.

But, after Ash had been bandaged up and the pointy objects were replaced with things Ash wasn't likely to try and murder himself with, I was told that I needed to go visit him. Because right before he'd started stabbing his arm, he'd been writing my name all over his wall, and now that he was released back into his room, he'd returned to that activity.

To me, this seemed like a bad idea, but the doctor insisted that it was Ash's way of calling out. I still didn't understand how they expected me to watch while Ash scrawled his frantic words all over the wall, detailing, in his frenetic way, how he had been right to run as far away from me as he could.

But I went along, anyway, letting Delia and the doctor guide me to Ash's room. "Ash? Pikachu's here." Ash whipped his head around and I almost cried out when I saw his wild eyes. That thing wasn't Ash. Ash was gone, some evil thing had taken over his body, this wasn't him.

"P-puppets and Snorlax pillows, I sewed them on the television, on the television." I wanted to cover my ears, shut out those horrible sounds. "It's mean, don't you think? I think. I have to wash my hands for ghosts."

"Stop it," I begged, and Ash gripped the crayon he'd been allowed to keep with white knuckles.

"Share..." he trailed off and instead, patted at the wall he'd been using as a notebook. Reluctantly, I followed the doctor's urge to go to Ash's trembling side. I don't think he really wanted me there, but he had something to tell me, and he was determined to try. I didn't deserve to be selfish now.

He tapped my name, 'Pikachu', with his crayon. "Piplup." I nodded, even though I'd stopped understanding this situation long ago. Ash dragged his crayon along the wall, creating a harsh red line between the words 'Pikachu' and 'Thunder'. Ash inclined his head, not making eye contact, but appearing to look for confirmation.

"Pi." I admitted glumly. Ash swallowed and dragged his shaking hands up to more of his disjointed words. He landed on 'sorry' and drew a line back to my name. I didn't say anything. It seemed like an insult to apologize now. It didn't matter if I was sorry, because I'd already done it. Ash wouldn't get any better, and I didn't deserve to feel better about myself. What kind of horrible creature would I be if I could be forgiven and smile freely, while the person I'd harmed continued in misery?

I watched Ash connect 'sad' to my name, and decided that this was appropriate. I made him sad, and I deserved to spend the rest of my days suffering for it.

"Eggs and st-strawberries, but I cleaned the bike first. Aren't mountains cool?" What were we going to do? How were we going to fix what had been broken? Was it even possible? "If Charmander swims, swims at sword gym, it should add up to zero, to zero."

I just stared at him with defeat. "What do you want from me?" What reason could he possibly have for calling me here, for training, for any of it? There was no reason to help me, and there were far better ways of making me suffer.

Ash was frowning as he drew a line from my name to the word 'hand'. After that, he sat back on his haunches and looked at his wall with a focus so intense that I was afraid to do anything to break it.

After a few minutes, though, Delia sneezed, and it snapped Ash out of his trance. "I saw Officer Jenny and b-baked a cake. There, there were new shoes, too." He fished a dogeared paper from his pocket, and unfolded it out before him. It seemed a bit old, as the images were somewhat smeared and the paper showed that it had been folded many times. "Fireworks are best, best in summer, right?"

I didn't understand the picture, even though Ash clearly wanted me to. The paper held three images: A simple rendering of a Pikachu, a heart, and a large, angry scribbling. I couldn't make head or tails of it, but the doctor seemed interested when it was brought out.

"I remember that," she recalled, "You drew that a long time ago, back in Unova, when I'd asked you to try drawing pictures of Pikachu." When Ash eagerly nodded, I felt a little startled. I didn't think he'd thought of me any more than he could help it, let alone carry my picture around with him. "Would you like me to explain it to Pikachu?"

Oh, good, we had an interpreter. The Doctor crouched down on the floor beside us, and Delia followed suit, also interested. "This first picture is you, Pikachu." Not surprising. She then pointed to the heart. "This picture here represents a friend that Ash is trying to find." She shared a look with Ash. "Ash said this friend was hurt and scared, so he's been very worried about finding him again." Ash kept nodding, but he wouldn't look me in the eye. "This third image is something Ash is afraid of. It's not something easily described, but it's very real to him."

"Professor Oak's Pokemon Talk, Mary's got a pretty voice," Ash emphatically stated, drawing invisible lines with his finger between the Pikachu and the heart. "But spoons break and the napkin, the napkin gets covered in chocolate. I want to catch a Voltorb." Now, he was tracing back and forth between the Pikachu and the black blotch. "Murkrow like shiny things, like Cilan's cloche, Cilan, takes them away..."

Delia saw that Ash was starting to grow upset, and put a calm hand on his knee. I just sat back and tried to filter through the information I'd been presented with. It wasn't easy, because a voice in the back of my head kept reminding me that none of this mattered anymore. But Ash wanted a response from me, and the longer it took for me to say anything, the more sullen he became. While I struggled with thoughts and feelings, he began scribbling on the floor with his crayon, ignoring his mother's soft reprimand.

Finally, the doctor decided to rescue me. "Right now, all of Ash's thoughts are disorganized," she kindly explained to me, "Fragmented, and he's trying to piece it all together again. Things are rather extreme at the moment..." she trailed off for a brief second when she saw Ash writing 'nothing' over and over on the tile, "But I believe he can recover from this shock." Oh, hateful choice of words. "And I believe he's going to need your help more than anyone else."

That hit me hard. "Me? What am I supposed to do?" I was the one who got him into this mess, and I could do was watch helplessly as Ash kept scribbling words on the floor, swatting his mother's hand away when he tried to stop him.

I had no idea what I was supposed to do, but everyone expected me to do something with this Ash that wasn't Ash. And, heaven help me, I was going to have to find a way.

* * *

><p>The next day, we were back in training. Ash had me doing sit ups and lifting weights with my tail from the second I woke up, and with the exception of his speech he seemed almost normal.<p>

"Again!" Unlike the criminal amount of exercise he was requiring of me. This boy was going to kill me. But I swung my tail with a kind of perverse glee; I didn't care if Ash ran me into the ground, for as long as he cared about the state of my Iron Tail, the joy I felt at completing a successful attack was doubled. "After that!" His words weren't important, somehow, I knew what he wanted from me in these moments. "A-another scoop!" And each time, I was able to sustain Iron Tail all the way through the attack.

Twenty times in a row. "That's enough, enough, the fire's out." Ash let me breathe for two minutes before he had us both running down the road again. I wasn't sure we were supposed to be running down the road, and certainly not this far; we'd hit the outskirts of Pallet Town. As far as I knew, Ash wasn't supposed to be anywhere unsupervised, and I certainly didn't count as a chaperone.

But, when Ash woke me up this morning, I was unable to argue with the force of his passion. And so, I ran along with Ash for most of the day, hoping that the boy had given his poor parents some clue as to where he'd went and why.

Given that training was the only thing on his mind lately, I hoped they'd figure it out. "I think I can make toast!" Ash suddenly halted, and I slammed into his heels. I was grateful for a break, and even more elated when Ash grinned and pointed to a sign on the shop we had stopped in front of. Ice cream.

I plunked myself on a table and almost passed out, while Ash went to go buy ice cream, and didn't think about what a horrible idea that was until it was too late. Hopefully, Ash would have enough sense to point to what he wanted, rather than use words, as I had no more energy to go rescue him. I also hoped he'd thought to bring money.

Of course, now that the endorphins and adrenaline were wearing off, I was able to think a little clearer, and my thoughts started to grow gloomy. Why was Ash being nice to me? What had I done to deserve this?

"Hey, is that Ash?" I heard voices at a table near mine, and turned my head a little. A group of children were sitting with their ice cream cones, looking in the direction of my trainer.

"Are you sure that's him?" There were some shrugs. "I haven't seen him for years."

"What's he doing here? I thought he was off in some other region."

"Really? I heard he gave up Pokemon training!"

"Naw, he was just in the hospital for a bit. One of the pokemon he was training attacked him." There were howls of laughter, and I felt my heart clench.

"Oh, wow, that sounds like Ash!"

"No kidding!"

"I can't believe he ever made it as far as he did. I was so sure he'd get lost on Route 1 or something."

"Yeah, well, remember that league championship where his Charizard took a nap? That kid doesn't have a clue how to control Pokemon." Despite my exhaustion, I pushed myself to my feet. They didn't know anything about us, and they didn't get to talk so simply.

"Yeah, but he did win the Battle Frontier," one of the girls pointed out. "And he beat Gary Oak, so he must have a couple tricks up his sleeve."

"Had to be flukes," a smug boy asserted. "I mean, really? Ash beating Gary? Don't make me laugh."

"Yeah, we all know Gary's the better trainer. He just doesn't care about battling now that he's a researcher. I bet he let Ash win out of pity." I was fully upright now, and my cheeks were sparking. Without a thought as to what I would say or do, I was about to go over to that table and give those kids a piece of my mind. The only thing that stopped me was Ash returning with our ice cream.

A hush fell over the other table when Ash walked by, but that was nothing compared to the look that passed over Ash's face when he saw my cheeks sparking. He had frozen, and all the blood drained out of his face as he watched my moves like a frightened Skitty.

Slowly, I brought the sparks down until I was normal and non-threatening, and Ash was able to breathe again. Hesitantly, as if he might bring the roof down upon us with his actions, he held out an ice cream cone to me, and after I gently took it, he visibly relaxed.

That solved the mystery of why he was being so nice. He was bribing the monster under his bed with ice cream.

Ash's jitters at seeing me sparking were only diminished when the whispers began at the table next to us. I couldn't make out words at first, but over time, they began to grow more confident.

"You know who his dad is, right?" Ash immediately stood up, ice cream only half finished, and made to leave. I followed, but I was a little concerned for him.

"Pikapi?" But I had already gone too far with the electricity earlier, and Ash clamped his hands over his ears, getting a little ice cream in his hair as he did so. There was a squeal from the table, and again, I felt a desire to go practice Iron Tail on their faces.

"_The _Silver?"

"I don't believe it."

"Wow, they are nothing alike." Ash broke out into a run, and I dropped my ice cream cone and followed after him. My lungs burned and my muscles ached, but I didn't dare fall behind and lose sight of him, because I didn't think we were training anymore, and I was somewhat afraid that if I let him get too far, he might run someplace where I couldn't ever follow him again.

But all Ash's designs seemed to involve was running, and we were within sight of the hospital again before he finally collapsed to his knees, unable to run any farther.

I approached him gingerly, wincing when I saw that he was sobbing.

My heart broke for Ash, and though I couldn't understand all his pain, I felt, for the first time in a long while, that I understood a bit of what he felt. This was a situation that was somewhat familiar, unfortunately, and I knew what it was like to be ridiculed, and to feel like a failure.

"Pika." I stood in front of Ash and waved my arms in front of him until he reluctantly lifted his head. "Pi..." With a small stick, I drew a smiling face in the dirt in front of him. It was a simple gesture, but I thought it might bring a smile to his face, since neither of us could talk to each other properly, and I knew better than to dare try and touch him right now.

Ash gazed at my drawing for a few minutes, before drawing a small smiley face of his own. When his eyes met mine, I saw the corners of his mouth turn upwards, and I felt that despite all the barriers, we had communicated something important.

I felt like I could risk being bold. "So, uh, those kids..." Ash turned his face away from me. "You've been pretty lonely, huh?" I didn't say that I was referring to before his journey, before he met me, but Ash seemed to understand, and anyway, it probably didn't feel so long ago for him. Growing up in Pallet Town was probably the only part of his life he could remember in perfect detail, without gaps or assistance.

"Only half," Ash responded to my guess, shifting uncomfortably. I found myself smiling, in spite of everything. No matter what the circumstances, Ash would always be Ash.

"Well, you're not alone, now." Ash blinked in surprised. "I mean, I'm not the best friend in the world," especially not lately, "But I'm on your side, and you have your mom and your dad, and all your friends now." Ash looked comforted, but still troubled about something, and if I knew him as well as I thought I did, I could guess what was going through his mind.

"Listen," I promised, "One day, you are going to stand up on Indigo Plateau as the world's greatest Pokemon Master. Better than the Elite Four, better than the Champion. And all of those kids will be cheering you on. You are going to be the best, I promise you that." I didn't know how that was possible, anymore, but if it was Ash, he would find a way. And even though I didn't have the right anymore, a long time ago, I'd promised to help him get there, that it would be two of us, standing on the highest mountain and looking down at the world we'd conquered.

I missed those dreams. I no longer had a place in them, but I felt my old love for Ash swirling up when the boy got to his feet, mood restored. He would find a way, he always found a way.

* * *

><p>"No," I told Ash forcefully, trying to physically grab his crayon away from him and hoping that his fear of me would be enough to make him stop. But though he backed away, he quickly resumed his previous task, scribbling angrily over all the positive words on his wall. All the 'happy's, all the 'nice's and, worst of all, all the 'me's. "Stop this!"<p>

Supposedly, Ash was taking medicine to reduce his symptoms, but as far as I could tell, nothing was happening. Silver went as far as to grab Ash's arms and hold them down, preventing the boy from blotting himself out of existence. "Wow, half-pint, where do you get all this energy?" he grunted as Ash kicked the wall in frustration.

I watched Ash kick and scream, but I also saw the pain in his eyes, and I was reminded of what had happened when we'd gone for ice cream earlier. Things might be out of control with Ash at the moment, but at the core, a bit of my friend still remained. And all Ash had ever wanted was to find his place in the world, with people he loved and who loved him.

Clinging to that, I pried the crayon out of Ash's hands, assisted by Silver, and walked back to the wall. I had to pull a chair around to accomplish my goal, but I made sure Ash was watching when I found one of the 'me' words that hadn't been crossed out and connected it to the word 'powerful'.

Ash's cries began to die down, and I had his interest. I continued on in my task, moving the chair a bit so I could draw a line from the word 'love' back to Ash's name.

For all I knew, these words didn't mean what I thought they meant. I didn't know what context he'd written them under, or if they weren't as confused as the words coming out of his mouth, but as I saw Ash relax and engage with the world again, I felt like I was on the right track. I tied the word 'me' to 'win' and then to 'train' and then to 'friend'. It was then that Ash got to his feet and joined me, nervously taking the crayon and continuing the task. He connected 'friend' to 'Ritchie', 'love' to 'Mom' and 'Pokemon' to 'happy'. For some reason, he also connected 'hurt' to 'sunrise' and I didn't know what that was all about, but Ash seemed to be having an epiphany, so I let him work out his thoughts in his own way.

But when he drew a line from 'love' to 'Pikachu', I felt my face fall. Could we say that was true anymore? I touched the line with my paw, now wanting to be the one who erased and crossed things out.

If I loved Ash, I wouldn't have turned him into this. I would have been the kind of friend he could have trusted with the secret of his condition, and I would have made efforts not to always get kidnapped and lead him into danger. I wouldn't have tried to scare him on purpose, or given in to Team Rocket so easily.

And if Ash loved me, well, then he should stop.

But when I shook my head at Ash, he frowned and just made the line thicker. Satisfied, he put the crayon down and urged me outside to practice Iron Tail.

* * *

><p>Once again, Ash had run away from the hospital and made me his unwilling accomplice. I didn't approve, and voiced my opinion, but that boy could disappear like a Gastly when he wanted to, and I thought it was better to follow him than let him go off on his own. Unlike the previous time, he didn't go far, just to an isolated section of the hospital lawn, and he seemed to have no interest in doing anything but running me through Iron Tail attack a couple hundred times.<p>

I obeyed his orders until my knees started shaking, at which point he took pity on me and let me collapse. He flopped down on his back a foot or two away, and we both let our minds drift off with the clouds for some time.

In a weird way, despite all the unusual circumstances of this week, I was feeling closer to Ash than I had in a long time. Somehow, training together was building up something that had been damaged, something I couldn't quite put my finger on, but an indescribable component to our friendship that I hadn't realized I'd been missing. I felt happier, stronger, less burdened, even though I knew I shouldn't be feeling so light and peaceful.

I hoped this was helping Ash, too. And maybe it was, because he had a lot more moments when he was outside with me, acting almost like a normal trainer than a frenzied demon who wrote nonsense all over the walls. I began to hope, like Professor Oak had told me earlier, that maybe Ash could recover from this. Maybe they'd let him go home soon?

Hope... there was hope for Ash, but what for me? Did I deserve to hope for good things, or to lay here under the puffy white clouds so peacefully? After everything I had done, and everything I had let happen, I surely didn't deserve to feel as content as I did right now.

I groaned a little, my muscles aching. Ash was a terrible taskmaster, and always had been. Even before the accident, he'd never let me get away with anything when it came to training. Outside of battling, it was a different story, (apparently, I could even get away with murder,) but as a trainer, he was demanding and absolute. When I was being obstinate due to cowardice, he called me on it, and when I coasted through training, he caught me and made me do the exercise again. He was always gentle when it came to my fears and my limits, but he knew what my true potential was, and he never let me give him anything less than my best.

Team Rocket's boss was the same, but different. He'd pushed me just as hard as Ash had this week, but where Ash's training had filled me with hope and strength, with Team Rocket, I had just felt relieved that it was over. I hung on to the little moments of reprieve, the tiny things that made life almost bearable, and had somehow elevated those things into something equal to how Ash made me feel, a way to get through the dark days.

"He used to stroke my fur," I suddenly said, feeling an unexpected need to voice this to someone. "After battles and training. The grunts were jerks, but he was always gentle. Sometimes, he even played music while we slept." Soft, classical pieces that soothed and comforted. I could feel, rather than see Ash's frown. "I know that's not right, he was the one controlling the collar and all, but..." I shook my head, "I don't know. It just felt nice." It made me sick, but it felt nice. "It was the only thing that didn't feel dark and ugly and filthy. And I don't know why, but I can't forget it." Those memories were always in the shadows, haunting me.

Ash was quiet, just listening to my tale with respectful solemnity, and I was a little surprised to find that this was all I wanted. It was enough for him to simply listen to me, and for me to know he cared. I couldn't describe all the ways my feelings were morphing inside my heart, but somehow, it felt right. Calming and peaceful, devoid of shame.

"It was really hard without you. I guess it would have still been hard if you were there," I admitted, knowing that even Ash wouldn't always be able to stop all of Team Rocket's crimes, "But that was the hardest part. I was alone and scared, and you weren't there to, well, be you." I heard Ash shifting in the grass, and I sighed, "I know it's wrong to blame you, but I couldn't help it then, and now I can't stop." It made it easier, to be mad at someone. "But I don't hate you, I'm not even really mad at you." I don't think Ash quite believed me. "I'm not really mad at you, it was just easier to blame you than to think about how I really feel..."

I felt a little prickle against my ear, but when I flicked it away, the touch remained. It was a deliberate, warm contact that forced me to look at Ash in surprise, where I could see his outstretched arm reaching toward me, his fingertips running over the edge of my ear. It felt like smooth, absent strokes, but I knew that nothing Ash did in relation to me could ever be done absently.

Our eyes locked for a minute and the world fell away. Nothing mattered but Ash's comforting, reassuring touch and all the silent things that told me. In that moment, I could see his courage, his trust and his concern for me, and took my breath away to see, so plainly and clearly, that Ash wasn't gone. He was here. He'd always been here, just hiding out of sight. Maybe I'd never known where to look.

Nothing could hurt me as long as we had this connection.

"I'm scared," I confessed, suddenly feeling like I had to say everything in my heart, and that I could finally acknowledge those feelings without being destroyed by them. I could throw them all to Ash, he would hold me safe and keep me from drowning. "I'm scared that you won't want me if I keep messing everything up and that you're going to get sicker and I'll have to watch you die again because of me." I had no more desire to hide my tears, or any of my emotions. "I thought you weren't coming, and I don't know why you didn't tell me I'd hurt you, and I get sick thinking about all the reasons you might be scared of me now. I have nightmares that the boss is going to come back and take me away again, and that maybe I want him to, and maybe this time you won't come rescue me. I'm scared that I finally did something so horrible that even you're going to give up on me. I'm scared, I'm so scared!" Ash lightly smoothed the delicate fur at the tip of my ear. Though it was a small contact, miniscule, it soothed me. Ash quietly held my gaze, and his eyes were warm and comforting, and though I detected a bit of timidity, there was earnestness in their depths. I waited with baited breath for his words, sure that whatever he said would be able to erase all my pain.

"Eggs hatch and the cherry trees fly like Bulbasaur." The moment was ruined. I started choking on my laughter, and was nearly paralyzed by a silly feeling that spread over my heart like a balm. This was all ridiculous, every last bit of it.

I giggled, "I have no idea what you're saying!" But I didn't need to understand, and Ash just kept tickling the tips of my ears with a gentleness that was at odds with how scared he must also have been.

But there wasn't anything to be scared of. All my fears, however real they felt, were unfounded.

And when I caught Ash's eyes between peals of happy laughter, I knew that he'd realized it, too.

* * *

><p>It seemed like a normal day, or at least, normal under the current circumstances. Normal, but somehow, different. Ash was having me perform Iron Tail after Iron Tail, not until I got it right but until I could never get it wrong. Just like we had yesterday, and the day before, and nearly everyday since his mind had caved in on itself.<p>

But today, there was something in the air that felt different. There was something about the way Ash moved and walked, something in his expressions, buried in all his reactions. Something about that boy was different.

It felt different, but the day proceeded as usual. Training began, my tail cut through the air like a knife, rocks shattered on impact and I felt a strength I never knew I had. When Ash finally said I could stop, I was completely spent, but I felt happy. I knew I had done well, and when Ash walked up to me, I saw the same thing reflected in his face.

"You did a great job, a great job," he told me, a confident grin on his face. "Iron Tail looks, Iron Tail looks fantastic!" But for all Ash's praise, there was something more monumental.

"Pikapi!" He probably didn't even realize it, seeming surprised at the unbridled glee in my voice, but Misty explained it to him with wonder in her voice.

"Ash, we can understand you!" At first, Ash was confused. And then, slowly and in stages, I saw the gravity of this realization start to press down on him, and the weight of his gratitude. In that moment, I knew that I could never understand what Ash had been going through these past days, let alone months, even if he spent the rest of his life trying to explain it to me. The joy I felt at seeing him come back to himself seemed trite and simple compared to the complex emotions Ash was currently displaying.

But, that was what had been different all along. Ash looked well. Healthy. Himself. And nothing else mattered.

After a few seconds of processing, Ash turned tail and charged across the lawn to where his parents were sitting, and he nearly bowled them over with his tackle. Hugs were exchanged, tears were shed, and Ash kept up a steady stream of "I love you, I love you, in case I can't say it again, I love you..."

I couldn't imagine anything I ever saw in life would make me happier than I felt in this moment.

* * *

><p>After some examination, Ash was released from the hospital, and while we were cautioned to monitor his behavior, it seemed that he was well again, and this past week was simply a temporary nightmare.<p>

Words could not express my relief.

I was released as well. I was worried Joy would want to keep me for a bit longer, but she was of the opinion that training with Ash was the best thing for me. We'd been able to help each other, she said, like trainers and Pokemon should. That may have been true, but I was inclined to credit Ash with having done most of the work. It was his obsession with Pokemon training that had worked a miracle here.

Ash didn't much like to talk about that week he spent in the hospital, but when asked about it, he'd finally replied that Pokemon training was the only thing he knew how to do, even if he couldn't remember much about being a trainer. We weren't exactly sure if he was talking about re-learning Iron Tail, or the issue at large. But I began to think that maybe he'd needed to train me as much as I'd needed to be trained by him.

At home, Ash continued to haul me outside each morning, and I wondered if he'd forgotten that I had already mastered Iron Tail. If so, I was reluctant to remind him, as I was somewhat worried that he'd stop spending time with me if he thought we were done. Though he was kind to me, and we had been growing closer, I still remembered the near-murderous rage he'd shown that day he confronted me in the hospital.

But the day was all fun, tempered with work, as the two of us trained together. As usual, Ash pushed me well past my limit, and as usual, I relished in it. Team Rocket had also pushed me beyond my capabilities, but where I had felt weak, Ash made me feel strong. Where they had ridiculed me, Ash encouraged, and where I had felt like a failure, Ash made me feel like a champion.

"_Get up, again! This little rat can take a bit more!" _ The words of the grunts would never fully fade, they would always be there, and the boss... _"Now, Pikachu, is that really the best you can do?"_

Ash's words were not so different, and they never had been. _ "Come on, Pikachu, get up! You can still fight!"_ He'd shouted to me in countless tournaments, long after I should have fainted, and his commands were the only things driving me forward. Ash never let me get away with anything less than my very best.

But something was intrinsically different between the two, and it went beyond the pain and evil of Team Rocket, or the kindness of Ash. It was something I couldn't see before, and could only identify after Ash had torn everything down, pushed me so far that my broken, twisted thoughts couldn't reach me.

He had torn everything down and rebuilt it brick by brick, without me even realizing it. By the time my thoughts had been able to catch up, he'd already finished making something new.

Training didn't hurt, or remind me of my guilt, not anymore. Ash had fixed it, and made it safe again. And I could see clearly again, what made him different from Team Rocket, and every other trainer out there.

Simply put, Ash wanted me to be my very best, because that would bring joy to both of us. And when faced with that, I couldn't help but respond positively.

"Don't stop, come on!" I was little more than crawling by that point, but I managed to follow Ash down the lane and over the bridge, trying to keep up with his demands. Wherever the road went, however long he kept me running, I would follow. Ash climbed over a small fence that I dragged myself under, and then we both skidded down a hill to land in a soft field of grass, littered with wildflowers.

It was here Ash finally let me rest, and he set a large container of berries in front of me. I ate a few to recover my stamina, then flopped back onto the grass, and Ash did likewise, a few feet away.

But he was still within arm's reach of me. He could reach out and touch me, if he felt like it. I was glad to see that that hadn't changed, that we were growing comfortable together.

Because it wasn't just me waiting for Ash to catch up, I had finally realized. Sometimes it was Ash, waiting for me to take down the weapons and the barriers so he could get close. We were in this together now, and that was how it should have been from the beginning.

"This is my secret place, my secret place," Ash told me as he stared up at the sky. "The other kids don't come here, not here, it's safe, can hide..." I no longer wondered why he needed a place to hide from the other kids. "It's a good place to think about stuff, think about stuff.."

I didn't doubt it. There was something about the atmosphere that was calming and peaceful, and I found my head clearing from the oppressive fog that sometimes clouded it.

Ash had never mentioned his secret place before. In all our years of friendship, he'd never told me about it, or explained why he needed one. Perhaps he'd never felt the need to share that, or maybe we were finally close enough that he felt he could?

It was as if Ash could sense my unspoken thoughts. "Being scared of you, you, and not telling you about the, about the... the doctor, why I didn't, why I can't, it's not that simple, not that simple..." I knew that, but...

"Is there anything you can tell me?" If I turned my head, I could see Ash's arms crossed behind his head, more relaxed than he'd ever been on this topic.

Even so, he hesitated before answering. "You're sky. Sky, and air. Everywhere, go on forever, forever, touching everything, everything I breathe... you're sun, you're storm, dangerous, but bright, bright, too. You're sky, air, sun, storm, nature, and I... I feel like nothing, a speck, nothing."

I was about to say something, but Ash cut me off. "I know it's not, it's different, but so much about you, even if you tell me, even if you tell me, I don't feel, don't remember, remember other stuff. Still figuring it out, out... But you're sky, air, so don't worry, don't worry..."

Don't worry. _Because you're everything._

I watched the clouds dance in the sky while I mulled that over. "Thanks," I found myself murmuring, "This is a nice place."

Ash didn't answer, and we lay under the sky until dinner time.

* * *

><p>It became a regular routine, that after training a bit, we'd go to Ash's childhood hideout and just lay under the sky. Sometimes, we would talk, and sometimes we wouldn't, I'd nap and Ash might read his journal, but either way, it was nice to just be together.<p>

I could see why Ash sought refuge here in his younger days. The whole place spoke of safety, it was a place to get your thoughts in order, and a place where we could take risks and voice those thoughts aloud. On afternoons like this, I felt brave enough to tell Ash about my own relationship with my parents. We were never close, and I'd hardly spared them a thought over the past few years. But all the same, "It's been a long time, though, I guess there are a few things I'd like to say to them. But I don't know how I'd ever find them. And even if I could, I let the distance between us get too big, I don't know what I'd say." I turned to Ash, hoping he understood my feelings, because whatever was going on between him and his dad, it just wasn't like him to shut someone out of his life. "If you let things go for too long, it gets harder and harder to break out of it. Even if you want to repair it, you can't remember how to have a conversation that isn't awkward."

I think Ash understood me, because he always understood me when it was important, and he was able to respond to all the hints I dropped about the procedure in Viridian. "There was a dark place, dark, and I was alone. I went there, I'd been there before, and you couldn't hold on, you couldn't hold on." He shut his eyes at the memory. "Not your fault, I know it's not your fault, but I was alone, and scared, and I don't want to go there again, again..."

"You don't know that's what will happen," I reasoned, not liking the sound of this dark place, "It's supposed to make you better. Don't you want that?" Ash sighed, and rolled onto his side.

"Doesn't change, doesn't change me," he emphasized. "Everyone wants the old Ash, but I'm different, I'm different, and they'll see..." By the expression on his face, he knew he was being childish, but he couldn't help clinging to his fears, "If I get better, I won't get better all the way, not all the way, I won't be the old Ash, and they'll leave, they'll leave. But I..." he bit his lip, "I like them now, right now, I want them to stay..."

He was afraid we'd stop being friends with him. To my mind, it seemed silly, but to him, all his fears were very real, and maybe he had a point. So I told him that we would always be his friends, no matter what, and hoped that he could believe my words.

We talked about all sorts of things, even Team Rocket. It was only when I was with Ash, when I gave all those feelings to him, that I could talk about it.

Sometimes I wondered if that was fair, for me to dump everything onto him. It seemed cruel, after everything I'd already done to him, to burden him more with all my stupid issues. But Ash always listened, and always made me feel like it was okay to say my feelings. "It's horrifying when nobody believes in you, nobody cares how you feel, or wants you to succeed, or thinks you can be more that you are..." That's how I felt, when I thought that, for once in his life, Ash had given up on me. "And that's been bothering me a lot. He made me feel like I mattered, in a weird way. And you weren't there. You hadn't been there for a while.." Ash didn't voice his feelings, but I felt his sadness radiating from him. "I know you didn't do it on purpose, but that doesn't make everything go away." It was then that I had an epiphany, and I snapped my head back to Ash to see all the same feelings reflected in his eyes. We were exactly the same.

"So, what, what do we do?" Ash whispered, and I whispered back, "I don't know."

I had no idea where to go from here, but even so, looking at Ash, I felt we could figure it out.

* * *

><p>It wasn't long before Ash approached me about having another Pokemon battle. "With Ritchie, Ritchie," he clarified, and I felt a little of my horror subside. We were not battling Silver again, not until we got more experience.<p>

I was surprised, though, that I was thinking that someday facing Silver with Ash could be a possibility. More and more, I was thinking of the future, not burdened by cares of the moment.

But, at the moment, Ash wanted to battle. "So, do you think, think we could? I do," his conviction was enough to get me to agree, even though Ash admitted that he wasn't going to call any electric attacks. "Not yet, I'm not ready yet."

I liked the word 'yet'. It gave me hope. I agreed to this battle, and while I expected Ash to be pleased by that, he seemed troubled.

"Nervous?" I teased, and when Ash tensed, I wondered if we we not quite close enough to be teasing each other. Ash didn't respond, and left me alone.

With not much else to do, I wandered the house, trying to make sense of what was bothering Ash. It could be anything, it could be nothing, there was no telling what he remembered and in what context or what was floating around in his head these days. But I remembered how things were only a week or two ago, when we were struggling to master Iron Tail and the light had gone out of Ash's eyes.

I wanted to fix that. I wanted Ash to be excited about Pokemon battles, and life, and his future.

Eventually, I ended up in Ash's room, where his journal lay open on the desk. I should have left it alone, but I was struck with the thought that there might be a clue to Ash's feelings, as he was able to express himself a little better using written words.

The pages were open to entries from a few weeks ago, before we'd had the fight that landed Ash in a psychiatric hospital. I skimmed over them, focusing more closely when I saw my name.

"Things are still wrong. Ritchie doesn't see it, but they are, something's wrong with Pikachu. But he thinks Pikachu needs to try being in a Pokemon battle. I don't think so, but he's a better trainer than me, so I should probably do what he says." So that's how we ended up in the battle that almost ended our friendship. I read a little further down, "I want to battle dad. I don't think we'll win, but I think I have to. It's not like I'm fooling anybody, anyway. Dad knows I'm a terrible trainer, and he can see what a mess I am, everyone can see that. They're all frustrated with me, so I have to show them I'm trying. And Pikachu needs to know that I trust him, and he doesn't have to be worried all the time. I want to win, but losing is okay, too, as long as we do our best. I think it would be good for Pikachu to lose, and see that nothing bad will happen to him if he does. Misty thinks battling is a terrible idea."

That was nothing like what I'd expected to read. I hadn't realized that Ash was thinking about me so much, so concerned with how I felt.

I also didn't expect to see so much pessimism toward himself. "I'm not a good trainer, not like all of them. Maybe I never was. I'm always messing up. But I really do want to fight a battle with Pikachu. Even if we lose, even if he thinks I'm too weak to train him, I want to try. I'm scared to, I don't know if I can, but I feel like if I just try, everything will be okay. If I do my best, everything will work out. Nothing I do is ever good enough for Pikachu, but if he sees that I did my best, if we can battle together, maybe something good will happen?"

I almost choked, realizing just how monumentally I had messed that whole thing up. Ash had made mistakes, too, there was no denying that, but I... I had told him, right after a horrible loss, that he wasn't good enough. The words I knew would hurt him the most, said at the time most likely to shatter him.

No wonder he was feeling down.

I heard the door open behind me and I jumped ten feet in the air. "I'm sorry!" I squeaked when I realized it was Ash, even though I had no excuse to absolve me.

Ash's face was unreadable, and he just shrugged. "You can look..." He plunked himself down on his bed, the air around him gloomy. It used to be that all his emotions were displayed so plainly, but lately, he'd been internalizing things, working his feelings out where the rest of us couldn't see.

Maybe he'd changed after the accident, or maybe he was just growing up? Either way, it made me sad, to know there were feelings Ash didn't trust me with. But hadn't it always been that way? He'd also hidden from me that my electricity had hurt him, and whatever reasons he'd had for doing so, the fact remained that he'd kept such an important secret from me.

It hurt. But, then, what right had I to demand Ash tell me everything? In the case of the electricity, it wouldn't have changed anything, and Ash knew that. And now, I hadn't done very well with the secrets he did tell me. As a best friend, I was doing a terrible job, and even that didn't matter, because there were some things Ash would never recover from.

Ash seemed to sense my sadness. "You okay, okay?"

I sighed. "It bothers me that I can get better and you can't. Not really." Ash frowned at me.

"You like to hurt yourself with things, hurt yourself," he chastised. "If I'm hurt, you should be, too, if I'm hurt, that's what you think? But you should stop, because I'm okay. I'm okay, I don't want you to hurt."

Even though he'd hit the nail on the head, I still denied it. "But, when I see you like this, and I know you're not happy..." Whether it was an emotional pain or a physical one, Ash's life had taken on new hardships. "If something upsets you, how could I not be upset, too?"

Ash thought about that for a moment, and smiled a bit to himself. "You really think about me a lot, don't you, don't you? Thanks..." When he said that, I felt like maybe I wasn't _completely_ horrible as a best friend. "But try not to be sad, not to be sad anymore. This is okay."

Did he mean he was okay, or our relationship was okay, or his condition as a whole was okay? I didn't know, but when he smiled at me, I wondered if it really mattered. Maybe I was over thinking everything?

"So, uh... I need, I need to talk to you, I need to talk to you," Ash mumbled, and I nodded my head to show that I was listening. "Don't, don't interrupt, please, just let me talk, 'cause this is hard, this is really hard." I promised, and hopped down to the floor, while Ash did the same, and we faced each other quietly.

Ash pulled a folded piece of paper from his pocket and opened it, placing it on the floor between us. "I drew this, I drew this, a while ago, I guess..." He'd shown me it before, but I didn't remind him, having promised to stay silent. "You need to understand, to understand, there are three of you, in my head, there's three..." He pointed between the three images, a Pikachu, a heart, and a black scribble.

"I remember, I remember," he tapped the heart and pursed his lips, "I remember he was scared, hurt and scared, and I wanted to help him. I wanted to help him, but I couldn't. And then, I was far away..." Ash paused for a minute to take some calming breaths, and I waited patiently.

When he was ready, he continued. "There's a hole, a hole, or it's heavy here, in my heart." He pointed to his own chest for emphasis. "Because he was gone, and I couldn't find him, I couldn't find him, and I was worried. It always felt really heavy... And then..." he pointed with a shaking finger to the scribbled mess, "I was afraid. I'm still afraid, but I'm learning to be okay, I'm learning to be okay. Trying..."

I knew he was trying, I knew that now. Until recently, I hadn't known what it meant for him to try, because I didn't know the problems he was facing. I'd been applying my own expectations to his situation, wondering why he didn't do things that I thought were so simple. Even now, I still didn't truly understand, but I trusted Ash. I knew that he, in whatever ways he had to, was giving me his very best, just like he always had.

"And then there was you, there was you." Ash pointed to the last drawing, the Pikachu. "And you were just there, just there. You didn't make sense, because you were this," he pointed to the heart, "and this" the black mess, "But they weren't you, weren't you. You didn't make sense..."

Ash sat back for a moment, and I tried to digest all this. It was like when we were in the psychiatric hospital, when he was trying to piece together words to form a bigger picture. In fact, it was something he'd been doing all along, trying to make fragmented concepts into a sensible whole. It wasn't that he hated me, or even blamed me for anything, but that his world simply did not make sense, and he couldn't progress in any direction until he figured it out.

"I don't think, I don't think I knew... sometimes I still forget," Ash continued, looking at his three drawings, "That you, and this... you're the same..." he was pointing to the heart, and a little fond smile appeared on his face. "My memories aren't always things, pictures, sometimes it's like, yellow. Or dust, dust on my shoes, or what grass feels like, grass feels like..." he sighed, "It's not simple, not simple, but I know, now I know, you're the heavy feeling in my heart, and the weight, the weight on my shoulder, and smiles..." He trailed off a bit when he saw that I was tearing up.

He did remember me. Not the way I thought I wanted him to, but in the way that was most important. And he loved me.

"If I forget, sometimes, I know it now, I know it now, so... so please don't worry, don't worry." I nodded happily, resisting the urge to jump into his arms rub cheeks. "And I know, the fear... when I see you, sometimes, I get scared, but that's not because it's what you are, what you are..." He lifted his eyes from the paper. "It's not what you are, but sometimes, you make things hard, make things hard..."

Now I felt reprimanded, and my face grew sorrowful again. "Sometimes, I worry, because I make you mad, you get mad, and you, I don't think you used to like me, I remember, I remember you shocked me a lot, and stuff, so, so... sometimes, I think I made a mistake..." When our eyes locked, he asked me very pointedly, "Was it a mistake?"

Training me, or thinking we were friends? A mix-up, or a flaw in his whole world view? I wasn't sure I understood the question.

But, even with everything that happened, even with all Ash had suffered, I felt some good things had happened, too. The memories Ash had lost, I still carried, and they were precious to me. And the memories I'd made since, while not all good, were still important. And I felt there was something between us, something strong and unbreakable that we never would have found if not for tragedy.

So, even if it was completely selfish, I told him "No. None of it was a mistake." And the grin he gave me could have lit up the world.

* * *

><p>When Ash and I faced Ritchie, we were ready. I could feel it, Ash had my back, this was going to be a good battle.<p>

Showing foresight, Ritchie chose to use his Butterfree over Sparky, the latter of which was slightly disappointed. But Sparky knew the situation as well as Ritchie did, and there was no sense in testing Ash with electric attacks today. He had enough to cope with just having this battle.

But I knew we could win, and let my confidence be known, while Ash stood behind me with a more quiet assurance. I missed the way he used to run and jump, cheering and shouting over Pokemon matches, and I hoped that part of his personality was simply waiting, biding it's time, until Ash grew more confident. I hoped for that, but I decided that I could get used to this new Ash as well.

The things I loved about Ash the most were the same things that drove him to stand on the field with me today, and everything else was superfluous details. "Are you ready, you ready?"

Yes. Born ready.

"Begin!"

"Happy, Confusion!"

"Pika-Quick-tack!" Ash was nervous. He'd called the attack perfectly when we were practicing, but now the pressure was on, and Happy and I were moving so fast.

But, stuttering or not, Ash still had good sense as a trainer, and our communication was good enough to handle his verbal failings. After all the hours of training together, I had remembered how to listen. "Iron T-Tail!" Iron Tail sailed through the air and hit Happy straight and true. While I probably shouldn't have enjoyed pounding a friend out of the sky, I couldn't help but be overjoyed when my attack connected. It felt so good to get it right.

To be fighting a battle with Ash, properly in sync, more powerful than I had ever been, that was a miracle. A miracle I'd lost faith in, but now it was here. Everything I wanted was represented in this battle.

It wasn't perfect. "Hyper Attack!" Not by a long shot, but it was still good. "Great job, great job! Again!" Better than good. This was everything that really mattered. "Iron Tail!"

It really didn't take long for us to win the match. I was faster than before, I could set up Iron Tail in half the time it had taken me before I'd lost it. My attacks were more accurate, I had a better sense of timing, so when they hit, they did the most damage possible. And I was strong, I was so strong, and Ash believed in me...

But when I ran back to Ash, grinning uncontrollably, he recoiled with a small squeal. I skidded to a stop, feeling like he'd just stuck a knife in my chest, and my cheeks began to burn with shame. Not again, not now, not after that..

"Wait, wait," Ash begged, holding out a hand to me. "J-just h-hang, hang on, I..." He was gasping for air, taking in huge breaths as he tried to calm down, but eventually, he was able to relax a fraction. "It's not you, it's not, I promise," he rattled off, swallowing heavily. "I'm not, no, you did good, great, I'm just..." A fresh wave of tears came, but Ash's upset face was dissolving into something beaming and cheerful. "I'm so happy...!"

Hearing that, I dared to come closer, and felt my good mood rising again. "Then why-?"

"You're just so much, so much!" He held his arms wide as if too demonstrate how much. "I feel like I'm going to fly apart, can't help it, can't even remember why, why I feel so much, but it's not," he calmed down a little, "It's not all bad, this isn't bad, this is good, just," he began to laugh a little, "Just a bit too much..."

"I think I get it..." I said aloud, suddenly remembering that day I'd been hit on the head, and Team Rocket had convinced me that Ash was my enemy. It was different for several reasons, but I'd hated Ash at that time, because they'd told me I did.

But the thing I'd hated the most was how this evil person, this person who supposedly wanted to kidnap me and hurt me, could make me feel so many explosive happy things when I looked at him. He was supposed to be my enemy, I didn't have any idea who he was, but when he spoke, my heart was overwhelmed by how much I loved him.

In a tiny, miniscule way, I thought I understood Ash, just a tiny bit.

But that was in the past, and for now, Ash's face was full of joy and wonder. He'd rediscovered some of the joy at having a Pokemon battle, and I was thrilled to be able to see that.

But I was happiest when Ritchie approached us. "That was great, Ash," he praised. "You too, Pikachu. It was a great battle." When he extended his hand, he looked a little nervous. Battling had been a sore point between the two of them for some time, for reasons Ritchie had never been privy to. Even now, I was only sort of able to understand how Ash had felt like his friends thought he was worthless, that they didn't respect him, or thought he couldn't train me. I wasn't even sure I fully grasped why Ash felt that way, but Ash reached for Ritchie's hand with pure, guileless joy.

Whatever Ash had felt, it was over. They were friends again, and that's when I knew everything was going to be fine. Because this was the Ash I had become friends with, and he had never truly left us at all.

* * *

><p>The next morning, just as the sun was barely peeking over the horizon, Ash came over to me and woke me up. He didn't touch me, just clapped incessantly until I opened my bleary eyes and glared at him. "Follow me," he petitioned, and since I suspected he would keep hounding me until I did, I agreed, and followed him down the lane.<p>

"Are you sure we're allowed to run off like this?" I asked when we started getting further from the house.

Ash didn't seem worried. "Just follow me, follow me..." We walked far down the road, past the edge of Pallet Town and out towards Route 1. The air between us was not tense, but it was serious, and I wondered why he'd brought me out here.

We finally stopped at a quiet spot on the road. It was beautiful here, and peaceful while the rest of the world was just beining to wake up. From here, I could see the place where Ash and I had faced all those Spearow so long ago. Ash shoved his hands into his pockets. "I think I said, I think I said you could leave, after learning Iron Tail, you could leave, and I didn't care." He looked uncomfortable. "I think I said that... I won't make you stay, make you stay, but I do care, I care a lot."

"I don't want to leave," I replied, but apparently, it wasn't that simple.

"You know, I've been waiting my whole life, whole life to go on a Pokemon Journey," Ash told me in solemn tones. "Dad, Gramps, they're great trainers, famous, but... But, I'm not... I never win anything, Gary, everyone calls me a loser, a loser, But, I know..." He turned his head away, hiding his eyes. "T-this is my dream, my dream, and I can do this. Get a pokemon, we're gonna be best friends, best friends, it's not going to think I'm a loser, and I'll train it, train and we'll win everything. We'll travel, catch lots of friends, all the pokemon in the world will want to be on our team, on our team, because we're the best. I'll be the best Pokemon Master in the world, and all the pokemon are gonna want me to train them. That's my dream." I'd heard this all before, though not in so many words. "I'll do it, with my best friend, we'll always, always be together. But I guess," Ash looked at me sadly, "I guess I already did that, huh?"

"We could do it again," I pointed out softly, not liking the way this conversation was going. Like any moment, he might turn around and run away, telling me I'd be happier with other Pikachu.

"I didn't get very far. Maybe I am a loser, after all, after all." I protested, but he held up a hand, having more to say. "But... even before, before I met you, before I got a Pokemon, I already loved you. I loved you, you were going to be my friend, best friend, and I didn't have any, so... I knew I was going to love you, I wanted to give you everything." I was tearing up, along with Ash. "I don't really remember things now, but, but, if you stayed with me for so long, for so long, I was probably really happy..." His tears fell freely, but his smile was genuine. "I was really happy."

I didn't know what to say, beyond, "I was happy, too." I could tell Ash was glad to hear that, but it didn't stop him from saying the words I didn't want to hear.

"You can go, if you want, if you want," he all but whispered. "I won't make you stay, I know it's hard, I'm not... not right, and it's hard..."

"I don't want to go!" I insisted. "I don't-" but I stopped for a second, wondering if I should really be saying that, after I had caused so much trouble. How could I stand here and beg him to let me stay, after everything I'd done?

But Ash had already forgiven me for that, twenty times over, and this goodbye was hurting him as well. If he thought this would make me happy, then he was wrong, and just like all those years ago, I was going to have to prove it to him.

"I'm not leaving," I decided. "You're my best friend, and the only trainer I ever want. I'm staying right here."

"Nothing better is coming, Pikachu," Ash told me, getting a little emotional. "Nothing better is coming. I won't ever be what I was, what I was. It's just me, just me, me, right now..." When I saw the sadness and the pain in his eyes, I understood his unspoken question. No matter what happened or how much progress Ash made, he would never recover all of his memories. He would never be free of some of the infirmities plaguing him. There was no going back to the Ash of several months ago, but only going forward. _And was that going to be good enough?_

I had a question of my own. "You know, I'm not perfect either," I pointed out. "I know you forget stuff, but I've cause you a lot of trouble." To put it mildly. "And I can't guarantee that I won't make more mistakes later." I'd try not to, but we all knew what an idiot I could be, sometimes. "But no matter what happens, you always come to save me, and no matter how I'm feeling, I always follow you back home." I looked up, imploringly. "Is that enough?"

Knowing that whatever happened, we would keep working at the problem, keep trying to be stronger, keep trusting in our friendship. Even at our worst, and recently, we'd certainly been at our worst, we were always reaching out to the other, holding on and strengthening our friendship. "You don't have to be anybody else. You're perfect, just the way you are."

Ash's face was glowing, mouth widening into a smile. "So, you're staying, staying, right?"

"If you'll have me." But before we could go home, there was something else Ash wanted to do.

"Tell me what happened, what happened over there. With the birds, the birds." I took a deep breath before beginning. I'd gone through this conversation a million times in my head, but all my rehearsed words had vanished now. So, I told the story simply, as best as I knew how. I told Ash how we'd met and begun our journey, how we'd managed to get into trouble so quickly, and how Ash had managed to earn my respect with his bravery. Ash listened quietly, nodding occasionally to show he was following along. I imagined that he remembered a fair bit of this story, probably more than he thought he did, as there was clear recognition on his face in several parts.

While I spoke, I began to realize something. When Ash had stood up to those Spearow, it had impressed me enough to give him a chance, but that was all. Everything Ash had done after the fact, that was why we were friends, the training, the smiles, the determination and the enthusiasm. Ash might not fully remember the catalyst that had caused our friendship to begin, but all the things that really mattered were still alive in his heart.

I stopped the narrative and Ash looked over at me. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I replied with a chuckle. "Just getting a clue..."

"Can I... can I ask you for something?" Ash was looking nervous, his hands fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

"Of course. What is it?" Whatever it was, it was hard to ask for, and I had to wait patiently while Ash composed himself.

"I need you, I need you to use Th-Thunderbolt." I jumped in surprise. "Not on me, not on me! Just, I just want to watch..." I tried to tell him what a terrible idea this was, but Ash insisted that he wanted this. "I'll watch, and I'll be scared at first, at first, but after a while, I'll be okay, be okay.."

"I'm not going through this again," I told him flatly. "I don't want to be the one who hurts you." Did he not remember the week he'd completely lost his mind? It wasn't that long ago.

But Ash insisted he'd be fine. "I'm ready," he told me, in a voice so convicted I almost believed him, "I wasn't ready before, but now I am." Still, I was unsure. "I promise, I'll be okay, I'll be okay," he reassured me, "I need to do this." Even though it went against my better judgment, a voice in my heart told me I should trust Ash here.

So, I agreed, and Ash explained just what he wanted me to do. "Use Thunderbolt, a really big one, super big. And keep, keep going until I say, until I say." I couldn't help but ask, one more time, if he was really serious about this. But he was. "I'll count back from ten, back from ten, and when I get to the little numbers, at the little numbers, it's okay to stop."

I got cold feet when Ash knelt down beside me and told me I couldn't move back. "But I'll hit you."

"You won't, you won't hit me," Ash insisted, "I trust you."

He might have trusted me, but I wasn't sure I trusted myself. I'd always aimed for a wide area when using Thunderbolt, because hitting everything threatening was more important than trying not to hit something. My accuracy had improved, but still, with Ash so close to me, could I control my Thunderbolt enough to keep him from getting zapped?

But that was what he needed from me, control. Could I do it?

If he asked it of me, I decided, then yes, I could. And so, with a deep breath, I fired Thunderbolt into the sky.

Ash yelped, and it was only force of will that kept him from running away, as he very desperately wanted to. I almost stopped, but he looked at me with a wordless plea, his eyes begging me to keep going. He needed to do this, and I needed to do this.

"Ten! Ten, ten ten t-ten..." I needed this just as much as Ash, and I tried not to look as terrified as I felt, feeling bounds of energy pouring out of me, mere inches from Ash's face. "Ten, ten," he continued to gasp to himself, every now and then inserting the phrase, "I'm okay, I'm okay..."

Power, so much power, but I couldn't just let it flow out of me, I had to choose it's direction, I had to focus. This required more strength from me, more discipline. But if Ash was pushing himself this far, I had to be able to match him. I needed to be working just as hard.

As for Ash, he was starting to waver. His fear was taking over, and though it wasn't what I had seen the last time I'd used Thunderbolt, his anxiety was escalating at an uncomfortable rate. I watched him closely, wondering what I should do.

Should we stop? Give up? I didn't want to traumatize him again, but then, the fear on his face was not the same kind of fear I had seen before. It was a different kind of fear, one I understood a little better.

Ash was right in what he said. He hadn't been ready before, but he was ready now.

He opened his mouth, and I instantly knew he was going to ask me to stop. It was then that I made a split-second decision.

"Don't give up!" I encouraged, allowing a grin to spread over my face as I poured more lightening into the sky. "I've got this, there's nothing to be scared of!" Ash stopped, still panicked, still breathing heavily...

… but he endured it for a little longer.

"No need to worry," I continued to reassure him, acting with more confidence that I felt. But the more I said I had everything under control, the more I felt myself gaining control, and when I locked eyes with Ash, I saw a hope buried underneath all our worries. We could do this, together, we could.

"...e-eight, eight, I'm okay, eight..." I don't know what Ash was counting. Certainly not seconds, but as the numbers came down, from ten, to eight to seven, I could see him calming down. Slowly, in tiny margins, but it was happening.

Maybe he was measuring his fear? I felt myself getting tired, and winced as lightning crackled inches away from Ash's face. He screwed his eyes shut for a moment, gulping down breaths of air, but was able to open them again, after a few seconds. "Six, s-six, six..."

This was really happening. Ash's breathing started to become more regular, and the tears on his face seemed more from relief and a release of tension than anything else. "F-four..." His agitation was lessening, but mine was building, because this was actually happening. Ash was looking me in the eye, sitting next to me while I performed my favorite attack, and he could handle his fears.

I could have tackled him, I was so happy.

Eventually, Ash's anxiety came down to a manageable level. "Three, three, I'm okay, you can stop now, I'm okay..." I finished up my attack, grinning at Ash as the realization of what he had just done sunk in. "I'm... I'm okay..."

"Yeah," I praised. "Great job!" I was beaming through joyful tears. "I'm so proud of you-mph!"

I did not expect to be tackled by Ash, to be swept up in a hug so fierce I thought my eyes would pop out of my head. But he clung to me tightly, shaking and trembling but mumbling words of gratitude and happiness. "Thank you," he whispered over and over. "Thank you, thank you..."

When he next let me breathe, I would tell him that I should be the one thanking him. I had a lot of things I wanted to tell him, but for now, it was enough to be here in his arms, hugging him back like I'd wanted to do for months. I liked to think, as always, this was the way Ash understood me best.

* * *

><p>We walked back to Pallet Town, grinning like champions. There wasn't much too be said now that our adventure was over, at least, not something either of us could communicate in words. We mostly just kept throwing smiles at each other and breaking out into giggles, our glee unable to be contained.<p>

I knew there would still be hard or uncomfortable times ahead, Ash had warned me of that. He had trouble creating new memories, he might need to be reminded sometimes, of all we did, all we went through. But, in time, this feeling we had now would grow stronger, more permanent. I could remind him of all the good things he'd forgotten, if he was willing to forget all the bad things. Between the two of us, we would be okay.

We came to a small bridge, and Ash abruptly stopped. "Hey, uh..." he pulled something from his pocket and held it out to me. "Um, I still, I still have this..." Team Rocket's pokeball. "What, what should we do with it?"

The last time he'd asked me that, I had been confused. But now, I knew exactly what I wanted, and Ash read my face perfectly. With a smirk, he enlarged the pokeball and tossed it into the air.

"Pika..." That thing was no match for Iron Tail, and we watched the two halves fall into the river, where they were pulled under the bridge by the current and out of sight forever.

"Wouldn't it be cool, be cool," Ash wondered, "If someday, some kids find the pokeball and it's good, a good luck charm? To start their journeys?" I looked back at him, nothing but peace in my heart.

"That would be very cool."

* * *

><p>Later that day, Ash assembled all of his pokemon at Professor Oak's corral for a special meeting. I didn't know what it was about, though everyone kept hounding me for details. "No, really, he hasn't told me anything!" For all their curious questions, we could only wait until everyone arrived.<p>

When the last member of the team had been found and brought to the gathering, Ash cleared his throat. "So, uh, I have news, big news... I'm going away for a bit." Everyone cried out and Ash had to calm us all down. "Not, not bad, just, I have to go to Viridian, some hospital stuff... but don't worry, don't worry," he insisted. "I'm coming back soon, I promise, I promise." His face was so convincing. "Work hard, work hard while I'm gone, because when I get back... when I get back, we start training for the Pokemon League." He shared a triumphant look with me. "All of us."


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19: たまらず右腕 つかんで 駆け上がった坂道 (You finally grasped my right arm, and we ran up the slope)

* * *

><p>"I'm so glad you two are back to normal!"<p>

Everyone seemed to be saying that lately... It wasn't that they were wrong, but it made me uncomfortable to hear it. I think Ash felt the same way.

What did that mean, "back to normal"? The two of us were still trying to establish what "normal" was.

Did they mean that things were like they were before the accident? Then we were nowhere near normal, and never could be, since Ash didn't even know what that felt like. I wasn't actually sure if I wanted things the go back to the way they'd been, not anymore.

If they just meant that we were friends again, that was somewhat true. We no longer fought, but in some ways, I felt like I was becoming friends with an entirely new person, and to hear Ash talk, we had never stopped being friends; rather, he had been unable to "find" me. And while we were together, not fighting, "normal" wasn't how I would describe my interactions with Ash.

"Awkward" fit so much better...

"Do you wanna, wanna r-ride on my shoulder-shoulder?" Ash stammered out in a voice I could barely hear but with a small hint of alarm running through it, like he was reading off a disaster warning.

It took me a few seconds just to figure out what he wanted, and unfortunately, Ash sometimes only allowed a few seconds before he shut the window of opportunity tight. He'd come a long way, pushed himself quite far, but I was still an uncomfortable mystery to him in many ways.

"Oh, uh, no, um," he babbled with wild arm movements just as I was finally catching up to the request. "No, sorry-sorry, I mean, yeah, why would you want to, right? Why would you want- being stupid, I forget stuff, sorry-" And he took off down the road with a trail of dust kicking up behind him.

I rolled my eyes and tore after him, eventually catching up and jumping onto Ash's shoulder. "Pika!" He froze so instantaneously that we almost fell over. When he had calmed down from the shock a bit, I settled myself in the usual position. "I would love a ride," I stated firmly, "And you can ask whatever you want."

Ash nodded a bit, and walked stiffly back to the house while I resisted the urge to sigh. It was awkward and uncomfortable, for both of us, and made worse by the way Ash's shoulders jerked and twitched. Of course, he couldn't help it, and I wasn't about to jump off and make Ash feel like he'd been correct in whatever line of thinking he had earlier. It worried me, how he sometimes blurted out ideas that I might not respect him or enjoy his company. It was rare, and most of the time he seemed happy and carefree, but there was just enough hesitation and awkwardness that I felt uneasy.

It was amazing that anyone could think we were "back to normal".

But, I had to keep reminding myself, it wouldn't be this way forever. In time, Ash would get used to me being on his shoulder, and the feeling would sync up with the memories he still retained. With enough repetition, it would eventually feel normal and pleasant and pass into his long-term memory, like so many other things had.

Now that I played a more active role in Ash's life, I could see all the routines and habits that had been set out for him to follow, in the hopes that rote memorization would recall his old memories or drive the new ones home. Waking up in the morning followed a strict set of actions, but after all the weeks spent with that routine, Ash had grown more able to handle how his life had changed around him, and seemed to retain more information from day to day. Now, I was part of those routines, and nothing could have made me happier.

Or, so I thought... "Tomorrow, that's tomorrow..." Ash muttered under his breath, and I flicked an ear.

"Pi?" He only flinched a little.

"That, uh... s-surgery, in-in Valencia."

"Viridian," I corrected absently, even though we were speaking two different languages, so it wasn't really going to help Ash beyond letting him know he'd made a mistake.

"Va-valencia..." Honestly, if Ash couldn't realize the difference for himself, I didn't know how any of us could possibly help him. "T-tomorrow, I have to go, to go..." There was a question at the end of his sentence, he was testing me. He wanted me to give him a way out, reaffirm that he didn't have to do anything, no one was forcing him.

It was his choice, but I was afraid that if I gave him the chance, he'd back out of it completely. Ash had been increasingly twitchy on the subject as the days had grown closer. "Pi..." I hummed, and tried to smother the uncomfortable feeling I suddenly felt. I had been feeling troubled often lately, but unable to pinpoint the exact cause, but dwelling on it wouldn't help anything. I did my best to ignore it, and soon we reached the house, where I could smell hamburgers cooking.

Bless Brock; where there were hamburgers, there would be ketchup. Already salivating, I was about to jump off Ash's shoulder and skid into the house, but a sudden thought stopped me. Did I dare...?

Remembering Ash's words,_ "Of course you wouldn't want to,"_ I decided to take a risk. I leaned against him and rubbed his cheek gently with my own, careful not to cause too many sparks.

Ash went stiff as a board, but I was learning to discern between his responses in times of true fear and when he was simply startled. Though he seemed a bit uncomfortable, it didn't appear that I was causing real distress. Of course, since Ash was human, he wouldn't absorb my electricity and feel the warmth and friendship I was trying to send, so I was sure to smile extra large as I ran into the house.

Ketchup was not on the table when I took my seat, and I would have wept if Ash hadn't anticipated my unhappiness and made straight for the refrigerator. He rolled his eyes when he set it down in front of me; of all the things he'd forgotten, my favorite food was something he remembered perfectly.

Misty, however, was not as kind to me. "Sorry Pikachu," she trilled as she snatched up the bottle, "But if I don't get some first, you won't leave any for me!" While this may have been slightly true, I felt that troubled feeling grow stronger as Misty doused her own burger in bright, red ketchup. There was no reason for me to feel that way, and I knew it was stupid and childish. Iris would be laughing at me.

But even though I knew this, even though Ash saw my face and scratched my ears in a gesture of sympathy, I couldn't shake the awful feelings. When misty passed the bottle to Ritchie, and then to Delia, I felt my resentment grow. Around the table, the people were talking about all their human things, topics I didn't always feel connected to but were now especially annoying. The sounds all melded into a irritating buzz that was only inter-cut with Azurill's childish babbling. Sometimes, everyone talked among themselves like I wasn't even there, and while we pokemon often did the same thing around our humans, today it made me feel strange.

Finally, the ketchup bottle was surrendered by Delia and I reached out for it, but before my paws could grip it, Brock snatched it away again, turning from the table and not seeming to realize my distress.

And I broke.

"Pikachu?" It took a few minutes for people to realize I was crying, and even I wasn't entirely sure what was happening, since I really had no reason to be so upset. One by one, the concerned faces turned to me and I began to bawl harder, my cheeks burning in humiliation.

It was just ketchup, wasn't it? Why was I so upset? Why couldn't I stop crying? "What's wrong?" Delia asked me, and her voice was as sweet and kind as ever, which somehow made me feel worse. When she put her hand on my head, I flinched.

"I-I don't k-know!" I hiccuped, and the more everyone tried to express their kindness, the more I felt like sobbing. What was wrong with me?

Like a saving bolt from the sky, two familiar arms wrapped themselves around me and dragged me out of the room, moving briskly out of the kitchen, out the front door and out to a small corner of the garden, where Ash sat against the fence and held me close to his chest.

"...ssseverything alright?" he softly asked, and I couldn't answer in coherent sentences. Everything was fine, and at the same time, everything was so horribly wrong, and I didn't know why. The more Ash held me, the more he stroked my fur, the more I felt that I would never be able to stop the flow of tears.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I kept weeping, wishing I could pull myself together and save a little face. Wishing I could explain any of my feelings. Wishing that Ash didn't have to be out here comforting me when he had enough concerns of his own. But Ash just tightened his grip on me and waited out the storm.

"Just breathe," he told me, "Just breathe. Happens to me all the time, all the time, it'll go away. Breathe..." And I almost choked on my sobbing chuckles, because he was right, and this did happen all the time. Our positions were so often reversed, with Ash breaking down for no reason anybody, even himself, could properly discern, and now I was the one losing control completely.

Was this normal, then? "You're all right," Ash said quietly, as if to answer my unspoken question. "You're all right, I've got you... ju-just breathe..."

So I did. I breathed and cried and breathed and cried some more, and after a time, I began to feel stupid.

"I'm being an idiot, aren't I?" I muttered into Ash's chest. He didn't answer, but smiled encouragingly as I showed my shamed face back at the dinner table. Everyone's kind and concerned questions made me feel like crying again, but more out of embarrassment than anything else, and I was grateful when everybody decided to change the subject and let me be.

Unfortunately, Ash was the new topic of conversation. "Are you nervous about tomorrow, Ash?"

Not the most insightful thing Misty had ever asked, and Ash nearly choked on his hamburger. Nervous didn't even begin to describe how Ash felt about returning to a hospital.

Brock chided Misty for her slip in judgment and they both set about cheering my trainer up again. "Just think of it this way: You'll take a quick nap and when you wake up, you'll be back to normal again!"

There were those words, "back to normal". Ash seemed troubled by something, but he shrugged it off and began focusing on his burger, even as Ritchie continued the conversation. "It's kind of exciting, isn't it? Soon you'll be able to do all the stuff you used to, again!"

"Yeah," Ash mumbled, mouth full of food, but he didn't really sound enthused. In fact, his eyebrows knitted together in a dangerous way, more so when Brock made a stray comment about how Ash would finally be himself again. Silver noticed it along with me, and began trying to change the subject, but it wasn't enough to drag Ash out of whatever funk he had fallen into.

"Would it be bad, would it be bad?" he abruptly asked, interrupting his father's tale about how he and Ritchie had once met a Moltres, "If I stayed like this, like this?"

There was silence at the table. Eventually, Misty dared to field the question. "Well, no, but don't you want to get better?" Ash folded his arms, and I suddenly felt like we were on the edge of a precipice, and the urge to cry was returning.

Ash's eyes flashed, and he came to a decision. "It won't fix this," he said flatly, and pointed to his head. "Still stupid, always be stupid, not gonna change."

"I told you not to use that word," Delia chided from over by the kitchen sink, and though her tone was calm, Ash took offense. He slammed his hands on the table and pushed his chair back, rising to his feet.

"I didn't say it!" he retorted hotly. He smacked the table again, but seemed more frustrated with himself than his mother. "Didn't, didn't say that..."

"Yes, you did, and I don't want you yelling at the table," his mother replied sternly, and Ash grit his teeth at the rebuke.

"We're not trying to upset you, Ash," Brock tried, and Ritchie nodded eagerly.

"Yeah, we just want you to be healthy again. We're your friends, so-"

"No, no, you're not!" Ash suddenly shouted, and everyone looked shell-shocked. For my part, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to talk him down or let him get this out of his system. "You're friends with him, with him, but he's gone, see?" Ash's anger was starting to ebb into helplessness, and I was pretty sure my tears were back. What a horrible day, and it was still only noon... "See? That me, that me's not here any-anymore, he's not coming back, but I..." Ash pulled his hat over his eyes, now crying as well, and that gave everyone a chance to regroup.

Of course, no one could come up with anything to say, not even his parents, so they all shot terrified glances at each other until Ash found his voice again.

"I like you now," he blubbered, "I like you now, don't care about before, just now, I want to be friends, now is all I know, all I know, but you..." he sighed and looked up to meet everyone again, "You don't like me now, always want the old me, now isn't good enough... But I'm not...not going to change..."

"Ash, you know that's not what we think," Delia tried, but Ash just clenched his fists and lowered his head.

"Every time you talk, every time..." he trailed off, and the tension in the room was getting unbearable. I watched Ash tremble, considering this new person I was getting to know who was also so similar to the person I'd always known.

Ash almost jumped out of his skin when he felt my paw on his elbow, but I stayed at that corner of the table and continued to pat his arm. "Breathe," I told him with a sympathetic sigh. "Just breathe."

No one else understood why Ash suddenly collapsed on the floor in a fit of sobbing laughter.

* * *

><p>After the debacle that was lunch, Ash declared he was going to go visit his Pokemon at Professor Oak's laboratory. He'd actually had plans to do so all day, but the declaration seemed to drive in the point that Ash and I desired to be left alone, both far too sensitive to deal with all the concerned questions everyone surely had about our behavior.<p>

We traveled down the road in silence, Ash clutching me tightly in his arms. His grip was a little too tight for my liking, but I couldn't bring myself to say so, and I wasn't entirely sure why he was carrying me at all. Though he was growing more comfortable with me, he wasn't completely at ease yet, but I couldn't claim to have the slightest clue as to Ash's thoughts and motivations these days. Sometimes he was fine, sometimes he wasn't, and nothing was predictable anymore.

Although, given my outburst earlier, Ash probably didn't always understand my behavior, either.

I wanted to tell Ash that I liked him now, just the way he was, but I felt I would be lying if I did so. I was still trying to understand my own feelings. I did love Ash now, and had told him back on that wonderful day that we reconciled that the future was what I was looking towards, not the past. I'd meant it, but I still missed the old days.

He couldn't blame me for that, right? But I couldn't think of any way to reassure him, so we continued on in quiet contemplation until arriving at the corral.

Bulbasaur was eager to see us, and had gathered all the pokemon for some sort of meeting. "All right, now that you two are here," he said authoritatively, "We can get started. Everybody make two circles, an inner one and an outer one..." There was some confusion as Bulbasaur directed everybody into his seating arrangement, the inner circle sitting face to face with the outer circle, and the usual borderline-mutinous banter started up.

"What's going on?"

"What's the point of this?"

"Give me a break, I just wanna play!"

Bulbasaur took it all with uncaring calm. "I think we can all agree our behavior has been abominable," he began, pausing for a second while someone explained to Scraggy what 'abominable' meant. "I'm appalled at the way we've been treating each other. That's not how a team behaves, so I've set up today as a chance for everyone to clear the air..." Even before he launched into the explanation of his activity, there were groans and moans from the populace. I was right there with them, especially since I was the center of most of the recent fights and didn't want any more attention on me.

But Squirtle refused to be my, or anyone's partner in desertion. "Give the old dictator a break, he lost control of his corral," Squirtle muttered, even though I suspected he wasn't especially into this touchy-feely business. "I think all the infighting really scared him... like he thinks the family might break apart or something." Squirtle's tone implied that he thought Bulbasaur was being stupid, but there was something in his delivery that made everyone around him grow quiet, and that attitude spread through the group until we were all obediently sitting in our two circles and waiting for instructions.

"You'll start with the person in front of you," Bulbasaur explained. "Both of you will talk and get whatever's bothering you off your chests. You'll discuss it, apologize and make up, and then hug each other before we all switch and move onto the next person, until everyone has talked with everybody."

"You want me to what?" I heard Charizard mutter, looking apprehensively at Scraggy. Scraggy replied by Headbutting him in the knee.

Charizard wasn't the only one with oppositions, but Bulbasaur held firm. "Yes, the hugging is the most important part. Or the equivalent," he sighed, before Glalie could shout out that he didn't have arms. "Just do it, okay? I don't want us to be like this anymore..."

He didn't have to elaborate. We all felt sympathy for him, and more than a little ashamed at our actions. It had been a hard few months, no one could deny it, but we had all been at fault at one time or another. We settled down and faced our partners, ready to begin.

"So..." Whatever I was about to say to Infernape was interrupted by Ash and Muk on my other side. Muk, it seemed, had decided to forgo talking and just go straight to hugging. Infernape and I laughed for a few seconds at Ash's arms flailing from underneath a mound of goo, then turned to each other, shyly. "Well, I was kind of a jerk to all of you, this past little while," I began, scratching my neck. This wasn't the easiest thing to do, and I could tell Infernape felt uncomfortable, too. "I said a lot of things that I shouldn't have. But you've always been a good friend to me, so I'm sorry that I hurt you and made you worry."

Infernape's face suddenly fell, and I wondered if I might have said something wrong. "A good friend," he mumbled, looking away ruefully, and it was a few seconds of watching Scraggy attempting to hug Charizard's ankle before Infernape cleared his throat and looked me in the eye.

"So, me and Paul..." he said, and inexplicably, I felt my stomach turn. "Things weren't so good, you know, but you were always there for me..." There was shame in Infernape's eyes, and I suddenly knew what this was all about. "Maybe I could have done something for you, but instead, I never did anything..."

"No!" I all but shouted, "No, I mean..." I bit my lip and hoped I would come up with something intelligent to say. "I probably wouldn't have listened anyway..." That was very likely true.

But, "That's not an excuse." Infernape still looked upset with himself. "I should have tried to talk to you, I don't know, maybe you wouldn't have been hurting for so long..."

Maybe... I felt like a weight had lifted, one I didn't even realize was there. "Look... you're you and I'm me," I said, trying to find words to diffuse the tension and sadness, but inside, I was thinking about Infernape's words. Would it have made a difference? Could he have possibly understood? We were different, our experiences had been different, Paul and the Team Rocket boss had been different, but still... "Even now, I can't really talk about it without..." Oh, please, I didn't want to have another crying fit today, and especially not in front of the whole corral... "...well, if you didn't feel comfortable, either, you can't blame yourself for that, right?" Infernape tilted his head as he considered that. "And anyway, you're not responsible for what I do, whatever you think you were supposed to do or not do..." The two of us looked at each other for a long time, fumbling with our words...

...and eventually just gave up on that, launching ourselves at each other with open arms. All the pain and awkwardness and uncertainty vanished in Infernape's warm embrace, and a smile crossed my face.

So, this was what it meant to be "back to normal".

"Bulbasaur's been talking about putting together some kind of support group or something," Infernape said after we broke apart. "You, me, Charizard, Pignite and maybe some others."

"Charizard will never go," I replied instantly, and Infernape laughed at the thought. Neither of us could picture it.

"But we probably should." Could I? Could I ever share these things I felt with someone other than Ash? Could I look at all my friends and talk about the things that had plagued the depths of my heart?

I didn't think I could, but somehow, I felt I wanted to try. "Yeah, we should..."

After that, Bulbasaur called for us to switch partners. "People in the inner circle will move diagonally down and counter clockwise, so now you're in the outer circle, and the outer circle will move up and clockwise..."

"Wait, what?" The level of confusion that occurred in trying to follow Bulbasaur's commands was approaching chaos, and I'm not fully sure Bulbasaur was sure what he meant, either. "Why is this so complicated?"

"Just do it, okay, I have a system!" It took a good ten minutes to get everyone sorted out again. This time I was facing one of the Tauros, whose only offense with me had ever been that I couldn't remember which of the herd he actually was. That slight was always easily soothed, and we were very soon chatting happily as though I hadn't completely gone off the deep end these past few months.

It was nice, I realized and I was grateful to Bulbasaur for having forced these interactions. On a grand scale, I'd felt remorse, but it was entirely different to look every one of my friends in the eye and apologize for the specific ways I'd caused them grief, and to hear the ways each one of them had been thinking of me. I'd always known Bayleef didn't truly blame me for what happened to Ash, but it was another thing to hear the heartfelt apology from her own mouth, and also to hear how worried she'd been when I'd been kidnapped. If Bulbasaur hadn't forced it on all of us, I don't think we'd have had the courage to do it ourselves.

Which is what I told Bulbasaur, when we finally met up. He looked away for a second, then smiled. "I hope you know," he said in a strained voice, "I've always been kind of hard on you, but it's not because I don't like you or anything."

"I know that," I said, and I did, too.

"I'm not jealous, either, of what you have with Ash," he continued. "Just... what we have here, it's really precious to me, you know? Everyone in the lab, and Ash, too. When I see one of us acting like it's not important, I feel I have to say something. Because all of us used to act that way, and it kind of broke us apart for awhile."

I remembered, Squirtle had his loyalty to his gang, Bulbasaur was suspicious of humans and their failings, Charmander had his former trainer and a series of evolutions, and I had been my prickly self. Even Pidgeot and Butterfree, in their own ways, had felt separate. Butterfree had always been close to Ash and myself, but the bigger the group got, the more Butterfree kept to the edges and Pidgeot had always been the quiet, reserved one. Once Charizard evolved, though, it became apparent that we weren't as united as we all needed to be, wanted to be, but by the time we realized that, we were playing catch-up. Our biggest failing at the league wasn't in anyone's individual strengths or weaknesses, but that we weren't truly united. Ties had been built between Bulbasaur and Squrtle, yes, and I'd gotten steadily closer to Ash, and there were other such burgeoning connections, but we didn't come together as a cohesive whole.

Now, we did, even though our numbers had expanded so much that we couldn't possibly all fit on Ash's belt at the same time. Our family had grown, but we were closer in a way that none of us could have anticipated.

Thinking on how I'd turned my back on that camaraderie, I felt a little foolish. "You guys were right beside me the whole time, but I kept pushing you away..."

"Trust me, you weren't the only one at fault," Bulbasaur replied with a wry grin, and he wrapped his vines around me. "Are you okay? Your eyes are really puffy..."

"Ugh, don't ask," I laughed, and soon moved on to the next person.

A couple switches later, and Bulbasaur gave up on his zig-zag circle system. "Whatever, just everyone find someone you haven't talked to yet," he grumbled. The new system worked out much better, though there were a few problems in discerning the differences between all the Tarous. As awkward as that could be, though, I was enjoying the chance to get to know them and talk with them all individually. They always kept together as a herd identity, and I'd never had the time to really interact with them like this.

Eventually, I came up to Kingler, who posed an interesting question to me. "How do you talk to Ash?"

I wasn't sure how to answer at first. "Uh, the same way you do, I guess..."

"No, I mean," he shook his head with a sigh, "Ash really seems to understand what you're saying. Not just in training, but at other times, too. What do you do differently?" Kingler's pincers snapped together curiously, "I don't always feel like I get through to him..."

I couldn't help but feel a little guilty, since part of that communication was built on time, and I had spent more time with Ash than any of the other pokemon. And because of all that time we'd spent traveling together, Kingler's words struck me in an odd way, jarring me back to the reality that there was a language barrier between all of us and Ash. We could understand him perfectly, but he was speaking another language entirely.

"Well, honestly, sometimes it's like talking to a brick wall," I confessed to Kingler, who snorted. "It really comes and goes, sometimes we can have a perfect conversation and other times he'll just stare at me like I evolved another head..." Kingler laughed with me, knowing so perfectly how frustrating it could be to try to explain to Ash that we had seen Team Rocket in the woods, or that Oshawott and Glalie were breaking into his backpack to steal all the cookies, only to be met with blank confusion.

But, I remembered a conversation I'd overheard between Cilan and Professor Juniper. "It's like he understands our hearts," I reiterated. "The hearts of Pokemon, and how we feel. I think that's what he really understands." Kingler thought about that, and nodded. "When I focus on communicating feelings, he seems to understand me better than just words and facts..."

"I see..." I hoped that would help, since I knew full well how frustrating it could be to think that there was a wall between oneself and Ash. "Sometimes, I'm jealous of you two, I guess."

I blinked. "Really? Sometimes, I'm jealous of you! You get to see everybody ever single day! I mean, Ash is great," I gestured over my shoulder, at the boy who was currently getting mauled by an over-enthusiastic Corphish, "But I miss all of you, too. No matter where I go, I'm missing somebody."

"I guess that's true." For all of us, whether we were at the lab, off training with Ash or somewhere else entirely, to go one place would be to leave somebody behind.

For my part, Ash was the friend I couldn't bear to part with, but the trade-off was that I rarely saw my other friends as much as I liked. Even though it was silly, I was always a little afraid that the friends I made in one region would start to grow apart from me in my absence.

But being able to have these serious talks with Kingler and the others made me realize that I had nothing to worry about.

Eventually, I found myself face to face with Ash. His hat had disappeared, probably having been absorbed into Muk, and while he was a bit disheveled from hugging and playing with everyone, his grin stretched from ear to ear. As Ash and I had already settled our disagreements, I hadn't expected we would have much to talk about, but I should have known that nothing was ever expected when it came to Ash.

His grin faded into a smaller smile, and there was a deep sadness in his eyes. "I'm sorry," he told me, voice serious and knowing, "I'm sorry, th-that I took your best friend a-away..." I couldn't tear myself away from his eyes.

It wasn't that I hadn't had those thoughts before. It wasn't that I didn't wish Ash could be healthy and hale with perfect memory of all we'd done. But to hear him say it out loud, to hear him acknowledge that... It surprised me, in a bittersweet sort of way.

"Moron," I muttered with affection, bursting into tears yet another time. What a day. "Why would you think that?" He didn't answer right away, so I kept repeating my question until I got a response.

"...Isn't-Isn't it true...?"

Sometimes I almost wished to evolve, just so I'd finally have the arms to hug him. "Moron," I repeated. "If I told you you're perfect just the way you are, you wouldn't even believe me, would you? Because it's a lie, you're not perfect at all! And you never were, not even close!"

Ash just averted his eyes, neck disappearing into his shoulders in his insecurity.

"But I don't care..." How could I make him understand that? Even the word "love" didn't scratch the surface of what I felt, and I didn't have Ash's gift for wearing my whole heart on my sleeve. "If you feel differently or move differently or forget things, that doesn't matter, I don't want anyone but you."

"...but I'm not the same, not the same..."

"How do you know?" I challenged back, and that stumped him for a second. "Whenever I'm lost, aren't you the one that comes and finds me? Whenever there's a challenge in front of you, aren't you the one who finds a way to beat it? Aren't you the one who thinks up impossible things and makes them happen? Because that's the person I see right now and that's who I've been following forever and I don't want anyone else!"

"..." My trainer seemed at a loss for words, but slowly, a full smile grew across his face and he extended his arms. I launched myself at Ash and smiled when his arms instantly curled around me.

I could never lie, and say I didn't remember the past, or didn't miss the boy who used to remember it with me. I couldn't deny that his personality was different in subtle ways, either from the head trauma, the absence of memories, or all the new experiences he'd gained. And I could never pretend that everything about Ash or this situation was perfect the way it was, because it was not.

But, oh, how I loved him, anyway! How I had always loved him and his whole fractured, beautiful world...

* * *

><p>Possibly inspired by Bulbasaur, Ash determined that he had one more reconciliation of his own to make before heading off to Viridian City. And so, just as the sun was beginning to set, we found ourselves knocking on Gary Oak's door.<p>

It was his sister who answered, Daisy May. "Ash! I haven't seen you for ages! You've gotten so much taller!" My trainer blushed a deep red and pulled his hat down to hide his eyes, while I just laughed at him. "And you must be Pikachu! I've heard a lot about you!" She reached out to scratch behind my ears with a practiced touch before inviting us inside.

She was a lot like Gary, with light brown hair and an air of perfect confidence around her, but she lacked Gary's abrasiveness. Or, so it seemed. "Gary!" When she spoke to her brother, there was a tone present that reminded me of_ our_ May dealing with Max. Despite initial appearances, the two apples had indeed fallen from the same tree. "Gary! Get down here, will you! Ash is here!" she called out, ushering us in to the living room.

"You don't have to shout," came the familiar reply, followed by footsteps on the stairs.

"You guys want some tea?" Daisy May grinned at me. "Ash knows I make the best tea in the region."

"Yeah, thanks, May." Gary entered the room, and I was happy to see some of his old color back in his cheeks. He still seemed a little thin, now that I was inspecting him, but much better than he'd been the last time I'd seen him.

I confirmed this with Umbreon, who nearly exploded with relief. "I think so too!" it expressed gratefully. "I was so worried, really, he was scaring me! I'd never seen him act like that before."

But now, as far as we could tell, Gary was back to his old self, if a little subdued. Ash took a deep breath and then got down to the business he came here for.

"I wanted to apol'gize, apol'gize," he nervously said. "I said some stuff, said... and I think I hit you, hit you so I'm sorry-sorry..." Gary blinked in surprise.

"But, Ash, that was weeks ago!" Now, Ash was the surprised one.

"Oh..." His face fell, "Then... then I'm _really _sorry..."

"You apologized a long time ago, we made up." Gary waved it away. "Don't worry about it."

But Ash, it seemed, had come for more than that. "...I don't like us fighting, us fighting..." he said sadly, and though Gary concurred, he looked a bit confused.

"I don't either. But that was a long time ago." Ash was not convinced.

"What did I do, that always made you mad, made you mad?" he asked, clenching his fists a little. "You said Molly, right? I think you said that, I wrote that down, but that was one day, so..."

"Why does everything have to be your fault?" Gary cut in, a bit exasperated. "Maybe I'm a jerk, why don't we just leave it at that?" Ash began to frown, and Gary's expression mirrored it. "Seriously, why do you think it's your fault?"

There were a few seconds of quiet before Ash answered, and I leaned in, also terribly interested in the result.

"Everyone always leaves..." Ash all but whispered. "I remember, remember thinking that, everyone always leaves, no one ever wants to stay... except him..." He turned his face down to look at me, and corrected himself with a smile. "Except_ you_..." Gary crossed his arms as he thought about that.

"Some people would say you're the one who's always leaving."

"Yeah... I guess..." Both boys fell silent as Gary's sister came in with the tea. She muttered something about boys and their secrets before heading off to another room, and once she was out of earshot, the conversation started up again. "We wanted to travel together... I remember, before, we said that once... but we didn't, did we?" Gary looked away, maybe ashamed or regretful, but it was hard to tell. "Is that because I left?"

"It wasn't just you," Gary muttered.

"You were alone, back then, and so I promised..." Ash frowned to himself and pulled me closer to him. "Because you were lonely, after-after your mom and dad... you know, after-but then I promised to... but then I left, I left you alone-"

"I don't really want to talk about this anymore," Gary interrupted, and Ash nodded.

Both boys relaxed and moved on with the conversation. "I'm the one who leaves," Ash explained, "And no one follows me, follows me. If that happened, happened before, wh-what's different now, different now? Because, because I'm broken now..." He stopped there, and Gary knit his brows.

"And that's why everything's your fault?" he concluded. But when Ash nodded, Gary started to laugh. Rather loudly, in fact, for a moment I wondered if we should be worried about him.

"I used to feel the same way!" Gary said between peals of laughter, which eventually died down to chuckles that made him look less like a crazy person. "Exactly the same, I used to feel like that all the time! Well," he sobered up a little, laughter more rueful now, "Maybe 'used to' isn't the right phrase..."

Ash was as surprised as he was intrigued. "Not, not just me?"

"Definitely not just you," Gary laughed back. Umbreon jumped up into his lap, correctly sensing Gary's feelings, and the boy's arms immediately curled around his friend. "Everyone around me kept reaching higher and higher heights, or just... disappearing," he shook his head to clear whatever painful memories had resurfaced. "So, I kept trying to be the best. That way, people would have a reason not to get too far away. If I was a Pokemon Master, at least you would always have to look up to me..."

Outside, the sun was still in the midst of setting, the blue sky blending with the red tones, going from a harsh contrast to a deep indigo sky. In time, all the colors would wash together into one night, punctuated by glittering stars. Sitting here was peaceful, watching the sunset as a bunch of old friends, instead of warring parties. "I-I miss being friends, being friends with you. I'm sorry I got so comp-compet'tive, so comp-p-."

"You weren't the only one," Gary saved Ash from the words he was stumbling over. "But we _are_ friends, Ash. Even if you forget, that doesn't change."

It was with smiles that the two parted ways, but Gary lingered in the doorway long after Ash and I had set off for home, and he eventually called out to us.

"Ash!"

When Ash turned around, Gary's smile had disappeared. "I... I was really scared, back when you..." he made some odd gestures with his hands and I wasn't really sure what that was supposed to convey, "When you weren't yourself... And the accident in Unova, that really scared me, too." This confession of Gary's seemed to be taking a lot of courage, so Ash held himself back, even though I could see that he wanted to give some sort of reply.

"If you're not here, you know, the world feels like a different place," Gary said, still skirting around his real topic. "I mean, we're both on separate journey's and all, but we always come back here, right?"

"Right," Ash confirmed, while Umbreon and I gave each other looks. I doubted any of us really knew what Gary was talking about.

"I like traveling by myself, but that's not the same as being alone..." Maybe even Gary didn't really know what he was talking about? His topics were jumping around so much... "Being alone is when you realize that no one's following you, they're always leaving, and no matter how many times you come home, they're never going to be there waiting for you." Gary looked away for a second, shielding his eyes. "If everyone keeps leaving like this, pretty soon I won't have anyone left..." When he lifted his head again, his eyes were sparkling and serious. "If you don't come back, I'll never forgive you."

The two boys stood in the twilight, illuminated mostly by the lights of the Oak's house. "I mean it, Ash. I will never forgive you if you leave me here."

At first, Ash was startled and surprised. But, slowly, his smile began to spread across his face.

"I'll be back," he assured Gary, "I'll be back, I promise." And with that, Gary's good humor returned.

"You'd better." The discussion ended, the door closed, and Ash and I walked back to the house in silence.

The fact that Ash had very little control over the outcome of tomorrow's procedure was ignored. The fact that if Ash left us, I was going to be much more of a mess than Gary _couldn't_ be ignored, but I tried my best to do so. But the fact that Ash meant so much to someone, just as he was, even with all his current misfortunes, I could see that meant a lot to Ash. I'm sure it could have happened without the accident or ailments, but for Ash to learn just how much he had in common with Gary and how deep their friendship ran underneath the layers of rivalry somehow made me think all the previous tragedy was a minor pain.

And I strongly suspected Ash felt as I did, for when we arrived home, he immediately made up with Brock, Misty and Ritchie. They weren't able to express themselves in the words Ash wanted to hear, not understanding why things like "back to normal" and "the way you used to be" made him feel inadequate, but he seemed to take their sentiments the way they were meant, and all offenses were left forgotten.

Just as it was reassuring to know that Ash knew how I felt, even when it didn't always make sense to me, it was probably reassuring for Ash to know that Gary knew how he felt. And knowing there was at least one person out there who understood made it so much easier to tackle the rest of the world.

It had been a long day, full of crying and serious discussions, and tomorrow would be even more daunting, but I went to bed with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.

* * *

><p>Getting up the next morning was hard. Getting Ash out the door was even harder. Even though he refused to admit it, I could tell that he was terrified by the thought of what awaited us in Viridian. Now that the day had finally come, now that it was no longer an abstract promise, Ash was having doubts.<p>

But he followed obediently and gave no resistance, so I could only stay close and hope for the best.

There was one moment, before we got into the car, where Ash told me to stay behind. "Might be better if you didn't go, didn't go..."

"You don't want me there?" I was hurt, but I wasn't the one who was going to be put under and sliced open, so I was prepared to go along with Ash's wishes.

Luckily, I had misunderstood, and Ash waved his arms wildly. "No, not-that's not it!" he insisted. "Just you... you sometimes..." he lowered his voice a little, even though there was no one in earshot, "...want to hurt, you, sometimes you want to be hurt... because you feel bad, and if you go, if you go, you can feel bad again, and don't... I don't want that..." Ash seemed embarrassed on my behalf, which was completely unnecessary.

I had enough embarrassment of my own. "It's not like that now," I muttered, but felt uneasy nonetheless. I knew Ash had forgiven me, and was trying to put the guilt behind me, but I couldn't just casually act like it didn't matter, could I?

Ash eyed me carefully and bit his lip. "It's not your fault, your fault. Because I loved you, and I made decisions, made decisions and accidents happen, too, um... don't feel like, like you did something wr-wrong..."

It felt callous to reply "I don't," so I settled for "I'm okay now," and thankfully, Ash understood what I meant.

He picked me up and held me at his eye level. "Stay okay," he instructed sternly, before hugging me close. "Need you, I need you."

That did more for me than he'd ever know.

The drive up was mostly quiet and tense, but also hopeful. Ash might have had reservations, but the rest of us were almost buzzing with great expectations. Worry, too, there was no point in denying there were some risks, but the chance for Ash to be healthy again, or to halt further degeneration was such a gift.

Between everyone's excitement and trepidation, the tension was high when we arrived at the hospital. Silver managed to get himself evicted twice before we even finished checking in. Delia scolded him over it, but it seemed to distract Ash from what we were here to do. Whether that was Silver's design or not remained a mystery, though.

But once we met with the doctor and nursing staff and started preparing for the procedure, things became too real. Ash kept nodding and answering "fine" to all questions put to him, but his voice grew increasingly more faint. Finally, our boy saw an opening and when everyone's gaze turned away for a fraction of a second, he whirled around and bolted down the hall.

And he made it pretty far, too, having taken even the hospital staff by surprise. "Nothing like a runner on a Saturday morning, eh?" One of the nurses joked to the other before alerting the rest of the floor to the incident, and the humans, Audino and I tore off after my trainer.

We were nearly a parade at first, but eventually we had to split up and check down different hallways. Frankly, I was a little surprised that Ash had been so successful at escaping without attracting more notice from the hospital staff, but before too long, one of the Audino stopped by the door to the stairwell. "I think I hear him..."

"Wait!" I begged, "Give me a few minutes with him?" I thought if I could talk with Ash, he might come back on his own, which would be preferable to having to drag the poor boy back into this. I didn't think Audino was going to agree at first, but she eventually pursed her lips and nodded, and pretended to look in another area while I slipped into the stairwell.

I found Ash behind the door, leaning against the wall and breathing heavily. He winced when he saw me, "I can't do it, Pi-Pikach-I'm sorry."

"Calm down," I sighed, and tried to pretend none of this was a big deal. "What's wrong?"

Ash ignored my question. "We don't have to, don't want to, let's just go, just go."

"Go?" Giving up?

"To the Pokemon League, Pokemon League!" He was completely determined. "I have badges, right, right? Let's just go, why, why wait? This is a waste of time, waste of time." When I looked hesitant, (and for good reason!), Ash frowned. "My decision, right? You said I didn't have to, said I didn't have to, so let's go!"

"Wait!" But he was undeterred.

"Come on, let's go traveling like we used to, like we used to. We'll go to the, to the Pokemon League, and battle, battle, won't that be fun? Won't that be fun?"

Curse him, for making it sound so tempting. But someone had to be the voice of reason. "We can't do that now."

Ash growled, clenching his fists. "Think I can't do it, that's it? Everyone says that, says that, loser, can't win, can't do anything, broken, but you're different, I thought you were different." He was yanking at my heartstrings, and I wanted to slap him for it. "But, but I can do this!"

"No," I said through grit teeth, and oh, how I hated to be put in this position. "You can't. I'm sorry, but not right now."

"Thought we were friends." Ash's eyes grew dark, but I refused to flinch. "You said I was fine, fine, like this, we were a team."

"Pikapi..." It broke my heart to have to say it, to be the one to tell Ash he _couldn't_ do something, but, "You know you can't do this now..."

"I can! Can, don't need you! Stay here, stay here, fine!" He was angry and frustrated, but so was I.

"Do you even know the way to the Pokemon League?" I challenged, "Do you know the city, can you even say the name of the place you're going to? What about asking for directions, huh, how do you think that's going to go?" My tone was harsh, but even as Ash froze, I wouldn't relent. "You didn't exactly pack for this, you know. How far down the road do you think you'll make it before you're shaking so hard you can't _walk?_ What if you wake up all alone, and can't remember where you are? That's going to be a party!"

"I'll be fine, "Ash denied, but the truth was starting to sink in.

"Do you even know what Pokemon you have?" I said, doing my best not to make it sound like a taunt, "Their attacks? Can you read your Pokedex and say all the words right? Do you..." I trailed off, watching all of Ash's bravado crumble under the truth. We didn't need to go further.

He leaned against the wall, and slowly sank down to the floor. "You can do a lot of impossible things," I said kindly, "But you can't do this, not right now."

"...What do I do?" Ash asked in a voice so broken that my frustrations melted away. "I don't know what to do, to do..." And he began to sob.

"Breathe," I ordered, patting his leg. "I've got you, just breathe." And when Ash got a handle on that, "What's really going on?"

It took a few more calming breaths before Ash could tell me. "I'm scared..." That came as no surprise. "What if I get lost again, get lost again, in the dark place? What if I don't come back, come back?"

"Nothing bad is going to happen to you," I said in a voice that hid all my own fears involving Ash, hospitals and being unconscious. "Like falling asleep, you wake up every morning just fine, don't you?"

"No, not like that," Ash insisted, trembling. "I remember, I had to go there again, and you let go, but I got lost, so I was stuck and alone, c-couldn't, couldn't, but-but, missed you, miss-missed-missyouloveyougoodbye, nothing!"

"Okay, calm down," I said, jumping onto his knees. "It's okay, you're safe, calm down..." It took some time for Ash to be able to manage that, but after some deep breaths and few seconds to compose himself, I felt brave enough to try again. "Talk to me. We're just talking now, nothing can hurt you."

Ash nodded, but his hands wouldn't stop fiddling with the hem of his shirt, or his jeans, or anything else withing arms length he could crumple and stretch. "Got lost...Didn't... the place, was wrong, that place, didn't go to the right place..."

"What do you mean?" Already, this was sounding ominous.

"Our friends... we saw... what they saw, they left, and-and it was sad, but the place, the place they went was happy, it was happy, they were okay, but when I..." I had a horrible sinking feeling, and if I was right, I was such a hypocrite for ever telling him his fears were unjustified illusions. "Got lost, wasn't even like the other time, this time, wasn't okay, wasn't happy, it was dark-dark and alone and scared, you let go of my hand, let go, in the end, you let go..."

Ash mistook my horror for something else. "No-not your fault, know that, not that!" he insisted, "Tried so hard, but couldn't... couldn't keep me..." His hands were trying to tie his T-shirt into knots. "...stuck, disappearing, but-but couldn't tell you I was... I was scared, but I said... didn't even finish, not enough time, can't let you see how scared-scared I was, but couldn't even say... But, um, hand, my hand... you had it, but um, wanted to, couldn't save me, knew that, but I... then you let go, let go... and I got lost..."

And I was trying to tell him to go back and let the doctors cut open his head? I sat back on my haunches, just resting on Ash's knees while I tried to come up with some sort of response. An appropriate, intuitive response for someone who remembered what it was like to die and was afraid to face it again. I couldn't come up with anything, but I was suddenly filled with gratitude for all the times Ash had taken on Team Rocket's mechs with his bare hands, among other heroics.

"Of all things..." I finally said, "This is what you decided to remember?" Ash choked on a laugh, releasing some tears as he did so.

"Know, right?" he giggled in a way that broke my heart. "Stupid, right?"

"No..." I patted his knee for a second, and then jumped into his lap, where his arms immediately enveloped me. I hoped it was comforting for him, because as much as I sometimes wished to be bigger, I would never grow tall enough to be able to wrap him up in a hug like this.

And he looked like he could use someone bigger and stronger to hold him close and tell him the world wasn't really a thing to be afraid of. "If I got lost... if I got lost, alone, and dark... and you, what about you, and the others-the others? ...I-I'll be... but you'll be scared, too, and alone, I'll never see you, be scared all the time, and you, you, too... but, can't do anything, I'm lost..."

"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine," I lied, and Ash just snorted at that. I could deny it all I wanted, but he wasn't completely dense. Nice lies were all I could think of to say, though...

What would Ash have done, if this was all the other way around? Would he have fallen apart the way I did, or have felt betrayed or angry? What would he say to comfort me now? In the past, Ash had always been so careful to take the danger upon himself and shield everyone else from it, but what if he came up against something he couldn't prevent?

"...The doctors here, they're really good. So, you're not going to get lost," I told Ash with all the authority I could muster. "They're the best, and they're going to take good care of you." I pulled out of his arms to look him in they eye, and took a deep breath for courage.

"But if something bad happens..." I continued in a serious tone. "Then, you leave everything to me. I'll take care of all the others, and make sure everyone's okay. And after that, I'll start looking for you." Ash's eyes widened, but I continued on before he interrupted me. "I'll go to Mew, to Darkrai and even Arceus if I have to, until I know where you are and if you're all right. And if I find you and you're stuck in someplace dark, and you're scared and alone..." I think Ash was holding his breath, and as for me, I wasn't sure my heart was still beating properly. It was far too loud, almost louder than my own voice.

"... then I'll stay there with you. So you won't be afraid."

Ash almost suffocated me when he lunged forward and pulled me into a hug, and then the boy nearly drowned me in his tears, but I tried to stay calm. I tried to ignore the voice in my head screaming 'Do you realize what you're saying? Are you insane? You can't actually promise any of that!' and just snuggled deeper into Ash's chest. "Don't worry, I'll take care of everything. I'm Team Captain, right? I'll handle the important stuff and you just focus on getting healthy."

"Promise?" I heard Ash whisper, and I nodded for both our sakes.

"Promise. I've got this, don't worry." Today, I would prove that Ash wasn't the only one capable of impossible things.

* * *

><p>Of course, as soon as we returned and the surgery got underway, all my doubts came back. Ash seemed fine, "I'm sorry, I was scared for awhile, awhile, but now I'm fine, sorry," and if he felt anything more than the expected nervousness, he kept it hidden. I did my best to keep up a brave face through all the explanations, discussions and preparations, promising Ash that I would take care of things whatever the outcome, even if my heart was screaming inside.<p>

But once Ash disappeared behind the surgery doors, all bets were off.

"Pikachu, if you don't calm down, they'll evict you just like Silver." Delia's tone wasn't harsh, but it brought me back to reality. In fact, Silver had been kicked out of the building _again_, something that was apparently a usual occurrence for him, and though he always seemed to worm his way back inside, I had no desire to join him. If Ash woke up, I had to be here. If something went wrong, I had to know right away and if the worst happened...

"Come on, sit here," Delia petitioned in her cheery voice, and patted her lap. I hopped up and let her pet me, and did my best to focus on those soothing actions, rather than how similar this hospital was to the one in Unova.

I suddenly became afraid that Ash might lose his memories a second time.

There was no reason to think that, not really. It was completely irrational to look for things to scare myself with, when I had enough legitimate worries in front of me. But even when I tried to dismiss it, the thought gnawed at me. Ash might wake up and be frightened of me, just like before, and then we'd go through the whole, painful cycle again...

I grit my teeth. I promised to handle things, and I would. If that happened again, then I would do my best to give Ash what he needed to recover. I would do whatever I had to do, wait however long I had to wait, endure whatever needed enduring until he found me again.

If he woke from his surgery and nothing changed, I would deal with it. If he never woke at all, I would deal with it. I couldn't fall apart like last time, not after I had promised so faithfully to take care of him and all our friends. I told Ash he had nothing to worry about, and that included me.

All the same, I found myself praying inside my head, _Don't give up, don't stop fighting, don't leave me here..._

I alternated those supplications with the never-ending mantra, _Whatever happens, I will deal with it. I will be okay, I will make sure everyone is okay, I will make sure Ash is okay, I will handle it. I can handle it._

Three hours later, I began to actually believe I could.

One hour after that, I knew I'd never be able to handle anything beyond breathing, and even that was getting shaky.

Two hours beyond that, I felt it didn't matter whether or not I could do anything, because I'd promised to, and if I promised Ash I'd do something, somehow, I'd get it done.

Half an hour later, we were allowed to see Ash, and all my thoughts of the previous hours disintegrated.

Alive. Alive. Breathing, talking, seeing, making miracles, my human boy was alive.

This wasn't necessarily the end. There was still the question of whether or not the procedure had the desired effect, there were still tests, and maybe more procedures and Arcues knew what else, but Ash had made it through, so there was only one question that still plagued me.

Did he still remember me?

When I entered the room, I caught his tired eyes and realized I'd been stupid to worry. I hopped up onto his bed and he ran his hand along my back, tubes stuck in his arms and hair shaved off and paler than he had any right to be, but my friend was alive.

Finally, I felt the nightmare we'd lived through was drawing to a close.

* * *

><p><strong>Almost done, guys! Just a few more threads to wrap up at the Pokemon League! Hang in there!<strong>


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20: My whole life has led to this, It's time to test my skill...

* * *

><p>I watched Ash run across the field and vault over the fence to streak across the corral. At first, I'd intended to follow him, but then, I got the idea that I might like to just sit on the fence and watch him play. His stride were strong, his steps light and swift, and certainly, I was glad to kick back and observe when he sprinted up to Buizel and Totodile, sweeping them up in each of his arms and propelling them into the pond before they even realized he was there. There was a glorious splash as all three hit the water, and I got to watch that magical moment as everything settled, when all our friends realized what had just happened.<p>

Ash was back home. Ash was healthy.

I could only stay away for so long once the celebration started, and ran up to the crowd to join in the happy games. "Everything's fine, then? He's back for good now, right?" people kept asking me, and I just smiled. Ash's fingers might tremble from time to time or he'd occasionally appear to be restless or shivering slightly despite the hot weather. The boy would probably be on medication for the rest of his life, but, still!

"Just look at him." Our Ash was running and bounding, easily and freely, with no pain or encumbrances. He was, as they'd put it, 'back for good'.

And so, we spent most of our day playing, making up for lost time. We had a water war over by the pond, we had a rodeo with Tauros, we tried our best at playing a game of Boccer which eventually devolved into an undefinable field game with extremely lax rules. We had handstand contests, we played charades, tag, and a couple innings of baseball where Ash out-pitched every single one of us.

It was glorious. A perfect day, where everything was fun and absolutely nothing was broken. I couldn't even imagine back all the horrible feelings of the past few months, they had been washed up into the perfect present. I sat back against the fence with all my friends and waited eagerly for the winners of the speed race, an apparent welcoming ritual between the bird pokemon that had been forgotten amidst all the drama.

But now, life was good, and it was time to finally induct Pidgeot and Tranquill into the flock. On the horizon, I could make out silhouettes, but I couldn't tell who was in the lead, even as the shadows sped towards us. Several of our human friends had come over to watch as well, marveling to themselves at the speeds the pokemon were achieving.

Gary and Tracey, in particular, were stunned when the four finalists swept across the finish line in a blur of color, too swift for even a photo finish. Staraptor, Swellow, Pidgeot and Tranquill had merged in the sight of our untrained eyes, and a winner was absolutely impossible for an outside party to determine. It was only a code of honor that told us the victor had been Pidgeot, though by a very slight margin and Swellow was sure that it would be different next time, we could have a rematch right now if Pidgeot wasn't scared. We all jumped in to talk that idea down, knowing that Swellow would keep on racing until it passed out if we let it. It took some convincing, but we eventually got Swellow to calm down and wait patiently for Noctowl to finish the race.

A few minutes later, Noctowl crossed the finish line with everyone's claps and cheers, definitively in last place as was apparently always the case. But Noctowl didn't seem at all embarrassed by the difference in speed, and was pleased when Staraptor praised it for improving it's time.

"I hadn't realized they'd gotten so fast," Tracey marveled, with Gary nodding next to him.

"Yeah, there are just some things a Pokedex can't record..." He smirked over at Ash. "I dunno, Ashy-boy, think you can handle these speedsters in a League match?" If it had been anyone but Gary, Ash probably would have been hurt by that statement. As it was, I still don't think he appreciated his rival taunting him, but an understanding had passed between them that some of Gary's jibes were more affectionate than insult, and Ash would not take them personally. It was a language only understood by the two of them, however, and I didn't yet dare take the liberties Gary did in teasing Ash.

But that was fine, because trust had to be earned over time, and Gary had a lot more years logged than I in that arena. Ash had granted me his trust in other areas, and little things like teasing and playful banter would evolve in time, just as they had before. Finally, after so many ups and downs, I could see a future with Ash that was full of adventure, where our friendship would only grow closer.

In response to Gary, Ash pulled out his pokedex. "They'll be fine, be fine," he replied, ignoring the original question of whether or not _he_ would be fine. "Know lots of good attacks, good attacks."

"Yeah, but that thing doesn't know the half of what we can do," Squirtle said with a toss of his head, and Bulbasaur agreed.

"We've got lots of tricks outside of our main attacks."

"Our awesomeness can't be contained by a Pokedex!" Gligar cried, and Ash looked intrigued.

"Like what?" he asked, and that invitation was all we needed...

"Infernape, would you please demonstrate Counter Shield?" Infernape did so, and we proudly basked in Ash's complete awe, despite the fact that he himself had invented this move and taught it to all of us. "And Bulbasaur, didn't you manage to teach yourself Dig?"

"Oh, yeah!" The were some scattered shouts and cheers, as many of the corral Pokemon had seen this trick before, and the rest of us just leaned in to get a good look, since no one had ever heard of a Bulbasaur using Dig before.

"The Professor does always say that when in need, Pokemon will call on powers they didn't even know they had," Tracey mused, while Squirtle whipped his black sunglasses out of his shell.

"You've seen a flower tunneling underground, but now you're gonna watch a turtle fly!" And he retreated into his shell to launch Hydro Pump, timing the attack perfectly so Squirtle went spinning and careening through the air, propelled by jets of water.

Bayleef was not to be ignored, however. "You're not the only one who can attack from the sky!" she declared, using her Vine Whip to perform her jumping trick. It was impressive, and she'd clearly been practicing, as the height she achieved was over twice what it was when I'd last seen her. Snivy smirked at the sight, and decided to show off her new Leaf Storm turned Flamethrower trick.

As if our trainer wasn't impressed enough, Charizard decided to get in on the action, grabbing Buizel with a wink and taking to the sky. "Aerial Submission!"

Buizel's eyes doubled in size. "Wait! What? No!" He squirmed, but once he realized there was no getting out of it, he shouted back down to the corral. "Glalie, help!"

Glalie giggled and shot out an Ice Beam, which combined with Buizel's Aqua Jet, and the resulting Ice Aqua Jet move prevented Buizel from being slammed into the ground by Charizard.

After the explosion cleared, Charizard winked again at a glaring Buizel. "Oh, come on, I knew you would get out of it."

"Sure, you did..."

I sensed the hush that was coming over the humans, and was eager to demonstrate some of my own special skills. "Hey, Swellow!" Knowing what I had planned, Swellow let out a whoop and sped towards me, and I jumped onto it's back. Allowing for a little bit of theatricality, I bowed to the people we were leaving behind on the earth. "And now, the _pièce de la résistance_ !" Swellow looked back and we shared a quick look, both nodding to show that we were ready...

"Pika-CHUUU!" Honestly, I had no idea how Thunder Armor worked. In fact, it shouldn't have worked at all, after using such a high-powered electric attack on myself and Swellow, one of us should have fainted. Even now, I felt all my energy depleting and turning on myself in a way that was so unnatural, and I could only imagine what Swellow, a flying type, was feeling.

But, experience had taught us that Swellow had a ridiculously high threshold when it came to fainting, enough that Ash had to keep a close eye on it in battles to prevent serious injuries, and Swellow's tolerance to my electric attacks was also unusually developed. If we kept pushing at this, hanging on for long enough...

...something would snap. Something changed, a switch flipped on, or off, maybe something broke, but just as before, we felt that perfect, euphoric second when my electricity stopped being an attack on us but became a source of strength. Wrapped in gold, suddenly faster and stronger and bathed in shining protection, we proudly debuted Thunder Armor for the people below.

Gasps and shrieks and wonderings were below us, and Swellow sped through the sky with cackling laughter. "That's right, mortals! Let's see any of you top this!"

No one dared to, though I knew our group had even more tricks up their sleeves and a few of them were probably just as powerful and flashy as Thunder Armor. But no one stepped up to rain on our parade, and since it was so rare that I was able to use my electric attacks and be proud of them, let alone have someone trust me enough to let me attack them directly, I didn't do anything to detract from my moment. Whether it was anyone's design or not, I was grateful to Swellow and the others for letting me go full out in an attack and for allowing me to shine.

But eventually, we did have to come down, and Swellow and I broke apart and tumbled to the dirt, tired and giggling. We high-fived each other while Gary's face slowly began to thaw from it's frozen horror.

"Ketchum, what have you done to your pokemon?" Ash was silent, probably due to the glory of electricity I had just unleashed, but he finally just shrugged.

"Don't ask me..."

But aside from playing, Ash had set other plans for the day, having promised all of us that we would be training for the Pokemon League upon his return. We only had a few weeks to prepare, and Ash had been worried that it wouldn't be enough time. I hoped that after seeing us display some of our more impressive attacks and tricks, he'd be feeling a bit more confident. "Before we start training, I need to see the Professor, I need to see the Professor," Ash said. "I want to talk about stuff, and then May's making tea..." While he was talking, I hopped up beside him on the fence, and Ash reached out to pet me. The action was awkward and his hand was trembling and hesitant, so I knew without him having to say it that Thunder Armor had frightened him. But, again, without him saying anything, I knew that the physical gesture was his way of telling me it was okay. He didn't begrudge me any aspects of myself.

So I wouldn't begrudge him his fears and weaknesses. "May said she'd give..." Misty's face had darkened at the mention of Gary's sister, though Ash didn't notice, too busy trying to recall the words he needed to describe his message. "Said... rubbing, um, that thing..." He held out his hands and mimed giving a massage, instantly gaining the attention of all the Pokemon. "Said she'd give one to you guys, you guys, whoever wants one..." Everyone wanted a massage; Daisy May was a skilled and celebrated breeder, and since Brock had stopped his breeder studies, such opportunities were rare.

"There's no need to rush though," Tracey interjected, when it looked like the entire corral was ready to mow down the fence and head for the lab. "The Professor is busy with research, he said he didn't want to be disturbed for a while."

"Yeah, May's not coming up to the lab for another hour." With those words from Tracey and Gary, we decided we might as well play a bit longer, though I opted to just sit by the fence with the people and watch for a bit, as Thunder Armor had tired me out. Swellow, too, was close to passing out, and had moved to the shade of a tree to rest near Sceptile.

"What's he working on, I wonder?" Brock asked, and Ash shrugged.

"Silver's pokemon, he's checking the... differences, same pokemon, different things..." Ash wasn't explaining it very well, but it wasn't terribly important information to relay. In fact, I suspected the only reason Brock had asked Ash was to change the subject and derail Misty from her constant disparaging of Gary's sister. She'd never give a concrete reason for her dislike, and was always polite to Daisy May's face, but behind the girl's back she's be muttering comments to anyone who would listen, "Daisy's such a dumb name, anyway..."

We all suspected it had something to do with the way Ash blushed over the older girl, but saying so would cause Misty to pull fans and mallets from seemingly thin air, and none of us were willing to risk that. And so, prompted by Brock, Ash continued vainly to try and explain what Silver had told us earlier over breakfast. "Because trainers and pokemon, all different, all different, even if it's the same..." Poor Ash. The subject excited him enough that he wanted to discuss it, but he clearly knew he lacked the vocabulary to relay what he'd heard.

According to Silver, Professor Oak was interested in the differences in both stats and personality in pokemon of the same species who were raised by the same trainer. I remembered that Oak had long been researching the variations between pokemon of the same species, and I was interested to know what the research indicated. Certainly, I was curious as to how I was stacking up against Gary's Pikachu and Raichu. We'd never spoken, but I occasionally saw them hanging around the corral and couldn't help but wonder. After all, I very easily could have been given to Gary as his starter pokemon, and Oak's research often suggested that more than battle stats were affected by working with a human trainer.

Then again, the whole herd of Tauros shared one trainer, yet had many different personalities and characteristics. What did Oak's research make of that? I looked forward to hearing the results, as Professor Oak was always happy to sharing his findings with anyone who cared to listen, and if Pokemon were involved, Ash always did.

But most of our human friends were interested in something else. "You don't have to call him that," Ritchie interrupted Ash's stream of words, "It's okay, Ash, we already know Silver's your dad." Ash jumped and looked a little worried. "It's no big deal, we found out a long time ago. You don't have to pretend if you don't want to."

"Yeah, you can call him your dad in front of us, we won't tell anyone." Once he realized that no one was making fun of him, since I was pretty sure Ash had been bracing himself for that, Ash calmed down, but he didn't smile or seem happy by our friend's words.

"'Silver's fine..." he mumbled, before running off to play with the pokemon. After he left, Brock turned to the rest of us.

"I told you," he said in a vindicated voice. "I told you, didn't I? There's something wrong here." Misty put her head in her hands.

"Please, not this again..." I won't say the topic didn't intrigue me, because I talked to Ash more than any of them and, yes, there was something horribly wrong with the situation. But it was also a situation that had existed long before we had met Ash, and continued long after we'd begun traveling together. I didn't want to say it was harmless, but if Ash himself had no desire to change it, then we couldn't really force him.

Especially since we didn't know what the problem was. "You have to admit, Ash doesn't treat Silver like a Dad, and Delia barely treats Silver like a husband!"

"Not everybody is Norman and Caroline, okay," I muttered, thinking of my own familial memories, but if Brock understood me, I went ignored.

"Brock, the last time you tried to help Ash's daddy issues, you ended up creating some," Misty shot, "And given just how many times you've tried to hit on Ash's mom, I don't think we should listen to anything you say!" Brock fell silent at that, blushing in embarrassment.

Our group was silent for awhile, just watching Ash and the pokemon trying to set up a relay race, but then Tracey finally spoke up. "Actually, I think it's kind of weird, too."

"See! See!" Brock snapped back, and Misty just rolled her eyes. "I'm telling you, Ash can't possibly be okay with this!"

Misty still fought for the opposite opinion. "It's none of our business, guys."

"Are you kidding? You're always sticking your nose into other people's relationships!"

"You heard Mrs. Ketchum. Ash is the one who never comes home, not Silver!"

"I don't think it was always that way, though," Tracey interjected, looking thoughtful. "I've been living in Pallet Town for a few years now, and a lot of the people here don't even know that Delia's married. I didn't even know," he admitted, "I'd seen Silver once or twice, but I never thought he was more than a family friend."

"Well, if Silver was famous, maybe they tried to keep it a secret," Misty reasoned, "Didn't Ash used to get bullied for awhile?"

"Would they keep it so good of a secret that even Ash doesn't think he has a father? Because that's the impression I get when I talk to people." Tracey folded his arms and frowned. "Things aren't adding up." I half expected Cilan to pop out of the bushes and scream "It's detective tiiiiime!", but then I remembered that he wasn't here anymore.

"Look, we can solve this really easily," Misty snapped, putting on an air of having no patience for gossip, though I suspected she was just as interested. "Let's just ask Gary."

Once she brought it up, it seemed so obvious. Gary was standing several feet away, probably wanting to distance himself once the topic changed, and was leaning against the fence to watch Ash's training. After a few hesitant minutes, we swarmed up and demanded his attention.

"Silver?" Gary repeated, a little startled, mostly from being accosted. "What do want to know?"

"Is everything okay, there?" It was weird, even if I wanted to ignore it and say it was Ash's problem to solve. It wasn't like Ash to accept a void in his life, to accept a relationship as broken and irreparable, as his friendship with Paul had proved so resolutely, as well as all his dealings with me. And I knew, even though Ash had never told me directly, that there was a deep loneliness and pain buried somewhere in Pallet Town.

Of course, until I had realized the boy had a living, present father figure, I hadn't ever thought of forcing him to dig all that up. "The three of them don't always act like a family." Even Delia sometimes acted more like Ash's big sister than a mother, and Silver might as well be a next door neighbor, for all he seemed to fit into the family unit. "It's kind of weird, how Ash never calls him 'Dad', and all."

Gary listened to our concerns, eyes darting to Ash on occasion, before he shrugged and wrapped himself in his usual, aloof attitude. "We have a deal," he said. "I don't talk about his dad, and he doesn't talk about mine..."

That ended the conversation, though I could see that everyone was still mulling it over in their minds. Oblivious to the way his friends were judging and possibly plotting out his life, Ash continued to play, until enough time had passed that we felt we would be welcome up at the lab.

"Race you there, race you there," Ash challenged, and I shelved all my previous thoughts to make room for the happiness and joy Ash created everywhere he went. Nothing could truly be so wrong, not if Ash was involved. We both sprinted off in the direction of the lab, and after awhile, I grew mischievous and started using Quick Attack.

"Hey!" Ash shouted, but I just grinned over my shoulder as I outstripped him, rushing so far ahead that he was just a little speck in the field. He'd never be able to run fast enough to catch up, so it was with victor's pride that I skidded through the open door, raising my arms triumphantly even though I knew there was no one around to see.

But having arrived, I heard Oak and Silver in the next room over, and decided to join them. "I have to say, I didn't believe it when you told me. Never once have I heard of a Plusle teaming up with another Plusle."

"Suprised me, too. The one's just head over heels for Minun, but when it comes to Pokemon Battles, it can't be anyone but the other Plusle," Silver laughed aloud, leaning against a desk while Professor Oak poured coffee. It seemed that Oak was out of research mode, so once Ash got here, we could get started with our own questions and curiosities. "But it seems to work for them, in their own weird way."

"Cha~" I greeted as I entered, and Silver beckoned me up onto the table, where there were biscuits to munch as he scratched my ears. Outside, I saw Silver's Chikorita getting a massage from Oak's granddaughter, and I waved, though I only got a lazy, distracted one in response.

"Well, with you as their trainer, I'm sure they can overcome any obstacles." Silver didn't seem happy with Oak's praise, but distracted, the hand petting me starting to slow.

"You know, the smaller Plusle, he was given to me by another trainer," Silver said, as if confessing some secret. "Young kid, didn't know a thing about raising pokemon, and he knew it, too. He couldn't get Plusle to go back to the wild, and the more he tried, the more I felt sorry for the both of them. So he gave Plusle to me." Silver affectionately scratched my ears some more. "I'd already caught a Plusle years ago, and the two of them became close, the older one always comforting the other. It was really tough, but eventually, little Plusle was happy with us."

"You can tell they have a really strong bond," Oak commented, "Whether they're playing or battling, those two Plusle are closer than brothers." Silver nodded, but his face fell.

"You know, a few years ago, Plusle's old trainer got in contact with me. He knew he'd made a mistake, and he wanted to see Plusle again to apologize." Silver stopped petting me, running his hand through his hair with a sigh. "Plusle cried for weeks, didn't want anything to do with the guy. It really hurt him, you know, that his trainer didn't want him, no matter how sorry the kid was."

"Chuuu..." I said sympathetically, having seen this story play out with some of our friends. Even worse, I thought I had been living it for a while.

Silver looked at me, but his face bore an undefinable look. "I guess there are some hurts that just can't be forgiven, huh?"

Professor Oak set his coffee on the table, then spoke softly, "He'll come around, Silver." I suddenly got the feeling that we weren't talking about Plusle anymore.

But all of that was pushed to the side with a clamor in the doorway. Ash bounded through the entrance, kicking his shoes off and sliding across the floor to glare at me. "Qu-quick At'ck, quick'tack is not... not fair!" he wheezed, his heavy breathing fueling his rage, but the sight was so comical that I burst out laughing, and after a few seconds, Ash broke down and joined me. Tracey followed at a more reasonable speed and rolled his eyes at the pair of us.

"The others went back to the Ketchum's house to help with dinner," he told Professor Oak, "It's just us."

"Right then," Oak clapped his hands and grabbed some notes. "Ash, Pikachu, follow me, please." We curbed our laughter and followed the professor down a hallway, Ash barely offering a wave as a greeting or parting to Silver...

* * *

><p>"I promise, Pikachu, this won't hurt a bit," Professor Oak told me as he taped little red and blue wires to my cheeks.<p>

"The last time you said that, you locked me in a Pokeball for weeks," I grumbled, but he ignored me and left to attend to the giant contraption I'd been hooked up to.

"This machine can measure Pikachu's electric output," Oak explained, then went on to further outline direct and alternating currents, charges, ohms, amperes and volts. I was only vaguely familiar with these words, as electric pokemon had our own words for how our powers worked. There was electricity that gave power or strength, and electricity that worked against you. There was the philosophy that all beings gave off electrical energy, something that connected all living creatures, and human science had proven that this belief wasn't entirely incorrect. I had grown up knowing that there was a kind of electricity for communication, a different kind for attacks, a kind for playing, for healing or re-energizing others, and a special kind that my parents used and I shouldn't be using until I was much older.

Of course, I couldn't measure any of it in equations like Professor Oak could, and as interesting as it was to hear my powers broken down and explained, a lot of the data stream was just washing over my head. Ash clearly felt the same way; numbers were difficult for him to process with his aphasia, and he looked adrift.

After a few minutes of our blank stares, Professor Oak took pity on us and turned on his machine. After typing in some data, he beckoned Ash over to look at a small screen. I couldn't see from my vantage point, stuck in the center of the room with wires running out to the giant computerized monstrosity, but over in the corner, Ash was nodding along with the professor. "Pikachu's attack will flow through those wires, and the computer will tell us the magnitude of the attack. This here," he pointed at something on the screen, "This details the average effects of electric pokemon attacks. As you can see, at these levels, a person might experience muscle contractions, and so on..." Ash knit his brows, and I felt nervous on his behalf, but he nodded along with the professor's words. Tracey was by his side, completely engrossed.

Nervous or not, no matter how uncomfortable the subject, Ash and I needed to know the scope of my attacks before we continued training. Both of us had to be completely confident in our skills and our safety, and most of all, we needed proof that I couldn't hurt Ash again. Whatever it took, neither of us could go forward without perfect, scientific assurance.

"As I've told you before, these numbers here represent the magnitude necessary to cause serious damage, but it's extremely rare to encounter a pokemon powerful enough to achieve such energy. Certainly, I've never recorded anything close to that when studying Pikachu." He said that with such kindness, but I'd still managed to cause permanent damage to Ash, whatever Oak's data said. It didn't make me feel any better, and I'm sure it wasn't helping my trainer.

But there was nothing to do but get started. "Pikachu, please give us your strongest Thunderbolt!" And I obeyed, pouring out all of my energy as if it were a gym battle. I couldn't deny how wonderful it was to be using Thunderbolt again, though I saw Ash jump and shrink back against the wall.

But he endured it, and he didn't have to leave the room. Slowly, he was overcoming his fears for me, and I was grateful to see it. "That's enough, Pikachu!" I stopped at the sound of Tracey's voice, Ash exhaled, and Professor Oak began describing the data for us.

"Now, there's all the data on Pikachu's attack. It was very powerful, but you can see it's nowhere near the numbers needed to cause lasting damage." Ash looked dubious, and I couldn't blame him. I had given quite the light show, after all. "This is the amount of mA it would take to risk fibrillation, and Pikachu's attack was nowhere close to that. Also, the energy Pikachu generated was enough that if you had been hit by that attack, the force would have pushed you back and thus ended the current." The professor turned to me and smiled. "You see, nature has a way of keeping things in harmony. If not, pokemon wouldn't all be able to live together on this planet."

I wanted to be reassured, but there was a thought that nagged at me. These were things I'd always known and trusted in, though I didn't know the math behind them. Whether my parents had told me, or it had been instinct, I'd always known that there were levels and limits I needed to be aware of with my attacks that kept me and others safe. Even if I couldn't explain it in words or with formulas, I had a sense of _too much_ or _too long_ that told me I needed to stop before someone got hurt. And if I broke those rules, rebelled against those senses, I might cause real pain to somebody.

I'd always known that, believed that if I used my attacks like I was supposed to, things would be fine. And yet, even with the professor's science backing that up, I had hurt someone I cared deeply for.

"Fili-fili...bra...?"

"Fibrillation is what happened to you during your accident in Unova," the Professor Oak explained. "The electricity caused the muscle cells in your heart to stop working as a unified group, and your heart wasn't able to beat properly." Oh, that horrible, horrible day, where machines had to save Ash with the same electric shocks that destroyed him. "Normally, that doesn't happen with pokemon attacks. If not for extremely unusual circumstances, such as yours, Pikachu couldn't stop your heart unless he'd been trying to on purpose."

"Pika!" I would never, and hated the professor for implying that I would, even in his hypothetical scientific babble. Realizing his mistake, Oak apologized, though I don't think Ash had taken the statement seriously. Gratitude rushed through me, knowing that Ash didn't doubt me.

But I still doubted myself. Professor Oak said it didn't normally happen, that a pokemon attack would do such damage, but it had, and I could tell, for all the professor's confidence, that was bothering him, too. "Back to this attack, Pikachu achieved an extremely high voltage for it's species. In a fellow electric pokemon, that will do very little damage, if any at all. However, a non-electric pokemon, or a human being might be burned by all the energy created. But your skin can actually give you some protection, and certainly, different pokemon will have better physiology to withstand voltage, such as ground and rock-types..." The professor saw that Ash and I were both starting to look a little overwhelmed and gave us his most reassuring smile. "I would have been a little concerned if this attack had hit you, Ash, but even so, I doubt it would have done much. It's a little more powerful than one might have expected, but it couldn't do lasting damage."

And yet, we were a quartet of glum faces. "What I can't understand is how your condition developed. Even repeated shocks at this level shouldn't have caused neuropathy..."

"And Pikachu wasn't hitting Ash with such large attacks very often," Tracey agreed. Back when Tracey was traveling with us, I wasn't sure I could even manage such an attack, and if my weaker attacks could hurt a human over time, wouldn't some other trainers have had similar symptoms before? "You sure Ash didn't get blasted by a Raikou at some point?"

Ash didn't remember, and I was pretty sure I was the strongest electric type to ever attack him, much as I wanted to pin the blame on something else. Ash was looking uncomfortable with the topic, and he kept shooting apologetic glances to me, though I wasn't sure why he felt the need to. "I just don't understand how it could be possible. You're strong, Pikachu, but..."

"Wait! Pikachu!" Tracey whipped around and called to me, "Try Thunderbolt again! Pretend it's a League Championship!" I did as instructed, trying to push myself a little bit harder than before.

"That's only a slight increase, though," I heard Professor Oak mumble, but then Tracey called out again.

"Pretend Team Rocket's attacking!"

Even the thought of that sent chills down my spine. Yes, I knew they weren't really here and no one was truly in danger, but just the thought of it opened up something inside of me, accessing another level of power.

"Holy Mew!"

"Now pretend Ash is in danger!" And that did it. To protect Ash, there was no amount of power I couldn't summon. I felt things surging inside of me, power flowing out at levels I could barely comprehend, and yet I knew that if this wasn't pretend, if Ash were truly in peril, this attack would have been doubled.

"Pikachu, stop! You're breaking the computer!"

"And the room..." Tracey bemoaned, and I shut the attack down quickly. Coming to myself, I realized that I'd overloaded most of the florescent lights, and Oak was frantically checking out a portion of the computer that was smoking.

Ash was just clenching his eyes and teeth and trying to take deep breaths. I knew better than to try and talk to him right now, so I ripped the wires off my face and went over to the Professor. "Pika?"

"We got all the data on a disk, but I think my old friend is pretty much done." He patted the machine ruefully, while Tracey came over and handed Oak a CD. "No need to stay here anymore, I suppose."

Ash was only too inclined to agree, but he calmed down as we left the room. Now that the trauma was behind us, I was able to make eye contact with him, and he gave out a shaky, painful laugh. "So, uh... that means...?"

Professor Oak grimaced, but he didn't answer until we got back to the main area of the lab, where there were couches and sketchbooks and snack foods around to give a sense of familiarity and comfort. At the computer there, the professor inserted the CD and sighed. "Well, I think we've solved the mystery..." Ash, Tracey and I all leaned in, trepidatious as we were. "Most electric pokemon attack with a direct current, but what Pikachu just achieved with that last attack," he brought up some graphs and data on the computer, and while they didn't make any sense to me, they made a lot of sense to Tracey. "I didn't even realize it was possible, but the current was alternating, changing directions."

"Is... that bad?" Ash asked and the professor shook his head.

"Not of itself; most of the electricity running this lab is provided by alternating currents, but there can be some disadvantages." The professor was serious and somber. "If that last attack had hit you, you most certainly would have lost your muscle control, if it didn't stop your heart." Mine had stopped, with those words, and it only started beating again when Ash reached out to me and pulled me close. How ironic; I could stop his heart in just an instant, and he wanted me closer to it.

"Just getting hit once by an attack like that could be devastating," Professor Oak continued drumming our fate into us, "If you were exposed to this with any frequency, I'm not at all surprised that you began having residual effects."

"You couldn't have known, Pikachu," Tracey was quick to cut in. "None of us could have expected this." It was nice of him to say, but the only thing keeping me from running off and drowning myself were Ash's warm arms, ones that never pushed me away, no matter what expected or unexpected things happened.

"So... what, what now?" Ash asked, which was the whole reason we came here. "Can we fix it? What about battles... will it hurt other pokemon, hurt other pokemon?"

Professor Oak frowned. "To be honest, Ash, the one who could have best answered that question was you..." When Ash looked surprised, Oak explained, "You trained Pikachu as your starter, watching him slowly grow stronger and taking on many different kinds of opponents. Over time, I'm sure you developed the judgment necessary to know when to not to use Pikachu, or have him hold back. Just as Pikachu only demonstrated his true power when we asked him to think of a dangerous situation." A kind observation, but it hadn't helped much. "You're the best judge of this situation, Ash."

Ash swallowed. "But I... I don't remember..."

"I know. It's a very unique position you're in. Your pokemon are powerful champions, but the one who needs training now is you." Ash fidgeted, and Oak sighed. "I would never send a beginning trainer out with a high-level pokemon, no matter how promising they were. I had enough of a crisis debating whether I should send you out with Pikachu. Trainers need low-level starters so they can train themselves, growing alongside their pokemon. There isn't a manual you can follow to tell you how to manage each situation, and Pikachu's abilities are a unique thing that only time can help you understand."

Ash looked uneasy, and I felt uneasy. "Is there... anything? How should I... what do I do?" With a sigh, Professor Oak looked at me.

"There's always the option of teaching Pikachu only non-electric attacks, or removing his electric sacs..." My soul curdled at the thought. Without my electricity, what would I be?

But, without Ash, that possibility was even worse. "Pi..." I steeled myself and patted Ash's arm. "Let's do that..." It would be okay, I'd be with Ash, everything would be fine. Losing my electricity would destroy me, I'd always thought, but for Ash's sake, it would be worth it. But Ash shook his head.

"No. Other... there's another way, right? Another way..."

"I'm afraid you're going to have to find that way yourself, Ash," Oak said, ignoring Ash's protests. "It's not just Pikachu, you have many powerful pokemon at your disposal, and understanding their potential is your job as a trainer. In addition to helping pokemon grow strong, you also need to temper that strength." I didn't like how this was starting to all sound like Ash's fault, as if some negligence on his part had caused all his current suffering. "I won't pretend there's an easy solution, especially since Pikachu is metaphorically at a higher level than you are right now."

"Pika, pikapi." I swatted Ash's arm again, getting his attention. None of this was his fault, he'd been a fantastic trainer, and he'd taught me strength and control in all senses of the words. It wasn't weakness on his part if I needed to lose my electricity now, not when I'd already done so much harm. "Don't worry about how I feel, okay? I just want to know you'll be safe."

"It's how I feel," Ash muttered, tightening his grip on me, and I didn't have the strength to argue with that look in his eyes. Even if I had a moral obligation to do so.

Professor Oak had a serious look on his face, but his eyes were kind. "In that case, I would recommend that Pikachu become very familiar with the nature of his attacks." I nodded, determined to understand and control every aspect of this. "He's going to need a higher level of discipline than the average Pokemon would be held to. And you, Ash..." here the Professor trailed of, and he looked almost defeated.

Finally, he placed a hand on my trainer's shoulder. "Ash, you were always my most unusual student. But you are also the best trainer I have ever known. I doubted your abilities occasionally, but I always knew that if you couldn't train this Pikachu, then no one could." Ash gulped, while I knew it to be true. "Mastery over anything can take a lifetime to achieve, and you've already come so far, but all of that's in the past now. What you do now will determine the difference between being a Pokemon Trainer and a Pokemon Master..."

* * *

><p>Back at the house, everyone wanted to know what we'd talked about with Professor Oak. Ash was tight-lipped about the situation, saying only, "We have to train really hard."<p>

Such an understatement. We had to train _obscenely_ hard, so much so that it was going to make re-learning Iron Tail look like a breeze. And we were going to have to do it with techniques we'd never used before, that we hadn't even finished thinking up yet. Ash needed to be able to call his attacks and strategies properly, he needed to know his pokemon as intimately as he'd known us before, and he had to have complete confidence in my performance. And I had to become so familiar with my electricity that I knew the strength of the currents and voltage at all times, to push forward or hold back on command and never once hurt someone by accident.

And little more than two weeks left until the Pokemon League. Were we going to be ready?

We had planned to return to the corral after dinner and begin working, but our plans were interrupted by the arrival of company. It was a surprise to Delia when she opened the door to find Bianca and Luke on the step, but more of a surprise when Bianca tore down the road to catch up with the rest of us...

"... Look out, look out, I can't stop!" Her shrieking was not enough warning for Ash to get out of the way, and he fell into the creek with a tremendous splash. "I'm so sorry!"

"B-bianca?"

"And Luke! What are you guys doing here?" Everyone crowded around to ask questions and fish Ash out of the water. When Bianca had finished her stream of apologies, she switched gears completely to jump up and down with excitement.

"Well, Cilan told Burgundy who told Georgia who told Stephan who told me that Ash was going to compete in the Indigo League!" she cheered, waving her arms wildly. "I'm his rival, aren't I? I promised we'd meet in the Pokemon League, so of course I came!"

"But you need eight badges to compete in this league," Misty said, "Have you been challenging the gyms here?"

"You bet!" Bianca whipped out a badge case to display her trophies, a Cascade Badge and a Volcano Badge. "But I only have two," she bemoaned, "And I'm running out of time. Do you know where the closest gym is?"

"Well, Viridian City's not far from here," Brock mused, "But there's only about two weeks left, that's not enough time to get from one end of Kanto to the other..."

"Not with the way you guys travel," Gary agreed, still marveling at Bianca's Volcano Badge. "How does everyone keep getting this one?"

Bianca looked ready to burst into tears. "You mean... I won't be able to go to the League in time? I can't fight Ash?" There was an awkward moment while everyone looked at each other. "I worked for so long to get these two badges..."

No one wanted to tell Bianca it was impossible, even though we were all thinking it. "Well, maybe if you ran the whole way..."

"Pewter and Viridian are super close together..."

"We could get you a Town Map..."

Finally, Gary spoke up. "I know where all the best gyms are. We'll take my car." Bianca was positively glowing.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I just have to convince my sister to drive us." He and Bianca tore off towards Gary's house, and the rest of us followed, some a little more agitated than others.

"What do you mean, 'the best gyms', huh? Is my gym on that list, Oak?"

"Please, your sisters practically give badges away!" We skidded to a stop in front of the house, while Gary bounded through the door and up the stairs.

"May? Hey, May!" Even outside, we still heard the sibling bickering.

"You want me to _what?_ No way!"

"Please?"

"Just get one of your stupid cheerleaders to drive you!"

There was some more yelling, and a lot of begging on Gary's part before the elder Oak sibling agreed to the request, and Gary exited the house in a flurry of determination. "She'll do it!"

"Oh my gosh, thank you!" Bianca gushed. "You're the best!"

"Yeah, that's really nice, Gary," Misty agreed, almost suspiciously. "You didn't have to do that."

But Gary shrugged. "You're Ash's rival, right?" he said to Bianca. "So you've got to be at that competition. You'll regret it forever if you're not." And that was all there was to it. He grabbed Bianca's wrist and pulled. "Come on, the convertible's out back!" They sped off, and a few minutes later, Daisy May joined them to drive off down the road.

"You think they can do it?" Misty asked Brock.

"I don't know, Gary _was _going for his eleventh badge back when Ash was still trying to get eight..." He shook his head and turned to Luke. "Well, that explains Bianca, but what are you doing here?"

"Hey!" Ash shouted with sudden recognition. "You-you gave me the video, the..." With everyone staring at him, he got a bit embarrassed. "...the video, with the battling and stuff..." Even after watching it a dozen times, Ash could only barely remember what had happened. But at least he managed to retain Luke's name. "L-luke, right?"

"Right!" Luke was triumphant, but it quickly dropped off to hesitant shyness. "Actually, I came here to ask you for a favor..." Ash leaned in, and I could tell he was already willing to say yes to whatever came out of Luke's mouth. If it was for a friend, Ash would do anything, one of his best qualities. "I've been thinking a lot about what happened, and how you're preparing for the Pokemon League now, and I think that's really cool." He patted his camera, "I was wondering if I could make a documentary about you?"

We were all surprised. "Docu-document'ry?"

"How To Get Gym Badges Without Actually Winning," Misty joked, and Brock gave her a playful shove.

"Oh, come on, that joke's so old."

"Well, you started it."

"Me?" Ash was still stunned by the request. "Why would you want to make a movie about me, make a movie about me?"

"I think your story could inspire a lot of people," Luke replied seriously. "You're really exceptional, Ash." When Ash looked startled, Luke mistook it for unwillingness. "But, you don't have to, if you're not comfortable with the idea."

"No, I..." Ash looked at me, and I grinned back at him. "If-if everyone else is okay, then... then it'd be good, it'd be good..."

"Awesome!" Luke hefted his camera. "Then we are rolling!"

* * *

><p>I had to give Luke credit for not being obvious or obtrusive when he was filming our training practice. Unless he was interviewing someone or asking questions, then we usually forgot he was there. And that was a blessing, because Ash was humiliated enough without a film crew documenting our failures.<p>

"This is not going to work," Quilava finally said what everyone was thinking, as we all tried not to look frustrated with our shame-faced trainer. But Ash knew just as perfectly as we did that Quilava was right, and after two hours of trying to muddle through one training battle, you could slice the tension with Leaf Blade.

We knew Ash had difficulties, but seeing his limitations up close had taken us by surprise. He couldn't remember or say a lot of our names correctly, or call attacks, and spent far too much time with his head buried in the Pokedex. And coming up with strategies, calling out sudden commands, timing, all required a command over language that Ash just didn't have.

"So, what are we going to do?" I countered, trying to tone down my anger. It wasn't Ash's fault, or Quilava's fault that things were so frustrating. "Just give up on battling?"

"No, but we can't show up like this!" Charizard countered. "The kid's just gonna embarrass himself at the League."

"Oh, it can't be any worse than how _you_ embarrassed us," Squirtle said darkly, and I jumped in before a fight broke out.

"Look, Ash handled Snivy and Pignite in battle back in Unova," I reminded everyone, "And he and I won our battle against Ritchie. So it_ is_ possible."

"Yes, but Ash was also asking me to use Flamethrower, and he had a lot of trouble communicating instructions." Snivy folded her arms with serious deliberation. "I won't say I wasn't impressed, but it was a far cry from where we need to be."

"And you spent weeks training with Ash one-on-one before he could command you so well," Pidgeot reminded, "We don't have that kind of time anymore." Pidgeot was right, that Ash and I had spent all day-every day drilling Iron Tail for weeks before we faced Ritchie, and we hadn't even begun to tackle using my electric attacks in battle. With so many pokemon on our team, we'd need at least a year to be ready for the League.

"Then what do we do?" I hissed again, not out of anger, but fear. "Tell him that he's not good enough?"

"Well, right now he's _not_ good enough," Snivy countered practically, despite everyone's gasps. "Ignoring the problem won't make it go away!"

Gible wailed, "But it's not his fault!"

"I didn't say it was. But he can't do his job right now, and pretending otherwise won't change that!"

"I'm right here, guys..." Ash broke in, and we all ducked our heads in shame. I doubted Ash understood everything we said, but given the situation and the look on his face, he probably didn't need to.

Ash took a deep breath and sat down on a tree stump, his shoulders slumping. "I... I know this isn't... ..." After struggling for a few minutes, he gave up and moved on to another thought. "All of you, all of you are champions, the best. Proud of you, but I'm... I'm broken..." He always used the phrases 'broken' and 'stupid' to describe his condition, and I hated it so much. As friends and family, we'd tried to get him to stop, but even if Ash had the intentions of using other words, it didn't seem to matter much. Maybe it was out of his control, or maybe he didn't remember other phrases to use, but it said a lot about how Ash viewed himself.

"Right now, you're all strong, all strong, but I'm weak..." he said, hushing us when we tried to protest. "I need help, I need help, so... so, can we tr-try something diff'rent?" Different? We crowded in, hopeful at last. Ash was a trove of brilliant, zany ideas, and if he'd happened upon something, we were more than willing to try it. "Could we switch-switch jobs? ...you guys, you guys train me?"

"Us train you?" We all looked at each other. What would that even mean?

"Yeah, um, you guys are the trainers... I'll do what you say, what you say..." For a few seconds, we murmured and whispered amongst ourselves.

"You know, I used to dream about this," Charizard joked, and everybody glared at him.

"It's not some stupid revenge fantasy, we've got to train a human being to... be human..." The idea seemed a little daunting.

And yet, there wasn't really another option. Ash was in no position to train us, so we might as well try and think outside the box. "Got it! We'll do it!"

Ash looked relieved. "Thanks... counting on you..." Mischievously, we all looked at each other, somehow knowing everyone's thoughts...

In unison, we all jumped in the air and did our trainer's signature pose. "We caught... Ash!" At Ash's face, we all collapsed in a fit of giggles, and over by the camera, Luke and Zoura were doubled over and clutching their sides.

"They looked just like you!" Luke howled, and Ash rolled his eyes.

"I-I'm nothing like that..."

* * *

><p>The task of training Ash proved to be a little more involved than we'd previously bargained for, since everyone had their own opinion about how such a task was to be handled. But after some discussion, and some arguments, we split up into teams, each based around a particular skill or philosophy, and divided Ash's time up between the groups.<p>

Noctowl headed up the first team, believing that rote memorization was the way to go. He and his group had Ash repeating and memorizing each Pokemon's name and attacks, just as Ash had been doing for months with the rest of his vocabulary. We all knew, as did Noctowl and most certainly Ash, that progress would be slow. Ash had made huge strides immediately after the accident, but the longer time went on, the less he was likely to make large improvements. His speech and memory impediments would be with him for the rest of his life, but even so, if the hours and hours of practice could make recollection and communication any easier for him, it was worth it.

It was dreary work, according to Ash, but he'd promised to follow our training regime and he stuck by that. And for all the frustration and tedium, things were starting to improve, if only by a fractional amount.

Sceptile took control of the second team, and they had Ash trying to call attacks while running obstacle courses, or carrying on simultaneous conversations. Sceptile's thought was that Ash's intelligence was clearly as good as it had always been, but when nervous or distracted, his speech just disintegrated. If he could learn to focus and retain his confidence under pressure, he'd surely have an easier time with recalling attacks and calling them correctly.

Of course, the first few days of working with Sceptile's team nearly drove everyone to insanity. Ash had neglected to tell us that if he wasn't mentally prepared for someone to start speaking, he often wouldn't understand the first chunk of the sentence. After testing this, Sceptile realized it was true, and that his goal of Ash trying to call attacks while others were talking was nigh impossible. Even so, Sceptile kept pushing forward with his plans, and at least, Ash began performing better under the physical challenges.

But this gave rise to Buizel's team, who began training Ash to tune out all other voices during a battle. Cheers from the sidelines, announcers and any other stimulus outside of the battlefield was just a distraction, and more than ever before, Ash needed to focus. After that, Corphish and Glalie invented their own team where they memorized typing and special attacks through a series of games. I suspected there was a bit more playing than learning with those two involved, but no one stopped it because if not for them Ash would have been in complete misery.

Bulbasaur and Squirtle headed a small team that simulated battle scenarios, getting Ash to experiment with articulating the complex strategies we were so used to, and Snivy's team focused less on Ash, and more on training all of us to listen. Even if his words were suspect, she always argued, we should be in tune with our trainer enough to understand him. Meanwhile, Pidgeot and Staraptor put their heads together to try and come up with options for non-verbal communication that could work in a battle situation.

No one was sure what Charizard was up to, as he was a team of one and his training involved grabbing Ash and flying off into the woods somewhere. We were kind of scared to ask, and it didn't help that Ash had begun referring to Charizard as "the devil". But whatever was going on, when Charizard returned our slightly crispy trainer back to us, we did notice improvements.

I didn't join any of the teams, and though I occasionally helped different groups out, most of my training was spent by myself, practicing my electric attacks. I was concentrating on every stage of the attack, from how I felt while generating the electricity, to releasing it, to connecting with targets and finally breaking the connection. I poured over Professor Oak's graphs and data, and tried to incorporate this new knowledge into my execution. I tried to feel the difference between an alternating current and a direct current, and observed the differences through countless experiments on rocks, trees and fence posts.

Most importantly, I worked on holding myself back. Everyone knew I could flood a battlefield with my Thunderbolt, but now I needed to prove I could hit one Joltik out of a swarm. There was almost no limit to the amount of voltage I could throw around, but could I hit a low-level Pidgey without causing it to faint? Could I hit an enemy while Ash was standing right next to it?

And all these questions were only the groundwork. Could I increase the charge without increasing voltage, or the other way around? What would happen if I did? Could I control the direction of the current despite resistance? Some objects conducted electricity better than others, but could I circumvent that? Could I control the way my electricity arced, regardless of the scenario? What subtle effects could I create with electric attacks that I hadn't explored before?

These were the questions I focused on while training, and I had to know the answers better than anyone. No longer could I just accept that I had the ability of Static; now I had to know why it worked, why it sometimes didn't work, and if I had any control over that. I had hurt Ash once before with my ignorance, but I vowed to myself that there would be no more accidents. Whatever disasters fate may have had planned for us, it wouldn't be because I hadn't tried my very best to prevent it.

That was the only way I could ever atone for my mistakes. Ash wasn't going to punish me for being what I was, so I was determined to respond with all the love in my heart, and give him the very best that was in me.

Finally, one night, I felt ready to face him. "Pikapi."

Exhausted and a little charred from a long day's training, he knelt down to face me. "What's up?"

"Pikachuu..." I tugged at his hand, and he got the message. With some nervous stammering, he informed his mother that he was going out to train some more, and the two of us left the house and hopped over the backyard fence.

Out in the field, the sun had just set and there was a thousand glittering stars above us. A perfect, beautiful night, but there was no time for stargazing. "O-okay..." Ash rubbed his hands together, radiating worry with every gesture. "Try... simple, just that rock..." He pointed to the target, and I promptly decimated it. "Um... a-alright, then..." For the next hour, Ash had me zapping rocks of smaller and smaller sizes, eventually tossing tiny pebbles into the air and expecting me to hit them. I only succeeded with one out of every ten, and my frustration began building up. "D-don't attack harder, it won't help you, won't help you," Ash chided, but it was difficult to obey. My instinct was to push myself and attack larger areas, and not being able to hit the target drove me back to that mentality.

Finally, after missing yet another pebble, I couldn't hold back anymore and shot a thick Thunderbolt out at a small mound of dirt. It felt good the relase the tension, and the sand and gravel flying everywhere was somehow satisfying, but I regretted the action when I saw Ash's face. "Shoot! I'm sorry!"

"I'm fine, I'm fine," Ash tried to insist, but he kept backing up and his voice grew more and more panicked. I stopped crowding him, which seemed to help, and Ash calmed down a little. Having his own release of tension, he sunk to his knees and cried with relief. "S-sorry, I'm sorry."

"No, you're fine," I told him, though it didn't look like those words made him feel any better.

"It's not, not good, not fine, you're trying so hard, and I can't..." he sighed and gave me a mournful look. "I'm not... I'm not going to be able to do this, able to do this, am I?"

"Yes, you can," I contradicted, and it wasn't just pretty words anymore. "Look how far you've come. Do you really think anything's impossible at this point?" Ash should have died, but he lived. He shouldn't have been able to speak, but he could. In a few years, he wouldn't have been able to walk, but now he was going to lead a healthy life.

And best of all, he'd been terrified of me, but now we were friends. "Take it easy, if you have to. You're doing fine."

Ash smiled gratefully at my words, and got to his feet again. Before trying any more exercises, he asked, "Do you think... think you could do less? With your attacks?" I raised an eyebrow and fired what I felt was a tiny Thunderbolt.

"Like that?" Ash blanched.

"Yeah, b-but less..." I kept trying, until I had a Thunderbolt that wouldn't have knocked out a Magikarp, but that's when Ash finally relaxed. "Okay, that-that's fine. For now, can we train just with that, just with that?"

I wanted to scream, but the whole point of his training was to become accustomed to my Thunderbolts, and the whole point of mine was to learn to hold back. If this was what it took, then there was no reason to complain about it.

"Sure," I said through grit teeth, and we returned to work.

* * *

><p>"I, um... uh, yeah, I..." Ash was supposed to be telling Luke about the preparations he was making for his upcoming journey to Indigo Plateau, but after nearly three minutes of stammering he'd been unable to string two words together. The camera was probably adding extra pressure to the already difficult task of speaking, and Ash's aphasia and memory were always more problematic when he was stressed.<p>

"Why don't you start by introducing yourself?"

"Okay, um, I, um, my,m-mynameisAshI'mAshfrom-"

"Woah, slow down!" Luke admonished, but Ash just bit his lip. It was kind of comical, watching Ash squirm in his chair under the gaze of the camera. "Just relax, okay? It's only an interview. I'll ask some questions, and you can just be yourself."

"Um... uh, sure," Ash mumbled, looking uncomfortable, and Luke took pity on him.

"Look, you don't have to do this if you don't want to. I know this is personal."

"No, it's not..." Ash sighed. "Just nervous... I don't talk right, a-and I'm slow, and... um..."

"Take your time," Luke encouraged, and after a few more reassurances, the camera was rolling again.

Ash took a deep breath. "I-I'm Ash from Pallet Town, from Pallet Town. Trying, I'm trying to be a Pokemon Master, a Pokemon Master. B-best in the world..." Luke brought Ash's attention to the mantle, where some of his badges, plaques and trophies were displayed.

"Are all of those yours, then?" Ash looked behind him at the shelf, and nodded.

"Yeah, I, I won those... a long time ago..." He trailed off for a minute, before catching himself. "I mean, I did, but it was before the accident, before the accident, so I don't really know..."

"Can you tell me a little about your accident?"

Ash nodded, and I found myself leaning forward a little despite myself. I wasn't the only one, Ritchie and Brock were doing the same thing. We couldn't help it, we were always curious as to what Ash remembered, or what his thoughts were.

"There was, um... building, this building fell down in the..." Ash was making spiral gestures with his fingers to indicate a tornado, "... wind... and my-I got trapped and broken. No! I mean-" At least Ash caught himself this time. "My head," he continued emphasizing and miming words with his hands. "Hurt my head, um, there was bleeding... it was scarey, it was scarey."

"Do you remember the accident well?"

Ash shook his head. "No, not well, only a few things... Like, dust, choking on dust, electr-electr-hurting, and my friend..." he looked away from Luke for a second to find me, "My friend was with me, I was worried about him... Tried to save him, but... I got lost somewhere, somewhere, couldn't find him, and then the hospital..."

"You said you hurt your head. Can you tell me a bit more about that?"

"Yeah, uh, my head, um, inside, inside that part, got hit and there was bleeding, there was bleeding." I watched Ash trying to convey these difficult concepts and flashed back to those days in the hospital, when he could barely say any words at all. He'd worked hard and come such a long way from those dark times. "I have... A-aphasia... Talking, talking is hard, I can't think of words... Say wrong words, sometimes, say wrong words and don't even know, but... but I still think like before... before the acci-accident, still think the same, like, like normal. Just can't remember words to... say, say the feelings. But I'm lucky," Ash insisted, still making expressive hand movements. "I got a lot better, and I could have been hurt worse, so I'm lucky."

Luck followed Ash wherever he went, but I didn't want to negate all his hard work. Ash fought and clawed for every word at his disposal, months upon months of grueling speech therapy and practice. To me, this was a greater accomplishment than all the Gym Badges put together. "Memory, too, I forget stuff a lot, forget stuff a lot."

"I heard that you write really well, though. Is that true?"

"Um, yeah, uh, writing is easier, I can write... Still hard, really hard, don't have a lot of words, but... when I write, no rush, everybody waits. Everyone waits, and I can relax, relax and think the words. And no one hears mistakes," he joked to the camera. "Can erase it and fix stuff."

"Does your condition make it hard to train pokemon?"

"Yeah." Understatement of the year... "Really hard... because they can't see me, you know, in the battle, so I have to get the words right, get the words right. If I can't talk, then, then we're not together."

"But right now you're training for the Pokemon League."

"Yeah! Um, you know, that's my dream... have to try and do my best!" Even though Ash was talking about something personal, he seemed to be growing more comfortable as the conversation went on, and there was more strength behind his words. "I don't know if it'll be okay, but I can't give up, can't give up... right? And everybody worked so hard, strong, don't wanna let them down..." Ash and Luke talked a bit more about training and Ash's speech therapy before Luke asked a question that changed the entire mood of the conversation.

"What's the most challenging thing you've had to deal with?" Within seconds, Ash's whole demeanor changed, and he went from being confident and candid to nervous and withdrawn.

When he spoke, his voice was a shaky shadow of what it had been. "That, uh, um... th-that's the..." Ash was making an odd gesture with his hands, drawing his palms towards his chest with slow, weighty deliberation. "Heavy feelings, like, um, pushing. Or worried, I get scared and worried. Even though all this is... just stuff, just stuff, everybody has stuff, lucky, but..." He no longer made eye contact as he spoke, sinking into his shoulders and managing to look so tiny on his chair. "... still have heavy feelings, like, can't wait until it's over, when I d-die- it'll be over... 'cause I'm not gonna get better. Or, I get," he flapped his wrists, trying to come up with the words, "Wrong things, one wrong thing is fine, is fine, but too many things, I can't handle that, can't breathe, can't... Anxiety!" He suddenly found the term, triumphant despite the gloomy topic. "Should be fine, but sometimes it's not, and... and... I try to make it fine, know I'm supposed to try and stay... not giving up, stay happy, but I'm not, so I get tired. Even happy starts to hurt..."

I tried to make eye contact with Ash, even though a part of me was scared to. These things he was describing worried me, partly because I couldn't understand them, but also because I understood some of them too well. When Ash didn't seem inclined to meet the eyes of any living creature, I looked around at our other friends, who didn't seem to share my shock, but we were all united in uncomfortable silence.

"Do you feel pressure to stay positive?"

"I don't feel like that all the time, all the time!" Ash insisted to Luke's sympathetic face. "Just, being sad doesn't help, you know, but back then, back then I felt too much..."

"Felt too much?"

"How...?" Ash pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes, like he was trying to focus on something in the distance. Finally, he seemed to decide on something, and after a nervous look to the camera, he rolled back the edge of his left glove. "... not... this, see this?" He held his wrist out for Luke to see. The scar there had healed over, but still left blotchy, rough evidence of what had occurred back in the psychiatric hospital, when I'd pushed my trainer far past all his limits. "My feelings, sad or scared or happy, they, um, were too big. They hurt me, hurt me, and I didn't know how to make it stop. Everything was wrong. But now," he caught my eye while rolling back his glove, then quickly looked away. "The doctors helped, doctors helped, I'm learning to be okay, you know, even big feelings can't hurt you, can't hurt you..."

This revelation had taken Luke by surprise, along with Brock and Ritchie. I was the only one present who seemed aware of what Ash had been driven to do that week, even if he hadn't quite been himself. That didn't make the reminder any less disturbing. "Do you..." Luke's professional demeanor had been rattled a bit, "Do you ever feel like giving up?"

Again, Ash seemed shy upon answering. "...yeah... used to a lot, before... I hurt a lot and couldn't do stuff... Like the words, my hand went wherever, couldn't move like normal. Things would be good, and then I'd remember all the stuff I forgot, stuff I forgot, and stuff I can't do, and think 'It's gonna be like this forever'... the feelings come up and knock me down..." Ash shook his head, sighing a little. "But it's easier now, it's easier now. This'll be okay someday, okay, but right now I'm broken, so things are hard..."

I sat back on my haunches and tried to process this. Ash always seemed so happy... Except that was a lie, and when I thought about it, I remembered all the crying and screaming and sighing we'd lived through over the past few months. Even so, he had always seemed so positive, never once saying words like this aloud.

But Brock and Ritchie only seemed sad, not surprised by this information. Once they'd recovered from the sight of what Ash had tried to do to his wrist, they didn't behave as if anything Ash said was unexpected. Ash and I had talked about a lot of things, but he'd never described any of this to me. Why had he kept me in the dark? Because we had been fighting for so long?

Ash fidgeted a little, then raised his head. "...can I tell you the best part?"

"The best part?" Luke repeated. There was a best part? Ash broke out into a grin, light streaming through the storm clouds he'd created.

"So, before this, before I left home," Ash launched straight into his explanation, hands waving and voice dancing in joy, the complete opposite of the person he'd been while describing his darker feelings. This Ash was the confident, enthusiastic boy I was used to seeing, and I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. "Before my journey, I was alone. I remember that best, being alone, but now I have everybody!" He gestured to Luke, Brock, Ritchie and had an especially warm smile for me. "I don't remember stuff, and I'm not good at stuff, but they're still friends, because this," he thumped his chest a little, "Is the same. Everything else is gone, but this, and they're still friends, still friends!"

The physical things had never mattered, not one bit. Even if his body was crippled, even if his memory was demolished, Ash's heart was the thing that had drawn us all to him, and that never changed. "Did I know that, know that, before the accident? Maybe I did, probably, but now I know for sure, and I can't forget. Isn't that great, isn't that great?"

"Yeah," Luke matched Ash's smile with a genuine one of his own. "That is great."

The interview only went on for a few more minutes before Delia began making signs to start wrapping things up and go to bed. Luke determined to get more footage over the next few days, and Ash was more than happy for a break. He insisted that he was fine and it had been fun, but he seemed a little shy and preoccupied despite his cheerful attitude, enough that Misty commented on it while everyone crowded into the bathroom to brush their teeth. But Brock pulled her aside and relayed Ash's conversation with Luke, and how Ash might be feeling vulnerable after revealing so much personal information. She was kinder to Ash after that, and the tension seemed to fall from Ash's shoulders.

At least, until I opened my big mouth and ruined everything, as usual. "You never told me that," I quietly broached the subject with Ash while he was sneaking an orange out of the refrigerator.

"Hm?" Head deep inside the fridge, I don't think Ash understood me, so I waited until he reemerged with his prize before repeating myself. "All that stuff about giving up, and heavy feelings... you never told me."

Ash looked as if I'd slapped him across the face, and right away, I knew I'd messed up again. But there was no retracting whatever fault I'd committed, and he turned his head away from me, choosing to focus only on peeling his orange.

"You couldn't tell?" Did his tone sound accusatory, or was that just me? Even if it had only seemed so in my imagination, there was definite cold growing between us, the temperature dropping by the second. But I didn't have a chance to reply before Silver entered the kitchen, the tall man frowning at Ash.

"Your mom'll tan your hide if she catches you eating after brushing your teeth," he warned, and Ash just rolled his eyes and laughed. His mirth was contagious, and Silver eventually chuckled along with him. "You know, I was planning to let ol' Salamance out to stretch his wings tomorrow. You feel like going flying?"

Ash's eyes lit up at the thought, but he had to shake his head. "No, can't, busy training," he sighed, a little regretfully. I had to give him credit for discipline, since we were almost out of time. Tomorrow we were going to have a proper battle against Ritchie, and see if everyone's hard work had resulted in something approaching functional. I had high hopes, but was still nervous about my own attacks, since Ash had only allowed me to increase my voltage by a marginal amount in our training.

"You've been working really hard, huh?" Silver's tone conveyed praise, but he also seemed just a bit dejected by Ash's refusal. "Think you'll be ready for the League?" Ash's mood plummeted.

"Dunno," he shrugged, and finished peeling his orange as quickly as possible.

"Well, if you need any help training, just ask me-"

"I'm fine by myself, myself!" Ash snapped, and we both froze. Probably realizing how rude he had sounded, Ash apologized quickly. "S-sorry, just meant it's okay. Thanks, but we're fine."

"Okay, then..." Silver began, but Ash was already running up the stairs. I bounded after him, noting his agitation and the way he scarfed his orange before making it even halfway up the staircase.

"Is everything okay?" I asked after we got to Ash's room, but my trainer just brushed me off.

"Now you ask?" I thought I heard him mutter, and I felt struck, but kept pressing.

"Why aren't you nicer to him?" Not that Ash was particularly unkind, but he could be testy, and he certainly didn't treat Silver like a father, whether a loved or hated one. "You call him 'Dad' in your journals, you know. And you act all weird whenever anyone brings the subject up. You can't pretend there isn't something going on here." Ash had been in the process of climbing the ladder on his bed, but halted at my words.

I wondered if I'd overstepped a little, but Ash's behavior in this matter was starting to bother me. "I don't like that you can just dismiss your own father like that, or anyone close to you. It worries me." It didn't seem like Ash at all, but if he could reject his own parent, what made me so special? "Lately, I'm starting to think I don't really know you at all..." It wasn't just the changes that had come about in Ash because of his brain injury, but all the things he'd kept hidden from me while healthy. His condition, his family, how he felt... Things weren't adding up, and it confused me.

I faced Ash and challenged his defiant expression. "I think you feel more strongly about this than you let on."

Ash clenched the sides of the ladder. "Pokemon Trainers leave, travel, right? Me, too, I left... lot's of families do this, it's normal..." And yet, here we were, having a very not-normal conversation. "Silver cares about me, cares about me, know that, so... so, the rest d-doesn't matter..." That was all Ash would say about it, but I suspected it mattered a great deal more than he would admit to.

"It just doesn't seem like you," I tried, and Ash eyed me with suspicion.

"You act like..." he frowned, then sighed and rested his head against one of the rungs on the ladder. "It doesn't matter if Silver is here. Or gone, doesn't matter. If people know or don't know, I still get teased," Ash said with finality. "They laugh at me and baseball isn't fun anymore. But pokemon are fun, because they don't care about dumb stuff, about dumb stuff. Are you strong, are you funny, or nice? Are you a good trainer, that's what pokemon care about, care about, not why I don't have a dad, or do, o-or why I'm not as good as him..." Gritting his teeth, Ash decided that he'd had enough and he stomped up the ladder and dove underneath the covers.

But I could see his back was still strung with tension, so I climbed up there after him. Of course I could have told him that we Pokemon cared about plenty of 'dumb stuff' of our own, but that wasn't really the point. "Are you mad at me?" I whispered over his shoulder, and Ash flinched.

He tried to ignore me, but eventually his shoulders fell and he admitted the truth with a soft, "Yes..."

"Will you tell me why?" He didn't make a sound or a movement in reply. "I can't change anything if you don't tell me."

Resigned, Ash rolled over, but he looked so tired. His eyes were pained, but with exhaustion and futility, and even though he opened and closed his mouth a few times, he couldn't come up with anything to say.

Finally, he held out his hands to mime writing. "Can I...?" I nodded, watching him climb out of the bed and pad over to the desk. If it made his thoughts any easier to express, then I could wait, and in the meantime I could try and figure it out for myself.

It started after filming with Luke, when I tried to talk about the feelings he'd revealed. Was he mad that I hadn't known about them? It seemed that way, but how did Ash expect me to know anything if he didn't tell me about it? I wasn't a psychic type, nor a Riolu, so I couldn't read his mind.

He hadn't told me about the way my electric attacks had been hurting him, either. I still didn't know why, and since Ash didn't remember, I'd probably never find out. I used to think there were no secrets between us, but now I knew otherwise. What I didn't know was how Ash expected me to uncover all the things he went to such great lengths to hide.

Over at the desk, Ash seemed to be having trouble writing down his thoughts. His hands crossed and scribbled over words, often crumpling up the paper to try again with a fresh sheet, and all the while growing more agitated. Maybe the problem was more complicated than I was giving it credit for? It always was when it came to Ash.

Perhaps Ash hadn't wanted to talk about any of it with me, about Silver or his feelings? He was candid enough in front of Luke's camera, but he might have felt differently later. Or he might have been worried that I'd think less of him, maybe calling extra attention to the issue embarrassed him? Or maybe he'd just been hoping for a different reaction?

Ash wasn't the only one who was frustrated. It was insulting, watching Ash talk so openly with Luke and his camera about deep secrets he should have been telling me. Hadn't we made up a long time ago? Hadn't we grown closer and shared so many intimate thoughts in the past few weeks? Why couldn't he tell me that he was in so much pain, enough that dying looked like a relief?

And maybe that was my real source of anger, that he had such feelings. I remembered how he confessed his fear at "getting lost" during surgery, terrified that death held nothing but eternal darkness and isolation for him. He'd shared that with me, and I'd talked him down, tried to help him find his courage again. Slowly but surely, we were walking away from Ash's phobias surrounding me, and the nightmare of the accident was beginning to disappear. That's what I thought, anyway, but maybe it was all a lie.

I wanted Ash to open up to me, but at the same time, I didn't know what I'd do if he did. The words he'd said to Luke were ominous, but also vague, enough that they could be hiding something even darker. The things Ash felt scared me, just like they had during that psychotic break, and I knew I wasn't the one who brought him back from that. If Ash didn't want to be on this earth anymore, if he felt his life was too overwhelming and painful, I wouldn't have a single recourse besides begging to make him stay.

But it was possible that I was over-thinking this. As unhappy as Ash's feelings sounded, he had also said that he was doing better, and I could see for myself that this was true. Ash was learning to handle both his fear and his anger over time, and had become a more mature person as a result. Of course I knew he wasn't full of sunshine all the time, but he also was someone who gave his best at everything and was determined to enjoy life. Ash had his struggles, internal and external, but his triumphs outweighed them.

At the moment, however, the struggle of writing down his thoughts was proving too much for Ash, and he sank his head into his hands with a small whimper. I jumped off the bed and up onto the desk to put a soft paw on his arm.

"Hey," I said with all the gentleness I could muster. "It's okay. If you can't say it, then I'll just try my best to make it right. I'm sorry if I made you upset." Ash's face looked broken and exhausted, so I nuzzled his cheek. "If you're mad at me, then be mad. I'll still love you anyway." Ash nodded with a tired sigh.

"Maybe I'll think of it in the morning, in the morning..." I coaxed him back to bed, but before I left, I heard a tiny whisper of a request. "W-will you stay?"

"Stay?" I echoed, and Ash nodded, though he didn't meet my eyes.

"Yeah, don't go... I'm not _that_ mad..." This didn't seem the time to point out that mad or no, Ash had never given me an indication that I was welcome anywhere near him after he fell asleep. Resisting the urge to jump in glee, I curled up on Ash's pillow and the two of us drifted off into peaceful dreams. It was comforting to know that every argument between us didn't herald the end of the world...

* * *

><p>I was the first one to wake up the next morning, and judging by the height of the sun, Delia would be calling for breakfast any minute. But there were still a few minutes of peace before the day got going, and I lay my head back on the pillow. I loved the training and League anticipation that had taken over our lives, but no one could deny the beauty of the quiet moments. Next to me, Ash was still sleeping, snoring softly, but looking careless and content, as he always should.<p>

Seeing him like that, it was hard to imagine that he had any burdens on his heart, or nightmares that tormented him. But no matter what it looked like, demons still lurked in the shadows. I didn't want to be the demon anymore, but the one who protected Ash from them.

A knock on the door jolted me out of my thoughts, and I sighed. We had promised that Luke could film our morning routine, and I gave him and Golett a wave when the door opened. "Come on, lazybones, time to get up." I nuzzled Ash's cheek until he began to stir, bleary eyes blinking open to meet the world. "Good morning."

"Morn'ng," Ash mumbled, a little disoriented. It wasn't unusual first thing in the morning, so I just smiled like nothing was wrong and jumped off the bed to grab Ash's journal. That was my job now that we were friends again, fetching the journal every morning and making sure it was within Ash's grasp. Before doing anything, Ash would skim through the pages, familiarizing himself with the words and pictures. Some mornings were more difficult than others, and Ash would wake up confused and anxious, but after weeks of repetition, this daily ritual had become comforting. Depending on the day, Ash might just scan the pages, or he might keep reading close to an hour, but when he'd collected his thoughts he would put it down and face the day.

Getting dressed, brushing his teeth and running a comb through his hair were also routine, always done in the same order with little variation. They were actions that were predictable and Ash could control, and the ritual remained consistent from day to day, even if other things shifted and changed around him. If we were to go traveling again, morning and nighttime routines might be the only things that ever remained consistent.

But it seemed like Ash was more and more capable of handling his own life, and I was more adept at helping him when he couldn't, or so I'd thought. The events of last night had shaken my confidence a little. Did I really know Ash as well as I'd thought, and did he really feel like he could rely on me?

Maybe I had gotten too cocky... "Can I ask a few questions before we go to breakfast?" Ash nodded to Luke's request, and the two began discussing the need for patterns and consistencies in Ash's otherwise unpredictable life.

"And do you read your journal every morning?"

"Yeah, um, it reminds me of stuff and calms me down, calms me down," Ash replied, picking the book up. "Like, I forget things, but if I know it's all here, all here, then I don't worry..." He suddenly got a grin on his face, then opened the black book to the first page. "Today, you know, today is kinda special! This first page, see," he pointed to that first page, covered in doodles and stickers from Bianca, "I left the hospital, came back home!"

"Yeah," Luke said with fondness. He'd been there with us, and one of those early pages should have had a group photo that Trip had taken. "That was back in Unova."

Ash nodded enthusiastically and flipped the pages to the end of the journal. "But now, see, almost out of space, and then I have to get a new one, get a new one. Just enough for today, and maybe t-tomorrow. But tomorrow is the last day, the last day, that I have to see the doctors...well, maybe..." It wasn't just Ash, I was hopefully going to have my last appointment with Nurse Joy tomorrow as well. Before we went to the Pokemon League and any further travels, she wanted to evaluate me. But I didn't think there was any reason for her to bar me from that, and so I looked forward to her pronouncement of my mental health.

And Ash would be having his last appointment with his therapists, assuming everything went well. "They gotta make sure everything's still good here," he patted his head, "Still good here, after the surgery. And my speech th-therapy..." He stumbled over the word and flushed a little. "Still have to practice, you know, work hard but tomorrow's the last day!" Pointing again to the last page of his journal, he beamed. "It's like the last chapter! There was the first day, and the last day, last day! Now I can close the book, close the book, and start a new one!"

It was a profound observation, but I was suddenly struck by a realization that I knew very little about Ash's experiences with his therapy. In this book of his, I had been an antagonist until the later chapters, and barely present at all for some of them. Though I had tried to be involved in the beginning, I had been overwhelmed and often unwanted, and a great deal of my cognizance of Ash's medical needs were relayed by a third party.

I'd never once been to one of his speech therapy appointments since we'd arrived back in Kanto. I didn't have a clue what happened with his counselor, excepting the one or two times I'd spied on them in the hospital, or the time I'd directly attacked her patient. I hadn't been welcome to Ash's early physical therapy sessions, and hadn't taken initiative to change that until this last surgery in Viridian. Looking back over the months, it shocked me to realize just how little I understood what Ash had gone through.

That probably had a lot to do with his anger last night. "Well, that does it for now. You coming down to breakfast?"

"Yeah, uh..." Ash had caught sight of the desk, and pensively walked back to it. "Be down in a minute, in a minute..." Luke went on ahead, while I followed Ash's gaze to the blank white paper that just begged to be written on.

"Are you going to try again?" Ash nodded in answer to my question.

"Yeah, I'll catch up later..." There was nothing to do but leave him to it, though I thought I had an inkling of what he was going to write. Hopefully I would be able to come up with a better response than "Sorry I'm always an idiot."

Downstairs, Mr. Mime and Brock were serving up everyone breakfast, while Delia protested. "You know, it is my house, Brock. I don't mind doing the cooking from time to time."

"Now, now, Mrs. Ketchum, don't you know you deserve to be waited on hand and foot?" I wasn't sure if this was a compliment or just creepy flirting... there was sometimes a gray area when Brock was involved. But since Delia just laughed, I decided to ignore it as well and dig into the breakfast spread.

"Don't eat too fast!" Mr. Mime cautioned me, "Too much heavy stuff isn't good before a battle!"

"I have a separate stomach for breakfasts," I replied cheekily, and continued stuffing my face full of fruit until Ash came downstairs. I expected him to hand me the note that was poking out of his pocket, but he sat down at the breakfast table without bringing the subject up.

After a few minutes of eating, I leaned over and pointed to his pocket. "That for me?"

"Um, yeah, er... no..." Ash looked nervous. "I mean, it was, but now it's like... it's like, over, so don't worry about it. Don't worry about it, it's not a big deal..."

"Seemed like a big deal last night," I replied, ignoring Mr. Mime's giggly "That's what she said!" Ash looked hesitant, so I made his decision for him and swiped the note from his pocket.

"Hey!" he squeaked, waving his arms, and the rest of the room turned to us. "That's not, I mean, it's stupid, okay? Don't read it!"

"Look, if I did something to upset you, it's not stupid," I replied, keeping the paper out of his reach. "And how will I know how to fix it if you don't tell me?" I could tell Ash agreed, and he'd wanted to communicate this earlier. Why, then, had he changed his mind?

"Just... don't hate me, okay?" he mumbled, finally conceding his struggles for the note. "I was mad when I wrote that, I was mad, and it's over now, so whatever, right?"

"You two fighting?" Brock observed, and Ash shook his head emphatically. I joined in; this wasn't anything like a fight. I wasn't even sure what this was.

But, in a weird way, I liked it. Ash and I could argue, but not hurt each other. We could have points of view that the other didn't entirely understand, and still be friends in the morning. We could have conflict that didn't threaten to put a rift between us.

It felt normal, almost like it used to feel... I folded Ash's note and put it next to my plate, resolving to read it after breakfast. When I had a minute alone, I'd resolve this, apologize or put right whatever needed it, and all would be well. Because friendship was just that simple.

"Where's Cilan?" Sometimes. Ash was frowning as he peered into the living room. "He's not here, is he, is he?" Brock looked like he'd been hit by a Conkledurr.

"No, Cilan went back to Unova a while ago, remember?" I was beginning to wonder if he ever would, but everyone had been here for so long. Ash may have been thinking that all his visitors had just moved in with us.

"Oh," Ash thought about this for a minute, "Right, that's right... I forgot... sorry," he shrugged, and Brock tried miserably to pretend it didn't bother him. "Why did he leave? Did I do something, do something?"

"No, Ash, for the last time, you didn't do anything!" Brock snapped, but he toned his frustration down when Ash jumped. "Just accept that it's somebody else's fault, huh?" Ash didn't look willing to accept anything less than a full explanation, and Brock was eventually forced to give into his stares. "Cilan left because of me, Ash, because I was a jerk to him."

"Why?"

"Because, its easier to get mad at other people than face the fact that your friends might not need you anymore." Ash raised an eyebrow while everybody else pretended not to be listening in on the conversation. It was old news anyway, Luke was the only one who hadn't witnessed the fight or had to listen to Brock wail about what an idiot he was after the fact. "You really miss him, don't you?" Ash paused before nodding.

"But I don't like Cilan more than you. I like Cilan d-different than you..." he explained, frowning when Brock turned away. "You know, Cilan, he used to be like me, um... can't talk... I mean, he could, but he was scared, um, st-stuttered and quieter than his brothers, than his brothers..." I hadn't known that about Cilan. "He was shy, and stuff, so he gets it. I like Cilan because he knows how to be weak, how to be weak. Now he's strong, he can find his voice, so he knows how to listen to me-me..." Honestly, the image of a shy, stammering Cilan was completely incongruous with the boy who burst into song every time he saw a fishing rod, but it made sense that Ash would find a kindred spirit in someone who had overcome their own impediments.

"But Brock, you're always strong, always," Ash insisted, his friendly eyes wide and convincing. "Whatever happens, if I fall, you'll c-carry me. The stuff that makes... makes me weak right now, you don't know about it, you don't get it, so you pick me up until I'm okay again. That's, like, um, special, you know?" Still, Brock kept his back turned to us, though I thought I heard a slight sniffle. "You understand, right?"

"Yeah," a hoarse voice replied. "Just eat, okay? I'm trying to cut onions!" It looked more like an apple from where I was sitting, but if that was the mask Brock wanted to hide behind, so be it. Ash chuckled and let him get away with it, scarfing down his food so he could get off to training faster.

He shared a look with me before he dashed out of the kitchen, and a barely perceptible nod passed between us. After he was gone, I took his note out the the garden and started to read.

The end result was a little messy, with several indistinguishable words crossed out. I remembered the trouble he'd had last night, and knew that even if Ash's language was simple, the feelings must have been deep and important for him to expend so much effort describing them.

_Pikachu,_

_Last night I was mad. I didn't want to talk about stuff, but I shouldn't get mad about that, so sorry._

_But you said_ ('said' was crossed out and replaced by the word 'acted') _like you didn't know what I said to the friend with the camera. Nobody knows how to talk about it, it makes all my friends weird, but everybody knows it's there. I thought you did, too. It was kind of obvious._

_I know that I forget stuff, and I couldn't find you for a long time. My best friend was right beside me and I couldn't see him. But you could see me, couldn't you? So why didn't you help me?_

_I thought that maybe you didn't know how. When things got better and I knew you weren't missing, I thought that maybe you didn't know how to help me back then. Lots of people didn't know how to help me, because feelings aren't like breaking a leg, you can't see the hurting parts like that._

_But you didn't know at all. Even though you were right next to me, even though I was hurting and needed help, you didn't see any of it. Even though we were in that place together because you scared me, you didn't know, never asked._

_That feels really awful. Maybe I shouldn't feel like that, but it's like I always have to prove myself before you step in to help me, and I get worried. What are your plans, Pikachu? Because I need a lot of help. If we go traveling, are you going to take care of me? If I have to stop traveling someday, or not compete in tournaments anymore, or what if you need to leave someday? Before the accident, did you think about this stuff? And now that I'm broken, does everything change? Is this payback because I couldn't save you, or because I forgot you?_

_Do I have to do something to make it right? Because otherwise, it makes me mad. If you didn't ask about me back when I needed my best friend's help, it's weird to start asking about it now that things are better._

I sighed, and leaned back against the fence. I hadn't been too far off with my guess; but the problem wasn't with the events of last night but that there _hadn't_ been a problem until now.

Why hadn't I known about Ash's feelings and his struggles? Hadn't I been there, watching him melt down over the simplest things, picking fights with Ritchie and Gary for no reason or sobbing over the most meaningless obstacles? In fact, I'd caused some of his tantrums and meltdowns, how could I possibly have been surprised to hear Ash had emotional injuries after a life-altering accident? Common sense alone should have alerted me to the situation, plus I knew he'd been seeing a counselor and I had been there with him in the psychiatric hospital. Sent him there, actually.

So why was I only asking about it now? Why did I only become aware of it after Ash himself could talk about it openly?

I couldn't come up with an answer, and I couldn't even begin to tackle the rest of the letter. But, somehow, I was going to have to come up with something to tell Ash, because there was no reason for him to think that this was some sort of payback. I didn't blame him for anything, and I didn't want him blaming himself.

I walked over to Professor Oak's lab, and found the rest of the group assembling in the field by the fence. Sceptile's team was still drilling Ash on his vocabulary while having him jump over rocks, but the sun was growing higher in the sky and I knew our practice battle with Ritchie wasn't too far away. Everyone wanted a good seat, whether Ash chose to use them in the battle or not, and we'd finally see if we were ready to go to the Indigo Plateau.

Bulbasaur sat by the fencepost and I hopped down to join him. "What's that?" Bulbasaur asked of the letter in my hands, and I hid it behind my back.

"It's nothing." We quietly watched Ash running through his track, wincing whenever he caught his foot on a rock and took a tumble. But even so, he always got back on his feet with a grin. "He looks happy, doesn't he?"

I had mostly been speaking to myself, so I was surprised when Bulbasaur responded. "Yeah, I'm glad he's doing better." Oh, so I really had been the only blind one? "To be honest, I was really scared that... well, I guess I shouldn't say stuff like that..."

"No, say it!" I insisted, probably with a little too much urgency. Bulbasaur started giving me his scrutinizing look.

"Well, it just felt wrong, I guess," Bulbasaur confessed. "He was always playing and smiling, but it felt like he was drifting away, and nothing I did could reach far enough to pull him back. And then you, well, kind of attacked him. But I should have known that Ash was strong."

"He is," I echoed, feeling slightly adrift myself. Why hadn't I seen that? Except I had seen it, hadn't I? When I thought back, didn't I have thoughts like this? But why hadn't I done anything to help Ash? I didn't even ask him if he was okay...

"Charizard was good for him," Bulbasaur continued. "I don't know how, I mean, Ash can still be touchy around him, but I guess they must have connected about something."

"Good thing he was here," I intoned. Since Ash's self-proclaimed best friend wasn't around to do his job. Maybe I didn't have the right to claim all of Ash's secrets?

"Well, you never know what people will need when," Bulbasaur said with a warm smile. "So what's eating you?" I wondered why I even bothered to pretend in front of him.

"I thought you were getting sick of being my psychologist?"

"I am," came the frank reply. "But I'll be here as long as you need me." I felt like punching Bulbasaur's smirking face and crying in gratitude at the same time. He knew me way too well.

I held out the folded up letter Ash had written me. "I didn't notice how much he'd been suffering," I summarized. "All the weight he was carrying, he was in pain and I never had a clue, or lifted a finger to help him. He wants to know why." Bulbasaur mulled that over, before asking one very soft and direct question.

"Well, why didn't you?" I stared at him, feeling some sort of cold wave wash over me.

"I don't know. That's the problem." My feelings and thoughts over the past month had been so complex and twisted, I wasn't even sure how I'd felt at the time. When Ash was in the hospital everything was agony and home was even worse. With Team Rocket, I felt whatever they told me to feel and for so long after my rescue felt only numbness. "Did I know? Did I even care? I can't even-" feeling the sudden prick of tears, I stopped my tirade and sighed. "I don't know, maybe I was too focused on myself..."

Bulbasaur pursed his lips. "Well, it's only fair, right? Ash didn't exactly help you when you were in trouble, did he?" His words took me by surprise, and I could only gape at him. "I mean, he actually let you get kidnapped by Team Rocket, that's pretty bad. And then he neglected you until you had to terrorize him to get some help with your Stockholm Syndrome."

"I can't believe you just said that!" I almost pinched myself to make sure it wasn't a dream. "None of that was his fault! And he tried his best, you know he did!"

"Sure, but how long did it take before he started paying attention to your problems?"

"As long as it took!" I shouted back. "It was my own fault if I..." I trailed off when I saw the look in Bulbasaur's eyes. He was doing his reverse psychology thing on me, and I grimaced. Just this morning, Brock had chided Ash for always thinking things were his fault, and I'd been handed a letter detailing Ash's self-condemnation for my failure. How did I expect him to change if I did the same thing?

"I still should have been there for him..."

"Yeah, you should have," Bulbasaur said simply, and I wondered if this was another trick. "I should have, too. But I wasn't in Unova, and you were recovering from the accident. That's just life."

I snorted. "Recovering? A few hours with Nurse Joy and I was fine! Ash was the one who-"

"Don't you get it, Pikachu?" Bulbasaur interrupted in a voice that stopped me flat. "It's time you realized that Ash wasn't the only one crippled by that accident. And all anyone ever gave you were a handful of band-aids to cover up the gaping wounds." I wanted to protest, but couldn't when faced with the guilt in Bulbasaur's eyes. "None of us even knew there was a problem, until it was too big to ignore."

"But it's not your fault," I tried, and Bulbasaur tossed his head.

"None of this is anyone's fault, that's what I'm trying to say. It just happened. If Ash had been himself, he'd have noticed something was off with you and gotten you help long before you ended up on the self-destruction track. Or one of us would have stopped focusing on him and realized that he wasn't the only friend who needed help. But that's not how it happened. Ash had his hands full of his own problems, and they were easier for everyone to see than yours were. Which is how you ended up alone and dying from the inside out."

"I wasn't alone," I argued, since I finally realized that now. "You guys would have helped if I'd asked."

"That's not the point though, is it?" I looked down at the letter in my paws and conceded. "You know why Ash wasn't there for you when you needed him, and you don't blame him for it, right?" They were legitimate reasons; he'd been suffering from mental and physical ailments, memory loss, the inability to communicate. I terrified him at the beginning, and he hadn't been able to articulate why for the longest time. "But Ash doesn't know why you didn't help him. Just like you did, he probably thinks it's because you didn't want to, or you're mad at him. So tell him the truth."

"That I'm self-centered?"

"Pikachu, don't give me that crap." Uh oh, Bulbasaur was starting to lose patience. "Don't even try to tell me you weren't worrying about Ash every single hour of the day. But if you had a dozen broken ribs, Ash wouldn't blame you for not being able to battle, so you shouldn't be ashamed to tell him all the real injuries you had. You never had a shot of helping Ash until someone started helping you first."

A cheer went up from the other Pokemon, distracting both of us. Ritchie had arrived, and the battle was getting underway. "Thank you, I guess," I said to Bulbasaur, who smiled wanly.

"Just tell him the truth, and try not to beat yourself up," he advised. "Not every mistake needs a blood repayment." I almost laughed aloud, having just been thinking that this morning. Mistakes, fights, disasters, they would all happen, but it didn't have to drive me and Ash apart.

Time to practice what I preached. I made my way over to Ash, and his grin became a little tight when he saw me. "We need to talk."

Ash nodded. "After this, 'k?" After the battle worked perfectly for me. I his the note underneath a rock and settled down to for the battle.

"Ready when you are, Ash!" Ritchie called, and he sent out his Bulbasaur. Ash chose to meet that with Staraptor, and there was an immediate clash of Razor Leaf vs Whirlwind.

Staraptor was in fine form, as always, but Ash was holding up fairly well, too. Most of the attacks were called with minimal stuttering, and there was far less hesitation than before. Snivy's training of us seemed to have paid off as well, since all of us were dumbstruck when Ash called for a "sp-spinning dodge" but Staraptor knew he was asking for barrel rolls.

That didn't mean Ritchie wasn't a formidable trainer as well, and he had trained his Bulbasaur to move with all the speed of a Rapidash. "Vine Whip!"

"Fly up and Steel Wing!" Staraptor took quite the beating from Ritchie's Bulbasaur, and while he got in plenty of good hits of his own, eventually our proud bird fell to the dust.

"Staraptor is unable to battle! Bulbasaur wins!"

"Relax, it's only round one!" Torterra called out to Ash, echoed by the rest of us. There was nothing our team needed to be ashamed of in that battle. In fact, we were quite the opposite.

"Did you see that!" Staraptor kept saying in his giddy, half-delirious, post-battle state. Oshawott ran to find someone in the corral who knew Heal Pulse, since Staraptor refused to go in his pokeball or visit the lab until this whole thing was done. "He was great, wasn't he?"

"Yeah, great," Swellow teased, "You, on the other hand..." Staraptor Pecked him on the head. But the observation was correct; we'd lost that round because Ritchie and Bulbasaur were the better team, not because of Ash's physical limitations.

Hopefully, Ash could continue prove his mettle in the next round. "Pi-pika... Pikachu, I choose you!"

What? "Sweet! Payback is ours!" Corphish cheered, while I ran onto the field. I paused for a second in front of Ash, asking a small question with my eyes.

"Um, st-still use the small attacks..." he told me, and I nodded my compliance. But we would be using electricity, then. This would be our real test.

On the sidelines, Butterfree and Pidgeot backed up. "You guys might not want to get so close," they warned our friends, and I rolled my eyes at them.

"Oh, shut up." You have a couple accuracy problems at the beginning of a journey and no one ever lets you forget it.

"You've been gone awhile," Bulbasaur defended me, "Pikachu can hit a dime with that Thunderbolt now."

"Yes," Squirtle jumped in immediately with an evil grin, "And eight out of ten times nothing else gets massacred."

"Gee, better hope I don't get confused," I replied with my own snarky smile. "I hear turtles are super conductive..." Squirtle just laughed, even while some of our other friends looked uncomfortable. To them, it might have seemed mean to tease me about my Thunderbolt and it's accuracy in light of what happened with Ash, but to me, it was a relief. Squirtle and the others had been teasing me about my Thunderbolt since Kanto, and now that the joke had revived itself, it seemed like things were back to normal between us.

But I couldn't trade jokes and insults forever, not with such an important battle going on. To face me, Ritchie sent out Zippo, his Charmeloen. "Well, well, we meet again."

"Don't look so pleased, Indigo was a long time ago," I winked, and I sprung into battle with Ash's first command of Quick Attack.

Ash and I were a better team than ever, though our performance was hampered by my downgraded electricity. But aside from my electric attacks, Ash was the most comfortable battling with me, as we'd spent more time training together than anyone else. As a result, Zippo was getting more and more frustrated, unable to hit me before I slammed into him with Quick Attacks and Iron Tail.

It was the electric attacks, however, that gave our opponent ground in the beginning. Not because Ash had trouble calling them, but because they were so weak. "Are you serious?" Zippo called out after I fired Electro Ball. "That felt like a Bubble attack!"

"Hey, you worry about your moves and I'll worry about mine!" I couldn't deny, working so underpowered ticked me off. It was less efficient, I was expending energy where I didn't need to, and as the match wore on, exhaustion started creeping in. While Zippo was a tough opponent, I probably could have taken it out much quicker with a full powered Thunderbolt, and taken less damage to myself in the process.

As it was, I was barely hanging on. "Pikachu, Quick Attack!" But there was no choice but to keep pushing, keep running, keep dodging. Winning wasn't the object here, but testing Ash's capabilities. And if we learned that he wasn't ready to handle me at the levels needed for a League match, that was okay. We'd already come a long way in a short time, so I would be content to prove I trusted Ash, and follow his orders.

Content, but not really happy. Happy would require unleashing a full-powered Thunderbolt and winning this match in a blaze of glory. I think Ash also sensed that I was starting to lose. "Don-don't give up!"

"Ugh, trying," I grunted as I dodged Flamethrower for the millionth time. My low-powered Thunderbolt wasn't enough to counter, but all the dodging was wearing me out. I swung an Iron Tail that missed, and turned myself at the last second so I didn't end up rolling in the dirt.

"The vo-vo, ele-lect-triciy!" Ash called out, and I wasn't sure which attack he meant. Usually he was pretty good at commanding Electro Ball or Iron Tail. "Half-way, ok, halfway!"

"I don't know what you mean!" I called back, still running and dodging. What was halfway supposed to mean? Was this a strategy, like a feint? I tried that, firing a Thundrebolt that I never intended to connect, only to zoom in and whack Zippo with Iron Tail when he tried to dodge.

"Um, no!" Ash shouted, though his tone of voice indicated he was impressed. "Elect-elect-t-tr..." He was starting to fall apart, losing confidence. Will a silent prayer for him to hold himself together, I grit my teeth and tried to concentrate. What did he mean by half-way? "Your power, elect-tric power, um, up halfway!"

Oh. That was actually kind of simple.

Now that I understood my trainer's meaning, I began charging up my energy again. We couldn't go full power, I still needed to hold myself back, but I could bump myself up to half power and that would be enough to defeat Zippo. "Thunderbolt!"

"You got it!" I crowed, relishing the feeling of strength flowing out of me. I had absolutely no trouble hitting Zippo, and Ash and I didn't wait a second before following it up with Electro Ball. Taking advantage of Zippo's stunned state, I was able to finish the match with Iron Tail and await the call of the referee.

"Zippo is unable to battle! The match goes to Pikachu!" My knees were shaking. That battle had taken far longer than it should have, and I'd been through too much damage. My head started to spin, and it was all I could do to stay upright...

"Ash has chosen not to switch out his Pokemon! Ritchie is sending out-"

"No!" I hadn't meant to shout, but there was no way I'd make it through another match. The mere thought of it was enough to take the strength out of my legs. I flopped down on the ground, refusing to move, and after a few seconds of my obstinacy, Ash grew quiet. I don't think I fainted exactly, but I came very close to just passing out in the dirt while Ash ran onto the field to collect me.

As he picked me up in his arms, he whispered out, "Did I make a mistake, make a mistake?"

I groaned back at him just as quietly, "I'm tired, okay? This is as far as I go." Ash nodded and raised his voice back to normal.

"Ch-charmander, I choose you!"

"Darn it, kid!" I think Ash did that on purpose. Sticking out his tongue kind of gave it away. Despite my desire to lay down and never move for the rest of eternity, I reached out and swatted Ash's elbow with my paw.

"Hey, you're doing a great job. Really." Ash's sigh of relief gave me more energy than anything else.

He set me down by the fence, where Oshawott the wannabe medical doctor started fussing over me. A few berries and some healing attacks later, I was feeling up to engaging with the world again. "How are we doing?"

"Well, um..." Ritchie had countered Charizard with Sparky, and wasn't at all shy about using his electric attacks to their fullest potential. Poor, poor Ash... "He's holding his own." And he'd have to, if we were going to compete. Other trainers weren't going to stop using electric types just because Ash was afraid, and most of them wouldn't even know of his unique phobias. He could control me, but not the world at large.

Still, he was handling himself better than expected, though Sparky's Thunder obviously had him rattled. "Do you think we have a shot at the League?"

We all thought about that question while we watched Ash battle with Charizard. The skills were there, but Ash could still be thrown off his game a little too easily. My battle against Zippo should have been a lot easier than it was, and Ash was making some amateurish mistakes right now with Charizard.

But it wasn't awful. "There's still a lot of work to do, but there's no reason not to go," Toreterra reasoned. "Even if we don't make it very far this year, I think Ash still deserves to compete." I nodded, but inside I disagreed. After all the work Ash had done, he deserved to win. We all did, and we were so close to that threshold.

When Ash and Charizard were finally declared the winners over Ritchie and Sparky, I knew it wasn't a fantasy. We had the potential to win that whole tournament, and I was ready to do everything I could to make it happen.

"You know, I remember the days when I used to beat you," Ritchie grumbled, but it was in jest, and he was laughing as he shook Ash's hand. "Great job, Ash!"

"Still got a ways to go, to go..." Ash replied, but he looked pleased with himself, as he should have been. There had been a lot of flaws, but ultimately, he had been able to handle his pokemon in a proper battle, and the whole corral was filled with optimism. So much so that I'd almost forgotten about the note from earlier...

"Are you, um... did you rest?" Ash asked me, hands in his pockets and fidgeting. A part of me wanted to postpone the discussion and get some Super Potions from Professor Oak's lab, but after a good long rest on the sidelines I was fine, and I needed to settle this. The issue meant a great deal to Ash, and more and more, I was realizing how much I needed to say it, too.

I retrieved the letter, and Ash and I walked off to Ash's secret childhood retreat. Like so many times before, that place would be the safe haven to discuss these things. When we were both sitting comfortably on the grass, I unfolded the letter and prepared myself. I needed an understanding I wasn't sure I had, and I needed to make sure that every word I said was communicated properly. Like Ash, I also felt a wall between the feelings I wanted to share and the words my trainer understood. Usually, he understood my meaning well, but this was important. If it wasn't so personal, I might have flagged down Team Rocket to get Meowth to interpret for us.

I pointed to the last paragraphs of Ash's letter, the part that concerned me the most. "This stuff about payback, I'm a little worried that you always think that way," I began, being sure to point to the words I was talking about and use dramatic gestures, "Why do you think it's a punishment? You know I'd never do that to you!"

Ash looked away, the brim of his hat casting his eyes into shadow. "What about that time... against Silver, we lost the battle and you... didn't you want me to hurt and feel bad? Because I made you mad?"

All my thoughts froze. I couldn't even begin to back-track, to explain myself or lie or try to put a different spin on the facts because the icy horror had clutched my heart so tight it couldn't beat. Eventually, Ash sighed and gathered me in his arms. "I'm sorry, that wasn't fair."

"No, it was completely fair." I sighed as well, leaning my head against his chest and trying to see if I could blink without getting tears all over Ash's shirt. When it seemed I couldn't, I gave up on that endeavor and silently let them leak out the corners of my eyes while I listened to the beating of Ash's heart. It felt a little fast.

The letter remained on the ground, too light to press down on the blades of grass. It almost seemed to be floating, so weightless, like the barest breeze would blow it away and it would never disturb the spot where it landed. It seemed wrong, somehow, that such a letter didn't sink into the earth and leave an indent on the ground.

I pushed myself up a little, causing Ash to loosen his arms, but I still kept my paw on his chest. "I don't understand you very well," I admitted, "And I might never understand you. But," I patted his chest, hoping to emphasize my meaning, as it was so very important that this got through to him, "Just because I don't know what you're feeling, or I can't see what's right in front of me, that doesn't mean I don't care about you. Even if I make mistakes and miss things, you're precious to me, and I think about you every single day."

I don't know what Ash thought of that, because he just said "Okay."

I leaned back so I could see his face better, and tried not to tremble. Suddenly, I was feeling vulnerable and afraid, even with the most gentle and forgiving person I'd ever known. "I'm not trying to make excuses, but, I need to tell you something..." Ash's eyes were both questioning and wary, but allowed me to continue. All I needed was the courage. "After you rescued me from Team Rocket, you said there was something wrong in training. And you were right, but it started long before Team Rocket." Not that this let them off the hook for _anything_.

"Knew... I knew you were hurting, hurting, but" Ash began, but I interrupted him.

"You couldn't fix it. You didn't know how, and how could you?" I said, sure to keep my tone kind. This wasn't an accusation, just a fact. "Even if you understood the problem, I was pulling away, and you were in enough pain of your own." Ash frowned, but he didn't say anything as I lifted myself to gesture towards his cheek, where only the barest hints of scratches remained, invisible unless you knew they were there.

Ash flinched; he still remembered. "That day I hurt you, I wanted to die." I almost choked on the last word. I'd never said it out loud before, even back when Nurse Joy had been trying to counsel me. I couldn't admit to myself how far I had let my feelings take me. "And I would have, if Gary hadn't stopped me." He had interfered before I could destroy myself via pokemon battle, and I'd been guarded every minute afterwords, both for my own sake and everyone else's.

"I-I didn't know..." Ash stammered, genuinely surprised, "Didn't, sorry, I'm sorry..." I waved it off.

"The thing is..." I could feel Ash's eyes on me, even though I'd suddenly decided I couldn't meet his eyes for this, and became riveted on the stitching of his shirt collar. Delia really was a stellar seamstress. "After the accident, I changed, like my insides were filled with toxic sludge, or something." It was the best description I could come up with. "And no matter what happened, I kept feeling sicker, until everything felt poisonous. I hated myself, and I wanted you to hate me, too."

"But, why?" Ash was mournful. "I don't blame you, I said that..." But that wasn't the point.

"I don't know for sure," I confessed. "But when you got hurt, it seemed like my whole world died. Everything I'd ever believed in was a lie. And then Team Rocket came, and..." I had tried to speak calmly, detaching myself from my emotions as if they weren't part of the narrative. But now they threatened to overwhelm me. "I was just so sick of believing in lies," I strained agaisnt the urge to break down in sobs, "Everything hurt and made me miserable, even you, and I wanted to make it all go away. All I needed was an excuse." The horror in Ash's eyes proved that he'd understood the most important parts of that story. "That day, you were my excuse. I thought it would hurt less if you stopped loving me, or if I stopped loving you. Then, all the pain would go away..."

But, it didn't work. Because I would never stop loving Ash or vice versa, and all my efforts just gave me new things to hate myself over. The core problem always remained. "I'm so sorry, that I wasn't there for you when you needed me. You were suffering, and I kept making it worse." The time where Ash was most in need of his best friend, and I wasn't available. "But please, you have to know, it wasn't because I didn't love you." On the word 'love', I finally cracked, letting myself sob out my heart.

I was rarely this open to Ash, never wanting to be this vulnerable and always feeling like intimate words were lies on my tongue. Such strong words and feelings Ash could express easily, but I always second-guessed myself, preferring to err on the side of passivity than to say something that felt bigger than myself. I cared about Ash so much, but I couldn't say how much aloud. No words ever seemed correct, and admitting to too much might leave me conflicted and hurt. Past experience had taught me that, doubt and caution were safer. Let Ash take the initiatives, let him gut his heart first, and see how I reacted before committing to expressing a feeling.

But, if I didn't give these thoughts a voice, they would never become truly real, but forever blend in with the ugly shadows of doubt and insecurity. "I'm sorry that I hurt you, and that you felt alone. I wasn't able to be there for you, and I'll be sorry about that for the rest of my life, but-" somewhere in my apology, Ash must have embraced me again, but I didn't remember exactly when it happened, as everything seemed to wash away in my desire to reach him. "-but I'm here now! I'm here, and I'm listening! I want to help you, you don't need to prove anything, just tell me what you need!"

"Okay," Ash finally said, after a few minutes of me sobbing those words into his chest. "Get it, okay..." But he didn't say anything more, and we spent some more time together while I came down off my emotional ride. I would have liked it if he had more of a comment than that, since I had just opened my heart to him and had no real way of knowing how much of it had gotten through. There was a small fear in my mind that he hadn't truly understood me, or hadn't accepted it, and was just saying "okay" to get me to shut up.

But his embrace was warm, and his heartbeat was faster and wilder than before, and the combination of the two filled me with an inexplicable peace.

"Sorry I got mad," Ash finally whispered, and I snuggled closer to him.

"If you feel mad, then get mad. Cry when you're sad, do whatever you have to," I told him, even though my voice was a little muffled by the embrace. "I'm here now, so you don't have to hold things back." Ash was quiet for a minute, before leaning in closer.

"Are we gonna go traveling after the league?" I pulled away a fraction so I could look up at him. It seemed like such a non-sequitur. "If we do, I'll be in trouble. Every day will be different, different stores, different friends... I won't be able to remember it all. You'll have to take care of me, take care of me. Right now, I can see the doctors at clinics and in Valec-Viridian, but if we travel, then what? Will we find doctors, do I need it? Speech therapy, other therapy, will I be okay?"

Somehow, I got the feeling Ash wasn't really asking about the therapy. "If we go traveling, I'll be there," I promised him. "I'll help you with whatever you need. And if we come home and stay here, I'll still be by your side. Even when you don't want me anymore, I'll still be hanging around, watching over you." All those weeks where Ash couldn't bear to hear my name, and I still followed him. There was nothing that could break us apart now. "I don't always know what you need and how to help you, but I can learn that stuff. It's gonna be okay." Ash smiled, but there was a part of him that was still hidden from me. "What's wrong?"

Ash looked away. "I get... like, cracks...not really, but that's what it feels like, what it feels like!" I did my best to understand, even though the imagery was still lost on me. "If anyone sees the cracks, sees them, I fall apart, you know?" I didn't know, not really, but I wanted to.

"So you hide them?"

"It's like..." Ash looked frustrated just having to explain this, probably wishing I was a Riolu and he could just telepathically send over his feelings. "There's the me I'm supposed to be, and then this ends, that's what everyone says, right? Like, someday I'll be perfect like before, before I was broken, but I have cracks. You can put broken things together, but there's always cracks, always cracks and it still works, but... everyone sees where it was broken, where it was broken." Ash sighed, and I wriggled out of his arms when he tried to rest his head on his knees. "I think I'm fine, but then someone sees another crack, another crack, and I break apart again."

I patted his back and tried to be consoling. "No one thinks less of you. In fact, everyone's so impressed with how well you're doing." But that wasn't what Ash wanted to hear.

"I just want it to stop," he all but whimpered. "But it won't, it won't. I have too many cracks, can't even pretend it's okay. My whole life, even though I'm tired, I have to keep going and I'll always have cracks, it never stops..." I kept patting his back and trying to think of an intelligent response. I tried to see the world from his point of view, a looming road of hardship that stretched forever. There might be improvements along the way, but Ash had brain damage and his life would always be difficult. It was a battle with possible victories, but one that never truly ended.

"Kind of like being a Pokemon Master, huh?" The absent comment popped out of my mouth, and Ash stared at me in shock. He probably thought he'd misunderstood, but as I thought about it, the more the metaphor made sense. "It is, isn't it? Except, you know, Pokemon training is fun..."

"Umm," Ash still looked a little lost, but I was growing more confident in my thought. There was no trophy to win that declared someone a Pokemon Master, but that title was the culmination of a lifetime of experience, knowledge and growth. We might win battles or lose them along the way, but the road to being Pokemon Master would stretch before us our whole life long, and even if we achieved it, we could never stop pressing forward.

"I guess the question is what's your goal?" I reasoned, and Ash appeared to think about that. "You're always trying your best, but what's the purpose behind it?"

"I..." And here I lost Ash, because he broke down into his knees again. "I don't- don't know, not really..."

"Okay, okay," I soothed, rubbing circles on his back. "It's okay, you're okay..." I let him cry for a few minutes, before trying to speak again. "You know, my life used to feel pretty meaningless. I mean, it's nothing like what you're going through, but..." Not even close. My petty feelings of the past were nothing compared to what the two of use experienced in the last several months. "Before I met you, I didn't feel like there was a point to anything. I had nothing to fight for, but you convinced me to fight for you."

I had Ash's attention, even if he wouldn't lift his head up. "Whatever you're feeling, it's okay," I reassured him in a soft voice. "Because I'm here, and I've got you, just like you looked after me. You're strong, and you're going to be okay."

"Doesn't feel like that, sometimes," Ash mumbled into his kneecaps. "Like, today, felt great, battling, but it was hard, too, let you all down..."

"No, you didn't. Not even close." How did he not know that we sang his praises to everyone we met, bragging to the other pokemon in the corral that our trainer could win a Double Battle on the same day he checked out of the hospital for injuries he shouldn't have survived? That our trainer could teach a Pokemon Iron Tail at the same time he was trying to teach himself to talk, and could send a Water-type against a Grass-type with perfect confidence of victory? He hadn't been perfect while battling today, but he hadn't let us down, either. "I know things are hard for you right now, but it's not always going to be a death march. The things you used to fight for, you'll find them again and then all this stuff, the cracks and pain and whatever else you've got going on, it'll be like a Gym Battle." Ash tilted his head at the comparison. "Even if you lose, it just waits there for the day you beat it down. It's not a big deal at all."

Ash laughed aloud then, and scooped me into his arms. The tears didn't seem to have stopped, but I was glad to see his smile again. "Promise- promise you'll think that forever, okay, forever!" he demanded, "Gym battles, always think like that."

"Promise," I agreed, and his arms tightened around me, the mood growing slightly more somber.

"P-promise you'll love me forever?" was his quiet plea, as if there was any doubt of what my answer would be. "Just love me, okay, like this and I'll be fine."

That was something I knew how to do. "I promise."

* * *

><p>Ash finished packing up his backpack and hefted it onto his shoulders, but after a second of deliberation, changed his mind and dumped all the contents out to re-pack the whole thing. "Again?" I protested, with more humor than exasperation. "You keep this up and we'll never get on the road!" Any minute now, and our friends would be pounding on the bedroom door, trying to rush us out.<p>

"Gotta make sure I get everything..." Ash insisted, tossing out his socks to make room for more packets of hot cocoa that he'd snuck from the pantry. I just settled on the desk chair with a sigh and took the role of supervisor.

"Just don't forget that list the doctors gave you." Ash winced and scrambled to dig it out of the laundry basket, where it had been left in the back pocket of the previous day's jeans. "You're lost without me."

"Am not."

The list in question detailed the various medical resources available to Pokemon trainers and ways Ash could continue to check in with therapists and physicians while traveling. Apparently, Ash wasn't the only trainer dead-set on continuing their journey after a setback. But having the doctors tell us so was a relief; Ash and I had been worried that someone would tell us that we couldn't go traveling together, for whatever reason. I had worried that Nurse Joy would tell Ash I was mentally unstable and he shouldn't train me, and Ash had been worried that any one of his physicians would find a reason to bar him from the open road. We'd both been surprised to hear that not only was everyone encouraging our decision to journey together and challenge the Pokemon League, but even if they hadn't been, they couldn't have done a thing to stop us. They were ultimately our own lives and decisions to make.

It was a great feeling, but also a little daunting. I had kind of thrust responsibility onto other people, but now I had to evaluate myself and determine if I was truly ready for this. The answer was, of course, yes, but it was a different thing to be fully in charge of my own life again.

Or as much in charge as one could be with Ash Ketchum driving the crazy train. "We don't need, we don't need the clothesline and rubber hand things, right?"

"The rubber gloves?"

" 'Cause Brock has laundry stuff and dishes stuff."

I shrugged, "You'll regret if we have to make an impromptu grappling hook while rescuing over-charged electric types." Ash just blinked at me.

"I don't know what you said, what you said."

"You'll learn," I sing-songed, and he returned to packing the backpack with a suspicious look.

"Are you almost done?" Delia rapped on the bedroom door and let herself in. She appeared to be hiding something behind her back, and I peered to try and get a glimpse. "Everyone's waiting downstairs."

"Yeah, I..." Ash gave one last look at his backpack and decided he was done. "Got everything, I think..." Delia revealed the package behind her back.

"A present! I made some new clothes for your new journey!"

"Thanks, mom!"

"Get changed, and then hurry downstairs!" I went on ahead, saying goodbye to Mr. Mime and Silver's Chikorita before joining the traveling party.

"Oh, good, here's Pikachu," Misty announced. "Ash can't be far behind. What's taking him so long, though? I thought he'd be up and packed before sunrise."

"Well, he started his first journey late, right? Can't break tradition," Brock joked, and I agreed.

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!"

"In your case," Mr. Mime corrected, "The second cheese gets the mouse." Behind him, Luke had his camera set up, ready for filming, as Brock, Misty and Ritchie milled around with Tracey, Professor Oak and Ash's parents. We were going to be a larger traveling group than usual, but I was looking forward to it. The more the merrier, and when Ash was around, there was always more.

"Okay, okay, sorry I'm late!" We finally heard Ash bounding down the stairs, and he dashed out the door in his new outfit, a bright red jacket with white sleeves with a matching white and red hat over his black T-shirt and jeans.

"That's a new look," Misty commented. "Very bold."

"I wanted him to stand out at the League!" Delia cheered, even as Misty was whispering to Ash that he looked kind of like a stop sign. Ash just stuck out his tongue.

"We ready to go, to go?" he asked, but Silver stopped him before he could run off into the sunset.

"Wait, wait! Take this with you!" He slipped a flat, square case into Ash's hands. "Your friend Luke made that for me, just a little video explainin' some stuff."

Ash raised an eyebrow. "Explaining what stuff...?"

"Just some things I wanted you to know..." Silver ran a hand through his hair the same way Ash did when he was uncomfortable. "You don't have to watch it right away, or anything. It can wait until you're ready."

"Oh..." Ash nodded down at the Dvd case and slipped it into his backpack. "Got it, I'll...uh..."

"Like I said, when you're ready. No rush." He managed to get a handshake out of Ash though, and then Delia threw her arms around Ash's shoulders.

"Don't forget to change your underwear! Every single day!"

"G-got it, Mom..."

When we said our goodbyes to Professor Oak, however, he had a message for us. "I've been meaning to remind you, Ash, Pikachu's data needs to be re-entered into the system."

"Re-enter the... what system?"

"Because his Pokeball was destroyed." Oh. That. My heart and stomach plummeted to the ground. "And then he was recaptured by Team Rocket."

"Oh, we d-destroyed that, we destroyed... I think we did, right?" Ash asked me, and I confirmed it, but I could see what the problem was.

"Even so, Pikachu isn't registered to you anymore. If you want to use him at the Pokemon League, you'll have to change that." And there was only one way... "The League has become very strict on their rules of late." When he saw my face, he back-peddled. "Of course, there's no need to worry about that right this second, I just wanted to make sure you knew!"

"Right..." Ash looked at me, hesitation on his face. He knew my dislike of pokeballs, an aversion that had only increased since allowing Team Rocket's boss to seal me in one. But if I wanted to compete in official matches, I would have to stomach it.

"Just do it now," I sighed, not looking forward to the prospect. "You'll have to catch me eventually, right?" Ash nodded, and he pulled out a pokeball and set in on the ground.

I missed my old one, with the little lightning bolt. It wasn't particularly comfortable and I hadn't been inside it since the day Ash let me out, but it was still special. It was a physical reminder of that first day, of the bond I shared with Ash.

It couldn't be helped, though, so I pressed the little button and let the red beam of energy wash over me.

I felt my matter reorganizing, felt myself become converted to energy. Many pokemon found it relaxing, as if just resting in this state could nourish and heal them. But there was a special case for everything, and I was it, only growing more uncomfortable by the second. Even though I knew Ash was going to let me out of the pokeball and we'd never have to worry about any of this again, I could barely stand the situation.

When I rematerialized, everyone looked confused. "Thank goodness that's over," I laughed, but Ash's face didn't share any mirth.

"I don't understand, the pokeball didn't even shake once," Misty said, and I realized that it hadn't worked.

"What do you mean, I'm not captured?" I demanded, immediately turning to Professor Oak. "I volunteered, didn't I?" Did this mean I still belonged to Team Rocket? Was there a limit on how many times someone could capture you?

How ironic; people were always capturing me when I didn't want them to, but the one time I agreed with the plan, it wouldn't work. "It could just be that Pikachu's very strong and very stubborn," Professor Oak explained, and I gave him the evil eye. "You could try battling first." Ugh, no. Let me get through this with some dignity.

Ash also looked uneasy at the thought of battling me. "I dunno... I mean, you don't like pokeballs much, so... I guess it's not a big deal, not a big deal, right?" he changed the subject, putting on a smile that I knew wasn't real. "If you don't want to, shouldn't have to, we can still battle other times..."

"Hold on," I sighed, steeling myself. This wasn't just about getting my data in the computer or being registered to Ash. None of that stuff really mattered, and a pokeball was just a pokeball, even if it didn't have a cool little thunderbolt painted on it.

But me proving to Ash that I wanted him for my trainer, proving that being his best friend was more important than an object the size of a baseball, that was worth swallowing some pride for. "Try it again. This time it'll work."

Ash lobbed the pokeball at me, and this time, I tried to relax. So what if being inside a pokeball made me uneasy, so what if I was a special case? I trusted Ash, and there was no need to be afraid. I wanted him to train me, and I wanted to fight battles at his side. But to be partners meant that there needed to be compromise, and Ash couldn't be the only one facing his fears and enduring things he'd rather avoid. And to be taught by a Master, or a future one, required submission.

And in this one instance, being submissive didn't seem like such a weak trait.

As I'd promised, this time the Pokeball wiggled three times before snapping shut, and while the feeling of confinement grated at me, there was also a euphoric sense of joy. Ash and I were connected again, I belonged to this team, and all was right with the world.

Ash had me out of the pokeball in seconds, and I was back in the much preferred position on his shoulder as we waved goodbye to Pallet Town and all the memories we'd made there.

"Onward to the Indigo Plateau!" Brock cheered, but Misty interrupted him.

"Wait, do you see that?" We all followed her gaze to see a large, pink circular Pokemon with a microphone peering from behind a rock.

"Jiggly! Puff, puff!"

"Run for it!" Only Ash and Luke seemed oblivious to the danger.

"Hey, I've never seen this Pokemon!"

"Gonna catch it..."

"Don't you dare!" We grabbed their arms and tried to drag them to safety, but it may have been too late, the echos of Jigglypuff's song in our ears as we blazed down the road.

The adventure had begun...


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21: 少しずつ進化してる 昨日と違う自分に出会えるさ (Little by little, I evolve, so I can meet a me who's different from yesterday...)

* * *

><p>The Indigo Plateau was just the same as I remembered it, with hundreds of trainers milling around, a sprawling village to house the trainers and their families and nowhere near enough Pokemon Centers to accommodate everybody's pokemon in a timely manner. We passed the torch-runner carrying the Flame of Moltres on our way, and also managed to catch up with Mr. Goodshow, much as Ash shied away from the conversation. I think it made him uncomfortable to meet yet another person from his past and tell them how much things had changed.<p>

As fun as it was too see old friends and walk through old memories, I began urging everyone in the direction of the main center. I couldn't deny, I was feeling restless and impatient, as if every extra second spent in "travel" mode would be a second too long. Luckily, I wasn't the only one who felt that way, and those who didn't agree with me mistook my frustration for excitement.

True to form, we made it to the registration desk with barely enough time to spare, and managed to get Ash entered and set up with a room key. I was ready to run off to the Trainer's Village and collapse the second Ash had the key in his hand, but then Ritchie decided to enter as well, not being able to sit by and watch a tournament when he could participate himself. And once we got that settled...

"Look out! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!" I heard the familiar shrieking and tried to warn Ash, but it was inevitable. Bianca tore across the Pokemon Center lobby, slamming into Ash and knocking him into the fountain. Despite her forthcoming apologies, Ash's face matched all the indignant Magikarp that had been swimming in the fountain.

"Karp, Karp! This is our place! Karp!"

"Yeah, what are you doing? You can't swim!"

"Oh, calm down, they didn't mean it," I sighed to the fish, while Bianca and Brock helped Ash out of the fountain.

Luke laughed a little, even when Ash glared at him. "I think I have enough footage of you knocking Ash into water that I could make a whole separate movie."

"Ooh, can I be the star? Please?" Ash looked very much like he wanted to dunk Bianca's head underwater, but he resisted the urge and eventually began to laugh along with her. At a much more relaxed pace, Gary strolled into the Pokemon Center.

"It's getting late, Bianca, you gonna register or what?"

"Oh!" Bianca jumped up, almost knocking Ash back in the fountain. "I almost forgot! Nurse Joy!" She dashed off to the registration desk, and Ash let out a sigh of relief. My own sigh was in resignation. Now we had to wait for her, too...

"I take it she got all eight badges, then?" Brock asked, and Gary nodded.

"It was kind of a miracle, but yeah. Can't say how she'll do in the tournament, but she wanted to be here pretty badly."

"It was nice of you to drive her around, though," Misty commented, wincing when we heard Bianca's squeals of delight in the distance. "Must have been a long car ride."

Gary looked over at Bianca, now jumping up and down with delight and shrugged. "She's not the dumbest girl I've ever road-tripped through Kanto with..." Ash had taken a break from toweling his hair and was now trying to get Gary's attention. "What's up?"

"Are you gonna enter the t-tournament, gonna enter the tournament?" Gary shook his head and Ash's face fell.

"Naw, I don't compete anymore," he replied, even as Brock and Misty rolled their eyes. "I'm trying to be a researcher now, remember?"

"Oh..." Ash seemed disappointed and Gary actually looked sympathetic, though he covered it with an arrogant smirk.

"You beat me once, but don't push your luck. It was a one-time deal."

"Prove it," Ash retorted, but he relented when Gary didn't change his mind. "Sorry, I-I forget we're not rivals anymore..." Gary's face darkened then, and though he was silent, his fists clenched and unclenched several times.

Finally, "Darn it, Ketchum!" He stomped off to the registration desk grumbling about how even as a kid Ash got whatever he wanted. "Don't think it'll be so easy!" Gary shouted over his shoulder at us, even while talking with Nurse Joy. "My Pokemon are just as strong as ever, I can still beat you!" And now we had to wait for Gary. At this rate the day would never end.

"Isn't this great? We're all gonna enter the tournament together!" Bianca cheered, and Ash grinned along with her but it seemed a little forced. His joy was genuine, but he looked tired and tense and he wasn't the only one. After Gary finished registering, I ushered everyone outside and along the road to the Trainer's Village.

We found our rooms with little difficulty, a small cabin on the outskirts of the village, and began dumping backpacks and claiming rooms immediately. But once that task was done, every member of our traveling party decided to split ways.

"I thought I saw some cool little gifts shops on our way in, so I'm gonna check them out," Misty announced, and Ritchie followed after her.

"Hey, I'll go with you. Be back soon!" Before anyone else could comment, the two were out the door, and Brock was pulling pots and pans on his backpack.

"Well, I'd better get started on dinner!" Actually, we'd originally planned to go out to eat as soon as we arrived at the League. But, "Too many chefs spoil the broth, so you guys just leave it to me, okay!" And he was outside setting up tables before anyone could argue.

Not that anyone would. "I'm going to try and get some editing done," Luke informed us before heading into one of the bedrooms. The door closed behind him and left only me, Ash, Gary and Bianca in the living area.

"Huh, I was hoping to chat with everyone," Bianca whined a little, but her good mood snapped back instantaneously. "Well, I guess we can do that at dinner!" She threw herself on the couch and bounced a little, squeaking out how excited she was to be at a real tournament, while Ash just leaned into the couch and closed his eyes.

I wasn't surprised that everyone had taken off. I shared the sentiment; it had been a long trip to the Indigo Plateau, and we all needed a break from babysitting Ash.

Of course, phrasing it that way was misleading, as Ash was far from helpless, but this was a new experience for him and he was still adjusting. For now, he still needed us within arm's reach while he navigated this new territory. There had been a small meltdown along the way and while it had only been the one, there was still tension in the air and a constant need for comfort and assistance.

To be fair, I think Ash needed a break from us as well. Traveling with people meant there was always someone nearby when things got tough, but it also meant there was always someone nearby when you felt overwhelmed and needed to be alone. But none of us were going to be able to have our way all the time, and we were just going to have to learn how to compromise with life. I hopped onto the couch and sympathetically patted his arm. "How are you holding up?"

Ash rolled his head over to me and gave me a tight-lipped look that said it all. Too many new things at once, many of which should have been familiar to him but weren't. He was getting overloaded. "'m fine..." he sighed and flopped back again. "...jussss tired from walking, walking..." I patted his arm again and would have resolved to leave him alone, had Gary and Bianca not descended upon the couch to spend time with their friend.

Bianca kept up her steady stream of chatter. "Ooh, I was going to tell you! One of the gyms I went to was in Celadon City, and they remember you, Ash! You never told me you used to wear dresses! You were super cute!" Ash didn't appear to have any memory of this at all, which was a pity. I think the incident embarrassed him a little, but I remembered it as an extremely fun day full of storybooks, gym battles and Ash getting in touch with his feminine side. I didn't know the full story of Team Rocket and the "desperate measures" taken to get Ash into the gym until later, because those were the days where Ash and I had separate lives that only ran parallel, intersecting occasionally.

Now, Bianca would probably be pleased to know, Ash and I were roped into all costume incidents together, just like every other incident. Nothing touched one of us without the other being involved, which is why Brock had enough blackmail material on both of us to last a lifetime.

Gary also seemed to find the tale of Celadon Gym amusing. "Why is it that I hear all these great stories from other people, hmm?" he grinned at Ash, but stopped when it didn't get a rise out of my trainer.

In fact, Ash looked a little pained, something that Bianca didn't notice at all. "There's so many cool pokemon in this region! I saw all these Butterfree, and a school of Magikarp, and they just flop around but Gary told me if you raise them well they'll evolve into this huge dragon! I couldn't catch one, though..." I tried to send her signals with my eyes to be quiet, since it had been a long day and Ash didn't seem in the mood for all her babble, but she didn't pick up on it. "Oh! That reminds me! I saw so many dragon pokemon that aren't Dragon Types! Does Iris know? She'd probably cry!"

"Pikaa," I began to tell her to be quiet, but Ash stopped me by pulling me into his lap.

"What else, what elssse did y-you ssssee?" he asked, tiredly slurring his words a little and only sounding half interested, but it was enough to launch Bianca off on another long tale. I looked up at Ash to see that he wasn't really paying attention, and wondered why he'd bothered with this.

But even though he looked tired and like he only had the barest vestiges of patience left, there was a flicker of a smile at the side of his mouth, and it hit me. Bianca's behavior was exactly the same as it had always been, just as enthusiastic and just as annoying. She treated Ash as she always had, like everything was normal and nothing was wrong with him. That meant something, that was valuable to him.

Of course, even if he appreciated it, that didn't mean he could tolerate it, and after a few minutes of babbling Gary rescued us all by declaring he wanted to watch TV. "I think Joy said they were showing highlights from last year on Channel 2..." It was a brilliant plan, and we all settled back into the couch and relaxed, the pressure lifted from everyone's shoulders. With everything peaceful and someone else to keep an eye on my trainer, I finally felt guiltless in running off on my own. I took refuge in an empty room and fell asleep the second my head hit the pillow.

* * *

><p>My dreams were not as pleasant as they could be. They started off benign and realistic, and my eyes would flicker open with the fleeting question as to whether or not Luke had just been in here a second ago, or if a flock of Pidgey really were performing "Greatest Hits of Brittany and the Igglybuffs" outside. But after awhile, my sleep grew deeper and my thoughts more sinister.<p>

I dreamt of a tornado outside the cabin, everybody running and screaming for cover, while my movement was as slow as molasses. When the roof collapsed, all I could think of was how I should have been with Ash, but had selfishly run off by myself. I had promised to protect Ash, I shouldn't have left his side for an instant...

Luke was the one who woke me up, saying that Brock had finished with dinner and everyone was heading outside. Indeed, the smell was too strong and savory to ignore, but it took a few minutes for me to shake off the dream and regain my appetite. I took my time leaving the cabin, trying to remind myself that these were just dreams, not real. And even if it had happened, I couldn't watch over Ash every second of the day, nor was I expected to. There would be disasters no one could prevent, but I didn't have to torture myself over them in dreams.

I told myself that, but the uneasiness lingered in the back of my mind. Still, my appetite had returned and I joined Ash, Bianca, Gary and Luke outside for the spread. "Just help me set the table first," Brock commanded, and this we did happily, eager to tear into the wide variety of culinary masterpieces. Brock had outdone himself, with a big pot of his signature curry alongside "Brock's Rockin' Rice", both vegetable and fruit salads, a pie, macaroons, several delicate pastries, and some unidentifiable dish with a beautifully twisted, flaky crust that appeared to be filled with vegetables and crumbled cheese.

About half of the meal was usual fare from Brock, but the other half was definitely not so, and Misty said so when she and Ritchie returned. "Experimenting a little, are you?"

"Well, I had to call in some help," Brock revealed with a grin, and he turned to Ash. Ash looked surprised, but I saw what Brock was grinning about, and tried to keep my giggles to myself when Cilan crept up behind Ash and flung his hands over my trainer's eyes.

"It's guessing tiiiime!" he hollered, and Ash ceased his surprised struggling and went still.

After a profound second, he began to jump and wave his arms. "...you! You!" he shrieked, and Cilan released him. "C-Cilan, you're here!"

"Of course! I am a connoisseur of reuniting, didn't you know?"

"Ugh, sometimes you're a bigger kid than Ash," another familiar voice called, and Iris stepped out from around the side of the cabin. Like with Cilan, Ash had a huge reaction full of grinning and dramatic waving, but since he didn't seem able to come up with a name beyond "you" and "the hair", Iris had to help him out. "It's Iris. How've you been?"

"Good, good, hi Iris!" Ash greeted, then immediately ran forward to inspect her hair. "Um... isn't, um... not here? The friend...?" Axew slunk timidly from Iris' mane, only to be pet and coddled by Ash until surrender was the only option. Axew jumped into Ash's arms to receive attention more conveniently, while the rest of us wondered why Cilan and Iris were here.

"Well, we wouldn't miss Ash taking on the Pokemon League," Cilan declared, as if this was a crime of the highest order. "So when Brock invited us over, we came right away!"

"Yeah, but we had to take the long way around 'cause someone wanted to ride the Magnet Train a couple dozen times..."

"HAVE YOU SEEN THAT TRAIN?! IT IS A THING OF BEAUTY, WORTHY OF A TRAIN CONNOISSIEUR'S RECOGNITION!"

"He was like this the whole way," Iris sighed in her long-suffering way while Cilan tore off into his descriptions of the Magnet Train's wonders and Misty patted Iris' shoulder in sympathy. But there was an affection in Iris' eyes that struck me, and I wondered if it had been there all along, masked by her disdain for our constant childishness.

When Cilan finally stopped pirouetting in joy, Ash spoke up, "So, you guys," he gestured to Cilan and Brock, "You guys are okay now, right? It's not wrong anymore?" Brock and Cilan shared a look.

I don't know what passed between them, or what Brock's phone call to Cilan entailed, but there was no longer tension between the two of them, over their cooking or anything else. "Nothing's wrong," they replied, and it was the honest truth.

Everything was right again, with our friends united. It was enough to chase any remaining doubts from my dream back into the shadows. We sat down and devoured the meal with gusto, discussing everybody's travels and activities while we'd been apart, even though it felt like we hadn't been separated for more than a second. "Well, Gary and I drove up here-Oh! Iris, Cilan! I didn't show you my gym badges!- but I'm not sure how we're getting back..."

"Part of the deal with my sister was she got to borrow my car after she dropped us off," Gary bemoaned. "She's off in Saffron City, but she never actually said she was going to come back for us..."

"So, we might be walking back to Pallet Town..." Meanwhile, Iris and Cilan were dumbstruck.

"You have a _car?_"

"I know, right?" Brock muttered, but Gary just laughed.

"Some of us know how to journey in style!"

"You can't even drive yet!"

With everybody's attention so divided, Ash seemed much more comfortable than he had earlier in the afternoon, when all our friends were so focused on him and him alone. He seemed relaxed, and joked around as if there were no fears or impediments. It was reassuring to see, and I hoped that the future would hold more of this for him.

"So, who's all competing? I know Bianca and Ash are..."

"And then Gary and I are competing, too." Ritchie finished.

"Competing? Please, I'm winning that thing!"

"Are not, are not," Ash sang, "World's Greatest Pokemon Master, remember, I'm gonna beat you..."

"Ash, you couldn't beat an egg." Somehow, this turned into a competition of who could run to the Pokemon Center the fastest. I wasn't quite sure how that happened, but when Ash and rivals were involved it was better not to question the logic. Though I tore off with Ash, Ritchie and Bianca while Gary only expressed disinterest, he still managed to be waiting in front of the Pokemon Center when we arrived.

"H-how did you...?"

"Ha! Losers!"

After resting up with Joy, the evening began to wind down, and we returned to the cabin at a much more leisurely pace. The talk began to turn to the battles tomorrow, and the strategies needed. "What field are you guys fighting on first? I got assigned to Rock," Ritchie said. Gary replied that he had gotten Ice and Bianca mournfully declared that she had the Water field and had no idea which pokemon to use.

Meanwhile, Ash couldn't remember which field he's been assigned to. "You got the Grass field," I had to tell him, hoping this lapse wasn't indicative of our chances tomorrow. Gary just laughed at us.

"We all know Ash doesn't think these these through! As long as Pikachu gets him to show up at the right field, he'll be fine!" That was only slightly true. If there was ever a time when Ash took his planning skills out of the closet and dusted them off, it was for the Pokemon League. I couldn't say I wasn't a little worried.

But there was nothing to do about it but hope. Meanwhile, Bianca was worried about her own chances. "I wanted to use Emboar, but if the field's going to be water, he can't move around much," she told us, waving her hands a little. "But I don't have a Water-type. Then, I thought that everyone will use a Water-type so I should use Emolga's electricity, unless they think I'll bring an Electric-type and bring Ground-types..." The more she talked, the more distressed she became.

"But Emboar is your best partner, best partner, right?" Ash eventually asked, "So you should believe in Emboar..." Both Gary and Ritchie stared.

"Ash, you do realize that the Water field is made of _water_, right?" But Bianca clapped her hands and thought it was masterful advice, resolving to believe in her Pokemon and do her best with Emboar. After she left to go change into her pajamas, Gary sighed. "I guess it doesn't really matter. She doesn't have any pokemon who can swim, anyway..."

Before going to bed, Ash plunked down at the computer for a strategy session of his own. His opponent didn't appear to specialize in any particular type, and so we really couldn't be sure what to expect. "Have to choose you, have to choose you," Ash muttered under his breath as he decided, "First battle, need you there..."

I knew what he meant, but thought I should remind him he was still in the beginning brackets. "You only get to pick three, so make sure you consider all the options," I pointed to the rule pamphlet to get my point across and Ash skimmed over it. He eventually decided on Donphan, Charizard and myself, and jotted those choices down on a notepad.

"I'm kinda worried," Ash confessed, resting his head on his fist. "Everyone says 'do your best, not a big deal', but it is a big deal, it is a big deal... to me, this matters a lot." I patted his arm.

"You'll be fine," I told him. "You're good at this, so-" I stopped abruptly, realizing he had started crying. "What's wrong?"

'Nothing's wrong," Ash laughed, wiping at his face. "Just a long day, long day..." When I looked suspicious, he smiled at me. "Really, fine, just everything finally stopped, you know? Like... I dunno, whoosh..." a gesture accompanied the sound effect, and it seemed to imply relief and release.

Maybe it really had just been a long day. Maybe I was the only one having stress dreams. "Are you really okay with all this?" I asked, "Because if not, you need to tell me." That was my job, to make things okay. If this tournament was too much, too soon, if Ash felt he couldn't stand up to the pressure, I would do what was necessary to help him.

"Am I okay, that's what you asked?" Ash tilted his head, but he nodded. "Yeah, I think, I mean... it's like swimming, too many people and words and feelings, not like home... but I'm not drowning yet, not drowning yet..."

"Well, okay then..." Maybe I was over-reacting. I just didn't like to see him cry, and it felt like something was always waiting to jump out and send us back into that. It was hard, what we were trying to do, and I couldn't pretend that wasn't the case.

"The ceiling's wrong," Ash broke through my thoughts, looking up at the ceiling. "That's it, right? 'Ceiling'? Up there?" I nodded, and Ash pursed his lips. "When I look up, it's always different. Joy is the same, friends are the same, I'm the same, but the ceiling is wrong..." Ash trailed off and I wondered if there was a point to his observation.

Perhaps there wasn't one. The roof continued to hover over us regardless of what we thought it should look like. "You'll wake me up tomorrow, right? And make sure I choose these guys, these guys?"

"Pika."

"And tell me when... when you get tired... because the ceiling looks wrong or too many people or there's a battle tomorrow? Tell me?" When I looked at him, I suddenly realized how tired I actually was.

The past few days had taken a lot out of me, hiking through the woods, explaining to Ash why all the Pokemon Centers were different but the nurses were all the same, and all the while being available to comfort Ash if he found the situations overwhelming. I was always positive, I was always aware, and only now was it really starting to catch up with me.

"Pi..." I didn't really answer his question, but I don't think I was ever expected to. Ash pulled me into his arms and I surrendered my role of caretaker. He could take that job back for a bit, and I could stop worrying about him. We had made it to our destination, passed one of the checkpoints, and I had earned a small rest.

Next time we traveled, it would probably be easier. Tomorrow's battle would be hard, but the next one would be easier. Even if we lost, we'd learn how to handle it better and it wouldn't drain so much energy.

"Hey," I reached out my paw and swatted at Ash. "We did it." We'd made it to Indigo Plateau. We were registered for the tournament. We had climbed up over every mountain we'd set out to conquer and proved we could function as a team, taking care of each other.

All that was left was to win. I fell asleep to Ash petting my fur and I didn't think about what the ceiling looked like above us.

* * *

><p>"Today's match promises to be an exciting one, folks! Both the challengers are experienced trainers and have competed in major tournaments throughout the world! In the Red corner we have Ash Ketchum, who definitely dressed the part! Don't let his age fool you, this kid's not only brought home a trophy from the Orange Crew, but won against our own Battle Frontier! But his opponent's no slouch either..."<p>

Game day. The first match of the Indigo League Conference. I could almost taste victory.

So could Cilan, apparently... "Inhale the flavor of triumph and marry it with spicy heat!" His voice carried from the sidelines a little too well... "Overpower that bland dish!"

"What the- did that waiter just call me a dish?" our opponent asked, and Ash and I decided to pretend that we didn't know Cilan for a few seconds. All our other friends were doing the same, inching away and trying to blend into the rest of the crowd, for all Cilan seemed to care.

"Young Julia even managed to come in second place at the Silver Conference last year! Ketchum better keep his wits about him in this next match!" After handshakes and other preamble were over, Ash and I took our place on the red side of the grassy field, with Julia waiting on the other side. I looked up at my trainer, who was pulling a pokeball from behind his back, and I grinned. "Ready?"

"... I dunno..." That wasn't such a great thing to hear seconds before the match started.

"Challengers, release your pokemon!" Both Ash and Julia threw out their pokeballs, releasing Donphan and a Flareon. The type was with us, at least, but Ash still looked nervous. I couldn't understand it, he'd been so confident before, and he loved Pokemon Battles more than life itself.

"Flareon, Take Down!"

"G-go, D-do-donphan!" Donphan led Flareon on a chase for awhile, rolling and spinning it's way around the field and effectively dodging every attack. But Ash, for some reason, never called a proper attack of his own. "Um, use, use...um..."

"Are you okay?" I whispered, knowing that I wasn't really supposed to be interfering. I was allowed to stand in the trainer's box with Ash if I'd been registered for the match, and I'd never heard a rule against cheering my teammates on, but there were a few limits. Generally, Ash didn't make physical contact with me when the match was in play, and I didn't give advice or call orders to him or the other pokemon. Some leagues were more liberal about that, but we respected the rules and the ideals behind them.

Even so... "Is something wrong? You haven't called any attacks..." But Ash just shook his head.

"D-don-donphan, r-roll-rollout!" Donphan was ready to obey, but Ash had taken enough time to call his order that Julia and Flareon were able to counter with Mud-slap. "No! Uh, move, move out of the... from behind, come around from behind!" It took Donphan a few seconds to shake off the mud and obey, but it was able to connect a good hit with Rollout.

Unfortunately, Rollout's real power was in moves hit consecutively, and Ash wasn't quick enough on the draw. Donphan was only getting in one attack for every two of Flareon's, and many of the attacks were missing. "Really, are you okay?"

"I-I dunno, I um, D-don-Rock Smash!" The new strategy hit, but Flareon wasn't down. It came back with a Fire Spin, and though it probably didn't do a lot of damage, it did trap Donphan so it couldn't dodge the subsequent Headbutt. "Donphan!"

"Breathe, okay? Breathe, you can get out of this!" Ash was starting to hyperventilate, and it wasn't helped by Flareon's attacks sending Donphan flying over and over.

"Nnnn...!" Ash was waving his arms, but no intelligible words were coming out of his mouth, and when I caught his eyes, the absolute horror in them told me all I needed to know. This was so much grander than a battle with Ritchie in Professor Oak's corral, and the pressure had cracked him.

"Don't worry, I'll be okay!" Donphan cried out, and before I could stop him, Donphan was launching attacks of his own. "I'll beat them, Ash, don't worry!" I wanted to shout out that this wasn't the point, but Donphan was beyond earshot, zipping around the field and connecting attacks with no help from his trainer.

The sad part was how well he was doing, but eventually Flareon and Julia tricked him into a corner and trapped him again with Fire Spin. "No!"

"It's okay, it's okay, we're not behind yet," I tried to soothe, and Ash tried to hold his last shreds of confidence together.

"D-don-don-phan, return!" Though his pokemon was still able to battle, Ash recalled Donphan with shaking hands. It was probably a good idea, we weren't getting anywhere with this. Ash tried to take my advice and breathe, but I'm not sure it was working.

"Calm down, you've done this before, it's just like battling Ritchie," I lied, suppressing my own feelings. "It doesn't really matter if we lose, it's just a game. The field's just bigger, that's all."

Ash nodded, but his eyes said he didn't believe me. "Ch-Charmander, Charmander, go!"

"You've got to be kidding me!" Charizard growled when he came out, and I tried to fix him with a look, but he never turned around. "Well, whatever, let's smoke 'em!"

"Char-Char, um, Flamethrower!"

"They're fighting fire with fire in the Red corner! Will Charizard succeed where Donphan couldn't?"

So far, no. "Flareon, Mud-slap!"

"Um...!"

Just as before, Ash was having trouble calling instructions, and Charizard was hit with too many attacks that he shouldn't even be bothering with. "Come on, kid! You have to tell me what to do!" I could tell that Charizard was torn between respecting his trainer and his hatred of losing. "Give me something to work with!"

It wasn't that Charizard wasn't capable of acting independently of his trainer. Just like Donphan, Charizard could attack and defend on his own, but that wasn't the game we were playing now. These tournaments were meant to test us as a team_ with_ our trainers, and while there wasn't really an explicit rule about it, it was a question of honor. If we just bypassed Ash and tried to win on our own, it would be an insult to the human we claimed was our partner, and even if we won, the victory would be hollow.

Donphan was too young to understand that yet. But Charizard and I had fought enough battles with Ash to know that victory was different than simply winning, and there was a philosophy and culture behind Pokemon Battles we needed to respect. It was a ritual that went back generations upon generations to build up bridges between people and Pokemon, and Charizard had broken that trust before.

It would kill him to lose in such a humiliating way, but I think he'd hate himself more if he betrayed Ash a second time. "Flareon, Mud-slap!"

"D-dodge!" Charizard easily maneuvered out of the way, but his patience was wearing thin.

"I can't dodge all day! What's the attack plan?" I don't think it helped Ash to have Charizard roaring at him.

"Um, I don't-Oh! S-seismic T-toss!"

"Gotcha!" Glad to finally be doing something, Charizard zipped in and grabbed Flareon, taking to the sky and looping around. When Flareon was slammed into the ground, it didn't get up, and the first round went to us.

"See? You can do it," I encouraged, but Ash was still deathly pale. If we weren't in the middle of a tournament match, I would have insisted he sit down and might have called someone over to help him. "Calm down, you're doing fine." What were the rules if the _trainer_ fainted during a battle?

"Breathe, kid! We've got them now!" Charizard crowed, but his tune changed when Julia called out her next Pokemon.

"Go, Electivire!" All our faces plummeted.

Charizard let loose a string of swear words that I was grateful Ash couldn't understand, as I was trying to convince him everything was fine. "Yeah, it has electricity, but look at it, it's not that powerful! I bet it couldn't even power your Pokedex..."

"Y-you're not helping," Ash interrupted me in a soft voice, and he refused to look at me. I felt a little insulted, but since his bottom lip was trembling, I tried to let those feelings go.

"Then just barbeque it and it'll go away," I muttered, and that might have done something for Ash.

"Charizard, Flamethrower!"

"Finally!" Charizard let out a Flamethrower the size of which the world had never seen, but even though he did some heavy damage to Electivire, our opponent came back quickly with Thunder, and that shut Ash down.

"...uh...!" His mouth opened and closed, but words didn't come out, and Charizard could only dodge for so long.

"Help me out, will you?! You gonna let a little spark like that scare you?" Wherever Ash was, our words weren't reaching him. "If we lose here, it's all over!"

"I-I c-can't," Ash all but whimpered, but he still tried to make it through this train wreck of a battle. "Um, maybe, um, Wing, wing..." Ash trailed off, but Charizard went through with Wing Attack, even though a Flying move wasn't really our key to victory. "Then, um, I dunno..."

"Thunderpunch, Electivire!" Charizard was too close, and took the attack full in the chest.

"Ch-charmander!"

"Ugh!" Charizard wasn't down yet, but a couple more hits like that and he would be. Ash tried to call out an attack but a lot of his words were unintelligible, and even when they were clear, we weren't going to win with a few random attacks. We needed a strategy, we needed a plan...

...we needed our trainer. Eventually, Charizard fell to the dirt and was declared unable to battle. I didn't want to know what he was thinking and feeling after Ash recalled him into the pokeball.

"Ash has chosen to call out his Donphan again! Will this rolling stone have better luck against Julia's Electivire?"

"Good choice," I praised Ash, "Donphan can resist a lot of Electivire's attacks. Just keep you head and you can shut it down quickly." We were still tied, this was a clean slate, we could do this.

Ash nodded, even if the color hadn't returned to his cheeks. "Um, Donphan, R-Rollout..." His voice was shaky and hesitant, but Donphan obeyed, spinning and bulldozing into Electivire. A few good attacks like that and we might win this...

But then Electivire used Thunder again, attacking the field to slow Donphan, and Ash actually screamed. It stopped our opponent dead in her tracks for a second. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I, no, um, sorry!" Ash stammered, and the match was quickly on track again. "Rollout, no, no..." Electivire had broken up the field a bit with Thunder, and all the cracks and rocks made it hard for Donphan to set up a good Rollout. "Try, try..." But Ash was too late coming up with new strategies, and Donphan was hit with Ice Punch. "No!"

"Ooh, that attack did some damage!" the announcer cried, and Ash was beside himself, though it didn't seem he was able to change his behavior.

"Don-donphan, all right? Can you, dodge, dodge!" Electivire was coming in again, and Donphan was able to roll out of the way at the last second, but Ash faltered after that. "Use, use, I dunno, um-"

"It's okay!" Donphan cried, and used Rock Smash. It stunned Electivire, and Donphan was able to rush in for another attack before it recovered it's bearings. Just like before, Donphan was bypassing Ash completely. "Don't worry, Ash, I can handle this!"

Oh, the sweet, stupid little thing! He thought he was helping, that he'd win this match for his trainer and make him proud, but Donphan's actions were telling Ash we didn't need him, that he was only holding us back. Ash was growing more and more helpless in this battle, and it would take more than winning to cure that.

But Donphan carried on, pushing and attacking though there were no commands from his trainer. The announcer didn't seem to realize what was going on. "Ketchum and his pokemon are so in sync! Their strategy is so perfect that you can barely see the trainer's commands. Julia is going to have a hard time breaking through that!" If only he knew.

Electivre fell to the ground, finally fainted, while Donphan looked back to Ash for praise. Ash's face was horribly strained, but he did manage to choke out a "good job". Though Ash made an attempt at smiling, it looked miserable on his face and his eyes were full of fear, the control and confidence completely out of his grasp. For the first time in my life, Ash felt tiny next to me, miniscule and insignificant.

"Put me in there," I insisted, breaking through the shell Ash had created around himself. When he turned to me, I was almost paralyzed by the terror inside. "Put me in, please! I swear, I can make this okay." It was a hefty promise, and Ash looked torn. "Come on, you can turn this around!"

Ironically, the announcer was just then asking if Julia was capable of turning this around with her final pokemon, Rhyhorn. "You know me," I kept pleading, trying to keep eye contact with him. "You know I can win, you know I can take a hit. I'll listen to you, so you listen to me and it'll be okay, I promise!"

"But, I..." Ash looked from me to Donphan, forced to make a decision between us. I didn't like that the two of us were now representing conflicting ideals, since Donphan's motives had been pure and genuine, but Ash needed to come back from the edge now. If he didn't, then it wouldn't matter how this match ended.

"I trust you," I said with all the calm resolution I could muster. "Didn't we fight all those battles together? Didn't I follow all your orders, even the ones I didn't want to?" I was talking about recent training, of course. If we got into our history as a whole, it was some time before I followed Ash's orders indiscriminately and he knew it. But that wasn't the important thing, now. "I can do this, I know I can do it if you're with me!" He had to agree, we had to turn this around, I had to be able to reach him...

"Donphan, return!" Oh, thank goodness. Ash nodded at me, eyes still bordering on petrification. "O-okay, I... I'll do my best, but..."

"That'll be enough," I promised, and I ran out onto the field.

I would listen to Ash, no matter what happened in this match. If he didn't give me a command, then I wouldn't act, if I took a hit then so be it. It would be okay if we lost our first match at the league, but I absolutely could not let Ash go home with a trophy that told him he was useless. Even if I could win these matches without Ash's help, the point of the tournament was to work together, and my trainer needed to know I trusted and respected him.

He'd spent years doing that for me, and I would be ungrateful to throw that away now. As much as Donphan's desire to win the match for Ash was pure, it was misguided, and would only hurt our trainer in the end. Everyone could see how strong his pokemon were, but Ash's strength was what we needed to bring out.

I stood in front of Rhydon and dug my paws into the ground. Rhydon let out a battle cry before charging in for a Take Down, and though I waited until the very last second, no commands came from Ash. Not even a call to dodge.

So I didn't. I braced myself and took the entirety of Take Down. It knocked me off my feet, but I was light and agile, and was soon back up and standing, shaking my head to clear the stars out of it. Rhydon seemed taken aback.

"Roar all you want, but I'm not backing down," I smirked back. "I'm just going to wall you."

"Is that really your guys' strategy?"

"Apparently." Unless Ash could come up with a better one. But I wasn't going to be beaten and disgraced by this, either. If our positions were reversed, Ash wouldn't let himself be humiliated by his pokemon having an off day. He'd hang in there and say he believed in them and support that pokemon until they found their strength again. No matter who called him weak or laughed at him, he'd keep his confidence, because Ash knew how strong we really were, and Ash had witnessed all the hours of training and practice we'd put in.

Maybe we were going to lose today, but I would never let him think I wasn't proud to fight for him, or proud to lose with him.

I was finally able to make eye contact with Ash. He mouthed words I couldn't understand, but with our eyes locked, I saw determination. It was there, hidden in the fear and insecurity, but glinting like steel. His eyes bore into mine, trying to communicate a thought, and very deliberately, he brought his arm down in a swinging motion.

I jumped into Iron Tail without a second thought. It knocked Rhyhorn off his course and I quickly landed on my feet and swung my head around to find my trainer. Still pale, still shaking, but he nodded at me and made that hand signal again, this time swinging his arm against his leg.

Go for the knees, huh? I could do that, and Rhyhorn's next attack was interrupted when I sliced underneath it. It was unglamorous to call it tripping, but that's basically what it was and Rhyhorn had been moving so fast that it was more than effective. Now the giant monster was a sitting duck.

And then, from behind me, "P-pikachu, Quick Attack!" Not Iron Tail? When we had it in one place? But I obeyed, glad to have Ash speaking again. To hear his voice, knowing he was back in this match was priceless. I wasn't going to start questioning him now.

"Quick Attack it is!" Pretty much like ramming into a wall, and then Ash had me deflect a Hyper Beam with my under-powered Electro Ball, but we were getting back into sync. Certainly Julia and Rhyhorn were thrown off their game a little, since Ash and I weren't doing anything one might have expected of us, and as the match wore on, Ash started using that to his advantage. His voice grew stronger and we incorporated jumps, feints and misdirections into our strategy, tiring Rhyhorn out one second at a time.

Finally, the brilliant moment came when Iron Tail felled Rhyhorn and it didn't immediately rise up again. "Rhyhorn is unable to battle! Pikachu is the winner! The match goes to Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town!" Sweet victory...

I whirled around and ran back to my trainer, wondering what I would find there. He did smile a bit, and praised me, but I wasn't at all surprised to see him still pale, still shaking and acting as if we'd lost. It had been a very narrow win, and a lot of that match had been disappointing. But I wasn't sure how to make Ash feel better about that, especially when all our friends started crowding around. Ash wasn't in a talking mood and left immediately for the Pokemon Center, and all our friends trailed after us. I hoped they would share some words of wisdom while Nurse Joy was healing me, but even as I parted with Ash, I could see he wouldn't be in the mood to listen...

* * *

><p>Saying he wanted to apologize, Ash called out Donphan, Charizard and myself after Nurse Joy was through with us. I told him that was a bad idea, and we should let Charizard alone for a bit, but he didn't listen to me.<p>

Donphan was just happy we'd won and that Ash seemed to get some confidence back towards the end, but Charizard was ready to tear somebody apart with his bare hands. "What the _hell_, kid?! You had that match! It should have been a walk in the park!"

Ash didn't need a translator to know Charizard was mad at him. "Sorry about today, I don't know what happened, what happened..."

"Well, you need to figure it out, because that Electivre couldn't have been half my level!" Charizard grew more frustrated as he talked, knowing that Ash probably understood less than half of his words. The thing about Ash, though, was that he tended to pick up on the key words, and tended to have moments of clarity at the worst possible times. Certainly he'd had enough of Charizard yelling at him in his lifetime that he was nearly fluent in "chew out my trainer" speak.

I had learned that the hard way. It was a long, long time ago that I discovered that Ash understood my insults better than my compliments, and had spent the rest of my life trying to turn that around. "Give him a break, okay?" I told Charizard with no small edge to my voice. Yelling wasn't going to solve anything.

"The other trainers aren't going to give us a break!" Charizard countered. "They all saw that mess, and you can bet they'll use it to their advantage! You made us look like amateurs out there!" Now he was back to growling at Ash. "What happened? You never used to be this weak!"

"I-I, um, I don't..." The look on Ash's face broke my heart, and I knew he'd understood that last phrase perfectly.

"That match was as bad as a loss! What's wrong with you?"

"Okay, back off!" I snapped, jumping in front of Charizard. "If you can't say anything helpful, you're better off not saying anything at all."

"Yeah," Donphan agreed, timidly backing me up. "The important thing is that we won, right?"

"No, it's not the important thing," Charizard sneered back. "Come on, Pikachu, are you gonna lie and pretend you weren't ashamed of that display!" When he said that, something snapped in me, and I felt something else snap in Ash.

This was all too much. "Of course I will," I hissed, my anger triggering tears to form. "I'm a pro at it! All those times we lost a match because of your ego, I lied! You took a nap on the field in the middle of the finals and I pretended I was fine with it! Even though you went and crushed the one dream I'd ever had in my life out of spite, I could lie and say I wasn't ashamed, sure! My teammate only cares about himself and my trainer's too naïve to handle you properly, but how many times did I lie through my teeth and say you both didn't let me down? Compared to that, today is _nothing!_" I was so far gone, boiling over with rage at Charizard but also humiliation. Those feelings needed to go somewhere, and he was proving a wonderful target.

I had thought we were ready for this. We all did. "Well, you think coddling him is going to make it better? That was embarrassing out there!" He turned back to Ash. "I thought you were stronger than that!"

"I'm sorry, sorry," Ash pulled his cap over his eyes and kept his head turned to the ground. "I messed up, messed up... but I'll do better next time! I'll work harder, so...Charizard..." Hearing Ash get his name right, Charizard's face began to change. "Please don't leave again... I promise I'll be a st-stronger trainer, I'll do better... please don't leave..." All the while, Ash's head was bowed, and I couldn't tell if he was crying or not, but his shoulders were trembling slightly.

Charizard looked stunned. "I'm turning into Damien," he realized, eyes wide. "I'm turning into Damien! When did that happen? No, kid!" Charizard had never looked so helpless or distressed, and it was a comical sight but I couldn't laugh at it. "I didn't mean... well, it's not like... I mean, it's gonna be okay!"

After Charizard's long lecture, his reassurances now seemed a little hollow. Ash pulled out Charizard and Donphan's pokeballs with a sigh. "I gotta think about stuff, think about stuff," he said without energy. "But tomorrow, I won't embarrass you again, don't worry..." Did that mean he wasn't going to fight? Charizard seemed to have the same thoughts crossing his mind, but Ash recalled him before he could say anything.

If Ash gave up, it would make everything meaningless. We'd finally turned that horrible match around, but if he quit, it was all for nothing. On the other hand, if he wasn't ready, it was unfair to all of us to force ourselves through more...

"Pikapi?" I had to talk to him, had to reassure him. Lie, as Charizard put it, but it wasn't like I was really ashamed of Ash. Goodness knew he'd done his best, and I admired that.

But today hadn't gone well, either... "Pikachu, I want to be alone," Ash sighed, and nothing I said deterred him. "I don't want to talk right now, right now, maybe later..." He left me behind, saying he was going on a walk around the village, and all I could do was watch him go. For some reason, it felt a lot like that time he'd tried to leave me behind in that forest of Pikachu.

I didn't chase after him, this time. I just had to trust that he would find his own way back.

* * *

><p>Ash was late in getting back, enough that some of our friends were starting to worry. Once the sun set, they went out and canvassed the area, and found Ash wandering the streets deep in thought. He refused to come back with them however, still needing time alone. So everyone returned and only sent someone out every hour or so to make sure Ash was still nearby, and not running off to do something stupid.<p>

I had intended to stay up and wait for him, having so much I wanted to say, but as the night wore on I drifted off to sleep on the couch. My dreams were troubled again, fueled by the stress of the day, and I kept slipping in and out of them in a way that was almost painful. I was grateful when a soft shaking finally jolted me back to reality and I found Ash sitting next to me. "You were crying, you were crying," he said as an apology, not that he needed one.

"Just a bad dream," I shook off the memory but still felt groggy and sleep-deprived. "You're back..." Ash nodded and gathered me onto his lap, one hand turning over pages in his old, black journal. I could see the new one poking out of his backpack, but it was the old one that seized his attention, now.

"I was thinking about how it used to be," he said softly, "The times I don't remember, what that must have been like, must have been like..." He stopped turning pages when he came to his old, shaky sketch of Spearow against a dark sky. "Can you tell me again? This story h-here, the picture scares me, but it's important to you, important to you. I don't remember why, why it's so important. Can you tell me?"

I yawned and leaned back into him. "Actually, it's not that important," I said, comfortable and peaceful at last, even though the back of my mind was sending off little bells that I had been wanting to tell Ash something when he got back. I couldn't remember what it was, though. "I mean, it is, but, that's not why we're friends. It's how this all got started, but..." Sleepily, I curled into his arm and Ash closed his journal. "I mean, it was special, but..." I was starting to forget what my point was.

"So... so why did you become my friend?" Ash settled himself more comfortably on the couch and asked. "You didn't like me at first, you didn't like me at first, right? And back then I wasn't good at training, just like now..." The little warning bells went off again, this was related to what I'd wanted to say to Ash earlier.

But I still couldn't quite remember. "You were fine," I mumbled into the crook of his arm, my eyes closing despite half-hearted attempts to keep them open. I thought back through my memories, "But you always liked me how I was..."

"Huh?" Ash asked, and I lifted my head enough so the words didn't get lost this time. "I don't want to evolve, and you never question that. You just support me."

"You're great the way you are, the way you are," Ash insisted, which meant more to me after facing that Electivire than it ever had before.

But the reality was something more humbling. "You don't want me to evolve at all, do you? Maybe in the beginning you were fine with it, but now..." If I were to evolve into Raichu, everything would end. No more riding on Ash's shoulders, no more hugs that lifted me off the ground. Our battle strategy would have to change, the way we played together would have to change, maybe my own personality and attitudes would change a little. We'd seen it happen with a lot of our friends, and even if I someday wanted to evolve with all my heart, Ash would be affected by it, too.

I knew that the last thing he wanted would be for me to evolve, "But one day, something happened that made me have to rethink things, and you..." even now, I still teared up to think about it. "And you showed me you'd been carrying around a Thunderstone for years and years... You kept it in your backpack every day, just in case I ever changed my mind..." Every time he opened his backpack, it would have been there, reminding him... But when he thought I needed it, when he thought it might make me happy, he turned it over without a second thought. "You were ready to support my decision years before I ever made it... that was the nicest thing you've ever done for me."

I couldn't tell him, at the time. I'd smiled and hugged and told him he was my best friend, but I wasn't able to verbalize all the things I'd been feeling that day. I wish I'd had the words, but even now, nothing seemed adequate. "Back when Nurse Joy had first given us that Thunderstone, we weren't all that close. I fought with you over every stupid thing, but you still thought of that, that I might someday change my mind and want to become Raichu..." I don't know what he felt that night, leaving me alone with that Thunderstone, but his eyes were red-rimmed when he found me practicing later, and even before he saw me, he was still calling out the name "Pikachu".

That's when I really knew I'd made the right decision. "You do stuff like that all the time," I yawned, trying to tilt my head to look at him, but my eyes wouldn't open, so I gave up. "It's not as big as the Spearow adventure, but it's a big deal to me..."

I felt Ash's arms curl around me, enveloping me in warmth and safety. That thing I had wanted to tell him earlier didn't seem so important right now. "You talk a lot nicer than I remember, than I remember," Ash said, and I frowned to myself.

"Pi?"

"Like, I remember you talked like Gary, you know, even if he says nice things, it always sounds like he's making fun of you, making fun of you... I mean, I forgot stuff, but," he shrugged, then tickled my ears. "I don't always know what you say, but you sound nicer now."

"Well, good, I guess..." I bit back a yawn that threatened to swallow my head. "Because we're friends, even if you evolve into Raichu, or..." No, wait... my sleep-addled brain reminded me that Ash couldn't evolve into Raichu, or a Pikachu, for that matter. "I mean... I don't know what I mean..."

"You're weird," Ash laughed, but he hugged me close and I decided it didn't matter. "I like you, too." I would be Ash's friend no matter what he evolved into.

* * *

><p>Bianca, Ritchie and Gary had all won their first rounds as well, and when morning came the cabin was filled with chatter on that subject. It was by some stroke of luck that Bianca had won, and though no one really expected her to make it through her next match, we all encouraged her, especially Ash. This year, it had been made glaringly apparent that winning wasn't the most important part of the Pokemon League.<p>

For Ash's next match, he decided to take Levanny, Totodile, and Glalie onto the Ice Field, which meant I would be watching the match from the sidelines. I wasn't thrilled about this, but I wasn't the only player on the team, as everyone was so quick to remind me. Still, after yesterday, I couldn't help but be worried about Ash.

But his match was later in the day, so we got to watch some of our friends battling first. Gary and Ritchie sailed through easily, winning both their matches with little trouble, but we all knew it was over for Bianca the second her opponent called out her first Pokemon.

"Go, Zapdos!" I patted Ash's knee without even thinking and he gripped my paw so tightly I thought he might break it.

"Are you kidding? A Zapdos!"

"I saw her battle yesterday," Gary frowned. "She used Zapdos then, too. I haven't seen her use any other pokemon yet."

"You think she's trying to pull a Tobias?" Brock asked, and I shuddered. For someone with a powerful, intimidating pokemon, it was a good strategy. The battles and tactics went on even when you weren't in the ring, as Ash was currently demonstrating. "Are you going to be okay?" I whispered, and though Ash was pale and still clutching my hand, he nodded.

"Yeah, the lightning can't get us up here, up here, right?"

"Of course not," I lied, and we watched Bianca lose all three of her pokemon in about as many minutes.

"Poor girl, she really didn't have a chance."

"She did better than I expected, though," Cilan admitted, even as Bianca was sobbing on the field. True to character, Bianca whined and wailed as if the world was ending, then was on her feet and happily shaking hands with her opponent in half a second. She was a whirlwind of high emotions, but like Ash, she would bounce back from all her losses and cheer on the rest of us. "Let's make her favorite desserts tonight. That'll cheer her up."

"Sounds like a plan," Brock agreed, and they both began talking pastry. Meanwhile, Ash and I had to get to the Ice Field in time for his match.

I still wasn't happy about being relegated to the sidelines, especially now that Ash had been rattled by Zapdos, but I couldn't do anything about it. Ash was my trainer, and I had to trust him. I took a seat near the trainer's box and Ash and I spread out backpacks and jackets to save seats for the others.

"Well, I gotta go check in, check in," Ash finally said, reluctantly pulling away. "You'll cheer for us, right?"

"Pika pika!" He knew I would. Ash grinned, but there was a somberness in his eyes.

"Those times that I don't remember... the me back then was kind of a hero, right?" I was surprised by his words, and didn't know how to answer. "We had a lot of adventures, lot of adventures, and everyone talks like I was so strong. But when I think of how I feel now, how I feel now, I think I probably wasn't... strong, I mean. O-or maybe I was different then..."

"Pikachu..." I tried to reassure him, but Ash cut me off.

"I just want you to watch this match, watch this match," he said with all seriousness. "Because you waited a long time for me to get better, get better, and it was h-hard for you... but the me back then was your friend, and I want to be like that again. So, watch, because I was w-weak yesterday, yesterday, but now I'm going to be a hero."

I could only stare, stunned, and by the time words formed in my head, Ash was walking away to check in with the referee. I sat back and tried to make sense of what I just heard.

"If I ever figure out how your mind works, I swear, I'll..." I didn't even know. But it didn't matter, because our friends were arriving and the match was about to start. "Just do your best, that's all I want..." No, I wanted to win, but if it didn't come today, I'd be fine with that. As long as Ash could stand proudly, it was fine of our victory took another year or two to earn.

But after that speech he just gave, I was filled with a hope that I thought had died with yesterday. That was Ash's greatest skill, his ability to inspire us even after all hope was lost. I leaned forward and watched the field with baited breath.

"Begin!" I saw Glalie fight off a Growlithe with a variation on Counter Shield. I saw Totodile do a victory dance around a Meganium. I saw Levanny sew enough leaves together that he tripped up a Golem and tied it to a glacier. But best of all, I saw Ash with a grin on his face, and no matter how many Flamethrowers Glalie endured or how many Solarbeams Totodile failed to dodge, that glee never went away. His voice carried without a waver, his strategies were clear and his synchronization with his pokemon was perfect. He was back, he was strong, and he was always and forever my hero.

"Levanny, String Shot!" Only Ash could win a League match with String Shot. Only Ash could do such a complete turnaround from the crushing blow of yesterday. But when Levanny was declared the victor over Golem, Ash turned around and fixed me with such a look of triumph that I didn't see the Ash I'd come to know anymore.

The Ash from before the accident was standing there, proud, confident and joyful, and somehow stronger than ever before. As soon as I was allowed, I ran onto the field and jumped into his arms. "You did it! That was perfect!"

"Right, right?" Ash agreed, just as ecstatic as I was and giggling in excitement. "Showed you, didn't I? Did you see?"

"Yeah, I'm so proud of you!" Ash squeezed me so tight that my eyes almost popped out of my head, but I didn't care.

"We're gonna win, Pikachu, I promise," he whispered to me, full of emotion. "Th-this time I'm ready, I'm not gonna let you lose. We'll win it all, win it all..." I hugged him back, grinning from ear to ear and fired up to think that maybe this time we actually would.

But that would all come later. For now, "You already won the big trophy, don't you see that?" Ash did see it, and it made the anticipation of what was to come all the sweeter.

Two rounds down, and two more until the semi-finals... If we kept on like this, that League Trophy was ours.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22: And The Future Will Decide If There's A Hero Buried Deep Inside**

* * *

><p>"...And Feraligator is unable to battle! That's right, folks! The match goes to the challenger in red, Ash Ketchum!"<p>

One after another, the challengers came and we beat them down. Things were going so well that the doubts in the back of my mind began to whisper that I surely must be dreaming. But it was no dream, just all of Ash's hard work paying off, and before I knew it, our team had won matches on all four of the preliminary fields.

"One for Grass, one for Ice, Rock and Water," Bianca counted later that evening. "Ash, you're in the semi-finals!"

"Hey, he's not the only one!" Gary came up from behind us with a teasing sneer. "Ritchie and I won all our matches, too. Can't get too cocky with us around, or we'll just waltz up and steal that trophy out from under your nose!"

"Ha!" Ash was far too confident to be baited, still riding high from the last win. "Not in a million years!" But there was still something out there in the world that could take his good mood away, and his demeanor changed when we heard a voice calling out to us.

"Hey! Hey, you! In the red!" Our whole group turned around as a boy with short, pale hair streaked towards us. He was on the tall side and thin, wearing a gaudy outfit covered in card suits. He stopped in front of us with dramatic pointing. "You're my next opponent!"

Ash just blinked silently, so Misty spoke up. "Who are you?"

"The name's Ace," the trainer said proudly, and he shuffled a deck of cards as if to drive the point home. Sometimes I wondered how we found these people. "I'm facing you in the semis next, and you'd better be scared! I studied your picture, your style, your Pokemon, everything!"

"..."

"Speechless, right? Yeah, you're definitely one of the trainers to watch out for this league, but don't get cocky, 'cause they don't call me Ace for nothing!" Our new friend pulled the Ace of Hearts out of his card deck without even looking. I had to admit, it was a bit impressive. "And I'm going to be the winner of this tournament! So what's your name?"

Ash stayed silent, and Gary rescued the conversation. "I thought you studied his picture and everything?"

"Ha!" The kid was embarrassed, but hid it well. "The name's not important, just fighting spirit! Am I right or am I right?"

After a few seconds of silence, Ash nodded, but he didn't say anything. Ace waited for a verbal response, but when he didn't get one, jumped right back into his train of thought. "You've had some pretty sweet battles here, so you might actually be a good match for me. Rumor is you won the Battle Frontier, that true?"

Again Ash nodded in silence. "Well, way to go, but it won't be enough to beat me!" Ace suddenly spun around. "Well, I gotta get ready for tomorrow. See you on the battlefield, Red!" And he dashed off as quickly as he'd arrived.

"..." Ace left, and then our whole group swiveled around to fix Ash with a look.

"That was kind of rude, Ash!" Misty accused, and Ash did look a little guilty about it. "You didn't say a word to him! What's going on?" Ash fidgeted a little under everyone's stares, but mumbled out a reply.

"If I t-talk, he'll know I'm broken, know I'm broken..." Hearing that, we all backed up. It was a fair concern, not like it actually made him less of a person.

"Well..." Misty wasn't sure how to lecture Ash anymore. "Well, you can't go the whole tournament without talking to people, so make a little effort!" Ash face rebutted that he could indeed go the entire tournament without speaking a word to anybody, but he sighed and nodded. "The strong, silent type doesn't suit you."

It truly didn't. To us, Ash was incessantly chatty and loud, but he was getting a reputation amongst the other competitors as a reserved, quiet, veteran trainer who would hand your rear end back to you on the battlefield with barely a word. It seemed incongruous with the image I had of him. But I had to admit there was a certain sense of privilege in knowing that the real Ash was something only a special few got to see.

Later that night, Ash and I were resting on top of the bunk bed while some of the others were out in the main room watching TV. Ash had started out jotting down ideas for the battle tomorrow, but ended up fishing the DVD Silver gave him out of his backpack. He turned it over in his hands a couple times before asking me, "Have I watched this yet?"

"Not that I know of," I replied back. Heavy in thought, Ash continued to stare pensively at the disk and I watched him just as closely. "Curious?"

Ash flopped onto his back with a sigh, but he didn't answer. He put his finger through the hole and spun it around his finger a few times, but his mind was far away.

"I can watch it with you, if you're nervous about something." Ash almost seemed surprised that I was talking, but it snapped him out of his thoughts and he stopped playing with the DVD.

He released it and let it bounce onto the bed beside him, and then he pulled his hat over his eyes. "Y-you know, Mom never kept photos, or videos... I never knew what he looked like, what he looked like... I was eight, the first time I saw him..."

"You were eight?" I hopped over while Ash continued to stare at the ceiling through his hat.

"One day I came home, and he... he was just there..." Ash's tone sounded flat and dead. "He was nice, and he had Pokemon, so I liked him, I liked him, and he made Mom happy, so..." Ash rolled over onto his stomach and I had to act fast to save the DVD from being crushed. "Sssso it's supposed to be good now, right?"

This time, I think he was expecting an answer, and I patted his hand a little. "I don't know if things are always that simple."

"I know... know he loves me, and it's different, now, but... I like-like him, too, but... it's easier when he's gone."

"Because of the bullying?" I asked, and Ash flinched a little. He eventually nodded, but there was a pain that went even deeper than childish teasing.

"Until I was eight... why didn't he come home?" Ash folded his arms and rested his head on his elbows. "I'm scared to ask, scared to ask... and now I'm broken, so, maybe, maybe he'll leave again...?"

"I'm sure he wouldn't."

"What if... what if he left... because I was born? He's-he's the u-ultimate rival, you know, but maybe that doesn't matter to him, matter to him..." Ash's words were muffled a bit by his arms. "So I have to win things, so that when it matters, when it matters, he'll be proud. Right now I don't need him, Mom and I are fine alone, he doesn't need me, but someday... someday I want to challenge him..." I watched Ash's face, even though it was hidden in shadows, and thought on my own parents.

"Not everything can be fixed with a Pokemon Battle, you know." Ash clenched his fists but didn't raise his head.

"Not being stupid."

"I didn't say you were." But he was being a little stubborn. "Maybe the time it matters most is now. What if waiting until you're strong enough to beat him in a battle is too late?" What if my father was in some far-off meadow right now, realizing that there was such a thing as waiting one day too long? "You don't know he left because of you. It could have been something else, and maybe you're the reason he came back?"

"Mom forgave him, but I... I don't think I can... I don't like that, don't' like hating people...it's easier not to think about him, think about him..."

"You think about me," I pointed out, and Ash raised his head at this. "You forgave me. Is it that hard?"

Ash fixed me with a look that I didn't like. "Yes." When I grew nervous, he sighed and put a hand on my head. "You're different, like, the flower pokemon and you use the seed things to dig into the ground, right? It drains energy, digs deep in the ground for food and water and stuff, but the ground is, like, my heart, and I can't switch it out like a pokemon, like a pokemon..."

"You know your new habit of using metaphors makes zero sense, right?" Ash ignored me.

"But with you, I see the flower, and I know, oh! Attack it there! You know? It faints and we win the battle and dig out the seed-vine-things. After that, it hurts less, it hurts less, but Silver... I don't see the flower pokemon, like it's foggy, or something..." Ash's hand that pet me grew still. "I don't know where to hit, where to hit, and if I lose... w-who's gonna help me dig out the seeds, I'll hurt forever..."

I paused, trying to understand this. "And so the difference is...?"

"If I don't battle, he can't use the draining seed attack," Ash finished smartly. "And I don't get hurt."

"...I think I actually get it..." Ash pouted and sat up.

"I'm not that weird, not that weird!" He slipped the DVD back into his backpack with a huff and I laughed.

"Oh, no, you're definitely weird," I teased, only to let out a squeak when Ash tackled me. He proceeded to tickle me and I giggled and wriggled my way out of his arms to clamor down the bunk bed. Ash followed me but I jumped onto his head and ran around his shoulders, taunting him until he finally seized me.

We were having so much fun play-fighting and tickling that I didn't think about what I did next. "Chuuu!" It was just a tiny, playful shock, but the second the charge left me I regretted it, and Ash screamed and pushed me away so forcefully that I tumbled back several feet.

My first thought was that I was going to throw up, but I shelved the guilt and the fear enough to get back on my feet and see if there was anything I could do to repair the situation. I wasn't important, Ash was, and Ash had sunk to the floor, back against the wall, sobbing into his knees. I wasn't sure if I dared approach him.

But I had to do something. "I'm sorry," I called out to him, keeping my voice quiet and gentle. It had only been a small shock, I knew it hadn't been enough to cause him real pain. Ash had kept me using underpowered attacks for so long that holding myself back was now instinctual, and that was a relief, but I'd still used an electric attack on my trainer. He must have been terrified.

"...know that..." Ash whimpered, but his head was still buried in his knees and his tears were still flowing. Still, he didn't tell me to leave and I took that as an invitation to inch a little closer. I felt about two millimeters tall, watching my trainer sobbing and frightened because of something I did. Something I'd promised I wouldn't ever do again. How could I have been so careless?

"P-pikkkachu, y-you're my friend, friend, right?" Ash choked out, and I patted his leg to respond in the affirmative. "S-so, when you attack, electr-electric attacks don't always mean you're mad, like fighting, right? Like, games? Not 'cause you don't like me, don't like me...?"

"No! Of course not!" I cried, and it surprised me to think that Ash might have been operating under that mentality. But he wasn't a Pikachu, able to interpret the currents, and had forgotten so much of our journey together. "No, my attacks can mean all kinds of things! I was just playing, I didn't mean to hurt you!" I nuzzled Ash's leg a little for emphasis. "If anything, I usually shock you because I like you so much!"

"Promise it's not always bad?" Ash repeated and I kept reassuring him that it wasn't.

"I'm really sorry, I should have been more careful..." Ash lifted his head a little, revealing red eyes and a tear-stained face.

"It's okay, it's okay, I'm not hurt..." he told me, and he looked like he might have been trying to smile, but failing. "But I think... when you play, the shocking should be less than this, way less than this... or I'll get scared and it won't be f-fun anymore..." I nodded, both reprimanded and astounded that he was essentially giving me permission to shock him occasionally. "I'm not hurt, didn't hurt, but..." A fresh wave of tears assaulted Ash and he gave up, but he reached out his hand to me and I took it.

His hand curled around me and I wrapped both of my arms around his wrist and we sat like that until Ash felt calm again. "I'm sorry," I kept telling him, "I wasn't thinking, I'm so sorry..."

"'sssokay..." Ash replied every time, and eventually he sat up a bit and pulled me into his lap.

"Forgiving, you asked and I said it was hard, a-and it is," Ash said, enveloping me in his arms. "Because I have to think about sad stuff and I only like to think of good things, only like to think of good things. So-so it's easier to just ignore some stuff and f-forget..." I closed my eyes and tried not to think of how many sad thoughts I'd caused Ash in the recent past.

"But Pikachu... you're a good thing." That hit me, straight in the heart and all sorts of warm feelings washed through me. "So good, so you're worth remembering a couple sad things... that make sense?"

"You forgive me?" I tried, not always sure how he could always bring himself to do that. I wasn't sure that my supposed goodness outweighed the sadness and hurt I brought with me.

But it was Ash's job to forgive, and my job to make the best of that opportunity.

* * *

><p>The next morning, we had visitors.<p>

"Guys!" Dawn and May had arrived to cheer Ash on in the semi-finals, and hiding behind May was another friend we hadn't seen in a long time...

"You can come out, Max. He won't bite." My heart leapt and I waved when I saw Max's bespectacled face peek out from behind May, before he ducked away again and childishly tugged on his big sister's clothes. "Max? What's gotten into you?"

Even though Max tried to whisper, we all heard him. "What if he doesn't remember? What if he doesn't like me anymore?" May sighed and knelt down to her brother.

"Max, it's Ash. He likes everybody." But Max still looked nervous, so I took it upon myself to break the ice. I ran up to Max and waved, but I couldn't earn a smile from him.

Maybe he was scared, but I almost imagined I saw his nose wrinkle in disgust.

Meanwhile, Ash had come over, his joy at seeing May and Dawn now giving way to a sort of disbelieving awe. "M-max...?" Everyone stopped talking, our focus now on Ash, who looked like he had stumbled upon a legendary pokemon.

Max looked up with his large, wide eyes, sniffling a little. "Do you remember me?"

"A little," Ash replied, stunning every last one of us. Well, if there was one person who got to have that miracle, it probably was best that it was given to Max. "Y-you... I know..." Max stepped around May and Ash put a hand on his shoulder, "I know you...W-we're friends, you know a lot about pokemon..."

"Yeah!" Max was overjoyed, and began to bawl with relief. "I thought you wouldn't be my friend anymore, and you'd forget all about me, and-"

"No, no, I..." Ash was getting a bit emotional as well. "No, I missed you! A-always be friends!" We all stepped back for a few seconds to let the boys have their tearful reunion, and then all crowded around the table for breakfast. Brock and Cilan had outdone themselves, and there was enough delicious food for all of us to have our share. We chatted, ate and enjoyed a pleasant meal together, all except for one of us. As the meal wore on, Max watched Ash like a hawk, and seemed to grow more and more distressed.

"And then, and then! It was like, um, really funny, uh, ate a h-hamburger but the um, Ur-Ursa-bear pokemon was mad and chased them, best movie ever, Gary saw it t-too, cracked me up-"

"Stop it!" Max suddenly exploded, and Ash did, looking at him curiously.

"Stop what?"

"Stop talking so weird!" Max balled up his fists and scrunched his little face, while Ash's fell. "Just talk normally again! I hate it!"

"Yeah, I hate it too, hate it too," Ash muttered, and Max stomped his foot.

"That's what I mean! Stop repeating yourself! And you say the words all weird, like a baby! Say it like you're supposed to!" May rushed over and grabbed her little brother.

"Max, apologize right now! That was mean!"

"But he's wrong!" Max shrieked back, "Do it right! You're not supposed to be like this, the doctors fixed you!" Ash turned in his seat to meet Max's eyes, though the boy was currently hiding his face in his sister's arms.

"Max, I'm not a pokeball... or something... Can't just screw the bending part back on and it works, and it works, people aren't like that. If a brain gets broken, it doesn't always fix like normal, s-so it has to do the job different, has to do the job different." He reached out to Max though the little boy pulled away. "But it's not bad..."

Max didn't agree. "You're not supposed to be like this. You were supposed to get better."

"If I didn't, if I didn't, you're not gonna be my friend anymore?" At this, Max jerked his head up in surprise and vigorously shook his head.

"I didn't say that!" he cried, but soon deflated. "Ash, I'm scared..."

"Of what?" May asked, but Max just said "I don't know..." Ash looked sympathetic and patted Max's shoulder, but after reassuring his friend that everything was fine and there was nothing to be scared of, I saw a few of Ash's other emotions leek through. He had been hurt by Max's outburst, reminded of how the rest of the world saw him.

After breakfast, I followed him back to our bunkbed and tried to think of something to say to make him feel better, but I couldn't come up with anything that didn't highlight the problem even more. Eventually I settled for, "Max is just a little kid. He doesn't mean it."

"Max is scared, know that, I know that..." Ash muttered as he dug in his backpack for his pokedex. "If it were me, me, and then you were d-different, I'd be worse." I smiled in spite of myself, impressed by his sense of empathy. Not only his attitude now, but the way he had spoken to Max earlier seemed to suggest Ash was more grown up than I had always imagined.

"When did you get so mature?" Ash frowned and turned to look at me.

"I'm what?"

"Mature," I repeated, only for Ash to stare back at me.

"I don't know what you said," he admitted, and turned back to his task. "Is it a good thing, good thing?"

"Absolutely," I laughed, and a small smile crept back to Ash's face. I was about to say something more but Max tiptoed into the room with a shameful face.

"I'm sorry about before," he said in a heartbroken voice that would have melted the iciest heart. "I was really mean to you..."

"It's okay," Ash forgave easily, and before long both boys were wearing smiles again. "And d-don't be scared... I'm a little different, a little different, but it's not all bad..." Max nodded, but his eyes drifted to Ash's open backpack and he frowned again.

"What are all those pills for?" He asked in a quiet voice, worry creeping in again. Ash looked to me for help, but since I didn't know how to reassure Max, he took a deep breath and began pulling the pill bottles out for inspection.

"This one, um... this one's for sleeping," Ash help out the first one, "If I can't, um, s-sleep, that's it... and uh, this... oh. Um, Muscles," he squinted a little to read the bottle. "Everyday I take this one, um, keeps muscles from just g-going... whenever, like..." He shook his hands a little to convey the idea, but I couldn't tell how much Max was understanding. Ash wasn't communicating all that well, this being both a technical subject and a personal one, and I could hear how nervous he was even if he tried to hide it. "Um, this is a v-vitamin..."

"What's the one with the tape on it?" Ash picked up the pill bottle in question, the one with tape covering the lid to prevent it from opening. He read the label to himself and a shadow passed over his face.

"Oh... uh, when I, um..." Ash looked to me, then looked away again. "I used to get scared, like... um, not normal s-scared... but this made the f-fear not hurt so much, not hurt so much, so I could face it... like... and then, and then I could fix the problem..." Max didn't seem to understand, so Ash gave up. "But I don't need it anymore, don't need it anymore, because I know how... what to do, when I'm s-scared. It's not like before, you know, so... um, so med'cine just makes _a-all_ the feelings, um, disappear..." And so his doctor had gradually reduced the dosage. Ash had been completely off the anti-depressants for a few weeks now.

I couldn't say things were better this way, since the trip up to the Indigo Plateau had been tense and only a few days ago Ash had a panic attack in the middle of the qualifying rounds. But there was a sense of relief, knowing that Ash could handle his life again and Ash had said that he felt proud about that, too. The way things were going, it didn't seem like Ash would need further prescriptions and that he was gradually walking away from those darker times.

But it was hard to explain all those complex feelings to Max. "Are you going to be okay?" the boy asked, and Ash tried to smile wide enough to disparage all doubts.

"I _am_ okay. This stuff isn't bad, isn't bad, it helped me g-get better..." Seeing Ash's conviction, Max regained some of his good humor, and when Ash found his Pokedex we all went back out into the sun.

Ash let out the other pokemon he was bringing to the match against Ace, Scraggy, Torterra, Swellow, Quilava and Krabby, and we all crowed around to play with Max while Ash sat down on the front steps of the cabin. He flashed his Pokedex over each one of us, watching our play with studiousness as he prepared for his next battle. Though we tried to distract him, I saw Max look over worriedly while Ash mouthed our names and attacks over and over.

There was nothing to worry about, though. Sometimes Ash wanted to review with all of us, and sometimes he wanted to practice by himself, but he was always ready for the match. And more and more, I felt like he was simply reviewing our names and statistics than trying to cram new knowledge into his head.

I couldn't wait to take the field and show Max that Ash was as good as he'd ever been.

* * *

><p>Ritchie and Gary weren't able to watch Ash's battle as they had matches of their own to compete in. So our group divided themselves so that we could cheer for everyone, with Misty and Brock going with Ritchie, Bianca and Dawn following Gary, while Ash and I were joined by May, Max and of course, Luke.<p>

But we didn't have to split up right away, and our whole entourage had a nice walk from the Trainer's Village to the stadiums, chatting and joking all the way. The excitement at the Indigo League was palpable, and crowds similar to ours moved around discussing competitors and squealing over star pokemon.

It was almost to loud to hear the sound of one crying voice... "Riolu! Riolu! Excuse me, has anybody seen a Riolu?" A boy with a headband was rushing around through the crowds, almost at the point of hysterics. "Riolu? Can you hear me?"

"Hey, I think somebody lost their pokemon." We all stopped to look around, but with so many people pressing on each side, it was difficult to spot anything.

"Cameron? Ri-Rio, somebody help me, I'm lost!" I turned my head to see a small, frightened Riolu about twenty feet away, and tugged on Ash's baseball cap.

"This way!" I urged, and I guided him towards the crying Riolu.

"Please, Rio~... Somebody help me! I've lost my friend!" Ash knelt down beside Riolu and extended a hand.

"L-lost?" he asked with a disarming smile. "Don't be scared, this way, this way." Riolu followed with bounding steps that increased as we got closer to the distressed trainer in the headband. The two caught each other's eyes and let out a rousing cheer before tackling each other. Other patrons had to skirt the edges of the walkway to avoid stepping on the two as they hugged and play-wrestled with each other.

"Riolu, I told you not to wander off like that! I thought I lost you forever!"

"You're the one who gets lost all the time, Cameron!" With gushing tears and loud cries, they were making quite the display. I hoped Ash and I didn't come across so embarrassing.

Misty agreed with me, a sweatdrop appearing on her forehead, but her laugh was kind. "I'm glad you two were able to find each other!"

At her voice, the boy with the headband rose to his feet and Riolu followed suit. "Oh, yeah, thanks so much for helping us!" He rushed Ash until the boy was backed into a garbage can. "If it weren't for you, I might never have seen Riolu again!"

"I'm sure you would have found it eventually," Gary muttered, but if Cameron heard, he paid no mind.

"Riolu is my best friend, and if we lost each other, it would be the worst, right Riolu?" Riolu yipped it's agreement. "I can't thank you enough! What's your name?" Ash hesitated, but a pointed look from Misty and he choked out a reply.

"I...I-I'm Ash..."

"Nice to meet you! I'm Cameron! Is this your fist League Competition? It's definitely mine!" he carried on without waiting for a reply. "I was going to compete in the Unova League, but I missed that competition because I thought the tournament was going to be in Johto. Turns out it was in Unova all along!"

Cameron laughed, but the rest of us stared at him. "Why would the Unova Conference be anywhere _but_ Unova?"

"I dunno, that's what I thought, though. I was going to compete in Indigo the year before, but I thought it was only seven badges and that the tournament was being held in the Whirl Islands, haha!" We all shared some looks between us before Misty spoke up.

"...do you know where you are _now_?"

"Of course, I'm at the Indigo Platuea, right?" There was a sigh of relief from our friends. "I almost didn't get registered in time, but Nurse Joy let me squeak in right under the wire. She's so nice!"

"...yeah..." Ash replied, starting to warm up to the new arrival. He was pretty brash, but also genuine and gregarious. Cameron beamed back at Ash, but then his face dropped.

"Oh, no! Now that I've found Riolu, I can't remember where we were going!" It seemed Riolu didn't know, either, and Cameron pulled on his headband and snapped it back. "Ouch! Oh, yeah, there's the brainwave! We were going to the Pokemon Center! Gotta heal up before my next match!"

"You... you're in the s-semifinals...?" Ash asked quietly, and Cameron nodded.

"Yeah! You, too, right! You're the trainer in red everybody's talking about, aren't you?" Ash could only shrug, but Cameron didn't seem to mind. He grabbed Ash's hand and shook it so hard I almost fell off his shoulder. "I can't wait to face you! I hope it's a full five on five battle!"

"...s-six..."

"Say what?" Cameron didn't miss a beat, still wrenching Ash's arm off even as our whole crowd of friends were face-palming.

"Um... full matches, like, at the League, it's six pokemon..." Cameron looked blown away by this information and insisted that it couldn't be true. "No, i-it's... it's six, I watch the League on TV, I..." Ash seemed at a loss for words and torn between frustration and giggling, "...this is my life, I _know_..."

"Well, if you're sure!" Cameron chirped, and he finally let go of Ash's hand to wave. "Six on six, then! Can't wait to fight you! Come on Riolu, we gotta go!"

"Goodbye!" Riolu chimed, and the two of them were off like a shot. The rest of us just watched with stunned expressions.

"Weird kid," Bianca commented, and Misty nodded.

"You think he might be dyslexic or something?"

"I like him," Ash declared, and all the rest didn't seem to matter to him.

* * *

><p>Our three parties eventually split up and went to our separate stadiums, and Ash and I took our places to begin the battle. I was so eager to fight, not only to show off for Max but because Ace and his team were good, and their synchronization was flawless. Yes, they had a tendency to make card puns that was really annoying, but their skill couldn't be questioned. And yet, for all my anticipation, I was forced to watch Ash send out Quilava to face Ace's Sceptile, and Krabby to face Slugma. By the end of Krabby's battle I was vibrating with energy, and Ash was laughing at me.<p>

"Don't worry, you'll get your c-chance," he chuckled, but the next pokemon Ace sent out was a Kangaskan. That thing had to be at least a foot taller than the average Kangaskan, and I started doing the math in my head. This was the last three-on-three match, and we'd already used two pokemon...

Ash sighed and pulled a pokeball out with a rueful look at me. "Sorry."

"Jerk," I muttered affectionately, and sat back to watch Torterra take Kangashkan to task. I'd have to be content in fighting the next match. I spared a few glances to the sidelines and saw Max's excited face. Seemed he was feeling better.

Whether I fought or not, the battle had the effect I'd hoped, and Max was clapping and praising Ash's victory like he had when we were traveling together. He also criticized certain strategy elements, which only made the whole thing more normal, even though Ash didn't seem to appreciate the ribbing.

Gary also won his match, and had actually beaten his opponent so quickly that he was able to make it over to watch our match before Quilava had finished beating down Sceptile. "Don't be so impressed, the chick had six Magikarp."

"Well, to make it all the way to the semi-finals, they must have been pretty good."

"They were six Magikarp!" Ritchie did not have such good fortune, as he had been up against the trainer with the Zapdos.

"We tried our best, but we just couldn't take that thing down," he said with an easy grin, playing off any disappointment he might have felt. But a look passed between him and Gary. "There's only eight competitors left now. The odds are pretty good one of you will have to face her in tonight's match."

"They won't draw our new opponents for a few more hours," Gary said, giving Ash a sideways look that went ignored. "There's no point getting stressed about it." Ash very firmly agreed, and we all marched back to the cabin and tried to talk of other things. But I heard Gary tell Ritchie in a hushed voice that he wanted to face that Zapdos trainer before she got to Ash.

I didn't want to act like I didn't have confidence in my trainer, but I was also a little worried at facing down a legendary electric pokemon.

There was nothing to do but wait for the new match-ups to be announced, so everyone scattered to their own activities. Misty, Dawn and May went out to explore the League grounds, Brock and Cilan began making lunch preparations, Luke started logging and labeling clips from the previous day, and Ash plunked himself down in front of the computer with the DVD from Silver.

"'M gonna watch this now, watch this now, so I'd like to be alone, please," he told me, and as curious as I was about the subject, I couldn't barge in where I wasn't welcome. With a sigh in my heart, I went outside while Ash slid the DVD into the drive.

The situation between the two fascinated me, and also reminded me of my own parents. But I didn't have the connection to them that Ash seemed to have to his father figure, nor was I reaching out in the same way. I sometimes thought it would be nice to see them again and resolve some things, but not enough to actually take steps to try, they were too far removed from me. The pain in my heart had been dulled by long years of absence, and the love between us hadn't been strong enough to keep us connected through the distance.

But Ash was different. His absent father returned, and though Ash had willingly held him at arm's length, there was a part of him still crying to close the gap. I remembered back to when Brock accused Silver of not visiting Ash in the hospital and how Ash had broke down and cried. With the power of hindsight, I could see why the idea terrified him so much, and in his journals, Ash still called him 'Dad'.

It wasn't really any of my business, but I wished I could be present and see the resolution process. However, if Ash didn't want to share that with me, I had to respect that, and so I lay down in the lawn to soak up the sunshine.

I lay peacefully for several minutes before the shadow of Max was looming over me. "This is all your fault."

"What?" I sat up instantly. I couldn't believe my ears, but Max's face was dark and sullen.

"I heard Mom and Dad talking. You're the reason he's all wrong, aren't you?" That hadn't been completely proven, whether or not I was responsible for _all _Ash's current misfortune, and everyone seemed content to blame his speech and memory impediments on falling debris. But he wouldn't have gotten his head bashed in if it weren't for me, and all the Thunderbolts I'd thrown around certainly didn't make things better. Even if I could pass off responsibility for his aphasia and memory loss, there were still a bunch of pills in Ash's backpack and scars around his hairline that were absolutely, non-negotiably my fault.

But it hurt to hear Max say so. "I didn't mean to..." I was so weak. Why couldn't I confront him, why couldn't I reply confidently? Was it because deep down I knew Max was right?

"I hate you," Max whispered, balling up his little fists. He was too quiet to be heard, even if all our friends weren't off doing other things, and all I could do was stare. "I wish you would disappear!"

"But-" And Max took off, running inside the cabin. I couldn't follow him, too shaken by what he'd said. Surely he didn't mean it, he was probably just having trouble adjusting to this new situation, just like we all had in the beginning...

...But his words hung around me all the rest of the day.

* * *

><p>"G-guhlalie, ugh, g-glal-lie... stupid, why? G-g-glal-lie..." Ash was in the bathroom, drilling himself into a mirror. I wouldn't have interrupted him, except it was time to go to our second match of the day. "Guh-guh-guhla, g-la-lie, ugh!"<p>

I knocked on the door and pushed it open. "It's me. Time to leave." I tried to infuse some enthusiasm into my voice, but I couldn't quite manage it. My thoughts all kept flying back to Max telling me how much he hated me.

"Can't... I can't get it, making mistakes, too many mistakes," Ash practically spat at his reflection. He was getting frustrated with himself. "G-guh-la-See? Can't even do it, can't even say his name."

"Try singing it." I hopped up on the counter, hoping my demeanor would pass for calm, not apathy. Ash grit his teeth, but eventually sighed and started stammering out Glalie's name to the tune of 'Happy Birthday'.

"Guh... gla-lie, glalie, gu-glalie-e, glalie, glalie glalieee... Glalie glalie glalieeee..."

"See, you can do it. So, relax. This next match is going to be against that Cameron kid, it'll be fun!" But the thought of facing Ash's new friend wasn't enough to take the gloom off his face. Something was bothering him, and I suspected I knew what. "You watched that DVD, right? What did Silver say?"

"I donnnwanna talk about it... Wasn't bad," Ash amended when he caught my eyes, "Jussss... gave me a lot t-to think about, about..."

I could only imagine. "Well, you have a match now, so you need to let all of that go for a bit." It was hypocritical of me to say so, when Max's words hung over me like a cloud.

But Ash nodded and took a deep breath. "Glalie... knows, knows Ice Beam, Ic-y W-wind, Double T-team and... and Headbutt."

He looked at me for confirmation and I smiled. "See? You're just fine." With that settled, the two of us ran off to join the others and I did my best to take my own advice and leave my unhappy thoughts behind for a few hours. It wasn't easy when I saw Max and he turned away in a huff.

But we had an encounter on the road that did cheer me up. "Ash! Ash Ketchum, is that you?"

Ash turned towards the voice but didn't answer, his face showing no recognition. A tall, muscled man with a young girl in pigtails ran up to us. It took a few seconds, but Misty did seem to recall a name. "Is that Anthony?"

"And Rebecca! I could never forget such a beautiful face!" Brock sang, causing the poor Rebecca to back up a step. Misty grabbed Brock's ear before things got out of hand.

"Cool it, Romeo."

As for me, I was less concerned with these people, but the Pokemon they had arrived with...

"_Primape?!_"

"Pikachu!" I leapt from Ash's shoulder and ran forward to my old teammate, who nearly clobbered me with his giant fists in his attempt to hug me. "How have you been?"

"Great!" I said, leaving months and months out of that summary. "And you? Are you the P1 Champion yet?" To answer, Primape posed a little to show off an enormous gold belt.

"I'm the _everything_ champion," it gloated, and I laughed to myself. Same old Primape. "I saw you guys battling on TV, and decided I had to come up and see you!" Primape said, while the man he'd come with, who I now recognized as the fighting pokemon trainer, was telling Ash and Misty the same thing. "I wanted you guys to see how strong I'd gotten!"

"You mean show off!" I teased, but then overheard Misty's voice.

"... there was an accident..." That hateful phrase that proceeded every one of our reunions. My heart sank to think that Ash probably wouldn't remember Primape, and the fighting pig in front of me probably wouldn't take it well.

At the moment, Primape was waving at Ash, and just starting to realize something was wrong. "Hey, what gives? It's like... Did you forget all about me?" He was probably the first member of the team to say that with anger. "You did! You acted like such a friend, but I wasn't ever important to you! You left me behind and forgot!"

"Ash has amnesia!" I blurted out, trying to intervene. Ash was looking back and forth between us and Anthony. "He got caught in a collapsed building and doesn't remember anything!"

"Oh, yeah _right_!" Primape snapped, and underneath all the aggression I saw genuine hurt. "Who'd believe a story like that?"

"Well, it's true!" I yelled back. "It's not his fault, he lo-" But I was interrupted by Ash, who knelt down in front of Primape.

"Th-that's a really nice belt... you fought hard for it, huh?"

"Yes!" Primape's pride shone through it's tears. "Are you proud?" At those words, all my anger dissolved. Primape had left of his own accord, but he had clearly never forgotten Ash. All this time, he must have clung on to the memory of friendship, waiting for Ash's valuable praise.

But he didn't exist in Ash's memory. "I'm sorry, I d-" Ash swallowed, "I mean, I w-wish I could have seen your matchesss. I bet you were pretty cool, pretty cool..." Primape nodded and flexed his muscles, some of his tears being replaced by cocky grins.

"Pretty cool? I'm the ultimate cool! I'm the best!"

"Bet you're pretty strong... my team's strong, too, strong, too..." Ash extended a hand to Primape. "Wanna come with us for a bit? Battle some gr-great Pokemon?" Primape's eyes grew wide, and before anyone could react, he had Ash in a bear hug, almost choking the poor boy out of oxygen. I sat back and watched them, wiping a few tears of my own away. I hadn't thought I would ever see Primape again.

I also hadn't really expected Primape to care. If anything, I thought Primape was the one who'd forgotten about us. His whole focus was on fighting, and it was so rare to see love and affection from him. Ash was the only one who'd really managed to form a real bond there.

But Ash had a way of changing people. Before I met Ash, I hated everything. There was nothing to smile about, no point in making efforts towards friendship, no reason to be careful or considerate with my life or anyone else's. He changed all that for me. He made life into something worth living, and even setbacks and failures were something to be enjoyed.

Primape was here because he felt the same way. All of us were here because Ash changed something in us, reached a part of our soul that we had abandoned. I was very lucky to have him for my friend.

With Primape now a part of the team again, we raced to the Pokemon Center to have him registered for the next match. He replaced Scraggy, who was probably disappointed to be switched out, but I didn't think he was ready for a League match, anyway. But while Ash took care of that, I found a couch in the Pokemon Center lobby and stretched out. Not far from me, a group of trainers had caught sight of Ash and were chatting excitedly.

"That kid from Pallet Town, he's pretty good, right?"

"Yeah, I'm glad I don't have to face him in the next round!"

"He doesn't talk much, though..." I wrinkled my nose, taking offense even though it was only an observation.

"Maybe he can't. I heard a bunch of trainers talking about this earlier, I guess it was all over the news in Unova..." Oh, great. The whole world knew our story, right down to the details. That shouldn't have bothered me like it did, considering we were allowing Luke to make a documentary about our lives.

But Luke was a friend, and Ash had also made it clear that some things were private. "But that's only half the story! This guy from Viridian told me that kid was attacked by his own Pikachu!" That, for example.

"No way!" How did people know about that? It wasn't as if we publicized the fact. Could the rumor mill have really carried so far?

"Yeah, Thundershocked him until he got brain damage!"

"You're making that up!"

"You can look it up online. There's tons of posts about it." _No..._

No, it wasn't fair that the whole world got to see my worst mistake. Why couldn't it stay private? I stopped stretching and saw that Max was only a few feet away, and by the sneer he gave me I knew he'd overheard. He walked over and I felt dread, nothing he had to say would be good.

"You're supposed to be Ash's best friend," Max whispered snidely. "More like worst friend. I can't believe he ever liked you." Sometimes I couldn't believe it either. The air around me seemed to be growing colder, and I shivered. Max was frosty to me with every chance he got, and these people were generating pure ice. "I can't believe he still lets that Pikachu near him."

"I know. I'd have released the thing as soon as I could, not let it ride around on my shoulder."

"Hey, Pikachu!" The sound of Ash's voice made me jump out of my skin. He was beaming too broadly to have overheard this conversation, happily oblivious while reality had punched me in the gut. "Ready to go?" I flinched when his and reached out to me, and the surprised look on Ash's face made me feel even worse. Across the room, I felt Max and the other trainer's eyes on me, all judging.

"I'm ready," I replied, but my voice felt thin and far away. But that was nothing next to the judgment I cast on Ash's voice when he started chatting again. It wasn't just the stutters or the involuntary repetition, but the slight slur that sometimes crept in or the way he paused and rushed in places that seemed unnatural, the way speaking with confidence was so obviously a laborious task that hesitation and questioning had become part of his natural cadence. How could I pretend the entire world didn't notice the change that was so glaring to me? How could I act so casually when Ash couldn't talk like a normal person? Even Max, who had always looked up to Ash despite being so smart himself, now looked down upon his friend.

It wasn't about capability anymore. Maybe Ash could command a pokemon battle and win, but no one would ever respect him as an equal. He would always have difficulty expressing himself, and would forever be trying to convince others that his disability did not reflect on his intelligence. He would be taking medication for the rest of his life to keep the tremors at bay, just praying that the degeneration really had stopped with surgery and pokemon training, his greatest love and joy, now had fears scattered through it like a minefield. And I dared to act like we were equals?

We would never be equals. We would never be partners like before. Even if Ash forgave me and moved on with his life, I couldn't ever allow myself to forget what I did or that being near Ash, let alone battling with him, was a greater privilege than I deserved.

Those thoughts tormented me all the way to the stadium, even as the referee signaled for Ash and Cameron to take their places. The two boys were excited and waving at each other from across the field, but I couldn't share their enthusiasm. Even as the battle began, there was no excitement or joy in my heart. My opponent was a Swanna, but I barely registered that, too busy trying to force my clamorous thoughts down. One thing was sure, I had to win this battle.

"P-pikachu, use Elec-ctro Ball!" What was Cameron thinking? That Ash was stupid and this would be an easy win? That Ash was nervous? What about the people in the crowd, were they wondering how my trainer could possibly have made it so far? Were they wonder how he could stand to battle with me now that I'd made him this way?

"Swanna, Wing Attack!"

"Dodge, dodge!" Ash's voice snapped me out of my thoughts, but not quickly enough for me to get out of the way. Swanna smacked into me with it's wing and I went rolling across the field. "Focus! Coming round ag-again!"

I did manage to dodge the second one, and Ash had me use Thunderbolt. It did heavy damage, but I was still at half power, so Swanna was far from finished. If I could have gone full power, I might have ended this quickly, but I couldn't do that without Ash's permission. I couldn't break his trust like that, and his trust was a gift I didn't deserve.

But what if Cameron figured it out? What if he saw how weak my Thunderbolt was compared to Iron Tail, and realized the truth? Surely he heard the rumors, and if he decided that Ash was afraid of Electric attacks, one Electric-Type would shut our whole team down. Even if Cameron wouldn't, there must have been one of our competitors who would, and that girl with the Zapdos wouldn't even have to try to intimidate Ash. He'd rebuilt a lot of confidence since his first qualifier, but that didn't mean he'd conquered every last fear.

"Pikachu!" I was hit in the face by Bubblebeam and knocked off my feet. I should have seen that coming, but it was so hard to focus. "T-try Iron Tail!" I ran in to obey, feeling a little desperate. I had made some mistakes that had cost us a lot of ground, and I had to close this match.

But Swanna was fast, and Iron Tail hit only air. "Again!" No matter how many times I tried, neither Iron Tail nor Ash's call for Electro Ball could hit. "Quick Attack into Thunderbolt!" Quick Attack got me close enough to connect Thunderbolt, but Swanna was able to break out of it and Wing Attack me back to the dirt.

"Now, Featherdance!" When I tried to spring back to my feet, my vision was obscured by a mass of down, but I could hear Ash's voice calling out.

"Coming straight at you, Thunderbolt!" I charged up an Thunderbolt and fired, keeping the charge going despite how weak I felt after Featherdance. Through the falling feathers, I started to make out Swanna's form, still racing closer and closer despite my attack.

"Go down, already!" I screamed out, watching the bird barreling closer and closer. If I couldn't fell Swanna I was going to be Wing Attacked in the face, but Thunderbolt had been reduced too much, it wasn't going to be enough.

Closer and closer Swanna came, and Ash finally called for me to dodge. "Then, 'Lectro Ball!

"Swanna, Bubblebeam!" I barely had a chance to turn my head before I fired Electro Ball into a sea of blue, and the world exploded and shook around me.

"You're done, Swanna, you're done," I hissed through my teeth as the sand kicked up and blurred my vision. It didn't matter how weak and tired I was, or that I had a poor start, I absolutely couldn't lose here! I had to hang on, had to keep standing long enough for Swanna to fall. Even as the legs under me were shaking and giving way...

A second later, I became cognizant of Ash's arms around me and his slow, steady steps back to the trainer's box. I snapped my eyes open and fought back exhaustion to crane my neck and find Ash's face. "Did I...?" His face wasn't joyful or triumphant, that was for sure. "Oh... I am _so_ sorry..."

"Fine, you're fine. Did your best..." Ash soothed, but his heart wasn't completely in it. We both knew that wasn't anything near my best. "Just rest now, 'k? Don't worry ab-about anything..." That was impossible, I was worried about everything. The stadium buzzed with voices and all of them were probably talking about me.

I wanted to crawl into a hole and die there. "Are you...?" Ash frowned as he set me down, eyes full of concern. "Are you okay? You seem-"

"I'm fine," I said quickly, putting on the bravest face I could. "You just win that match, don't think about me." Even though I wanted to pass out on the ground, I forced myself to sit up and look enthused.

"Rest," Ash ordered, but he retrieved his cocky grin as he stood up. "We won't lose this." Good for Ash, always having a positive attitude, even as I was losing matches I had no business losing. If we failed here because of me, I would never forgive myself.

"Go, Primape!" Primape erupted from his pokeball and proceeded to tear apart everything Cameron threw at it. It was only when the kid sent out a Hydreigon that Primape met a challenge. He'd certainly been training hard in his absence, and thank goodness, since someone needed to make up for my failure. The crowd might laugh at the degenerate Pikachu Ash was training, but Primape was something they had to respect.

Primape wanted to be here, deserved to be here. He had a temper, that was for sure, but also loved Ash and had been a better friend to him than I. I never should have been fighting this match, shouldn't even be in Ash's party.

When Ash finally took down the last Pokemon in Cameron's party, I didn't celebrate. I didn't jump up when Ash offered me his shoulder, and he had to carry my sulking form all the way to the Pokemon Center. And even after being healed, I still felt beaten and lifeless. It was enough to worry Ash, and he declined a celebratory dinner with the others to find us a secluded booth in the back of a small restaurant.

"So, what happened, happened?" Ash asked me over a basket of fries nearly drowned in ketchup. "'s anything wrong?"

"What, I'm not allowed to lose a battle anymore?" I grumbled, and Ash sat back.

"Don't mind that, you just seem sad..." 'Sad' didn't even begin to describe it. "Can I help?"

He was already helping more than he should. He shouldn't be bothering himself with me, and I couldn't stand up to that benevolence anymore, but it was also ridiculous that I should be complaining that Ash loved me too much.

"I'll be fine," I told him, and I ate enough fries and ketchup that I nearly made myself sick, and the act I put on seemed to convince him. Once we were back at the cabin I didn't need to try so hard, because Ash's attention was captured by Gary and his team's loss that afternoon.

The trainer who had beaten them was that girl and her Zapdos, and I could tell that Gary's consternation over the loss had nothing to do with his placement in the League. He had wanted to take down that Zapdos so Ash wouldn't have to.

But that was out of his control now. There were only four trainers left in the tournament and according to the match-ups, we would be facing that Zapdos the next morning. Ash looked nervous but he was determined, meanwhile, my stomach was tying itself in knots. Even before the accident, that would have been a tough match for us, and now so much had changed. Losing wasn't the end of the world, but to lose in front of all those people to an Electric-Type, with all of them knowing Ash's history...

It would be crushing. Humiliating. And what if we lost because of Ash's fear, or my own incompetence, rather than a true difference in strength and experience? We would never live it down. No, losing was not an option, but I didn't know if I could win. Not the way I had battled today.

"We'll just do our best, do our best, right?" Ash said to me, full of confidence that was mostly genuine, but I only smiled weakly. I was debating whether or not to tell him I shouldn't battle with him. It would have been better to replace me with somebody stronger. Someone who didn't choke, or have emotional baggage to get in the way of their job, and Ash could use to their full potential. Someone who didn't make the crowd change their cheers to whispers and rumors, or add extra reminders to how different Ash was from other humans.

But night came and I still couldn't bring myself to say it. Ash expected me to be at that battle, and I wanted to be by his side, even if it was a terrible idea. Didn't that make me a terrible friend?

I didn't sleep well that night. I dreamt that Ash and I were playing outside of the cabin. The scene started out picturesque, with sunshine and flowers and perfect smiles, but after some time, Ash's face fell and he turned to me with grief in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Pikachu," he kept saying. "I can't do it. I thought I could, and I tried so hard, but I just can't." Behind him, the clouds above grew thick and dark, thunder rumbling in the distance.

"Can't what?" I asked, but Ash didn't give me a straight answer.

"I'm so sorry, I can't do it. I'm just so stupid!"

"You're not!" I reached out to comfort him, my heart growing heavy. If only I could make him see how we all viewed him, surely he'd never have such feelings again.

Ash swiped at his crying face. "I am, I have to be! Only an idiot would be best friends with someone who throws them away whenever things get hard. I'd have to be the dumbest person on the planet to love someone who keeps hurting me, right? Why am I always so stupid?" I had been about to speak, but the words died in my throat and choked me. "I can't do it, I can't!"

"What?" I dared whisper, dreading the answer.

"Forgive you." _Please no... _ "I really thought I could, and I tried my best, but I can't help it..." Ash's eyes bored into me, full of tears and something even worse. "I just hate you so much!"

"No!" I desperately pleaded, but Ash disregarded me and pulled my Pokeball out. His face broke my heart, the tears cascading from eyes so full of desperation and pain. If he were asking for anything else, I would have wished away my soul to grant it. "Please, no!"

"If I break this, we won't be partners anymore," he continued to sob. "But that won't be enough to make you go away, will it? I have to lock you in here, so you can't hurt me again!"

"I don't want to hurt you!" I cried, running forward and clutching at his leg. He seemed so tall, so unreachable. "I'm sorry for everything!"

"That's not good enough, Pikachu! You're not good enough!" Ash yelled back, and it felt like he'd punched me in the gut. "It's your fault I'm like this! You're the one who did this to me!"

"It's true," Max said, appearing out of nowhere. "It's one thing to read about your attacks in a book, but another thing to feel them in person."

"It's because of you that Team Rocket chases me," Ash hissed, his anger growing to match his cascading tears. "It's because of you that I'm always running into danger, and getting blasted and electrocuted and crushed by buildings! You're the one who's always losing matches in the final rounds or having stuff go wrong with your attacks and embarrassing me! Every bad thing in my life has happened because of you!"

"Yup, yup," Max agreed, flipping through a textbook. "This is a scientific fact. Pikachu is useless, and dangerous, and greedy, and heartless, and..."

"But I-"  
>"If you were a Raichu, I bet you could have protected me." My heart stopped beating. "You'd win more battles, too, you wouldn't get captured by Team Rocket so often. Maybe you'd have finally gotten smart enough to realize you were killing me with your stupid Thunderbolt!"<p>

"Pikapi..." All my fears were real before my eyes. "Don't be like this..."

"Why?" Ash immediately challenged. "Because it hurts you? Because pretending I love you makes you feel better? I have to live with it every day, Pikachu! And I wish I could be grateful that I survived that accident, but I'm not! I wish just being alive could be worth it, but it's not!" Here, Ash lost some of his intensity and began to break down. "It's not worth it! But you're so helpless, you'd rather I live in agony just to keep me next to you!"

"It should have been you who got hurt," Max glared at me. "It would have been better that way."

"Didn't I tell you? You friends don't want you back." The voice of the Team Rocket boss was so smooth, but it sliced through me like a dagger. I whirled around to face him, and he smirked back at me with all the self-assurance I remembered.

"Now, Pikachu, let's continue with our training."

"Don't touch me!" But I couldn't move my feet, could barely resist at all, even as his hand reached closer and closer. That hateful metal collar snapped around my neck and I didn't do a thing to stop it, and I didn't run or attack when the boss began stroking my fur.

His hands were soft and gentle, but the petting made me want to throw up. "Stop it!" I began to sob, but still did nothing to actually try and escape, and the boss noticed.

"You're not a hero, Pikachu. Stop pretending to be." At some point, a knife made it's way into his hands, and only now did I begin to struggle. "You don't want him to save you. I'm the only one who knows what you really are."

"Please," I begged, watching the knife descend on me. It stopped above my heart, the blade cold against my skin. "Let me go!"

"It hurts less when you don't struggle," the boss said in his voice like molasses, "Obey your master, or I'll have to punish you." I bit back screams as the knife entered me, slicing me apart. "Who knows? You might even learn to like it."

The knife slid through my skin from head to toe, and the boss ignored my cries and please. "No one's coming to the rescue," he continuously told me, no matter how many times I called out Ash's name. "You don't actually want him to save you."

"Help me!" My voice was faint, and with every cut, both it and my resolve grew weaker. Finally the boss finished his task and pulled off my skin, revealing the black ugliness underneath. Stripped of my exterior, there was nothing left but toxic filth.

The boss vanished, but I wasn't alone. Dexter's mechanical voice echoed through limbo, so loud it was almost deafening. _"Pikachu, the Revolting Pokemon. Pikachu is a waste of existence who abuses its friendships and poisons everything it touches. Pikachu is useless, despicable, contemptible, degenerate..." _I looked up at Ash, who was staring back at me with a nauseated face.

"This is what you really are?" He shook his head. "Pikachu, you're disgusting."

I was disgusting. I was all the words Dexter was spewing out, and also selfish and desperate. "Please don't leave me!"

"Leave you?" Ash barked out a laugh. "I don't want you to exist! You killed me, you sleazy, little rat! You took my life away! My future! I'd be better off dead!"

"Well, you're not!" I shrieked back, not knowing where this frenzy was coming from. "You're not dead, you're alive, breathing, living! And I have news for you," I looked him straight in the eye. "You will never hate me as much as I hate myself." Ash froze for a minute, and then his face grew dark. He stomped over to me and every step seemed to cause a small earthquake.

I would have run, since there was clearly murder in his eyes, but just like with the boss, I couldn't bring myself to flee. I wasn't sure I wanted to be saved.

Ash grabbed me and started shaking me vigorously. "Pikachu! Pikachu, wake up! Wake up!"

"Huh?" My head spun with stars and my teeth were rattling, and the blackness behind Ash was melding into brighter colors.

"Wake up!"

With a jolt, I did come to myself, and realized I was safe and whole on top of a soft comforter. Ash was crouched next to me, his hand gently shaking my shoulder, but he yanked it away the second he saw I was awake. He didn't even want to touch me, and even though it probably was because my cheeks were sparking slightly, it still hurt.

But it was all a dream, and I was in our bedroom at the Trainer's Village. Brock and Cilan were up and looking up at our bunkbed with concern, while Luke had his camera rolling until Ash told him to turn it off. I was in the world where everyone loved me, no matter what a horrible creature I was, and nobody found the current state of life to be earth-shatteringly vile. I was relieved, but it also felt so wrong.

"Pikachu? Ash? Everything okay up there?"

I rubbed my eyes and tried to settle myself back in reality. "Just a nightmare, nothing important," I kept repeating, until even I began to believe this was insignificant. But I couldn't fool Ash, and he watched me with an unreadable expression even as the others turned off the lights and returned to bed. Finally, he declared that he was going to get a glass of water, and he grabbed me around the waist to drag me with him.

Out in the kitchenette, I hopped up onto the table while Ash filled up two glasses of water and pulled up a stool. He plunked my glass down in front of me, and watched me jump a foot in the air. "You just surprised me!" I defended, suddenly feeling the need to explain everything. "That's normal! Nothing's wrong!"

"Sure..." Ash drew out that word with his disbelieving tone, and I kind of resented it.

"You have nightmares all the time!" I accused, "You have them when you're not even sleeping!"

"I know." He was so calm, and it aggravated me. For some reason, I wanted him to be agitated as well, not watching me like he knew all of my weaknesses. "It was j-just a bad dream, bad dream, right?"

"Right!" I replied, a little too quickly. Ash frowned.

"Have you been h-having a lot of bad-bad dreams?" I almost protested, but knew that even if Ash didn't remember some things from day to day, he wasn't an idiot. "Wanna talk about it, talk about it?"

"You wouldn't understand," I muttered. From the way Ash's eyebrows twitched, I knew I'd hit a nerve, even though I hadn't meant to with that comment.

"'M not dumb," he told me, barely concealing his hurt. "We talk all the time! Just 'cause I'm not a Pokemon, not a P-pokemon doesn't mean I'm too s-stupid to talk t'you!"

"No, that's not what I meant!" I said with so much waving of my arms that I almost knocked over my glass of water. "Just... it's complicated. And it's a dream! They don't mean anything!"

"You might... might feel better if you tell somebody."

"No, _you_ might feel better," I sneered. "You're the one who's so curious! I just wanted to go back to bed!" Ash opened his mouth but I interrupted him. "I'm not the one who had to take pills to deal with my problems, okay? For normal people, a bad dream is just a bad dream!" That one had hurt, Ash's face betrayed him. I should never have said something like that, never should have implied that there was any shame in his treatments or that he was abnormal for needing them. I had promised never to hurt Ash again, but here I was lashing out at every opportunity.

Ash's knuckles were white, but his tone was even. "...you're upset. That'ssssokay. You can talk to N-nurse Joy, that'll make you feel better, feel better..."

"No it won't," I grumbled, but Ash didn't really care.

"You're too mad, not yourself." He propped his chin up with his arms and looked away, his voice dropping in volume. "You need to talk to somebody... could talk to me..."

"I don't want to talk to you," I said, regretting how rude it sounded the second it left my mouth. "It's nothing! Just a stupid dream, it's not the big deal everyone's making it out to be!" Ash just watched me, face calculating.

"Was I... I in the dream?"

"No," I lied, and Ash saw through it.

"Did I hurt you, hurt you?"

"Of course not!"

"Because I wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't."

"I know that!"

"You don't." Ash's reply was blunt, and so casual. I found myself utterly speechless, and Ash just sighed. "You don't trust me, n-not really..."

"How can you say that?" I snapped out of my shock. "Of course I trust you!" Had I not spent every day trying to prove that, trying to rebuild the friendship between us?"

"I know you're... yeah, but you dream stuff, and think stuff, but you're wr-wrong. Can't let go, you like to torture yourself, you always want to be hurting. It'll make you sick." He fixed me with a serious look that made me feel guilty, ashamed of something I couldn't quite put my finger on. "I don't … I don't like to see you like this..."

How did he know me so intimately? Ash, who forgot things on a daily basis, dared to pretend he knew what I was thinking?

"Don't like to see me like this? I think you enjoy it!" I shouted back, feeling tears spring up from nowhere. Buried feelings finally finding an outlet. "Knowing you're the only person who can break me down and fix me up a million times! You're just loving that, aren't you?" Ash sat back, a sign of weakness, and it replaced my sense of powerlessness. "What do you want from me, huh? You want me to humiliate myself again? I tell you how I can't sleep because of the ghosts in my dreams, and you'll pat me on the head and make it all better, right? You want to play hero?" Though Ash looked both surprised and hurt, he didn't reply, so I questioned him again. "Does this make you feel special? What do you get out of it?"

After a few tense seconds, Ash leaned in and looked me in the eye. "Pikachu, l-listen to yourself."

And when I did, I hated what I heard. "I'm sorry..."

"I know," Ash sighed, seething anger and searing hurt battling for dominance underneath it. Wow, I was on a roll tonight. I might as well have brought up Gary and then rounded out the conversation with the absentee father issue. Why was it so easy to attack my best friend?

Ash brushed his fingers lightly against me before standing up. "Tomorrow, first thing, we'll go to the Pokemon Center, Pokemon Center... Talk to Nurse Joy, sh-she'll help you feel better..." He left the table and began walking to the door of the cabin.

"Where are you going?"

"Walk," Ash said without turning around, and I let him go. I'd hurt him, with my thoughtless words, and even though the door shut softly Ash might as well have slammed it.

I waited out in the kitchenette for nearly an hour, staring at the glass of water. Looking through the glass, everything was magnified, but also warped and distorted. Tiny objects that I'd normally overlook became massive and grotesque when viewed through this lens.

Was I watching my life through a distorted view now? Or had I been living in a warped reality for weeks, only now stumbling upon clarity?

I didn't come up with the answer, and eventually went back to bed. I couldn't sleep, though, and ended up staring at the ceiling until Ash came back from his walk. He didn't seem mad at me, but he also looked way too tired to keep talking, and for that I was grateful.

I moved over and Ash slid under the covers. "Shouldn't have left like that, sorry, sorry..." he mumbled, and I nodded back.

"I'm sorry, too." After a few seconds, Ash reached out to me and I let him collect me in his arms.

He pulled me close to his chest, and I felt the tension pouring from his frame. "Love you, 'k? Always, always... so please, please remember that... sleep and dream happy things..."

I made no promises, but tried my best.

* * *

><p>By the time morning came, Ash had forgotten his determination to drag me off to the Pokemon Center for counseling, and I was in no mood to remind him. I had expected him to forget; if he didn't write it down, the odds were pretty low that he'd remember resolutions made in the middle of the night. But if he'd forgotten that, he'd hopefully also forgotten the more hurtful parts of last night's conversation, like how I'd made fun of his weaknesses and insulted his desire to help me.<p>

But feelings didn't fade from his memory so easily, and the second Ash opened his eyes, I knew that he remembered being miserable last night and that I had been involved. But he didn't say anything about it, and I was left to wonder just how many details he recalled and how I should go about making amends. A simple apology didn't seem like enough.

I thought about it all through our morning routine, trying to find little nice gestures to fill in until I could come up with something intelligent to say. I kept thinking about it as we came out to breakfast, but I was distracted from those thoughts when I ran into Max.

Ash was off helping our friends set the table, and no one was paying much attention to us. "You're awful, Pikachu!"

I knew that, but I don't think resigned acceptance was the reaction Max had expected. His face was surprised, and he growled a bit as he came up with a new insult. It hurt to see his cute, little face so twisted in hatred.

"I wish Ash never met you! Then he'd be friends like before and everything would be perfect!" Maybe it would be. What if Ash had been given a different Pokemon that day, one that listened and didn't come with life threatening electric charges? No Team Rocket, no daily life risking, no hospitals and surgeries. No best friend who was constantly turned against him, no neurological disorders to slowly kill him, no pill bottles with unpronounceable names that brought as many side effects as cures. Maybe his life would have been perfect.

If I had a Celebi in my sights, I'd have gone back in time to find out. "I hope Ash throws you away," Max continued, stepping forward and backing me up against the wall. "I hope the Unown make a new reality where no one remembers who you are! I hope Palkia comes by and makes you disappear to another dimension! If you were gone, everything would be better!"

I suddenly felt threatened, horribly threatened by a tiny little boy. I didn't have a right to feel that way, I'd nearly killed one twice Max's size, but I was suddenly so scared. "Pika~"

"What, did I make you mad? You gonna shock me, too?" Max taunted, and I shrunk before him, feeling terrified, helpless and so completely worthless...

… and just like he always had before, my savior appeared in the last moment.

"What-What did you say? Why?" Ash yelled as he stomped over, and for a minute I thought it was me he was screaming at. But he grabbed Max by the arm and wrenched him away from me, fury tattooed on every line of his face. "You said stuff, mean, heard you, _why?_" Max started to bawl and May ran over to save her brother.

"What's gotten into you, Ash? Max? What's going on?"

"He told P-pikachu, said mean things, made him cry, cry!" It was only then that I realized I was crying. At May's insistence, Ash let go of Max and moved closer to me, but I shrunk back from him, too. I didn't want anybody to get close, I was far too unsettled.

This made Ash all the more frustrated with Max, and he snapped back at the boy. "You're scared, is that it? It has to be Pikachu's fault, 'cause if it's not, if it's not his fault then it's nobody's fault, and if it's nobody's fault, bad things just happen to anybody!" His anger had unlocked something in him, rage blocking most of his verbal ticks. I hadn't seen Ash so angry in a long time. "Next time it could be you, or May, or your mom and dad, nothing's safe! Is that it, is that it?"

It seemed that Ash had hit on something, because Max had begun crying. "Everything's wrong! You're not supposed to be like this! Pikachu was supposed to be your best friend!"

"P-pikachu _is_ my best friend!"

"But you got hurt because of Pikachu!"

Ash's face darkened and his voice was icy. "I got hurt because a building fell on my head!"

They could argue and Ash could defend me all they wanted, but I couldn't take anymore. I knew the truth, and how worthless I really was. I ran from the cabin as fast as I could, ignoring Ash's cries for me to come back. I could outrun him easily.

I pushed myself as fast as I could, trying to put more and more distance between me and the train wreck I'd left behind. My friends were fighting because of me. Ash was hurt because of me. We nearly lost yesterday's match because of me.

Nothing stopped me until I reached the lake, and it was there that I slipped on the bank and was finally forced to halt. For a minute I struggled to get back on my feet, but eventually gave up and collapsed into the mud. It didn't matter anymore, there was no place far enough to escape what I was running from. I just wanted to be left alone and pretend I didn't exist in the same world as my tumultuous feelings.

I heard Ash come up behind me. I didn't move, even though I wanted to run away. Even though I wanted to struggle against the arms that enveloped me and lifted me away from the mud, I couldn't. My ego and my heart wanted two different things. I refused to turn around or look up, and instead fixed my gaze on the pool below, where only the barest of ripples marred the reflection of our faces. Mine was disgusting, covered in snot and grime and tears. I was disgusting, but Ash was looking at me with such love and concern as he held me so securely in his lap.

"You know, Max, he said, what he said was wrong. You're good, and, a-and I like you a lot..." I refused to listen. We'd been through this dance again and again, but always ended up here. What was the point of it anymore? "He doesn't know, don't let him make you feel bad..." Ash seemed to sense that I wasn't listening to him, and I saw the face of his water doppelganger change into something sad.

"Wanna know one of the sc-scariest things, one of the scariest things about you?" That was a non-sequitur if I'd ever heard one. But I imagined Ash had a nice, long list of things I did that terrified him. I didn't give him a response.

Ash's arms tightened around me and he rested his chin on top of my head. "How easy is it to lose you..." I hadn't been expecting that. Despite myself, I inclined my head a little, then thought better of it and turned away. Ash just sighed. "A world with you not in it, it hurts, hurts to even think about, even when you're all... um, lightningy, like that, still better than no lightening and you gone..." Sweet, but that didn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

"But no matter how hard I try, how hard I try to protect you, there's stuff I can't save you from. Stuff... won't let me save you from..." Ash continued, one of his hands softly stroking the fur under my chin. It was such a comforting action, but I felt guilty to let myself enjoy it. "I don't want to lose you... But if you stay like this, you're gonna get sick again."

Ash's reflection in the lake was so morose that I couldn't help speaking. "Sick?"

"Like... um, not like, uh... more like your heart, it wants to throw up..." Ash explained. "And hurting makes you feel good for a bit, for a bit, but then you feel more empty. That sick."

Oh. _That_ sick... But what did he want me to do about it? What did he think_ he_ could do about it? At this point, wouldn't it be better to just let me go? I was useless to him, to everybody.

I looked down at the picture we made, reflected in the water. It wasn't quite accurate, and the lake wasn't a perfect mirror. It missed a lot of the details, and every time a ripple moved through the whole image shifted. The colors were more faded, and it couldn't convey the depth of three dimensions.

But it was still enough to bring me to tears, and Ash pulled me closer to him. "So, um, I watched that um... circle thing, from S-silver... He, uh, said a lot of stuff, told me... I don't know if, I mean, just because he explains it, doesn't change all my feelings, you know? It's hard, it's hard... But I think... maybe when I'm o-older, I'll understand, and it won't hurt so much."

I didn't know where he was going with this, and kept my gaze fixed on the water. With every ripple, a new Ash and Pikachu were born, the image never seemed the same after each disruption. The water wouldn't hold still long enough for me to study the details, forever moving rhythmically against the shore. "P-pikachu... when you're older, maybe, maybe stuff will happen and you'll understand, too. Or maybe you w-won't, maybe you'll never understand, and that's okay, that's okay, too. But this, right now, how I feel about you and being a pokemon trainer, and loving you... that's all special. It makes_ you_ special. And it doesn't go away." I heard Ash's voice crack, and even though I couldn't see his reflection clearly enough to make out his face, I could see it so clearly in my mind. Every glistening tear, the way his muscles stretched and clenched with an emotional pain, every gentle curve of his face was conveyed in his voice as he leaned in close to me. "That's all you need to understand right now, okay, I love you, an'you're sspec-special, and nothing makes that go away. Even if you pretend it's not there, it doesn't go away. Okay?"

His hands felt cold. His presence was warm and inviting, but his hands were cold, even through his gloves. I wanted to warm them up, but I didn't know how.

I didn't know how to give him any of the things he wanted. "Pikachuuu..." I sighed in a defeated tone.

"If, if you don't want to fight today, I understand," Ash told me, voice steady again. "Like to have you there, but I'll be fine, I'll be fine. This battle, sss not just about me, about you, t-too. So, do what you h-have to, okay? Tell me what you need, I'll make it right..."

Except I didn't know what I needed. Sensing my unrest, Ash set me down again. "Do you need time to think? We, we have a couple hours..." I nodded my head, not so much because I actually planned on making a decision, but more because I wanted to be alone. Ash stood up and gave me a gentle smile. "Think, then. I won't make you fight, if you n-need something else. I j-just want you to feel right again." When faced with that, I suddenly felt overwhelmed. I could battle, I could sit this one out, I could sit out the whole tournament. I could run off to some faraway region where I could never hurt Ash again. I could do anything, but had no idea what I _should_ do.

Ash turned to walk away, but I called him back. "Wait, what do _you_ want?" Because I had no idea what was best. Should I fight this battle, _could_ I fight this battle? Or maybe disappear out of existence, since this conversation seemed to be about so much more than a pokemon match. "Come on, tell me!" Ash didn't seem to want apology or recompense, he didn't want to punish me, but Max and so many other people did. Sometimes I wanted to punish myself. Nurse Joy had talked to me about that attitude so many times, but it wasn't until Ash said something like it that I put stock in it. But that didn't mean I knew how to make it stop, or if I even should. "What do you think I should do?"

Ash hesitated, finally shrugging his shoulders. "I dunno, you're sad so you should do wh-what makes you feel better, feel better." Except everything lately made me feel terrible. "You're not weak, I don't think that... it's not bad to rest this time..."

"But what do you think?" I pressed, feeling a little desperate. I didn't feel like I could make this decision, or any decision on my own. "Please?"

Ash crossed his arms, staring me down. "Won't make you fight Z-zapdos." But I kept pleading and he finally relented, "But you should. Because I know you can, and you should want to be your best."

"Then that's what we'll do!" I cheered, feeling so relieved. "Let's get going!" I would have run past Ash if the look on his face hadn't stopped me.

"Pikachu, the match isn't for a couple hours, couple hours..." he chided, and I skidded to a stop. "And you're covered in mud..." I looked down at my paws, realizing this to be true.

I was a total mess, inside and out. We couldn't go to a League match like this...

For the second time, Ash picked me up in his arms. "Let's go back, go back, and clean you up," he said in a kind voice. "You have time, so, so use it to th-think about stuff. And later, later we can decide what y-you need..." I relaxed into his arms, shutting everything out for a minute. Yes, that sounded like a good plan. Go back, clean off all the mud, and just think this through. I didn't know what I needed to make everything right, but I thought, for a brief, fleeting second, that I finally had a chance of figuring it out.


	23. Chapter 23

**Okay, so I lied, two more chapters. There was a lot to cover...**

* * *

><p>Chapter 23: ほのおが燃えて 風が舞い 泣き声とどろく あのバトルが (How flames burned, winds blew, cries echoed in that battle...)<p>

* * *

><p>I was well past the age where I needed help bathing myself, or anything else related to my personal care. I wasn't a baby who needed to be washed or fed, and I absolutely despised humans treating me as a pet. But I was also too old to be allowing childish taunts to send me snapping at my loved ones or breaking down into sobbing fits. I knew better than to behave like that, and if I wanted to be treated like a mature, independent being, I needed to act like one. So when Ash took off his gloves and began drawing a bath for me, I didn't say anything against it. Sometimes it was nice to put everything into someone else's hands.<p>

And after the last few days I felt I deserved some coddling. Between Max's comments, my nightmares and my awful showing in the last round, I could feel myself falling apart. It was nice to allow myself to be completely helpless for a few minutes while Ash washed all the mud and grime out of my fur. But even if I could lose myself in the hum of the hairdryer and the warm air blowing over my fur, I couldn't help but look over at the tub and wonder if all my problems could wash off and disappear as easily as silt down the drain.

This intimate moment of safety between me and Ash couldn't last forever. We had a match in less than two hours, and I was nowhere near my best. Physically, I was fine but I was an emotional mess and full of doubts I couldn't silence. Pretending those doubts weren't there until something buried them wasn't a long term solution. And if I were to be completely honest with myself, there was more going on in my psyche than simple doubt.

There was a deafening click as Ash shut off the hair dryer, and tension filled the room to replace the steam. Ash sat down on the edge of the bathtub and pulled his journal out of his backpack, skimming over a few pages in silence. I just settled on the counter and waited for him to speak, because I knew he wasn't going to let this go.

Finally, Ash took a deep breath. "I n-noticed you still have bad dreams, still have bad dreams," he said. "Noticed, but... but other than that, I thought you were happy..." I had thought so too. I thought everything was finally getting better.

But I should have known. "And the battle yesterday," Ash continued after turning a page, "You were dis-distract'd..." A nice way of saying I lost. "This is, like, the last rounds and, um, the pokemon and trainers are t-tough. If you aren't your best, you could get really hurt, get really hurt." I winced at his small lecture, but knew he was right. The part where I might lose and let down the whole team was left unspoken.

"Was it just Max? Saying mean stuff?" I thought about Ash's question and shook my head. Max's comments had shaken me up but they weren't the core problem. Ash looked away and his voice was a near whisper. "...Is it me?"

"No! Of course not!" I quickly cried out, and even though my voice wasn't raised, it felt like a shout compared to the quiet we'd experienced up until now. Ash, too, looked a bit startled.

My trainer paused for a bit, deliberating something, and it felt as if the light around him was dimming. Some cloud of thought was materializing above him, and it filled me with a sense of dread.

Finally, Ash spoke, eyes completely hidden by the brim of his hat. "P-pikachu, what if I _did_ hate you?"

I almost stopped breathing. I had too many nightmares where that was the case and enough experiences where it seemed Ash felt exactly that. I didn't dare answer the question, and Ash continued. "What if I blamed you for everything, everything, and said it was a-all your fault?" He gripped the edge of the bathtub until his knuckles turned white. "Would that make it true?"

I could only stare at him in horror. I wasn't sure if he was speaking hypothetically or finding a subtle way to tell me that the last few months were nothing but lies. Just thinking about it was like reliving that first day Ash had come out of his coma, not wanting to believe what my own eyes and ears were telling me.

Since I couldn't answer him without plunging into the bowels of Hell, Ash carried on, "You're the most disc-dis... um, you work so hard, to know attacks, like, other pokemon, they don't do that, don't do that... And, um, you fight battles with less power, like, half... or less... hardly ever use Thunderbolt now... Just because I asked, because I don't like it. But... but are you doing that b-because you're being n-nice, or because you have to, have to?"

"I... well, I know it scares you."

"But P-pikachu, you're... um, you... P-p... " Ash struggled with words for a minute before closing his eyes and continuing the sentence as a sung phrase. "P-pikachu, you're eleeeectric~, doesn't that get fruuuustrating~?" Oh, yes. Incredibly frustrating and Ash's eyes caught me as I tried to lie. "What if, what if you need something, what happens?" I was a little confused over the question, so Ash turned to his journal. "Here, um, a couple days ago, you were playing a game, a game... used Th-thunderb-bolt... um, and I got scared. Times like that?"

"That won't ever happen again," I declared. "It was a mistake."

"So now you can't play games?" Ash jumped on my words. "Bet you and I used to play like that all the time, all the time, right? O-other Pikachu play like that, lightning is how you talk, right? Say stuff with it-"

"Well now things are different!" I pleaded, and Ash's eyes narrowed.

"Because you're a nice friend?" he asked in a chilly voice that forced me to listen. "Or because you're _bad?_"

Both of us sat back after that comment landed. Ash had gotten his point across and I needed to think of an answer. "Aren't you still scared of my attacks?" I evaded.

"You're terrifying," Ash said flatly, and I flinched. "But, like, didn't you say you were sorry? And when I was scared, when I was scared, you tried to help?" His tone was gentle again, full of fondness. "And when I c-cried, you cried with me, and tried to make it right. But then Max says... Max says you haven't _suffered enough,_" Ash's voice regained some edge, "And that makes you bad. Other people tell you to keep hurting, you need to keep hurting and you believe them." I shifted under Ash's gaze. "Why do they m-matter? Other people don't get to tell you who you are, who you are... even me... what if..." Ash began to look nervous. "What if I got h-hurt again, and told you... y-you were b-bad and, and everything was your f-fault? ...I'd be wrong, not you. Because you did everything, said sorry and helped fix things... and if I don't' forgive you, or Max doesn't... it doesn't mean you're not good, or didn't do enough... Other people don't get to decide who you are, that has to come from you, has to come from you."

It wasn't that I didn't understand what Ash was saying, but it was easier said than done. Forgiving myself was hard enough when Ash and my friends showered me with love, but to have the confidence to do that without their support was almost unthinkable. But when Ash said, "Try to think about if me and you switched places," I realized he was right. The idea of Ash living as a slave to my good graces or having his worth defined by outsiders made me sick.

Ash smiled a little as he reached over to scratch behind my ears. "I'm really glad you don't do the, um... don't do big attacks, go all the way, or sh-shock me, but you should do that because we're friends, because we're friends, not because you don't deserve to or... or what you are is bad, or something..."

"Right..." I sighed. Even if I agreed, how I felt was another story.

Eventually Ash left me to my own thoughts and I went outside. The fresh air and sunshine did wonders for my mood, and I tried to puzzle out my feelings. The upcoming match loomed over me but I tried to banish that worry. This was so much bigger than being ready to fight one pokemon battle. I needed to be whole again, and whether or not I could focus on the fight was secondary, even if the thought of having to tell Ash I couldn't compete this time was heartbreaking.

To say I needed to forgive myself was only part of the problem. I thought I'd already done that, but all it took was one person telling me I didn't deserve it for the doubt to creep in. Ash was right, this wouldn't ever end until I was the one who decided it was enough, but there was a part of me that couldn't quite accept that I had that power. What if I was wrong, just being arrogant and thoughtless? How could I, the perpetrator, decide when I had served out my sentence?

It would be so much easier if there was a checklist to complete, or a measurable goal to achieve. If I did so many tasks or suffered for so many years, then I could be free. Say these things, do these actions and have a recipe for recompense, that way I could know if I'd truly done enough.

But life wasn't like that. Only Ash could decide what it would take for him to forgive me, and it was a different criteria than I had for forgiving myself. And no matter what the two of us decided, we couldn't change how the rest of the world saw the issue. Even Max would have his own opinion on how I should earn forgiveness. Was I expected to meet everyone's varied standards, or was I strong enough to be accountable only to myself?

The smells from the kitchen wafted over me with an enticing aroma and I wandered towards the kitchen, but as soon as I poked my head in I saw Max and immediately jumped back out of the room. I wasn't ready to face him yet, but I heard my name being tossed around and my curiosity forced me to stay at the door, listening through the crack.

"You know, I used to fight with Cilan the same way you fought with Pikachu," Brock was saying, and Max stopped sniffling for a second.

"Really?"

"Yes," Cilan agreed, "The two of us were a thoroughly distasteful combination. But we've since learned how to moderate our spicy natures."

"What did you fight about?"

"Oh, everything. It didn't matter what Cilan did, I would pick a fight over it. I said some really awful things back then."

"I was rather salty myself," Cilan laughed, and it felt like an abridged version of events. The last conversation they had at Ash's house was so sharp I could still cut myself thinking about it.

"But you guys are friends, right? So what happened?"

"Ash was sick," Cilan answered Max, "And neither of us could do anything about it but cook. The more helpless we felt, the more we went looking for someone to blame."

"You know how that feels, don't you, Max?" Max mumbled something I couldn't hear. "Blaming Cilan distracted me from how useless I felt, it made me feel powerful. And saying it was his fault provided a reason for Ash's accident. It couldn't happen again, because _I _would never make those mistakes."

"And Cilan blamed you, too?"

"Actually..." I felt the tension in the room shift. "I blamed myself more than anyone. I was with Ash that day and it's hard not to feel responsible, even if I know better. Cooking and cleaning around the house was something I could do to make up for that, until Brock started taking that away from me. It felt like Ash didn't need me, and if he didn't need me, then my feelings of guilt could never go away." That was something I could relate to. Seeing it in Cilan, I could say that there wasn't a scale between friends that needed to be constantly balanced or a tally being kept. Sometimes there would be mistakes and sadness, but friendship ran deeper than a few chores or accidents. Forgiveness, too, required something much less tangible.

Max was just a little kid, lashing out because he was scared. I was often guilty of the same behavior, and neither one of us truly meant what we'd said. Deep down, I knew Max didn't really hate me, and _he_ probably knew that, too. The idea of Ash being so irrevocably changed or that bad things could happen to good people was terrifying, and Max hadn't been through that whole journey yet. My friends and I had sniped and cursed each other with shameful abandon back in the Unova hospital, and Max was no more qualified for sainthood than any of us.

He'd hurt me, but I could forgive him and I was fairly sure he'd come around to asking for my forgiveness before too long. But what about the next person who thought I didn't deserve to tease and play with Ash like an equal, or the one after that? What if Ash himself changed his mind someday, did that take all these months of healing away from me?

"But both of us were wrong," Brock finished. "Right, Max?" There was a pause and some more sniffling before Max answered.

"I know I shouldn't have said that stuff to Pikachu," he whimpered. "But it has to be someone's fault, right?"

"No," Cilan's voice soothed. "It doesn't. Sometimes bad things just happen and we can't control them. But yelling at our friends is a bad thing you_ could _have controlled." I heard Max begin to cry. "You shouldn't have done that, and you need to apologize to Pikachu."

"I know that!" Max sobbed, "But it won't make everything better!"

"I don't know," Brock said wryly, "You might be surprised." After that, their voices dropped too low to hear without straining, and I decided I had enough eavesdropping. It was just distracting me from the inevitable conversation I needed to have with Ash, the one I wasn't sure I could have. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say.

Who was I? What was I? Was I a degenerate sinner, a redeemed soul, or a penitent servant? It was easier to let other people define me. It was simpler to let Ash tell me not to use electric attacks and let Max tell me I wasn't worth loving than to actually form my own thoughts on those matters. But if I was ever going to get past this, I had to ask the hard questions. I had to decide, once and for all, who I was and how I felt.

And at the core of everything, beneath the worry, sorrow, doubt, confusion and self-condemnation I felt love for Ash. That was the strongest emotion I'd ever felt, and the undercurrent through all my ups and downs. If I had one definable trait it was that I loved Ash, and that could never be called into question. I felt love for Ash, and those feelings drove me to action. Because I loved Ash, I would hold back electricity at his request. Because I loved Ash, I would give my very best in our pokemon battles and follow all his orders. Because I loved Ash, I would do everything in my power to make him feel that love, from expressing remorse to helping him achieve all his goals and dreams. If he asked for it, I would have given him the moon.

But I was also a being who made mistakes. Everybody made mistakes, but mine had some devastating consequences. Did that make me worse than other people? Did that negate all the love I felt? Or did it just make me normal?

I hadn't meant to hurt Ash. I hadn't known I was hurting Ash. He didn't tell me my electricity had injured him. Even if he had, the times Ash had been hit with damaging attacks were instances where I wasn't in control of my actions, or the consequences of not acting were greater than the risk to Ash's health. I had made the best choices I could with the knowledge I had. That tornado was created by nature, and Team Rocket got us stuck in it. I didn't do anything wrong.

_I didn't do anything wrong. _ From the very beginning, I had no reason to feel guilty. But I did, because I loved Ash and part of that love was wanting to protect him from harm and bring him joy. How could I help apologizing and trying to make recompense?

But it wasn't my fault, so guilt shouldn't have entered into it. What I should have felt was _sorrow._

I loved Ash, and I was sorry when bad things happened to him. Sometimes I made mistakes, and I was sorry for that, too. But I had already expressed my regret for all the parts I played in this accident and apologized for every mistake I caught myself making. I had put everything at his feet and done every conceivable thing to make things right between us.

It didn't matter if Ash accepted it, and it certainly didn't matter if anyone else did. This should have been over.

Intellectually, I knew all of this, but I still gave into doubts and fears too easily. I had been hurt, as Bulbasaur pointed out, by all the events that happened since that fateful day in Unova. I had changed. Both the accident and Team Rocket had scarred me, and for some reason, I couldn't let those wounds heal. And while I had Ash's support in spirit, he would be fighting his own internal battle as he faced that Zapdos. I needed him to be strong beside me, and surely he was going to need support from someone who wasn't struggling to hold themselves together.

But we didn't have that luxury today. We were both weak and fragile and desperate to prove we could lay our demons to rest. No one in their right mind would support a broken leg with another splintered piece of wood and expect to stand.

And yet, I wanted to believe that if Ash and I were united, we could create something strong.

I found Ash outside, sitting with Gary on the steps of the cabin. The two were engrossed in a conversation, so I waited for a lull and eavesdropped for the second time that day. Luckily, this conversation didn't seem as private as the first one. "B-but you're so good, Gary! You really don't like battling now, now?"

"It's not that I don't like it," Gary laughed. "I just like research more. I still train my pokemon to be the best they can be."

Ash pouted a little. "You're strong, strong, and really smart," he sighed. "Seems like a waste not to fight."

"I'm a strong trainer, but that's all I am," Gary said with a small toss of his head. "I realized that when we fought in the Silver Conference. The world has plenty of strong trainers, it doesn't need more. It needs more trainers like you."

Ash was quiet for a second, before, "...Silver Conference?" Gary gave him a playful shove. "What do you mean, trainers like me, like me?"

"I don't know how to describe it, but the things you're doing with your pokemon..." Gary trailed off, "It's more than physical strength, you're giving them something else. If I were training your team, they wouldn't have gotten that from me."

"Gotten what?"

"I don't know! I just said I can't describe it," Gary huffed. "But that's what I learned when I traveled through Johto. People like you are the reason Pokemon Masters exist. For all I tried, I'm something different."

"You keep talking about back then..." Ash said with concern on his face, "With the battle I don't remember... But you're still my rival, I still think that, w-why don't you...?"

Gary was quiet for a second, before sighing. "Well, I never considered you a rival. I always thought you were below me." He hurried on before Ash could protest. "Maybe if I actually looked at you instead of down my nose, we could have figured stuff out quicker." Ash fidgeted a bit.

"But, but I won that battle, so we're rivals now?"

"Something like that..." Gary sighed again, but he wasn't melancholy. "Wherever we are, we're both trying our best, right? I like that better than having to be better than you."

"Right, right! That's what being rivals _means!_" Ash declared with triumph, and Gary laughed. But Ash's good mood dampened just a little. "Hey, Gary? So, back then, before all the..." Ash waved his hands a little to convey his vague concept. "Was I a good trainer?"

"You still are," Gary said. That wasn't enough of an answer, and Ash continued to stare imploringly. "The very best. Like no one ever was."

"Huh." This seemed to satisfy Ash and he smiled.

"But don't get cocky. You've still got a long way to go, Ashy-boy."

Ash just laughed. "And you? Are you the best? Are you happy?"

"I don't know about the best," Gary drawled, being very humble for a person who had reportedly raised an Aerodactyl fossil to life, "But yeah, I'm happy. Happier than I've been in years."

"Good." Ash leaned back with a grin, but then caught a glimpse of me and sat up. "Oh! Pikachu!"

"Pi..." Gary stood up and left to give us some privacy and I took his place on the steps. Ash looked down at me. "So, h-how are you?"

I wanted to tell him I was ready and excited for the battle or at least be honest enough to say I wasn't up to it, but I couldn't do either.

"I don't know..." I did want to fight, wanted to be in that arena more than anything but was I good enough, well enough, worthy enough? I didn't feel I could answer, or even had the right to decide that, even if logic told me my doubts were ridiculous. "I think I need help... I don't know what to do..."

Ash's face was sympathetic as he reached out and extended his hand to me. I leaned into it and closed my eyes, momentarily retreating from the world into a place of security. Ash's fingers were light and gentle across my fur, and warmth radiated through his gloves. Surely there was no safer place than this, if only we could stop time and live forever in this one moment.

"P-pikachu, do you trust me?" Ash asked, almost in a whisper and I nodded into his palm. Sometimes it seemed like he was the only person I did trust. "We're partners, right? Not just in Pokémon battles, but in everything, we work together and protect each other an-and I love you more than any-anyone, anyone else in the world." There was a familiar innocence to his voice, a childlike assurance but there was also gravity and a tone of maturity that I've never heard before. Had it always been lying dormant, marinating the past few months or had Ash grown into something new long before I had reason to notice?

But when he said those words now it was as if the earth itself resonated. Though the sun shone dazzlingly upon us, the sky thundered with his conviction and I felt as if nature itself was forced to stop and listen. His words were so soft, just barely voiced but they somehow carried the weight of Arceus.

"Pokémon fight battles and trainers choose attacks, people act like that's how training works but you and I know it's more than that, more than that... Pikachu you're a sun... brightest thing in the sky, you're l-lightning, flashing s-so bright it takes, I mean, can't breathe... I'm just thunder, I just follow you and tell people you were there..." His praise brought tears to my eyes, breaking through my conflicted feelings. In my trainer's eyes I was brilliant and powerful, a beautiful and untamed force of nature, but what was so great about lightning? Lightning was demanding and destructive, but Ash was the thunder that rumbled through the sky and heralded his message to the world. He followed after the grand displays, content to be invisible and thought powerless. It was his echoing call that brought power and grandeur to my tiny sparks and though his voice could shake the sky if he had something worth saying he never hurt a soul.

I was the lightning but I would always find the thunder more impressive. Ash's hand glided down to my shoulder, the weight warm and grounding. For the second time, he asked, "Do you trust me? Believe what I say?"

"Yes." My voice felt weak and broken, but I could never answer anything else. Ash wouldn't lie, he wouldn't betray me or willingly do anything to let me be hurt or lost. Ash knew what it was like to have feelings and sicknesses you couldn't control, and he wouldn't let me fall. "I trust you."

"Good." I felt his smile even though his face was still serious. "Max is wrong." His voice was so purposeful and deliberate without a single stutter, "And Team Rocket is wrong. The whole world keeps telling you that you're bad and weak and you deserve to suffer, but they're _wrong_." For a second there was nothing but me and Ash and his absolute assurance. "You're good, P-pikachu. You're kind and strong-strong 'n b-beautiful and I will never stop loving you." And that perfect love shone through until it broke through all the barriers around my soul. "You don't need to be p-punished for anything."

The absoluteness of his statement crushed all my previous burdens until they were ground to dust and lifted off into the breeze, but I sobbed like a newly hatched baby as his arms enveloped me. "It's going to be t-tough to face that Zapdos, but it's something I have to do. But if I couldn't do it now, if I couldn't do it now, that wouldn't be bad, right? And you, maybe you're not ready to fight today, but that's not bad either. You have to fight the battle that's most important..."

The battle that was most important? Which one would that be? Most people expected me to walk into that arena and fight a Pokemon Battle, and all the others expected me to be having a more existential battle for forgiveness. For me, my own heart was a battlefield, even if I wasn't always sure what I was fighting for or against.

"P-pikachu, I have a lot to prove today, you have your own stuff to prove but I... I want to face that stuff together..." Ash's voice was pleading. "Even if it's not here, or not today, w-we're partners, right? So, I want to be together in our fights..." That was what I wanted, too. That was how it always used to be, and it suddenly felt like we had time-traveled to the first year of our journey, new and nervous about everything. "I want to fight with you, and if you'll fight with me, then I promise, I won't let you down. I'll have your back, I wanna help you win today, and tomorrow, a-and forever. You're strong enough to beat whatever you're fighting against. And you deserve to." That did it. Now I was over the edge, filled with some long forgotten combination of hope and determination, dizzy and drunk with the realization Ash had given me, and I believed every word he said.

"I want to battle!" I cried into his arms, my emotions flying all over the place. "Let's show that girl and her Zapdos, we'll show her whole team, we'll show the whole world..." I wanted to be free from the prison I created for myself. I wanted to throw off every last chain that kept me trapped in the darkness and shadows. I deserved to put all my demons to rest and stand proudly in the light with Ash. I wanted to show Ash, the world and myself just how brilliant and strong we could be, and I wanted to do that on the battlefield.

I wanted to face this next battle, every battle and nobody got to tell me that I shouldn't. After all the talking, all the thinking, taking in everyone's advice and opinions, it was finally time for me to make my own decision and act. No more reacting to everything on the outside, I was ready to _do_, ready to _be_, ready to _live_.

And finally ready to fight for all of that. Ash got to his feet, backlit by the sun and triumph in his countenance. "You want to do this, then?"

"Pika!" I jumped onto his shoulder and we left the cabin, and walked to our group of friends. "We're gonna head over to the, um, going to the place..."

"The arena?"

"Yeah, that." Ash waved away their corrections. "Almost time, right? Should get going, get going..." Max, Brock and Cilan came out of the cabin to walk down to the arena with our group, though Max was quiet and mostly avoided me. I couldn't pretend I wasn't doing the same.

In fact, I didn't interact much with anyone, too busy trying to hang onto these positive feelings. If I could just keep my heart filled with determination and resolve, there would be no room for doubt, and I did my best to hang on to that mindset. It was so ridiculously easy for me to find and entertain doubts, and the worries and questions were enticing me to chase after them, but I wanted to stay in this good place. This wonderful state of being _enough_, where Ash supported me and it was all the more precious because I didn't _need_ him to.

I would fight the battle like this, not out of desperation but with confidence and joy, and prove to myself that I could.

While we walked, Luke had his camera rolling and was asking Ash about the upcoming match, while May hung back a few steps to talk with Max. Misty, Iris and Dawn dropped their conversation to whispers so as not to disturb the filming, though Piplup didn't have the same thought and continued to talk Axew's ear off. We were practically a herd as we walked down the road, and it suddenly struck me how grateful we were to have so many friends. Not only here, but also back home in Pallet Town.

So many friends, humans and pokemon. Before I began this journey with a trainer I didn't want, could I have ever imagined it possible? Did I ever think I could one day be surrounded by so many people who loved and cared for me, or that I would care about them in return? Even Max's current attitude seemed like a blessing, because before this journey started I wouldn't have cared what anyone thought, wouldn't have a dear friend I would be hurt by. Before I met Ash, I didn't care about anyone enough to feel guilt, remorse or shame for my actions.

And I certainly didn't love anyone else enough to try and put them first. I was a different person now, a better person, and that thought made some of my tension fall away.

Delia, Professor Oak and Silver were waiting for us outside the arena. "We just couldn't watch on TV anymore, we had to be here in person!" We all exchanged greetings while Delia hugged her son, and then she looked over our crowd.

"You kids have all met Silver, haven't you?" Everyone was about to chime that they had when Ash stepped up.

"Yeah, uh, guys, this is my dad..." Silence fell over our group, and Ash fidgeted. "Um, and, uh, D-d-dad... these are my friends..."

Cilan was the first to break. "Wait, _what?_" Brock patted his shoulder in sympathy.

"Yeah, you missed some stuff." May, Dawn and Iris formed a small huddle and attempted to discreetly whisper their own suprise, but Silver looked ecstatic.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Ash's dad!" he practically bellowed. I jumped off Ash's shoulders seconds before the man clapped his hands down on them. Ash nearly fell over, but Silver just laughed and addressed not only our group of friends, but every passerby that looked over at the commotion. "I'm his dad, and he's my kid. _Hey, everyone! This is my kid!_"

"D-don't have to shout..." Ash mumbled, blushing furiously, but Silver kept laughing. He did tone down his exuberance a bit, though the man was so excited and buoyant that one might have thought he was the one competing in the semi-finals. Silver looked like he'd been waiting his whole life for this moment, and given the unusual situation at the Ketchum house, perhaps he had.

Ash just continued to blush and tried to pretend he hadn't just said something monumental, and deflected everybody else's surprised comments. "H-how should I know I forgot, forgot to t-tell you that?"

It all went too quickly, the walk to the arena, the chatting with friends, wandering around the stands. Those precious moments flashed by in less than a second and Ash and I had to leave them all behind to step onto the field. We checked in with the referee, shook hands with our opponent and went through all the other league formalities but before I knew it, we were standing in the trainer's box and the spotlights were on. "This match promises to be a good one, folks! On the south side of the field is Romi from Olivine City! She's a regular at this tournaments and her team is ready for their first trophy! And on the north side is a trainer from Pallet Town, a man of few words! His name is Ash Ketchum, but his opponents just call him 'Red'..."

And for a moment, it was just the two of us. A pikachu and his human partner, both with too much to prove to ourselves while the whole world watched and judged us. "Are you ready?" I asked, but I didn't need Ash's answer. We had to be ready. There was no more time for anything else.

I was filled with the horrible sense of time running out, until I looked up at Ash and then, all time stopped. The only moment existing was now; the future was irrelevant and the past was untouchable. For all we said one battle wasn't the end of the world, _this_ battle was beginning and there was no other world. Just me and my friend in our microcosm universe.

"I'm ready," Ash whispered, but there was fire in his eyes and before I knew it the crowd was roaring, the referee was raising his arms, the opposing trainer was drawing back her arm and I dug my paws into the dirt...

"Pikachu, go!" I was off like a shot and crossed half the length of the field as a pokeball erupted above me with a crash of thunder. As predicted, ti was Zapdos, crowing in glory, but I wasn't going to be beaten. "Quick Attack!" I had already begun speeding up, knowing Ash would call for that, and I was shooting through the air before he even finished the command, so fast I was nearly flying. I smashed into Zapdos' side before it could take flight and relished in the impact. However underpowered my Thunderbolt, Quick Attack was better than ever.

"Is that the extent of your strength?" Zapdos scoffed as it rose into the air, but I could hear the strain in it's voice. It might be a titan, but I could still bruise it.

But now that Zapdos was airborne, I had a huge problem, and felt a twinge of instinctual fear as it's shadow passed over the ground. Even with my electric attacks, a bird was still a dangerous opponent for a mouse.

Ash's voice came out strong as he called for me to dodge Zapdos' dives. "Iron Tail! Wait till it gets close!" We tried this strategy a few times, but Zapdos was too experienced to keep diving in if it saw me setting up Iron Tail. I could set that attack up pretty quickly, but not enough for a sneak attack when my target was looking directly at me, and every time I started to swing my tail around, Zapdos just pulled up.

I almost grazed it once, but eventually Ash and I were forced to move on to a new plan. "'Lectro Ball!" My only long range attacks were electric ones, but Ash managed to hold it together as we opened fire on Zapdos. With every shot, I gauged Zapdos' reaction to my electricity. Some electric types were unaffected by other electric attacks and some could even absorb the attack to increase their power. I could manage that trick myself from time to time, learning early in our journey that my tail could be a grounding wire, but if Zapdos could pull it off then I was going to have trouble.

As it was, the impact of Electro Ball could knock Zapdos off course, and the electricity itself was having a small effect. It was part Flying-Type, after all. But the damage was minimal, with me going at half power, and it wasn't making enough difference to justify the energy I was expending, or Ash's slowly fraying nerves.

"Pika!" I shouted this information back to him, just as Zapdos decided to counter with electric attacks of it's own and drowned me out. But Ash got the message, and called for me to use my tail as a ground while we regrouped. It worked for awhile, and I cheekily stuck out my tongue in the face of Zapdos' Thunderbolt, but I changed my tune when it's trainer called for Charge Beam. Just like my Electro Ball, Charge Beam wasn't just a current. The electricity arced in such a way that it created a massive physical force, and even if the target was immune to electric attacks, it would still feel the impact of being hit with an object. And since Charge Beam was headed straight for my face, I had no choice but to jump up and I fired Electro Ball without waiting for more than a syllable from Ash.

Our two polarities repelled each other for a second, but I could see that my opponent's attack was going to overwhelm my half-powered one and I ducked for cover. The world exploded and sizzled around me for an agonizing twenty seconds, but I wasn't otherwise hurt, though Ash's face was pale.

"...okay?" he weakly asked, and when I nodded, he snapped back into action, though the blood didn't return to his face. "Get on top, get on top of it!" I tried to jump on Zapdos' back a few times, but it was too fast and too high, and finally Ash was forced to command, "Just stay still, take the h-hit!" So I did, and Zapdos' Wing Attack nearly knocked all the air out of me, but with it so close I was able to grab onto it's feathers and clamber onto it's back.

"Now Th-Thunderbolt!" As with Electro Ball, half power wasn't enough to do much to Zapdos, but I kept using that attack over and over while my ride attempted to shake me off. It didn't have to be a powerful attack, since Zapdos couldn't defend itself or attack me in this position. I could whittle this titan down one HP at a time.

Zapdos kept trying to throw me, spinning barrel rolls and climbing higher and higher into the sky, but I hung on. We were so high now that we were well out of the arena, the battlefield itself was only as big as my hand. "Go as high as you want, I'm not afraid of heights!" I lied to Zapdos. In fact, this height was a little intimidating, but I had a nice death grip on it's feathers and I knew I wasn't going anywhere. Besides, Zapdos' breathing was getting labored; all my tiny attacks were taking their toll, and it would be forced to bring us back down to earth soon. "You won't get rid of me that easy!"

"You are far too confident," Zapdos wheezed, before letting out a harrowing cry that seemed to make all the clouds in the sky rush over. What started as a nice, sunny day suddenly became a dark sky filled with thunderclouds, and I realized Zapdos' intention slightly before I saw the massive lighting streaking across the sky towards me.

Zapdos' Thunder attack was impressive and thoroughly intimidating, but it didn't hurt me all that much. Unfortunately, being so close to the clouds and trying to ride Zapdos like a rodeo horse, I did get a little stunned and lost my grip. "Oh, no you don't!" I shrieked and scrambled to reclaim a hold on it's wing, and the unbalanced weight caused the both of us to pitch and roll.

A light rain began to drizzle from the clouds, but the fight went on. Zapdos kept bombarding me with Thunder and trying to toss me off, while I dug my nails in and added some Thunderbolts of my own. However, between the slick rain, the constant motion and barrage of attacks, it all became too much and in one sharp turn, I felt Zapdos' feathers slipping out of my hands.

The world spun in slow motion for those few seconds, feeling the water droplets under my paws as I clawed for grip, feeling my stomach drop once there was nothing too support me against gravity, that horrifying second where there was nothing connecting me to Zapdos and nothing protecting me from the ground.

It was only then that I realized I would die if I fell from this height. Far too late, because now I was falling.

The wind howled through my ears as I plummeted back to earth, and through clenched, squinting eyes I saw the arena grow larger and larger until I could make out my trainer's red colors against the green battlefield. There was noting he could do, though, I was going to hit the ground like a bullet and shoot through everything that stood in my way.

Above me, Zapdos was still flying, and I don't think it realized yet that it had shaken me off. I screamed up at it, but even if it heard me, I wasn't sure it would have been able to catch up in time. I was already close enough to the ground to hear Ash and the opposing trainer crying up at me.

There had to be a way to save myself, and I desperately tried to think while I fell through the air. But it was hard to focus with all my thoughts racing. I didn't want to die, I still had so much I wanted to do, I didn't want to leave Ash...

I heard Zapdos' cry and saw it finally streaking towards me, growing closer and closer, but I knew it wouldn't reach me in time. It was still so high above me, while I could now make out Ash's expression. He was so terrified, more so than he'd ever been from my electric attacks...

...and that's when I had an idea.

Electro Ball was unlike Thunderbolt in that it formed a solid ball, not just a current. If I could throw that object directly at the ground with the right charge, it could repel me like a magnet. If I could form a big enough Electro Ball, I might be able to break my fall!

Immediately I set to work charging, building up all the electricity I could, but then a thought struck me. For this to work, I would have to go full power, and I would be throwing every last shred of energy at the field. What if I hit Ash? Even if I didn't, what if the sight of all this voltage caused him to have another psychotic break?

That thought sobered me, and I hesitated, while the world rushed to meet me. Wasn't this exactly the sort of thing that had gotten us into trouble in the past? What was I supposed to do? Could I risk hurting him again, after I had promised us both that I wouldn't?

I would be throwing around ridiculous amounts of power, there was no rationalization I could give myself to ease my conscience. This was dangerous, and if I went through with it, I might kill Ash, the one person who I'd give my life for.

And I wondered... if it might be better to just let the end come...

Zapdos was getting closer, but so was the earth, and Ash's expression indicated he didn't think Zapdos had a chance of saving me, either. I was going to die, unless I did something unconscionable. Was my life worth the risk to Ash's?

And that was the question I'd been asking myself ever since Officer Jenny had pulled us out of the rubble in Unova, what was my life worth now? Had one mistake taken away all my value, had one accident negated all the years of Ash and I fighting for our lives, whatever the risks? We'd always beaten our obstacles in the past, but just that one time, we lost the gamble.

And did that mean I lost the right to fight for my own life?

Ash didn't want me to die, he'd want me to take the risk. I knew that, but it didn't matter what Ash thought right now. I was about to be hit in the face with the whole of planet earth and I found I didn't care if Ash was okay with my decisions. I didn't want to die, I didn't want to leave him, I didn't want to smash into the Indigo Plateau with enough force that Nurse Joy would be scraping me off the field with a spatula.

I wanted to live. And my life was not worth less than Ash's.

_I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,_ I kept repeating in my mind as I charged up, and I poured every last spark I had into the Electro Ball that would save my life. A giant mass of pulsing current grew below me and I watched the field ripple from the impact before I plowed right into my own attack and could see nothing else.

_I'm so sorry, Ash... _Opposites attract, but the same polarity would repel, and I felt gravity straining against the force of my attack pushing my hyper-powered self backwards. This was working, I was slowing down, I wasn't going to die!

Even with that relief that my crazy plan might be working, I tried to maintain control over all the voltage I was throwing around and keep it contained. It's possible I didn't actually have much control over that, but I gave it my best. After all my studying and training, no one knew the capabilities of my attacks better than I did, and if anyone had a shot of pulling of such a stunt without hurting anyone else, it was me.

Eventually, the tension reached a breaking point and Electro Ball burst, the force throwing me back to bounce across the field. But when I finally came to a stop, my relief was stronger than my bruised and aching limbs. I had survived. I dropped a few thousand feet out of the sky and survived!

The referee's concerned face appeared in my swirling vision, and I achingly sat up. "Are you alright?" the man asked me, and I managed to nod, weakly. Next to him, a Mr. Mime applauded me, though I couldn't remember where it came from. The referee spoke some words into a walkie talkie while I blinked and readjusted to my situation.

After a second, I managed to make it to my feet and asked Mr. Mime what was going on. "Oh, besides the obvious?" it laughed, "He's deciding whether or not to continue the battle. We're in a Time Out right now."

"Time Out?" I repeated weakly, taking a few steps and trying to find my feet. The concept of a battle seemed so far away after what had just happened.

"Yeah, the ref called me out of my pokeball when you started falling. I was going to catch you with my Psychic powers, but then you saved yourself. Good thing, too, because if I have to intervene, it's an instant disqualification. But you didn't need outside help, so he'll probably decide the match can continue!"

"Oh..." It made sense that the League would be prepared to save a pokemon if something went horribly wrong like this. But I hadn't realized there was a pokemon waiting in the wings to save me, and the implication hit me like a ton of bricks.

I could have just killed Ash, and I hadn't been in any danger at all.

"Pikapi!" My senses were now fully back to me, and I streaked across the broken field to Ash, terrified of what I would find. The fact that he hadn't run out to me only made my worry rise.

He was breathing, a positive sign, but he was on his knees, crouched on the ground and digging his hands into the dirt. Every muscle was tense as a rubber band.

"I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" I cried out to him and Ash just flinched, eyes wide in terror at a demon that only he could see. "I'm sorry, I didn't know that that they were going to Psychic me out of there. I wasn't trying to hurt you, I promise!" Ash gulped and swallowed a few times but I still couldn't even be sure that he was with me and aware of the world around him. "You're okay," I said as soothingly as I could, wishing I could touch him but not sure if that would push him even further over the edge. "Everything's safe now, you don't have to be scared of anything..." Ash continued to tremble and stared at the ground with his tiny, little pinpricks for eyes without giving me any attention at all. "Please give me a sign you're okay..."

"I thought you were dead," Ash choked out, "I thought you were gonna die, gonna die..."

"I'm right here," I reassured. He was talking again, interacting. That was a good sign.

"I thought you were dead, going to die, falling and I couldn't save you, s-save you, and then there was... everywhere, with... just, exploding, and can't do anything, can't do anything... just like before..."

"I'm sorry," I repeated, "I know you must of been scared."

"But y-you're alive," Ash whispered, "M-my b-best friend i-is alive, that's all that matters... You're fine, I'm fine, all the bad things I was feeling didn't... they don't matter, I'm happy..." He didn't look happy, he looked petrified, but I encouraged him to take some shallow breaths and some of the color came back to his cheeks. I even saw a shaky smile on the corner of his mouth.

The prominent feeling for both of us was relief. While I did feel stupid over using such a huge Electro Ball unnecessarily, I didn't feel guilt. I worried over Ash's health, but I didn't fear he would condemn me and I don't think my feelings would have changed if he had. I took a huge risk, one I probably didn't need to take but we had won this gamble. I was alive. Ash was alive. We were both going to be fine and neither of us needed to continue suffering over it.

Even so. "I'm sorry," I kept repeating, "I didn't want to scare you, I just couldn't see a better option-"

"It's o-okay," Ash stammered out, "You're good, you did what you were s-s'pposed to, s'posed to, like, um... you're in trouble and you fixed it, that's what you're supposed to do... I just..." He shook his head and slowly stood on his feet, "Can't imagine all that... all that..." His hands were shaking but he waved them and made short bursts with his fingers to give the impression of lightning, "...all that power... when did you get so p-powerful? Could you break the, you could break the world, I think, maybe..."

Maybe I could. I'd certainly broken the field. "You're so... you're so scary, Pikachu... but... it's hard to believe that you, that you're my friend, like, you do what I tell you and listen to me, to me, just... feel I'm, I'm tiny, I'm nothing, that's what I feel sometimes... see your 'lectri-city-city, I'm, I'm nothing, I'm not..."

"Please don't be scared..." Especially not of me. That display of power was amazing and destructive, but one word from him could do more damage than any attack I'd ever known. I could break things with my attacks but he could heal things with a look, and even now, this little boy who thought he was nothing towered over me. How could he not know that he ruled my universe?

Ash should never be scared of me. Especially not now that, for the first time in months, I was not the least bit scared of him. "I know, I know," Ash laughed through his tears. "You're good, but... this, it's weird... when I see you so powerful, even though, even though it's terrifying, you're terrifying...it's really happy, like I want to be scared or something... I don't know..." I didn't know either. No matter how close we became, Ash would forever be an enigma.

But that was fine. "Are you going to be okay?" Ash was on his feet, breath was getting into his lungs and he was interacting with the outside world, but the referee was walking over to us and there was a Zapdos landing on the field that Ash refused to look at.

He also hadn't given me more than a glance, and that was worrisome. I was afraid to push him back into this battle. "Look, you don't have to prove anything," I insisted, grabbing onto his jeans so he was forced to pay attention. "You've already shown you're a great trainer, so if you're not up to fighting right now, no one will think less of you." Actually, everybody would think less of him. Excepting our friends, there wasn't a single person in that crowd that would understand why Ash would back down after this, even for an Electro Ball of the size I'd just managed. And they'd despise me all the more for forcing Ash to concede.

But Ash was hanging on by little more than a thread, and it wasn't going to get any easier on him once Zapdos and I started slinging attacks around again. "It's just a trophy," I tried to impress on him. "It doesn't tell you who you are. You don't have to keep going if you think you can't." Just because we were in the top four of the tournament, just because there was a whole crowd of people expecting a battle, just because all our friends and family had come here to see us compete was no reason for Ash to feel pressured to go beyond his limits. If he felt himself falling apart, he needed to know he could retreat and right now, he definitely looked like he needed to.

But Ash just shook his head, even as his hands trembled. "I didn't want to w-win the t-tournament," he whispered, and I raised my eyebrow. Why else had he come to the Pokemon League, if not to win? "I mean, I do, but...everybody else... everybody needs me to be as good as before, but I don't remember before, nobody wins the P-pokemon League on the first t-try, right?"

"That's what I'm saying, you don't have do this just because other people expect you to." But Ash shook his head again.

"Didn't come here to win," Ash asserted in his soft, shaking voice. "Came here to prove I could do scarey things... And you..." He straightened up a little, still pale but with a bit of confidence shining through. "You almost... fell like that, but we're okay, and that b-bird is strong, but we can fight it, and... and you used th-that huge 'Le-lect-c... huge attack and, and you weren't even_ careful!_" Ash began to laugh, hesitantly, nervously, but there was something strong and unbreakable that held it together. "Didn't even try to protect me and you broke the ground and it was_ horrible... _but I'm fine," he finished. "I'm not hurt. Not hurt, I can live through scarey things. So I should keep going."

I stepped back and looked at Ash, suddenly in awe. I had shaken him to his core with my last attack, but he was standing. The force and the fear had brought him to his knees, but he could get on his feet again. His nightmare was in front of him and displayed no concern at all for his safety but he still trusted in our friendship.

This was my trainer. This was_ Ash_. This was the person we'd all been searching for since he'd disappeared in Unova.

If he wanted to keep fighting, then before Arcues I swore I'd win him that trophy.

The referee approached us and motioned for the opposing trainer, Romi, to join. "Even though I stopped the battle, Pikachu was able to break it's fall without outside interference. My ruling is Pikachu is still eligible for battle, assuming it even wants to fight after that." He repeated this for Romi when she jogged up. "Are both trainers ready to continue?"

"I'm fine. It's these two I'm worried about," Romi declared with concern, eyes darting from me to my pale and trembling trainer. "Are you guys okay?"

I cheered my enthusiasm and Ash managed to choke out a reply that was only barely convincing. The referee gave us a long look before deciding Ash was serious. "Okay, then. Both of you take your places and wait for my signal."

He returned to the sidelines, but Romi waited a few seconds before running back to her side of the field. "I'm glad you're all right," she spoke down to me. "That was a cool move you pulled back there." Very flattering, as I had could have accidentally barbequed her along with everything else. She turned to Ash. "Your Pikachu's amazing."

"Yeah, he is..." Romi dashed off to her end of the field and I ran back to the center to face Zapdos.

The giant bird looked relieved to see me as healthy as I was. "I apologize. I should have realized the danger in my actions."

"Oh please, it's a battle!" I replied with a grin. "We both knew the risks when we signed up for this." Not just this battle, but every battle. Since the day I stepped out of Professor Oak's laboratory I knew there would be risks, danger, hardship and compromise and Ash knew that, too. "But that kid back there? I owe him a trophy." And I'd been waiting years to give it to him. "So it'll take more than a little fall to get rid of me!" Zapdos laughed and sparks flew from it's wingtips.

"I understand your feelings perfectly."

The referee gave the signal and once again we were racing around the field with our attacks flying every which way. "Pikachu, half power!" Ash reminded, and even though I didn't agree with it, I complied. He'd endured a lot already, so I would just have to make do.

"Now that we've seen your true strength, is it necessary to keep up the farce?" Zapdos goaded, and I just smiled wanly.

"All part of the brilliant plan..." We were having the same problem as before, neither of us able to hit the other, and I wasn't eager to try a sky high adventure again.

It was Ash who came up with the strategy. As Zapdos dived in for a wing attack, he called out, "Don't dodge! Block it with 'Lec-lectro Ball! Like falling!" I sprang into action before my brain fully comprehended the plan. I could block Zapdos the same way I had used Electro Ball as a buffer between myself and the ground. Of course, it was a much smaller attack this time and it only held Zapdos back for a second, but one second was enough. "Iron Tail!" Finally, Zapdos was stuck in one place long enough for me to hit it with a perfectly timed, perfectly executed Iron Tail.

And the damage was heavy. I had Zapdos on the ropes now. "Quick Attack! Don't stop, don't stop!" I zipped in and attacked with all my strength, not waiting a single second. I couldn't give Zapdos a change to recover because if it got into the air then we probably wouldn't be able to pull off this trick twice. Over and over I sped in with Quick Attack, constantly bombarding Zapdos and forcing it to the ground.

"Iron Tail! Finish!" Then came the finale. One perfect Iron Tail sang through the air with all my force behind it, and I knew the second it connected that Zapdos would not be getting up again. I landed on the ground and waited for the official call, but I didn't need a referee to tell me that Zapdos was out of energy, I had out-muscled a titan.

Zapdos was a good opponent, though, so I resisted the urge to tease it about being beaten by a little mouse, and Romi recalled it with a pokeball. Ash also recalled me, though I protested when I ran back to him. "Really? I've got so much energy left!"

"Maybe you're good, you're good, but I'm not..." Ash muttered, and I sobered up a little. Of course, this had been hard for him, and we were a team. Ash needed a break, and my other friends needed a chance to prove themselves.

"Gotcha. Well, one round down." Only five to go. I sat down in the dirt slightly behind Ash and stretched out my legs. Now that the adrenaline was wearing off, I did feel achy and exhausted. A rest would be good for me, too.

"Hey." Ash looked over his shoulder at me with a kind smile. "You, um, you were a-amazing out there..."

I smiled back. "I have a very good trainer." Ash grinned and grabbed a pokeball from his belt, and Bulbasaur was let out to face round two. I cheered my friend on as he battled against Romi's Cressalia, though Bulbasaur was having a little trouble against all those Psychic attacks.

"Dig under-underground!"

"What? It can Dig?" Things were much more relaxed now, the ball in our court. Ash had regained his composure and was using the element of surprise to it's greatest advantage. Bulbasaur tunneled all over the field and left potholes everywhere, leaping up and slamming into Cressalia when least expected. Eventually Romi and Cressalia were made to surrender, and our opponent retreated back into it's pokeball.

But the battle had taken it's toll on Bulbasaur too, so Ash recalled him in favor of Torterra. In response, Romi sent out Unown.

"Now there's a pokemon you don't see everyday, folks!" The announcer gushed, while I muttered to myself, "What_ is _this team?"

Ash just laughed at me. "'m I suposssssed to be scared?" The look in his eye was so cocky and the smirk so devilish that I couldn't help smiling, too. He was right, and perhaps he had found a way to use his own disabilities to his advantage. If he no longer had a perfect memory of all the pokemon he'd encountered and their abilities, then he couldn't be intimidated by that knowledge. The crowd was reeling at seeing such a mysterious creature on the field, but Ash just saw another strong pokemon, one he was determined to take down.

Still, "Don't underestimate it," I warned. While it might look fragile and petite, Unown were still a species of legend and I knew first hand how tricky they could be.

"Train _you,_ know better," Ash scoffed, and turned his focus back to Torterra. "Go! Energy Ball!"

"Unown, Hidden Power!" Hidden Power almost cleared the field. Romi knew to brace herself, but Ash and I were nearly knocked off our feet. But Torterra countered the second Hidden Power with Leaf Storm, and since Unown didn't seem to know any other attacks, my team got better at anticipating it.

Still, Unown was powerful and fast, and it would be no easy feat to bring it down. "Don't let it hit you, Unown!"

"Tort'ra! Energy Ball!" On and on it went. Torterra would fire an attack that Unown would dodge, while Unown would release a devastating Hidden Power and Torterra would just use Synthesis. It seemed like a stalemate, and I was starting to get bored on the sidelines.

But then something changed... "Unown, use Struggle!" Shock fell over the stadium, and even the commentator had trouble believing it.

"This is unusual... Folks, Unown is out of attacks! I've never seen a battle go so long before!" The stands were abuzz, while I just stared.

"Wait, what just happened?" Meanwhile, whatever Struggle was was devastating Torterra. "I've never heard of this attack!"

Unexpectedly, it was Ash who answered my question, having just looked it up in the pokedex himself. "Like, um, you fight a long time, and you get tired, so attacks get exhausted, get exhausted, only Struggle is left..."

I grew quiet. "That can happen?" I had lost electric attacks after facing Zekrom, but I had never simply run out of attacks like this. If my attack power was exhausted, I was usually seconds away from fainting. But Unown was still full of strength and zipping around the field. Did attacks have a limit, one that wasn't connected to physical strength? Romi was using this bizarre phenomena to her advantage and wasting poor Torterra, but I still wasn't sure what was going on. I thought I was so elite, having trained and studied my electric attacks like no pokemon ever had before, but I still knew nothing about my own capabilities.

"We've got a lot to learn," was all Ash said as he shoved his pokedex back into his pocket. So it seemed.

"Just keep eating your Leftovers, Unown! You'll be fine!" Unown was taking recoil damage from Struggle, but it didn't seem to be affecting it enough to counter the effect of Leftovers, and it certainly wasn't losing HP as quickly as Torterra. And so the battle fell back into stalemate, Torterra recovering with Synthesis and Unown with Leftovers, while so few of Torterra's attacks ever seemed to hit.

But if it went on like this, wouldn't Torterra end up in the same position as Unown, with nothing left but Struggle? Unown's trainer was prepared for that, and had an item to counter the recoil effects, but our team wasn't. If Torterra lost Synthiesis, he'd have no way of recovering HP...

"Need to end this now, end this now!" Ash shouted. "Tort'ra! Sw-swallow Energy Ball!"

Now it was Romi's turn to look surprised, along with everyone else in that stadium, as Torterra gleefully formed a pulsing Energy Ball attack and proceeded to eat it. The spectators might not understand, but I had seen this trick before, and knew what a boost it would give to Torterra's Grass-Type moves.

"Leaf Storm! Cover the whole field!" The world was a mess of green, I couldn't see Torterra, Unown, Romi or even the referee. I could barely see Ash, just a foot or two in front of me, and I was forced to duck down and cover my face while the leaf blades sliced through the air. This was the downside to not going in my pokeball...

Ash calmly stepped closer to me and crouched down so that his body blocked most of the leaves from hacking at me, his cap pulled down to mask his face. "That's 'nough, Tort'ra!" He called, and with that command, Leaf Storm began to die down.

Time to see the damage. The field was absolutely smothered in leaves, and Unown was lying in the center, it's one eye a giant spiral. "The winner is Torterra!"

"Good job, good job!" Ash cheered as he stood up again, but Romi just snapped her wrist faster than my eyes could catch, and an Aerodactyl appeared in a flash of red light.

"No time to waste! _Get that Torterra off the field!_" And Aerodactyl was lost in a blur of motion, a gray mass that sliced Torterra with Ariel Ace before he could defend. "Again!"

"Leaf Storm!" Ugh, this again. But it was only half as impressive, as Aerodactyl was once again attacking before Torterra could fully launch his barrage, and a few more flying moves later, our side was forced to concede. "'ssokay, Tort'ra, did your best... rest now..."

What next? Aerodactyl would be a tough opponent, and while I mentally thought through our registered team, Ash made his decision with barely a thought. "Go! Tranqill!"

Sweet Moltres, what was that boy thinking? "It's a flying rock! Nothing she does will be effective!" I screamed, and Ash just looked at me.

"You the trainer now?" That shut me up, though I was still raging at this choice. Anything would have been better than Tranquill, I didn't fight so hard in the first round to watch us waste a player here. But Ash just laughed at me. "Don't worry, we won't lose, won't lose!"

"You have a plan then?" I asked hopefully. A brilliant, unconventional, off-the wall plan to exploit an overlooked weakness?

"Nope!" I was going to kill him. I really was, one of these days I would just fry him for sending my heart rate up into the stratosphere like this.

Except I wouldn't really, and Ash just continued to laugh as he ordered Tranquil to take to the sky. "It's fast, but you're faster, faster!" It did seem like their speeds were evenly matched, and since Ash had rightfully pointed out I wasn't the trainer or the competitor, there was nothing I could do but sit back and watch the two birds zip through the sky. Occasionally Ash had Tranquill launch Quick Attack or Aerial Ace, which I could only imagine felt like hitting a brick wall.

But, in time I did notice that Aerodactyl was moving slower, and more and more I could make out his form instead of seeing a gray blur. Maybe we were wearing it down, maybe it took more effort for Aerodactyl to fly at such speeds, being a much heavier, less aerodynamic pokemon than Tranquill?

It was possible, but Aerodactyl and it's trainer still had some cards to play. "Ancient Power!" Tranquil was taken by surprise and fell to the earth after that barrage of stones. It was a super-effective attack, so it was surprising for everyone when she managed to crawl out from under the rubble.

But Aerodactyl was also breathing heavily, barely moving to conserve it's energy. We were wearing it down. "Go! The-the, um-" In his excitement, Ash wasn't able to properly call whatever attack he'd been intending, so thrust his arm in front of him instead. I could see from his facial expression how furious he was with himself for fumbling that, but Tranquil had a clear view of Ash's hand signal and no trouble obeying. That had been the focus of Snivy's special training, teaching us how to recognize Ash's non-verbal communications in battle, and we had all diligently watched our trainer's movements as if they were his voice.

When words failed him, Ash's arms might mimic the motion of Iron Tail and I knew how to recognize that. I also knew that an arm thrown straight in front of him with such deliberation was his interpretation of a strong, direct special attack. For me, it would be my Thunderbolt, for many of the Fire-Types, Flamethrower, and for the Water-Types it usually indicated Water Gun or Water Pulse.

For Tranquill, it was Air Cutter, and her brilliant wings beat out a wind current that cut like an army of swords. For all Aerodactyl's rock-like defense, it couldn't help but be affected.

"That's it, Tranquill!" Ash cried, back in control of his voice, and Tranquill crowed back her success. But then, there was a flash of light on the field... "What...?" A blue-ish white glow engulfed Tranquil, and a hush fell over the field.

Only the commentator kept talking. "I can't believe this, folks! Ketchum's Tranquill is evolving, right in the middle of the match!"

"Of course it is!" a rueful and possibly embittered voice called out from the stands. It could have been my imagination, but it sounded a lot like Gary. On the other side of the field, Romi was also muttering something under her breath.

But Tranquill soon finished evolving and now stood before us as Unfeazant, proud, strong and more confident than ever. "What now, Ash?" she cried, and Ash gaped for a second before snapping back into trainer mode.

"Aerial Ace!" Once again, the two Flying-Types were in the air and attacks were colliding. Unfeazant seemed twice as fast as before, and her attacks were taking more out of Aerodactyl than they previously had.

But she was still slamming into pure rock, so the matched dragged on until Romi called for a Hyper Beam. "Use Quick Attack to dodge!" Ash commanded, and Unfeazant zipped out of there, then bombarded Aerodactyl with Gust while it was recharging after Hyper Beam. But it wasn't long before Aerodactyl had recovered it's strength and was firing a second Hyper Beam. "Blow it back with Air Cutter!"

The explosion was breathtaking, light and rubble cascading everywhere, and for several minutes I saw nothing but dust. But when the smoke finally cleared, we saw that Unfeazant and Aerodactyl had knocked each other out completely. A tie.

"Did good, did good," Ash praised as he recalled Unfeazant, and I mentally calculated what was left. We'd taken down Zapdos, Unown and now Aerodactly, so only three more to go. And our side still had me, a weary Bulbasaur and two other Pokemon besides. Four against three, with Cressalia still weak from battling Bulbasaur, this match was in our favor!

"Three of Romi's pokemon have fainted, so there will be a ten-minute recess and a field change..." We'd made it to the halfway point, with players to spare. Ash and I ran over to the stands to visit with our friends and accept their various praise and criticisms.

"You were awesome out there!"

"And Tranquill- I mean, Unfeazant! I've never seen a pokemon move so fast!"

"But don't get cocky! These things can turn around completely after the break!" While Ash laughed and professed he had nothing to worry about, Max came up to me. I didn't see him at first and nearly jumped ten feet in the air, but there was no anger or disdain on his face.

Mostly timidity. "Hey, um, you were pretty cool out there," he mumbled, and there was no time for me to respond before he disappeared behind his big sister.

But it was nice first gesture. Maybe there was hope for the two of us, after all?

Beside me, Ash had fallen silent, deep in thought while his friends talked around him.

"What are you thinking about? It's not like you to be so broody, not when you've got a match to fight," Brock laughed, ruffling Ash's hair, but Ash pulled back and looked at him seriously.

"Did I ever pay that girl back for her bike?" An awkward silence fell over the group, caught between amazement and disappointment that Ash remembered something like that and that he didn't seem to realize that "that girl" was right in front of him.

"Uh, yeah, sort of," Brock stammered, and Ash nodded.

"Good." There was a pause while we thought about if and how we should get the conversation started again, and Ash took advantage of it. "I thanked her, right?" We all looked at him caught somewhere between blank and petrified. "I mean, she didn't like me very much, very much, always bossy, but always there for me, anyway, sh-she meant a lot. I told her, didn't I?" He seemed very concerned by this.

"You did, Ash," Misty said quietly, but with a soft firmness. "You told her." Relieved, Ash fell back into his previous silence, just as the referee was signaling that our break was nearly over. "Now quit daydreaming. You'd better not lose out there."

"As if!" Ash scoffed, and the two of us ran back to the trainer's box with renewed glee. Our opponent took her place on the opposite side, and soon the match was back in progress.

Our next opponent was a Lucario. Ash almost dropped his pokeball. "You recognize that one, huh?" I was thinking of his battle against Cameron yesterday, since Lucario evolved from Riolu, but Ash shot me a dirty look that suggested he remembered something far different.

Like, perhaps, the day all my human friends got eaten by the sentient mountain/tree? Ash muttered, "Jusss surprised me, that's all," and threw Bulbasaur's pokeball into the ring.

"Oh, good, you cleaned up the field," he smirked, pawing at the ground. "Perfect for me to Dig it all up again." But that was not to be, as Ash was calling for attacks like Vine Whip and Razor Leaf. Like most of Romi's team, Lucario was fast and had excellent defense, but that didn't stop Bulbasaur from landing some good hits, or from latching onto Lucario with Vine Whip and using it to swing himself around the field.

"And they told me I'd never learn HM02," he chortled after one such flight through the air gave him enough height to come back down and hit Lucario with a tackle.

"Yeah, don't get so cocky!" I shouted back to the field, since Lucario was prepping an Aura Sphere the size of a small car. But secretly, I was kind of jealous that Bulbasaur got to look so cool out there. It had been a long time since I had been in the ring and I was both rested and restless.

But Bulbasaur had taken a lot of damage from Cressalia, so he didn't have the endurance necessary to last through Lucario's attacks. "Dig!" Ash cried as a last resort, and Bulbasaur tunneled underground despite my wariness.

"You know Dig is a slower attack," I warned, but Ash acted like he didn't hear me. And probably for the best, since calling attacks and forming strategies was his job, not mine. He'd just lecture me again. "Keep going!" Ash ordered Bulbasaur, even though all his Dig attacks were missing by a mile, and eventually Lucario and Romi predicted where Bulbasaur would resurface and gave him a good, solid kick.

That was it for Bulbasaur, but it still wasn't my turn, yet. "Glalie, go! Cover the field in ice!" Glalie giggled and did as he was told, but Romi wasn't worried.

"That's not going to stop us!" she declared, "Lucario, dig in with your claws!"

"Ic-cy Wind!" Lucario continued to dodge Glalie's attacks, using it's claws for traction, but it didn't worry Ash. "Don't worry, let it come to you, let it come to you!"

It seemed like a weird move to me, and Lucario did just that, rushing in for Close Combat. That did a number on Glalie, but Ash stayed confident. "'ssokay, 'ssokay! Move back a little more!" And Lucario pushed Glalie back a few feet, where Ash commanded Glalie to hold his ground. "Ice Beam!"

"Blaze Kick!" That attack hurt Glalie a lot, but when Ash saw the flames, his face became positively evil.

"Hang in there, Glalie!" I couldn't understand why Ash didn't call for Double Team, or have Glalie simply move, but Glalie endured all the Blaze Kicks it couldn't push back with Ice Beam, while Lucario gained the upper hand.

Untill Lucario suddenly vanished from view. "What the-?" the commentator cried, "Has Lucario used Teleport?" Apparently not, for Romi looked as shocked as the rest of us. Except for Ash, who had his winning grin cemented onto his face.

"Glalie, Ice Beam! Give it all you got!" Glalie aimed his attack straight at the ground, and when I heard Lucario yowling, I understood what had happened.

The first thing Ash had Glalie do was cover the field in ice, covering up all the holes Bulbasaur dug. Then he maneuvered Glalie near one of the hidden pit-falls and let Lucario's own weight do the work. Blaze Kick only melted the ice and sped up the process.

"You used a Hole Trap!" I accused, almost scandalized.

"Huh?" At Ash's innocent face, I grit my teeth.

"That was one of Team Rocket's Hole Traps!" I didn't know where they were hiding, but I could hear Team Rocket's tearful cheers echoing from the stands.

Ash shrugged. "Was the only thing I could think of." Well, it was about time Team Rocket was good for something.

With nowhere to escape from Ice Beam, Lucario soon fainted, but Cressalia then felled Glalie without too much trouble. The poor guy had taken a lot of damage from Lucario, so the match then fell to Squirtle.

"All right! Let me at 'em!" he cheered, and with the field having been turned into a hockey rink, Ash had Squirtle retreat into it's shell and use Hydro Pump to rocket itself across the arena.

Cressalia never knew what hit it. "I've never seen a match like this, folks! This is a battle you can't afford to miss!" It was exciting, even more so when Squirtle proceeded to take down Romi's Tyranitar with ease, shell still ricocheting around the arena.

It was her last Pokemon that gave us trouble. "Go! Victini!" Well, shoot. Another legendary... "Searing Shot!"

And just like that, all the ice on the field was gone, along with most of the grass. Squirtle was stopped dead in his tracks and even Hydro Pump just evaporated. Within seconds, Squirtle had fainted and there was only one Pokemon left on either side.

I gulped as Ash scanned Victini with his pokedex. _"...__This Pokémon brings victory. It is said that Trainers with Victini always win, regardless of the type of encounter..."_ As if I wasn't nervous enough. To have come so far, fought so hard, only to lose now?

"Well..." Ash exhaled as he pocketed his pokedex and turned to me. "Ready to make history?" At my confused look, he forced a grin onto his face. "You know, make the... make the vict'ry pokemon lose?"

He was so confident that I felt my fighting spirit ignite. "...Yes!" Even of the odds were against us, even if we were riding on Ash's will alone, that would be enough to defeat even the strongest opponents.

"Um, and Pikachu?" Ash only hesitated for a nanosecond. "Full power. Everything you've got."

That brought me back down for a bit. "_Really? _ Are you okay with that?"

"Yeah, it's strong, can take it, right? And I'm... like, it's the last match, the last... and, um..." There was a twinkle in his eye that no nervousness could ever extinguish. "Want you to show off a little..."

Show off? Ha! If Ash gave me full reign, I was going to decimate Victini. "Let me in there!"

Ash waved his hand and I shot onto the field, racing up to meet Victini, who was far less impressed with me. "If you're the last defense, this match should be a piece of cake!" it teased, "I saw some of your earlier battles! You're electric attacks are nothing!"

I just grinned back. "Better rethink that, 'cause the training wheels are_ off,_ baby!" I was so excited to be back at full capacity, and my cheeks sizzled with abandon. To meet an opponent I had no chance of hurting no matter how high the voltage went, to know that Ash trusted in my power enough to both win this match and not cause harm to him or anyone else, to feel myself pushing against all my limits and standing before the world at my full strength and capability...

… This was everything I had been looking for.

"Thunderbolt!

"Flare Blitz!" And everything collided. The air crackled and hissed and shone with a blinding light as our attacks tried to overpower each other, but in the end there was only explosions.

"Don't worry, the attack hurts itself, look!" Ash cried out, and I did see that Victini had taken recoil damage from it's attack. "If it keeps using that, using that, we'll win!"

But Romi wasn't dumb enough to keep using attacks that damaged her own pokemon if I could deflect them so easily. "Searing Shot!"

"Hide under-underground!" The ice had melted, but all of Bulbasaur's tunnels remained and provided a safe haven from the flames. But I couldn't deny, hiding under the earth in these tunnels was making me uncomfortable, reminding me of that horrible time trapped under rubble while Ash bled out above me...

"Get ready...!" Ash's voice was faint, but I heard him from deep underground. I wasn't alone and neither of us were in danger, so there was no reason to feel uneasy.

Just telling myself that didn't make the feelings go away, but that was fine. I could work around them for as long as I had to be in here. As Ash had said so many times, these were just feelings, and feelings couldn't hurt you. "Victini's in there! Get out! Get out and wait!" I sprung out of my hole, grateful to be back in the sunlight. "Listen for it!" I tuned out all other noises and tried to make out Victini...

But it was Victini's smell that clued me in to it's location more than sound, and that particular scent of burning flames was unmistakable. I immediately realized which hole Victini was rising from and shot towards it with Quick Attack.

"Iron Tail!" Like hitting a baseball, I smashed Victini so perfectly that it went flying across the field, a grand slam. Ash and I waited with baited breath to see if it would get up...

Unfortunately, Vicitni did, and it had a delicious grin. "I'm sorry! You're _way_ stronger than I thought!"

"You'll be even sorrier once I win," I tried to keep up the banter, but I was nervous to see how much strength Victini still had.

It shook it's head with a smile. "I wouldn't go that far," it giggled at me, "But this might be the best battle I've had in a long time. No one else has been able to scratch me."

"Aw, is it lonely at the top?" I mocked, while Victini began charging up it's flames.

Ash reacted first. "Pikachu, back under-" His tone was shrill, so I didn't wait for him to finish. I dived underground just before V-Create incinerated the world above me. But the reprieve didn't last long. "Get out, get out, get out!" Flames were now pouring through the tunnel, smoking me out, and it was all I could do to escape back to the surface without being burned. "Block it! En'gy Ball!"

I obeyed, only knowing that flames were coming for me and we were running out of hiding places. Even if the flames themselves weren't touching me, the heat was excruciating, and just being near these attacks was wearing me down. Victini was faster than me, and as much as it killed me to admit it, probably stronger than me. They had us on the run now, and I didn't see how I could turn this around.

But I had one very exceptional trainer, so I had to hang in there until the very end. "C-counter Shield!" It was too hot to move, and flames nipped at me from every side, but I forced myself to obey and push back the flames. It surprised Victini a little, but not enough to give me a reprieve, and the Thunderbolt I released next barely damaged it. What would it take to bring this thing down?

"Thunder Armor!" Ash cried while Victini paused for breath.

Would that even work without Swellow? Who knew, but it was worth a try. We were running out of options anyway...

I fired my Thunderbolt up into the sky and let the electricity restore my power as it came back down in the form of a lightning strike. Vicitni backed away, knowing full well what getting struck by lightning could do to you, but I was an Electric-Type, and I had done this before. I relaxed all my instincts and let the charge build up.

In the end, it wasn't nearly as strong as it had been with Swellow, but I did feel stronger, faster and was covered in a gleaming, golden shield that would repel anything my opponant threw at me. Niether Victini nor the commentator knew what to make of that. "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is an attack I've never seen before!"

The crowd was definatly getting their money's worth today. I just leveled Victini with a devious smirk.

"Hit me with your best shot," I whispered, before Ash had me rushing in with a Quick Attack and a Thunderbolt that were so close together it might as well have been Volt Tackle. After that came Iron Tail, with another Thunderbolt that must have blinded all the people in the stands and blasted Victini a good fifty feet.

There was no longer such a thing as failure. We had it back, the old connection, the sense of magic, and I felt our fighting spirit burning up the field with more fury than anything Victini could throw at me. Ash, Romi, Victini and myself, we were the only four beings in the world who mattered, stars in a shining firmanemt. No, not mere stars. Ash and I were twin suns going supernova and we could have set the universe on fire if we felt like it.

But, as so typically happened, the match was never so assured that it couldn't turn around in a second. "V-Create! Full blast!"

"'Lectro Ball!" I prepared to release an Electro Ball that could have been seen from outer space, but somehow, Victini's attack was just a little bit faster, and my world erupted in flames once again. I fought back, but my strenght was slipping, the golden glow of Thunder Armor was fading and fear sliced through me when my defences could no longer hold, my tiny frame blasted back to be buffeted and burned by Victini's relentless attack.

Through it all, I could hear Ash calling out to me, but I couldn't respond. I didn't have the ability nor the strength, and despite my efforts to hold on to conciousness, my primary thought was a desperate wish to just make it stop...

I had nothing left. No more energy, no more tricks, no more will. It was all I could do not to faint, even as Victini's attack finally let up. But Ash was still calling out to me. "Get up, Pikachu! Come on!" Ash wanted me to stand. He wanted me to fight.

And Ash never asked for things he knew I couldn't do. If he thought I could win this match, then that was all I needed.

So I stood up. I got up on my shaking feet and brushed the dust off my shoulders. Victini's eyes bulged out of their sockets. "Pikachu, Thunderbolt!" Nothing mattered but Ash's orders, nothing existed but his expectations and my desire to answer them, for they were the same as my own. We were a team, and his will fueled my power, lighting arcing through the air to hit Victini square on. I saw Ash in the corner of my eye, pulling his baseball cap down to hide his eyes. But his smirk was present and determined. "Give it everything you got!" And I did. I threw every last shred of energy into that attack, even after my vision became obscured by stars...

I woke up with my face in the dirt. Sound was dead, all I could hear was a wooshing in my ears. Colors were muted to dull grays and browns.

Had I fainted? Had we come so far only to fall short at the very end?

But no, Victini was down, too, currently being recalled into a pokeball, and it's trainer wasn't quite as estatic as I would expect from someone who won a semifinal at the Pokemon League. And then I saw that flag in the referree's arms outstretched to me and filling my world with color again.

It was my side of the field he was indicating.

My team.

With a roar, all the sound came back to my ears as the arena swelled with cheers that nearly deafened me. My limbs all shook, but not from fatigue. I won. Two legendary pokemon, and I had won. My friends and I had taken on Romi's whole impossible team and we won. Now I was standing in the arena, proud and strong while hoardes of people screamed my name...

Suddenly I was swept off the ground and crushed against Ash's chest. "Thank you-Thank you! You were so great!"

"You were pretty great yourself," I choked out while Ash just squeezed me harder. "You did it!"

"Thank you-Thank you, love you, so proud of you, so proud-" Ash continued on, and I just let my cheeks sizzle in glee.

I was proud of us, too.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24: To Claim My Rightful Place

* * *

><p>"You say your Pikachu's been unhappy," Nurse Joy looked us over dubiously, "Neither of you <em>look<em> unhappy..." We certainly didn't. Ash and I were still riding our winner's high and were grinning from ear to ear, occasionally catching each other's eyes and breaking into fits of giggles.

"Well, not _now..._" Ash tried to explain, "We just, we just won the match, but things have been bad and I want to make them right again..." We won our match in a blaze of glory and there was only one left... Very shortly, we would be fighting for the championship trophy, but along with giving his team a check-up, Ash was determined to make good on his promise of counseling. "Stuff keeps happening, keep forgetting, and I want to make sure the p-problem's really fixed."

Nurse Joy nodded. "Well then, tell me about it from the beginning."

From the very beginning would've been a long story so Ash skipped over some things. "I'm, well, I was in an accident and got hurt and P-pikachu was part of it..." Ash never said it was my fault, not once. "And I think he-he says he feels bad or, uh you felt bad about it, like, guilty, but things were getting better... I thought, but he still had nightmares, lots of nightmares and then, him yesterday-no! Today- our friend to said something mean 'n Pikachu got really sad again, and I don't know... I just want, I want Pikachu to feel happy all the time, you know, no matter what anybody says! Needs to be perfect."

"I see..." There was something about this Nurse Joy that seemed familiar, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. The shade of her hair was a darker hue than the usual nurses we saw, more of a red, but Ash and I had met so many different Joy's in our travels, and so many nurses had been called in to help at the Pokemon league. I couldn't remember if we had met this particular one before, not having Brock's skills for identifying subtle differences between them.

But Ash picked up on the signs as well. "You're voice sounds really familiar, really familiar..."

"I get that all the time! Everyone says I sound just like my sister, she's the Nurse Joy in Celadon City!"

"No, thasssnot it..." Both Ash and I were puzzled, but eventually had to let it go. We had a more important issue to discuss with Nurse Joy, anyway, so Ash continued to outline our problem for her. "... so I don't want Pikachu to get sad just 'cause other people say stuff, you know? Just want to make everything perfect."

"You keep using the words 'perfect' and 'I want'," Nurse Joy observed. "Why is that?"

"Well, uh..." Ash was surprised to be made the subject, and the more he thought about it, the more he squirmed. "Pikachu's my friend, so I want him to be happy."

"Of course you do, but you know Pikachu's happiness isn't up to you, right? It's up to Pikachu." Ash bit his lip and sunk back into his chair. "Does that make you uncomfortable?"

Now in the hotseat, Ash looked _extremely_ uncomfortable. I was just happy we weren't talking about me. Ash might have been determined to drag me off to counseling, and he might have been right to do so, but after such a glorious battle and the peace I currently felt, talking about the past felt a little stupid, like I had over-reacted. "I know I can't_ m-make _him happy, but..." I managed to catch Ash's eye, but it didn't take any of the pressure off him. "If he's s-sad or thinks it's his fault, he might go away again, and maybe this time, this time I won't find him..."

"I'm not going anywhere," I said, and Joy also tried to reassure him, but Ash just screwed up his face.

"It's not always, like,_ walking_ away, sometimes it's... urgh, that's not the point!" He crossed his arms and sulked. "Me being sick was really hard for you, hard for you. And it's hard now, but I can't fix that. Being like this, I hurt you and make you sad, 'nd can't make it better, so e-everything else has to be perfect, so you d-don't..." He saw my face, and grew intimidated. "...you know, want to leave..."

"Oh, this is precious," I snarled, suddenly ticked off. "After that big speech you gave me this morning? You're such a hypocrite!"

"I'ssnot 'cause I owe you!" Ash snapped back. "Not _my_ fault how you feel! Just want to make it easier!"

"Hypocrite!"

"Stop being mean, being mean! I'm only trying..." Ash's frustration was getting the better of him. "Never mind! Don't understand!"

"What, that you think you have to fix all my problems or I'll ditch you?" I argued, "Because that's exactly what you sound like!"

"No! It's_ hard!_" Ash pressed. "This! Watching me be sick and having to be my-my, um, taking care of me! And I get hurt or s-scared and you can't do anything, 'nd never get a break-"

"You think I resent that?"

"-even hard for Mom-"

"-We're _friends_! How many times do I have to tell you tha-"

"_Normal people don't do this!_" Ash finally exploded, and I had to stop when the tears burst from his eyes. Underneath the waterworks, Ash looked too miserable for my ranting.

"What do you mean by that, twerp- I mean, Ash?" Nurse Joy asked, and Ash gripped the edge of his chair with white knuckles.

"Sometimes, sometimes I'm so... helpless, like babysitting, but you do it, 'cause you're nice, everyone does. Have to watch me be hurt and can't do simple stuff, make me do stuff I don't want to, take med'cine I don't like, even if I'm screaming at you, have to make me do it, have to... Know it's awful, if it were you, instead of me, I'd cry every day, it'd be so hard..."

I reached out and patted Ash's arm. "You know I don't hate you for anything."

Ash ignored that with a shake of his head. "But then I say, "Let's train", or-or, "Let's go to the Pokemon League", you know, and you do it. I ask and now you have to deal with it all the time! Every day, never get a break, always _your_ job now, but-but everyone, even Mom needs a break. 'cause this is hard... they get tired, and..." I watched Ash struggle and fail to compose himself. "Who does that? Normal people don't, Pikachu, need to get away sometimes, but I asked you to stay with me and now it's your life! All the time, have to deal with me, why would you want that, why would you want that? So I have to take care of everything else, so you don't get tired..."

I looked to Nurse Joy for advice, but she just watched me with an expectant gaze, so I turned back to Ash. "It's not like hanging out with you is a chore." Ash gave me a glance out of the corner of his eye.

"Sometimes I'm really glad this happened to me, and not you, not you. Like, if it had to be one of us... 'Cause I think dealing with all my stuff is easier than being you..." When I thought about it, I secretly agreed. If I could have switched our positions, I would have done so in a heartbeat and not just to spare Ash the physical pain. Going through such suffering had to be an ordeal, but it was easier to be the one who got to focus on themselves than have to watch a friend go through this and futilely try to help.

I was just glad Ash was the one who said it aloud. "Well, you don't make it look easy," I said, and my trainer laughed. "So, what's the problem? You don't want me to leave but you think I should?"

"I just don't want you to feel, like, over-over... um, too much, like it all makes you sad. Or it's a mistake, and you're too tired to feel good..."

"Yeah, but if you take everything on yourself, you'll be the one getting tired," I pointed out.

"I'm a Pokemon Trainer. 'Sssmy job to take care of everything."

"Not this again." I felt my frustration returning. "You always pull this! You're the trainer, so you have to do all the hard stuff! Run into danger and risk your life, everything's your responsibility, everything else has to come before you! That's how we got into this mess in the first place!" Ash gave me a weird look. "What? Was I too fast?"

"I understand," Ash replied, still with the strange frown. "But you... you don't, don't usually talk like that..."

"But I'm always thinking it!" Nurse Joy leaned back in her chair, ignored while Ash and I argued. "Who made you the boss of me?"

A wry smirk tugged at Ash's lips. "_You_ let me be your trainer..." he teased. So, technically, _I_ made him the boss. Or at least, Professor Oak did.

"Well, I never wanted a trainer, I wanted a friend!" I shot, and that wiped the smirk right off Ash's face. I regretted it instantly. "Look, I..."

"I thought I was being both..." Ash mumbled, and I cast a pleading look to Nurse Joy.

No help came. "You are," I backpedaled, "And I do like training with you. I just hate it when you make these life and death decisions by yourself, even if it's to protect me." Always risking his life, not telling me he was sick. "We're supposed to be a team."

"You decide stuff without me, all the time, _all_ the time," Ash grumbled, and the tone in his voice bothered me.

"I feel like I have to do something special to be worthy of it," I tried to say clearly and slowly. He had to understand how I felt, I needed to make him understand this.

And it seems I got through, because his face softened a bit. "Don't want you to be special or anything," he told me. "I want you to be alive. But you, it's like you want me to be everything. Like, best trainer, best friend, do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that, save me, don't save me, like... dunno what I used to be like, but I bet I couldn't do it then, either. Bet I wasn't perfect then, either."

"No, you definitely weren't," I teased. This was an argument we'd been having since day one. Maybe we'd never find a solution, and would forever be frustrating each other with selfless concern.

Ash's smile twisted a bit. "You know, came here to talk about you, about_ you_..." he teased, and I just laughed.

"I think we're making good progress here!" Nurse Joy said, even when Ash and I looked at her with disbelief. "I mean it! Sometimes you accomplish more by being honest than by being nice." Maybe she was right. I'd put Ash on a pedestal a lot recently, practically worshiping him some days, but it was only after I stopped treating him like some glass, graven image and recognized my own worth that we were able to fight such a great battle together. Ash wasn't so saintly or so fragile that I couldn't knock some sense into him.

"But it might be good to discuss things separately for a few minutes," Nurse Joy suggested, and Ash and I didn't see a problem with that. "Chansey! Please take Pikachu into the other room, and I'll talk here with the twe-Ash!" A Chansey hopped into the room, but one of the most unusual ones I'd ever seen.

It was far too short, and seemed to weigh a lot less than average, but despite being so light, it's moves were slow and clumsy. It was all I could do not to stare, after all, my own trainer was so very different from the average human. It wasn't fair to judge Chansey's capabilities because of how it looked.

I waved goodbye to Ash and followed Chansey into the other room. Honestly, after arguing with Ash I didn't think we needed a third party anymore, weird as that sounded. I had finally gotten the chance to talk openly, and after weeks of apologizing for everything and being hyper-considerate of each other, to let loose and argue like before felt natural. Our teamwork was back, we still had disagreements but we could say what we needed to say to each other. I didn't feel like I had to keep things hidden.

But talking with a professional couldn't hurt, or so I thought. "'Dis way, Pikachu," Chansey said, opening a door for me and I entered without a thought.

"Thank you." But the second I was through the door it suddenly occurred to me the Chansey had not spoken in it's native language, it had used human speech. With such a familiar accent...

"Hey, wait!" I cried, but it was too late. The charge in the air changed, and I was pulled by an unseen force all the way across the room and out the open door, across the lawn until I was stuck to the side of Team Rocket's balloon. They had a giant electro magnet, and I was helpless to do anything but watch as the Chansey revealed itself to be Meowth in disguise. "Da plan's working! All aboard!"

Nurse Joy came tearing out of the Pokemon Center, shedding her nurse's uniform and proving her true identity to be Jessie. "Step on it, James!" She hopped into the balloon and we lifted off into the air, and I watched Ash run out after us.

"Pikachu!" But he was too far behind, too far below. Even when he jumped, his reach was about a foot too short and I watched gravity pull him back down to the ground, far away from me.

"Pikapi!" I knew it wouldn't work, but I let loose a thunderbolt that just ended up providing more power to the jet packs on Team Rocket's balloon. The magnet's force wasn't just holding me hostage, it was making me sick, throwing all my electric currents out of whack. I felt weak and exhausted, but at the same time, far too overpowered for my own good. What now? How could I escape from this?

Were they going to take me back to their boss?

More and more, the Pokemon Center was shrinking as we left the Indigo Plateau. We were headed towards the mountains now, far away from rescue. Above me, in the balloon, Jessie and James were running through their motto, even while Meowth protested, "Ya do know da twerp can't hear us, right?"

"Ugh, I wish I couldn't, wish I couldn't!" Ash! "Charmander, Flamethrower!"

"Will you ever get my name right?" Streaking through the air were Ash and Charizard, determination carved on both their faces.

I should have known they wouldn't be far behind. "Turn off the magnet, you're hurting him!" Ash cried, and I involuntarily cried out and supported his observation.

But Team Rocket didn't listen. "Frillish! Bubblebeam!" Charizard was forced to dodge the water attack, but Ash leapt from the dragon's back and landed in the balloon basket. I couldn't see anything after that, but heard the sound of shrieks and thuds and angry yelling. Hopefully my trainer was winning at whatever he was trying to do.

"You take care of Team Rocket! I'll get Pikachu, get Pikachu!"

"We're right here, twerp! Don't ignore us!" Charizard continued to battle Team Rocket's pokemon and occasionally took a shot at the trio, while Ash seemed to be making his way down the side of the balloon to the magnet that held me. He slipped once, and his sneaker dangled in front of my face, nothing around for a foothold.

"Don't worry, Pikachu, I'm coming, I'm coming..."

"Please be careful!" But then Charizard and Frillish's attacks collided and formed an explosion that could have lit up all Kanto. It overwhelmed Team Rocket, but the force blew back everything, Frillish flew off into the distance, Charizard was disoriented and gliding around in a daze, and worst of all, the magnet that held me separated from the balloon.

I was still stuck, and so in his usual fashion, Ash jumped and grabbed onto a section of falling metal. We and the wreckage screamed through the air until we collided with the mountainside.

Fo a second I thought I was back fighting Victini. Everything was black save the stars that danced around my vision. Even when I tried to open my eyes and focus, everything was a mix of black shadows and garbled sounds.

But worst of all was the pain. If I had actually broken a bone in that fall, I'd never know, for all the electric power coursing through my body. I shot off Thunderbolt attacks without any restraint, but it didn't relieve the pressure, and I felt like I was going to explode. I seemed to be free from the magnet, but I wasn't safe in the slightest.

"Pikagarbalarastop!" A voice was shouting at me that I couldn't quite hear, something was threatening me, and I fired a shot at the villain I couldn't see. "No! Gurabalapah it's me! Stopagrablegarble Ash!"

Ash! I immediately reigned in all my Thunderbolts, even though doing so made me feel like a balloon about to pop. "Pikapi?" I forced myself to listen, forced myself to focus...

"Uh huh! Don't worry, don't worry, it's okay..." Like all the times before, Ash was here to save me, like that time in Hoenn where I'd been strapped to another electromagnet and become overpowered...

Wait, this was terrible! "You have to get away!" I screamed, and electricity poured out of me with the effort. "I can't control this!" This had happened before, and it was disastrous! I might fire off horribly destructive attacks or I could even spontaneously combust from the power build up! As if to prove my point, more charges forced their way out of me and sizzled in the air.

"Pikachu, what are you-s-stop it!" He sounded terrified. Squinting my eyes, I finally could make out a dark blur that looked a bit like Ash.

"Urg, magnet!" I choked out, willing all the strength in me to keep me from accidentally frying my trainer. "Too much electricity, I can't..." I felt something shifting underneath me and my stomach turned. "What going on?"

"Don't move! Don't move!" Ash cried, and I help my breath until I felt the movement subside. I still couldn't see anything well enough to understand the situation. "Pikachu, you're, um... the metal thing, it's gonna fall, like, tipping!" The magnet? Was I on top of that? "It'ssson the edge of the cliff, and some rocks, like, not safe! You have to get over here! Okay? Jump!"

Easier said than done. I got to my feet and the ground beneath me shifted again, and my whole body was burning up. Just one step and I was shooting off electricity, there was no way I could hold it in if I tried to jump. "I can't!"

"Pikachu, you're gonna fall! Jump over to me!"

"I said, I can't!" I shrieked back, and Ash had some screams of his own when Thunderbolt shot out of my body. "It hurts!"

"'Sssokay, 'sokay," Ash soothed as soon as he composed himself. "Don' move, don' move, I'm coming over..." He couldn't be serious.

"I can't control this! Aren't you listening?" I yelled at him. "I can't even see you, I can't do anything! Don't you dare-" I heard rocks tumbling and a small yelp from Ash. "It's too dangerous!"

"Know you hate it, but we don't have time to discuss this, time to discuss this!" Ash snapped, fear in every word. "No time! I don't wanna l-lose you!"

I didn't want to lose him, either. But here we were, in another dangerous situation where if he didn't die trying to rescue me, I might accidentally kill him for succeeding. After some heavy breathing and listening to Ash nearly fall to his death a few more times, I was able to open my eyes and make out a clearer version of my surroundings.

As Ash said, we were on the edge of a cliff, my magnet and I balanced precariously on a small jutting of rocks and surrounded by sheer walls all around. Several feet away was a small plateau, presumably where Ash had scrambled over from, but now my trainer was dangling off the cliff walls with a death grip on a plant that was growing out. I didn't know how long it would hold his weight, and I couldn't see any way for him to progress from there.

He was still a good six or seven feet away, and the sight swam in front of me. "Pikachu, you have to jump!" he commanded. "I can't get over there, have to jump!"

"No way!" I grit my teeth and just tried to breathe. I couldn't risk moving, absolutely couldn't hit Ash with another uncontrolled attack. We couldn't go through all of this again, but even as I thought so, the dead magnet underneath me lurched again and I had to dig in my claws to keep from sliding off the edge.

"Pikachu, please!" Ash shrieked, arm straining to reach me. His arm was always stretched out to me, that was never going to change. But if I jumped now, if I got too close and lost control, I might hurt him again. If the power inside me exploded out, I might even kill him. Was Ash's life worth this risk? It had been one thing on the battlefield, but now... "Please, you have to jump now!"

He was crying. Terrified, and so was I. Our eyes locked and I willed him to understand my complex feelings, how terrified I felt with this current trying to tear me apart, how much I didn't want to hurt my best friend, how badly I didn't want to die here. But I couldn't bring myself to move. Ash had protected me before, leaving me in safety when I might have helped him through something dangerous. He could help me now, but he might also end up crippled or dead, and wouldn't protecting him be the honorable thing?

I was willing to die for Ash's sake, but that didn't mean I was looking forward to it. What I wanted most of all was to jump into his arms and race to the nearest Pokemon Center, I wanted to live, I wanted to win that Championship trophy with him... We were supposed to be making our way to that battlefield this evening, what time was it now? Were we going to be able to make it back in time? Would I even be in any condition to fight?

My life was in danger and all I could think about was a League match. I was turning into Ash. "I can't do it, I can't!" I sobbed, clenching my fists and trying to hold my power in. I couldn't bring myself to move, but I wanted to live, I wanted to travel to new regions and learn new attacks, watch a lifetime's worth of sunrises.

I didn't want this to be my last sunset, about to die on the edge of some unknown cliff while my trainer cried over me.

In dangerous situations, Ash would always make the decisions he thought best, whether I agreed with them or not, but he didn't get to decide my choices. If I jumped now, I might maim Ash, I might not. But if I stayed here, whether by falling or electricity overload, I was definitely going to die.

And in this one, specific moment, I decided that was a risk worth taking. "Okay," I wheezed, getting to my shaking feet. "I'm coming..." Ash seemed petrified by the electric shocks I couldn't help but release, even so, he kept reaching out to me, managing to stay present in the moment.

"It's gonna be fine, Pikachu, you're gonna be fine," he whispered, probably convincing himself as much as me. I braced myself and prepared to jump-

-But then the magnet shifted again, and I tilted to the side. I saw Ash's horror as I tumbled away from him, falling off the cliff along with all the rocks and metal. It would take more than Electro Ball to save me now...

Ash, in his infinite idiocy, let go of his handholds and dived after me, eventually managing to grab my arm with one hand. The touch almost resulted in electrocution, but luckily, the charge was diverted to a piece of falling metal. "I hate you!" I screamed at him, even though I meant the opposite. Now we were both going to die horribly and all our efforts were both wasted.

"I know, I know," I swear I heard Ash mutter, but his eyes still tried to keep up a brave lie. "I've got you, it's gonna be fine..."

"_HOW?_" The ravine below us grew ever closer, and the fear and adrenaline were finally at a level where the pressure inside me didn't seem so important. I closed my eyes, focusing only on the death-grip Ash kept on my arm, and prepared for the end.

"What's that?" Ash's cry snapped me out of it, seconds before we were both swallowed up inside a pair of massive, pink bubbles. "Ooof!" The impact knocked the wind out of me, but as soon as I regained breath, I realized all my pain was gone. Or, at least, I no longer felt it, no longer seemed in danger of exploding. I pressed against the edges of the bubble and looked out to Ash, also suspended in his own pink prison with no more clue as to how this occurred than I had.

We both floated down towards a small cliff, and once we touched solid ground the bubbles both shimmered, and some strange magic flowed into me. Slowly, the bubbles disintegrated and left me and Ash standing in front of each other, glowing pink and trying to make sense of what had just happened.

"You didn't do that, d-did you?"

"Sure it wasn't you, Sir Aura Master?" Ash raised an eyebrow, but before he could say anything, a small, glowing pokemon appeared before us. A Mew, gleefully gliding through the air and bearing Ash's baseball cap.

Both of us gaped for a minute before Ash remembered his manners. "Thank you, uh... um, thank you. Did you save us?" Ash stammered as he took his hat, and Mew purred happily.

"Yup! It's no big deal, that was fun!" Only a Mew could find our near-death experience amusing. "I was hoping I would run into you!"

"Huh?" I asked the question since Ash had no idea what Mew was talking about, but Mew was distracted by a faint roar on the horizon, Charizard's triumphant announcement that Team Rocket had been completely and utterly demolished. "Oh well, another time, then!" Mew flitted off before we could say anything, leaving Ash and I standing in awe. "I hope I'll see you again!"

"Thank you..." Ash repeated, almost dazed while I racked my brain trying to remember all our previous encounters with this species of Pokémon. Was it an old friend or were Ash and I famous in Mew circles? Considering how many times Ash had met legendaries and saved the world, I wouldn't be surprised if Ash had become the kind of legendary human that would live forever in our stories, the kind that even the most powerful Pokémon dreamed of meeting someday.

Ash put his hands on his hips and looked down at me with a quizzical expression. "Did that feel really familiar?"

"It's not just you," I agreed. "Think it's the same Mew from the Tree of Beginning?" Ash raised an eyebrow and I realized I was asking the wrong person.

"Sorry." Ash giggled and I would've laughed with him but the pink glow was fading from our skin and that dampened my mood. The pain and pressure were returning and Ash jumped back when my cheeks began sparking again. I tried to hold it back but it was futile.

Charizard touched down on the ledge beside us. "Oh,_ now _you show up!" I snapped, but he ignored me in favor of Ash's commands. "To the Pokemon Center! Fast as you can!" Ash gathered me in his arms, a little gingerly, and in seconds we were racing through the air with Charizard.

"Calm down, just rest, you'll be okay..." Ash kept up a steady stream of soothing chatter as we flew, and while it was comforting, it didn't make the pain stop.

The pressure inside me was too powerful to hold back. "Drop me, drop me!" I struggled against Ash's arms but he didn't let go so easily.

"_Where?_" he cried, just before I screamed out a Thunderbolt. I tried so hard to keep it in, but my control was fraying more and more. Both Ash and Charizard seized up and we plummeted for several hundred feet before Charizard could right himself and I stopped throwing voltage around.

"Pi..." There was barely any breath in my lungs to ask if Ash was all right, and even though his arms never let go of me, I could hear his barely suppressed screams and feel his tears on my face. "You..."

"'m fine, 'm fine," he kept lying, but growing more confident in time. "Try to hang on, 'k? We're almost there, almost there!" I whimpered into Ash's chest, not at all consoled by his thundering heart. "Not giving up, gonna make it!"

Another wave of electricity hit and we dropped again but not as much. My stomach felt queasy this time but Charizard managed to power through it and stay airborne. Everything was blurring together into one dark pool, and even the feeling of Ash's arms were becoming less tangible. It didn't help that night had fallen, the last vestiges of the sun's light disappearing behind the mountain.

"You're gonna miss the match..." I mumbled into Ash's chest, this thought suddenly taking over all my thoughts. "Because of this..."

"Huh?" I repeated myself for Ash at his request, and it took three times for him to catch on to what I was saying.

When he did, his body tensed up. "Don't even think it, Pikachu!" His voice was harsh, dark, determined. I couldn't help but obey.

"Okay," I answered in my faint whisper of a voice, before everything in the outside world fell away. There was just me and the exploding power that was going to rip me to shreds, but I couldn't allow even the slightest bit of electricity to leave my body. _ Just hang on _I kept repeating to myself, _Hold it in as best you can, just a little longer, you're almost there... _We flew through the night, my hold on Thunderbolt steadily weakening along with my ability to remain in reality...

* * *

><p>I woke up to beeping and the smell of electricity burning up the air. "Pikachu!" I blinked my eyes slowly and Ash came into focus, eyes bright and grateful. "You're okay!"<p>

More than okay, I felt fantastic. I sat up in a hurry, noticing Charizard's head sticking through an open window and greeted him before looking around the room. "Nurse Joy, she used this machine, this one here," Ash pointed to a machine near my bedside, "Like, absorbs electricity, or s-something, all the Thunderbolts went in there, you nearly broke it! But she said you're fine now, are you fine?"

"Yes..." I felt great, but mentally, I was still trying to catch up. Being in the Pokemon Center was a good sign, but I couldn't believe it had all been so simple. "And you? How are you?"

"Fine, now that you're okay!" Ash smiled, but at my hard stare, he rolled his eyes. "Oh, that..."

"Yes, that!" I snapped, not liking the way he was trivializing the possible return of his old injuries.

But there was a flash of pain in his eyes that took away all my anger, and I realized that trivializing the situation might have been the only defense Ash had left to him. "Think I'm fine, the attacks weren't that bad, weren't that bad," Ash kept insisting, and when I looked to Charizard, he nodded.

"They were pretty weak. If you couldn't take _me_ down I'm sure you didn't hurt the kid." Charizard had a point; he was a Flying-type and sensitive to electric attacks, but had managed to keep flying even as I was shocking him. My attacks couldn't have done_ too _much damage...

Still... "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I did tests while you were out. Took brain pictures and stuff," Ash waved my worries away. "If something's wrong, they'll call me."

"Did you really?" I asked suspiciously, not backing down when Ash frowned. "You've lied to me about this before."

"I feel fine! Told doctor, what more do you want?" Ash huffed, and I gave up. There was nothing anybody could do but wait, and I was just going to have to let my worries go. Just like visiting Nurse Joy, if there wasn't an obvious problem, all she could do was run some tests and wait for the results.

"How long until they get back to you?" Ash didn't understand the question, so I had to repeat myself. "When do you know the results?" When did we find out whether or not the nightmare was back?

"I'm fine, Pikachu!" Ash whined, but after more pressing, "I forget, okay? Don't remember how long it takes to... to show stuff..."

"It doesn't really matter, does it?" Charizard interrupted my strained sigh and Ash's pouting. "We're just waiting, and even if something's wrong they probably wouldn't be able to do much for him right away."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, glaring at Charizard. Of course the test results mattered!

"I mean, based on what happened last time, they'll have to monitor him and discuss stuff before deciding how to treat him, it's not like they'll pump him full of meds or whisk him off to surgery right on the spot."

"So, what's your point?"

"Well, if neither of you are in pain and there's nothing we can do right now, then it really doesn't matter if we wait here for the results..." Charizard gave a pointed look at the clock. "Or in the stadium." 6:35. Our league match started over half an hour ago.

Would they have waited this long? "What is it?" Ash looked between me and Charizard. "You say you want to fight?" Charizard roared the affirmative and I leaped to my feet to help him persuade Ash, all worries tabled.

"If we leave now, we can be there in no time!" we cried. "It's the final match, they might still be waiting!"

"But Pikachu..." Ash seemed worried and I did my best to dispel any fears he might have.

"I'm fine, I promise," I said truthfully, trying to show him how energetic and free from harm I felt. Now that the excess electricity had been drained, I did feel like I could take on the world.

But Ash needed a second opinion and called Nurse Joy over. "Well, I would recommend rest after that ordeal," she sighed, but she gave me a smile. "Still, there's nothing actually wrong with Pikachu, it's completely healthy. Now that the excess electricity is gone, there's no danger in fighting a battle."

With her words, Charizard and I were all the more insistent. "We can't give up now! Not after we've come so far!" Ash hesitated for a few more seconds but I could tell he wanted this just as much as we did. There was no place he wanted to be more than on that battlefield.

"All right," he finally said, "Let's go! Pikachu-" He didn't even have to finish saying my name and I was already on his shoulder, and I'm sure it took all of Ash's discipline to run out the front door instead of jumping straight through the window onto Charizard. Before long we were in the air and racing towards the battlefield and our championship match.

In the back of my mind, I prayed to anything that would listen that the referee would've held the match for so long, that we would be to fight our most important match...

That's what I hoped, but the stadium was almost empty when we got there. Just a few people in the stands, and I recognized our group of friends, but not the crowds of spectators I would have expected. "No," I whispered as we came in closer, not wanting to believe what my eyes were telling me. Charizard landed on the field and Ash and I jumped off, looking around for one hopeful sign.

There were no tournament officials, no commentators, even the referee was collecting his things and chatting with some people by the stands. We ran over to him, desperate. "Please! Is-is it too late?"

The man was surprised. "Are you Ash Ketchum? We waited fourty-five minutes for you!"

"I'm sorry," Ash apologized, "Tried to make it, really, there was trouble..." The referee sympathized, probably because Ash, Charizard and I all looked like we'd been through a meat grinder, but there was nothing he could do.

"The decision's already been made. We had to call it a forfeit." Ash looked devastated, and he recalled Charizard into his pokeball before the dragon could fly into a rage about being deprived of his victory.

An empty pop can suddenly whizzed by us. "Hey, thanks for nothing, loser!" All of us looked to the stands, where a few angry people had assembled. "I waited in line for hours for these tickets!"

"Yeah, I'm _so_ glad I saved up for this!"

"Who drops out of the final match?" another trainer cried. "Everybody worked so hard to get here! If you were just going to quit, then you shouldn't have entered at all!" Some more trash was thrown down at us before the referee ran up to chase them off.

"Okay, none of that!" I swallowed and looked up to Ash, whose fists clenched with enough force to break bone.

"We were so close..." he whispered, and I didn't know what I could possibly say in return.

A girl wearing denim cutoffs and a baseball cap approached us, and I guessed that she was supposed to have been our opponent. She had a look of hollow disdain in her eyes. "You're late," she accused, and her voice sounded like we were attending a funeral, not a league conference. "I tried to get them to wait, but you never showed."

"I'm sorry," Ash apologized, still a little dazed, but he had realized that there was no hope in begging. Nothing would change this outcome, and nothing would win us back respect.

"They declared me the winner, by default," the girl said in that depressed, factual tone. She looked over the arena, past the stadium lights and to the Flame of Moltres that still burned so brilliantly. "Tomorrow I've got to walk across that stage and accept a trophy I didn't earn. It's embarrassing." Her eyes grew soft as she looked over the two of us. "But it looks like you've been through a lot tonight..."

"Team Rocket... they, um... they took my pokemon..."

"Ah," the girl said knowingly. Given Team Rocket's hijacking of the opening ceremonies the last time we competed at Indigo, I supposed it wasn't such an unbelievable story. "Did you get it back?"

"Yeah... I'm sorry," Ash repeated again. "I did want to-to battle, but..." he looked at me, then quickly looked away. "Some stuff happened. Wasn't fair, but..." He shook his head. "You did earn the... um, you did. Becuase Pokemon Masters have to take care of the important stuff, and you were the one here..." Any second now and Ash was going to cry, I could see the signs, but he managed to sound calm and mature. "You deserve it..."

"Thanks," the girl said with a dismissive sigh. "My name's Hilda, by the way. From Unova."

"I'm Ash, from Pallet Town."

"I know, they only called your name a million times while we were waiting for you." Ash looked guilty again, but Hilda cracked a smile. "But, like you said, Pokemon Masters have to take care of what's most important, right?"

"Right..." Hilda left us to continue gazing at the Flame of Moltres with her thoughts, and Ash let his head drop. With matching sighs, the two of us shuffled off to face our friends.

"I'm sorry," I found myself saying. It wasn't really my fault, but I felt obligated to say it. "This whole mess happened because of me..."

"It's okay, Pikachu, you're more important," Ash said without a second of hesitation. "You're always more important." It did make me feel a little better, but not enough to assuage hurt feelings from being deprived of our ultimate victory.

Even if the others didn't blame it on me for making us miss the match, I knew it would still sting. I remembered how I had felt back when Charizard cost us the fight against Ritchie and I had those same feelings now. We had proved ourselves in the last match but I wanted to reach the pinnacle.

We reached the stands and all our worried friends, and once Ash assured everybody that we were fine and all crisis had been dealt with, he bit his lip in frustration.

"'K, does this feel familiar, does this feel familiar to_ anybody_ else?" A good half of the party choked out some tension laughter, because this situation was so cruelly familiar to all of us, though we had been able to have our match with Ritchie back then. This was the first time we'd been turned away from a match, but it certainly wasn't the first time Team Rocket or some other villain interrupted an important battle. Really, one of these days Ash would just have to let me murder Team Rocket, and by the look on his face, he probably wasn't too far from it.

"I let everybody down," Ash said despondently, and while everyone rallied to assure him that he hadn't, it didn't lift his mood. "Know it's not, like... what'm'I gonna do, _not_ fight Team Rocket? I just... A pokemon master should be able to handle this stuff..."

"Yeah, well, so should his pokemon, and I wasn't winning any competence prizes out there, either," I muttered. Really, how had I not noticed that Nurse Joy was really Jessie? And after months of training, how could I let myself be so unbalanced by one magnet? Or put my trainer in such a dangerous position?

We were a good team, but maybe not the invincible force we thought we were. And maybe that was fine. Ash held out his arm and I jumped onto his shoulder. "Next time," he declared, though without his usual energy. "We'll train hard, beat this next time..." And the two of us shared a look that did more for me than everybody else's reassurance. There _would_ be a next time, Ash and I had proved we could travel and handle training, albeit with a little help. We had a future we could plan for, goals to aim for...

And that was better than any trophy.

"Hey." The girl from before, Hilda, walked purposefully over to our group. "You still want to battle? It wouldn't be official, or anything, but we might as well."

"Battle?" Ash was just as surprised as I was.

"Yeah, that way all our training's not a total loss. Besides," she said with a rueful twist of her lips, "I'd like to know I'm getting a trophy I deserve."

And Ash and I wanted to know what we could have deserved. We were only too eager to battle. We followed Hilda onto the field, but when the referee saw what we were doing, he stopped us. "Woah, wait up! Are you guys going to battle here?"

"Why not? We're scheduled to," Hilda pointed out. "It's not like this field was being used for anything else, anyway." The referee had to see the logic in that.

"Well, you can't battle without official authorization," he began, but then a voice echoed down form the stands.

"Aw, let them battle! That's the real spirit of this competition, isn't it?" We all looked up to see a short, elderly gentleman sitting in the bleachers. Mr. Goodshow.

If anyone had authorization, it was him, and since our battle was now sanctioned by the president of the Pokemon League, the referee had no more objections and even offered to officiate the match. Ash and I took our place across the stadium from Hilda. "Don't go easy, don't go easy just because isssnot off'cial!" Ash called, and Hilda just laughed.

"Are you kidding? I can't let you beat me before they give me the championship trophy! That'd be the worst!" She pulled out a pokeball while I readied myself. "You're the one who should watch out. I've traveled all over the world, and my pokemon are prepared for anything!"

"Me, too..." Ash looked down at me. "Ready?"

"Born ready." The referee threw his hands up in the air and a Serperior was released from Hilda's pokeball.

"Don't go full power just yet, save some for the end," Ash cautioned, before sending me in with Iron Tail. The two of us tore up the field, both attacking and dodging with ease as the silent stands slowly became more animated. Perhaps it wasn't an official match, but we were starting to draw a crowd.

"'Lectro Ball!" Electro Ball hit Serperior and sent it scrambling, and I heard a cheer rise up from the small crowd, before Leaf Storm suddenly obliterated everything. "Hold on! Coming from behind, Thunderbolt!" I couldn't' see, but I trusted Ash's directions. Serperior was strong, and we were trading attacks like playing cards, but I knew we could win. As long as I could hear Ash's voice, as long as we were still a team, there wasn't any force on earth we couldn't battle.

"Surround it on all sides, Serperior!"

"Thunderbolt the field, full power!" I hit Serperior with enough force that I'm surprised it stayed standing, but that didn't mean I made it out of there unscathed. Leaf Storm whittled my energy down and then I received a nice whack with it's tail that made me see stars for a second.

We were reaching the final inning. "Go for it, Pikachu, Electro Ball!"

"Energy Ball! This is it!" Serperior and I put everything we had into our attacks and they collided with an explosion that probably could have been seen from Johto. The shock waves knocked me off my feet and smashed me into the stadium wall, and I lost all sense of time, place and feeling.

But I could still hear Ash, telling me to hang on. There was still a spark of energy left, and as long as he had my back, I didn't need anything else. I couldn't be made to bow before anyone and if Ash thought I could win this match and I would do just that.

"Come on, get up! Can do it!" Yes I could. I made it to my feet and shook my head until I could make out colors again. A blurry vision of Serperior swam before me, also managing to rise, though it seemed just as beaten as I was.

"One more time, Pikachu, everything you have!" Once again I fired Electro Ball into Energy Ball, and the last thing I saw was the two titanic forces colliding into each other, neither one willing to back down...

I came to face-down on the field, a few seconds before Ash scooped me up in his arms. "Good job, good job, hung in there to the end." It took a few seconds for the world to stop spinning. "Was a tie, way to go!"

That perked me up instantly, and I twisted in Ash's arms to see Serperior being recalled into it's pokeball. Not as good as a win, but given how strong Serperior was, and my unfortunate track record against that evolutionary line, I was feeling pretty proud of myslef.

"Ladies and Gentlemen!" Ash, Hilda and I all ducked when we heard a booming voice come over the loudspeaker. "What a match that was!" We stared up at the commentator's booth, and the small group of assembled fans cheered out their agreement. I couldn't believe that the commentator, or anybody would remain. But his voice continued praising us. "It was an amazing showing from both teams. Aren't we all glad," his voice lost some of it's presentational quality and grew a bit more personal, "that we stayed to watch?"

Hilda then ran up to us. "Nice match. Looks like we're pretty even!"

"Serperior's really cool," Ash praised, "Energy Ball was- was amazing!"

"Well, that Pikachu's got a few surprises in him, too," Hilda grinned at me. "I don't feel like such a loser now. Next time, let's have a real fight!"

"Yeah," Ash agreed as she ran off, and he pulled me closer to him. "Next time..." He looked down at me, and I grinned up at him, not even feeling the effects of the battle. No trophy, not even a dignified loss at this League. But it didn't feel so bad anymore.

Next time, we'd be even better. And then the next time, and the time after that, until Ash and I conquered the world.

* * *

><p>The boat to Unova had arrived, calling to us with the promise of adventure. Ash and I faced our group to say the final goodbyes.<p>

Most of our friends had parted ways at the Indigo Plateau, returning to their homes or their travels. Only Brock and Misty traveled back to Pallet Town with us. Silver also left for the Orange Islands, but he told Ash that whenever he wanted a battle, all he had to do was pick up the phone. I doubted Ash was planning on taking him up on that anytime in the near future, but the two of them shared a goodbye that was surprisingly touching, given their usual friendly distance.

Iris and Cilan had returned to Unova after the League Conference, but they would both be waiting at the dock when we arrived, and the three of us would go traveling again. It felt so right, the idea of finishing our journey in Unova and traveling with those two again, like we had finally come full circle.

"Well, this is it!" Ash was itching to get on the boat, but I could also see some hesitation at leaving the others behind. The two of us would be completely on our own for the next stretch of the journey, with no one to rely on but each other.

To be honest, I was a bit nervous, too. Not for myself, but because Ash was my responsibility, and there was no one around to pick up the slack or fix my mistakes. Ash was putting complete faith in me to take care of him, just as I always did with him. It shouldn't have worried me so much, neither of us were helpless, but it was still a little daunting to think about.

In fact, it felt a little bit like those first few days of our journey together...

"Um, Brock, M-misty, uh, here!" Ash shoved some spoons and handkerchiefs into their hands, and Brock and Misty looked bewildered. "For you! Gonna miss you!"

Our friends echoed the sentiments, but finally Brock had to ask, "So, what's with the spoons? Does that mean something?" Ash furrowed his eyebrows, seemingly confused that this wasn't clear to everybody else. It made no sense to me, and I just shrugged when they all turned to me for an explanation.

"It's like, our thing?" Ash tried, now looking unsure. "When we say, say goodbye, give the spoons and-and f-f-for...f-forks and food, napkins, and wish everyone to be safe, because-because we're not alone... always , even if-if we split up, always together, always remember... so we'll be okay..." He crossed his arms and looked a little embarrassed. "Couldn't make any food, though. Not good at that stuff."

So that explained why Ash had nearly burnt the house down this morning. "But I r'member, used to do that, give spoons, always be with each other... isn't that our thing?" After parting ways in Johto, Brock and Misty had given us a boxed lunch, with a napkin and silverware. Such a tiny thing to remember...

"You're right, Ash," Misty smiled at him. "That is totally our thing." Ash beamed, and the rest of the goodbyes were sweet and heartfelt.

"Take care of him, Pikachu," Delia said to me just before we left. A small weight pressed down on me, but soon it dissipated. Of course I would take care of Ash. I had no intention of doing anything else.

I nodded my promise, and the next thing I new, Ash and I were running across the deck, relishing our new freedom.

"Don't forget to call when you reach Unova!" Delia called from below, her voice somehow standing out amongst the other well-wishers on the dock.

"I will!"

"Be good, and train hard!"

"I will!"

"Don't forget to change your underwear every-"

"Mom!" We waved until the boat carried us completely out of sight. Once Pallet Town could no longer be seen with the naked eye, Ash and I ran to the front of the boat, eyes fixed on the horizon.

"Well, this is it..." Ash breathed, and I nodded from his shoulder. The two of us, setting out to face a new challenge. "I'm finally going on a Pokemon Journey..." I looked at him in surprise, having momentarily forgotten that this wasn't a shared experience. "Well, guess, guess we did this before, huh? But it feels like the first time, I think, like a new start..." I nuzzled his cheek and decided I agreed.

The adventure had begun.

* * *

><p><strong>Pikachu's part of the story ends here. There is a second part from Ash's point of view, entitled "With Courage I Will Face", and it should be completely uploaded by the time you finish reading this.<strong>

**But if you're absolutely DONE with all this melodrama, thank you for sticking around to the end. This was a challenge for me to write, and though I am pig-headed and don't always accept criticism gracefully, I do appreciate everyone's comments and critiques. You've given me a lot to think about, and I hope it manifests itself in better writing. There were a lot of things I wish I could change now that I have the whole fic uploaded, but overall, I feel proud of this project. Thank you to all who supported it.**

**Best Wishes.**


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